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Addict Jokes

My wife is fed up with me constantly posting jokes here, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?!" She shot back, "Whatever means necessary!!" I chuckled...

"No it doesn't!"

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I was addicted to masturbating but now I’m addicted to sex

Think it’s safe to say that my addiction got out of hand

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For class today, I brought in a drug addict to show kids the adverse effects of drugs.

This man was a real mess. He would use coffee as a stimulant throughout the day, alcohol to alleviate his anxieties, sweets for his depression, TikTok to get dopamine hits, and shitty TV at night to mindlessly pacify him.

I used to be a shampoo addict...

But i'm clean now.

My girlfriend just dumped me because of my gambling addiction.

But I know I can win her back.

A man goes to see his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”

The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you …”

I’m addicted to placebos.

I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid.

But he says he can stop anytime

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My grandfather is addicted to Viagra

Grandma is taking it very hard

What's the hardest part of being addicted to money?

The withdrawals.

I used to have an addiction to ham.

But now I'm cured.

I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey

But then I turned myself around

I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts.

If I'm honest, it was a Rocky Road.

what should you do if you're addicted to sea weed

Sea kelp

The worst part about an apple addiction…

Is that you can’t go and see a doctor about it

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the li...

Did you hear about the nun who got addicted to knitting?

She said that needles were habit forming.

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I used to be addicted to Viagra…

… hardest time of my life!

Im going to ask you some questions and the answer to em all is addicted.

If you drink too much alcohol what are u to alcohol?... Addicted

If you smoke too much what are u to cigarettes?... Addicted

If you take too many drugs what are u to drugs?... Addicted

So what slapped you in the face last night?...

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What do a lumberjack, a petrolhead and a sex addict have in common?

All of them love Goodwood.

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What's the difference between a porn addict and a pickpocket?

One snatches watches.

My girlfriend said, “I am breaking up with you because of your addiction of wearing a different t-shirt every half an hour.”

I said, “Wait! I can change.”

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What does a porn addict say when he's late?

Sorry, I came as quick as I could.

Why did the cocaine addict go to Disney World?

Because he heard the lines were long

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Any one know of a cure for sex addiction?

I've tried fucking everything.

What do politicians, drug addicts and birds have in common?

They all have friends in high places.

My wife has been addicted to Netflix lately and has started to ignore me...

...So I went ahead and renewed the subscription for another 10 years.

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A sex addict an alcoholic and a chain smoker go to a hypnotist.

The hypnotist tells all three while under hypnosis, if they ever indulge in there vices again they will die immediately after.

On the way back from the hypnotist the 3 men are walking by a bar. The alcoholic can't help himself. He says "fuck it. That guy way full shit. There's no way one ...

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My wife is worried about my masturbation addiction.

I admit, I needed her help.

I was addicted to not bathing for weeks at an end

I’ve been clean for 7 months now

My friend's worried he's addicted to playing guitar

I told him not to fret but he says he can't help it

Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?

Nebuchadnezzar -- he was on grass for seven years.

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I have a HEALTHY porn addiction.

By healthy..... I mean, it's my #1 source of exercise.

Did you hear about the ATM that was addicted to money?

It suffured from terrible withdrawals

I used to be addicted to soap.

But I’m clean now.

I go to a Plastic Surgery Addict Support Group weekly.

There are a lot of new faces in the group every week.

Man addicted to drinking brake fluid...

claims he can stop any time he wants.

Bonus

I was gonna tell a time travelling joke but you guys didn't like it.

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Who is the second most porn-addicted person in the world?

My FBI-Agent.




Pls send help

Everyone thinks drug addicts need advice

But they’ve already added enough vices, they need to subtractvice

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I was once addicted to masturbation…

But I finally beat it.

I got hospitalized for my SpongeBob addiction

So I asked them if they can put me in the squid ward

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I've been porn free for an entire year today as a former porn addict!

Today is also my 98th birthday!

Did you hear about the guy who dated Supergirl and Wonder Woman?

Turns out, he was a heroine addict

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My ex was addicted to dick. just not mine

I guess micro-dosing just wasn't doing it for her after a while

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What's it called when you can't stop doing cocaine? Addicted.

What's it like when you smoke every day? Addicted.

If you have a compulsion to bet your money on the horses, you are -- addicted.

Who invaded Ukraine? A dick did.

After several visits to the doctor's I've finally been referred to rehab for spending all my days smoking drugs and looking up jokes about cheese.

Hopefully I can kick my addiction to meth and feta memes.

What do you call a fat drug addict?

Chunky junkie!

I have a crippling addiction to the hokey pokey

This year i’ve really turned myself around

A drug addict calls the police to report something interesting

The police officer, interested, asks. "What is it?"

The addict responds. "Okay, I-"

The officer interrupts, quickly making sure they're not on drugs "You're sober right now, right?"

"Yes, this happened when I was sober too."

All seems okay to this point. "Okay, go on."...

hello, and welcome to the plastic surgery addiction meeting

im seeing a lot of new faces in the crowd, and i must say im disappointed.

A drug addict, a man taking a nap, and Donald Trump.

What are a user, a snoozer, and a sore loser.

Did you hear about the drug addict who overthrew the government with 17 syllables?

He staged a high coup.

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what do depressed people and sex addicts have in common?

nuttin’ matters

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My girlfriend is addicted to eating guano.

She’s bat shit crazy.

Which holes are the most addictive ones?

Alco holes

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I’m convinced I’m a sex addict

Everyone else tells me it hasn’t gotten *out of hand*

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My girlfriend's writing an erotic novel about a sociopathic sex addict.

It's called 'Journal.'

Studies show that one out of every six friends have a gambling addiction

My money is on Peter

Q: What do Herion addicts do?

A: nod a lot...

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What do you call someone who is addicted to anal sex?

A crack addict.

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What do you get if you cross a sex addict with a rhinoceros?

Fuck-if-hino

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How do you get rid of a porn addiction?

Just beat it.

I’m addicted to seaweed.

I need to sea kelp urgently

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There wasn’t any parking at the Sex Addict Support Group

So everybody came on the bus

What do you call Jesus when he becomes a meth Addict

The methiah

I've had a severe addiction to taking inventory at the blacksmithing shop.

We all have our vices.

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Y’all hear of about that one chick who’s addicted to jerking men off?

Lots of guys say that she cums in handy!

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I used to have a crippling porn addiction.

Now I prefer less violent porn.

What should you do if you are addicted to seaweed?

Sea-kelp

I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.

Now my jaw’s all methed up.

I hope I never get addicted to skiing..

... but it's a slippery slope

You hear about the addict

Who used to keep his drugs in broken kitchenware, he was a bit of a crackpot

A friend of mine recently admitted to being addicted to drinking brake fluid.

When I quizzed him on it, he reckoned he could stop any time.

As a child of a meth addict, I want you to know you can make DIFFERENT CHOICES from your parents

I prefer heroin

A coke addict accidentally snorts his grandma's ashes; how much of it did he snort?

About half a gran.

I think I may be addicted to laxatived

I can't go without it.

My dad was addicted to sandpaper

He always said it helped take the edge off

What do you call the prophet with a cocaine addiction?

Nostril-Damus

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I'm an ass man. Addicted to ass.

It's like crack to me.

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I'm no drug addict but they still took me to the substance abuse department

All I said to my friend doctor was
"I'm a dick, Ted"

Why did the drug addict suffer an overdose of cocaine?

Because he crossed the line...

A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict.

It starts in a box and moves to a house.

My dog and cat are drug addicts

I caught them doing felines of cocainine.

I'm getting over my addiction to Tipperary. .

But there's still a long way to go.

My wife and kids are threatening to walk out of the house because of my addiction to horse racing.

And they’re off!

What do you call a heroin addict-turned Harvard student?

IV League

Almost made a joke about an amphetamine addict with a lisp...

But that’s methed up.

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Its good that the Japanese chef is recovering from his alcohol addiction

He's 2 years soba already.

A drug addict found a lamp. Genie appeared.

A drug addict found a lamp. Genie appeared.
"Now I will fullfill your 3 wishes" - he said.
"I wish two lines of the best stuff on the world. Let's take it together, it will be great."
"Ok, that was your first wish. Don't waste all of them on drugs" - genie said and two lines of the best stu...

What did the heroin addict say to the other heroin addict?

A fiend in need is a fiend indeed.

Why did the amphetamine addict have to clean his room so often?

He wath a methy perthon.

What’s the best gift you can give to a gym addict?

A mirror!

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What's the difference between a fake sex addict and someone who uses fake names to get free noodles?

One's a pseudo-nymphomaniac, the other's a pseudonym-pho-maniac!

What did the drug-addict writer say when his wife told him to come to bed?

Let me finish this one line.

I have an addiction to making references to random Bruce Willis movie titles. People have tried to help me stop but you know what they say. Old habits...

Pulp Fiction

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My friend who is a sex addict says he loves camping.

I guess pitching tents is in his genes.

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The knob - Long

A rich older woman had an addiction to plastic surgery and would go to her surgeons office regularly for little touchups here and there. One day she went in and asked about a full facelift. Her surgeon suggested, instead of getting the facelift, he could install the knob for her.

What's the k...

I used to be a a heron addict, but after 6 weeks of rehab

I've got no egrets

I think I'm finally ready to admit I'm addicted to looking at myself in the mirror.

I need to take a long hard look at myself.

My parents used to tell me that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until i got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremly high prices for it once i got addicted.

Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers.

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(LONG) A woman marries a sex addict:

A young woman marries a sex addict.

For the first few weeks everything was fine until she found a box under the bed, curious, she asked the man about it, he said" that's my secret and you must not open it", "I understand" she replied.

A few months pass and the womens curiosity gets t...

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A sexist, an alcoholic, and a drug addict walk into a bar

The bartender says: hey aren't you that horse from Horsin' Around?

I’m addicted to plagiarism…

So I’m starting a help group called Alcoholics Anonymous.

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I'm a sex addict so I went to see a sex therapist

After an hour of all talk and no sex I realized she was just a regular therapist

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I’m an sex addict and my wife said I should get professional help.

It’s been three happy years now, but I’m starting to think she meant a psychologist.

Making bread is very addictive

First I was enjoying just mixing the ingredients. But after a while I kneaded it.

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