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Addict Jokes

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

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”Hello. My name is Paul, and I am a sex addict.“

Group leader: ”Hello Paul. Nice to meet you. But I have to tell you that the sex addicts meet three rooms further down the hall. This is the group for single moms.“

Paul: ”I know.“

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My girlfriend's writing an erotic novel about a sociopathic sex addict.

It's called 'Journal.'

One of the many problems I deal with: I'm a Math addict

I just gotta get me sum.

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If I was addicted to masturbation and then I got addicted to sex...

Would it be safe to assume my addiction got out of hand?

I used to be a shampoo addict...

But i'm clean now.

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A drug addict stumbles upon a magic lamp

A drug addict stumbles upon a shiny lamp. As soon as he picked it up, ... pufff... a Genie appeared from the smokes.

"I shall grant you **three wishes**!", the genie said.

The drug addict, without hesitation: "Let's do a line of cocaine for both of us"

Poof... A line of cocaine ...

What do you call a religious drug addict?

A crystal methodist.

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Anyone know of a cure for sex addiction?

I’ve tried fucking everything

What does a frugal knitter have in common with a drug addict?

They don't mind using a secondhand needle

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a chain smoker go to a hypnotist.

The hypnotist tells all three that while under hypnosis, if they ever indulge in their vices again, they will die immediately after.

On the way back from the hypnotist, the three men are walking by a bar. The alcoholic can't help himself. He says, "Fuck it. That guy was full of shit. There's ...

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If a guy is addicted to masturbating but then gets addicted to sex...

Is it fair to say his addiction is getting out of hand?

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Did you hear about the monkey sex addict?

His name was Kink Kong

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Why will you never catch a porn addict looking at you?

Because they always use a private window.

My girlfriend just dumped me because of my gambling addiction.

But I know I can win her back.

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What's the difference between a porn addict and a pickpocket?

One snatches watches.

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We discovered my grandfather is addicted to Viagra

No one is taking it harder than grandma

My friends all say I'm a cocaine addict, but I disagree.

I just like the smell.

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A washed up actor, a drug addict, and a sexual predator walk into a bar

Andy Dick finally found one he hasn't been kicked out of.

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There was a gaming addict, a senator, and a show-off standing in front of the gates of heaven

The three of them then entered through the gate, following the signs, and arrived at a room where many people were queuing up. Suddenly, God appeared out of nowhere and said, 'Heaven is now overcrowded, so in order to be able to enter here, you will have to speak your true thoughts about yourselves ...

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I'm an ass man. Addicted to ass.

It's like crack to me.

Why did the cocaine addict go to Disney World?

Because he heard the lines were long

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What does a porn addict say when he's late?

Sorry, I came as quick as I could.

I go to a Plastic Surgery Addict Support Group weekly.

There are a lot of new faces in the group every week.

I’m addicted to seaweed.

I must seek kelp.

A drug addict found a lamp. Genie appeared.

A drug addict found a lamp. Genie appeared.
"Now I will fullfill your 3 wishes" - he said.
"I wish two lines of the best stuff on the world. Let's take it together, it will be great."
"Ok, that was your first wish. Don't waste all of them on drugs" - genie said and two lines of the best stu...

Whats the best thing about being a meth addict?

Only two more sleeps until christmas.

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What do a lumberjack, a petrolhead and a sex addict have in common?

All of them love Goodwood.

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What's the difference between a fake sex addict and someone who uses fake names to get free noodles?

One's a pseudo-nymphomaniac, the other's a pseudonym-pho-maniac!

I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.

Now my jaw’s all methed up.

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My friends were very supportive when I told them about my addiction to masturbation.

They said I would beat it.

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For class today, I brought in a drug addict to show kids the adverse effects of drugs.

This man was a real mess. He would use coffee as a stimulant throughout the day, alcohol to alleviate his anxieties, sweets for his depression, TikTok to get dopamine hits, and shitty TV at night to mindlessly pacify him.

Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?

Nebuchadnezzar -- he was on grass for seven years.

Did you hear about the drug addict who overthrew the government with 17 syllables?

He staged a high coup.

What do you call Jesus when he becomes a meth Addict

The methiah

Why did the drug addict suffer an overdose of cocaine?

Because he crossed the line...

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I've been porn free for an entire year today as a former porn addict!

Today is also my 98th birthday!

A drug addict, a man taking a nap, and Donald Trump.

What are a user, a snoozer, and a sore loser.

A drug addict calls the police to report something interesting

The police officer, interested, asks. "What is it?"

The addict responds. "Okay, I-"

The officer interrupts, quickly making sure they're not on drugs "You're sober right now, right?"

"Yes, this happened when I was sober too."

All seems okay to this point. "Okay, go on."...

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I’m convinced I’m a sex addict

Everyone else tells me it hasn’t gotten *out of hand*

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There wasn’t any parking at the Sex Addict Support Group

So everybody came on the bus

A coke addict accidentally snorts his grandma's ashes; how much of it did he snort?

About half a gran.

As a child of a meth addict, I want you to know you can make DIFFERENT CHOICES from your parents

I prefer heroin

A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict.

It starts in a box and moves to a house.

My parents used to tell me that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until i got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremly high prices for it once i got addicted.

Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers.

Almost made a joke about an amphetamine addict with a lisp...

But that’s methed up.

There's a support group for people addicted to plastic surgery...

The head of the group walks in and says, "I'm seeing a lot of new faces this week, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."

Edit: Wow, thanks guys. This made me win a bet with my friend to see who could get frontpaged first :D

Edit #2: I just won $1, lol.

Edit #3: We made the...

My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"

"Whatever means necessary," she replied.

"No it doesn't," I said.

You hear about the addict

Who used to keep his drugs in broken kitchenware, he was a bit of a crackpot

What do you call a heroin addict-turned Harvard student?

IV League

What did the heroin addict say to the other heroin addict?

A fiend in need is a fiend indeed.

What did the drug-addict writer say when his wife told him to come to bed?

Let me finish this one line.

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An alcoholic, a sex addict, and a stoner are all in hell...

The devil comes up to each of them and says he'll grant them each one wish.

So the devil goes and asks the alcoholic what he would like to wish for and the alcoholic responds "I wish for all the liquor I can drink!" The devil grants his wish and moves on to the sex addict. The sex addict wi...

I *SWEAR* I'm not addicted to brake fluid...

I can stop whenever I want

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What do you get if you cross a sex addict with a rhinoceros?

Fuck-if-hino

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I'm no drug addict but they still took me to the substance abuse department

All I said to my friend doctor was
"I'm a dick, Ted"

What's the worst part of an apple addiction?

You can't see a doctor about it.

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I'm a sex addict so I went to see a sex therapist

After an hour of all talk and no sex I realized she was just a regular therapist

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My friend who is a sex addict says he loves camping.

I guess pitching tents is in his genes.

Why was the LSD addict fired from the chemistry lab?

He kept dropping acid.

Why did the amphetamine addict have to clean his room so often?

He wath a methy perthon.

I was an addict.

I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.

A Priest with a golf addiction...

awakes to a beautiful Sunday morning after weeks of bad weather. He just can't work today, he HAS to find a way to fit in a round or two of golf. He calls in sick, and drives 2 hours to distant course so no one will recognize him. He lines up his first shot, a par 5, and lets it rip...

Mea...

I used to be a a heron addict, but after 6 weeks of rehab

I've got no egrets

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A sexist, an alcoholic, and a drug addict walk into a bar

The bartender says: hey aren't you that horse from Horsin' Around?

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Three guys go to hell. A fat guy, a sex addict, and a pothead...

Three guys go to hell. A fat guy, a sex addict, and a pothead.

The devil goes up to these guys and says - listen, I'm feeling nice today. I'm going to let each of you choose ONE thing and I'll lock you away in a room for a thousand years with it. The guys all look at each other in disbelief, ...

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I’m an sex addict and my wife said I should get professional help.

It’s been three happy years now, but I’m starting to think she meant a psychologist.

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(LONG) A woman marries a sex addict:

A young woman marries a sex addict.

For the first few weeks everything was fine until she found a box under the bed, curious, she asked the man about it, he said" that's my secret and you must not open it", "I understand" she replied.

A few months pass and the womens curiosity gets t...

What do an old time internet addict and an F-18 pilot have in common?

Both break out in cold sweat when their system shows NO CARRIER.

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