UPJOKE
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My girlfriend said, “I am breaking up with you because of your addiction of wearing a different t-shirt every half an hour.”

I said, “Wait! I can change.”

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Any one know of a cure for sex addiction?

I've tried fucking everything.

Why did the cocaine addict go to Disney World?

Because he heard the lines were long

Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?

Nebuchadnezzar -- he was on grass for seven years.

My wife has been addicted to Netflix lately and has started to ignore me...

...So I went ahead and renewed the subscription for another 10 years.

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the li...

I used to be addicted to time travel.

But that’s all in the past now.

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A sex addict an alcoholic and a chain smoker go to a hypnotist.

The hypnotist tells all three while under hypnosis, if they ever indulge in there vices again they will die immediately after.

On the way back from the hypnotist the 3 men are walking by a bar. The alcoholic can't help himself. He says "fuck it. That guy way full shit. There's no way one ...

I got hospitalized for my SpongeBob addiction.

They put me in the Squid ward.

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Who is the second most porn-addicted person in the world?

My FBI-Agent.




Pls send help

I go to a Plastic Surgery Addict Support Group weekly.

There are a lot of new faces in the group every week.

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What's the difference between a porn addict and a pickpocket?

One snatches watches.

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We just found out grandpa is addicted to viagra.

No one is taking it harder than grandma.

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I was once addicted to masturbation…

But I finally beat it.

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What do a dyslexic alcoholic and a sex addict have in common?

They both love going to the bra.

What did the plastic surgery addicts meeting leader say when she addressed the group?

I see some new faces here and I’m very disappointed!

I used to be addicted to soap

But now I'm clean

Which holes are the most addictive ones?

Alco holes

My wife is fed up with my constant stream of jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?!" She shot back, "Whatever means necessary!!" I chuckled...

"No it doesn't!"

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What's it called when you can't stop doing cocaine? Addicted.

What's it like when you smoke every day? Addicted.

If you have a compulsion to bet your money on the horses, you are -- addicted.

Who invaded Ukraine? A dick did.

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My girlfriend is addicted to eating guano.

She’s bat shit crazy.

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I've been porn free for an entire year today as a former porn addict!

Today is also my 98th birthday!

A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”



The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you …”

I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey…

but I turned myself around.

I have a crippling addiction to the hokey pokey

This year i’ve really turned myself around

Addicted.

A man said to his wife, “I’m going to ask you a few questions, the answer to each of them is, ”Addicted” Ok.”

His wife says, “ok”

The man says, “if you smoke too much, you are.?”

She replies, “Addicted”.

He says, “if you drink too much you are.?”

She says, “Addicte...

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what do depressed people and sex addicts have in common?

nuttin’ matters

My friend is addicted to drinking brake fluid, but tells me not to worry about him

He can stop any time

I’m addicted to seaweed.

I need to sea kelp urgently

Studies show that one out of every six friends have a gambling addiction

My money is on Peter

My friend told me he's worried about his guitar playing addiction.

I told him don't fret.

Q: What do Herion addicts do?

A: nod a lot...

Alcoholic, women lover and weed smoker go to hell

The Satan says them: "you can get out if you'll spend 100 years in a room with your main addictions".

He shows the alcoholic a room with lots of alcohol. Alcoholic says: "ok, i'll spend 100 years here".

Then he shows a women lover a room with beautiful young women.
He says "ok, i'll...

I think I may be addicted to laxatived

I can't go without it.

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How do you get rid of a porn addiction?

Just beat it.

I hope I never get addicted to skiing..

... but it's a slippery slope

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What do you call someone who is addicted to anal sex?

A crack addict.

I'm getting over my addiction to Tipperary. .

But there's still a long way to go.

I have an addiction to brake fluid.

The good news is I can stop anytime I want.

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Y’all hear of about that one chick who’s addicted to jerking men off?

Lots of guys say that she cums in handy!

What do you call a fat drug addict?

Chunky junkie!

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I used to have a crippling porn addiction.

Now I prefer less violent porn.

A drug addict calls the police to report something interesting

The police officer, interested, asks. "What is it?"

The addict responds. "Okay, I-"

The officer interrupts, quickly making sure they're not on drugs "You're sober right now, right?"

"Yes, this happened when I was sober too."

All seems okay to this point. "Okay, go on."...

I've had a severe addiction to taking inventory at the blacksmithing shop.

We all have our vices.

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There's a psychiatrist having a meeting with 3 women and their 3 children.

There's a psychiatrist having a meeting with 3 women and their 3 children.

The psychiatrist says: "After observing for an hour i can see you're all obsessed with something."

He says "the first woman's addiction is money, you even named your daughter penny!"

Then he says, pointin...

What do you call the prophet with a cocaine addiction?

Nostril-Damus

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Its good that the Japanese chef is recovering from his alcohol addiction

He's 2 years soba already.

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A religious mother sees her young son masturbating

When the father gets home he sees that the mother is beyond consolation. 'Oh no what would God think of us for raising such an immoral child' she cries hysterically.

The father tells her 'Honey don't worry, let me deal with it, tomorrow I am gonna take our son on a road trip and we will have ...

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I used to be addicted to masturbating

I overcame so much

My dad was addicted to sandpaper

He always said it helped take the edge off

A drug addict, a man taking a nap, and Donald Trump.

What are a user, a snoozer, and a sore loser.

I think I'm finally ready to admit I'm addicted to looking at myself in the mirror.

I need to take a long hard look at myself.

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I’m convinced I’m a sex addict

Everyone else tells me it hasn’t gotten *out of hand*

A local man is addicted to break fluid

He says he can stop anytime he wants.

I’m addicted to plagiarism…

So I’m starting a help group called Alcoholics Anonymous.

Did you hear about the drug addict who overthrew the government with 17 syllables?

He staged a high coup.

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There wasn’t any parking at the Sex Addict Support Group

So everybody came on the bus

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A man tells his friends his elbow hurts...

He says that nothing he's tried has worked, so his friend suggests that go to the pharmacy.

"They got this new machine! When you pour in a urine sample and it'll tell you what's wrong and how to fix it!"

So, following his advice, he finds this machine and pours his urine sample in. Fi...

What did the drug addicted power rangers say to each other?

“It’s morphine time!”

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The Tale of Three Heavens

Once upon a time, long long ago, in village far far away, there lived a fairly affluent merchant who lived a nice luxurious life in his spacious mansion. The merchant befriended a homeless man who lived in front of the gates of his mansion and often gave him food.

One day, the merchant n...

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I have a masturbation addiction

But I'm beating it

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What do you get if you cross a sex addict with a rhinoceros?

Fuck-if-hino

A coke addict accidentally snorts his grandma's ashes; how much of it did he snort?

About half a gran.

You hear about the addict

Who used to keep his drugs in broken kitchenware, he was a bit of a crackpot

My wife and kids are threatening to walk out of the house because of my addiction to horse racing.

And they’re off!

As a child of a meth addict, I want you to know you can make DIFFERENT CHOICES from your parents

I prefer heroin

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A cat or a pill

A cold, withered, teenage addict wandered to his dope dealer’s apartment. Through the back, up the stairs, he knocked at the door. \*knock knock\*

“Who's there?” Said the dope drug dealer.

“Just me, looking for comfort.”

“Comfort huh… you look rather withered and cold.”

...

What do you call Jesus when he becomes a meth Addict

The methiah

A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict.

It starts in a box and moves to a house.

What should you do if you are addicted to seaweed?

Sea-kelp

My addiction to Helium is out of control, but...

no one is taking my cries for help seriously.

What do you call a heroin addict-turned Harvard student?

IV League

I have an addiction to making references to random Bruce Willis movie titles. People have tried to help me stop but you know what they say. Old habits...

Pulp Fiction

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What is a porn addicts favorite browser?

Edge

Did you hear about the guy who was addicted to eating salt?

Don't worry, he was cured.

Two heroin addicts die and stand before Saint Peter at the pearly gates

They ask Saint Peter if they’re allowed in, and Peter reviews their records.

“Wow, I’m really not sure guys. It says here you’ve done a lot of bad things. Stealing, lying, generally bad addict behavior things. I can’t make this call, I have to go ask the big guy himself”, Peter says.

...

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My girlfriend's writing an erotic novel about a sociopathic sex addict.

It's called 'Journal.'

Why did the amphetamine addict have to clean his room so often?

He wath a methy perthon.

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If a guy is addicted to masturbating but then gets addicted to sex...

Is it fair to say his addiction is getting out of hand?

I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.

Now my jaw’s all methed up.

What did the drug-addict writer say when his wife told him to come to bed?

Let me finish this one line.

What’s the best gift you can give to a gym addict?

A mirror!

My doctor friend is addicted to hitting people on their knees to test their reflexes.

He really gets a kick out of it.

What did the heroin addict say to the other heroin addict?

A fiend in need is a fiend indeed.

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I'm no drug addict but they still took me to the substance abuse department

All I said to my friend doctor was
"I'm a dick, Ted"

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Who do you call for questions about sex addiction?

Nympho-mation

What do F-18 pilots have in common with internet addicts during the dialup times?

Both of them break out in cold sweat when their display shows NO CARRIER.

What do rich people and drug addicts have in common?

They both have friends in high places.

Why did the drug addict suffer an overdose of cocaine?

Because he crossed the line...

Chicken Addiction

A guy really wanted to eat chicken. He was craving it for a while and he decided to go get some. But, he didn't want any of the fast food type chicken. So, he decided to cook it himself.

He goes to the butcher to buy it. The butcher gave him a live chicken. The man, surprised, asked the butch...

Making bread is very addictive

First I was enjoying just mixing the ingredients. But after a while I kneaded it.

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My friend who is a sex addict says he loves camping.

I guess pitching tents is in his genes.

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A sexist, an alcoholic, and a drug addict walk into a bar

The bartender says: hey aren't you that horse from Horsin' Around?

How did I not know you can be addicted to cats??

It seems even the Pope is a cat-holic.

Almost made a joke about an amphetamine addict with a lisp...

But that’s methed up.

Did you hear about the ATM that got addicted to money?

It suffered from withdrawals.

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A bee landed on a girl's chest at the sex addiction therapy course.

Apparently screaming Boo Bee at her chest was wrong...

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I'm an ass man. Addicted to ass.

It's like crack to me.

Gambling addiction hotlines would be so much better if...

Every fifth caller was a winner.

I used to be a a heron addict, but after 6 weeks of rehab

I've got no egrets

What does an Internet-addicted frog say?

Reddit reddit

I'm absolutely heartbroken. My Girlfriend has broken up with me over my chronic gambling addiction..

.. Desperate to win Her back.

What do you call it when you fail to break your addiction to mid-day rests?

Re-naps

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I'm a sex addict so I went to see a sex therapist

After an hour of all talk and no sex I realized she was just a regular therapist

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i asked my therapist: can you cure my bondage addiction?

he said: "i wish i can help you but my hands are tied"

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I’m an sex addict and my wife said I should get professional help.

It’s been three happy years now, but I’m starting to think she meant a psychologist.

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