People that said 2020 would fly by...

...Didn’t know that it would zoom

Why do seagulls fly by the sea?

Because if they flew by the bay they'd be bagels!

Don't lynch me. Lol

I saw a sausage fly by my window

I must be going insane it was actually a bird.
I think I've taken a Tern for the Wurst

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A Man And A Dog Go Into A Bar

The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here!"

The man says, "But he's a special dog!"

The bartender rolls his eyes. "Don't tell me. He talks and says 'bark' and 'roof'."

"No!," says the man. "I give him money, tell him what I want, and he goes to the store for me. When...

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Have you ever wondered how the butterfly got it’s name?

Here’s a little story on how the butterfly got it’s name.

A long time ago there were two old drunks who wandered out into a field and had sat down on an old stump. As they are sitting there they have a canteen of whiskey and they are passing it back and forth. Soon enough both men are very dr...

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The Duck Hunter

A hunter is out in the country one day and waiting for ducks to fly by.

After a while he sees a duck, points his gun and shoots it. The duck falls to the ground onto some farmland nearby. The hunter walks over the the farm and sees a farmer holding the dead duck.

"Hey that's my duck!"...

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A Frenchman, German, and an Irishman walk into a bar

They all go up to the bar and order: Red Wine for the Frenchman, a pint of beer for the German, and glass of whiskey for the Irishman.

They all sit down together to enjoy their drinks and talk. They'd been sitting a bit when a fly buzzes around their heads and lands in the Frenchman's wine. ...

A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three. He says “uno, dos...”

But before he can finish his sentence, a gunshot rings through the air and he falls to the floor, blood oozing out of his head. Screams are everywhere as the audience seeks cover.

His best friend Nathaniel is in the audience, but all he can do is sit there in shock and stare at the corpse of ...

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A Frenchman, a Mexican and an Irishman go to a bar

And each orders a beer.

The Frenchman looks into his beer and sees a fly, calls for the waitress, and demands a replacement.

The Mexican sees a fly in his, plucks it out, and drains the beer.

The Irishman grabs the fly by its wings and violently shakes it over his mug screaming...

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A British, Irish and Scottish

Walk into a bar and all order a beer. Unfortunately. A fly lands in each beer. The British guy asks for another beer and gets one. The Irish guy picks the fly out and puts it to the side. The Scottish guy takes the fly by the leg and scream "SPIT IT OUT, YA DIRTY BASTARD!!!".

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Boudreaux & Thibodeaux

One morning Thibodeaux was sitting on his dock enjoying the sunrise when Boudreaux pulls up in his boat filled with duct tape. Thibodeaux looks at him, and asks "what you doing with a boat full of duct tape?" Boudreaux replies "I'm going duck hunting! You wanna come?" "You can't hunt ducks with duc...

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Fly in the beer

*this was my (very Irish) great uncle’s go-to joke. RIP Uncle Ed*

An Italian, a Russian, and an Irishman walk into a bar and ask the bartender for a beer. Just after the bartender sets down their drinks, three flies buzz through the air and PLINK! PLINK! PLINK! a fly drops into each drink....

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An Englishman, an Scotchman, and an Irishman walk into a bar...

They each order a beer. The barkeep brings them each a beer, and there happens to be a fly in each one. The Englishmen, a bit put off, says "Sir there's a fly in my beer, I'll need a fresh one please." The Scotchman, undeterred shrugs and says "I won't be letting a fly ruin me enjoying my beer!" ...

An Alabama cop is sitting behind a billboard on the highway doing radar.

Suddenly he sees a teenager in a Mustang fly by him doing 125mph in a 60mph zone.

He flips on his lights and goes after the kid finally catching up to him 2-miles down the road.

The cop walks up to the Mustang and says "Son, I been wait'n fer you all day!"

The kid replies "Sorry...

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A North Korean, United States, and Irish Politician walk into a bar.

They all order a beer. Upon going to drink them they notice a fly is floating in each of their beers.

The North Korean politician, outraged, declares war and that he will destroy the bar for allowing this to happen.

The politician from the United States declares tighter sanctions and ...

To determine once and for all whose superior, God sets Satan and Jesus up with a little contest.

“You will have 12 hours to do the most mundane human task ever,” God starts, “work on a computer! You will create spreadsheets and documents and the like. I will crown the winner!”

With that, Jesus and Satan furiously begin typing away. God keeps their coffee full and rubs their shoulders to ...

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Guide to pooping at work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2013 Survival Guide for taking a du...

A man in Moscow decides to take his own life.

He is tired of the constant ambivalence that permeates his daily interactions. He can no longer stand the contemptuous scorn of the plasticized women, the bullying bravado of dishonest men sneering from behind the tinted windows of their Mercedes-Benz.

Exhausted of hope, he walks the narrow ...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman each order a pint. Just then, a fly drops in each of their Guinness.

The Englishman says: "How dreadful. Barkeep, take this pint back at once, I couldn't possibly touch it, it has a fly in it!"

The Scotsman says: "Ach, it's nae so bad!" and flicks the fly out with the back of his hand and chugs his beer.

The Irishman gingerly picks up the fly by the win...

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Texas Patrol...

Two red necks are speeding through Texas. They fly by a Texas patrol officer who hits the cherries and pulls them over.
The cop approaches the driver who rolls down his window and drawls a defiant- "Whaaat?"
Without saying a word, the officer puts out his baton and whacks the guy in the face...

So a crow sits alone in a park...

A single crow sits alone on one of the many benches in the park. Suddenly a second crow comes along and lands next to the one crow. The two crows exchange a mild conversation until they spot a third crow flying overhead. Suddenly they begin to yell at the other crow until it too lands on the bench, ...

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An Englishman, a Scot and an Irishman walked in to a bar...

They each ordered a pint of beer. As the bartender served them up, a fly landed in each glass.

The Englishman looked down upon his glass and said "Pardon me, bartender, but there appears to be a fly in my beer. Perhaps might I have another?"

The Scot looks at the fly, flicks it off t...

A man walks into a bar

He sits at the bar and orders a drink. The bartender, noticing the mans very disturbed asked what’s wrong.

The man replies “my wife kicked me out, said she doesn’t want to see me for a month.”

The bartender starts consoling the man, telling him it’ll be okay, the month will fly by. A...

Bartender, There's a Fly In My Beer!

A millionaire, a hard hat, and an old drunk are at a bar. When they get their beers, they notice a fly in each mug.
The millionaire politely asks the bartender for another beer, then proceeds to sip it.
The hard hat spills out just enough to get rid of the fly and quaffs the rest.
It's now ...

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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar...

... and each order a beer. As the beers are set down on the table three flies fly into the bar and land in the beer, one in each glass. The Englishman pushes his beer away and orders another. The Irishman blows the foam off the top of his beer along with the fly and drinks the beer. The Scotsman pic...

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman all sit down at a bar and order a beer...

...then three flies happen along, each one landing in the mug of its respective owner. The Englishman is repulsed and orders another. The Irishman gives him a dirty look, obviously finding his fey behaviour offensive, and flicks the fly from his mug, taking a long drink. Then both of them hear screa...

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