UPJOKE
roombuildingsurfacelevelcarpetstoreydeckhallceilinggroundhouseflatbedflooringbase

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A workman is 5 floors up at a construction site and realizes he forgot his hammer...

He leans over the edge of the building and sees his friend on the ground floor. He shouts down to him "Hey buddy I need my hammer." His friends looks up but motions to his ears that he can't hear him.

The workman, thinking quickly, decides to sign out what he wants. He points to his eye for "...

Three writers, Al, Ben, and Carl, who were attending a writing convention, booked a 3 bedroom suite on the 75th floor of a hotel.

When they arrived back at the hotel from the convention, the receptionist told them, "I'm terribly sorry, but all the elevators are broken. In the meantime, you will have to take the stairs."

Now, Al was a writer of funny stories, Ben was a writer of scary stories, and Carl was a writer of sa...
upvote downvote report

A dentist goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Bugatti Chiron

It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $1.5M. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there,...
upvote downvote report

I think floors suck...

But what do I know? I'm a ceiling fan.
upvote downvote report

What do you call a guy who specializes in tile floors?

Tyler
upvote downvote report

Told by a 7 year old boy: How do you drop on an egg on a concrete floor without cracking it.

Concrete floors are really hard to crack.

Then he said "you were thinking about the egg weren't you!"
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from many men.

It was laid out over five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return....

Why are people on higher floors funnier?

They have a type of elevated humor
upvote downvote report

I hired a monk to redo my bathroom floors, and he put me under an immense amount of pressure.

It was tile by friar.
upvote downvote report

I fricking love floors

I can't stand being without them.
upvote downvote report

"Here's a broom go and sweep the floors."

"But I have a PhD..."

"Oh sorry, give me the broom, I'll show you how its done."
upvote downvote report

What do men and tile floors have in common?

...if you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years.
upvote downvote report

Someone renovated the church with wire mesh floors.

Well, I guess it *is* holey ground....
upvote downvote report

I don't like floors.

They make up stories.
upvote downvote report

Floors take on so much responsibility...

It's like everything falls to them.
upvote downvote report

My floors

I really appreciate beautiful Travertine floors.

A lot of other people, however, take them for granite.
upvote downvote report

I knew a guy who hated floors

He just thought they were beneath him
upvote downvote report

My Grandfather built me a car entirely out of wood

It had wooden seats, wooden doors, wooden steering wheel, wooden floors and a wooden engine. Unfortunately when I tried to start it, it wooden work.
upvote downvote report

HUSBANDS FOR SALE !!!

A store that sells husbands has just opened,
where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper a...
upvote downvote report

If you want to run on the slippery floors,

Then knock yourselves out
upvote downvote report

There's an apartment with 4 floors...

... on the first floor there is an artist, on the second there's a plummer, the third there is a blind man, and on the fourth there is a woman taking a shower. The woman taking a shower hears a knock on the door, she gets out of the shower, puts her robe on and opens the door. It's the artist, "I ju...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy driving down a highway sees a chicken with three legs overtaking him. He floors it

and the chicken stays ahead of him. He’s never seen anything like it, so he follows the chicken but it speeds up, 60, 80, 100 mph! He can barely keep it in sight, but sees it get off the highway and then, at the last second, sees it dash into a farmyard. He skids to a stop and sees the chicken run u...

What did Jesus do when he found his floors were dirty?

Jesus swept
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the carpenter who only measured floors losing his construction job?

I heard he got fired because he never measured up
upvote downvote report

The gynecologist down the street is selling the upper floors of his practice...

...He only works in the downstairs area anyway...
upvote downvote report

I don’t get why people don’t like sitting on floors...

It’s like they think it’s beneath them or something
upvote downvote report

I wish churches had checkered floors

That way if you got bored you could just watch the bishop!
upvote downvote report

A man visits an asylum with 8 floors.

There, he talks to the manager of the asylum, who guides him through it.

"Let me explain to you how this building works. In the first floor, we've got the inmates that aren't very crazy. On the second floor, we've got the ones who are just a bit crazy. On the third floor, we have the ones who...
upvote downvote report

Everyone in Britain prefers brushes over vacuum cleaners when it comes to tidying their floors.

Sorry if that's a sweeping generalisation.
upvote downvote report

The reason orange juice doesn't slide well on hard wood floors is

Because of pulp friction.
upvote downvote report

A company is building a tower with diffrent floors

The first floor will be a hexagon the 2nd pentagon, ah you dont need to hear it from me, each story has diffrent sides anyways
upvote downvote report

What do you call a boxer who pours concrete floors as a day job?

Apollo Screed
upvote downvote report

A guy is doing 90 in a 75 and sees lights from a patrol car in the mirror...

He thinks furiously for a moment and then floors it, 95... 100.. 110... Finally, with the officer still hot on his tail he slows to a crawl and pulls over to the roadside.

The officer, obviously on edge, cautiously approaches the car as the man rolls down the window and places hands out where...
upvote downvote report

A man walks into a library and says "You got any books on floors?"

The librarian says "Unfortunately no, we store our books on shelves like everyone else".
upvote downvote report

The Husband Store

So a new store opened up in town where women can go and find the love of their lives. There are some rules though:

1. You can only shop once. Ever.
2. The quality of the 'merchandise' increases as you go up a floor (there are 6 floors total)
3. You can choose any product from any floor,...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men are standing at the pearly gates...

Three men die and are standing at the pearly gates in front of St. Peter. St. Peter tells them, "To gain entry into heaven, you must tell me how you died."

The first man steps forward and says "Well, I got off work early today, and came home to my 10th floor apartment. Walked in, and found ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.

Do Not Sell My Personal Information