My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

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A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”

The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the movin...

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An Irish man bursts into a bar and demands a beer. He pounds it and slams it back and demands another. The bartender asks what's wrong?

The Irish man angrily slams the second beer and says, "You know, you build 100 roads for the community. But do they call you Seamus the road builder? No!"

He orders another beer and slams it back. "You build 1000 walls for the villages. But do they call you Seamus the wall builder? No!"
...

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If Wallsend was named because the Roman wall ended there and Newcastle because a castle was built there!

How did Cockermouth get its name?

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Restroom Thinker

I came here, To shit and stink,

But all I do, Is sit and think,

And here I sit, Broken hearted,

Couldn't shit, But only farted,

Some come here to sit and think,

Some come here to shit and stink,

Often I come here to scratch my balls,

And read all the ...

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A Russian immigrant comes to America, works hard...

... and is able to buy for his very first home: a condominium apartment. He throws an all night party with his friends to celebrate. One of his guests notices a hammer and a large metal pot next to one of the walls.

“What is that for?” he asks.

The Russian says “That is my talking A...

What do structural walls, and your mom have in common?

They are both load-bearing.

My friend covered their walls with whiteboard paint

I’ve never seen something so remarkable

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

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Governor Abbot wants to build a border wall with Mexico...

So, after a period of bidding, his team shortlists a few contractors and bring them for an interview with the Governor...


First, a Mexican contractor shows up:

\- Hi, I'm going to charge 1 million dollars for each mile of wall.
\- And how come it's going to be so cheap? ...

What do you call a Irish man bouncing off the walls?

Rick O Shea

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Just a little update on the situation with my son because some of you have been fairly concerned.

He has taken going to jail pretty hard. He is refusing all food, spitting and screaming at everyone and is threatening violence at anyone who comes near him. He has smeared the walls with his shit and is refusing to wear any clothes.

As a family we are united in our decision not to play Mo...

American Tourist

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of beer.

After awhile, he finds himself in a very hi...

I would like to buy 200 eggs, please.

- 200, sir?
- Yes. I'm going to egg my neighbor's house and I'm going to egg it good!
- Oh ...
- I'll go down to his yard and throw them eggs to the windows, to the walls, to the door, to the garage, even to his car.
- ...
- That is, of course, unless his stupid dog is outside. In tha...

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Guy dies and enters Heaven. Upon opening his eyes, he sees thousands of clocks on the walls. Also noticed that the minute and hour hands on each clock are turning at different speeds....some slow and some faster. Guy asks St Peter what the clocks mean.....[NSFW]

St Peter explains that every time you masturbated, the clock would turn one complete rotation. Guy asks where his clock is. St Peter replies, “we use your clock as a bathroom fan.”

The sound from an orchestra on stage is designed to bounce around the auditorium walls to surround the audience. The sound from a Pigeon on stage does not do this...

The reason is a Coo sticks....


sorry, ill see my way out...

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Why women make better assassins....

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you...

On a cold and rainy night a man cuts through a cemetery.

and falls into an freshly dug, empty grave. He struggles to get out but can't climb the wet,slippery walls. He begins shouting for help but has little hope as the rain is making a thunderous noise and it is late at night. A drunk, oblivious to the weather, is wending his way through the graveyard wh...

How do you get out of a room with impossibly high walls id all you have is a peice of wood?

First you rub the wood on your arm to create a sore. Then you use the saw to cut the wood in half. You stick the wood together again to get a whole. And you crawl out of the hole to freedom!

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