The ceiling might not be my favourite part of the room...

...but it’s up there!

A man walks into a bar to see a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling

The man questions the bartender about the meat, and he says if you can jump and slap a piece of meat, then you get a free drink, but if you miss, you have to buy drinks for the entire bar.

The man says “no thanks, the steaks are too high”

What room has no walls, no floor and no ceiling ?

A mushroom.

(waiting for JokeExplainBot to explain it)

A guy walks into a bar and sees a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling about ten or eleven feet in the air

So he goes up to the bartender and asks, “Why do you have all this meat hanging up everywhere?”

The bartender replies, “Well, we actually have a bit of a game we like to play here, a sort of challenge.”

The man, obviously intrigued, asks the bartender what the game is. So the bartender...

Why where people looking out the ceiling and yelling?

They where ceiling fans.

I had a punchbag suspended from the ceiling by a line, but the line snapped...

...I thought that's a terrible punchline.

My dentist has a TV on the ceiling so the patient can watch shows while he works

Netflix and Drill

My wife wouldn’t agree to installing a mirror on our bedroom ceiling!

She can’t stand to see me enjoy myself!

Two neighbors are talking

One of them is just a simple worker,lives on the second floor, and has been married for 3 years, and has 4 kids.

The other is a cop,lives on the first floor. and has been married for 11 years with no kids.

The cop asks the worker:

"How come you've only been married for 3 years, ...

While Michelangelo was painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel....

One day, he looked down from the scaffolding to see a solitary old woman kneeling in a pew, praying.

Since the woman could not see him, Michelangelo decided to have a little fun, and he called out, "I am Jesus Christ, hear me!"

The woman did not look up, and continued praying. So, Mic...

Breaking through the glass ceiling

A wife comes home one night bragging about her new promotion at the office, "Its taken years, honey! But I think they finally are starting to respect me. I've added another crack towards breaking the glass ceiling!"

The husband replies, "If you want to break through so bad, hire a woman cont...

My Favorite Politics Joke

A man goes to heaven.

He sees thousands of clocks everywhere.

He asks god why there are so many clocks.

God says that everyone, living or dead has a personal clock, and every time they tell a lie, it ticks one minute.

The man asks where Hillary Clinton’s clock is. ...

The yoga teacher stretches her legs to the ceiling and suddenly farts

A student asks: "what position is that supposed to be?"
The teacher answers: "scented candle"

How do you stop children with thick curly black hair from jumping on the bed?

Put velcro on the ceiling.

A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you ...

Honestly, with these ceiling fan jokes.

They just keep going around in circles, man.

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A vampire bat came flopping in from the night, covered in fresh blood, parked himself on the ceiling of a cave, and prepared to get some sleep.

Pretty soon, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and go get some sleep.

But they persisted, until finally he gave in, grudgingly. “Ok,” he said, “follow me,” and he flew out of the cave with hundreds and hundreds of bats...

What do you call a person who likes ceilings?

A ceiling fan

If my ceiling fan could hold my weight...

I wouldn’t spend so much time on Reddit.

A guy walks into a bar and notices many cuts of beef suspended from the ceiling several feet above his head.

The guy orders a drink and asks the bartender about the meat.
The bartender replies, "It's a contest I run here. You get one try. If you can jump high enough to touch one of them, you get the money in the pot . If you miss, you have to put $500 in. You want to try?"
The guy thinks for a second...

I really like my ceiling fan

It may not be the best in the world..but it’s definitely up there

I like my ceiling.

It's not the best, but it's up there.

A man walks into a bar and notices a steak hanging from the ceiling.

When he asked the bartender about it, the bartender said, “If you can jump up and hit it, drinks are ok the house for the night. But if you miss, everyone’s drinks are on your tab for the next 2 hours. Do you want to try?”

The man decided not to take the risk. He thought the steaks were too h...

What does a ceiling fan say?

Go ceiling! You’re number 1!

My friend claims that his apartment is 100 feet from ceiling to floor.

Bit of a tall story if you ask me.

Looking at my ceiling and ya know, I'm not saying it's the greatest ceiling in the world...

But it's up there.

What's black and stuck to the ceiling?

An electrician that didn't do his job well!

It took over a month to install our floor-to-ceiling windows.

It was a big pane.

I bought a ceiling fan the other day

complete waste of money! All he does is stand, applaud, and say he loves how smooth it is!

A man walks into a bar. First thing he notices is two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

He sits down at the bar and says "what's with the meat?"

The bartender replies "Ah that's our game. The rules are simple, if you can jump in the air and touch both pieces of meat before your feet touch the floor, everyone else in the bar will buy your drinks for the evening, but if you can't ...

What's red and dingle dangles from the ceiling?

This was my grandfathers all time favorite joke.

Pop Pop: What's red and dingle dangles from the ceiling?

Me: I don't know...

Pop Pop: A Red dingle dangle of course!


Pop Pop: What's green and dingle dangles from the ceiling?

Me: A green dingle dangle!

Po...

An old man lay dying under the ceiling fan. . .

An old man lay dying under the ceiling fan, which had the bearing of a military helicopter airily surveying the aftermath of a natural disaster.

Surrounded by his son, his twin daughters and a haggard-looking nurse who looked about ready to end it all if only she could find the bloody switch,...

I was watching a tv show about the worlds best ceiling...

And I realised that mine wasn't the best, but it was definitely up there.

A man died and went to Heaven.

As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks for?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."

"Oh", ...

I don't get why women keep complaining about this "glass ceiling"

Where I work we have this cool glass floor, though.

How many Paladins does it take to install a ceiling lamp?

Two, one to the screw the bolts in and the other to uphold the light.

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

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I masturbated for the first time in a month and my ejaculation hit the ceiling.

Which is crazy, considering I was in a church.

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Does he still love me?

Man and Woman are lying in bed and thinking:

Woman:
He is lying next to me. He doesn't hug me.
He is looking at the ceiling. Who knows what he is thinking about?
We are together for four years. That is too long for replacing me for some younger and more beautiful woman.
Well I ga...

When I was little and couldn’t sleep, Dad would just throw me up in the air a few times and soon I’d be out like a light...

We had very low ceilings.

A man walks into a butchers...

The man says to the butcher "Are you a gambling man?" The butcher replies "Yes, you could say that." The man says "Okay then, I bet you $100 you can't reach that meat you've got hanging from the ceiling up there." The Butcher looks up and says "No sorry" The man says "I thought you said you were a g...

"I can see the glass ceiling! DOWN WITH THE GLASS CEILING!"

"Megan, we're in an aquarium! NO!"

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Watched a tutorial on how to get your dick stuck in a ceiling fan

Instructions weren't clear, solved a Rubik's cube blindfolded instead.

How do you Touch your Ceiling Without Jumping?

I don't know either. I'm floored.

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My Grandpa told me this joke when I was 16... It took me a few years to understand it.

How do you get a black man to stop jumping on the bed? Put velcro on the ceiling.

I tape microwave popcorn to the ceiling cause

it's cheaper than a smoke alarm.

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(NSFW) Last night I tried to hit the ceiling with my jizz, but just like every night, I was unsuccessful.

It was one of my many shortcomings

I have a friend who has a strange obsession with ceilings.

I guess you could say he's a ceiling fan.

Many people don't appreciate the work put into making ceilings..

Very often, it goes over their heads.

I'm so smart, I've got more brains than...

Kurt Cobain's ceiling

My downstairs neighbor was yelling and banging on the ceiling until 3 AM

Did that bother you? Not much. I was up til about the same time practicing my trumpet.

Two vampire bats are hanging from the ceiling of their cave...

... and one of them says he's hungry, so he flies off to find some food. Within a minute, he's back, blood all round his mouth, looking like he's had a really good meal. The other bat is amazed, and says, "Where did you find so much blood so fast?" So the first bat says, "Come with me, I'll show ...

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Man at a motel in the middle of nowhere

This joke is actually best heard in Hindi, let's see how well it does translated.

A man is staying in a room at a motel at night in the middle of nowhere, on his way to a different city. Being the only establishment as far as the eye can see, let's just say the management is lax about basic u...

How do you start a rave in Uganda ?

Glue a piece of toast to the ceiling

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.

Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Of course I can paint your ceiling," Michaelangelo scoffed.

"Gonna paint a bunch of dudes with their dicks out on it though."

Ever made love under a mirrored ceiling?

I could see myself doing that.

I was lying in my bed, staring at the stars.

I wondered, “Where the frick is my ceiling?”

What noise does a ceiling fan make?

GO CEILING!!! WHOOOHOOO!!!! YOUR NUMBER ONE!! YAY, CEILING RULES!!!

A Man walkes into a Bar

He orders a shot of tequilla and the bar tender asks "would you like to try our challenge?"
The man confused, said "what challenge". The Bar tender then states " see those slices of meat on the ceiling?". The man looks up and sees 2 slices of red meat on the brick roof. Then the man says "what d...

What do Kurt Cobain and Leonardo DaVinci have in common?

They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”

The man asks, “And how would you do that?”



The woman says, “Just wait and see.”



She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.



The boss comes in and asks, “What are you doing?”



The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.”



The boss th...

Things mothers said

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER:
"Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now, turn it off and get to bed!"


ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER:
"Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"


ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTH...

A guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar. He's ordering some drinks when he notices that there are two large pieces of meat stuck to the ceiling. So he asks the barman why they're there. The barman says, "Well, it's part of a little game I have going here. You've got to try and get those down from the ceiling without...

Jesus is watching you.

While a thief is robbing a house in the middle of the night, he hears a voice from above that says, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out he turns around shining his flashlight but sees nothing. So he figures that it must have been his imagination and convinces himself that everything is okay...

A recently married couple are in bed, when the man asks his wife how many men she has slept with

After the question, the woman doesn't respond.

The man asks again "Just tell me, it's fine. How many men have you slept with?"

His wife, still in total silence, just stares at the ceiling.

The man says "I am sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. I just thought we could trust each o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The difference

What's the difference between a wife, a nymphomaniac, and a prostitute. A nymphomaniac says, "you're not done yet". A prostitute says" aren't you done yet". And a wife says"beige I think I'll paint the ceiling beige".

Sick leave

I urgently needed a few days off work but I knew the boss wouldn’t allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted ‘Crazy’ then he would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker asked me what I was doing. I told her that I wa...

I recall the time years ago when my friend and I went on our secret spy mission. Like any other highly trained operatives, we were tasked with infiltrating the local mattress store.

It had been reported several times for housing a suspicious number of fans. (a Code 182).

Per our orders, my partner and I snuck into the establishment, taking up hiding under the blankets of some nearby display beds. Sure enough, the place was crawling with fans: ceiling fans, upright fans,...

An antivaxer has a heart attack. He's rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.

Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”
<...

A Sunday School teacher is teaching kids about Heaven and asked the class their thoughts on which part of them would get to Heaven first.

Little Suzy says it's her heart, because she's so caring and loving. Angie says it's her brain, because she's smart and uses it to help people.

Tommy looks around and say "No, no, no. It's not your brain or heart. I know the answer to this one. It's your feet."

"Why your feet?" asked t...

Yesterday I met my friend from Slovakia.

He had just opened up a trampoline park near the border there, yet he seemed saddened by something when I walked in. He looked up at me with tired eyes so I asked him what was wrong:

‘What’s the matter?’ I asked. ‘There are many people here, surely business is doing well?’

He replie...

Why aren’t there many famous female mime artists?

The glass ceiling.

Meat

Guy in a pub sees two lumps of meat nailed to the ceiling. “What’s that about?” he asks the barman.
“Pub tradition. Jump and touch the meat, you get a free beer.”
The guy thinks a moment, then shakes his head. “I’m not taking that bet. The steaks are too high.”

A man goes into heaven and there he meets Jesus.

He asks Jesus what that broken clock is there for. Jesus says “that is Mother Teresa’s clock it has never moved because she has never lied”.
“There is Abraham Lincoln's clock. He had lied twice so it has moved twice.”
“Where is Donald Trump’s?” Asked the man.
Jesus answers “it is in m...

What's the difference between a pedant and a pendant?

One is generally hung from the ceiling and the other is a lighting fixture.

Not only bad at jokes, I’m also bad at titles

At the local butcher shop the was a challenge. The challenge was that if you could jump and touch on of the steaks on the ceiling, you would get twenty dollars. If you couldn’t, you would have to pay for one of the steaks. So a man named Jack came up to the challenge. As he was about to try he was s...

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The Octopus Joke Retold

So this guy walks into a bar with an Octopus. He is named the Amazing Octodad, seriously it's on his T-shirt. He heads to the bar, gets a beer and waits for the music to stop. A cute blonde gives a weird wtf look when a tentacle starts wriggling over to tickle her leg but Octodad just winks and says...

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