The ceiling might not be my favourite part of the room...

...but it’s up there!

I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world,

but it’s definitely up there.

I bought a ceiling fan the other day.

Complete waste of money, he just stands there applauding and saying "Ooh, I love how smooth it is."

I taught my son about gravity by throwing pasta and sauce at the ceiling

He didn't get it at first, but it wasn't long before the penne dropped.

I was a little weirded out when I walked into my friend’s room and saw a dart board stuck on the ceiling.

Eventually I had to throw up.

A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.

The guy asks "what's this about?". the bartender replies, "well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You want to have a go?" The guy replies, "No thanks, the steaks are too high."

A wire just fell from the ceiling

I was shocked when the electrician couldn’t fix it.

Why where people looking out the ceiling and yelling?

They where ceiling fans.

I am a ceiling fan.

I can't help but look up to them.

My friend nailed some beef to the ceiling and told me to slap it

I told him no

The steaks were too high

John passed away, when he woke up, he was at the feet of Saint Peter -

\- with millions of clocks around the room.

Confused, he stood up and asked, "What are the clocks for?"

Saint Peter said to him, "These are the clocks of everyone in the world, they only move when someone lies."

So John goes to one and says, "Why has this one only moved twic...

What's black and is stuck to a ceiling?

A not very good electrician.

A town floods and there is a religious man stuck on his ceiling.

On the first day a boat with other civilians passes by and asks if they want to go with them to safety. The man replies with “God will supply me and be my savior”. The next day firefighters come by in a rescue boat and asks the man if he wants help. He again replies “God will supply me and be my sav...

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Pope: paint me a beautiful art on the ceiling of the Sistine chapel and I will reward your work with exposure.

**Michaelangelo:** uhh sure sir, I will paint you a beautiful ceiling sir.

**Also Michaelangelo, mildly infuriated:** gonna paint a bunch of dudes with their dick's out talking bout reward with exposure. Fuck you. Pay me.

What room has no walls, no floor and no ceiling ?

A mushroom.

(waiting for JokeExplainBot to explain it)

Two newspaper bosses are sent into a huge bank vault and find it stacked to the ceiling with piles of 24-karat bars. They can keep them for good, but only if they are able to diffuse a bomb first...

Editor 1: Thanks for the gold.

Editor 2: This blew up.

A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you ...

A guy walks into a bar and sees a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling about ten or eleven feet in the air

So he goes up to the bartender and asks, “Why do you have all this meat hanging up everywhere?”

The bartender replies, “Well, we actually have a bit of a game we like to play here, a sort of challenge.”

The man, obviously intrigued, asks the bartender what the game is. So the bartender...

My wife left me whilst I was painting the ceiling

I was overcome with emulsion

Everyone seemed upset with me when I started hanging objects from ropes on the ceiling

I don’t know why, but it created some tension

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.

She hit the ceiling!

Someone told me a joke about a ceiling fan.

It really left me hanging.

I was trying to change a lightbulb in the ceiling fan

My wife saw me struggling to reach it since it was pretty high up.

She said, "Let me get something for you to stand on. Do you prefer the ladder or the step stool?"

I said, "I'll take the latter."

So she brought me the step stool, just like I asked.

A cowboy walks into a bar...

He parked his horse outside and went in for a beer bottle. After finishing it up he goes to leave and his horse was stolen.

The guy walks in again, gun in the air, shoots the ceiling and shouts "you have until I finish up a second beer bottle to return my horse, or else I will have to do what...

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

I can make the boss give me the day off.

Two factory workers are talking.

The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."

The man replies, "And how would you do that?"

The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.

The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"...

I had a punchbag suspended from the ceiling by a line, but the line snapped...

...I thought that's a terrible punchline.

My dentist has a TV on the ceiling so the patient can watch shows while he works

Netflix and Drill

A guy meets a girl in a bar and they go back to her apartment.

They go into her bedroom and from left to right, floor to ceiling, there’s a whole wall full of fluffy toys. Floor to ceiling, side to side, fluffy toys everywhere. They get it on.

When they’re done, the guy says, “How was I?”

She says, “Take anything from the bottom shelf.”

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A vampire bat came flopping in from the night, covered in fresh blood, parked himself on the ceiling of a cave, and prepared to get some sleep.

Pretty soon, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and go get some sleep.

But they persisted, until finally he gave in, grudgingly. “Ok,” he said, “follow me,” and he flew out of the cave with hundreds and hundreds of bats...

My wife wouldn’t agree to installing a mirror on our bedroom ceiling!

She can’t stand to see me enjoy myself!

If my ceiling fan could hold my weight...

I wouldn’t spend so much time on Reddit.

Moms being Moms

*Issac Newton's mother--* "But did you wash the apple before eating it?"

*Archimedes's mother--* "Didn't you have any shame running naked in the street from? And, WHO is this girl Eureka???”

*Thomas Edison's mother--* Of course I am proud that you invented the electric bulb. Now tu...

While Michelangelo was painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel....

One day, he looked down from the scaffolding to see a solitary old woman kneeling in a pew, praying.

Since the woman could not see him, Michelangelo decided to have a little fun, and he called out, "I am Jesus Christ, hear me!"

The woman did not look up, and continued praying. So, Mic...

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Italian, Frenchman and a Redneck...

An Italian, Frenchman and redneck were comparing lovemaking skills. The Italian says, ‘When I’ve a finished a makina da love withah my wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above a da bed in ecstacy.

The Frenchman replies. "zat is noting, when Ah’ve fini...

How do you start a rave in Ethiopia?

Nail a piece of bread to the ceiling

Honestly, with these ceiling fan jokes.

They just keep going around in circles, man.

The yoga teacher stretches her legs to the ceiling and suddenly farts

A student asks: "what position is that supposed to be?"
The teacher answers: "scented candle"

Breaking through the glass ceiling

A wife comes home one night bragging about her new promotion at the office, "Its taken years, honey! But I think they finally are starting to respect me. I've added another crack towards breaking the glass ceiling!"

The husband replies, "If you want to break through so bad, hire a woman cont...

What do you call a person who likes ceilings?

A ceiling fan

Why is this ceiling so high?

Oh, probably because it just got roofied

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A panda walks into a bar,

and orders a burger. The bartender is intrigued by the panda but does not want to pester his customer with questions. Everyone in the bar is startled, however, when the panda finishes his meal, pulls out a gun and fires straight through the ceiling of the building. He then puts the gun away and inst...

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Husband wants wife to be more vocal in bed

Husband was telling his wife she needed to be a bit more vocal during sex. "I'd love to hear some moaning to really turn me on he said" His wife promised to give it a go next time.

That night they were in bed and and getting right into it, the wife remembered her promise, " That lamp shade n...

I'm in bed, looking up at the stars and think to myself...

"Where the hell did my ceiling go?"

Preparations for parenthood - dressing and feeding.

New parents: feeding and dressing your toddler is not as easy a skill as it looks. It takes a lot of practice, so here are a couple tips to get you started.

To practice dressing a small child, first you need to get a string bag (like the kind you carry soccer balls). Then go to ...

What's red and dingle dangles from the ceiling?

This was my grandfathers all time favorite joke.

Pop Pop: What's red and dingle dangles from the ceiling?

Me: I don't know...

Pop Pop: A Red dingle dangle of course!


Pop Pop: What's green and dingle dangles from the ceiling?

Me: A green dingle dangle!

Po...

5 Stages of mental breakdown during lockdown

1. Looking at the sky/ceiling endlessly
2. Thinking you've caught the virus
3. Crying/sudden outbursts
4. Violent streaks
5. Opening a Tik Tok account

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I was watching TV last night

And an advertisement came on with the sweet sound of Sarah McLachlan singing her hit ballad “Angel” and a video of little African children COVERED in flies. A 1-800 number popped up on the screen and said, “for just 22 cents a day...” I had heard enough! I picked up the phone to call, I just had to ...

It took over a month to install our floor-to-ceiling windows.

It was a big pane.

A guy walks into a bar and notices many cuts of beef suspended from the ceiling several feet above his head.

The guy orders a drink and asks the bartender about the meat.
The bartender replies, "It's a contest I run here. You get one try. If you can jump high enough to touch one of them, you get the money in the pot . If you miss, you have to put $500 in. You want to try?"
The guy thinks for a second...

A man walks into his hometown bar, walked up to the bartender and was offered a deal.

The bartender offered, “If you can slap the steak that’s hung from the ceiling, drinks are on the house. If you can’t, then tonight’s drinks are on you”.

The man considered for a long while before replying, “Nah, the steaks are too high.”

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What's the difference between a hooker, your girlfriend and your wife?

When you're having sex a hooker says, "are you done yet?"

Your girlfriend says, "you're done already?"

And your wife says, "beige, we should definitely paint the ceiling beige."

I was watching a tv show about the worlds best ceiling...

And I realised that mine wasn't the best, but it was definitely up there.

What does a ceiling fan say?

Go ceiling! You’re number 1!

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink

Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
<...

in honor of 35 years this month,joke told in cieling of the movie The breakfast club.

A naked woman walks into a bar with a parrot on her shoulder, bartender says hey nice pig...It' not a pig the woman says back...Bartender answers...I was talking to the parrot.

Ceiling oops.

A Jewish Man from the Shtetl is trying to get some sleep

while some brisk elders are playing backgammon right beneath his bedroom window.

Lying in bed and anxiously eying the ceiling,
he ponders about how he might just find some of that replenishing sleep.

He goes to his window and desperately looks into the crowds. Then he‘s got the bri...

Looking at my ceiling and ya know, I'm not saying it's the greatest ceiling in the world...

But it's up there.

I don't get why women keep complaining about this "glass ceiling"

Where I work we have this cool glass floor, though.

Earlier today I felt like throwing up..

So I put a dart board on my ceiling.

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Dishes

Long one so get ready..

A young guy goes to purchase an old motorcycle from an old timer. When he arrives he's floored at how clean and spotless the bike is. It's flawless. He asks the old gentleman how he has kept this 40 year old bike in such great condition. Just then it starts to drizzle ...

My friend claims that his apartment is 100 feet from ceiling to floor.

Bit of a tall story if you ask me.

An old man lay dying under the ceiling fan. . .

An old man lay dying under the ceiling fan, which had the bearing of a military helicopter airily surveying the aftermath of a natural disaster.

Surrounded by his son, his twin daughters and a haggard-looking nurse who looked about ready to end it all if only she could find the bloody switch,...

I dont like the floor or the walls.

Because im a ceiling fan.

Two Leafs fans die and go to hell

The devil greets them at the gate and shows them to their new home. Having lived in northern Ontario their whole lives, the two men are excited to enjoy hell's warmer climate. They immediately shed a few layers and kick back with a couple cold beers. The devil, none too pleased with their enthusiasm...

A man walks into a bar. First thing he notices is two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

He sits down at the bar and says "what's with the meat?"

The bartender replies "Ah that's our game. The rules are simple, if you can jump in the air and touch both pieces of meat before your feet touch the floor, everyone else in the bar will buy your drinks for the evening, but if you can't ...

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The vintage motorcycle.

A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper. When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says"

"Now remember....that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sure ...

Heavenly Clocks

John arrived at the gates to Heaven, and was greeted there by Saint Peter. Saint Peter tells John: “This is a pretty big place, let me take you on a tour of Heaven”. After a while, John asks: “What are all these clocks hanging everywhere?”. Saint Peter tells him that every person that ever lived has...

How many Paladins does it take to install a ceiling lamp?

Two, one to the screw the bolts in and the other to uphold the light.

This man is a genius

There’s a man on a search for a A very specific magic lamp this particular magic lamp grants the person who finds it three wishes like all other magic lamps but it will also grant the persons significant other the same wish times two. After years of searching he finally finds it. Genie appears and t...

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.

Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite...

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I masturbated for the first time in a month and my ejaculation hit the ceiling.

Which is crazy, considering I was in a church.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Watched a tutorial on how to get your dick stuck in a ceiling fan

Instructions weren't clear, solved a Rubik's cube blindfolded instead.

A panda walks into a cáfe.

He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and unloads it into the ceiling.

“Why?” Asks the confused waiter, as the panda starts leaving. He tosses a wildlife manual over his shoulder.

“I’m a panda,” he says at the door, “look it up.”

The waiter flips to the page about pa...

An antivaxer has a heart attack. He's rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.

Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”
<...

Sherlock Holmes was at home one night...

Sherlock Holmes was at home one night, when he gets a call to investigate a crime. So he rings Watson, and asks him to meet him at the scene. Sherlock arrives, and finds the body of a woman dead in the middle of the kitchen floor. He also quickly notices a giant lemon next to the woman, and a hol...

Two vampire bats are hanging from the ceiling of their cave...

... and one of them says he's hungry, so he flies off to find some food. Within a minute, he's back, blood all round his mouth, looking like he's had a really good meal. The other bat is amazed, and says, "Where did you find so much blood so fast?" So the first bat says, "Come with me, I'll show ...

A man died and went to heaven...

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the pearly gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks, everyone on earth has a lie clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "O...

What do you do when you see a baby spinning in circles?

Stop laughing and untie him from the ceiling fan

I'm afraid my ceiling fan is going to fall down on me.

Yeah, it's really been hanging over my head lately.

How do you Touch your Ceiling Without Jumping?

I don't know either. I'm floored.

I tape microwave popcorn to the ceiling cause

it's cheaper than a smoke alarm.

"I can see the glass ceiling! DOWN WITH THE GLASS CEILING!"

"Megan, we're in an aquarium! NO!"

A recently married couple are in bed, when the man asks his wife how many men she has slept with

After the question, the woman doesn't respond.

The man asks again "Just tell me, it's fine. How many men have you slept with?"

His wife, still in total silence, just stares at the ceiling.

The man says "I am sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. I just thought we could trust each o...

My Favorite Politics Joke

A man goes to heaven.

He sees thousands of clocks everywhere.

He asks god why there are so many clocks.

God says that everyone, living or dead has a personal clock, and every time they tell a lie, it ticks one minute.

The man asks where Hillary Clinton’s clock is. ...

What do Kurt Cobain and Michael Angelo have in common?

They both used their brains to paint ceilings.

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(NSFW) Last night I tried to hit the ceiling with my jizz, but just like every night, I was unsuccessful.

It was one of my many shortcomings

My downstairs neighbor was yelling and banging on the ceiling until 3 AM

Did that bother you? Not much. I was up til about the same time practicing my trumpet.

How do you stop children with thick curly black hair from jumping on the bed?

Put velcro on the ceiling.

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