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When I masturbated yesterday my cum hit the ceiling

Doesn't sound that impressive but I was in a church

I bought a ceiling fan yesterday

Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is."

I have a great joke about ceilings.

I try to tell it to people, but it just goes over their heads.

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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.

However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can a...

I was going to play a trick on my roommate by filling their room up to the ceiling with ropes, but I didn’t have any ropes.

Now it’s just a ropeless home antic.

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I was installing a light in the attic today, when I slipped off a joist and put my foot right through the bedroom ceiling. It scared the shit out of my girlfriend.

I'm not surprised though, she kicked me out last August.

A man walks into a bar and sees 2 steaks hanging from the ceiling.

He sits down and orders a beer, and asks the bartender
"what's the deal with the steaks?"

"It's a competition. If you can jump up and slap both steaks at the same time, one with each hand, you win the bar. If you try and fail, though, you pay for everyone's drinks for the rest of the nigh...

I’m not saying my ceiling is the best in the world...

But it’s up there.

Someone put dish soap on the ceiling today.

I didn't know until it dawned upon me.

A child point his finger at a toy plane attached to the ceiling

And he says to his mum “mum I really want to be like that airplane when I grow up!”

His mother: “why? Because it flies really high?”

Him:”no, because it’s hanging from the ceiling”

When I hung my chandelier, I put it all the way at the top of the ceiling.

Some say it’s too high, but it’s the high light of my life.

The ceiling might not be my favourite part of the room...

...but it’s up there!

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

I keep all my medicines in the ceiling

It's my drug attic.

Why did the ceiling go to the hospital?

Beacuse it wasn’t ceiling very well

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.

Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
...

A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you ...

The Sistine Chapel ceiling may not be the greatest work of art ever, but

it's definitely up there.

A man died and went to heaven.

As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks, Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man. "...

I was a little weirded out when I walked into my friend’s room and saw a dart board stuck on the ceiling.

Eventually I had to throw up.

A wire just fell from the ceiling

I was shocked when the electrician couldn’t fix it.

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Jimmy Carter, a president, invited Leonid Brezhnev to the White House for an evening of the usual state activities.

As part of the entertainment, Carter invited Brezhnev to sit down at the official White House piano and play a dirge of the Volga or the Fall of Leningrad. As Brezhnev sat down to play, he could not help but notice a red button at the end of the keyboard.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, he...

An old preacher was dying.

He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, s...

I am a ceiling fan.

I can't help but look up to them.

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Intern Interviews Three Psychiatric Residents

Psych intern is taken to the first of three patient rooms.

Patient is wearing a baseball cap and swinging an imaginary baseball bat.

I: How long do you think you'll be here?

P: Oh, as soon as I hit this home run, I'm outta here!

I: (Makes notes)

Intern is then tak...

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A man walks into a bar with a shoebox

He walks up to the bartender, sets the shoebox on the bar, and orders a beer and an empty shot glass. The bartender brings him his beer and watches as he then fills the shot glass with the beer and takes the lid off of the shoebox.

Out of the box he removes a small piano and a little bench, ...

I taught my son about gravity by throwing pasta and sauce at the ceiling

He didn't get it at first, but it wasn't long before the penne dropped.

A town floods and there is a religious man stuck on his ceiling.

On the first day a boat with other civilians passes by and asks if they want to go with them to safety. The man replies with “God will supply me and be my savior”. The next day firefighters come by in a rescue boat and asks the man if he wants help. He again replies “God will supply me and be my sav...

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Pope: paint me a beautiful art on the ceiling of the Sistine chapel and I will reward your work with exposure.

**Michaelangelo:** uhh sure sir, I will paint you a beautiful ceiling sir.

**Also Michaelangelo, mildly infuriated:** gonna paint a bunch of dudes with their dick's out talking bout reward with exposure. Fuck you. Pay me.

People in glass houses...

A pacific island tribal king was infamous for conquering surrounding islands and stealing the defeated king’s throne, and then stowing it, like a trophy, in the attic of his grass hut.

One day when sitting on his throne in said grass hut, the ceiling collapses under the weight of his trophie...

My friend nailed some beef to the ceiling and told me to slap it

I told him no

The steaks were too high

Work Life

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a ligh...

What's black and is stuck to a ceiling?

A not very good electrician.

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old mate, I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want after all you're the boss...

But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I do not want just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big ...

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My mutant power

professor x: Whats your mutant power

me: I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try [points up] two pulls

professor x: [Stands up and pulls twice] not bad, but not a power

me: I’m kidding i can heal paraplegics

professor x: [Still standing] holy...

Two newspaper bosses are sent into a huge bank vault and find it stacked to the ceiling with piles of 24-karat bars. They can keep them for good, but only if they are able to diffuse a bomb first...

Editor 1: Thanks for the gold.

Editor 2: This blew up.

A lady arrives at a post office...

...and asks the postman:

"Hi, can I call my mom? I'm out of cash and I need to talk to her urgently".

The postman says "No money, no phone call, miss".

"I will do everything you want, please I really need to call my mother!" - the lady proceeds.

"Music to my ears" - the p...

Whats the difference between a Girlfriend, a Hooker and a Wife?

The Girlfriend says: "are you finished already?"

The Hooker says: "aren't you finished yet?"

The Wife says: "Blue..... we should paint this ceiling Blue"

Someone told me a joke about a ceiling fan.

It really left me hanging.

I was trying to change a lightbulb in the ceiling fan

My wife saw me struggling to reach it since it was pretty high up.

She said, "Let me get something for you to stand on. Do you prefer the ladder or the step stool?"

I said, "I'll take the latter."

So she brought me the step stool, just like I asked.

One night

I was lying in bed, staring at the stars, and then I thought... *Where the hell is my ceiling*?

After years of hard work, an ambitious yuppie books himself on a Caribbean cruise.

He has the time of his life until the boat
sinks and he ends up on a desert island. A month later the man
looks out to sea and sees a gorgeous woman rowing to shore. He
asks her where she’s come from.

"I was shipwrecked last year," she says. "I’ve been stranded on the
other sid...

Everyone seemed upset with me when I started hanging objects from ropes on the ceiling

I don’t know why, but it created some tension

Motel Coronavirus

Motel Coronavirus



On a dim dreary morning

Ceiling fan stirs the air

Stale beer and Doritos

Littered next to my chair

Just outside of my window

Saw a glimmer of light

My eyes were bloodshot and my head pounding

I hadn't slept all last ni...

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Dishes

Long one so get ready..

A young guy goes to purchase an old motorcycle from an old timer. When he arrives he's floored at how clean and spotless the bike is. It's flawless. He asks the old gentleman how he has kept this 40 year old bike in such great condition. Just then it starts to drizzle ...

What room has no walls, no floor and no ceiling ?

A mushroom.

(waiting for JokeExplainBot to explain it)

A guy walks into a bar and sees a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling about ten or eleven feet in the air

So he goes up to the bartender and asks, “Why do you have all this meat hanging up everywhere?”

The bartender replies, “Well, we actually have a bit of a game we like to play here, a sort of challenge.”

The man, obviously intrigued, asks the bartender what the game is. So the bartender...

Why where people looking out the ceiling and yelling?

They where ceiling fans.

I've come to appreciate having a roof above my head.

I'm a ceiling fan.

My wife left me whilst I was painting the ceiling

I was overcome with emulsion

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A vampire bat came flopping in from the night, covered in fresh blood, parked himself on the ceiling of a cave, and prepared to get some sleep.

Pretty soon, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and go get some sleep.

But they persisted, until finally he gave in, grudgingly. “Ok,” he said, “follow me,” and he flew out of the cave with hundreds and hundreds of bats...

Two men walk into a bar and see a sign behind the bar...

the sign reads "FREE Drinks if you complete the 'Task'"

They call the barman over and enquire about the sign

"It's true" say the barman, "free drinks all night if you complete the Task"

Curious, Man 1 asks "so whats the Task?"

"If you look directly up, you'll see two Sirl...

If I don't get a girlfriend by Christmas.

The mistletoe won't be the only thing hanging from the ceiling.

I had a punchbag suspended from the ceiling by a line, but the line snapped...

...I thought that's a terrible punchline.

My wife wouldn’t agree to installing a mirror on our bedroom ceiling!

She can’t stand to see me enjoy myself!

My dentist has a TV on the ceiling so the patient can watch shows while he works

Netflix and Drill

While Michelangelo was painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel....

One day, he looked down from the scaffolding to see a solitary old woman kneeling in a pew, praying.

Since the woman could not see him, Michelangelo decided to have a little fun, and he called out, "I am Jesus Christ, hear me!"

The woman did not look up, and continued praying. So, Mic...

If my ceiling fan could hold my weight...

I wouldn’t spend so much time on Reddit.

What's red and dingle dangles from the ceiling?

This was my grandfathers all time favorite joke.

Pop Pop: What's red and dingle dangles from the ceiling?

Me: I don't know...

Pop Pop: A Red dingle dangle of course!


Pop Pop: What's green and dingle dangles from the ceiling?

Me: A green dingle dangle!

Po...

Yesterday I went to bed and looked at the stars.

As I laid in my bed and looked at the sky, I thought to myself, "Where the hell did my ceiling go?"

The yoga teacher stretches her legs to the ceiling and suddenly farts

A student asks: "what position is that supposed to be?"
The teacher answers: "scented candle"

A man enters the gates of Heaven...

And sees a wall of large clocks. He goes up to Saint Peter and asks, “Saint Peter, what are these clocks for?”

Saint Peter replies to the man, “These are the Lie Clocks. Every person has one, and every time you told a lie, it ticked once. Here... this is Abe Lincoln’s clock. It ticked four t...

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Joffrey was a huge dick in life, so when he died he went to hell.

When he got there he was greeted by Satan himself.

"Welcome to hell." said the Devil. "You were a pretty big dick up there, so you will be spending eternity down here. I will, however, let you choose how you spend that eternity. Follow me."

He led Joffrey to a long corridor with window...

Honestly, with these ceiling fan jokes.

They just keep going around in circles, man.

Breaking through the glass ceiling

A wife comes home one night bragging about her new promotion at the office, "Its taken years, honey! But I think they finally are starting to respect me. I've added another crack towards breaking the glass ceiling!"

The husband replies, "If you want to break through so bad, hire a woman cont...

What do you call a person who likes ceilings?

A ceiling fan

Looking at my ceiling and ya know, I'm not saying it's the greatest ceiling in the world...

But it's up there.

My dad and were walking through a parking lot

I saw a piece of string hanging from the ceiling. Being silly, I told him, “Hey watch out, there’s a piece of string!” So my dad, confused, asks “Why should I be careful of a piece of string?” and I answer, “I don’t know, maybe you’re afraid of string.” His face lit up and he answered, “I’m a frayed...

I was watching a tv show about the worlds best ceiling...

And I realised that mine wasn't the best, but it was definitely up there.

How do you start a rave in Ethiopia?

Glue toast to the ceiling.

An original light bulb story

A student, let's call him Kevin, was having an oral exam in philosophy with his professor. Naturally, Kevin didn't study and couldn't answer any of the questions, even the easiest ones. The professor felt pity for him and gave him one last chance:

"Ok Kevin, if you can answer this question y...

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Who's the boss of the body?

One day, certain parts of the body got into an argument over who was in charge. The eyes said "well, we're in charge because without us, the body wouldn't be able to interact with the world."

"Are you kidding??" Said the legs. "Without us, you eyes would have nothing to see except a ceiling. ...

What does a ceiling fan say?

Go ceiling! You’re number 1!

Gonna study hard , get a decent job , give my best at work so that I can buy a house with a

strong ceiling fan I can hang myself on.

President Ronald Reagan's favorite joke...

There once were twin boys, age six, that had developed extreme personalities. One was a pessimist the other a total optimist. Concerned, their parents took them to a psychiatrist.

First, the psychiatrist treated the pessimist. Trying to brighten his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a roo...

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A man, tired after a long days work, walks into a bar.

He doesn't see any menus, signage, or anything to indicate a price for the products behind the bar. So, he asks the bartender. "How much for a beer?"

The bartender looks to the ceiling for a moment, before replying. "One dollar and it comes with your choice of twelve top shelf bottles."
...

Why is this ceiling so high?

Oh, probably because it just got roofied

It took over a month to install our floor-to-ceiling windows.

It was a big pane.

I don't get why women keep complaining about this "glass ceiling"

Where I work we have this cool glass floor, though.

A guy walks into a bar and notices many cuts of beef suspended from the ceiling several feet above his head.

The guy orders a drink and asks the bartender about the meat.
The bartender replies, "It's a contest I run here. You get one try. If you can jump high enough to touch one of them, you get the money in the pot . If you miss, you have to put $500 in. You want to try?"
The guy thinks for a second...

My friend claims that his apartment is 100 feet from ceiling to floor.

Bit of a tall story if you ask me.

A man is sitting alone on a train.

A man is sitting alone on a train, whole carriage to himself. It's raining heavily outside and there's a gap on the ceiling right above the man's head, pouring water into the carriage and soaking him wet. The inspector comes in collecting tickets, sees the man in this miserable state and asks "Excus...

A man goes to heaven

A man dies and goes to heaven, where he is met with Peter in a room full of clocks. The man looks around and sees something weird: all the clocks are going at a different pace. The man turns to Peter and asks him what all does clocks are about.

Peter replies: that is what we use to see if som...

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Post-humor

A country man milks a cow. Only the bucket was half full the cow jerks its leg and knocks over the bucket. Then the man found some rope and standing on a stool tied the cow by the leg to the crossbar on
the ceiling.

When the bucket is half full again the cow kicks the bucket again and it o...

How many Paladins does it take to install a ceiling lamp?

Two, one to the screw the bolts in and the other to uphold the light.

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I masturbated for the first time in a month and my ejaculation hit the ceiling.

Which is crazy, considering I was in a church.

An old man lay dying under the ceiling fan. . .

An old man lay dying under the ceiling fan, which had the bearing of a military helicopter airily surveying the aftermath of a natural disaster.

Surrounded by his son, his twin daughters and a haggard-looking nurse who looked about ready to end it all if only she could find the bloody switch,...

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The military is testing new life insurance policies.

So one doctor decided to measure from one point on the body to another and give the recipient 1,000 dollars for each inch.
After explaining this to 3 test subjects they ask the first one to come in. It's a low ranking private. "Where would you like us to measure?" The doctor asks. "From the top ...

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.

She hit the ceiling!

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A guy goes into a bar and sees an attractive woman at the bar.

He sends her a drink and she gives him a smile. He walks over to join her and sure enough, they hit it off. They talk for a while longer and she finally says, "Listen, why don't we go back to my place for a nightcap."

They get to her place and are barely in the door before they are kissing an...

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A man rushes into a public lavatory

A man rushes into a public lavatory but finds all the cubicles to be occupied.
With the need to defecate urgent, he shits inside a plastic bag.
While looking for a way to dispose the bag, he spies an open window. He aims and throws the bag but it opens mid way and the shit spreads all over...

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What do you get when you cross a ceiling fan with your dick?

A bad time.

I tape microwave popcorn to the ceiling cause

it's cheaper than a smoke alarm.

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Watched a tutorial on how to get your dick stuck in a ceiling fan

Instructions weren't clear, solved a Rubik's cube blindfolded instead.

"I can see the glass ceiling! DOWN WITH THE GLASS CEILING!"

"Megan, we're in an aquarium! NO!"

A cowboy walks into a bar...

He parked his horse outside and went in for a beer bottle. After finishing it up he goes to leave and his horse was stolen.

The guy walks in again, gun in the air, shoots the ceiling and shouts "you have until I finish up a second beer bottle to return my horse, or else I will have to do what...

I'm afraid my ceiling fan is going to fall down on me.

Yeah, it's really been hanging over my head lately.

Many people don't appreciate the work put into making ceilings..

Very often, it goes over their heads.

A guy meets a girl in a bar and they go back to her apartment.

They go into her bedroom and from left to right, floor to ceiling, there’s a whole wall full of fluffy toys. Floor to ceiling, side to side, fluffy toys everywhere. They get it on.

When they’re done, the guy says, “How was I?”

She says, “Take anything from the bottom shelf.”

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(NSFW) Last night I tried to hit the ceiling with my jizz, but just like every night, I was unsuccessful.

It was one of my many shortcomings

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