Ceiling Jokes - 85 Hilarious Ceiling Jokes

A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you ...

I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world,

but it’s definitely up there.

I have a great joke about ceilings.

I try to tell it to people, but it just goes over their heads.

Professor X [sitting in his wheel chair] asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?" Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"

She points up and says: "3 pulls"

Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.

Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
r>Girl: "Yeah I was jut kidding, I can heal paraplegics"

Professor X, still standing: ...

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What's the difference between having sex with a hooker, your girlfriend and your wife?

Hooker says, "are you done yet?"

Your girlfriend says, "you're done already?"

And your wife says, "beige, we should definitely paint the ceiling beige."

I just realized my apartment has a pretty good ceiling.

I mean...it’s not the best, but it’s up there.

A man walks into a bar and sees 2 steaks hanging from the ceiling.

He sits down and orders a beer, and asks the bartender
"what's the deal with the steaks?"

"It's a competition. If you can jump up and slap both steaks at the same time, one with each hand, you win the bar. If you try and fail, though, you pay for everyone's drinks for the rest of the nigh...

What's red and dingle dangles from the ceiling?

This was my grandfathers all time favorite joke.

Pop Pop: What's red and dingle dangles from the ceiling?

Me: I don't know...

Pop Pop: A Red dingle dangle of course!

Pop Pop: What's green and dingle dangles from the ceiling?

Me: A green dingle dangle!

Po...

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In a brewery, the ceiling is getting painted

One of the painters falls into a barrel with 1000 liters of beer and drowns. His boss then goes to the colleague's wife to report the death. "Did my husband suffer much?" "I don't think so, he went out to take a piss three times."

Why do you duck when the ceiling is low?

So you don’t quack your head

When people come over to my house they always tell me I have a nice ceiling

I don’t think it’s the best but it’s up there.

what do you call an Irishman hanging from the ceiling?

"Sean D'Olier" ........ What do you call his wife "Crystal"

Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”

What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.

A wire just fell from the ceiling

I was shocked when the electrician couldn’t fix it.

The Sistine Chapel ceiling may not be the greatest work of art ever, but

it's definitely up there.

I quit my job at the high ceiling store after one day.

Everything there went way over my head.

I keep all my medicines in the ceiling

It's my drug attic.

The glass ceiling

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "My girlfriend is always complaining that she can't advance at work because of the glass ceiling. What do you think" he asks the bartender. "I think if our workplaces really had glass ceilings," the bartender replies,"we'd probably let all the women work abo...

Just bought a new ceiling fan

At least something's blowing me

A man goes to Heaven and meets Jesus.

While Jesus is showing him round, he spots a broken clock.
“What’s that there for?” he asks.
Jesus says “that’s Mother Teresa’s clock it has never moved because she has never lied.”
“Just over here is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. He lied twice, so it has moved twice.”

“Where is Don...

What is the controlling design factor for the ceiling of a study room?

The attention span.

I was watching a tv show about the worlds best ceiling...

And I realised that mine wasn't the best, but it was definitely up there.

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcef...

I bought a ceiling fan the other day.

Complete waste of money. All he does is stand there applauding and saying he loves how smooth it is.

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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. (one of my favourite jokes, worth the read)

However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the z...

I am a ceiling fan.

I can't help but look up to them.

Someone put dish soap on the ceiling today.

I didn't know until it dawned upon me.

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A vampire bat came flopping in from the night, covered in fresh blood, parked himself on the ceiling of a cave, and prepared to get some sleep.

Pretty soon, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and go get some sleep.

But they persisted, until finally he gave in, grudgingly. “Ok,” he said, “follow me,” and he flew out of the cave with hundreds and hundreds of bats...

Looking at my ceiling and ya know, I'm not saying it's the greatest ceiling in the world...

But it's up there.

A man walks into a bar and sees a large jar full of £20 notes and a large piece of meat hanging from the ceiling

He confronts the bartender about it, and he explains.

'You put your £20 note in the jar, and then you get 3 jumps where you can try and grab that beef on the ceiling. If you get it, you can keep it and all the money in the jar.'

The man thought about for the moment, shook his head reg...

I finally realized why many apartments have weird popcorn ceiling

I sat at my desk and started working on a project.

A group of bats, hanging at the ceiling of a cave.....

discovers a single bat standing upright underneath on the floor of the cave.

Surprised by this unusual behavior, they ask this fellow: "What the heck are you doing down there?"

And the fellow shouts back: "Yoga!"

Me: Hello, ASPCA? There's a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan

ASPCA: We don't believe you

Me: Well you'll have to take my whirred ferret

What does a ceiling fan say?

Go ceiling! You’re number 1!

Honestly, with these ceiling fan jokes.

They just keep going around in circles, man.

When I hung my chandelier, I put it all the way at the top of the ceiling.

Some say it’s too high, but it’s the high light of my life.

What's black and is stuck to a ceiling?

A not very good electrician.

A child point his finger at a toy plane attached to the ceiling

And he says to his mum “mum I really want to be like that airplane when I grow up!”

His mother: “why? Because it flies really high?”

Him:”no, because it’s hanging from the ceiling”

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A guy walks into a bar with a gun ...

A guy walks into a bar with a gun, fires one shot into the ceiling, then snarls: “Who’s the low-down dirty varmint who had sex with my wife?”

There is a long silence, until a guy in the back calls out: “You ain’t got enough bullets!”

What room has no walls, no floor and no ceiling ?

A mushroom.

(waiting for JokeExplainBot to explain it)

Why where people looking out the ceiling and yelling?

They where ceiling fans.

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How do I keep her awake?

A man went into work one day and asked his best friend for advice on a “personal matter.”

“Every time me and my wife are 69ing; she always tends to fall asleep. Do you have any ideas how I can stop this from happening?”

His friend surprised says “I used to have the exact same problem!...

Two factory workers are talking among themselves.

The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."

The man replies, "And how would you do that?"

To which the woman answers, "Just wait and watch."
She hangs herself upside down from the ceiling.

The boss comes in, takes a look at her and asks, "What are you doing?"...

While Michelangelo was painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel....

One day, he looked down from the scaffolding to see a solitary old woman kneeling in a pew, praying.

Since the woman could not see him, Michelangelo decided to have a little fun, and he called out, "I am Jesus Christ, hear me!"

The woman did not look up, and continued praying. So, Mic...

A man died and went to heaven...

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, “what are those clocks?”

St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks, everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock wi...

I don't get why women keep complaining about this "glass ceiling"

Where I work we have this cool glass floor, though.

Where did da Vinci visit after painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel?

Mostly the chiropractor's office

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I was installing a light in the attic today, when I slipped off a joist and put my foot right through the bedroom ceiling. It scared the shit out of my girlfriend.

I'm not surprised though, she kicked me out last August.

If my ceiling fan could hold my weight...

I wouldn’t spend so much time on Reddit.

I tape microwave popcorn to the ceiling cause

it's cheaper than a smoke alarm.

A town floods and there is a religious man stuck on his ceiling.

On the first day a boat with other civilians passes by and asks if they want to go with them to safety. The man replies with “God will supply me and be my savior”. The next day firefighters come by in a rescue boat and asks the man if he wants help. He again replies “God will supply me and be my sav...

My wife left me whilst I was painting the ceiling

I was overcome with emulsion

What noise does a ceiling fan make?

GO CEILING!!! WHOOOHOOO!!!! YOUR NUMBER ONE!! YAY, CEILING RULES!!!

My friend nailed some beef to the ceiling and told me to slap it

I told him no

The steaks were too high

I was laying in bed last night looking up at the stars in the sky when I thought to myself

Where the hell is my ceiling.

My wife wouldn’t agree to installing a mirror on our bedroom ceiling!

She can’t stand to see me enjoy myself!

My uncle Rob died at the height of ecstasy, in one of those seedy hotels, when the ceiling mirror fell on him

Sad to die alone like that.

An old man lay dying under the ceiling fan. . .

An old man lay dying under the ceiling fan, which had the bearing of a military helicopter airily surveying the aftermath of a natural disaster.

Surrounded by his son, his twin daughters and a haggard-looking nurse who looked about ready to end it all if only she could find the bloody switch,...

How many Paladins does it take to install a ceiling lamp?

Two, one to the screw the bolts in and the other to uphold the light.

How do you Touch your Ceiling Without Jumping?

I don't know either. I'm floored.

I had a punchbag suspended from the ceiling by a line, but the line snapped...

...I thought that's a terrible punchline.

Everyone seemed upset with me when I started hanging objects from ropes on the ceiling

I don’t know why, but it created some tension

My friend claims that his apartment is 100 feet from ceiling to floor.

Bit of a tall story if you ask me.

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I masturbated for the first time in a month and my ejaculation hit the ceiling.

Which is crazy, considering I was in a church.

My dentist has a TV on the ceiling so the patient can watch shows while he works

Netflix and Drill

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"Of course I can paint your ceiling," Michaelangelo scoffed.

"Gonna paint a bunch of dudes with their dicks out on it though."

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A beautiful lady of the evening owns a penthouse on Lake Shore Drive. She’s entertaining a young man who is deciding what he’d like.

“So, how much would a reach-around set me back?”

The woman replies without hesitation, “Five-hundred dollars.”

The man is taken aback! “$500!”

The woman replies, “See this apartment? Handies paid for it!”

Convinced, the couple repair to the bedroom. A little later, they a...

I taught my son about gravity by throwing pasta and sauce at the ceiling

He didn't get it at first, but it wasn't long before the penne dropped.

It took over a month to install our floor-to-ceiling windows.

It was a big pane.

Many people don't appreciate the work put into making ceilings..

Very often, it goes over their heads.

The Exorcist

A family is looking to buy a house and as they are looking around they see a big stain on the ceiling and ask the real estate agent about it.

"See, a few months ago there was a family living here and this room belonged to a little girl who was possessed and a priest performed an exorcism in h...

Ever made love under a mirrored ceiling?

I could see myself doing that.

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What do you get when you cross a ceiling fan with your dick?

A bad time.

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Watched a tutorial on how to get your dick stuck in a ceiling fan

Instructions weren't clear, solved a Rubik's cube blindfolded instead.

I was a little weirded out when I walked into my friend’s room and saw a dart board stuck on the ceiling.

Eventually I had to throw up.

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An 80 year old blind man walks into a pub and sits at the bar.

He orders a pint and tells the landlord, "I've been blind for 50 years lad. My hearing's perfectly attuned. I bet can tell you what's happening in any room in this pub."

"Oh really", says the landlord, "go ahead then".

The old man cups a hand round his ear, tilts his head to the ceil...

A guy walks into a bar and sees a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling about ten or eleven feet in the air

So he goes up to the bartender and asks, “Why do you have all this meat hanging up everywhere?”

The bartender replies, “Well, we actually have a bit of a game we like to play here, a sort of challenge.”

The man, obviously intrigued, asks the bartender what the game is. So the bartender...

A man goes to Heaven and meets Jesus.

Upon arriving at the pearly gates, Jesus said, "Come on in. I'll show you around. I really think you'll like it here."

Walking through the gates, the man noticed that there were clocks everywhere. It appeared that Heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.

Surprised at how H...

Have you heard the one about the ceiling?

Nevermind, it's over your head

I have a friend who has a strange obsession with ceilings.

I guess you could say he's a ceiling fan.

If Historical figures only had a Jewish Mother...

MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER: "After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?"

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call, you didn't write."

MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER: "A ceiling you paint? No...

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A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper.

When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says, "

"Now remember....that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sure you keep a tub of vaseline with you. Rub it all over the seat so the ...

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old mate, I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want after all you're the boss...

But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I do not want just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big ...

Just wrote this one about my esteemed profession. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the aforementioned task in a timely and efficient manner within the structure in which said bulb is housed and being dependent on the following variables:

Whereas it should be taken in to account that ceiling heights may differ significantly f...

Hendrik A. Lorentz Walks into a bar.

Hendrik A. Lorentz Walks into a bar.

He sees a beautiful blonde directly in front of him, and immediately feels an irresistible magnetic attraction.

Then he glances to his left, sees a stunning redhead, and feels an electric spark.

So he shoots straight up through the ceiling.

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