I had a punchbag suspended from the ceiling by a line, but the line snapped...

...I thought that's a terrible punchline.

My Favorite Politics Joke

A man goes to heaven.

He sees thousands of clocks everywhere.

He asks god why there are so many clocks.

God says that everyone, living or dead has a personal clock, and every time they tell a lie, it ticks one minute.

The man asks where Hillary Clinton’s clock is. ...

My wife wouldn’t agree to installing a mirror on our bedroom ceiling!

She can’t stand to see me enjoy myself!

What room has no walls, no floor and no ceiling ?

A mushroom.

(waiting for JokeExplainBot to explain it)

A guy walks into a bar and sees a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling about ten or eleven feet in the air

So he goes up to the bartender and asks, “Why do you have all this meat hanging up everywhere?”

The bartender replies, “Well, we actually have a bit of a game we like to play here, a sort of challenge.”

The man, obviously intrigued, asks the bartender what the game is. So the bartender...

I once tried to kill myself by hanging from the ceiling with a noose around my neck. I was unsure if it would work.

The suspense was killing me.

It took over a month to install our floor-to-ceiling windows.

It was a big pane.

Two neighbors are talking

One of them is just a simple worker,lives on the second floor, and has been married for 3 years, and has 4 kids.

The other is a cop,lives on the first floor. and has been married for 11 years with no kids.

The cop asks the worker:

"How come you've only been married for 3 years, ...

What do you call a person who likes ceilings?

A ceiling fan

A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you ...

Why is this ceiling so high?

Oh, probably because it just got roofied

If my ceiling fan could hold my weight...

I wouldn’t spend so much time on Reddit.

Honestly, with these ceiling fan jokes.

They just keep going around in circles, man.

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A vampire bat came flopping in from the night, covered in fresh blood, parked himself on the ceiling of a cave, and prepared to get some sleep.

Pretty soon, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and go get some sleep.

But they persisted, until finally he gave in, grudgingly. “Ok,” he said, “follow me,” and he flew out of the cave with hundreds and hundreds of bats...

A man walks into a bar and notices a steak hanging from the ceiling.

When he asked the bartender about it, the bartender said, “If you can jump up and hit it, drinks are ok the house for the night. But if you miss, everyone’s drinks are on your tab for the next 2 hours. Do you want to try?”

The man decided not to take the risk. He thought the steaks were too h...

I like my ceiling.

It's not the best, but it's up there.

My friend claims that his apartment is 100 feet from ceiling to floor.

Bit of a tall story if you ask me.

What does a ceiling fan say?

Go ceiling! You’re number 1!

How many Paladins does it take to install a ceiling lamp?

Two, one to the screw the bolts in and the other to uphold the light.

A guy walks into a bar and notices many cuts of beef suspended from the ceiling several feet above his head.

The guy orders a drink and asks the bartender about the meat.
The bartender replies, "It's a contest I run here. You get one try. If you can jump high enough to touch one of them, you get the money in the pot . If you miss, you have to put $500 in. You want to try?"
The guy thinks for a second...

I really like my ceiling fan

It may not be the best in the world..but it’s definitely up there

A man walks into a bar. First thing he notices is two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

He sits down at the bar and says "what's with the meat?"

The bartender replies "Ah that's our game. The rules are simple, if you can jump in the air and touch both pieces of meat before your feet touch the floor, everyone else in the bar will buy your drinks for the evening, but if you can't ...

An old man lay dying under the ceiling fan. . .

An old man lay dying under the ceiling fan, which had the bearing of a military helicopter airily surveying the aftermath of a natural disaster.

Surrounded by his son, his twin daughters and a haggard-looking nurse who looked about ready to end it all if only she could find the bloody switch,...

My ceiling isn’t my favourite thing in the world...

But you know, it’s up there.

Looking at my ceiling and ya know, I'm not saying it's the greatest ceiling in the world...

But it's up there.

I was watching a tv show about the worlds best ceiling...

And I realised that mine wasn't the best, but it was definitely up there.

I don't get why women keep complaining about this "glass ceiling"

Where I work we have this cool glass floor, though.

A man died and went to Heaven.

As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks for?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."

"Oh", ...

What's red and dingle dangles from the ceiling?

This was my grandfathers all time favorite joke.

Pop Pop: What's red and dingle dangles from the ceiling?

Me: I don't know...

Pop Pop: A Red dingle dangle of course!


Pop Pop: What's green and dingle dangles from the ceiling?

Me: A green dingle dangle!

Po...

I bought a ceiling fan the other day

complete waste of money! All he does is stand, applaud, and say he loves how smooth it is!

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I masturbated for the first time in a month and my ejaculation hit the ceiling.

Which is crazy, considering I was in a church.

"I can see the glass ceiling! DOWN WITH THE GLASS CEILING!"

"Megan, we're in an aquarium! NO!"

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Watched a tutorial on how to get your dick stuck in a ceiling fan

Instructions weren't clear, solved a Rubik's cube blindfolded instead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Does he still love me?

Man and Woman are lying in bed and thinking:

Woman:
He is lying next to me. He doesn't hug me.
He is looking at the ceiling. Who knows what he is thinking about?
We are together for four years. That is too long for replacing me for some younger and more beautiful woman.
Well I ga...

I'm afraid my ceiling fan is going to fall down on me.

Yeah, it's really been hanging over my head lately.

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefuln...

When I was little and couldn’t sleep, Dad would just throw me up in the air a few times and soon I’d be out like a light...

We had very low ceilings.

What's black and stuck to the ceiling

A not so good electrician

I'm so smart, I've got more brains than...

Kurt Cobain's ceiling

Two vampire bats are hanging from the ceiling of their cave...

... and one of them says he's hungry, so he flies off to find some food. Within a minute, he's back, blood all round his mouth, looking like he's had a really good meal. The other bat is amazed, and says, "Where did you find so much blood so fast?" So the first bat says, "Come with me, I'll show ...

Many people don't appreciate the work put into making ceilings..

Very often, it goes over their heads.

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”

The man asks, “And how would you do that?”

​

The woman says, “Just wait and see.”

​

She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.

​

The boss comes in and asks, “What are you doing?”

​

The woman replies...

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My Grandpa told me this joke when I was 16... It took me a few years to understand it.

How do you get a black man to stop jumping on the bed? Put velcro on the ceiling.

I tape microwave popcorn to the ceiling cause

it's cheaper than a smoke alarm.

I have a friend who has a strange obsession with ceilings.

I guess you could say he's a ceiling fan.

A man walks into a butchers...

The man says to the butcher "Are you a gambling man?" The butcher replies "Yes, you could say that." The man says "Okay then, I bet you $100 you can't reach that meat you've got hanging from the ceiling up there." The Butcher looks up and says "No sorry" The man says "I thought you said you were a g...

My downstairs neighbor was yelling and banging on the ceiling until 3 AM

Did that bother you? Not much. I was up til about the same time practicing my trumpet.

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(NSFW) Last night I tried to hit the ceiling with my jizz, but just like every night, I was unsuccessful.

It was one of my many shortcomings

A man goes into heaven and there he meets Jesus.

He asks Jesus what that broken clock is there for. Jesus says “that is Mother Teresa’s clock it has never moved because she has never lied”.
“There is Abraham Lincoln's clock. He had lied twice so it has moved twice.”
“Where is Donald Trump’s?” Asked the man.
Jesus answers “it is in m...

How do you start a rave in Uganda ?

Glue a piece of toast to the ceiling

What noise does a ceiling fan make?

GO CEILING!!! WHOOOHOOO!!!! YOUR NUMBER ONE!! YAY, CEILING RULES!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man at a motel in the middle of nowhere

This joke is actually best heard in Hindi, let's see how well it does translated.

A man is staying in a room at a motel at night in the middle of nowhere, on his way to a different city. Being the only establishment as far as the eye can see, let's just say the management is lax about basic u...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Of course I can paint your ceiling," Michaelangelo scoffed.

"Gonna paint a bunch of dudes with their dicks out on it though."

An antivaxer has a heart attack. He's rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.

Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”
<...

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The Octopus Joke Retold

So this guy walks into a bar with an Octopus. He is named the Amazing Octodad, seriously it's on his T-shirt. He heads to the bar, gets a beer and waits for the music to stop. A cute blonde gives a weird wtf look when a tentacle starts wriggling over to tickle her leg but Octodad just winks and says...

Have you heard the one about the ceiling?

Nevermind, it's over your head

A man goes to heaven, and to his surprise, he sees a huge wall covered in clocks.

A man goes to heaven, and after walking through the gates, he gets escorted to a waiting room. In the room, he sees a huge wall, covered in clocks. Each clock has only one hand, and each hand has a name written on it. Some clocks are moving rather slowly, while others go a full circle in less than t...

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The main attraction gorilla at a zoo dies right before the zoo opens for the day.

Many of the zoo’s daily visitors come just to see the gorilla. So, in a desperate move, the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.
Qui...

A man builds a church with a bell tower.

A man builds a church with a bell tower. The bell tower has a hole on the top floor where the man would ring the bell that was forgotten to be patched up.After the construction, he hired a person to ring the bell to inform people when the mass is about to start.

A guy comes in and sees the l...

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Brandon is shopping for a used motorcycle.

He finally finds one for a great price, but it’s missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.


One day, his girlfriend asks him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting fo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little eddy

Little Eddy has really upset the girls at school.

After months of enduring his foul language and sexual innuendoes in class, the girls one day get together before class and decide, if today, Eddy says anything even remotely sexual or offensive, we will all get up at the same time and walk out...

A man walks into a bar, and the second he does, the bartender tells him of a bet.

He says, "You see that meat on the ceiling? You have three tries to grab it. If you grab it within three tries, you get free drinks for life. If you don't, you've got to buy the whole bar a round."

The man contemplates for a while, but eventually answers. "Nah, I'll pass. The steaks are too h...

Ever made love under a mirrored ceiling?

I could see myself doing that.

A man dies and goes to gates of Saint Peter

Once up there he sees thousands upon thousands of clocks behind Saint Peter. He asks him

"What are all those clocks for?"

"Well, every person gets a clock as soon as they're born, and every time they tell lie the handles move forward one minute. You see here this is the clock of Abraha...

Love.

What's the difference between a girlfriend, a hooker, and a wife?

Girlfriend asks "Are you done?"

Hooker looks at her watch and says "Yep, you're done."

Wife says "Beige. I we'll paint the ceiling beige."

So a doctor visits a mental hospital...

He shows up, and the lady at the front desk directs him to an interesting duo. Two men, one of which is hanging from the ceiling and another who is seemingly sawing air. The doctor asks the man sawing away, "what is it that you are doing?" The man replies, "I'm building a ladder to sneak out of this...

He wanted a few days off

A Guy urgently needed a few days off work,
But, he knew the Boss would not allow him to leave.
he thought that maybe if he acted "Crazy"
Then he would tell him to take a few days off.
So, he hung upside-down on the ceiling &
Made funny noises.
His co-worker (who's blonde)! aske...

Sales Surge

Wire hangers break the glass ceiling in sales today at ALABAMA Kmarts.

Ladder to Success

A man falls asleep one night with depressing thoughts of his failures in life; never has he been able to provide for his family what he wants them to have. He wakes up the next morning on the floor of a room with only a white painted ceiling and floor. No walls. Just clouds as far as he can see. In ...

There once was a right-handed girl who tried her best to be left-handed every now and then...

There once was a right-handed girl who tried her best to be left-handed every now and then. She felt hungry one morning and went to her kitchen to make a ham and cheese toastie.

She thought this would be a good time to practise using her left hand. However things didn't go well: she cut her f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you stop black kids bouncing on their beds?

Velcro the ceiling

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three army officers decide to camp near their base for a night...

There hiking up a hill when a massive storm rolls in, they need shelter, luckily for them they find a small, super run down, old, musty, cabin.

They enter the cabin, and it’s a disaster...

Everything is overturned, animals had clearly screwed the place.

But the storm was inten...

A guy tries to kill himself

Fed up with his disgusting life, a absent-minded man decides to kill himself. He writes a long note to his wife, who was out working as a cashier. Then, he prepares to do the deed.

The wife comes back home a few hours later, and find his husband dangling from the ceiling with a rope tied arou...

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

(Old and not mine) A man dies and goes to heaven

When he gets there he sees a wall of immeasurable proportions made entirely of clocks with a gate in the center. He sees an angel in front of the gate so he asks

“What do all of these clocks represent?”

To which the angel replies,

“These are the clocks of man, every person tha...

I like to think of Kurt Cobain as the ‘Michelangelo’ of Rock

Although he had a different approach to painting ceilings.

The Worst Bar on the Beach

Ben and his friends decided to visit the worst bar on the beach in Clearwater, FL.

The beer was warm, the food was bad, and the service was terrible. But all across the ceiling, various types of meet were displayed- turkey, bacon, ham, pork loin- you name it.

But Ben persevered and m...

A guy walks into the bar

He pulls out his gun and shoots a round into the ceiling. That's to get the attention of the guy that slept with my wife.

A voice in the back replied, you're gonna need a lot more bullets.

Memory Test

Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test. The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three?"

The man thought for a moment and answered, "274."

The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is thre...

A blonde and a brunette work in an office together...

The brunette tells the blonde that she doesn't feel like being there today, so she jumps up and grabs the hanging ceiling light.

About that time their boss walks into the room and asks the brunette what the hell she is doing.

The brunette responds: "I'm a light bulb!"

The boss ...

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As Jesus was traversing a vast expanse of sand and heat he came across a homosexual, dying from thirst.

As the son of god Jesus pitied the man, saved his life, and offered to lead him out if this forsaken land. Gladly the man agreed to follow him out of the desert.

Soon Jesus came across a tortoise that had fallen on it's back. As he bent down to help this poor creature the gay man, who had no...

A man walks into a restaurant​...

A man walks into a restaurant,

He sits down, and a waiter comes over.

The waiter says: "You see those meats stuck up there on the ceiling?"

The man says: "yeah, I do..."

Waiter: "If you can jump up and touch those meats, I will give you $250,000... but if you jump up and...

Phil Swift has a new product

He puts on a pair of boots and says, " I present to you the FlexBoots! Now this product may seem like ordinary boots, but with these bad boys you can run up walls, on the ceiling!" He goes on to demonstrate them by walking on random surfaces. "To show you the power FlexBoots", the camera slowly zoo...

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