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Dump Jokes

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My girlfriend just dumped me.

She said in a teary tirade:

“I can’t take your shit any more. You’re such a pedant. Everything I do is wrong. I loved you so much, but it’ll never be enough for you. I’m leaving now. Me and Gary are driving up north through the night and then you’ll never hear from me again”

She was a...

My girlfriend just dumped me because of my gambling addiction.

But I know I can win her back.
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I dumped my last girlfriend because she was a communist.

I should've known sooner. There were red flags everywhere.
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Last week, My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her Wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back.
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Got dumped because she said I was obsessed with boat puns

Canoe believe that?
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I wasn't upset when my gf dumped me because I had a small penis.

I was never really that much into her.

My girlfriend dumped me today saying I was too childish

But today is opposite day so it's all good
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what did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend

he wiped his ass
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I recently fucked my best friend after my girlfriend dumped me.

I don’t know wtf I was doing fucking a guy but I obviously wasn’t thinking straight

My vegan girlfriend dumped me. The other day I bit into a vegan sandwich and cried.

Not because I missed her but because it was vegan.
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One day, a girl comes home crying, upset that her boyfriend had just dumped her.

Devastated, she starts trashing the place, smashing pictures of her ex-boyfriend and knocking things off shelves, rampaging from room to room. In her mother’s bedroom she rips down the curtains, jumps on the bed and smashes some mirrors. She finally calms down enough to notice that a small secret dr...

What’s the worst way to dump a blind person?

“I think we should see other people…”
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My cousin's cross eyed girlfriend dumped him

We have a feeling she was seeing someone on the side
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My girlfriend dumped me after my grandma had a stroke last night.

She said it was disgusting to let my grandma touch me like that.
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A man was dumping toxic waste into a river.

Suddenly, the sky darkened, lightning flashed, and a glowing woman appeared, hovering above the river.

**"For your crimes, I curse you to only speak in words related to water!",** she intoned, and then vanished in another flash of lightning.

The man stood, shocked, before gathering his...
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What did Scorpion say when Sonya dumped Johnny Cage?

Get over her!
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My girlfriend told me if I didn't stop singing "I'm a believer" by smash mouth she would dump me...

I thought she was joking
But then i saw her face
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My girlfriend dumped me because I'm unorganised.

So she packed my suitcase and I left.
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My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games

What a ridiculous thing to fallout 4
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I just got dumped by my cross-eyed girlfriend

She said she wasn’t looking forward to see me.
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Difference between Trump and a dump truck?

Four Goodyears.
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My girlfriend dumped me for an indian

At least I know he's going to treat her good, I heard they worship cows
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I dumped my girlfriend after she falsely claimed Netflix was the cheapest streaming service.

I refuse to associate with a Hulu-cost denier.
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Why did Washington, D.C. get all the lawyers and New Jersey get all the toxic waste dumps?

New Jersey had the first pick.
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I jokingly told my friend I was collecting the corpses of past emperors of Russia and dumping them into a giant ravine, but he thought I was serious and asked what was wrong with me.

I guess he just doesn't understand tsar chasm.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day in the Garden of Eden God notices that Adam looks down in the dumps

"What's up Adam?" says God.
"Not to be ungrateful God, it's great here and everything but I'm lonely all on my own," replies Adam.
God thinks for a moment and says, "I know what, for a small price I'll create a woman for you and then you won't be lonely any more."
"A woman," says Adam...

My girlfriend just dumped me

She got mad because of “the way I spend my money on myself”

But the thing is, I bought her presents every week, took her on trips, spent literally thousands on her in this relationship, and just this one time, I spend literally just a $100 on a hooker, she gets all mad and dumps me…
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I'm feeling sad because I went to the supermarket today for the sale they had on ginger ale but they were dumping all their stock into a hydraulic crusher out back.

It was soda pressing.
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NSFW: Bear and Rabbit are taking a dump in the woods.

Bear asks Rabbit "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"

Rabbit says no.

So Bear picks Rabbit up and wipes his ass with him.

My lawyer dumped me after I said I hated U2.

He was working under a Pro Bono agreement.
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What did the grandpa say when his grandchild took a dump in the water well?

Well shit

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I always feel like a better person after taking a dump…

because I know I am no longer full of shit.

A guy is camping and finds his buddy standing over an outhouse toilet about to drop a $50 bill down the hole.

“What on earth are you doing?” he asks his buddy.

His friend replies “I was taking a dump and a $10 bill fell out of my pocket and went down the hole…… and I sure as hell ain’t going down there for ten bucks”.
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I dumped a girl right after she took me to her home and showed me all her Nazi pride memorabilia

There were a lot of red flags

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After the safety talk in the airplane the pilot forgets to turn off the microphone... He turns to his copilot and says: "I'm gonna take a dump and then I'm gonna fuck that smoking hot stewardess."

When the stewardess realizes what's going on she starts to sprint to the front to warn the pilot that his mic is still on but trips and falls. A passenger turns to her and says: "Calm down, he's taking a dump first."

My girlfriend wants to dump me -- she says I'm too vindictive

We'll see about that.
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I’ve been killing rich parents, throwing spiders at nerdy teens, dumping acid on kids, and calling disabled people mutants.

I haven’t created a superhero yet, but it better happen soon because I need to be stopped.
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If someone says you have a dump truck ass

They’re telling you you need a CDL for that BBL

Got dumped on Halloween…

Well at least she didn’t ghost me
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A Scrabble game got dumped all over the interstate highway.

That's the word on the street at least.
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My friend’s girlfriend dumped him and is telling everyone he has a small penis.

He claims he wasn’t that much into her anyways.

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I wanted to dump my girlfriend in hydrochloric acid...

But that basic bitch neutralized the situation.

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A redneck is on his honeymoon about to make love, when his wife says...

"Wait, honey, there's somethin' I need you to know. I'm a virgirn"
"WHAT THE FUCK?" The man shouts, and he punches her in the face, knocks her out. He wraps her in the bedsheets, drags her down the stairs and out the door, throws her into the back of his pickup truck, and drives on over to her da...

I'm feeling down in the dumps...

Looks like she's been eating the duvet again
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I was recently dumped by a girl that has a lisp.

I've just received a text from her saying: "Was thinking of you when I bought some highly alcoholic green liquid."

Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.
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I used to go out with an English teacher, but she dumped me.

I used to go out with an English teacher, but she dumped me.


She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.
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LPT: Stay hydrated and dump your old bong water

SLPT: Do that in one action
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President Xi doesnt take a dump..

He has a Pooh!
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My neighbor called me to complain that my oxen was taking a dump in his backyard.

I said that's bullshit

I bought the love of my life some fish from Washington, but she dumped me immediately afterwards.

Oh well, there's plenty more fish in DC.
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Reddit is definitely not the dump of the internet

Everyone here recycles. :)
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My girlfriend dumped me over my love for pasta

And now I'm feeling canaloni
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What's the worst part about dumping a Japanese girl?

You gotta drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.

While my roommate was sleeping, I dumped chess pieces on his head.

You should have seen the rook on his face.
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Haven't taken a dump in 4 days and I feel fine.

Then again, I could just be full of shit.

Why did the banker dump his girlfriend?

He lost interest.
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Why did the girl dump the crossdresser?

He only wanted to get into her pants.
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Why do people browse r/jokes while they take a dump?

For shits and giggles

What does the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend

Flush

I heard this from my 11 year old cousin, the look on his mom's face after he told me this made my day.
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When you have a food baby and need to take a dump

Are you allowed to say it's crowning
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My extraterrestrial girlfriend dumped me

now she’s my Spacex
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A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.

When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.

She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.

Fina...
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A woman goes to dump her dads ashes in the ocean to fulfill his wishes.

When she tries to pour the ashes into the ocean, the wind blows the ash back into her eyes.


She hears her dad say "Whats wrong, you cant sea?"
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How can you tell if your mime girlfriend wants to dump you?

She will show you the door.
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A guy dumped his girlfriend for a keyboard.

She just wasn't his type.
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Two wives go on a girl’s night out and they have to stop to take a dump on the way home.

All the shops and restaurants are closed and there’s nowhere they can go in their busy city. The only bit of grassland they can find nearby is the local church cemetery.


After they’ve both gone in the corner of the cemetery, they realise they have nothing to wipe with. One uses her pantie...
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A husband on a work trip when decides to call his wife at home...

A woman the husband doesn't recognize picks up the phone.

"Who is this?" asks the husband.

"I'm the maid. I was hired yesterday," says the maid.

"Ah. Could you put my wife on the phone?" asks the husband

"No, she's busy having sex with someone in the room upstairs," repli...

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I got dumped by a blind lady.

I knew she was full of shit when she said that she wanted to see other people.

My grandfather told me this one not long before he died

A man is in his boat out on the lake with a bucket full of fish that he had just caught. A wildlife officer spots him and pulls his boat up alongside. Seeing the bucket of fish in the man's boat, the wildlife officer asks to see his fishing license.

The man tells the officer that he doesn't n...
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I walked in on Jack Bauer taking a dump

And apparently even that's top secret with him 'cause they had me in the polygraph within minutes, but I beat it.

I could truthfully tell them I saw Jack shit.

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An elephant and a bunny are sitting in the forest, taking a dump

"Say bunny", asks the elephant. "Dosen't it bother you when shit gets on your fur?".
"No, not at all" the bunny answers.
So the elephant grabs the bunny and wipes his ass with it.

Greg Abbott and Joe Biden are having a meeting when suddenly a genie appears

"OK, look, here's how it's going to go. I can only grant three wishes, so one of you will get two and the other will only get one. And since you're already men of power and means, you have to choose wishes that will serve your constituents."

Abbott immediately screams that he wants the two...
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My ex dumped me because I never repaid her for the deodorant she bought me.

I odour a lot of money.
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A guy recently got dumped by his girlfriend...

He also lost his job and has no money. He decides to go to the bar to forget his problems. When he gets there there are two other guys sitting at the bar. One of them notices that the guy is sad, and walks over to him.

"Hey man, whats got you down?" the man says

"I lost my job and my ...

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I want sex that feels as good as taking a dump....

It last half an hour, my legs are numb, and I can still browse Reddit.

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I just went to the toilet and took a huge dump...

I think I lost like one-turd of my weight.

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I've been dumped by my girlfriend...

She found me creepy as I always had to have a name for my penis, oh well, guess I'll have to take Matters into my own hands now.

Someone's been secretly dumping top soil on my lawn...

The plot thickens...
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I’m taking a dump in the Vatican toilets.

I guess that counts as a holy shit.

If you're down in the dumps and feeling really depressed, drink a gallon of water before going to bed.

It will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
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A guy is taking a dump in a public bathroom...

When suddenly, he hears "Hello" from the next stall,

He replies "Hello?"

Another question follows up "How are you?"

Still confused, he replies "Fine, thanks"

"What are you doing?"

"Um, I'm in a toilet, what do you think?"

After a brief second, there's anothe...

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I dumped my girlfriend last week because she had really bad breath.

With hindsight though I'm really missing those 10 blowjobs a day.

I once saw a German Shepherd taking a dump on my front garden.

Then his dog came along.
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What do you call a baby dump truck?

A dumpling!

Made up by my 8 year old son.
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If you take a dump in a stump…

does it become a toiletry?
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A New Yorker, a Nebraskan, a Georgian, and a Floridian were driving to Vegas...

After a few hours in the car, the Nebraskan suddenly rolls down his window, opens his bag, and starts chucking corn out the window.

"What are you doing that for?", the others exclaim.

"Back in Nebraska, everywhere I look I see corn. I'm going on vacation and I don't want to see any cor...
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