Difference between Trump and a dump truck?

Four Goodyears.

My girlfriend dumped me for an indian

At least I know he's going to treat her good, I heard they worship cows

How does the king win at poker every time he takes a dump?

With a royal flush

My girlfriend of two years dumped me on her birthday. I dont know why she was so mad, I got her EXACTLY what she asked for; 10 cents and a bell...

...upon further reflection, I may have misunderstood "a dime and ring", my bad.

I once dumped a cross-eyed chick.

Thought she was seeing someone else.

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old,...

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What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass.

What does a cannibal do after dumping his gf?

Wipe his ass

Someone's been secretly dumping top soil on my lawn...

The plot thickens...

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I got dumped by a blind lady.

I knew she was full of shit when she said that she wanted to see other people.

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I recently fucked my best friend after my girlfriend dumped me.

I don’t know wtf I was doing fucking a guy but I obviously wasn’t thinking straight

My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games

What a ridiculous thing to fallout 4

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A guy recently got dumped by his girlfriend...

He also lost his job and has no money. He decides to go to the bar to forget his problems. When he gets there there are two other guys sitting at the bar. One of them notices that the guy is sad, and walks over to him.

"Hey man, whats got you down?" the man says

"I lost my job and my ...

Cop: Sir, this is a park! Why are you dumping all your trash here?

Me: Officer, did you read the sign? It says “Fine for Littering”

My girlfriend dumped me. Says I'm too hung up on getting revenge on people.

We'll see about that.

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My buddy just said: "I really don't get this toilet paper thing. I mean, how could they even eat so much, that it'd be necessary to take that many dumps?"

I replied: "Yeah, I know, goddamned wankers"

Every day after waking up, I find that someone dumped a bunch of LEGOs on my front porch.

I don’t know what to make of it.

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Why do people browse r/jokes while they take a dump?

For shits and giggles

I’ve been killing rich parents, throwing spiders at nerdy teens, dumping acid on kids, and calling disabled people mutants.

I haven’t created a superhero yet, but it better happen soon because I need to be stopped.

My extraterrestrial girlfriend dumped me

now she’s my Spacex

A lady dies and goes to heaven.

When she gets there, she is confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.

She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of blueberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.

Finally, she sees som...

I moved her panties to the side as I dumped my huge load of white...

clothes into the washing machine.

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A bear and a rabbit were strolling through the forest…

… when suddenly they realize that they both need to take a dump. So they sit beside each other and do their business. As they are finishing, the bear looks down at the rabbit and asks: “Does shit cling to your fur?”. The rabbit, confused, looks up at the bear and answers “no”. “Great” says the bear,...

President Xi doesnt take a dump..

He has a Pooh!

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An elephant and a bunny are sitting in the forest, taking a dump

"Say bunny", asks the elephant. "Dosen't it bother you when shit gets on your fur?".
"No, not at all" the bunny answers.
So the elephant grabs the bunny and wipes his ass with it.

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One day, a girl comes home crying, upset that her boyfriend had just dumped her.

Devastated, she starts trashing the place, smashing pictures of her ex-boyfriend and knocking things off shelves, rampaging from room to room. In her mother’s bedroom she rips down the curtains, jumps on the bed and smashes some mirrors. She finally calms down enough to notice that a small secret dr...

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Mr. Johnson walks into a doctor's office and says to the doctor, "My penis has turned orange."

The doctor asks to see his penis, and sure enough, Mr. Johnson's penis is as orange as a carrot.

"What's wrong with my penis?" asks Mr. Johnson.

"When someone's penis turns a strange colour," says the doctor, "it's usually because of stress. Have you lost your job recently?"

"Y...

New York has the most lawyers in the USA. New Jersey has the most toxic waste dumps in the USA. Why is this so?

New Jersey had first choice.

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My brother was dating a Japanese woman for a while but was dumped today.

You could say that he was disoriented

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I took a dump and then sprayed lemon-scented air freshener after

Now it smells like shit-rus

Civilians call it a bathroom

Civilians call it a bathroom, because they take baths in it,

The airforce calls it a lavatory, because they use it to freshen up,

The army calls it a latrine, because they use it to take a dump...

So why does the navy call it a head?

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Jeff was running late for a union meeting, and really needed to take a dump.

Finding the men's room clogged, he went up a floor in the auditorium, to find another bathroom. When he got up the stairs, he found a long hallway, leading to a door.

He opened the door, and found himself in a dimly lit attic.

His stomach gurgled, just as he spotted some light comin...

After my breakup I moved into a new place and bought a dalmatian. Every day I took that dog for a walk past our old place and, day after day, I trained him to pee in her flowerbed and take a dump on her lawn. . .

It was a classic case of Spot Marks the Ex!

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A man walks into a bar and says he'll drink anything that has gin in it

The Bartender decides he wants to impress the man with something creative. He grabs some cold-pressed mango juice from the refrigerator, squeezes in the juice from a small lemon, adds some ginger ale, and garnishes it with rosemary and an orange twist. Finally he adds the gin.

As the man fini...

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Anyone else watch the instructional video on how to take a good dump?

Best shit I've ever seen

My girlfriend dumped me so I stole her wheelchair

Guess who came crawling back

A Rabbi moves into a Christian neighborhood

Next Sunday, he watches his neighbors wash their cars. First neighbor takes a bucket of water and dumps it over his car's hood. Second neighbor takes a bucket of water and dumps it over his car's hood.

The Rabbi went into the shack, got his iron saw and cut off the tip of his car's exhaust pi...

I dumped my girlfriend after she falsely claimed Netflix was the cheapest streaming service.

I refuse to associate with a Hulu-cost denier.

About 15 years ago, my girlfriend dumped me on a tv show that ended up airing on tv.

This is very personal information to me guys, so whatever you do, don't watch "To Catch a Predator" episode 3.

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I may have just have broken the record for the largest dump

Sorry for the shitpost

My girlfriend dumped me for using straws, since they were bad for the environment.

So I guess you could say that was the last straw

I used to date my English teacher but she dumped me.

She didn't approve of my improper use of colon.

I had to dump 3 girls, now I'm dating a girl from the zoo.

I think she's a keeper.

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I took a dump in an elevator..

.. took that shit to the next level.

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So there’s this farm. On this farm, there’s a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

So there’s this farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the ...

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I’m taking a dump in the Vatican toilets.

I guess that counts as a holy shit.

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My girlfriend dumped me because I have a weird nickname for my penis.

I guess I have to take Matter into my own hands.

Kelloggs once had a cereal called 'Snatch'

You open it up, dump out the cereal and eat the box.

I once saw a German Shepherd taking a dump on my front garden.

Then his dog came along.

Everything was going great with me and my girlfriend until she told me she used to be a Christian. I wouldn't put up with it, so I dumped her.

Call me judgmental all you want, but I have only known her since she was Christine.

Someone keeps dumping soil all over my garden bed, and I don't know who's doing it

The plot thickens...

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So my mom took away all my weed the other day...

So I dumped the old bitch out of her wheelchair and marched off with it. Now neither of us will be rolling.

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A scottsman walks into a pub, looking down in the dumps.

The bartender looks up to see the miserable chap and asks him about his woes.

"Wanna know what's fucked up?" The man says with a sigh, "If you build three houses for the community, do people go 'oh, there goes McDonough: the homebuilder?' No, never. If you save five wee lads and lasses from a...

A redditor was walking down the street.

When suddenly, the nearby bank was robbed. He stood there in shock. "This blew up" he said, not noticing the bandits running towards him with gold bars.

The fleeing gang hadnt had where to go, so they dumped a bit of gold to our redditor, "Thanks for the gold, kind stranger" was all he said...

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A bear and a rabbit are taking a friendly stroll through the forest when they both have to take a dump

So they each go to find a tree. Afterwards, as they resume their walk, the bear asks

“Rabbit, do you ever have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?”

“Not at all” Rabbit says proudly.

So the bear wipes his butt with the rabbit a couple times and tosses him in a bush.

My girlfriend dumped me today saying I was too childish

But today is opposite day so it's all good

I just got dumped by a communist.

She said, "It's not you, it's we."

My wife told me she had to dump her ex boyfriend to get married to me.

They haven't found the body yet.

Ruth just dumped me. Told me I was too uptight. Well, now I'm

Ruthless.

My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.

She said she needs space.

Why did a girl dump his boyfriend when he revealed that he doesn’t have toes?

Because she was LACTOSE INTOLERANT

I can't help but feel sad after taking a dump

I always end up feeling so empty inside.

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A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, just dumped into a taxi in New York City.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman, but made no attempt to start the cab.
The woman glared back at him and said "What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you seen a naked woman before?"

The old Jewish guy slowly answered "Let me tell you sum...

What happens when a policeman takes a dump at the end of his shift?

He is relieved from doodie.

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Never trust someone who really needs to take a dump

They're full of shit

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My friend’s girlfriend dumped him and is telling everyone he has a small penis.

He claims he wasn’t that much into her anyways.

My girlfriend told me if I didn't stop singing "I'm a believer" by smash mouth she would dump me...

I thought she was joking
But then i saw her face

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A Hunter's Resilience

Two deer hunters had decided to go hunting on opening day of the season. They had left in the afternoon because both had day jobs and could not get time off.

About halfway to their turn-off they see a sign that reads, "Aunt Gracy's Diner, Next Exit". They were ahead of schedule, so both agree...

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One day Fred is sitting at his desk when he hears a voice in his head say "Quit your job, dump your fiance, sell your house and take all your money to Las Vegas."

Fred ignores the voice and goes back to work. Later that night he hears the voice again say "Quit your job, dump your fiance, sell your house and take all your money to Las Vegas." which he thinks about for a moment, then dismisses.

As the weeks went on, Fred started hearing the voice more an...

A vet, a banker and a barber walk into a bar.

After a few drinks the banker gloomily says:

“although business has been booming most of the funds have beent going to my cats medication, sadly Bartholomew got run over by a blue honda; i wish i could of seen the driver and give him what he desreves”

With the drinks opening them up t...

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old homophobic joke

Two men are camping when one of them goes into the bushes to take a dump and gets bitten on his penis by a snake. He runs to his buddy for help. His buddy consults their first aid book to see what he can do to help his friend, and the book says to cut a small x-shaped incision where the snakebite ...

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I just went to the toilet and took a huge dump...

I think I lost like one-turd of my weight.

I jokingly told my friend I was collecting the corpses of past emperors of Russia and dumping them into a giant ravine, but he thought I was serious and asked what was wrong with me.

I guess he just doesn't understand tsar chasm.

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A truck driver gets really screwed over by his lawyer during his divorce.

He becomes so sour about it that every time he sees a lawyer on the street while driving his truck, he screams "LAWYER!" and swerves onto the sidewalk to run him over.

One day he's driving and he sees a nun with her thumb out asking for a ride, so he pulls over and lets her in.

They're...

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I guy walks in to a bar. Has a story to tell.

He's sat at his local, looking kind of miserable. The barman says "Hey, how ya doin'? You don't look so good ...". The guy replies "Last night ... Last night was the worst night of my life."

"Oh really?" says the barkeep, "How bad can it be?"

So the guy tells his story:

...

I decided to ruin my friend’s proposal to someone else, so here’s what happened

I think the title sounds worse than it really is. My (24M) best friend (24M) Hugh was planning to propose to his girlfriend Samantha (25F) by recreating some of the moments from their early dates. This included watching the Pixar movie Up and going rock climbing at an indoor gym, among other things....

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What do you call it when you and your friends all take a dump at the same time

Gang shit

Three men found a genie lamp that grants the opposite of what is wished

The first man wishes that he would win the lottery. He buys his first ticket, and loses, buys his second ticket, and loses. Every week the man dumped his savings into lottery tickets, until he was completely broke.

The second man wishes for a healthy and long life. He decides to abuse his wis...

There was once a tailor in London renowned for his expertise and craftsmanship.

One day, a very rich, very round man entered his store carrying a heavy bag. The man immediately approached the counter and, much to the surprise of the tailor, dumped out the contents of the bag, which turned out to be a pile of expensive Rolex watches.

“Good sir, I would like to have a suit...

Do you know what Aquaman says when he gets dumped?

There's plenty of fish in the sea.

Why did Selena Gomez dump The Weeknd on a Monday?

She wished The Weeknd was longer.

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I want sex that feels as good as taking a dump....

It last half an hour, my legs are numb, and I can still browse Reddit.

My new girlfriend dumped me when she found out I was missing a toe

Apparently she's lactose intolerant.

I was taking a dump and suddenly got stuck in the toilet and couldn't get out.

That was the worst experience I ever had at a Home Depot.

I dumped my girlfriend when she said she had the banner of the USSR on her wall.

It's a huge red flag.

Did you hear about the chef that threw salt in a customer's eyes, followed by dumping a bowl of batter over his head?

He got charged with a salt and battering

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A guy is taking a dump in a public bathroom...

When suddenly, he hears "Hello" from the next stall,

He replies "Hello?"

Another question follows up "How are you?"

Still confused, he replies "Fine, thanks"

"What are you doing?"

"Um, I'm in a toilet, what do you think?"

After a brief second, there's anothe...

My girlfriend dumped me because I was obsessed with my job as a cashier.

I said, "Would you like your receipt in case you change your mind?"

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hey guys isn't a royal flush when you take a dump in a castle?

sorry for the shitty joke

My girlfriend dumped me because I'm unorganised.

So she packed my suitcase and I left.

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