UPJOKE
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Dump Jokes

what did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend

he wiped his ass

My girlfriend just dumped me because of my gambling addiction.

But I know I can win her back.

My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back?

My cousin's cross eyed girlfriend dumped him

We have a feeling she was seeing someone on the side

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My girlfriend just dumped me.

She said in a teary tirade:

“I can’t take your shit any more. You’re such a pedant. Everything I do is wrong. I loved you so much, but it’ll never be enough for you. I’m leaving now. Me and Gary are driving up north through the night and then you’ll never hear from me again”

She was a...

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My neighbor called me to complain that my oxen was taking a dump in his backyard.

I said that's bullshit

I dumped my last girlfriend because she was a communist.

I should've known sooner. There were red flags everywhere.

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I’ll never forget that time I took a dump in an elevator.

I took that shit to a whole new level.

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One day in the Garden of Eden God notices that Adam looks down in the dumps

"What's up Adam?" says God.
"Not to be ungrateful God, it's great here and everything but I'm lonely all on my own," replies Adam.
God thinks for a moment and says, "I know what, for a small price I'll create a woman for you and then you won't be lonely any more."
"A woman," says Adam...

My vegan girlfriend dumped me. The other day I bit into a vegan sandwich and cried.

Not because I missed her but because it was vegan.

Greg Abbott and Joe Biden are having a meeting when suddenly a genie appears

"OK, look, here's how it's going to go. I can only grant three wishes, so one of you will get two and the other will only get one. And since you're already men of power and means, you have to choose wishes that will serve your constituents."

Abbott immediately screams that he wants the two...

My lawyer dumped me after I said I hated U2.

He was working under a Pro Bono agreement.

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One day, Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the forest ...

And she sees a wolf sitting under a tree with its ears erect and his mouth stretched in a big toothy grin.

She says to the wolf, "My, what big ears you have!"

The wolf just grins and looks a bit wild about the eyes.

She says, "My, what big eyes you have!"

The wolf gri...

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What did the grandpa say when his grandchild took a dump in the water well?

Well shit

I just got dumped by my cross-eyed girlfriend

She said she wasn’t looking forward to see me.

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The Barber (long)

A man was getting a haircut prior to taking a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded,

“Why would you want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty — and full of Italians! You’re crazy to go to Rome!

“So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking United,” w...

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I always feel like a better person after taking a dump…

because I know I am no longer full of shit.

I was recently dumped by a girl that has a lisp.

I've just received a text from her saying: "Was thinking of you when I bought some highly alcoholic green liquid."

Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.

My girlfriend wants to dump me -- she says I'm too vindictive

We'll see about that.

A guy is camping and finds his buddy standing over an outhouse toilet about to drop a $50 bill down the hole.

“What on earth are you doing?” he asks his buddy.

His friend replies “I was taking a dump and a $10 bill fell out of my pocket and went down the hole…… and I sure as hell ain’t going down there for ten bucks”.

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NSFW: Bear and Rabbit are taking a dump in the woods.

Bear asks Rabbit "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"

Rabbit says no.

So Bear picks Rabbit up and wipes his ass with him.

girls don't like boys who are punctual..

once this girl dumped me because i came early

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After the safety talk in the airplane the pilot forgets to turn off the microphone... He turns to his copilot and says: "I'm gonna take a dump and then I'm gonna fuck that smoking hot stewardess."

When the stewardess realizes what's going on she starts to sprint to the front to warn the pilot that his mic is still on but trips and falls. A passenger turns to her and says: "Calm down, he's taking a dump first."

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It's Valentine's Day in the United States, and I'd just like everyone to know my girlfriend has giant, fake tits, and a huge fake dump truck.

In fact, pretty much everything on her is fake, including her existence.

Happy Single's Awareness Day, Reddit.

My girlfriend dumped me after my grandma had a stroke last night.

She said it was disgusting to let my grandma touch me like that.

My girlfriend just dumped me

She got mad because of “the way I spend my money on myself”

But the thing is, I bought her presents every week, took her on trips, spent literally thousands on her in this relationship, and just this one time, I spend literally just a $100 on a hooker, she gets all mad and dumps me…

A 16-year-old boy passes his driver's test and gets his license.

He says to his father, "Dad, I've got my license now, and I want the keys to the car."

"You're not getting the keys to the car. Before you get the keys, I want three things from you. I want you to cut your hair, I want you to dump your loser friends, and I want you to start going to church ag...

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Why is the vagina located so close to the anus?

Because it was designed by city council. Who else would put a play area so close to a dumping ground?

A salesman was looking for a house to sell his vacuum cleaner in a new territory

He found the first house and knocked at it's door


A woman answered the knock but before she could say anything,the man rushed into the house and dumped a pile of garbage there


"Ma'am" the man said in his best salespitch "if this vacuum cleaner doesn't work wonders in cleaning u...

Elon Musk has announced a new recipe for chicken soup

First you boil the chicken in water and then you dump the stock.

A man was dumping toxic waste into a river.

Suddenly, the sky darkened, lightning flashed, and a glowing woman appeared, hovering above the river.

**"For your crimes, I curse you to only speak in words related to water!",** she intoned, and then vanished in another flash of lightning.

The man stood, shocked, before gathering his...

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I dumped a girl right after she took me to her home and showed me all her Nazi pride memorabilia

There were a lot of red flags

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If someone says you have a dump truck ass

They’re telling you you need a CDL for that BBL

What do you call it when you dump a basket full of pens?

A pendemic.

My girlfriend of two years dumped me on her birthday. I dont know why she was so mad, I got her EXACTLY what she asked for; 10 cents and a bell. ..

...upon further‍ reflection, I may own misunderstood "a dime and ring", my bad.

I bought the love of my life some fish from Washington, but she dumped me immediately afterwards.

Oh well, there's plenty more fish in DC.

Pearly Gates Pontiff

The Pope died and went to heaven, where he was greeted by St. Peter. “Welcome,” St. Peter said, “let me show you around.”

St. Peter showed the Pope the streets of gold, choirs of angels, and so many wonderful things. At last, they came to a verdant meadow with a quaint cottage overlooking a l...

A woman goes to dump her dads ashes in the ocean to fulfill his wishes.

When she tries to pour the ashes into the ocean, the wind blows the ash back into her eyes.


She hears her dad say "Whats wrong, you cant sea?"

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I wanted to dump my girlfriend in hydrochloric acid...

But that basic bitch neutralized the situation.

Let's discuss spam, spammers, and the spamming spammers who spam.

What did the moderator say to the subscribers?

Nobody knows, because nobody ever reads what moderators write.

------

Yes, it was a bad joke, but at least it wasn't a repost... which is *kind of* what we're here to discuss today:

As many of you are no doubt aware, spammers...

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Memory problems

My dad’s getting old. He has trouble remembering where he left his keys, sometimes stumbles over finding words.

But weirdly he can remember in graphic detail every dump he’s ever taken.

He has a crap memory.

LPT: Stay hydrated and dump your old bong water

SLPT: Do that in one action

Two wives go on a girl’s night out and they have to stop to take a dump on the way home.

All the shops and restaurants are closed and there’s nowhere they can go in their busy city. The only bit of grassland they can find nearby is the local church cemetery.


After they’ve both gone in the corner of the cemetery, they realise they have nothing to wipe with. One uses her pantie...

A man had a rare birth defect where both his eyes were on the side of his head. Despite this he found love, but she soon dumped him.

When asked why she left him she said "he couldnt stop seeing other women on the side"

Difference between Trump and a dump truck?

Four Goodyears.

Did you hear about the chef that threw salt in a person's eyes, followed by dumping a bowl of batter over his head?

He was charged with a salt and battering

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Bear and Rabbit

A bear and a rabbit were taking a dump in the forest, and the bear turned to the rabbit and said, we eat a lot of the same things, I'm curious, does shit stick to your fur? The rabbit replied, the one good thing about being so fluffy is shit never sticks to my fur. With that the bear promptly picked...

Reddit is definitely not the dump of the internet

Everyone here recycles. :)

My ex dumped me because I never repaid her for the deodorant she bought me.

I odour a lot of money.

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I recently fucked my best friend after my girlfriend dumped me.

I don’t know wtf I was doing fucking a guy but I obviously wasn’t thinking straight

While my roommate was sleeping, I dumped chess pieces on his head.

You should have seen the rook on his face.

If you're down in the dumps and feeling really depressed, drink a gallon of water before going to bed.

It will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

What does the UK economy and dead pigs have in common?

The Tories love using both for their pump and dump schemes

My girlfriend dumped me for an indian

At least I know he's going to treat her good, I heard they worship cows

I'm feeling down in the dumps...

Looks like she's been eating the duvet again

A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.

When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.

She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.

Fina...

My girlfriend, Lorraine, dumped me when she found out I was cheating on her with her fit friend, Claire Lee

Good news, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.

My girlfriend dumped me today saying I was too childish

But today is opposite day so it's all good

My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games

What a ridiculous thing to fallout 4

My girlfriend told me if I didn't stop singing "I'm a believer" by smash mouth she would dump me...

I thought she was joking
But then i saw her face

My kid just took a dump in the bath

I didn't know he had it in him.

How can you tell if your mime girlfriend wants to dump you?

She will show you the door.

What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?

A washing machine doesn't follow you around after you dump a few loads in it.

Got dumped on Halloween…

Well at least she didn’t ghost me

When you have a food baby and need to take a dump

Are you allowed to say it's crowning

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A runner walks into a bar

An ultra runner jogs into a bar and orders a beer. She reaches into her sweaty sports bra and pulls out a sweaty crumpled $5 bill to pay. The bartender gingerly picks up the damp bill with a pair of tongs and dumps it in a bucket. "You realize every time I get money with bodily fluids on them I have...

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One day, a girl comes home crying, upset that her boyfriend had just dumped her.

Devastated, she starts trashing the place, smashing pictures of her ex-boyfriend and knocking things off shelves, rampaging from room to room. In her mother’s bedroom she rips down the curtains, jumps on the bed and smashes some mirrors. She finally calms down enough to notice that a small secret dr...

A child psychologist had twin boys

one was an optimist; the other, a pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist’s room with toys and games.

In the optimist’s room, he dumped a pile of horse droppings. That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying. “What’s wr...

I’ve been killing rich parents, throwing spiders at nerdy teens, dumping acid on kids, and calling disabled people mutants.

I haven’t created a superhero yet, but it better happen soon because I need to be stopped.

I need to get a new friend

I’ve been trying to develop a website on my laptop but needed help as I only know basic coding. I asked my friend, a computer programmer, for advice and he told me to get Python

After about a week, the snake arrived. It then proceeded to wrap itself around the computer now it doesn’t work at ...

I jokingly told my friend I was collecting the corpses of past emperors of Russia and dumping them into a giant ravine, but he thought I was serious and asked what was wrong with me.

I guess he just doesn't understand tsar chasm.

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Three Hunters.

Three hunters, Bill, Eric, and Justin were going deer hunting, but they were having no luck. Bill says he needs to take a dump. He gets up and wanders away to find a log. While he was gone, Eric shot a deer. They skinned it. Bill didn't come back. They cleaned it. Bill **still** didn't come back. So...

I dumped my girlfriend after she falsely claimed Netflix was the cheapest streaming service.

I refuse to associate with a Hulu-cost denier.

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Why do people browse r/jokes while they take a dump?

For shits and giggles

A guy dumped his girlfriend for a keyboard.

She just wasn't his type.

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A hillbilly is taking a dump in the outhouse when a dollar bill falls out his pocket and down into the hole.

A hillbilly is taking a dump in the outhouse when a dollar bill falls out his pocket and down into the hole full of sewage.

He starts cursing and storms out of the outhouse.

His buddy looks at him and asks “what’s wrong? What happened??”

“Well I was in there taking a dump and ...

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An elephant and a bunny are sitting in the forest, taking a dump

"Say bunny", asks the elephant. "Dosen't it bother you when shit gets on your fur?".
"No, not at all" the bunny answers.
So the elephant grabs the bunny and wipes his ass with it.

President Xi doesnt take a dump..

He has a Pooh!

Why did the girl dump the crossdresser?

He only wanted to get into her pants.

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My friend’s girlfriend dumped him and is telling everyone he has a small penis.

He claims he wasn’t that much into her anyways.

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I dumped my girlfriend last week because she had really bad breath.

With hindsight though I'm really missing those 10 blowjobs a day.

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I got dumped by a blind lady.

I knew she was full of shit when she said that she wanted to see other people.

My girlfriend dumped me because I'm unorganised.

So she packed my suitcase and I left.

I need jokes!!!

I come here needing all of your help!!!

I have a close friend who recently discovered he has cancer. He has been down in the dumps the last few days, so i cracked a cancer joke and it instantly made his day. I told him i will have a cancer joke everyday for him.

So i need you all t...

I used to go out with an English-language teacher, but she dumped me.

She didn't like my improper use of the colon.

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I just went to the toilet and took a huge dump...

I think I lost like one-turd of my weight.

I once saw a German Shepherd taking a dump on my front garden.

Then his dog came along.

New York has the most lawyers in the USA. New Jersey has the most toxic waste dumps in the USA. Why is this so?

New Jersey had first choice.

You want to know how to catch a bear?

First you dig a big hole, then you place peas all around the rim. After that you dump wood ash in the bottom of the hole.

Now, when a bear comes to take a pea you kick them in the ash hole.

Every day after waking up, I find that someone dumped a bunch of LEGOs on my front porch.

I don’t know what to make of it.

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Jeff was running late for a union meeting, and really needed to take a dump.

Finding the men's room clogged, he went up a floor in the auditorium, to find another bathroom. When he got up the stairs, he found a long hallway, leading to a door.

He opened the door, and found himself in a dimly lit attic.

His stomach gurgled, just as he spotted some light comin...

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I walked in on Jack Bauer taking a dump

And apparently even that's top secret with him 'cause they had me in the polygraph within minutes, but I beat it.

I could truthfully tell them I saw Jack shit.

A Scrabble game got dumped all over the interstate highway.

That's the word on the street at least.

A stash of cannabis plants has been dumped in a local Estuary and local seabirds have been seen feeding nearby.

Bird welfare groups are investigating and they say no tern has been left un-stoned!!..

My girlfriend made me drive out more than 33 miles just so she could dump me on live tv.

Then her bf Chris Hansen humiliated me.

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I want sex that feels as good as taking a dump....

It last half an hour, my legs are numb, and I can still browse Reddit.

I once dumped a cross-eyed chick.

Thought she was seeing someone else.

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A bear and a rabbit are taking a friendly stroll through the forest when they both have to take a dump

So they each go to find a tree. Afterwards, as they resume their walk, the bear asks

“Rabbit, do you ever have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?”

“Not at all” Rabbit says proudly.

So the bear wipes his butt with the rabbit a couple times and tosses him in a bush.

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