Reddit is definitely not the dump of the internet

Everyone here recycles. :)

A woman goes to dump her dads ashes in the ocean to fulfill his wishes.

When she tries to pour the ashes into the ocean, the wind blows the ash back into her eyes.


She hears her dad say "Whats wrong, you cant sea?"

Got dumped on Halloween…

Well at least she didn’t ghost me

My girlfriend dumped me.

I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back.

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After the safety talk in the airplane the pilot forgets to turn off the microphone... He turns to his copilot and says: "I'm gonna take a dump and then I'm gonna fuck that smoking hot stewardess."

When the stewardess realizes what's going on she starts to sprint to the front to warn the pilot that his mic is still on but trips and falls. A passenger turns to her and says: "Calm down, he's taking a dump first."

My girlfriend dumped me after my grandma had a stroke last night.

She said it was disgusting to let my grandma touch me like that.

I bought the love of my life some fish from Washington, but she dumped me immediately afterwards.

Oh well, there's plenty more fish in DC.

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I dumped a girl right after she took me to her home and showed me all her Nazi pride memorabilia

There were a lot of red flags

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What would a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

He might wipe his butt.

My kid just took a dump in the bath

I didn't know he had it in him.

A man was dumping toxic waste into a river.

Suddenly, the sky darkened, lightning flashed, and a glowing woman appeared, hovering above the river.

**"For your crimes, I curse you to only speak in words related to water!",** she intoned, and then vanished in another flash of lightning.

The man stood, shocked, before gathering his...

While my roommate was sleeping, I dumped chess pieces on his head.

You should have seen the rook on his face.

My girlfriend, Lorraine, dumped me when she found out I was cheating on her with her fit friend, Claire Lee

Good news, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.

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The lion gathered the whole jungle and said…

Who ever jumps from the top of that mountain gets to fuck my wife.
The lion then goes to the bottom of the mountain and patiently waits.
1 hour goes by
2 hours go by
Then suddenly, the lion hears a scream.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAA” *Dump*
A bear lands on the floor frantically gets up and ...

How can you tell if your mime girlfriend wants to dump you?

She will show you the door.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

He wiped his bum.

Hey, have you heard of the person who got dumped over playing too much video games?

That's such a trivial thing to Fallout 4.

The court jester decided to play a prank

So he got a bucket of coal dust from the blacksmith and rigged it over a doorway.

Soon enough Sir Lancelot walks up in his shiniest silver armor. He'd spent the entire morning polishing it to a mirror finish. As soon as he walks through the doorway, a trip wire dumps the bucket of coal dust ...

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In the days of the old USSR an American and a Russian are arguing over who has the most freedom

The American starts by saying, “If I wanted to I could undo my zipper and take a piss in the middle of the day right on the front of the Statue of Liberty.” The Russian replies, “That’s nothing. In mother Russia I could go to Moscow, drop my pants and take a dump right in the middle of Red Square.”<...

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I recently fucked my best friend after my girlfriend dumped me.

I don’t know wtf I was doing fucking a guy but I obviously wasn’t thinking straight

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Helpful Friend

A young man was planning to marry his high-school sweetheart. But he was shy and had never had sex with her or any other girl for that matter, so he was nervous about his wedding night.
He had a friend who had a reputation of being a lady’s man and a known track record of bedding more than his sh...

The bathroom where I work is so small.

I can easily reach the sink whilst sitting on the toilet. In fact, I save precious time by washing my hands at the same time as taking a dump, leaving me free to simply wipe and get straight back to work in the kitchen

Why did the girl dump the crossdresser?

He only wanted to get into her pants.

A guy dumped his girlfriend for a keyboard.

She just wasn't his type.

Difference between Trump and a dump truck?

Four Goodyears.

My girlfriend dumped me for an indian

At least I know he's going to treat her good, I heard they worship cows

What do pirates say when they need to take a dump?

Unleash the krappen

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I dumped my girlfriend last week because she had really bad breath.

With hindsight though I'm really missing those 10 blowjobs a day.

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, th...

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A hillbilly is taking a dump in the outhouse when a dollar bill falls out his pocket and down into the hole.

A hillbilly is taking a dump in the outhouse when a dollar bill falls out his pocket and down into the hole full of sewage.

He starts cursing and storms out of the outhouse.

His buddy looks at him and asks “what’s wrong? What happened??”

“Well I was in there taking a dump and ...

Want to know how to scare burglars off?

First: Put pictures of a tiger all around your house.

Second: Put a cat litter tray in your hallway and take a dump in it.

A stash of cannabis plants has been dumped in a local Estuary and local seabirds have been seen feeding nearby.

Bird welfare groups are investigating and they say no tern has been left un-stoned!!..

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The Canoe

Two plump women were leaving a bar after a night of some heavy drinking. The full moon shone in a cloudless sky. They had gone a few blocks and were about to cross a small bridge when one of them said she needed to take a dump.

"It's only a few more blocks, you can hold it."

"No I can'...

What do you call an all male identifying, church choir?

The He/Hymns



Ba dump

I’ve been killing rich parents, throwing spiders at nerdy teens, dumping acid on kids, and calling disabled people mutants.

I haven’t created a superhero yet, but it better happen soon because I need to be stopped.

What do you call a small protest against dumping trash in North Carolina’s capital?

A little Raleigh Litter Rally — literally!

Why did the oyster get dumped by his girlfriend?

He’s shellfish

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Simple Economics

SOCIALISMYou have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISMYou hav...

My girlfriend dumped me today saying I was too childish

But today is opposite day so it's all good

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Why do people browse r/jokes while they take a dump?

For shits and giggles

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Keeping your horse satisfied.

A rag and bone man decides the streets of London aren't like the old days, so he decides to retire his cart and long time partner, his horse. He has invested long ago in a large acreage property in the country with lovely pastures and a barn for his horse.

When he breaks the news to the horse...

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I got dumped by a blind lady.

I knew she was full of shit when she said that she wanted to see other people.

My girlfriend dumped me. Says I'm too hung up on getting revenge on people.

We'll see about that.

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I walked in on Jack Bauer taking a dump

And apparently even that's top secret with him 'cause they had me in the polygraph within minutes, but I beat it.

I could truthfully tell them I saw Jack shit.

I once dumped a cross-eyed chick.

Thought she was seeing someone else.

I dumped my girlfriend after she falsely claimed Netflix was the cheapest streaming service.

I refuse to associate with a Hulu-cost denier.

How does the king win at poker every time he takes a dump?

With a royal flush

President Xi doesnt take a dump..

He has a Pooh!

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An elephant and a bunny are sitting in the forest, taking a dump

"Say bunny", asks the elephant. "Dosen't it bother you when shit gets on your fur?".
"No, not at all" the bunny answers.
So the elephant grabs the bunny and wipes his ass with it.

My girlfriend of two years dumped me on her birthday. I dont know why she was so mad, I got her EXACTLY what she asked for; 10 cents and a bell...

...upon further reflection, I may have misunderstood "a dime and ring", my bad.

My girlfriend told me if I didn't stop singing "I'm a believer" by smash mouth she would dump me...

I thought she was joking
But then i saw her face

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two guys traveling out west

One guy has to take a dump. Complains to other guy, but they can't find a rest area. Finally they see a port a pot on the side of the road. Guy runs in there but shouts "THERE'S NO TOILET PAPER!!" other guy shouts back "just use a dollar!!"

Guy comes out in a while and has crap smeared all o...

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One day, a girl comes home crying, upset that her boyfriend had just dumped her.

Devastated, she starts trashing the place, smashing pictures of her ex-boyfriend and knocking things off shelves, rampaging from room to room. In her mother’s bedroom she rips down the curtains, jumps on the bed and smashes some mirrors. She finally calms down enough to notice that a small secret dr...

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I used to sell vacuum cleaners door to door and do demonstrations by appointment. Seriously I did.

I had an appointment to demonstrate a machine at a home in a rural area. The house looked rough and as I walked to the door carrying all my demonstration equipment, a big mangy dog with a matted eye crowded me and followed me to the house.

I rang the bell and the lady let me in and the stupi...

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Here It Is! The Poopie list!

Ghost Poopie--The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie--The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie--The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unw...

New York has the most lawyers in the USA. New Jersey has the most toxic waste dumps in the USA. Why is this so?

New Jersey had first choice.

Someone's been secretly dumping top soil on my lawn...

The plot thickens...

Every day after waking up, I find that someone dumped a bunch of LEGOs on my front porch.

I don’t know what to make of it.

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My buddy just said: "I really don't get this toilet paper thing. I mean, how could they even eat so much, that it'd be necessary to take that many dumps?"

I replied: "Yeah, I know, goddamned wankers"

I jokingly told my friend I was collecting the corpses of past emperors of Russia and dumping them into a giant ravine, but he thought I was serious and asked what was wrong with me.

I guess he just doesn't understand tsar chasm.

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Salesmanship

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship. Little Sally led off, "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30." She said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civic ...

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A guy recently got dumped by his girlfriend...

He also lost his job and has no money. He decides to go to the bar to forget his problems. When he gets there there are two other guys sitting at the bar. One of them notices that the guy is sad, and walks over to him.

"Hey man, whats got you down?" the man says

"I lost my job and my ...

My extraterrestrial girlfriend dumped me

now she’s my Spacex

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My friend’s girlfriend dumped him and is telling everyone he has a small penis.

He claims he wasn’t that much into her anyways.

An American goes to a restaurant in Italy for breakfast.

After the meal he looks at the coffee menu and orders an Espresso Ristretto, because the name sounds good. The server brings him a tiny coffee cup with a little coffee at the bottom. The American takes the cup, dumps the content in his mouth, makes few slushing sounds with his tongue and says to t...

Sandbox games

The newlyweds and young parents in town discover that the fine sand in the nearby nature resort makes for excellent sandbox sand. So people go in to get a big cart of sand and make some cheap garden sandboxes for their children. The park rangers forbid this and nobody can steal sand anymore. This gu...

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Jeff was running late for a union meeting, and really needed to take a dump.

Finding the men's room clogged, he went up a floor in the auditorium, to find another bathroom. When he got up the stairs, he found a long hallway, leading to a door.

He opened the door, and found himself in a dimly lit attic.

His stomach gurgled, just as he spotted some light comin...

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An Irish Tale

The daughter of a poor Irish farmer had not been home for over five years. When she did return, her father cursed her heavily.

“Where have ye been all this while, lass? Why did ye run off and not write us, not even a line? Why? Can ye not understand the pains you've poor ol' mother through? A...

Cop: Sir, this is a park! Why are you dumping all your trash here?

Me: Officer, did you read the sign? It says “Fine for Littering”

After my breakup I moved into a new place and bought a dalmatian. Every day I took that dog for a walk past our old place and, day after day, I trained him to pee in her flowerbed and take a dump on her lawn. . .

It was a classic case of Spot Marks the Ex!

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My girlfriend dumped me because I have a weird nickname for my penis.

I guess I have to take Matter into my own hands.

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A guy needs to get some plumbing work done

He searches for plumbers, finds the team that seems to be fit for the job and calls them. Two men arrive at his house and take a good look around. Finally one of them says: "Okay, we got it, come back in 3 days, we should be done".
3 days later the guy comes back and sees that they seem to have...

I moved her panties to the side as I dumped my huge load of white...

clothes into the washing machine.

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A love story

A Love Story


Micro was a real time user and a dedicated multi-user. His broad-band protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices, even if it meant time sharing.

One evening Micro arrived home just as the sun was crashing. He had parked his Motorola ...

I once saw a German Shepherd taking a dump on my front garden.

Then his dog came along.

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My brother was dating a Japanese woman for a while but was dumped today.

You could say that he was disoriented

I used to go out with an English-language teacher, but she dumped me.

She didn't like my improper use of the colon.

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I took a dump in an elevator..

.. took that shit to the next level.

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I took a dump and then sprayed lemon-scented air freshener after

Now it smells like shit-rus

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Eve the beautiful fairy had the power to bring life to the world with her poop.

She had been wandering the forest near the king's palace for a good spot to take a nice dump, and she found one in a nice shapely pile of leaves. Once finished, she noticed the dead flowers around her bloom as if it were spring. Unbeknowst to our favourite fairy Eve, the poop itself came to life in ...

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A bear and a rabbit are taking a friendly stroll through the forest when they both have to take a dump

So they each go to find a tree. Afterwards, as they resume their walk, the bear asks

“Rabbit, do you ever have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?”

“Not at all” Rabbit says proudly.

So the bear wipes his butt with the rabbit a couple times and tosses him in a bush.

Not sure if pickup lines are appropriate here, but: Are you a top-heavy dump truck?

‘Cause you look unstable but I wanna drop my dirty load in you.

My girlfriend dumped me because I'm unorganised.

So she packed my suitcase and I left.

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I just went to the toilet and took a huge dump...

I think I lost like one-turd of my weight.

I had to dump 3 girls, now I'm dating a girl from the zoo.

I think she's a keeper.

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Two poor friends once went for a job interview

One was a scholar, the other was dumb. They came up with an idea for both to get into the job.

"I have an idea. I'll try and be ahead in the line and after they ask me the questions I'll tell you the answer after I get out."

"Okay friend I'll forever be grateful of you."

The int...

Doctor, I keep taking a dump at 6AM on the dot every morning.

Doctor: And what's the problem with that?
Me: I dont get up till 8:30.

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The Old Lady Who Makes Bets

A little old lady went into the headquarters of the Bank of America one day, carrying a large bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because "It's a lot of money!"



The receptionist objected, stating, "You can't just wa...

A child psychologist had twin boys—one was an optimist; the other, a pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist’s room with toys and games. In the optimist’s room, he dumped a pile of horse droppings.

That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying.

“What’s wrong?” the father asked.

“I have a ton of game manuals to read … I need batteries … and my toys will all eventually get broken!” sobbed the pessimist.

Passing the optimist’s room, the father fou...

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I may have just have broken the record for the largest dump

Sorry for the shitpost

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A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, just dumped into a taxi in New York City.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman, but made no attempt to start the cab.
The woman glared back at him and said "What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you seen a naked woman before?"

The old Jewish guy slowly answered "Let me tell you sum...

About 15 years ago, my girlfriend dumped me on a tv show that ended up airing on tv.

This is very personal information to me guys, so whatever you do, don't watch "To Catch a Predator" episode 3.

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Anyone else watch the instructional video on how to take a good dump?

Best shit I've ever seen

Overweight guy goes to the doctor for some weight control help

Doctor gives him an Rx for 100 diet pills with the following instructions

Every morning, dump the pills all over the floor and bend down to pick them up, one at a time..

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A guy named Dave is hanging out with his friend Steve at a bar

Dave is really down in the dumps so Steve asks him what’s up.

Dave: “My wife has been making me pay for sex!”

Steve: “Really? How much does she charge you?”

Dave: “$50 every time!”

Steve: “Wow, you’re lucky!”

Dave: “Lucky!? How could you say that!?”

Steve: ...

Why did a girl dump his boyfriend when he revealed that he doesn’t have toes?

Because she was LACTOSE INTOLERANT

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I’m taking a dump in the Vatican toilets.

I guess that counts as a holy shit.

A Scrabble game got dumped all over the interstate highway.

That's the word on the street at least.

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I want sex that feels as good as taking a dump....

It last half an hour, my legs are numb, and I can still browse Reddit.

My girlfriend dumped me for using straws, since they were bad for the environment.

So I guess you could say that was the last straw

Someone keeps dumping soil all over my garden bed, and I don't know who's doing it

The plot thickens...

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I never understood couples bragging about trying for kids.

You say "yea we have been trying for a child for months now"

I hear "Yea I've been doing HUGE Cum dumps in her pussy for Months. No luck yet"

My girlfriend made me drive out more than 33 miles just so she could dump me on live tv.

Then her bf Chris Hansen humiliated me.

My wife told me she had to dump her ex boyfriend to get married to me.

They haven't found the body yet.

Everything was going great with me and my girlfriend until she told me she used to be a Christian. I wouldn't put up with it, so I dumped her.

Call me judgmental all you want, but I have only known her since she was Christine.

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