How do you get a philosophy major off of your front porch?

Pay him for the pizza.

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail.

The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?

Every day after waking up, I find that someone dumped a bunch of LEGOs on my front porch.

I don’t know what to make of it.

A woman walked up to an elderly man rocking in a chair on his porch.

“I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long, happy life?”


“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whisky a week, eat fatty foods and never exercise.”


“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old a...

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3 women sitting on a porch

Three women were sitting on their porch in Alabama, one says "you know I call my husband Big Balls, cause he's got the biggest balls in all of Alabama " The other two chuckle. The second women smiles and says " Well I call my husband Big Dick, cause he's got the biggest dick in all of Alabama" again...

Best joke I have still ever overheard. Dad to his buddies while I’m 10 years old listening from the porch.

This guy walks into a bar with his briefcase in hand and he’s mad. He sits at the bar, puts his case down and orders a drink. The bartender serves him right up and asks the man what’s got him down.

The man gives a disappointed grin and tells the bartender that he can just show him. He opens ...

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An elderly couple are sitting on their porch.

The wife leans over and smacks her husband on the arm. The old man looks at his wife and asks, surprised, “What was that for?”
The wife says “That’s for the lousy sex for all those years.”
They both sit in silence for a bit, and then the husband leans over and smacks his wife on her arm. The...

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An old man was sitting on his porch

when he sees a boy ride his bike down the street with rolls of Duct tape hanging from the handle bars. Curious he asks the boy " Hey Boy, what ya doing with all that Duct Tape????" To which the boy responds " I'm going to catch me some DUCKS!" The old man doesn't think anything of it but than a few ...

Two communists are sitting on a porch in a nudist colony. One says "Have you read Marx" ?

The other says "Yes, I think it's these wicker chairs"

A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine.

The wife says, “I love you.” The husband says, “Is that you or the wine talking?”

The wife replies, “It’s me, talking to the wine.”

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An older gentleman is sitting on his porch one morning drinking his morning coffee

He lives across the street from a cemetery, and because he is retired he gets to see a lot of funeral processions go by as he drinks his coffee. However, todays procession was different than the others. There were two hearses with a man walking his dog behind the second hearse, and about 100 other m...

Two friends chatting on the front porch

Old joke I remember .. figured it would be appropriate on Valentine's day

Two friends are chatting on the front porch. A delivery truck pulls up and delivers a dozen roses to the woman who lives here. When the driver leaves, the woman starts crying.

"What's the matter dear? Why are ...

You want to end porch pirates ?

Then stop giving them cool names like porch pirates.

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After the death of her husband, a woman puts a sign on her front porch...

The sign states that any man who: 1. Will treat her nicely, 2. Won't leave her, and 3. Who is good in bed can stay with her. A few days later, the doorbell rings and she opens it to find a man in a wheelchair with no arms and legs. He says, "I'm here regarding the sign on your front porch. As you ca...

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

“Well, now,” says the old lady, “I guess I would like to be really, really rich.” ***POOF*** her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

She smiles and says, “Gee, I guess I wouldn’t mind being a young, beautiful princess.” ***POOF*** she turns into a beautiful young woman.

“Your third wish...

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An old man was sitting on his porch one morning when a boy walked up the road carrying a large roll of chicken wire.

“Hey, boy! What are you doing with all that chicken wire?”

“I’m gonna catch some chickens, sir.”

“You fool, you can’t catch no chickens with chicken wire.”

The boy smiled and walked off. That evening he came back dragging the chicken wire with at least a dozen chickens rolled up...

What's Irish and sits on the porch?

Paddy O'furniture

(Shanelessly stolen off a sign in College Station, TX)

A farmer was sitting on his porch late one evening.

He noticed his neighbor walking up his driveway carrying two of his chickens. His neighbor tells him that they were in his yard and they must have gotten out through a hole in the fence.

The neighbor tells the farmer that since it's so late that he will walk the fence line with him and help ...

A Scottish farmer is sitting on his front porch one day, resting after finishing his tasks with his dog at his feet.

A man in a suit approaches the farmer, greets him warmly, and the farmer greets him in turn. The man notices the dog lying at the farmer's feet and smiles at the pooch.

"Can I talk to your dog?" The man asks. The farmer gives him an odd look but shrugs.

"Dog don't talk, but whatever...

A guy goes door to door looking for work. One homeowner hands him a brush and a can of paint and offers him $150 to paint his porch.

A few hours later, the guy comes back to the homeowner and says, "I'm finished. But you should know that your car's a Ferrari, not a Porsche."

Someone stole my porch window , I called the police

They said they would look into it

What do you call a man standing on your front porch?

Mat

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Two hillbillys are sitting on the porch in rocking chairs.

The 1st hillbilly says "I'M BORED'....

So the second hillbilly says.. "I'll tell you whut....I'm gonna think of something... but I'm not gonna tell you what I'm thinkin...and then you get to ask me Three questions... then after three questions....you gotta guess what I'm thinkin'...."
...

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Does your dick touch your asshole?

A father and son are sitting on the porch and the father starts drinking a beer.

Son: "Hey Dad, can I try a sip of your beer?"

Father: "Tell me son... does your dick touch your asshole?"

Son: "No, it doesn't."

Father: "Then no, you can't have any."

The father finis...

A 17-year-old boy who works part time at Pizza Hut drives up to park in front of his house in a beautiful Porche

Naturally, his parents know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to buy such a car.
“Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad screamed in shock.

“I bought it today,” replied the teen calmly.

“With what money young man?” his mom demands. “We know how mu...

(My first joke)A cat kept taking a pee on the steps to my porch. So i call my father-in-law and ask him how to get rid of it,

He says "dig a 2 foot deep hole, fill it half way with ash. Get a can of pees and put some around the freshly dug hole. When the cat comes to take a pee, kick it in the ash-hole"

Go easy on me i loled when i was told this a few years back.

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Old man is sitting on his porch when he sees little johnny walking down the street with a wagon full of tape...

Old man is sitting on his porch when he sees little johnny walking down the street with a wagon full of tape. He thinks and then screams out, "HEY KID!!! WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH THAT DUCT TAPE?!!!".

Johnny responds back, "I'm going to go catch some ducks"

The man, puzzled says, "You c...

Life

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back...

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the
porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"


Delighted, the girl quickly responded,
"How about $50?"

...

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HAR...

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[NSFW] [Long] A man is sitting on his front porch when he notices two guys walking down the street holding duct tape.

He calls out to the men, "Hey what are you doing with that duct tape?" They respond, "Catching ducks." The old man rolls his eyes thinking there is no way they will catch anything. Later that afternoon the two men come by again with a couple of ducks.

The next day the old man sees the two guy...

An aging farmer decided it was time for his youngest son to start pulling his weight around the farm.

His older, strong-armed and favoured son, Jedediah worked hard every day, getting up extra early every morning to milk the cow before dutifully doing the rest of his chores.

The farmers delicious milk became very popular around the area with neighbours often walking miles in for a glass and ...

A dog lays in the yard and an old man in overalls sits on the porch. "Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" a jogger asks...

The old man looks over his newspaper and replies, "Nope."

As soon as the jogger enters the yard, the dog begins snarling and growling, and then attacks the jogger's legs.

As the jogger flails around in the yard, he yells, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"

The old man...

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So my grandpa was out in the porch having a smoke [long]

Me: can I have one of those?

Gramps: I don’t know, can your dick touch your asshole?

Me: uh, no

Gramps: well then you’re not a man, the answer is no

(Later that day while Gramps is having a beer)

Me: hey can I have one of those?

Gramps: I don’t know, can ...

Two old men were sitting on a porch

One looks at a dog licking its self just going to town and the old man says "i wish i could do that." The other old man looks at him and says "that dog would bite you"

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A retiree is sitting on his porch one afternoon, when little Johnny walks by...

...pulling his little red wagon, loaded with a whole bunch of wire, behind him.

"Hey Johnny, " calls the retiree. "Whatcha got in the wagon?"

"Chicken wire, " says little Johnny.

"Whatcha gonna do with that, Johnny?" asks the retiree.

"I'm gonna catch me some chickens!" s...

A man and his wife go into the delivery room to give birth. The doctor says, “we have this new machine, where by the flip of a switch, the father can bear some of the pain to ease the mother. Want to try?” The every supportive husband says “sure.”

So, the doctor sets it to 10% and asks the husband how he feels.

“Fine. You can turn it up.”

Surprised, the doctor goes to 20%.

“More. This is easy”

Soon enough, the doctor goes to 30%, then 40, 50, 60, all the way to 100%. “I’ve never gone past the 25% mark” says the d...

Jessica and Katie were sitting and chatting on Katie's porch one Friday afternoon...

Jessica looks down the road and can see Katie's husband headed their way, with a large bouquet of roses. Jessica says, "Katie, here comes your husband! And he's got a bunch of roses!" Katie responds, "Yeah, nice", unenthusiastically. Jessica is confused, she says, "I don't understand. Isn't getting ...

One morning, a man sat on his porch wondering why the sun hasn’t risen yet...

But then it dawned on him.

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What do you call a black man sitting on a porch?

Whatever his name is.

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An elderly couple are rocking on their front porch. NSFW

All of a sudden the old lady reaches over and smacks the old man right out of his rocking chair.
The old man slowly gets up gets back in his rocking chair, after rocking a few minutes more he turns the old woman and asks "What was that for?"
"For having such a small pecker all these years!" sh...

Little Audrey was sitting on the porch next to her little brother

She said, "Look, there's a quarter in the street!"

Her brother jumped up and ran into the street to get the money and was promptly squashed by a truck. And Lil Audrey just laughed and laughed, because she knew it was only a nickel.

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Does your dick touch your ass

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler.
the little boy asked,
"Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enoug...

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Why do you drive a Porche? (Long)

One day an elephant was walking in the woods when he fell into a hunter's pit. The elephant couldn't escape and started to call out for help, luckily there was a mouse nearby that heard him.

The mouse goes over to the elephant and asks, "What is wrong Mr. Elephant?"

"I fell into this ...

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Old timer sitting on his porch and saw a kid pass by carrying a duck tape

Old timer sitting on his porch and saw a kid pass by carrying a duct tape. Old timer asked the kid "hey son what are you going to do with that duct tape?" The boy said " im going to catch some ducks with it". Old timer said " you cant catch ducks with that". The boy said "watch me old man".

L...

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Two guys are sitting on the porch watching the dog lick his balls

Guy: Man, some days I really wish I could do that also.
Friend: You probably can, just make sure to pet him first

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.



The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explain...

Cerealsly amazing joke

Once upon a time, there was a Cheerio who wanted something to do with his life, because it sucked. He decided he wanted to marry someone. So, one day, he went to the town square and saw a beautiful Fruit Loop. He went up to her and tried to ask her out on a date, but before he could get any words ou...

A couple of years ago

one night I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the porch out of nowhere, tripped ,fell over and broke a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now I don't know Joseph that well, don't even remember where he was from if I'm honest, but lets say I pu...

bear on cabin

so a man wakes up and goes out to his porch, he freaks out because his sees a bear sitting on top of his cabin. he goes inside and calls animal control. a little while passes and van shows up. Out steps a man and an mean old looking pitbull. the man point out the bear to the animal control guy and h...

A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn’t quite reach it.

The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell. He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked: “What now?”

The boy answered: “Now we run like crazy!”

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Two southern wives were sitting on their porch sipping brandy.

One woman says to the other ‘my husband bought me this beautiful ring’ as she flashed a diamond ring.
The other replied in a breathy voice ‘ain’t that niiceee’.

The first woman added ‘he also bought me this lovely dress I’m wearing today’.
The other replied in the same breathy voice ...

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A man is sitting on his porch, enjoying the morning...

When a young boy walks by dragging some Chicken wire.

“Hold on a minute, boy, whatcha doing with that chicken wire?”

“Gonna go catch me some chickens” says the boy.

“Well that’s not the way that works, but you go have fun.” He replies.

A few hours later he sees the boy r...

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A little old couple are sitting on their porch side by side in rocking chairs

Out of nowhere, the little old woman reaches over and smacks her husband across the face.

He looks at her in shock and goes, "What the hell was that for?!"

"That's for having a tiny dick to pleasure me with for the past 60 years!"

They go back to rocking back and forth in their ...

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What's purple and green and sits on the porch at night crying?

She's my fucking girlfriend I'll paint her whatever colours I want.

I've decided to pour a new foundation for my porch.

I want to make concrete changes to my life.

I woke up this morning and was surprised to find a huge box of LEGO blocks sitting on my front porch.

I have no idea what to make of it.

A man is sitting on the porch with a friend, when a kid walks by.

The man says to the friend, that the kid walking by is so stupid, and he calls the kid up. The man takes out his wallet and grabs two bills, a 1 and a 5. He asks the kid which one he wants, and the kid takes the one and walks away.

Later the friend sees the kid at the store buying a soda, he...

Three Southern Belles are sipping a lemonade on the porch swing one hot summer day.

The first one says "Ah heard tell of a boah kissin' anothuh boah. They call them 'ho-mo-seck-shules'."

They all giggle and fan themselves.

The second one says "Wail, AH heard of a gurl kissin' anothuh gurl. They call them 'lez-bee-ans'."

They all turn slightly red and sip their ...

Three old men are sitting on a porch relaxing...

The first old man complains about having trouble moving his bowels.

The second old ma complains about having trouble urinating.

The third old man says, “every morning at 7am I relieve myself, then at 7:15 I take a huge dump.

The other two men look at him and say what’s wrong...

A little boy is sitting on a porch with his grandpa, watching a worm in the dirt

He says to his grandpa "I'll bet you I can put that worm into that little hole in the ground".

The grandfather laughs him off, and says "nah, the hole is too small, and the worm too wriggly, there's no way to fit it in there".

The little boy smiles widely, and says "wanna bet $5"?
<...

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A boy visits his grandparents, and is sitting on the front porch with his grandfather.

Soon Grandma comes out and gives Grandpa a cigar. He lights up while the boy watches, and the boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" Rather than answering, the man snaps, "Does your dick touch your asshole?" The boy thinks about this, then shakes his head no. "Of course not, because you're a l...

The birds and the bees

Little Johnny's Pa decided that Johnny had gotten old enough to learn about the birds and the bees. The problem was, he didn't know how to approach the subject.

So, sitting on the back porch one day, he starts to tell Little Johnny what's involved, but he keeps tripping over his own words. F...

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A little boy walked up to his grandfather on the front porch...

He saw his grandpa drinking a beer and asked if he could try it. His grandpa asked him in return, "Can your dick touch your asshole?" The little boy thought about it for a second and replied with a hesitant, "No." "Then you ain't a man yet so get outta here!"

A couple days later her see his ...

A salesman enters the porch and knocks on the farmhouse door...

... Little Timmy answers the door by sliding it slowly open, inspecting the salesman standing tall with his briefcase.

- hello there kiddo, may I speak to your father? The man asked little Timmy.

Timmy swiftly replies before cleaning his running nose with his sleeve. "sorry my dad got...

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A boy sees his grandpa sipping whiskey on the porch and asks, “can have some?”

The grandpa says, “does your dick touch your asshole?” The boy says, “no”. Grandpa says, “then no, you can’t have any.” Later that day the boy sees his grandpa smoking a cigar. He asks, “hey can I try your cigar?” Grandpa again asks, “does your dick touch your asshole?” The boy says “no” and his gra...

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A man is sitting on his back porch when he sees a teenage boy walking along the road carrying something in his hand...

He yells to the teen "What do you got there?"

The boy yells back "chicken wire"!

"What are you doing with that chicken wire?" asks the man.

The boy yells back, "I'm going to go catch some chickens!"

The man laughs and yells to him, "I don't think you know what you're doi...

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Irish woman and the milkman

Little old Irish woman is sitting on her porch waiting for the milkman. He arrives and drops off her milk. She says “Oh thank you, but for next time could you bring me 500 pints of milk?”

“500 pints of milk?!!” the man says, “Whatcha need 500 pints of milk fer?!”

The old woman says “...

Two farmers are sitting on a porch...

...drinking beers and enjoying the sun. One looks over and sees his dog laying in the corner licking his balls.

He says, "Man, I wish I could do that."

The other says, "I've tried and couldn't even get close. I almost got bit!"

Kept having my Amazon packages stolen off my porch ordered a security cam to deter/catch the culprit.

That package was stolen too.

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Two women sit on a porch in plantation times:

One is the daughter of a rich plantation owner and the other is the daughter of an average middle class southerner. The rich daughter loves to brag so naturally she looks over at the middle class daughter and says "My daddy just got me this pretty dress, see all these intricate frills?" the middle c...

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An old farmer is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise...

An old farmer is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise when he sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying a spool of something metallic under his arm.

"Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Chicken wire."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some chickens."

...

What's the quickest way to get a musician off your front porch?

Tip him for the pizza.

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(Long) An elderly man was sitting on his porch one day..

..when Tommy, the 9 year old neighborhood troublemaker, came walking up the street dragging some metal fencing behind him.

The man yelled "Tommy, what are you doing this time?
Tommy: This is chicken wire, I'm gonna catch me some chickens.
Man: "Tommy you fool, you can't catch chickens w...

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business.

She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different ton...

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Three guys compare their levels of intoxication

from a party the previous night.

The first guy says, "Man, I was so drunk last night, I went home and blew chunks."

The second guy says, "I was so drunk last night, I woke up this morning on my front porch."

The third guy says, "I was so drunk last night, I took a prostitute ...

How do you steal a porch?

You just take it step by step

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An old man was sitting on his front porch, when a kid walks by with some chicken wire.

He decides to give the little boy a hard time and says

"Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Chicken wire, mister."

"What do you plan on doing with that?"

"Well, I'm going to catch some chickens."

"You idiot, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire"

The boy shru...

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Little Johnny goes hunting (long)

One day little Johnny is walking down the street past the Old mans house carrying a roll of chicken wire.

The old man calls out from the rocking chair on his porch "What'ya got there boy?".

Little Johnny says back "I got me chicken wire! I'ma gonna catch me some chickens!".

The ...

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The old rooster

In the farm, all the chickens gathered around the new rooster. He had arrived on the farm in the morning, and was looking at himself proudly as the old rooster of the farm (the only other male of the species in the vicinity) came to him.

The old rooster said, "See, boy, this is my farm. I cha...

Grandpa was sitting on the porch...

...when he saw little Timmy jamming the earthworm back to its hole.
Grandpa: Silly Timmy, you cant put that worm back inside son.
Timmy: Bet you $50 i can grandpa.
Grandpa: Sure, its a deal!

So little Timmy gets hairspray from the house and sprayed it all over the worm, the worm stif...

A blonde woman looking to make extra cash goes into a rich neighborhood....

She comes across a house, knocks on the door and a man opens the door. “I am looking for work and would do anything”. The man looks at his porch and sees it needs some serious paint asks her to paint it for $100. She agrees. He shows her to the paints in his garage and she gets to work. About an hou...

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A ventriloquist from Cork visiting Kerry walks into a small village

A ventriloquist from Cork visiting Kerry walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kerryman... 'Whats the craic, mind if I have a chat with your dog?'
Kerryman: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Lange...

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An old married could sitting on their rocking chairs out on the porch watching the sunset...

Rocking away enjoying the sunset, when the woman takes her cane and suddenly smacks the old man on the leg.

"Hey... what was that for?" he protests

"For 60 years of bad sex!" she says.

They go back to rocking.

A few moments later he takes his cane and smacks her on the le...

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On the walk home I spotted a cat on someone's porch

On the walk home I spotted a cat on someone's porch, meowing to be let in. Without thinking, I walked up to the door, rang the bell, nodded to the cat and left. It was only as I rounded the corner I realized what I’d done as I heard the owner shouting “FUCK ME SARA, THE CAT HAS LEARNED TO RING THE F...

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An old man and his grandson are sitting on the porch.

An elderly man and his grandson are sitting outside on the porch. The grandfather pulls out a cigar, lights it, and proceeds to smoke. The grandson looked upon him with curiosity.

"Papa, may I have a cigar?" The little boy asked.

The old man smirks, "You can, but only if your answer ...

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Little Johnny NSFW

Little Johnny is sitting around at grandpa's house and notices his grandfather smoking a cigar. Johnny goes over and asks his grandpa "Hey grandpa, can I try a little of that cigar?" His grandfather looks at little Johnny and asks "Does your dick touch your asshole?" Johnny replies "No". Grandpa rep...

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An old man is sitting on his porch...

When a young man comes walking by with a sack full of duct tape. "What are you gonna do with all that duct tape?" The old man asks.

"I'm going to go get me some ducks."

The old man laughs, "You stupid kids these days, that's not gonna to work!" He laughs and laughs as the young man wal...

2 farmers sitting on a porch just passin the time, shootin the sh!t

when a marijuana plant yells out of no where:

"You big dumb dark cow!"

One of the farmer turns to his friend and says

"look at the pot calling the cattle black"

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A kid goes to stay at his grandparents house for a weekend

On the first night, the kid and his grandad are sitting in the garage, Gramps is having a smoke. Kid says, "hey, can I get a puff?" Gramps says, "well. Does your dick touch your asshole?" Kid says, "no... What the hell??" Gramps says "well you can't have a puff of my cigar.

Next day, kid and ...

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The day the postman retires.

A postman is delivering letters on his last day before retirement, he walks up some steps onto a porch and puts some mail through the slot in the door. He starts to walk down the stairs when he hears the door opening, he looks back and there’s a lady in a robe. She takes his hand and they go upstair...

Dad and his son are sitting on the front porch.

Meanwhile a column of cars are passing by and honking their horns.
"Dad why are they honking their horns?" asked the son.
"They are going to a wedding" responds the father
"But in school we learned that horns should be used only as a warning"
"Exactly..."

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Bubba was sitting on his porch with his buddies...

Joe Bob and Billy Ray, drinking Alone Star long necks discussing their wives' intelligence.

Joe Bob says, "My wife is so dumb she bought a Hoover vacuum cleaner and we don't even have electricity."

After a good laugh, Billy Ray says, "My wife is so dumb she bought a washing machine and...

What do you call a drunk Irishman sleeping on your porch?

Paddy O' Furniture.

To whoever keeps stealing the stairs to my front porch:

I will find you; steps are being taken. If you ever show up here again, you will get such a railing.

A Fast Worker

A guy hires Danny Dumbass to paint his porch.

The guy figures it's an all day job, so he leaves to run some errands.

But he forgets something at home and returns an hour later.

He sees Danny, lounging in a hammock, sipping lemonade.

"Finished already, huh?", says the guy....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer is sitting in his front porch when a kid with a wagon walks by

Kid: Hey old man I seen some buttercups out in one of your fields. Mind if I go down there and make some butter?

Farmer: You can't get butter out of a butter cup ya dumb shit. But knock yer self out.

Hour later kid comes back with his wagon half full of butter and shows the farmer. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old man sitting on his porch

When three young men walk by carrying chicken wire. Curious, the old man asks "where are you boys going with that chicken wire?" The young men reply "we're going to catch some chickens!" The old man smiles, remembering his young and foolish years, and shakes his head. A couple hours later, the same ...

Dad and Daughter

So, there was a dad, and one night, the dad watched his daughter do her nightly prayers and she said, "God bless mom, God bless dad, God bless grandma, and goodbye grandpa." The next day, Grandpa died. The dad thought it could all be a coincidence, until the next night, when the dad was watching his...

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Goldilocks and the three cars.

Goldilocks had grown into a fine young lady now, and so she decided to revisit the three bears, just to see how they were all doing.

As she wandered down the path, she ended up at their house, signed "The Three Bears".
She didn't see any sign of them around.

Typical.

Yet, so...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A elderly couple are sitting on their porch in their rocking chairs, watching the world go by...

...suddenly the old lady reaches over and smacks her husband upside the head so hard he falls out of his chair onto the porch. He slowly stands back up, rubbing his back.
"What the hell was that for?" he asks.
"For 47 years of terrible sex," comes the answer. The old man stares at his wife fo...

My neighbor had a penguin on his porch

I call the neighbor
Me: hey man, you have a penguin on your porch!

Neighbor: what should I do with it?

Me: I don't know. Maybe take him to the zoo.

Neighbor: that sounds like a good idea. I'll do that.

Next day I look out across the street. The freakin penguin i...

I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she's sleeping ..

...and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects

Did you hear about that guy who got knocked out by a porch?

He was decked!

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