While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let ...

A man walks up to a bald guy in a bar, rubs his head and says "Smooth. Just like my wife's behind."

The bald guy reaches up and rubs his head. "Wow. You're right." he replies.

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A Business man decided to hire a Japanese, a German and a Chinese man to make his business run more smoothly.

He told the Japanese man that he is putting him in charge of productivity. The German was put in charge of efficiency. The Chinese man was put in charge of supplies.

A month later, he walks the factory floor and sees the workers working in unison like a well oiled machine which improved prod...

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A married man was visiting his “girlfriend” when she suggested that he shave his beard. “Oh Ken, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.” Ken replied, “My wife loves this beard, there is no way I could shave it, she would kill me!!”

“Oh please?” the girlfriend asked again in a sexy little voice. Ken sighed and finally gave in and shaved his face smooth.

That night Ken crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. His wife woke up, reached over and felt his face and said, “Oh Tony, you shouldn't be here, my husba...

Why are tic-tacs small, white, and smooth?

Because if they were big, grey, and wrinkly, they'd be elephants.

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Immortal porpoises

One day Timmy has had enough. He is completely burned out, so he decides to use his saved up vacation days to go hiking in the mountains. He packs his tent and all his camping gear, and starts driving.

After many hours of driving he finialy arrives. He puts his backpack on his back and hea...

I only like smooth leather

and my opinion will never be suede.

The lonely fish

Deep in the bamboo forest, there lived a tiny fish alone in a pond. Every day he swam around the pond in solitude. His little heart longed for a companion. He gradually became incredibly sad, he stopped eating and he started losing the color in his scales. A fairy, passing by, was taken with the pl...

Why was Pavlov’s hair shiny and smooth ?

He conditioned it

A man and his dog walk into a bar...

The barkeep says, “Sorry, we don’t let animals in here.”

The man tells the barkeep, “But my dog can talk! Will you let him in if he talks?”

The barkeep lets out some chuckles and shakes his head. “Yeah, sure, whatever,” he says.

The man looks at his dog and smiles. “Alright! Wha...

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Trucker is hauling a B-double with three containers full of computer parts.

It's getting on toward dark, and so he stops at a steakhouse for a bite.


The first thing he sees is a sign on the door:


NO THONGS


NO SINGLETS


NO NERDS


MANAGEMENT RESERVES THE RIGHT TO REFUSE ADMISSION


No nerds? Weird. But whatever...

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A woman was driving through a remote section of desert at night and was thoroughly lost.

Suddenly, a coyote ran into the road ahead of her. Slamming on the brakes, the woman was astounded to see a man come running from out of the darkness toward the coyote. In one smooth motion, the strange man took his pants down, grabbed the coyote by it's back legs and began furiously sodomizing the ...

A frog hops into a pharmacy to buy condoms. The pharmacist asks if he wants smooth or ribbed ones. The frog replies....

"ribbit"

A bright young executive had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech firm. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and handed him three numbered envelopes.

“Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can handle,” he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a nosedive and he was really catching a lot of heat from the board. At wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer ...

Why are eyelids so smooth?

Because they moist your eyes.

A very smooth talking cow

Grazed in a pasture near the chicken coop. The most delicious plants, the spearmint leaves, sat at the edge of the fence where the chickens perched. Whenever the cow would come by she'd eat the leaves, and then smooth talk the chickens with her minty fresh breath. The chickens would eventually ge...

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A newlywed bride and groom were about to commence their honeymoon activities

when the bride became annoyed at the groom’s overly enthusiastic advances. “Have some manners like you do at the dinner table!” she scolded. The groom stopped his pawing, sat up straight, straightened his hair, buttoned and smoothed his pajamas. “Good evening madam” said the groom. “You look very lo...

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an actual oc joke i wrote out like a week ago

One day, a father is enjoying a walk alone, getting his sweet fresh air away from the nagging children and wife. However, enjoying the walk too much, he shuts his eyes. Turning a corner is a very wealthy man in a hurry, who ends up bumping into the father.

Both get up, and the father speaks u...

If companies made toasters.

If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Microsoft made toasters... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You w...

A man and a woman were out on a first date together

Everything is going great and they are getting along really well, when out of nowhere the woman comments on the size of the man’s hands and feet. “I didn’t notice earlier, but you have remarkably small hands and feet!”

The man taken aback by such an unexpected observation thinks quickly and r...

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport....

After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom."Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful fligh...

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How to be smooth when asking a girl out

You: Hey buttercup, do you like raisins?

Her: No.

You: How about dates?

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The Devil's Brew

A man is in a bar and ready to take a drink of his whiskey when a nun comes up to him and says, "Don't take that drink, that is the devil's brew"

The man says that the drink is just whiskey. He asks the nun if she has ever had a drink of whiskey before.

The nun said, 'Mother Superior t...

A lady and her husband arr at the hospital to give birth to their baby

Just before the operation, she starts to get panic attacks due to stories she's heard of the immense pain. The doctors offer an alternative solution.

Doctor: "We've procured a machine that transfers the pain felt by the mother to the father. But be warned, the pain will be like nothing you've...

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[NSFW] Why is Popeye's penis soft and smooth?

He puts it in Olive Oyl.

I love smooth jazz...

but only if it's played in one ear with breaks every 30 seconds telling me how important of a customer I am.

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The Wizard and the Toad

Once upon a time, long, long ago, a wizard lived in an enchanted forest. He usually used his magical powers to help the animals that lived there.
One afternoon, a toad came hopping up to the wizard's cottage and knocked on the door. The wizard opened the door and saw that the toad was, remarkably...

Back in time

Stop me if you heard this joke:

Jimmy magically traveled back in time hundreds and hundreds of years.

He walked around the village feeling very superior to these uneducated and backward people. Saw them practicing with bows and arrows, riding horses, etc.

He walked up to the me...

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A bumpy flight

A plane full of British passengers is heading towards Paris with a smooth and uneventful start. Suddenly the plane is lurching and dipping with passengers getting very annoyed.

A group of passengers approach a flight attendant and demand to know what's happening. She says everything is fine ...

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A politician ends up in hell.

So a politician ends up in hell.
The devil looks at him and say “mmm never had one of your types down here before. You’re the first one God sent down here. But based on your past record on earth, you definitely belong down here”

With in a matter of weeks the politician starts to weasel hi...

If you look at the moon tonight it should look really smooth.

It just waxed last night.

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My grandfather told me this joke and thought it was pretty funny.

Plane is about to take off, and the people are all taken their seats.The captain starts up the plane, and announces to the crew ,"Good afternoon ladies and gentleman, this is your Captain speaking. We will be flying at thirty-nine thousand feet on our flight from Atlanta to London. We are expecti...

I don't understand the purpose of smooth objects.

I mean, there's no point.

I bought a ceiling fan yesterday

Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is."

Life is like a Rubik's cube

If you get one side of it all smooth and organized, you usually mess up all the other sides in the process.

An old woman was sitting next to her fire one day when suddenly a spark jumped out and turned into a fairy.

The fairy told the old woman she could have three wishes.

The old woman thinks for a while and then asks for the following:

1) she wants 10 million dollars

2) she wants to be 18 years old again

3) she wants her faithful tomcat, Tiger, to be turned into a healthy 19 year o...

Two melons: A Love Story

One day two melons were laying next to each other in the sunny field. The same thing is also going on in an alternate universe. Tom Melon looks over and sees the most beautiful melon he’s ever laid his melon eyes upon. “I have to get over there and say something to her” he thinks to himself. So he r...

A man fell in love with a mermaid

Everything went on smoothly until his mother began to smell something fishy.

I pulled my back out trying to uproot a smooth-skinned sapling.

That stupid son of a birch!

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A man walks into a bar with an octopus in a tank

The man says to the bartender “I bet my octopus can play any instrument. If I win, I get free drinks all night. What do you say?” The bartender agrees. “Take him over to the piano. We’ll see how good this octopus really is.” The man walks over to the piano, lets the octopus out of the tank, and the ...

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My driving examiner looks fucking astonished.

I can tell he's never seen someone dodge pedestrians this smoothly before.....

It is an unspoken rule that if a little kid is hiding under a blanket or couch cushions, you are required to comment on how lumpy the blanket is and pretend to sit on it to try and "smooth it out.".....

Screw that, enjoy the peace, leave them there as long as possible. Just get a staple gun and staple the blanket down.

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Two Priests and Two Nuns have dinner with His Holiness, the Pope.

Two priests are fishing on lake outside of Rome. It's a beautiful day, the sun is light, and the water is smooth. Suddenly the first priests fishing rod bends alarmingly; he has hooked a huge fish! It's a struggle but he managed to reel it in. It's a beautiful rainbow coloured fish and big enough to...

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Thank you for flying Philippine Airlines.

(Disclaimer, original joke was in Filipino, imma roughly translate it for y'all)

So John and Peter were riding a flight on Philippine Airlines, everything was going smoothly, and then something went wrong with the engine!

Sirens were blaring in the cockpit, and the pilot issued a PSA t...

What do you call a smooth movie?

A smoothie

Why do farmers play smooth jazz for their corn?

It's easy on the ears

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A man is leaving for a business trip and is worried his wife might be unfaithful, so he stops by a sex shop.

He explains his situation to the owner of the store and the owner smiles widely, "I have just the thing for you." From behind the counter she pulls out an old wooden box with strange writing scratched all over it. "I will let you rent this," she says. She opens the box and inside is a large, smooth ...

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The Unlucky Wife

A very religious 30 year-old Catholic virgin who profusely protested using birth control, wanted a large family. She finally finds the perfect man who accepts and whole-heartedly agrees with her religious values. They marry 3 months later and are overjoyed to be blessed with healthy triplets. Sad...

Told this joke every summer as a camp counselor; never failed

This cheerio works 9-5 at a factory doing the same mundane task every day of every year. One day, this smoking hot frosted cheerio walks in and the normal cheerio falls for her instantly. He walks up to her and says:

“Hey, want to grab something to eat later?” And she says:

“Actually,...

What does the Doctor use to keep things running smoothly in the T.A.R.D.I.S?

WD-4D

NSFW: Too Tight!

So I just heard this one from, believe it or not, my sweet old mom. I'm not sure if it's original or not.

An older woman goes to a plastic surgeon who has perfected a fantastic new technique. As he's doing a face lift he installs a little screw on the top of each clients head. This way, ...

Can you write a whole paragraph without the letter A?

I wouldn't recommend it.

Honestly, your sentences willl just sound wrong.
Everyone will notice you're doing something
different. Your writing won't flow smoothly. You'll
use weird words.

It's not worth the effort involved in spending
time online looking up tons of synonym...

What does a mother use to keep her childrens' toenails soft and smooth?

A pedi-file

Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.

By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

“Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'...

Smooth jazz always puts me to sleep...

...must be the mellow tonin'.

Smooth Farmer

Whats a farmers best dating advice?

A tractor

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There was a man. An especially unattractive man.

He had sex when he was younger. But the older and uglier he grew the less women wanted to be with him. At present he hadn't had sex in over 30 years. No prostitute would sleep with him. Not even a blowjob or a handjob. Such was his level of ugliness. He had given up on jerking off years ago. He need...

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A man and his wife visit Las Vegas for their 15th anniversary. Being the spontaneous couple they always have been the husband decides that their first night he will do all the planning.

They go out a fancy steak dinner and he pays extra to have the band sing their wedding song tableside and serenade his wife. She melts.

He then takes her to a magic show and pays extra to have her involved in the main act as the woman who disappears within the act. She is beaming with joy....

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NSFW: PINOCCHIO WENT TO GO SEE HIS OLD FRIEND GEPPETTO...

After some small talk,Geppetto ask Pinocchio,"So Pinocchio, tell me,how is your love life?"

Pinocchio reluctantly tells him,"Well Gepetto, the women complain about me getting splinters in their vagina.

"I have just the thing,"Geppetto continues. He leaves the room and came back with so...

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A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet....

The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site.

"This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare."

"So why are we here then," the guy a...

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The Girlfriend Joke

Now, I need to caveat the beginning of this joke with some information. I'm a solid six-outta-ten, a real average looking guy. Never been too smooth wirth the ladies but whaddaya do, never been lonely neither.
So, one day I come home from work, I live in a little apartment complex, and I see acro...

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A LONG ONE( but worth it): One wet, cold morning...

A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing.

As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus, opened the doors and called out to the soaking wet p...

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A Boeing 777 was flying from New York to Paris...

A Boeing 777 was flying from New York to Paris when it encountered some heavy turbulence over the Atlantic. The captain has a decade of flying under his belt and manages to get through the turbulence without any major incidents.

He then switches on the intercom and says, “This is your captai...

What did the math teacher say to his trig class when he saw the test?

This should be smooth scalene for you guys

My wife said I make love like a painter.

What like Da Vinci I said. Smooth strokes, attention to detail, resulting in masterpiece?

No, she said. Like a council painter. You rush the job, leave mess everywhere and I end up having to finish it myself.

Larry, the Chemical Engineer

Larry was a chemical engineer who worked for DuPont Chemicals and who was brilliant at his job. He’d been the main guy responsible for developing Kevlar and a host of other really great plastics and polymers.

However, it had been quite a while between new developments and so the VP of Researc...

A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.

Just before the school year started, he injured his
back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper
part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and
wasn't noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to
the toughest students i...

In Medieval Europe, there once was a triangular lake.

This triangular lake was quite large; so large, in fact, that three separate kingdoms were built on each side of this lake. These kingdoms were very different one from another.
The first kingdom was the richest - smooth stone walls built like a fortress, lavish houses for all, and a generous king...

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A guy goes to the bar with his friends on his 21st birthday

As the fun night is going smoothly, an older man comes right up to him and loudly says “I fucked your mom last night.” Annoyed, the birthday guy tries to ignore him and continue having fun.

A few minutes later the older guy comes back and says “yeah your mom likes it rough!” Again annoyed ...

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A man sees an armless woman crying on the beach...

He walks over to her and says "I'm sorry but I couldn't help but notice you were crying, what seems to be the problem?"
The woman replies "well, it's just that in my whole life, I've never been kissed"
So the man, being the smooth gentleman that he is, bends down and kisses her softly on the...

A man is sat in an airport bar, having a drink, waiting for his flight to be called...

As he is sitting there a stunning woman walks into the bar and sits on the bar-stool next to him. She's wearing a very smart uniform and the guy thinks "She must work for one of the top airlines".

He decides to find out which one by running some of their advertising slogans past her.

T...

A white guy, a black guy, and a Chinese guy go to work at a coal mine.

When they arrive the manager assigns each of them a task. The white guy, Frank, is in charge of digging. The black guy, Jamaal, is in charge of transportation. The Chinese guy, Wong, is in charge of supplies.

They get to work and everything is going smoothly. Frank is digging up the coal at...

JESUS WAS BORED so he went to God, his father and asked him, "Dad, give me something to do, I am bored! "

"Take a file and smooth the top of the Himalayas," said God.
After 7,000 years Jesus came back again. "And now what can I do?" he asked God again.
God gave him a spoon and told him to empty the Indian Ocean.
After 7,000 years, he was back again. "It's done... and now?" he asked God. ...

The CEOs of Budweiser, Coors, Killian's, and Guinness walk into a bar....

...and the bartender takes orders. The CEO of Budweiser says "I'll take a Bud Light. It's crisp, refreshing, and doesn't hurt the budget!"

The bartender moves down the line. The CEO of Coors says "I'll take a Coors light. It's colder, even more refreshing, and won't give you a beer gut!" ...

I got into a fight with a math teacher the other day.

Frankly it all went smoothly. We put aside our differences and to sum it all up; we got rid of the negatives.

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Rolls Royce and a Mini

A Rolls Royce and a Mini pull up at the lights together. The guy in the Mini looks at the guy in the Rolls Royce and presses a button to lower his window. The guy in the Rolls Royce smiles and presses the button for his window to go down and with beautiful precision the window smoothly rolls down. ...

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A luxury airplane is flying over Europe, carrying five passengers: representatives from England, Japan, USA, Canada, and Russia.

The pilot emerges from the cockpit, interrupting their conversation. "Slowly but surely, we are falling. I will attempt to crash-land as smoothly as possible, but I urge you to jump out with a parachute."

After briefly explaining how to use the parachutes, the pilot goes back to the controls....

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A Russian is digging around an old battlefield.

He occasionally finds bits of metal worth scrapping, or something interesting enough to keep. Today, he finds a small clump of smooth metal, only a few inches wide. He tosses it from hand to hand, appreciating the way the morning light glares against the surface of the metal. The man wonders if ther...

People say that massages can calm down pets, so I gave my dog a massage

He didn’t seem all that into it, not sure if it was the candles or the smooth jazz.

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Two blonde pilots...

On their first commercial flight together two blonde pilots, best friends for years, are finally flying together after years of being co-pilots for more experienced captains. The cockpit was finally *theirs*.

The flight goes very smoothly and they congratulate each other as they are coming in...

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