UPJOKE
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A man walks up his bald friend, rubs his head and says "Smooth. Just like my wife's behind."

The friend reaches up, rubs his head and replies "My gosh. You're right."

How do the Daleks in Doctor Who stay so smooth and shiny?

They EXFOLIATE! EXFOLIATE!

A newly married couple

A newly married couple make their way to bed and everything is going well until...

"Ooh! Oh! Look at that! What's wrong with it?" cries the bride.

"It's just my junk!" says the groom, offended.

"Yes, but's what's wrong with it? They're not supposed to look like that! It's all tw...
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I only like smooth leather

and my opinion will never be suede.

Daniel LaRusso is really turned on by smooth legs...

Wax on, whacks off!

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[NSFW] Why is Popeye's penis soft and smooth?

He puts it in Olive Oyl.

A man was riding the train across the country when suddenly everything started rocking violently.

People were being thrown out of their seats and luggage was flying everywhere. Then, as suddenly as it started, everything is back to the calm, smooth ride he was used to. Everyone sorted themselves out and found seats again.

When they reach the next stop, the man went forward to the engine c...

A very smooth talking cow

Grazed in a pasture near the chicken coop. The most delicious plants, the spearmint leaves, sat at the edge of the fence where the chickens perched. Whenever the cow would come by she'd eat the leaves, and then smooth talk the chickens with her minty fresh breath. The chickens would eventually ge...

Why was Pavlov’s hair shiny and smooth ?

He conditioned it

I went on a date with a lovely woman and everything was going smoothly.

She said, "This is the best date I've ever had."

"Me too," I replied.

She said, "Pinch my arm to make sure that it's real."

I pinched it and said, "Yes, that is definitely an arm."

Why are tic-tacs small, white, and smooth?

Because if they were big, grey, and wrinkly, they'd be elephants.

I love smooth jazz...

but only if it's played in one ear with breaks every 30 seconds telling me how important of a customer I am.

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A Russian is digging around an old battlefield.

He occasionally finds bits of metal worth scrapping, or something interesting enough to keep. Today, he finds a small clump of smooth metal, only a few inches wide. He tosses it from hand to hand, appreciating the way the morning light glares against the surface of the metal. The man wonders if ther...

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A Business man decided to hire a Japanese, a German and a Chinese man to make his business run more smoothly.

He told the Japanese man that he is putting him in charge of productivity. The German was put in charge of efficiency. The Chinese man was put in charge of supplies.

A month later, he walks the factory floor and sees the workers working in unison like a well oiled machine which improved prod...

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Blind Pilots

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.


Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and th...

I was slightly surprised to learn that dogs' tongues are smooth

I thought they'd be ruff

The CEOs of Budweiser, Coors, Killian's, and Guinness walk into a bar....

...and the bartender takes orders. The CEO of Budweiser says "I'll take a Bud Light. It's crisp, refreshing, and doesn't hurt the budget!"

The bartender moves down the line. The CEO of Coors says "I'll take a Coors light. It's colder, even more refreshing, and won't give you a beer gut!" ...

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How to be smooth when asking a girl out

You: Hey buttercup, do you like raisins?

Her: No.

You: How about dates?

I don't understand the purpose of smooth objects.

I mean, there's no point.

Smooth Farmer

Whats a farmers best dating advice?

A tractor

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Cinderella, now 90 years old, and Prince Charming being long dead, sat on the balcony of her castle with her cat resting in her lap.

Suddenly, the Fairy Godmother appeared out of nowhere. Cinderella was completely stunned.

\- Wh... what are you doing here after all these years? asked Cinderella.

\- Cinderella, you have lived a perfect life. You have never done anything out of malice, and you have been a wonderful wi...

If you look at the moon tonight it should look really smooth.

It just waxed last night.

Why do farmers play smooth jazz for their corn?

It's easy on the ears

What do you call things used to smooth corn kernels?

Kernel Sanders.

Smooth jazz always puts me to sleep...

...must be the mellow tonin'.

I pulled my back out trying to uproot a smooth-skinned sapling.

That stupid son of a birch!

A frog hops into a pharmacy to buy condoms. The pharmacist asks if he wants smooth or ribbed ones. The frog replies....

"ribbit"

A white guy, a black guy, and a Chinese guy go to work at a coal mine.

When they arrive the manager assigns each of them a task. The white guy, Frank, is in charge of digging. The black guy, Jamaal, is in charge of transportation. The Chinese guy, Wong, is in charge of supplies.

They get to work and everything is going smoothly. Frank is digging up the coal at...

What does a mother use to keep her childrens' toenails soft and smooth?

A pedi-file

A woman hits up a guy in a bar

They go to her apartment and make out. Then out of nowhere, the guy starts kissing her neck, softly at first, and then it bursts into a wild ride of biting and sucking, driving her into depths of pleasure she has never had. The guy seems to be pretty experienced, choking her and then stroking her ne...

What does the Doctor use to keep things running smoothly in the T.A.R.D.I.S?

WD-4D

A man is sat in an airport bar, having a drink, waiting for his flight to be called...

As he is sitting there a stunning woman walks into the bar and sits on the bar-stool next to him. She's wearing a very smart uniform and the guy thinks "She must work for one of the top airlines".

He decides to find out which one by running some of their advertising slogans past her.

T...

Two hunters were walking around in the woods around twilight

One of them grabs the other and pulls him back from a 6-foot diameter, perfectly smooth hole.

"You saved my life" says the hunter. "I wonder how far down that hole goes..."

So they find an old anvil and throw it in the hole. As they're listening for the anvil to hit, a goat comes runni...

A woman is badly burned in a car accident and requires a skin graft on her face.

Because of her injuries the doctors are unable to take skin from any part of her body, so they must rely on a donor. Her husband of 25 years volunteers and the operation goes ahead. Whilst deciding which bit of his skin to use he mentions he has a smooth bottom and perhaps that would be the best pla...

Benny the Viking

Benny was your typical Viking. Strong, tall and courageous, he was the ideal viking in every way, except for one.

See, Benny couldn’t grow a beard. For all his 30 winters on Earth, he still had just as smooth a face as the day he was born.

This bothered Benny, because when he was out p...

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Pinocchio

Pinocchio is in bed with his girlfriend doing what wooden boys do with their girlfriends.

When it is over, he notices she is crying. He asks her what's wrong and she says : "Oh Pinocchio, you're the sweetest lover in the world, but every time we have sex, I get splinters!"

Pinocchio i...

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let ...

How do you tell the difference between an Australian and a New Zealander?

One's got a smooth pair down under and the other has some hairy kiwis.

My six year old daughter was watching me shave this morning..

"Why do you shave, daddy?" she enquired.

"Because mommy likes me with nice smooth skin." I explained.

"Does it hurt?" she asked.

"No, not at all." I said. "Unless I cut myself."

"And then do you put a Band Aid on?" She asked.

"No, I just stick a little piece of toi...

I went on a date with a red head once.

It was going smoothly and we talked for a long while over some beers. She kept spinning her hair around her finger and looked at me smiling. I took it as a good sign but turns out it was just a red hair ring.

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A blonde takes her car to her mechanic and tells him it’s running rough.

After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly. "What's the story?" she asked. "Just crap in the carburator," the mechanic replied. "How often do I have to do that?" asked the blonde.

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