Donald Trump, Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton are in a boat, and the boat sinks. Who is saved?

The United States of America.

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink

*No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the movie theatre*

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day as they were walking past the hospital pool, Ralph jumps into the deep end and sinks to the bottom and just stayed there..

..Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse became aware of this heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged as now she was considered to be mentally stable. She went to tell Edna the news in person. “Edna, I have good news and b...

The ice floe felt really bad about sinking the Titanic...

...it was A Nice Berg.

An American coastguard strikes a rock and begins to sink...

The only other vessel nearby was a German coastguard. The Americans contacted the Germans: "Mayday! Mayday! We're sinking! We're sinking!"

To which the Germans respond: "Zis is the German coastguard, what are you sinking about?"

My sink is leaking and my Plumber didn't come to fix it

Now I really need a Plan B..

American presidents are on a sinking ship!

Ford says: What do we do?

Bush says: Man the lifeboats!

Reagan says: What lifeboats?

Carter says: Women and children first!

Nixon says: Screw the women!

Clinton says: You think we have time?

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A math professor, Dave, has a problem with his sink so he calls a plumber.

The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.

The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumbe...

My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened.

He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.

*Thanks for my first gold kind stranger! But please consider donating to your local food bank or another worthy cause instead of rewarding this stupid joke that was (according to sources) reposted.

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A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.

The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

They tried it and sure enough, the s...

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A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse fall's into a mud hole and is sinking.

He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.

He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, ...

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I had twelve bottles of whisky...

...and my wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else!
So, I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.



I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass... which I ...

How do you best sink a Canadian Submarine?

You swim down and knock on the door. They're too polite not to open it and greet you.

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These are genuine clips from council complaint letters

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it h...

A British ship is sinking.

The radio operator is sending out a distress call saying "Mayday, mayday we are sinking. Please help."

A few kilometers away, a German ship hears the call, and the radio operator, who doesn't speak English very well and is new on the job, answers

"uh hello, we hear you. Um, what are y...

My Grandfather saw the Titanic. He shouted loudly to all within earshot "that ship is going to sink!". He was ignored. But he kept it up "Mark my words. That ship will sink on her maiden voyage!"

Eventually the ushers threw him out of the theater.

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A navy man and a marine are in the latrine, taking a piss (mildly nsfw)

A navy man and a marine are in the latrine, taking a piss. The navy man finishes up and goes over to the sink to wash up. The marine finishes up, zips up, and heads for the door. The navy man pipes up "in the navy, they teach us to wash our hands after taking a piss."

The marine replies "in t...

A couple of outdoorsmen were on a lake in their kayak when they started getting cold. But when they lit a fire in their craft it immediately began to sink, proving once and for all that...

...you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

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A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterd...

My grandad predicted that the Titanic would sink

He went to great pains to try and alert everyone. Sadly no one would listen. He told people in authority, middle-management and even the every-day punters who bought tickets. He was silenced from every corner in spite of all the evidence he put forward. Eventually he was forcibly removed from the ci...

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A mortician comes home from work laughing. His wife is at the sink doing dishes. She asks him, "What's so funny?"

He tells her, "The guy on the slab this afternoon! Woo! You should have seen him! He must have had a cock 14 inches long, and thick as my forearm! I've never seen such... What's wrong honey?"

"Oh my God!" she sobs. "Fred's dead!?"

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Dirty Whale joke

A male and female whale were swimming in an ocean. They noticed a whaling ship sailing nearby. The male whale told the female whale: "This is the same ship that was used to kill my dad."

Then he proceeded to say: "I have a plan. Let's swim right below the ship, and use our blowholes at once. ...

What is the difference between sinks and women

I can turn sinks on

My step sister's hand got caught in the sink.

I Googled for a solution and there it was.

The tutorial was weird but Google is never wrong.

100 humps and her hand got unstuck.

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Its better to piss in the sink

Than to sink in the piss

\- Courtesy my 8 year old.. should I be worried?

A large sink hole just opened up on my street.

City officials are looking into it.

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My wife caught me pissing in the kitchen sink, and got really mad at me. "You fucking prick, that's so inappropriate!" she screamed. "Well, so is washing the baby in there, but I don't angry at you about that!" I shouted back.

I think she realised she'd lost the argument, because she didn't even reply.

She just lifted the baby out of the sink and went upstairs...

Three ants take shelter from the rain in somebodies bathroom.

The first ant says, “ I’m going to sleep in the sink”
The second ant says, “ I’ll sleep in the tub”
The third ant says, “ I’ll get the best sleep of all and sleep in the toilet!”

The next morning, the three ants wake up.
The first ant says, “ I slept great last night!”
The second...

I have just started a company manufacturing over-sized sinks...

Does anyone on here mind if I give it a massive plug?

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Husband at the bar with Larry the ladies man .....

Husband asked Larry. "Man Larry how do you do it with the ladies to satisfy them everytime" Larry looks at the husband right in the eyes and said" want to know my secret? Right before your about to get down to business with your wife go in the bathroom grab your cock and slam it against the bathroom...

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Wife: Harry what the heck? I thought you were fixing the fucking sink!

Husband: Well yeah, I'm watching a video on how to do it.

Wife: And when does that part come?

Husband: Probably after he finishes fucking her.

Jesus and Moses are relaxing on a boat and talking about the good old days.

The subject of miracles comes up, and they decide to see if they can still perform them.

"It's been almost 4000 years since I did this one" Moses says, then raises his arms. The water parts, revealing the floor of the lake.

Jesus claps His hands and says "Good one! It's only been abo...

Was watching Netflix with my friend when the new sink I ordered finally reached my house.

So I said to him, "I'm going to pause to let that sink in".

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My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


 

 

 


### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

How do you sink a Polish warship?

You put it in water

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Finding the right dog

Joey decides he wants to start hunting, and he just loves the taste of fresh duck. He starts gathering gear for his first trip when an old-timer mentions he's gonna need a dog. The old-timer goes on to tell him to be careful of the dog he gets. If the dog's asshole is too big, it'll fill with water ...

My grandpa tried to warn everyone The Titanic was gonna sink.

When everyone just ignored him, he yelled at them three more times, eventually they got irritated and kicked him out of the theater.

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The appliances in a sexy woman's bathroom start arguing...

It all started when the bathtub was bragging he gets to see her naked everyday.
The sink piped up, "That's nothing. Daily oral. What guy could ask for more?"
The toilet flushed, "Amateur. I get both holes. Anal multiple times a day."
The tub, feeling like he shouldn't be beat by the toile...

A young blonde fears that her boyfriend is seeing another girl... One day, the girl is visiting her boyfriend's apartment for lunch and stumbles across another woman's discarded garments on his bedroom floor.

After sitting coolly through the meal, avoiding eye contact, she quietly excuses herself without explanation. She is incredibly hurt, and on her way home finds herself in a local gun shop, purchasing a handgun. The next day she awakens with renewed vengeance for her lover's betrayal. She dresses and...

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A Man’s boat sinks...

...and he gets washed up on a deserted island a couple of hours later, along with his pet dog and a pig he had recently bought from a market to fatten up.
After a few days, the man, the dog and the pig got into the routine of sitting at the shoreline, and watching the sun set each evening.
A ...

Two guys were in a kayak when it got chilly

One of them lit a small fire in the back and it ended up sinking

Yep, you can’t have your Kayak and heat it too

Sinks can’t open doors

Let that sink in

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A newlywed couple just moved into their new house.

One day, the wife asked her husband, "Honey, one of the bathroom pipes is leaking. Could you fix it?"

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Who do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"

A few days went by, and his wife asked for a favor. "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new batt...

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You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a jug of water. If it sinks: girl ant....

If it floats: boy ant.

Historians have proved that people with every zodiac sign survived the sinking of the Titanic...

Except Leo

About the chicken and a donkey

On the farm lived a Chicken and a Donkey, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the Donkey fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the donkey 'hee-hawed' for the chicken to go get the Farmer for help!
Off the Chicken ran, back to the farm. Arri...

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A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors: Jim, Tom, and Susie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt that having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral...

If your body was the size of the Atlantic ocean, your red blood cells would be the size of the Titanic

Let that sink in

my wife was so immature..

i'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink all my boats

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A husband who filed against his wife appear in court to explain their reasons for seeking a divorce.

The judge is incredulous at the husband's grounds stating "She's a poor housekeeper", so he asks the husband to provide him more details.

"Well Judge. Every time I go to the kitchen to take a piss in the sink, it's always full of dirty dishes!"

My great-grandfather kept screaming, "The Titantic's going to sink! The Titanic's going to sink." And everyone got angry...

... so they kicked him out of the movie theater.

A German finally got a job as a lifeguard.

One day, a distress signal came from out in the sea.

"We're sinking, we're sinking!"

The german, thinking carefully, answered:

"Vot are you sinking about?"

An American ship is sending out a distress signal, "HELP, we are sinking!"

German ship radios back in "What are you sinking about?"

I used to really love the United States, but I gradually tired of the decadence it was sinking into. I packed my stuff and moved somewhere else.

Now I'm an expatriot.

An Asian, an European and an American is stranded on an island after surviving a sinking ship accident.

They now want to start a new society, at least until they're rescued.

The American decides to be the minister of building and construction and the European takes the position as the minister of food and cooking.

Left over, the Asian is now pretty disappointed that they can't find any m...

A lawyer, a priest and a doctor are all on a ship filled with children and it begins to sink.

They all jump into the life boats, but due to the weight, the life boats start sinking as well.

The doctor exclaims “Save the children!” And begins to jump out of the lifeboat.

The lawyer grabs the doctor and pulls him back stating “Screw the children!”

The priest says “Do we ...

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Anybody ever heard of those Viagra pills?

I heard they were sinking a crate of the stuff down to the Titanic to try and raise it.

Three guys are out fishing when Dave falls out of the boat and sinks like a stone.

The two left start panicking and pull in their rods but one is caught on something.
Pull him up,pull him up, they both heave till he is in the boat and not breathing.
I know mouth to mouth yells Steve and gets right down to business administering first aid to their fallen buddy Dave. After a c...

Two Inuits are whale hunting

They have been out all day in their little boat. The wind starts to whip up and it's getting very cold. Their whale-skin coats aren't even cutting the chill. With each blast the cold eats at them. All of a sudden one of them jumps up and starts building a fire in the middle of the boat. He strips al...

Edumacation is important

Two guys are digging a hole in the blistering heat, while their foreman is sitting 20 ft away under a tree, in the shade.

One of the guys turns to the other and says “hey, why are we out here digging these holes and doing all the work all day, while he gets to just sit there in the shade and...

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An old man gets the call from the IRS

The man on the phone says, “we’ve noticed large sums of money coming in and going out of your account constantly and we gotta get this straight. Come in tomorrow and we’ll have a chat about this.” The old man thinks for a while and then decides he better get his lawyer to come with him.

The ...

What do you call a south american ship full of condiments thats sinking?

Sinko de mayo

An old man, Moses and Jesus are playing golf.

It’s Moses turn and he whacks the ball towards a lake. Just before the ball sinks into the lake, the waters part and the ball goes all the way to the green on the other side.

Next up is Jesus. He whacks the ball and it also goes towards the lake. Just when it’s about to sink the ball goes ove...

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A priest, rabbi, and a preacher are all on a sinking ship

Rabbi: we have to get off the ship!

Preacher: we have to save the kids first!

Rabbi: fuck the kids!

Priest: do we have time?

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I'm pretty sure my neighbor doesn't watch porn.

I've been at her house for two hours, and I'm still fixing the sink.

One professor of mathematics noticed that his kitchen sink at his home broke down.

He called a plumber. The plumber came on the next day, sealed a few screws and everything was working as before.

The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.

"This is one third of my monthly salary !" he yelled.

Well, a...

Wife: "Why are the dishes still in the sink?"

Husband: "Because if I let them soak for long enough, getting them clean will be effortless.

 

\**Wife rolls eyes*\*

 

Wife: "Oh forget it. I'll do it myself."

 

\**Wife goes to wash the dishes*\*

 

Husband (...

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A wife calls her husband.

"The plumber is gonna come in 7, to fix the clogged sink."

"Oh no. You think he's still angry at me from the last time?"

"What happened last time?"

"He said he's here to replace the toilet. So I pissed on him"

A priest, a rabbi and a monk are on a sinking cruise ship.

The rabbi says, "We should save the kids!"

The monk says, "Screw the kids!"

The priest asks the monk, "Do we really have time?"

(Sorry if you heard this before, a friend told me it)

My grandfather predicted that the Titanic would sink.

He tried to warn everyone that it was going to sink, but the fools wouldn't listen. Being the good man that he was, he kept on urging people to heed his warning, right up until he was escorted out of the movie theatre by security.

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So a Cruise Ship Sinks...

So a cruise ship sinks in the middle of the pacific and three guys find themselves stranded on a desert island after being adrift in a life raft for a week.

After being on the island for a couple days a plane flies overhead and sees their SOS on the beach. With their supplies almost exhauste...

TIL the sinking of the Titanic is commemorated in Mexico.

Otherwise known as Sink-o de Mayo.

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

What was Elvis's last greatest hit?

His head on the corner of the sink.

I was just outside Kiel when my boat hit a rock.

I radio the German Coastguard to inform them, "Mayday, mayday, mayday, we are sinking."

It was less than 3 seconds before the reply came through. "Ok, vat are you zinking about zat is so important to declare a mayday?"

This one is mine, so it's not great, but I like it....

A guy named Bob works in an oil refinery, and since he only lives about a mile from the plant, he just rides his bicycle in every day. There only inconvenience is he has to carry his bike across a catwalk that stretches over numerous vats of oil being refined.

One day, he stumbles and *gloop...

"I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the ...

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Oldie but goodie

A man went to the police station and said "Officer, I think my wife might be dead!" the incredulous cop replied, "What do you mean you *think* your wife may be dead?!" The man replied, "Well, the sex is the same but the dishes are piling up in the sink!"

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Fred was hanging out at the local bar.

As it happens, his bladder became full of the liquid that came out of the tap so he went into the washroom to relieve himself. As he stood at the urinal, one hand on the wall and the other holding his private member, he heard a loud crash and the washroom door was broken down off it's hinges. A tall...

A poem, with a title at the end

Darkness, silence, cool serene morning
Daybreak not yet piercing the shades
Crackling, popping, cut through the nothing
Shoulders tense, poised for responding
Electricity in fibers, pushing up against gravity
Hands sinking inward, but head rising lightly
Head tossed sideways and ey...

I used to do a lot of tap dancing

but I kept falling in the sink

I'm not sure how much you know about the story of the Titanic...

...but what caused it to sink is just the tip of the iceberg.

My great-grandfather warned everyone that the Titanic would sink

He screamed that the ship would sink, but nobody would listen.

He was a brave man. He did not give up. He warned them again and again... until he was kicked out of the cinema.

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A gorilla was strolling through the jungle when he came upon a lion sinking in a pool of quicksand

"Save me, gorilla!" shouted the lion. "Drowning in the quicksand is no way for the king of the jungle to die!"

The gorilla quickly grabbed the lion by the rear and started pounding him in the ass.

When he finished he yanked the lion from the quicksand, tossed him as far as he could, an...

I woke up this morning and found my wife washing a big mac in the kitchen sink..

Me: Honey, what are you doing?
Wife: The doctor told me I need to lose weight, and I should start by cleaning up my diet.

Do you know what the plumber said to the lady when he was standing in front of her sink?

I am at your disposal

Why did my ship in a bottle sink?

I used the wrong capsize.

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Mother sharks and her offspring were swimming one day when they came upon a sinking ship.

Mother shark saw the humans abandoning ship. Once the ship sank, she instructed her offspring, "Follow my lead. We're going to swim in circles around the humans". The little sharks, their hunger already growing, were excited. One asked, "Can we eat them now?" Mother replied, "Not yet, dear. Just fol...

An engineering student, a geometry major, and a star basketball player are trapped on a desert island

They’re debating how to get off the island or get rescued. The engineering student looks around and sees only a few palm trees and some coconuts.

“We need to cut down the trees and make a raft to sail away on.” He says and starts designing.

“We need a basketball to pass the time.” Th...

What do you call 4 mexicans sinking in quick sand?

cuatro cinco

Camel Joke

A young camel asks his mother
“Why do I have a big hump on my back”
The mother replies
“You use it to store water when your in the desert”
“That’s cool” says the young camel “ And why do I have these big hooves”
The mother answers “Your hooves stop you from sinking in the quicksand w...

A man is standing on the bow of the Titanic as it is sinking, holding a glass of whiskey.

He says: "I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous"

PLEASE HELP US! WE ARE SINKING

Hello this is german coast gaurd. What are you sinking about?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Best Golfer in the World

After a long week of work, Frank grabs his clubs and heads to the golf course for some needed R&R. After a few holes Frank catches up to a man and a gorilla standing on the par 5. Frank finds this odd, but strolls up and sets his ball up to tee off. The man with the gorilla looks at Frank and sa...

A cruise ship sinks in the middle of the sea...

The people on the ship manage to escape on life boats. A woman comes to the captain and asks him: "How far is the closest land?"
The captain answers :"3 km."
The woman says after: "In which direction?", to which the captain replied :"Down"

Sinking American ship: Mayday mayday, we are sinking. Is anyone there?

German coast guard: Hello, this is ze German coast guard. Ship: We are sinking, I repeat, we are sinking. German coast guard: Wot are you thinking about?

How does a non American frighten an American?

Stick your hand down the sink.

Bill Clinton, George W.Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.

Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.

As the boat sinks, George Washington shouts, "Save the women!"

George W. Bush hollers, "Screw the women!"

Bill Clinton asks excitedly, "Do we have time?"

Why did the antisocial ship sink?

Because it couldn't break the ice.

My very pregnant wife complained that bending over the sink to wash dishes was too hard on her back

"Oooh babe," I sympathized, "why don't you just stand sideways?"

The stitches come out on Monday.

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