UPJOKE
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A no arm no leg guy is tanning in the beach....

When three hot babes walk by. The bosomy blonde walks up to him and ask " You poor man, have you ever been hugged? "
" No I haven't" he replied.
The blonde proceeds to hug him pressing her soft large bosom again him. He uncontrollably sports an erection.

The smoking brunette noticin...

What do mermaids use to wash their fins?

Tide

Why do Alaskans wash their clothes in Tide?

Because it's too cold out tide.

Tide has some serious ad time during the superbowl this year

Must be able to afford it after cornering the teenage snack food market

Trump brings back the Tide Pods challenge to fight against the Coronavirus

What? It's a disinfectant...

It’s pretty easy to stop women from eating tide pods

But it’s a bit harder to deter gents

Why did the Alabama girl take the tide pod challenge?

To wash her family's extra large load.

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On a beach

Man sat on a towel on a beach. He had no arms or legs. 3 Women walked past & felt sorry for him. 1 said “U ever had a hug?” He said “No” so she hugged him & walked on. 2nd said “U ever had a kiss?” He said “No” so she kissed him & walked on. 3rd said “U ever been fucked?” He said “No” as...

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He’s armless

A man with no arms or legs is sunbathing on the beach. He is approached by three beautiful young women who take pity on him. The first says to him, ‘Have you ever been hugged?’

The man shakes his head, and she leans down and gives him a big hug.

The second says to him, ‘Have you ever b...

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Don't Worry. The Tides Will Take Care of It.

Upon learning that the captain of the freighter that blocked the Suez Canal was ambivalent about the mess he created, the ship has been re-christened as the *No Fucks Ever Given.*

Why does the moon raise and lower the tides over and over again?

It has to make shore

Ladies that eat Tide pods should be aware it could negatively affect their chances for a romantic relationship. Odds are likely that it will...

...detergents.

Why was the tide high?

Too much seaweed

People who eat Tide Pods are idiots.

The Costco brand pods are half the price. Just saying.

Personally, i think that Tide pods are even better than advertised.

I mean, anything that can clean your clothes and the gene pool in the same product...

Last year, kids were eating tide pods. This year, they're getting vaccines and picking up trash.

Seems that eating tide pods makes you smart!

I used to be addicted to Tide Pods...

But I’m clean now.

What do Tide Pods taste like?

Natural Selection.

Tide announced the new motto for their pods line.

Cleaning the gene pool since 2017.

The tide will come in!

It did shore enough!

There was a lighthouse owner that noticed the tide was coming way too high and might wash away his home. So he called 911

It was an emerging sea.

Are you a tide pod?

Because you’re lookin’ like a snack but you’re really just toxic to everyone.

What do you call it when a salmon accidentally fertilizes his sisters eggs?

Roe Tide

What if tide pods..

Are just cleaning up people who should have been stains in the first place?

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Why aren't we using Tide to prevent sexual harassment?

After all, it deters gents.

Three Brigadier Generals of the Army were sitting together and having drinks..

After a few rounds they start talking about their achievements in their respective careers. The topic somehow gets to who among the three Generals has the most fearless soldiers.

The first General says "My soldiers are very fearless, whatever I tell them to do they will do it without a second...

Why don't we see kids doing the Tide pod challenge anymore?

They cleaned themselves up

When an eel bites your thigh at the beach (at low tide)

That's a moray

What do Prince Andrew and Tide Pods have in common?



They should always kept away from children

What do you call a Tide Pod that prevents war?

A nuclear detergent

Now that the tide pod fad is dying down

lets move onto the cotton candy in the attic.

Learned today what causes high tides.

Sea weed.

A Rabbi, a Hindu holy man, and an Alabama Crimson Tide fan are in a car together, but the car breaks down.

Luckily, there's a farm right nearby. The farmer says, "I only got room for two of ya in the house, so one of you's gonna have to sleep in the barn."

The Hindu holy man decides to go, but comes back to the barn because there's a cow in there, and Cows are sacred in his faith.

The Rabb...

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A man with no arms and no legs sits at the beach pondering his lonely life

3 beautiful women walk by and the first woman taking pity on the man walks up and asks "Have you ever been hugged before?"

"No" says the man. So she hugs him and walks on.

The 2nd woman also taking pity on the man, walks up and asks "Have you ever been kissed before?"

"No" the m...

There is an upside to eating Tide Pods....

It takes the skid marks out of your underwear.

Instead of using the fear of prison to dissuade criminals, we should start making them eat Tide Pods.

That would be a real crime detergent.

A friend and I decided to see who would die first after eating a tide pod...

“Now this is pod racing.”

There are flat earthers, there are tide pod eaters,

And there are people who want the first two to be the same.

Was this whole Superbowl a Tide ad?

I've seen stranger things.

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Southern grammar: tied

Y'all might not know it, but southern USA grammar is more complex than up north. We have many different ways of using the same word, with completely different meanings.

Take the word "tied" for instance. You might say two people, or animals "tied up" which means they fought.

You could ...

I don't know why people think eating Tide Pods is dangerous...

I mean, you could start today and eat them for the rest of your life.

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I had the strangest visitors this halloween…

As I opened the door, there stood three men. One butt naked with only a glass jar over his pecker, one in overalls and one furiously masturbating.

After overcoming my initial shock, I asked the man in overalls what the fuck they were doing here. He replied:”hey, sweetie, wanna do it machinist...

Tide is fully embracing their new consumers with their new Tide Pod containers...

They just changed their “active ingredients” to “nutrition facts”.

I feel bad for all the people eating Tide pods.

They haven't figured out that Cascade actionpacs taste way better.

A poem

A fisher was fishing a bass

The water came up to his knee.



Strange, it rhymed this morning when there was high tide.

Recent reports have shown that Tide Pods can be used to clean your bathtub or jacuzzi...

Since they're already acting like chlorine on our gene pool

My mom caught me lying about smuggling Tide pods out of the house instead of doing the laundry

So I had to come clean

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Poor mermaid

Paddy English man, Irish man and Welsh man are on the beach. They see a mermaid sitting on a rock. The most beautiful creature they had ever seen.

English man goes up and asks, have you every been kissed? The mermaid is all coy and says no. English man gives her a gentle kiss on the cheek.Wel...

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A man with no arms and legs was sun baking on the beach.

A gorgeous blonde was walking past him, stopped for a second with a tang of pity in her eyes.

“Have you ever had a hug?” She asked.
“No.”
So with an “aww”, she gave him a big hug.

Two minutes later, another beautiful woman was walking past the man.

“Aw look at you honey. ...

Two ants, Jack and Rose, are sitting on a leaf on water. Suddenly, a small tide comes and upturns the leaf. Only the girl ant sinks…

…because the other is a buoy ant

Letter to Tide from beloved consumer

Dear Tide

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have!
One evening about a month ago, while at home, I spilled some red wine on my new white shirt. My wife started to berate me about my clumsiness and how expensive the shirt was. That I was stupid, couldn't even hold a glass rig...

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A man is resting on a Saturday

A man is resting on a Saturday when his wife comes in, wakes him up and tells him she needs laundry detergent.
He reluctantly gets up, gets dressed and exits his apartment on the 10th floor. He presses the elevator button only to find out it’s broken, he goes down the stairs and goes to the supe...

What does a Notre Dame fan do after his team beats the Roll Tide?

Turn off the xbox and go to bed...

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At the beach (nsfw)

A man sees to a woman on the beach with no arms/legs. He starts a conversation and eventually asks if she has ever been kissed. When she says no he leans over and gently kisses her. After a while he asks her if she has ever had her breasts fondled. She replies no so he fondles her breasts tenderly. ...

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A Scotsman and an Englishman

Were walking along the beach when they come upon a beautiful Mermaid sitting on a rock.

Englishman says "Have you ever been kissed?" She says No, and he kisses her.

Scotsman says "Have you ever been fucked?" She says No, he says "Well you are now the tide's just gone out"

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A man with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach, thinking deeply about his life.

As he lays there, unable to move, he thinks about all the rejection he has faced. Countless women, scared off by his grotesque appearance, have avoided all contact with him. Never been kissed, never been loved.


As he reflects on his sad, lonely existence, a beautiful, busty young lady, ...

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Rabbi Eliezer was the most brilliant Rabbi of all time...

Nevertheless, his fellow Rabbis would often disagree with his opinions, leading to lengthy philosophical and theological debates.

During one debate on the subject of the legal minutiae of a religious ritual he found himself at odds with three of his colleagues. While everyone recognized that ...

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A tourist is backpacking through the highland of Scotland (Taken from Andrew Stanton’s Ted talk)

A tourist is backpacking through the highlands of Scotland, and he stops at a pub to get a drink. The only people in their is the bartender and an old man drinking a beer. He orders a pint and they sit in silence and drink for a while.

Suddenly the old man turns to him and says, “ye see this ...

Why did the chicken cross the sea?

To get to the other tide!

What do you call the racial separation of fish?

An apart-tide

Old married couple eating a quiet 50th anniversary dinner

A husband and a wife are celebrating their 50 year anniversary by having some dinner. After being together for so long they don’t have many secrets but the husband always wanted to know.

“Hey honey, have you ever cheated on me? We’ve been together so long it doesn’t even matter, but I’d li...

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A limbless man is on the beach

A man with no arms or legs was laying on a glorious beach in the blazing sun. A gorgeous redhead approached him and said
"Have you ever been kissed?"
The man replied "No".
The redhead knelt down and kissed him passionately.
Shortly after a gorgeous brunette approached him and said ...

Due to turning into laundry detergent, I was unable to go to work today.

What can I say? My hands were Tide.

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A group of...

A group of sperm cells in a guys balls are getting ready for their big moment. They all talk about racing to the egg, who will be first, how to get in, etc. But while all the sperm are talking, one sperm cell by the name of Matt instead of chatting is busy working out. He's doing sprints, push ups...

Russian emergency !

Russian President Putin called President Trump with an emergency:

"Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried.

"My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"

"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within t...

Yo mama so fat...

She went to the beach and the lifeguard said “madam, could you please leave the beach, the tides waiting to come in”

The Cool Clam Club

Deep beneath the ocean there is an exclusive club known for only having the coolest of clams in their midst. This was called the Cool Clam Club.


Now, the Cool Clam Club was known across the seven seas as one of the most prestigious clubs known to seakind due to the fact that their initia...

I don't need to inject disinfectant

I'm still protected by that Tide pod I ate two years ago.

A friend of mine said she was using detergent as birth control

She had her tubes Tide.

Give a teen a pizza, they'll be full for a day

Give a teen a tide pod, they'll be full for the rest of their life

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I had sex with my best friends mother, sister and girlfriend all at the same time.

It wasn’t a foursome or anything, Roll Tide.

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A new washing liquid has been launched

It is marketed as the Best Universal Grit Grime and Effluence Remover. So if Persil won't whiten it and Tide won't brighten it and Dash won't renew it - BUGGER it.

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