A man is walking down a beach when he spots a bottle with a cork in it.

He opens the bottle and out comes a genie. The genie is grateful to be out of the bottle and offers the man three wishes to be granted.

The man first wishes for a billion dollars in an offshore Swiss bank account. There's a flash of light and in his hand is a receipt for a billion dollars in...

What’s the same about an orphan boy and a champagne bottle without a cork?

They both lost their pop

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Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass.

He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?"

The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, 'I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant you one wish."

And I said, "No shit."

In Celebration of my Cake Day, here's a terrible joke: the Olympic Swimmer and his Son

Michael was a famous Olympic Swimmer. Recently retired, it was his dream to continue his legacy by teaching his son the art of swimming. They had practiced for years, and when Michael's son was ready, he was entered into his first ever tournament.

The first round was easy. After all, t...

I found myself in a pub in Cork, Ireland.

A group of American tourists came in.

One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."

The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishman leaving. No one took...

Did you know that corks come from trees?

Son-"Hey dad, did you know that corks come from trees?
Dad- "No son, Quarks come from particle accelerators"

A man walking on the beach stumbled on a bottle.

He picked it up and pulled the cork and a genie jumped out.

Genie: Thank you for freeing me. I will grant you one wish.

Man: I've heard this one, whatever I wish for will come back and bite me.

Genie: Nah man I won't do that. In fact if that happens I'll give you unlimited wishe...

My buddy Jacob is a bad driver. He got in a bad wreck. His car was totaled. The other car was totaled. He stepped out of his car and went to check on the other driver. He was fine.

Jacob said, "This is a miracle. Look at how bad our cars are and we are totally unscathed. Even still. I have this bottle of wine in my backseat which it still unbroken. This surely is a sign. We should toast". The other man agreed, it was a sign and a toast was in order. So Jacob popped the cork an...

A man called Andrew moved from Cork to Dublin to open a flower shop.

He was quite successful and through great marketing, quality product, and reasonable prices, Andrew's Flowers became the top garden shop in all Dublin. Some monks that had a stall set up nearby took notice and, since attendance at the local parish (and the accompanying tithing revenue) was way down,...

How do you get a champagne cork back in the bottle?

I don't know, ask a Falcons fan

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Radio call-in show, Cork, Ireland

True story...

The host asked for people to call in with a four-letter word that isn't in the English language, but should be, and to use it in a sentence.
A caller says, "G-O-A-N, pronounced go-an. I can use it in a sentence. Goan fuck yourself!" The host stumbles for words as the call goe...

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Patty and Murphy were fishing in a boat on a lake.

While fishing, they felt something bump against the side of their boat. Murphy looks over and sees a bottle. He reaches over and picks it up. He pulls the cork out of the bottle and a genie comes out of the bottle.

The genie says, “I’ll give you each a wish for releasing me.”

Patty wa...

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I had 12 bottles of whisky in my basement.

However, my wife did not approve of this ownership of liquor, so she asked me to dispose of it in the sink. And since I didn't dare oppose her, I commenced my precarious mission thus:

I pulled the cork out of the first bottle, and poured the contents down the drain, except for one glass which...

Genie in a bottle...

A young man was walking along one of Southern California's sandy beaches with his surf board. He suddenly spots this bottle which has recently washed up on the beach. It's obvious it's been tossed around for a long time. He picks up the bottle and notices that it still has the cork intact. So, being...

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A student of proctology is in the morgue...

...one day after classes, wanting to get a little practice in before the final exams. He goes over to a table where a body is lying face down. He uncovers the body and, to his surprise, he finds a cork in the corpse's rectum.

Figuring that this is fairly unusual, he pulls the cork out and, t...

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So there was this recently separated guy...

So there was this recently separated good looking guy, he was just driving to the movies to watch a film that he’d been waiting to see for ages. Anyhow, as he crosses a junction in the road a car came flying out and t-boned him good. ‘Christ sake’ he thought to himself, ‘I’m just getting over losing...

A hideous little orc is in the kingdom's capital, looking to acquire medicine for his sick mom.

Nobody can stand the sight of him, with some even threatening violence of he doesn't leave.
He finds and alchemist's medicine shop at the market and tells him about his mother's illness.

"Ah, but of course!" says the alchemist, "It's clearly a case of Sakiara Fever. It's not very common at...

Shipwrecked

So a guy is involved in a shipwreck, and manages to swim to a deserted island. He's there for three years, living on coconuts and crabs.

Then one day a barrel floats ashore. The top pops off the barrel, and a woman climbs out.

"Oh my god!" says the guy.

"Wow," says the woman. "I...

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Cork man on Mastermind

In a similar vein to the Irish millionaire joke posted earlier.

Mick from County Cork in Ireland is on Mastermind. His specialist subject: "the 1916 Easter rising". The questions begin.

John Humphreys: who was the leader of the military during the Rising?

Mick: Pass

John ...

Traveling salesman stops off at farm in County Cork, Ireland.

There he sees a pig lying about in his sty with an entire back leg and other body parts missing. When the farmer comes out the salesman rather than going into his sales pitch is overcome by curiosity and asks the farmer what is the story behind that pig.

"Ah, that pig!" says the farmer in a ...

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The 3 farmers

Once there was 3 really poor farmers. One day they saw a flier for the county fair. World's fattest pig wins 1 million dollars. There pig wasn't fat at all but one of the farmers had an idea. They trained a monkey to put corks in bottles. After a week of training the monkey. They throw the monkey in...

A man and woman in bed

"Give me some", man begs.

"No. You've had too much," wife responds.

"Come on, let me have some," man begs again.

"I'm tired of this. Help yourself. Go ahead, but you know how it always goes", then wife says.

Happily man goes to kitchen, opens refrigerator, and grabs a bot...

Man wishes to understand women.

A man is surfing along the beaches of Southern California when he spots a strange looking bottle washed ashore nearby. He makes his way over to the bottle and tries to rub off the sand caked on the front of it so he can read it. However, this causes the bottle to start shaking violently in his hands...

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The auditor goes to the synagogue

The auditor is on a fining spree; he went through his list and every business in town got fined for irregularities. He checks is list

done

done

done

not yet done

"What's that?" he thinks. He reads: synagogue. "I'll go there NOW"

The rabbi and all the adminis...

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The coroner's first day

Jack gets a job as a coroner in his local precinct, assisting the head coroner.


He starts prepping his first subject for autopsy, when he notices a cork in the corpse's behind. Putting on his gloves and grabbing an evidence bag, he slowly removes the cork and suddenly a song starts bursti...

I'm trying to get into my Christmas spirit..

but the cork is stuck.

Two Irish lads having a drink in a pub.

One says to the other “where you from?”

“Glanmire - outside Cork” replies the second

“Amazing so am i!” the first exclaims “what school did you go too?”

“St Josephs” he replies

“St Josephs!? I went St Josephs as well!!” shouts the first

The second asks “what year d...

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In the men bathroom

A man with a cork in his ass gets questioned: "Hey man, why the cork there?"
"Well, you know that genie. I've met him and when he asked me for a wish, I've said: 'No Shit!'"

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Three farmers go out to the State Fair.

On their way driving to the fair they pass a farm with a little monkey picking up acorns and putting them in a basket. They look at it, but still stay in their way to the fair. As they are walking through they see a sign for a contest of the heaviest pig. To their surprise the 1st Place prize money ...

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a
woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God th...

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A jungle explorer is captured by natives

and is brought before the tribal chief.

"Trespassing in our jungle is punishable by death." says the the chief, "We can kill you right now quickly and painlessly, or you can try and survive a test of courage and win your freedom."

"What's the test of courage?" Asks the explorer.
...

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A short true tale about Ireland, quiz-shows and Hitler

Decades ago when I lived on the rocky coast of West Cork, there was a quiz show called "Quicksilver". It had a top prize of something like $1.25 (perhaps a bit more), and the contestants were just average people. In one show the contestant was asked for Hitler's first name. He thought about it, smil...

A man finds a bottle

A man was walking along the beach when he came across an old glass bottle with a cork in it. Curious, he pulled out the cork, and with a loud bang and a cloud of smoke, a genie appeared.

Excited, the man asked "Does this mean I get three wishes?"

"Yes," said the genie. "But all my wis...

Smee goan get some Karma

A CORK radio station was running a competition - words that weren’t in the dictionary but could still be used in a sentence and make sense.

DJ: “96FM here, what’s your name?”

Caller: “Hi my name is Dave!”

DJ: “Hey Dave, what’s your word?”

Caller: “Goan... spelt G-O-A-N, ...

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An Irishman walks into a bar...

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. “No,” replied the Irishman “I’ve lost all me luggage!” “How’d that happen?” “The cork fell out!” said the Irishman.

An Irish p...

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There were these three farmers that wanted to win the state fair contest for having the largest hog.

They decide that they should stick a cork in the pigs behind and feed him for a month before the fair.

The only problem was that none of them wanted to be the one to stick the cork in. So they bought a monkey and trained him to stick corks in bottles.

After a week or two of this, they ...

The Kings English

I take it you already know Of tough and bough and cough and dough? Others may stumble, but not you, On hiccough, thorough, slough and through.

Beware of heard, a dreadful word, That looks like beard but sounds like bird.

And dead: It’s said like bed, not bead -- For goodness’ sake, don...

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The Vagrants

Five men were brought in front of a judge on charges of vagrancy, public indecency and solicitation. They insisted, however, that they were just looking for work.


"What do you do?", the judge asked the first man.


“I’m a cork soaker.”


The judge blinked. “Pardon?”
<...

Murphy and Seamus

Two Irish pilots, Murphy and Seamus, are flying a Ryanair Ltd. jet on its final approach at Cork Airport.

Murphy says: “BuayJesus! Maury an' Josefff! Look how short this runway is.”

Seamus replies: “Yes, but look how fookin' wide it is!”

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A man walking along the beach stumbles upon a bottle...

A man who has been walking along a beach stumbles upon a bottle. He picks up the bottle and takes the cork out of it. The moment he does it, out comes a genie.

The genie looks at the man and said,
>“As you have released me from my imprisonment, I offer you one wish!”

The man th...

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Yet another Genie joke...

A fellow is walking along the beach, in a really foul mood. He sees something shiny sticking out of the sand, and he hauls off and delivers a mighty kick.

It's a genie's bottle, and it goes tumbling across the sand. The cork pops out, and what appears is one very pissed off genie.

...

A Texan, a Kentuckian, a Californian, and an Oregonian are all sitting around a campfire...

A Texan, a Kentuckian, a Californian, and an Oregonian are all sitting around a campfire, talking and BSing. Being a Texan, the first man decides to use a lull in the conversation to prove his manhood to the group. He pulls out a 6-pack of Lone Star beer and a revolver, slams down one of the beers i...

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A timeless, Irish classic.

About twenty years ago, the Irish government decided to set up a secret service, much like MI5 in the UK. The three best Gardai (Irish police officers) were selected to participate in a number of tests in order to determine who would receive the coveted title of 001.
The three Gardai, each repres...

Irish Joke

Paddy walks into a chemist ,pulls out a small bottle from his pocket, removes the cork and addresses the pharmacist.
"Wid ye mind tastin that fir me"?
The man takes a swig and screws his face up in disgust. "Thats terrible" he says. "So bitter".
Paddy replies with delight "Oh tats good ne...

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There was once these three students...

... and they were told to conduct an experiment of their choice. So the bought an elephant and put a cork in its ass and fed it non stop for 3 weeks. The idea was to see if it would all discharge at once. They had everything for the experiment ready: the hired a field had transport of the elephant b...

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Fattest Pig Contest

One day 3 farmers are coming back from town when they see a sign for the County Fair coming next month, right below the main advert is another for a Fattest Pig Contest. The farmers have pigs on their farm so they think they should enter.

When they get back to the farm the first farmer goes ...

Priest and a rabbi in a car accident

A priest and a rabbi have a fender-bender in the middle of an intersection. They get out to survey the damage, and the rabbi turns to the priest and says, "You know, this is a pretty trivial event, all things considered. I've got some Manischewitz in the car -- how about you and I drink to the frien...

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Need Irish jokes, here's one to start...

The Eighteen Bottles

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and pured the contents down the...

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Two men are changing in a locker room . . .

When one of the men notices that the other has a cork up his butt. He politely asks why it is that the man has a cork stuck in his butt. The other man explains that one day as he was walking along the beach, he noticed a lamp resting in the sand. He rubbed it three times, not really expecting anythi...

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A group of sick minded friends and a cow.

A group of friends are on a beef farm and are bored and looking for something too do. The sick minded one of the group (there's always one) suggets that they should see if they can plug a cows arse. Being a group of sick fuckers, they all think it's a great idea. They go ahead and put a cork up one ...

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There were 3 scientists and elephant and a monkey...

The scientists thought it would be scientifically valuable to put a cork up an elephants backside so it couldn't shit, feed it for three months then pull the cork out and measure the results.

They thought this would be dangerous so trained a monkey to pull the cork when a red light went.
...

A young monk went fishing

A young monk goes fishing with two other much older and experienced monks. While out in the boat one of the older monks realizes he has forgotten his favorite hook, gets out of the boat, walks across the water, and returns shortly with his favorite hook. The young monk is stunned at this sight. A sh...

UK Fire Insurance

A man and his wife moved back home to Cork, from London. The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £2000.00 a year!

When they arrived in Cork, they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the comput...

SpaceX won't be drinking Champagne tonight.

Every time they pop the cork it ends up back where it started...

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3 Scientists, an Elephant and a Monkey

Try to picture the monkey as curious george.

3 scientists were sitting around the lab getting drunk one day when one turned to the others and asked, "What would happen if we put a giant cork up an elephants butt for a month?" Well none of them knew for certain so they decided to try it out. T...

A Californian, an Oregonian and a Washingtonian all head out on a fishing trip...

It's a beautiful day in the Cascades of Oregon and all three men are enjoying themselves - although a fervent discussion about which state is the superior state has sprung up, initiated by the Californian who won't shut up about, well, everything that California is better at. At noon, they stop by...

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The Prawns

Robert and Christian were two prawns, the best of friends, who spent their lives swimming in the ocean. One day they found a bottle and managed to pull out the cork. And an underwater genie emerged.

"For freeing me from the bottle I'll grant ONE of you two wishes...."

The two prawns ta...

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Told by a steward on VIA's famous Canadian train:

A woman eating in a restaurant noticed that her waiter carried a spoon in his back pocket, so she asked him about it. “It’s to retrieve pieces of cork that fall into wine glasses. Using this spoon is much more sanitary than using my fingers.”

Later, the woman noticed a string poking out of th...

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The poor little monkey...

Three scientists were discussing what would happen if they rammed a cork up an elephant's butt and force fed it for 2 weeks.
Because the experiment had never been documented and the idea was hard to comprehend, they decided to have a go.
A week in, they began to realize WHY the idea had never ...

An Englishman is visiting Ireland for the first time...

His first stop is Cork where he decides he wants to kiss the famous Blarney Stone. Unfortunately for him he hasn't a clue where the stone is, so he walks into a pub to ask for directions.

He walks into the pub and yells, "Alright Paddies, I'm visiting from London and I'm looking for someone t...

A Rabbi and a Priest get in a car crash.

A rabbi and a Priest get in a car crash. Miraculously they both escaped unscathed.

The Rabbi looks to the priest and says "surely this is a miracle by the grace of god don't you agree?"

The priest agrees with the Rabbi.

"Then surely you would agree God would want us to celebra...

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Radio contest

A CORK radio station was running a competition. Words that weren't in the dictionary, yet could still be used to form correct and logical sentences. The prize was a trip to Bali. The DJ got a call: "96FM here, what is your name?" - "Hi, me name's Dave." - "Hey Dave, what is your word?"

Dave r...

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