Joseph

One night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend, when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, fell over and broke my glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, I didn't even know where he was from, but since he was my roommat...

Mike Pence and Donald Trump walk into a steakhousehouse...

After a long night of campaigning in Nebraska Donald Trump and Mike Pence end up at Outback Steakhouse, where they are seated alone.

The waiter approaches with pen and pad, and asks "What can I get for you gentlemen tonight?"

"I'll take the New York Strip, well done. Can't stand the s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A menstrual pad goes to school where she got bullied by two tampons

The toilet roll walked up to her and told the menstrual pad “Don’t listen to them, They’re both stuck up cunts”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An artist and his wife have been having sex daily for almost two months.

While highly unusual, he doesn't question it for fear of pressing his luck. One day, his wife approaches him.

"Honey? Can you draw a picture for me?"

"Sure babe, what would you like?" he replies.

"I want to see how you think our baby will look."

The husband stares at her,...

One day a frog grew tired of living on a lily pad.

He decided he wanted to get a house. So he went to the bank and asked if he could get a loan for a house. The banker said that he can have a loan if the frog can give some collateral. The frog had no idea what collateral was and asked what it is. The banker said that collateral is when you give the ...

I bought some new brake pads imported from Israel

My car can now stop on a dime

The last time I played tackle football without pads l broke three ribs and a collar bone.

Fortunately, none of them were mine.

An old lady is sitting with her doctor

“I’ve been having the most terrible flatulence, doctor. I just can’t stop passing gas. Luckily, they’re silent and they don’t smell at all. Why, you couldn’t tell but I’ve farted at least five or six times in the few minutes I’ve been here with you.”

The doctor pulled out his prescription pad...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor pulls out his pad to write when he notices...

...that he’s holding a rectal thermometer. He thinks to himself, “Well, some asshole’s got my pen.”

A frog goes into a bank

“What can I help you with?” asks the Teller.

“I’d like to apply for a loan” says the frog.

“Oh” says the Teller “you need to speak with our Loan Officer, Miss Whack”.

The Teller leads the frog to Miss Whacks office and, informs her that the frog wants to apply for a loan. “What ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Karen back at it again

Karen pays a rare visit to the doctor one morning.

The doctor, surprised, asks: “What seems to be the problem, Karen?”

Karen responds, “Doc, I’ve got the farts. I mean I fart ALL the time.”

The Doctor nods, “Hmm.”

“My farts do not stink and are silent, but I fart all ...

A gypsy man caught a golden fish

And the fish said "Dear fisherman, if you throw me back in the water, I will grant you three wishes."

The gypsy threw the fish back and went "I want to be white, I want to be 8 inches long and I want all women in the world to want me."

Fish did it's magic and the man turned into a peri...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Canadian Government is considering forcing all large businesses to provide their employees with tampons and pads free of charge.

Businesses say the costs will be tough to absorb....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with a 25 inch penis...

Was having a hard time getting laid so he goes to the doctor. The doctor said “No, I’m sorry but you will have to go to a surgeon”. The man goes to the surgeon and the surgeon said “ Sorry there’s nothing I can do but you can try a witch doctor”. So the man thought at this point he might as well giv...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whoever said technology will replace paper

..has obviously never tried to wipe their ass with an iPad!

Where does Sauron save his notes?

On an eye pad.

I have Apple appliances in every room of my home.

In addition everyone in my household owns an iPhone, iPad or both. We are pretty diligent about keeping all of the devices synchronized with each other. All, except for some reason, the kitchen.

I guess you could say, everything but the kitchen’s synch’d.

Steve is driving to see his dying mother when he gets pulled over for speeding.

Steve angrily asks the cop, “What would you do if I called you a prick?" The cop looks up from his ticket pad and says, “I'd have to arrest you.”

“What would you do if I thought you were a prick?" The cop replies, “I can't do anything about what you think.” Steve says, “Well then, I think yo...

What does your Mom have in common with the word "padded"?

They both have three ds in them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A frog was sitting on a lily pad and saw a fly..

Little did the fly know the frog was thinking "if that fly moves down 4 inches I can grab it".

Little did the frog know a fish was thinking "if that fly moves down 4 inches the frog will grab it and I can eat the frog".

Little did the fish know a bear was thinking "if that fly moves do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men climb to the diving pad at a swimming pool.

A fairy appeared there and grants them a wish each. Three men think for a while then the first one jumps and wishes for beer and all of a sudden the pool is brimming with beer. Second one jumps and wishes for money and the pool is brimming with dollar bills. Third one is about to jump but slips says...

Once a half wit homeless man saw a lady buying sanitary pads.

Man: X'cuse me ma'am if you could share some of those bread with me I'll be very grateful.


Lady: Sure. I'll come back tomorrow with the jam on it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You ladies who only use tampons should really give pads a try. I'll even send you a sample for free.

No strings attached

Love at Last!

George, age 92 and Edith, age 89 are all excited about their decision to get married.They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. George suggests they go in and he addresses the man behind the counter.

"Are you the owner? "The pharmacist answers, "Yes". <...

A chicken walks into a library

It goes up to the circulation desk and says: "book, bok, bok, boook". The librarian hands the chicken a book. It tucks it under his wing and runs out. A while later, the chicken runs back in, throws the first book into the return bin and goes back to the librarian saying: "book, bok, bok, bok, boook...

I asked my nephew if he had seen my newspaper

He told me that newspapers were old school. Then he said people use tablets today and handed me his iPad.

That fly didn't stand a chance.

What did the Maxi-Pad say to the fart?

You are the wind beneath my wings.

long. Two cops lead an unfortunate man into a padded cell

Instantly the men in white coats grab him, wrench his arms behind his back and, when he screams in pain, the psychiatrist tears down his trousers and jags him with a needle.

As they're carrying the unconcious body out the younger of the cops, shocked, says:

"Was that really necessary? ...

You get what you paid for

So a little girl is walking on the sidewalk, a car stops and a man says "come in the car, I'll give you candy" the girl says " no, I'll walk"...5 min. later the same car stops again and the man says "I'll take you home, I'll give you a whole bag of chocolate" the girl says "no, I'll just walk home"...

My friend thinks I'm nuts. Says I belong in a padded room.

I said it couldn't hurt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't tampons talk to maxi-pads?

Because they're stuck-up cunts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don’t maxi pads socialise with tampons?

They’re stuck up cunts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As much as I liked that rectal fever thermometer app on the iPhone...

... on the iPad it's a fucking pain in the ass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For the last time, NO! NO! NOOOO!

So, there's this man. He's young, healthy, reasonably attractive, good job, etc.

Only problem is, he has a 25 inch penis. This might might sound great if you're a 12 year old, but it soon becomes the bane of his existence. Every time he meets a nice lady, eventually things lead to the bedroom...

What does a stuntwoman use when she’s on her period?

A crash pad

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend said she wanted a mouse pad for her birthday.

Pretty weird, I thought. Surely that would make her vagina really itchy.

Golf Joke or Not

Moses, Jesus, and a bearded old man are playing golf. Moses drives a long one, which lands on the fairway but rolls directly toward the pond. Moses raises his club, parts the water, and the ball rolls safely to the other side.
Jesus also hits a long one toward the same pond, but just as it’s abou...

The guy is in the hospital on the verge of death,

full of tubes to keep him alive as long as possible. The family calls the priest to give him the final rites. When the priest sits at the head of the dying man, his condition seems to deteriorate rapidly, and he frantically gestures for something to write. The priest gives him a pad and a pen, and t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's a man's idea of safe sex?

A padded headboard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Rented myself a little studio in Glasgow. It's so nice that every girl I've brought back has instantly agreed to sex.

I love my aye pad.

Why can’t girls play hockey?

Because their pads only last one period!

A frog is sitting on a lily pad in the middle of what is clearly a river. He shouts to a toad on the shore, "Hey, look at me, I'm on a lake!" The toad yells back,

"Naw man, you're in de-nile"

Life before the computer:

Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show.

A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu.

A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad wa...

No Corona

Mike had just met Susie.

They went for a dinner and a movie, ending up in his pad.

She had just returned from China. She was jet lagged from the flight, with a mild cough.
The night was fun though.

He met her friend Mary the next weekend.

Mary: Hear about Susie?
...

Why do hockey players wear so many pads?

Because they have 3 periods every game!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bud the Cowboy

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new 2019 AUDI advanced towards him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man named Cliff in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man who had three beautiful girlfriends

A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn't know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover. She told him, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you cause I...

What do you call a feminine hygiene product from the 1800's?

A Period Pad

[OC] What do football (american) players and their cheerleaders have in common?

They all wear pads, but not all the time

Deputy Herbert was patrolling in his car down a road of a small town blanketed in snow one night.

Although it wasn't currently snowing, the temperature was well below freezing. No one would come out unless it was for emergencies. As the policeman rounded a corner, his headlights briefly passed over a vacant lot. Herbert quickly noticed something odd, and reversed his car so his headlights pointe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There’s a fly buzzing over the water.

A frog is sitting on a lily pad and he says if that fly drops three inches I’ll eat him for lunch.
A fish under the water is looking up and he says if that fly drops three inches that frog will jump, then I’ll jump and I’ll eat that frog for lunch.
There’s a bear on the side of the pond and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Newlywed Couple Waited for Marriage to Have Sex...

A couple wanted to wait to have sex until the night of their wedding. As the big day got closer the bride tells the groom she has a confession to make.

"I am as flat as a board. I'm sorry, I have been using the best padded bras on the market to make people believe I actually have breasts. I ...

A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed.

The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the esca...

Are knee pads...

... the perfect gift, for givers?

Flood joke from a catechism

Religious guy's town started flooding, and when the water reached his porch he started praying for help. Suddenly, a divine voice told him, "Bob, you are a good person, I have heard your prayers and I will save you!"

A few minutes later some woman in a small inflatable raft paddled by.
...

Farmer drama

The farmers association are up in arms about a new model of combine harvester that comes with padded seats...

they're worried about reaper cushions

Why did the frog have red legs?

Because it jumped on lily's pad

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street.

Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the b...

What's the difference between a hockey player and a hippie chick?

The hockey player changes his pads after three periods

Three vampires go into a bar

Bartender asks to first vampire that what he would like to drink. First vampire wants a glass of blood. Bartender asks the second vampire the same thing, second vampire wants a glass of blood too. Bartender asks the third vampire and third vampire asks for only a glass of hot water. Bartender supris...

My friend

So, I had this friend called Joe. So we both lived in this little apartment whilst in uni. I also had a girlfriend at the time as well. Joe was an...interesting guy. Funny, helpful, respectful. But he never told me where he was born or grew up. Anyway, one day im out with my girlfriend at a restaura...

"Reddit, reddit."

A chicken walks into a library, goes up to a librarian and says, "Book book book." The librarian decides that the chicken wants a book so he gives the chicken a book and the chicken walks away. About ten minutes later the chicken comes back with the book, looking a bit agitated, saying, "Book book b...

A tourist driving across rural England decided to stay the night in a small town.

The only place with rooms available was a quaint English pub, The George and Dragon, which had a lovingly painted sign with a Knight beside a defeated dragon blowing in the evening breeze.

Entering the bar room, which while empty had a roaring fire against the back wall, leather padded booths...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kermit the frog walks into a bank...

He wants to get a loan and so he speaks to the bank’s loan officer, Mr. Paddywack. Mr. Paddywack asks Kermit how much money he wants to borrow and what is the purpose of the loan. Kermit replies that he needs $5,000 to fix up his lilly pad and to do some other swamp maintenance. Mr. Paddywack is int...

After retiring to a small village in the country, a mathematician soon becomes restless...

One day his wife suggests he pursue his hobby for electronics repair and open a shop. On the first day of business, he places a sign out front that reads “Electronics repair — No Apple products!” His wife inquires: “Why shut out some of your best business? iPhones, iPads, iPods, and iMacs, and some ...

One day, a vampire met God.

God granted him 3 wishes.

Vampire said, “well, always wearing black is too boring, I’d like to be all white. Then, I want to have wings. It feels weird to fly without wings. And most importantly, I want to be able to suck blood all the time.”

So God turned him into a sanitary pad.

A guy walks into a library, goes up to front desk and in quite a loud voice says,.....

"Could I get a yellow chicken curry, a pad thai and two serves of steamed rice please?"

The librarian is a bit shocked, and in a whispered voice that none the less conveys her displeasure with the gent says, "Sir, you need to be quiet, this is a library, not a restaurant!!"

The guy loo...

After years of research and exploration, an Archaeologist discovered an ancient book...

The book was said to answer any question asked of it. Being a professional, the archaeologist took the book back to his prestigious university, which was home to several leaders of certain fields. To research the book's power in a controlled manner, the archaeologist rounds up three of the universit...

A man walks into a bra

Lucky it was padded

A librarian is at work at a public library and sees a chicken walk in...

The chicken walks up to the counter and says "book, book, book, book."

This continues until the librarian passes a book to the chicken who takes it and pushes it out the door.

A few minutes later the chicken comes right back on, pushes the book up to the counter and says "book, book, b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy walks into a dr office complaining about a tennis elbow.

Dr- okay I need you to pee into a cup
Patient- why? It’s my EL-BOW!
Dr- ::sigh:: we have this new machine in back and all it needs is the patients urine and it will diagnose ANYthing. Will you just humor me?

The patient agrees, goes into the bathroom, produces a urine sample, hands the ...

The Princess and the Frog [long]

A beautiful princess had a shiny gold ball that was her prize possession. She would take it with her wherever she would go, gently throwing it in the air while she sang. One day she dropped the ball and it rolled down a hill and into a large pond. The princess ran to the pond and started to cry w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with a small penis finally gathers the courage to talk to a doctor about it.

The man explains his situation, and asks the doctor if there are any over the counter pills he can take.

"Not really, you see, most of these miracle pills don't actually work, and come with a plethora of side effects," the doctor replied. "But, I can write you a prescription that should fix t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wedding night revelations

A very religious couple, who have saved themselves until marriage, rush to their hotel room after the wedding ceremonies.

Before they go in, the bride, embarassed, says:

*-My darling, I have a confession to make... I've been wearing padded bras this whole time, my boobs are so very sma...

What does a frog wear when playing sports?

Lily Pads

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was walking into Best buy...

I was walking into Best Buy when I saw a dwarf walking out carrying a flat screen TV. I asked him, "Are you going to be able to carry that TV by yourself?" He screams back, " Fuck you! It's an iPad!"

A normal day at the Apple store

Me: *Walks into an Apple store.*

Apple employee: Hi, what would you like today?

Me: I got $1000 to buy anything I want.

AE: Then our iPhone XS will be perfect! You can have the power of a computer right in your pocket. You can call, text, browse, play games, and so much more!...

Moses, Jesus, and an old old man are playing golf the other dayyyyy.... [longish]

Moses tees off, and the ball heads straight for the water hazard. *plop*
He walks over and uses his club to part the water, and smacks the ball up to the green. One more stroke gets him the par 3.

Jesus is up next and his ball too, goes straight for the water hazard. Luckily it hovers jus...

A joke from my childhood

Three vampires entered a "special" club. The first vampire is wealthy. The second is middle class, while the third is poor.

The first vampire said to the waiter, "I would like the freshest human blood you have."

The second one said, "A cup of animal blood for me, please."

The th...

Polish women are like goalies.

They both change their pads every 3 periods.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian woman, a French woman and an American woman decides to have a contest on who has the biggest and deepest vagina among them...

The Russian woman went on first and inserted 2 fingers then pulled out her iPad.

The French woman next inserted her fist and pulled out her laptop.

Both women then turned their attention to the American woman who's sheepishly holding a quarter.

The American woman went on inserti...

Why don’t they have iPads in Russia

Because they only have wePads

Son: "Mom! The computer is full of viruses!"

Mom: "Screw the computer! I just won 2 free iPads and a free trip to Paris!"

Fish goes to doctor

Fish goes to doctor. Doctor says, "Hello, sir. What brings you in today?"


The fish replies, "Everything. I hurt my back at work, I have a cold, my eyesight is going, and I have high blood pressure."


The doctor raises his eyebrows, jots down some notes on his clipboard, and says...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Physicist and an Engineer take turns shooting at a deer.

An engineer, a statistician, and a physicist are out hunting. They spot a buck, and each takes a turn to try and bag it.

The physicist goes first. He pulls out his lab book and quickly calculates the trajectory of the bullet, assuming it is a perfect sphere in a vacuum. The bullet falls 20m s...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.