UPJOKE
mattabletlodgingsbolstersloglardembroiderdigstrudgeplodratfootslogfill outblow uppad of paper

What do you call the opposite of an iPad mini?

A maxipad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself
a complete makeover, She told him,
"I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."


The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad, and 80-inch flatscreen television. She said, "I ...

I asked my Granddaughter to hand me the newspaper. She told me newspapers are outdated, and everyone now uses tablets, so she handed me her iPad.

That Fly didn't stand a chance.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A shepherd was herding his flock

in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie,
leaned out the window and asked the shepherd... "If I tell you exactly how
many sheep you have in your flock, ...

I was about to propose to my girlfriend...

... when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now I don't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let's say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.
...

Hockey seems like a women's sport....

It has periods and the players wear pads.

Your momma so fat,

She sat on an iPhone and turned it into an iPad!

A librarian is at work at a pubic library and sees a chicken walk in.

The chicken walks up to the counter and says "book, book, book, book."

This continues until the librarian passes a book to the chicken who takes it and pushes it out the door.

A few minutes later the chicken comes right back on, pushes the book up to the counter and says "book, book, b...

What's the differnce between Donald Trump and an iPad?

Trick question, you shouldn't compare apples and oranges.

Why did the blonde throw her iPad into the ocean?

So she could get it to sync!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor, My husband just can’t have enough sex

A married woman goes to her doctors office and starts complaining: “it’s just too much doctor, my husband just wants to sex me up all the time, in the bed, in the kitchen, in the backyard, after dinner, before breakfast, standing up, sitting down and I can’t take it anymore is there something that I...

My wife wanted me to make her feel special

So I gave her a padded helmet

My wife got a new iPad.

It's a Kotex with 200 songs included.

They're all ragtime, though.

I asked my wife for a newspaper. She said not to be daft and to borrow her iPad.

That spider didn't know what hit it.

An 80 year old man finds a talking frog

An 80 year old man is out by a pond one day when a frog jumps onto a lily pad nearby.

“Excuse me sir,” says the frog, “I know I may appear to be just a frog, but I’m actually a beautiful princess. A witch has placed a curse on me to keep me in this form. The only thing that can break this cu...

The European Union is proposing to build a public toilet in Brussels.

They put the job out to tender. They get in 3 responses.


First in is Hans from Germany. He gets straight to the point. "I'll build it for €30,000."
The Eurocrat behind the desk looks up from his note pad. "Can you give us some more detail, Hans?"
"Ja! €10,000 labour, €10,000 m...

I got an iPad from my chinese friend...

I love homemade gifts!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor pulls out his pad to write when he notices...

...that he’s holding a rectal thermometer. He thinks to himself, “Well, some asshole’s got my pen.”

Kids today are way too expensive. Now days they want iPads and PlayStations.

They used to just get in the van if you offered them candy.

Have you heard about the new padded bra that's on the market?

It's made of Mammary Foam.

A chicken walks into a library, goes up to the desk and says "buk".

So the librarian gives the chicken a book. The chicken walks outside with the book and comes back 5 minutes later without the book.

"Buk, buk" says the chicken again, so the librarian gives it another book, it walks outside and returns with no book.

"Buk, buk" it says, and the same ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The other night, my girlfriend and I were having sex...

The whole time, she kept saying things like, "Oh baby, it's so hot, I'm so hot, babe." I thought, "Man, she's really into it tonight." Afterward, she turns to me and says, "I can't believe we had sex on top of your heating pad."

Weigh station

Once there was a British family that was touring the U.S.A. They were driving on the highway and and saw a sign for a stop! So the mother pulls down the road to a rather peculiar place, and stops when they find themselves on a peculiar looking pad.

A man walk out of the building and explain...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor's...

"What can I help you with?" The doctor asks.

"Actually doctor, it's my wife." He replies, "She's been eating like a fucking horse lately, she needs help."

"Nonsense!" Scolds the doctor. "There's nothing at all wrong with having a healthy appetite, and shame on you for feeling otherwise...

I got a free iPad and iPhone today.

It's like... this gun is magic!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To all new iPad owners.

When you masturbate in front of your new device, make sure to put some porn on its screen to avoid embarrassment.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A menstrual pad goes to school where she got bullied by two tampons

The toilet roll walked up to her and told the menstrual pad “Don’t listen to them, They’re both stuck up cunts”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Canadian Government is considering forcing all large businesses to provide their employees with tampons and pads free of charge.

Businesses say the costs will be tough to absorb....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jewish son calls his mom

Son: Hey mom I am going to come over later today is that good for you?

Mom: of course, but are you coming alone?
Son: yes mom.

Mom: oh but how will you buzz my apartment?

Son: it's not a problem I'll just hit the key pad

Mom: oh but how will you be able to press the f...

One day a frog grew tired of living on a lily pad.

He decided he wanted to get a house. So he went to the bank and asked if he could get a loan for a house. The banker said that he can have a loan if the frog can give some collateral. The frog had no idea what collateral was and asked what it is. The banker said that collateral is when you give the ...

I bought a shabby little place in Bangkok above a nice restaurant.

It was a bad Thai pad, but good pad Thai

I really enjoy snorting brake pad dust

But I'm not addicted, really

I can stop whenever I want to

My girlfriend is like my iPad

i don't have an iPad.

The last time I played tackle football without pads l broke three ribs and a collar bone.

Fortunately, none of them were mine.

I met a woman while walking my dog in the park.

After a few minutes and feeling a little chemistry I asked her to go out for dinner with me.

She agreed and the following evening we met at a decent restaurant. After a nice dinner, a few drinks, and great conversation I invited her back to my place.

We started making out and my hand...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A frog was sitting on a lily pad and saw a fly..

Little did the fly know the frog was thinking "if that fly moves down 4 inches I can grab it".

Little did the frog know a fish was thinking "if that fly moves down 4 inches the frog will grab it and I can eat the frog".

Little did the fish know a bear was thinking "if that fly moves do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Unexpectedly, an artist's wife started having sex with him every day.

Though quite unusual, he didn't question his luck, deciding to just enjoy the ride.

One day, his wife approached him. "Honey? Can you sketch a picture for me?"

"Of course!" he replied. "What should I draw?"

"What you think our baby will look like."

He stared back at her,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't tampons talk to maxi-pads?

Because they're stuck-up cunts.

Caught in the web.

I was visiting my son the other night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

“Dad, this is the 21st century,” he said. “I don’t waste my money on newspapers. But if you like, you can borrow my iPad.”

I can tell you this: That spider never knew what hit him

What do you call it when an Apple fan is watching a 90s movie on a tablet about a dog that plays basketball on their wireless headphones?

They're watching Air Bud on their iPad through their Air Pods earbuds.

I bought some new brake pads imported from Israel

My car can now stop on a dime

My doctor told me I have an unhealthy obsession with iPads.

So he gave me some tablets.

What does your Mom have in common with the word "padded"?

They both have three ds in them.

Once a half wit homeless man saw a lady buying sanitary pads.

Man: X'cuse me ma'am if you could share some of those bread with me I'll be very grateful.


Lady: Sure. I'll come back tomorrow with the jam on it.

The chicken walked into a library...

chicken walked into a public library, marched up to the desk and said, “Bok, bok , bok, bok.”

So, the librarian handed the bird a book, the chicken accepted it and then left.

Ten minutes later, the chicken returned, threw the book on the desk and said, “Bok, bok, bok, bok.”

Once...

What did the Maxi-Pad say to the fart?

You are the wind beneath my wings.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You ladies who only use tampons should really give pads a try. I'll even send you a sample for free.

No strings attached

I just named my iPad "The Titanic"

...so when it syncs, iTunes tells me "The Titanic is syncing."

Why don’t they have iPads in Russia

Because they only have wePads

I asked a young girl, "How do you get all these expensive things? New iMac, iPad, iPhone?!"

She smiled and said, "iSwallow."

My favorite “And that’s when the fight started” joke!

A drunk man comes home to his wife and stands swayingly before her. She sees that his pants are ripped, his legs are bloody and he has bruises on his knuckles. Odd though, everything above his waist seems perfectly fine.

Wife: Oh no… What’s happened to you this time?

Husband: It was no...

long. Two cops lead an unfortunate man into a padded cell

Instantly the men in white coats grab him, wrench his arms behind his back and, when he screams in pain, the psychiatrist tears down his trousers and jags him with a needle.

As they're carrying the unconcious body out the younger of the cops, shocked, says:

"Was that really necessary? ...

Why the new Apple Pencil isn't included with the new iPad Pro.

There is no point.

What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad?

A pineapple

Apparently 30 percent of under-6's in the U.S know how to use an iPad.

Whereas 100 percent of under-6's in China know how to make one.

A frog is sitting on a lily pad in the middle of what is clearly a river. He shouts to a toad on the shore, "Hey, look at me, I'm on a lake!" The toad yells back,

"Naw man, you're in de-nile"

I was thinking of buying the black iPad mini..

Apparently, it runs faster.

Why did the blonde put her iPad in the blender?

She wanted apple juice.

My friend thinks I'm nuts. Says I belong in a padded room.

I said it couldn't hurt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don’t maxi pads socialise with tampons?

They’re stuck up cunts.

A census taker

An old man was sitting on his porch, when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand.

"What are you selling, young man?" he asked.

"I'm not selling anything, sir," the young man replied. "I'm the census taker."

"A what?" the man asked.

"A census taker. We...

What's the difference between a hockey player and a hippie chick?

Hockey players take thier pads off after three periods.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A frog goes into a bank to get a loan. The frog hops up on the counter and the lady at the counter introduces herself.

Mrs. Wack “Hello my names Mrs. wack what do you want today?”

Frog “ I want a loan”

Mrs. Wack “I don’t know if you can get a loan. You’re a frog. What’s your name?”

Frog “Kermit”

Mrs. Wack “You’re not Kermit the frog.”

Kermit “ No No No, I was named after him. My na...

13 blackberries and 5 iPads walk into a bar...

They leave hammered

What did the two iPhones say to the two iPads?

"Want to get kinky and have a 4G?"

Why don't they use Macs/iPads in hospitals?

Because using an Apple a day keeps the doctors away.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with a 25 inch penis...

Was having a hard time getting laid so he goes to the doctor. The doctor said “No, I’m sorry but you will have to go to a surgeon”. The man goes to the surgeon and the surgeon said “ Sorry there’s nothing I can do but you can try a witch doctor”. So the man thought at this point he might as well giv...

iPad

Apple will be unveiling a larger iPad.

Proctor & Gamble is set to file suit over trademark infringements over Apple's new Max iPad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Sensitive Man

A man and a woman meet in a singles bar. They chat, they click, they connect. The fellow proposes that they continue their discussion over drinks at his place. The woman agrees.

They arrive at his apartment, and the woman is genuinely pleasantly surprised to see that, unlike a lot of bache...

Life before the computer:

Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show.

A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu.

A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad wa...

I'd rather have a laptop than an iPad.

At least you can slam it shut when your lady walks in.

Are knee pads...

... the perfect gift, for givers?

Mike Pence and Donald Trump walk into a steakhousehouse...

After a long night of campaigning in Nebraska Donald Trump and Mike Pence end up at Outback Steakhouse, where they are seated alone.

The waiter approaches with pen and pad, and asks "What can I get for you gentlemen tonight?"

"I'll take the New York Strip, well done. Can't stand the s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Newlywed Couple Waited for Marriage to Have Sex...

A couple wanted to wait to have sex until the night of their wedding. As the big day got closer the bride tells the groom she has a confession to make.

"I am as flat as a board. I'm sorry, I have been using the best padded bras on the market to make people believe I actually have breasts. I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whoever said technology will replace paper

..has obviously never tried to wipe their ass with an iPad!

You get what you paid for

So a little girl is walking on the sidewalk, a car stops and a man says "come in the car, I'll give you candy" the girl says " no, I'll walk"...5 min. later the same car stops again and the man says "I'll take you home, I'll give you a whole bag of chocolate" the girl says "no, I'll just walk home"...

My buddy was bragging about his Airpods...

He found it amazing that they seamlessly connect from his iPhone to his iPad when he changes devices. I told him that my Jabra does a pretty good job, but it doesn't always get it right because it's connecting to Android, Windows, and iOS devices so it's not an apples to Apples comparison.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For the last time, NO! NO! NOOOO!

So, there's this man. He's young, healthy, reasonably attractive, good job, etc.

Only problem is, he has a 25 inch penis. This might might sound great if you're a 12 year old, but it soon becomes the bane of his existence. Every time he meets a nice lady, eventually things lead to the bedroom...

I have Apple appliances in every room of my home.

In addition everyone in my household owns an iPhone, iPad or both. We are pretty diligent about keeping all of the devices synchronized with each other. All, except for some reason, the kitchen.

I guess you could say, everything but the kitchen’s synch’d.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.