The 47+ Best Pad Jokes - ↑UPJOKE↑

I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly didn’t stand a chance.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To all new iPad owners.

When you masturbate in front of your new device, make sure to put some porn on its screen to avoid embarrassment.

I got an iPad from my chinese friend...

I love homemade gifts!

What's the differnce between Donald Trump and an iPad?

Trick question, you shouldn't compare apples and oranges.

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A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself
a complete makeover, She told him,
"I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad and an 80-inch flatscreen television. She said,"I bought th...

I asked my wife for a newspaper. She said not to be daft and to borrow her iPad.

That spider didn't know what hit it.

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Why can't an orphan use an iPad?

He/She won't find the home button.

My niece just showed me a picture of her new girlfriend dressed in hockey gear, pads, mask and all

I said "She looks like a keeper"

What did the Maxi Pad say to the fart?

You are the wind beneath my wings.

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend...

...when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries....

I got a free iPad and iPhone today.

It's like... this gun is magic!!!

What is the padding in a pushup bra made from?

Mammory Foam

What do you call the opposite of an iPad mini?

A maxipad.

Kids today are way too expensive. Now days they want iPads and PlayStations.

They used to just get in the van if you offered them candy.

My girlfriend is like my iPad

i don't have an iPad.

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Why don't tampons talk to maxi-pads?

Because they're stuck-up cunts.

An 80 year old man finds a talking frog

An 80 year old man is out by a pond one day when a frog jumps onto a lily pad nearby.

“Excuse me sir,” says the frog, “I know I may appear to be just a frog, but I’m actually a beautiful princess. A witch has placed a curse on me to keep me in this form. The only thing that can break this cu...

Why did the blonde throw her iPad into the ocean?

So she could get it to sync!

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A doctor pulls out his pad to write when he notices...

...that he’s holding a rectal thermometer. He thinks to himself, “Well, some asshole’s got my pen.”

Life before the computer:

Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show.

A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu.

A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad wa...

A chicken walks into a library, goes up to the desk and says "buk".

So the librarian gives the chicken a book. The chicken walks outside with the book and comes back 5 minutes later without the book.

"Buk, buk" says the chicken again, so the librarian gives it another book, it walks outside and returns with no book.

"Buk, buk" it says, and the same ...

A librarian is at work at a public library and sees a chicken walk in...

The chicken walks up to the counter and says "book, book, book, book."

This continues until the librarian passes a book to the chicken who takes it and pushes it out the door.

A few minutes later the chicken comes right back on, pushes the book up to the counter and says "book, book, b...

My wife got a new iPad.

It's a Kotex with 200 songs included.

They're all ragtime, though.

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A menstrual pad goes to school where she got bullied by two tampons

The toilet roll walked up to her and told the menstrual pad “Don’t listen to them, They’re both stuck up cunts”

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The Canadian Government is considering forcing all large businesses to provide their employees with tampons and pads free of charge.

Businesses say the costs will be tough to absorb....

Have you heard about the new padded bra that's on the market?

It's made of Mammary Foam.

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A frog was sitting on a lily pad and saw a fly..

Little did the fly know the frog was thinking "if that fly moves down 4 inches I can grab it".

Little did the frog know a fish was thinking "if that fly moves down 4 inches the frog will grab it and I can eat the frog".

Little did the fish know a bear was thinking "if that fly moves do...

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Unexpectedly, an artist's wife started having sex with him every day.

Though quite unusual, he didn't question his luck, deciding to just enjoy the ride.

One day, his wife approached him. "Honey? Can you sketch a picture for me?"

"Of course!" he replied. "What should I draw?"

"What you think our baby will look like."

He stared back at her,...

A cop pulls over an old couple…

Asks for license and registration and asks do you know how fast you were going sir?

- husband: “gee officer Im not sure”
- wife: 85 mph officer, he passed several signs before you pulled him over”
The husband then looks the wife with the corner of his eye obviously upset

The poli...

I just named my iPad "The Titanic"

...so when it syncs, iTunes tells me "The Titanic is syncing."

The last time I played tackle football without pads l broke three ribs and a collar bone.

Fortunately, none of them were mine.

A frog is sitting on a lily pad in the middle of what is clearly a river. He shouts to a toad on the shore, "Hey, look at me, I'm on a lake!" The toad yells back,

"Naw man, you're in de-nile"

One day a frog grew tired of living on a lily pad.

He decided he wanted to get a house. So he went to the bank and asked if he could get a loan for a house. The banker said that he can have a loan if the frog can give some collateral. The frog had no idea what collateral was and asked what it is. The banker said that collateral is when you give the ...

I was thinking of buying the black iPad mini..

Apparently, it runs faster.

My doctor told me I have an unhealthy obsession with iPads.

So he gave me some tablets.

I bought some new brake pads imported from Israel

My car can now stop on a dime

I asked a young girl, "How do you get all these expensive things? New iMac, iPad, iPhone?!"

She smiled and said, "iSwallow."

What does your Mom have in common with the word "padded"?

They both have three ds in them.

Why don’t they have iPads in Russia

Because they only have wePads

Once a half wit homeless man saw a lady buying sanitary pads.

Man: X'cuse me ma'am if you could share some of those bread with me I'll be very grateful.

Lady: Sure. I'll come back tomorrow with the jam on it.

What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad?

A pineapple

Why did the blonde put her iPad in the blender?

She wanted apple juice.

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You ladies who only use tampons should really give pads a try. I'll even send you a sample for free.

No strings attached

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My girlfriend said she wanted a mouse pad for her birthday.

Pretty weird, I thought. Surely that would make her vagina really itchy.

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I was walking into Best Buy...

When I saw a dwarf walking out carrying a flat screen TV. I asked him, "Are you going to be able to carry that TV by yourself?" He screams back, " Fuck you! It's an iPad!"

My friend thinks I'm nuts. Says I belong in a padded room.

I said it couldn't hurt.

Apparently 30 percent of under-6's in the U.S know how to use an iPad.

Whereas 100 percent of under-6's in China know how to make one.

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