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Shoulder Jokes

So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

"What a nice lady", I thought, while happ...

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A taxi passenger taps his driver on the shoulder...

The driver absolutely shits himself in panic, swerves, misses two people, mounts the pavement and parks inches from a shop window.

" me!" says the passenger, "you're jumpy, aren't you? I only tapped you on the shoulder!"


"Sorry about that" replies the driver. "It's my first ...

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.

He asks for a coke and a mango juice for his newt Tiny.

The bartender asks “Why is he called Tiny?”

And the man replies “Because he’s my newt!”

I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, "What's his name!?”

Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!"

My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?”

I explained, “Because...he’s my newt!"

A Mexican guy comes riding up to the border on his bicycle with two big sacks over his shoulders.

He tells the border guard that the sacks are full of sand, but the guard doesn’t believe him.

The guard detains the guy, and rips open the bags, but there’s nothing but sand.

He even has the sand analyzed, only to find that it really is just sand. And the sack is just a plain sack. <...

A black guy walks into a bar with a huge parrot on his shoulder.

Barman says “Oh wow I’ve never seen one like that before, where did you get him from?”

Parrot says “Africa, there’s loads of them over there”

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Another oldie...

A man was getting a haircut prior to taking a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded,
“Why would you want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty — and full of Italians! You’re crazy to go to Rome!"
“So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking United,” was the reply....

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window. 

For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, "Look, mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"

The p...

A man walked into a bar with a newt on his shoulder...

The bartender remarked at the newt. "What's the newt's name?" he asked. "Tiny," replied the man.

"Why would you name the newt tiny?"
The man replied "Because he's *my newt.*"

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What do you call naked men standing on each other’s shoulders?

A scrotum pole.

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I was at the bar waiting to finally meet a girl that I'd been chatting with on the internet when I got a tap on the shoulder.

“Are you Steve?" the woman asked with a smile.

“You're gorgeous!" I burst out in delight. "Yes, I am Steve.”

“Great," she replied. "There's some fat over there looking for you!"

Why did Peter put Icy-Hot on his sore shoulder?

For Pete’s ache.

In a surprising announcement, Head & Shoulders have decided to discontinue their popular anti dandruff shampoo line.

The decision left many scratching their heads.

A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?” “Tiny” the man replies. “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?”



"Because…He’s my newt.

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I started by running my hand across her shoulders and the small of her back…

I ran my hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.

Then, I proceeded to run my hand gently down her side, sliding my hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

I continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

M...

A Jewish gentleman walks into a New York bar with a frog on his shoulder.

The bartender looks up and says, "Hey, where'd ya find that?"

The frog replies, "Brooklyn, there's thousands of em".

Bob returned from a Doctor's visit and told his wife Alma that the Doctor said he only had 24 hours to live

*Bob returned from a Doctor's visit and told his wife Alma that the Doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.*

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Bob went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I ...

I was feeling depressed so my wife came, put her hand on my shoulder, and said “Earth”

That meant the world to me.

The police pulled up beside me and my Yamaha on the hard shoulder of the Motorway today.

Apparently it’s not the place to play a keyboard.

Head & Shoulders

A Blonde and a Brunette on an elevator going to the first floor. A good looking guy wearing all black gets in the elevator and gets off in the 2nd floor, before the guy exits the elevator, the Brunette notices that he has dandruff on his shoulders. When the door closes the brunette tells the blonde....

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders minced pork shoulder and ham, pressed it into a block and served in a can.

POST REMOVED

**Rule 3 - No Spam posts.**

People don't like me reading over their shoulder on trains

And that's ridiculous because I'm not even that loud and I do all the voices.

Eminem walked into a bar with a rare parrot - a blue-throated macaw - on his shoulder

The bartender says “hey, that’s really cool - where did you get it?”

The parrot said, “Detroit”

People think that just because I grew up in the ghetto back in the 80s, i should walk around carrying a big ol' boom box on my shoulder.

But I refuse to go with that stereotype.

The fact that Head and Shoulders....

Hasn't made a bodywash called Knees and Toes, really bothers me.

I'm not sure if my girlfriend is mad at me. She was rubbing my shoulders but started poking me with needles.

I was getting mixed massages.

"Twelve thousand, two hundred and fourteen, "twelve thousand, two hundred and fifteen..." my daughter continued as she sat on my shoulders.

I regret telling her she'd always be able to count on me.

Donald Trump was walking through Manhattan and saw a long queue. Wondering what is was for, he joined it.

People would look over their shoulder, see that is was Donald Trump behind them, and leave the queue, so he would proceed closer and closer to the front.
As he was getting closer to the head of the queue, he asked one guy, who also looked and was about to walk away, "Wait a second, what is this...

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A gambler dies and goes to Heaven...

A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm. When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on t...

A man walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder.

He goes up to the barman and says 'I'll have a pint please and a gin and tonic for Tiny here' The barman starts making the drinks and asks 'Why do you call him Tiny?' The guy says 'Because he's my newt'

My brother was murdered today

cop: do you mind identifying the body \[puts hand on my shoulder\] I have to warn you the body was hacked up.

me: \[tearing up\] yes that's my brother Reese.

cop: you're sure?

me: \[nodding\] those are Reese's Pieces.

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Just caught a disgusting pervert on the bus.

He was watching over my shoulder.

A Hunter

A man goes hunting and runs into a bear. He takes dead aim and fires. When the smoke clears, he sees no bear. The bear taps him on the shoulder and says: bend over or I eat you. The next year, the hunter brings a bear gun, sees the very same bear, takes dead aim and fires. When the smoke clears, the...

When the young husband reached home from the office he found his wife in tears.

"Oh, John," she sobbed on his shoulder. "I had baked a lovely cake and put it out on the back porch for the frosting to dry and the dog ate it!"

"Well, don't cry about it, sweetheart," he consoled, patting the pretty flushed cheek. "I know a man who will give us another dog."


...

My boyfriend has dandruff.

"My boyfriend has dandruff. What's the best way to remove it?" I texted my mother.

She replied, "Just give him Head & Shoulders."

20 minutes later.

I texted my mother back, "Okay. Now how do I give the shoulders?"

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Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One of the guys said he was going to bug him.

He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a real .”

“Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.”

Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a and he didn't care!"

"You just don't ...

What do you call arranging two pigs shoulder to shoulder?

Parallel porking

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I was having with my girlfriend when I felt a weird tap on my shoulder...

I hate having in the bath.

A local store recently had an incident where a dwarf was spotted standing on the shoulders of two vampires and hiding merchandise beneath their cloaks.

He's being charged with shoplifting on 2 counts.

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers.

He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows ba...

Guy crosses the border on a bicycle with two bags over his shoulder

The guard stops him and asks:
"What's in the bags?"
"Nothing but sand sir"
So he examines the bags and indeed nothing but sand.
"Ok you're clear move on"
Two weeks later, same thing.
So this guy goes on for months, every two weeks same bags, same sand and they find nothing and i...

Small, skinny man is sitting in a pub...

There is a beer in front of him. A macho, muscular man enters the pub, taps him on the shoulder and drinks his beer! The skinny man starts crying. The big man:

\- Oh, stop crying, baby. That's just one beer...

The small man:

\- Okay, listen! Today my wife left me, my bank accoun...

How do you call the area between shoulder and hand?

Punchline.

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A tall man walks into a bar, with a tiny man standing on his shoulder.

... and orders a beer. As soon as he sits down at the counter the tiny man hops off his shoulder and starts walking around. It is just a bit taller than a pint of beer, and dressed in a sports jersey. It walks over to the guy right to him, chugs his beer in one go, bumps his fist into the guys shoul...

A man walks into a bar with a small man on his shoulder

He slaps down 5 $100 dollar bills and yells "drinks for everyone". A cheer goes up. The bartender goes up and down the bar filling drinks. The little man jumps off his shoulder and runs up and down the bar kicking over all the drinks. The man shakes his head and slaps down another $500 "drinks f...

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A well known fighter was drinking at a bar

When an old man walks in, taps him on the shoulder and says "I just fucked your mother! Whatcha gonna do about it, big man?". The music stops, the patrons turn to look, but the fighter says nothing and keeps drinking. The old man gets frustrated and leaves in a huff.

Later, the old man comes...

My music snob friend told me that The Doors had a lacklustre rhythm section. I asked him why he would say that, and he just shrugged his shoulders.

I told him I’m sick of hearing these bassless accusations.

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Don't ever tapp my shoulder

A man took a taxi home from work one day. During the ride he tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver panicked and the car swirled unto the curb and almost crashed through a store window.

\- Don’t ever do that! The driver shouted.

\- I'm sorry, said the man...

A man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder....

The man says to the bartender, "I bet you $100 bucks my parrot can recite the Gettysburg Address!" The parrot squawks a bit and flaps its wings. Furious, the man pays the bartender and returns home.

When they get home the man berates the parrot for failing to perform and the parrot responds, ...

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My wife tapped me on the shoulder and complained that Susan was keeping her awake.

"Who the is Susan?" I asked.

She said, "You tell me. You were the one sleep talking."

Head and shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, head and shoulders, knees and toes, and eyes and ears and mouth and nose...

Hey mate, I undestand, that you need to blow off some steam while cleaning the accident consequences of a train with the buss full of seniors, but for god's sake, could you sing something else?

Whenever my wife is upset I let her colour in my black and white tattoos.

Sometimes she needs a shoulder to crayon.

A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man asks “May I place my hand on your shoulder?” “Sure” she replies *places hands on her shoulder*

“Thank you. that’s is really touching” she said

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I hurt my shoulder using the churner so I stopped immediately...

...it's a little bit butter now

My obese parrot died today...

Sad, but its a huge weight off my shoulders

This girl wants to get me fired for giving her “inappropriate” shoulder rubs...

Good luck with that, I don’t even work there.

Asked 100 women what shampoo they were using. 2 said Head and Shoulders

The other 98 replied "How did you get in here?"

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If a bra is an over-the-shoulder-Boulder-holder, what do you call a jock strap?

An under-the--nut-hut!

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An old holocaust survivor dies and gets into heaven

He seeks out God and asks him: "Hey God, I've heard this really funny joke on earth. Do you want to hear it?"

God smiles serenly and answers: "Yes, my son, please tell it to me."

The jew grins and says: "How do you get the number of a girl in Auschwitz? You look on her arm!"

God...

Shoulder came out of my socket while locating for a lost blunt...

Call that a Dislocated joint

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with the priest's wife

Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says ...
"I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"
The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees.
After mass, Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to k...

You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles.

If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.

Not a single person at those Memorial Day swim parties in Missouri was social distancing. They were packed in there, shoulder-to-shoulder, splashing around, making a...

...second wave pool.

Father: *places hand on shoulder* My son.....

*Son: Yes father?
*Father: Check out this cool severed hand I just found!

editted for format, which I at apparently

Two mathematicians are in a bar

The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the w...

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A man walks into the bar with a monkey on his shoulder

He sits at the bar and orders a beer. As the bartender is pouring his beer the monkey jumps off his shoulder and proceeds to eat everything in sight.

He eats all the bowls of mixed nuts, eats all the popcorn, jumps over the bar and eats all the marschianno cherries and all the green olives. ...

What do you call a vampire’s shoulder blade?

Count Scapula

A blind man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder...

...the bartender says, "Hey man, what's with the parrot?"

The man says, "It's my seeing-eye parrot."

The bartender says, "You know, most people use dogs right?"

The man replies, "Yeah, but do you know how hard it is to get one of those to stay on your shoulder?"

After days of getting the cold shoulder from his wife, Larry finally confronted her.

"Admit it," he said. "The only reason you married me is because my grandfather left me a million dollars."

"Don't be ridiculous!" she shot back. "I don't care who left the money with you."

A huge bloke decked in full hunting gear and with an entire dead wildebeest over his shoulder made his way to Nairobi airport.

As he approached the desk the airline attendant noted the wildebeest carcass but more alarmingly noticed that the suitcase he was dragging was bulging sporadically and clearly contained something large and very much alive. Feeling slightly nervous but determined to do his job the attendant challeng...

This Texan walks a bar and taps an Irishman on the shoulder...

This Texan walks a bar and taps an Irishman on the shoulder. He says, "I hear tell you Irishmen are hard drinkers. Well, I'll bet you ten bucks ya'll can't do this."

The guy orders ten beers, then gulps them all down, one after the other. When he's finished, he turns to the Irishman and says,...

I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so…

I quickly followed her. As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus. So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!"
She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too. As I walked to the back of the bus...

How do all black jokes begin?

With a look over your shoulder.

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders

I hate necks

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog with him.

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it's sitting in the seat next to him.

He thinks it's unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it's not a distraction he won't mention it.

The movie starts and pretty soo...

Why do geese use Head&Shoulders shampoo?

What’s good for the goose is good for dander

Someone tapped me on the shoulder and said, "You gothic right now"

Too bad that person was Mike Tyson

A white scientist is studying a tribe in Africa

A white scientist is studying an African tribe.

One day, the tribe leaders wife has a white son.

The tribe leader approaches the scientist soon after.

"Well, we both know what happened here. No one else could have done it. You slept with my wife, I have to kill you." The tribe l...

A man walks into a bar with blood pouring out of his shoulder...

"Can I have a beer?" the man asks.

"Jesus Christ, dude!" the bartender exclaims. "What happened to you?!"

"Some guy across the street chopped my arm off with a sword," the man replies.

"With a sword???" the bartender says in awe. "So why the hell did you come in here?!?"

...

A blonde and a brunette are on an elevator...

And a short man with dandruff gets on and then comes off on the next floor.


The brunette goes, "Wow, that guy could really use some Head and Shoulders."

The blonde says, "How do you give shoulders?"




No offense anyone...hehe

Whenever my artist girlfriend is sad I let her draw things on my body.

I gave her a shoulder to crayon.

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I smoked my first pork shoulder this weekend. I hope I'm saying that right.

"I finally popped my cherry" means something else, apparently.

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A British Jew is to be knighted by the King.

He is to kneel in front of him and recite a sentence in Latin when he taps him on the shoulders with his sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which...

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A guy goes into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.

The guy is a black man from Nigeria and is wearing the colorful ceremonial garb from his native land. The bartender says, “What an exquisite creature! Where did you get it?” “Africa,” replies the parrot.

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A Scottish woman walks into a store. She has a shopping for a .

The clerk shows her a white one. She declines it. He shows her a black . She declines it again. She looks over his shoulder and asks how much the tartan is. He replies “Ma’am, that is my thermos”.

A man with a monkey on his shoulder enters the bar.

While he's sipping his drink at the bar, the monkey jumps around to eat everything he finds. He jumps on a pool table and swallows a billiard ball. The bartender shouts "did you see what monkey did?"
"No, what did he do?" the man asks.
"He swallowed my billiard ball!" says thr bartender. ...

What do you call a parasite that keeps looking over its' shoulder?

A nervous tick.

A guy got very upset with me because I was looking over his shoulder reading the article he was reading on his phone.

I said "Relax... there's plenty of room in this handicapped stall for the both of us."

A rugby player turns up at A&E with a discolated shoulder

A doctor and a couple of burly assistants are trying to wrestle it back into place and the rugby player is letting them know how uncomfortable the entire procedure is. After a while a passing matron leans in and says "Really, sir, there's a young lady having a baby just down the corridor and she's n...

A man enters a bar with a parrot on his shoulder

When he has taken a seat, he says: I’d like a beer, please. The parrot says: and for me a cola! The man gets his beer and the parrot is ignored. After the man finishes his beer, he asks for a second one and the parrot asks again for a cola. But the bartender is getting sick of the parrot and warns t...

A man walks into a bar with a blue bird of happiness on one shoulder and a leprachaun on the other

He walks up to the bar, hands over a thousand dollars, orders three scotch and waters, buys drinks for the entire bar and tells the manager to keep the change. The man drinks his scotch and water, the blue bird drinks his but the leprachaun downs his drink in one gulp, throws the glass and smashes t...
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