A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?” “Tiny” the man replies. “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?”

"Because…He’s my newt.

A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder

The bartender says "Wow, where'd you get that?" and the parrot says "Africa, there's millions of 'em there".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question about the city.

The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops the car inches before it crashes through the front of a store window. Both men sit completely silent until the driver turns and says, “Look man, don’t ever do that to me again. You scared the crap o...

At the movie theater, a girl returning to her seat taps the shoulder of the man in the last seat in the row.

“Excuse me,” she says, “but did I step on your toe on the way to the bathroom?”

​

“As a matter of fact, you did,” says the man, expecting an apology.

​

“Oh good,” says the girl, “then this is my row.”

The adult version of "Head, shoulders, knees and toes" is

"Wallet, glasses, keys and phone"

My dad always put his hands on my shoulders to comfort me

But it didn't really work when I lost my virginity.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call 20 naked men sitting on top of each other's shoulders?

A scrotum pole.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I started by running my hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. I ran my hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, I proceeded to run my hand gently down her side, sliding my hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist...

I continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

My hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

My gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time my wife was becom...

A man with a monkey on his shoulder enters the bar.

While he's sipping his drink at the bar, the monkey jumps around to eat everything he finds. He jumps on a pool table and swallows a billiard ball. The bartender shouts "did you see what monkey did?"
"No, what did he do?" the man asks.
"He swallowed my billiard ball!" says thr bartender. ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A tall man walks into a bar, with a tiny man standing on his shoulder.

... and orders a beer. As soon as he sits down at the counter the tiny man hops off his shoulder and starts walking around. It is just a bit taller than a pint of beer, and dressed in a sports jersey. It walks over to the guy right to him, chugs his beer in one go, bumps his fist into the guys shoul...

What's worse than the doctor putting his hand on your shoulder during a prostate exam?

The doctor putting two hands on your shoulders during a prostate exam.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask a question...

A passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask a question.

​

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, missed a biker, scraped a fire hydrant, and stopped just 3 centimetres from a department store shop window.

...

Overweight people always seem to have a chip on their shoulder

And several in their laps and at the floor around their feet and chip crumbs around their mouth too

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little...

What do you call arranging two pigs shoulder to shoulder?

Parallel porking

I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, "What's his name!?”

Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!"

My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?”

I explained, “Because...he’s my newt!"

So a guy walks into a bar with a salamander on his shoulder

The bartender goes, “Hey, why do you have a salamander on your shoulder?”

The guy says, “He comes with me everywhere”.

The bartender asks, “Well what’s his name?”

The guy replies, “Tiny. Because he’s minute.”

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder...

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder, he orders a pint of beer for himself and a saucer of milk for Tiny. The barman fetches the drinks and places them on the bar. The man starts to drink the pint and the newt laps up the milk. Upon seeing this the barman asks the man "Why do you call ...

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My wife walked in on me while I was wearing only a towel around my shoulders.

“I’m count Dickula,” I said. “And unlike my infamous cousin, I want you to suck ME dry.”

She left.

A man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder....

The man says to the bartender, "I bet you $100 bucks my parrot can recite the Gettysburg Address!" The parrot squawks a bit and flaps its wings. Furious, the man pays the bartender and returns home.

When they get home the man berates the parrot for failing to perform and the parrot responds, ...

Did you know Paul walker had real bad dandruff before he died?

Nobody else knew until they found his head and shoulders in the glove box.

A man walks into a bar with a blue bird of happiness on one shoulder and a leprachaun on the other

He walks up to the bar, hands over a thousand dollars, orders three scotch and waters, buys drinks for the entire bar and tells the manager to keep the change. The man drinks his scotch and water, the blue bird drinks his but the leprachaun downs his drink in one gulp, throws the glass and smashes t...

Whats a cannibal's favorite type of shampoo?

Head and shoulders!

Head & Shoulders should make a body wash

And call it "Knees & Toes"

A Rabbi walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder...

The bartender asks, “Hey buddy, where did you get that?”
The frog responds, “Brooklyn, they’re all over the place!”

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.

He asks for a coke and a mango juice for his newt Tiny.

The bartender asks “Why is he called Tiny?”

And the man replies “Because he’s my newt!”

My daughter walked out of her circus class with a unicycle over her shoulder - the instructor wants her to learn it.

I told her that's good because she won't get two tired.

(True story. My daughter does take circus class at the local gymnastics place, and she did walk out with a unicycle given by her instructor. I was obligated to respond with the proper level of dad-jokery.)

I was freezing out in the middle of the woods when I stumbled upon a mean-looking hunter sat by a campfire...

He was roasting his fresh kill feet first and the smell had me salivating for a bit of that tasty grub.

He gave me a dirty look and made it clear he didn't want to share any.

I begged him for a bite to help me warm up but he just gave me the cold shoulder.

I have a tattoo of a Russet potato on my right shoulder, and of a Sweet Potato on my left.

They are my Tater Tats

A man walks into a bar and spies two lovely women sitting by the entrance. As he walks towards the bar, he sees one tap the other shoulder and point at him. She looks him up and down and says "9", followed by giggling.

The man goes over to his buddy and boasts that the two lovely ladies by the
entrance had said he was a 9.

"Yeah, sorry man, but when I walked in they were speaking German."

I was taking a shower, and I heard this really loud, obnoxious singing near my shoulder.

It was a soap opera.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants, a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder.

The bartender says “Hey you got a steering wheel on your pants”
The pirate says “Arrr, I know, it’s driving me nuts!!”

Bloke walking down the road with a coffin on his shoulder.

Stops at a house and knocks on the door. “Hello,” he says to the bloke opening the door, “Is this the wife swapping party?”

I was so late to the cannibal banquet

They just gave me the cold shoulder

So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

"What a nice lady", I thought, while happily munc...

How do all black jokes begin?

With a look over your shoulder.

Last Halloween, Schwarzenegger, while carrying a piano over his shoulders, throws me an organ.

"What's this for?" I say.

He replies, "I'll be Bach.

And you be Beethoven."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The day I met ET. I was minding my own business waiting for the bus when this weirdo sits next to me and pokes me on the shoulder.

"Stop it, will you!" I said. He does it again and I was about to slap the silly grin of his face, but he raised his hand and said there was no need for violence, he was a stranger from a different planet and came to study earthlings.

"Prove it" I said, and he opens his jacket and there are gi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder...

Sits down and orders a beer. The monkey jumps off, runs over to the pool table, grabs the cue ball and swallows it.

Barman says "Dude, your monkey just swallowed my cue ball!"

"Yeah he swallows things all the time, sorry about that. I'll pay for the loss."

The rest of the night ...

People think that just because I grew up in the ghetto back in the 80s, i should walk around carrying a big ol' boom box on my shoulder.

But I refuse to go with that stereotype.

A black guy walks into a bar with a huge parrot on his shoulder. Bartender says ‘that’s so cool, that’s the neatest thing I’ve ever seen. Where’d you get that?’

The parrot says ‘I got him in Africa, there’s tons of them.’

Asked 100 women what shampoo they were using. 2 said Head and Shoulders

The other 98 replied "How did you get in here?"

A man was arrested for stealing while standing on the shoulders of two vampires

He was charged with shoplifting on two counts

This girl wants to get me fired for giving her “inappropriate” shoulder rubs...

Good luck with that, I don’t even work there.

I decided to shave from my shoulder down to my wrists.

I wanted to exercise my right to bare arms.

Slightly peeved that the makers of the shampoo "Head and Shoulders"...

…have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An over the shoulder stare followed by a seductive wink is one of the sexiest things in the world.

Not during a rectal exam though!

Someone tapped me on the shoulder today then did a double-take and said, "Sorry, I thought you were someone else!"

I said, "I am."

Guy crosses the border on a bicycle with two bags over his shoulder

The guard stops him and asks:
"What's in the bags?"
"Nothing but sand sir"
So he examines the bags and indeed nothing but sand.
"Ok you're clear move on"
Two weeks later, same thing.
So this guy goes on for months, every two weeks same bags, same sand and they find nothing and i...

A hideously ugly man with a parrot on his shoulder walk into a bar...

The bartender asks "does the animal speak?"
The parrot replies "I don't know."

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.

The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay
fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to
sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his
wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have
a...

You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles.

If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a black man in a ghetto walking around with a boombox on his shoulders?

A stereotype

I was walking along the road when a tile fell off a roof and just missed my shoulder.

It hit my head.

The priest's wife

Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says ... "I'm sleeping with the Priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass, Bob starts talking to the Priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to kee...

What do you get when a brewmaster punches you lightly on the shoulder?

Microbruise

I hurt my shoulder and doctor told me i shouldn't lift anything heavy.

So i'm forced to sit down when i pee.

A man walks down the street with a large pole on his shoulder

A person across the street asks:
"Are you a pole vaulter"
(With a strong German accent): "No, I'm a German but how did you know my name is Walter?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was having sex with my girlfriend when I felt a weird tap on my shoulder...

I hate having sex in the bath.

A man was walking down the street with a long pipe on his shoulder when somebody came up to him and said 'Excuse me, are you a Pole Vaulter?'

He replied, 'No I'm German, but how did you know my name?'.

John Wick stabbed a guy in the shoulder.

He was left with a bad shoulder blade.

What does a Soldier and a Shoulder have in common?

They both have access to arms.

A blonde and a brunette are on an elevator...

And a short man with dandruff gets on and then comes off on the next floor.


The brunette goes, "Wow, that guy could really use some Head and Shoulders."

The blonde says, "How do you give shoulders?"




No offense anyone...hehe

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Fer...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

TIL that my Head & Shoulders shampoo's proven HydraZinc formula fights dandruff from the first wash, removing visible flakes and residues, relieving dryness and tight scalp, and leaving my hair smelling great.

I also learned not to forget my phone when I take a shit

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bra's are also called over the shoulder boulder holder's. What do you call men's underwear?

Under the butt nut hut.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into work with a smile

Every morning, he walks in and passes the security guard with a great big grin on his face. One day, bleary eyed, the security guard asks him why he's so chipper every morning.

"Well, it's simple. Every morning when my alarm goes off, I rub my wife on the shoulder and say 'Blondie, Blondie, e...

Father: *places hand on shoulder* My son.....

*Son: Yes father?
*Father: Check out this cool severed hand I just found!

editted for format, which I suck at apparently

I went to the cannibal restaurant the other night and the waitress gave me the cold shoulder.

It came with rice and a salad.

Things have become so politically correct, I can't even fat shame myself without looking over my shoulder.

Which i cant.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a jazz bar with an octopus on his shoulder.

He orders a couple of beers, and after a few moments the bartender, head cocked, says, "Buddy, I don't mean to be coarse, but what's with the octopus?"

"This octopus?" the guy begins, thumbing at his octopodine companion, "Oh this guy is a musical virtuoso. He'd play any instrument you have h...

A man is walking around a costume party dressed in green with a woman on his shoulder

When asked what he was he said he was a tortoise. Then when asked about the woman he replied "she's Michelle".

I was standing in line at the bank behind a woman in a sleeveless summer dress when I noticed a tattoo across her back between her shoulders.

It was words but words but I couldn't tell what it said. Suddenly she turned around and asked what the hell are you staring at. I said, "I didn't mean to upset you, I am just not good at reading people".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder

... approaching the bar, the bartender asks "What can I get for you?"

Immediatedly the parrot squaks and says "Two Budweisers please and a round of drinks for the ladies at the end of the bar".

Totally impressed, the bartender replies "Holy shit, thats amazing, where did you get it?"<...

One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.

“You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll ...

Two nuns, a penguin, a man with a parrot on his shoulder and a giraffe walk into a bar

The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder...

He orders a drink, and the monkey starts wondering around the bar, touching and sniffing all the things. Eventually it picks up a pool ball, looks at it for a bit and swallows it!

The bartender sees it and disturbingly tells the man - "your monkey just swallowed a whole billiards ball"! The m...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(Content NSFW) man walks into a bar on St. Paddy's day and gets tapped on the shoulder by a leprechaun.

A man walks into a bar on St. Paddy's day and gets tapped on the shoulder by a leprechaun. The man turned around and the leprechaun asks "how old are you?" The man replies "I am 29 years old." The leprechaun nodded then said "You have a family don't you?" The man repied "Yes, I have 2 kids and a...

Three women were returning to their village one night.

They spotted a man staggering ahead of them who was obviously very drunk. As they watched, he stumbled and fell face-down into a mud puddle. When they walked up to him, one woman turned him over to see if she recognized him.

However, his face was so covered with mud she couldn't tell, so sh...

A man walks into a pub....

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's of...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was driving down the road when I spotted a black man walking along carrying a TV over his shoulder...

...I asked myself, "Is that mine?"

Then I realized, mine was at home shining my shoes!

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It's been said that bird droppings on the shoulder is good luck...

That's crap.

This Texan walks a bar and taps an Irishman on the shoulder...

This Texan walks a bar and taps an Irishman on the shoulder. He says, "I hear tell you Irishmen are hard drinkers. Well, I'll bet you ten bucks ya'll can't do this."

The guy orders ten beers, then gulps them all down, one after the other. When he's finished, he turns to the Irishman and says,...

A blonde was talking to her redhead friend about her boyfriends dandruff problem...

The redhead says "why don't you give him head and shoulders."

The blonde replies "how do you give shoulders?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder...

He goes up to the bartender and says, "Hey, this monkey here will eat *anything*. Pick something, anything, and this monkey will eat it."

Bartender looks at him, shrugs and says, "Uh, the whole bowl of bar nuts there."

"No, no, no," says the guy, "come *on*. Give him a *challenge*."...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is in a bar, drinking a beer, when a crazy man taps him on the shoulder.

The man says, "Do you see this bar?? I built this bar with my own hands, but do they call me Bar-Builder McGreggor?? No."
Only a moment passes after the man has returned to his drink when he's tapped on the shoulder again. The crazy man says, "You see that pier out there?? I built that with my o...

A man walks into a bar with a mouse on his shoulder.

"What are you doing with that yoke in here?" asks the barman.

The man replies "Well I have a proposition for you. The mouse gets to stay and I get a full bottle of good whiskey if I can show you this mouse playing the piano!".

"Deal" says the barman, not believing this obvious drunk....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm.

When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on the shoulder...

"Want to make a bet while we wait?"...