UPJOKE
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A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.

For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, "Look, mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"

The p...

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A taxi passenger taps his driver on the shoulder...

The driver absolutely shits himself in panic, swerves, misses two people, mounts the pavement and parks inches from a shop window.

"Fuck me!" says the passenger, "you're jumpy, aren't you? I only tapped you on the shoulder!"


"Sorry about that" replies the driver. "It's my first ...

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders minced pork shoulder and ham, pressed it into a block and served in a can.

POST REMOVED

**Rule 3 - No Spam posts.**

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I was at the bar waiting to finally meet a girl that I'd been chatting with on the internet when I got a tap on the shoulder.

“Are you Steve?" the woman asked with a smile.

“You're fucking gorgeous!" I burst out in delight. "Yes, I am Steve.”

“Great," she replied. "There's some fat bitch over there looking for you!"

I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, "What's his name!?” Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!" My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” I explained...

“Because...he’s my newt!"

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What do you call 10 naked men sat on each other’s shoulders?

A scrotum pole!!

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Got a seat on a flight on one of those real budget airlines earlier, the deal was first come, first serve for seats. I turned up super early and was just nodding off in my seat when a guy tapped me on the shoulder......

Him: Excuse me mate, this is my seat.

Me: No mate, first come first serve.

Him: Yeah, but this is 100% my seat.

Me: Look on the ticket pal, it says first come first serve, end of.

Him: Alright then, you fly the fucking thing.

So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

"What a nice lady", I thought, while happily mu...

People don't like me reading over their shoulder on trains

And that's ridiculous because I'm not even that loud and I do all the voices.

Did you hear of the Ukrainian soldier who didn’t want to fight, but, when called upon to do so, defended the lives of his wife’s mom, her dad, her sister, her two brothers, her nieces and her nephews, and others who hadn’t been born yet - all with the help of a shoulder-fired missile?

He loves his NLAWs.

Donald Trump was walking through Manhattan and saw a long queue. Wondering what is was for, he joined it.

People would look over their shoulder, see that is was Donald Trump behind them, and leave the queue, so he would proceed closer and closer to the front.
As he was getting closer to the head of the queue, he asked one guy, who also looked and was about to walk away, "Wait a second, what is this...

After many years of not going to church an elderly lady decides to go to her local service.

Although very poor and with worn-out clothing, she dressed in her best and headed out. As she approached the church, she saw all the people dressed in such splendor. Not a stain, not a rip or tear on any of their clothes. The preacher and deacons stood and welcomed people as they entered.

She...

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Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their husbands.

The first woman, smiling smugly, says, "My husband is taking me on a romantic break to the French Riviera for two weeks."

The second boasts, "Well, my husband just bought me a brand new Porsche."

The third shrugs and says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, ladies, we don't have m...

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder…

The barkeep greets him, and says, “Cool newt! What’s its name?”

The man responds, “His name is Tiny”

The barkeep asks, “why is it called tiny?”

The man answers, “Because he’s my-newt”

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My wife tapped me on the shoulder and complained that Susan was keeping her awake.

"Who the fuck is Susan?" I asked.

She said, "You tell me. You were the one sleep talking."

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What do you call six nude guys all sitting stacked up on each other's shoulders?

A scrotum pole

A man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder...

The bartender asked,”Is it trained?”
The parrot replies,”I am but I don’t know about him.”

During my prostate exam the doctor put his hands on my shoulders and said "Dave, it's normal to get a hard-on while doing this."

"My name is not Dave," I replied.

"Yes, I know," said the doctor, "I am Dave."

A huge bloke decked in full hunting gear and with an entire dead wildebeest over his shoulder made his way to Nairobi airport.

As he approached the desk the airline attendant noted the wildebeest carcass but more alarmingly noticed that the suitcase he was dragging was bulging sporadically and clearly contained something large and very much alive. Feeling slightly nervous but determined to do his job the attendant challeng...

A guy got very upset with me because I was looking over his shoulder reading the article he was reading on his phone.

I said "Relax... there's plenty of room in this handicapped stall for the both of us."

A priest is walking down the street...

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the doorbell is just out of his reach.


After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartl...

so there was this rich man and he was throwing a party and he invites all the people in town including the only redneck, Killroy

They were have a great time at this party.. watching the game, drinking beer and bbqing. Then the rich man announces on his loud speaker "Ladies and gentleman, i have a 30 ft man-eating alligator in my pool. Whoever's brave enough to jump into the pool and kill the gator I'll give them 1 million dol...

Two attorneys went into a diner

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.

The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged the...

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An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two months...

Very worried, the mother goes to the farmacia (drugstore) and buys a pregnancy test. She brings it to her daughter who takes the test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing,
crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The...

I'm on a long bus ride when I get a tap on the shoulder...

I turn around and an old gal says to me, "Want some nuts?"
I chuckle and say, "Sure, thanks."

A couple of minutes later she taps me again and asks if I want more nuts. I politely accept.

The third time she offers I smile and ask her, "Don't you like nuts?"
She replies, "No, I do...

I was alone at home taking a bath... When all of a sudden...

I felt the tap on my shoulder

Two Irish farmers are walking down a road towards the pub, after a long days work, when they hear a motorcycle behind them. They are totally shocked to find that when the bike passes them, the biker is headless.

The two men look at each other and shrug.

They continue down the road because the call of the pub is getting stronger.

As they go, a cyclist comes up behind them and, on passing them, he too is seen to be headless.

The two old men shake their heads and continue to walk down t...

On his 74th birthday, an old man received a gift certificate from his wife...

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
...

I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so…

I quickly followed her. As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus. So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!"
She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too. As I walked to the back of the bus...

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Trip

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there? "We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a gre...

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Frank.....

Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Then there was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned round to see a big black bear.

The black bear said "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have sex."

F...

A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder

The bartender amazed asked "Wow, where'd you get that?" the parrot parroted "Africa, there's millions of 'em there".

What happened to the cannibal when he was late to a dinner party?

He got the cold shoulder

A Mexican guy comes riding up to the border on his bicycle with two big sacks over his shoulders.

He tells the border guard that the sacks are full of sand, but the guard doesn’t believe him.

The guard detains the guy, and rips open the bags, but there’s nothing but sand.

He even has the sand analyzed, only to find that it really is just sand. And the sack is just a plain sack. <...

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A professional gambler dies and goes to Heaven.

A gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm. When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on the shoulder.....

A woman walks into a bar....

with a parrot on her shoulder, and sits down next to a drunk.

The drunk says "What an ugly pig.'

The woman says "that's a parrot'

The drunk says "I was talking to the parrot"

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If a bra is an over-the-shoulder-Boulder-holder, what do you call a jock strap?

An under-the-butt-nut-hut!

How do you start a joke about Vladimir Putin?

By looking over your shoulder.

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Foreign Legion(long)

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir it's a long way...

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On Air Confession

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or serio...

An Atheist Walking In The Woods Is Chased By A Bear

An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He...

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Wife or Golf

A man was at the country club playing his weekly round of golf. He began with an eagle and followed it with a birdie on the second hole.
On the third hole, he scored his first-ever hole-in-one, and just as he began celebrating his cell phone rang…
It was a doctor in the local ER notifying hi...

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One day a group of terrorists took over a small village...

I fully acknowledge I first read this joke on Reddit many years ago. But since I haven't seen it posted in a long time, and it's been one of my favorite jokes, I'll give my best retelling of it-

So one day a group of terrorists took over a small village in the middle east. And being the evi...

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A Hindu, a Muslim and a Christian are passing through a forest.

Each of them are carrying a dozen bananas.

Suddenly, 3 monkeys jump down from the trees, snatch away their bananas and climb back up the trees.

The Hindu joins his hands together and says to the 1st monkey, "Please return my bananas, O Hanuman!" The monkey doesn't care and starts to e...

A black guy walks into a bar with a huge parrot on his shoulder.

Barman says “Oh wow I’ve never seen one like that before, where did you get him from?”

Parrot says “Africa, there’s loads of them over there”

An Old Man approaches the window of A Cinema with A Chicken on His Shoulder & asks for 2 Tickets

An Old Man approaches the window of A Cinema with A Chicken on His Shoulder & asks for 2 Tickets.

The Girl at the Counter wants to know who is going in with Him.

He replies, "Well, My Pet Chicken, of course."

"I'm sorry," The Girl tells him. "We can't allow Animals in the ...

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Guy gets a hotel room and asks for a hooker

A man heads to a seedy hotel to rent a room and asks the clerk where to find a prostitute.

The clerk says not to worry, he'll send one to the man's room in a few minutes.

The man goes to his room and sure enough, a few minutes later a prostitute knocks on his door.

"Hi honey, ho...

Three men at the pearly gates....

Three men have died and arrive together in the pearly gates.

St. Peter asks the first man "Have you ever cheated on your wife?"

The man proudly answers "Not once in 40 years of marriage"

"You are a good man" St Peter tells him. "Here are the keys to your brand new Porsche. " He...

My chiropractor and I got into a terrible fight in the middle of my neck treatment.

Now I have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.

Temptation (Severe pun warning)

My best friend was getting married to his long time partner Edith.

Some of his friends took him to a bucks/stag night away. While at a bar he was approached by a beautiful woman who whispered in his ear.

He smiled and whispered back in her ear.

She frowned and walked away. ...

Why did Peter put Icy-Hot on his sore shoulder?

For Pete’s ache.

Shoulder came out of my socket while locating for a lost blunt...

Call that a Dislocated joint

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Due to sanctions, people have to queue down for food in Russia these days…

One young man is in line, waiting for eggs, when everybody starts to leave the line—it’s been announced that they are out of eggs.

“Damn,” he remarks, “I remember when they didn’t run out of eggs.”

He moves on, of course, and lines up to buy bread. He waits, and waits, but again the li...

What's the worst thing to feel during a prostate exam?

2 hands on your shoulders

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

Two blondes are in an elevator…

… on one floor a man gets on and stand between them. He’s wearing a black shirt and he had a ton of dandruff on his shoulders.

After he gets off the elevator one blonde says to the other “man that guy can really use some Head & Shoulders.”

The other blonde asks “how do you give sho...

A blind man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder...

...the bartender says, "Hey man, what's with the parrot?"

The man says, "It's my seeing-eye parrot."

The bartender says, "You know, most people use dogs right?"

The man replies, "Yeah, but do you know how hard it is to get one of those to stay on your shoulder?"

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I hurt my shoulder using the churner so I stopped immediately...

...it's a little bit butter now

My brother was murdered today

cop: do you mind identifying the body \[puts hand on my shoulder\] I have to warn you the body was hacked up.

me: \[tearing up\] yes that's my brother Reese.

cop: you're sure?

me: \[nodding\] those are Reese's Pieces.

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Pinocchio

Pinocchio is in bed with his girlfriend doing what wooden boys do with their girlfriends.

When it is over, he notices she is crying. He asks her what's wrong and she says : "Oh Pinocchio, you're the sweetest lover in the world, but every time we have sex, I get splinters!"

Pinocchio i...

A man visits a friend in a middle eastern country again after 10 years…

Back when he visited 10 years ago, the women were expected to walk 10 steps behind their husbands, and as everything else would certainly not be customary, they obliged.

Now that the man has returned 10 years later, he observes the women all walk 10 steps in front of their husbands.

<...

A man walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder.

He goes up to the barman and says 'I'll have a pint please and a gin and tonic for Tiny here' The barman starts making the drinks and asks 'Why do you call him Tiny?' The guy says 'Because he's my newt'

There is a medieval town with a group of friars.

You know the ones, balding on top, fringe of hair, gray-robed religious folks. They are having a meeting to discuss the lack of donations to the church.

"Donations are at an all time low, it just isn't enough to support the church any more! Anyone have any ideas of how we could make more mone...

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.

He asks for a coke and a mango juice for his newt Tiny.

The bartender asks “Why is he called Tiny?”

And the man replies “Because he’s my newt!”

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After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening….

when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down one side, then the oth...

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A drunk man is walking through the park at night...

when he sees a small, dark figure in the distance. He is curious, and gets closer and sees a small person with his back to him. He touches the small man on his shoulder to turn and identify the person and is shocked...

"I can't believe what I am seeing! This has to be my lucky day! Are you.....

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The Russians are getting so low on guns in the Ukraine invasion that Ivan was given a broomstick with a banana tied to it instead.

What am I supposed to do with this he asked his CO? Don't be ungrateful for what glorious Mother Russia has given you he answered, just point it at the enemy and say "Bangety Bang Bang". OK, I guess I can try that Ivan said, what's the banana for though? That's a bayonet you stupid ass said the CO, ...

I got some black and white tattoos done in shapes a few years ago, and anytime my wife gets upset she just lies on me and colours them in...

I guess sometimes, she just needs a shoulder to crayon.

Credit u/HugoZHackenbush2

Do you know how every Russian joke starts?

By looking over your shoulder.

My boyfriend has dandruff.

"My boyfriend has dandruff. What's the best way to remove it?" I texted my mother.

She replied, "Just give him Head & Shoulders."

20 minutes later.

I texted my mother back, "Okay. Now how do I give the shoulders?"

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If a woman's bra is an "Over-the-Shoulder-Boulder-Holder" and a man's underwear is an "Under-the-Butt-Nut-Hut"...

Then does that make a woman's panties a "Below-the-Patch-Snatch-Hatch?"

After days of getting the cold shoulder from his wife, Larry finally confronted her.

"Admit it," he said. "The only reason you married me is because my grandfather left me a million dollars."

"Don't be ridiculous!" she shot back. "I don't care who left the money with you."

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It's a typical Saturday night in an Irish pub.

Chatter emerges from people seated around different tables enjoying their Guinness. Everyone is having a nice time.

Suddenly, at one of the tables where two men are seated, one of them raises his voice and says to the other: "Ye know, I FUCKED yer Mum last night!"

The pub goes quieter...

I been going to the same office since a little kid, so I feel obligated to keep goin, but lately the prostate exams are getting longer and more painful. Last time he even rubbed my shoulders during the exam...

I think I should look for a new dentist....

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Singaloo the cook

So this guy drives into a small one horse town and goes to the nearest bar. He wants a drink and he wants to get laid. So he asks the bartender as he's drinking where the nearest prostitutes are. The bartender says that there are no prostitutes in town. However there's Singaloo the cook. But the guy...

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

It's About Time

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot that overlooked a golf course. He drove by and noticed a couple inside with the interior dome light on.

In the driver's seat there was a young man reading a computer magazine, while in the backseat was a young woman knitting. Recognizing this as...

The other day I saw this huge crowd of dodgy looking people lining up at the local morgue, they were all leaving with these big heavy looking bags over their shoulders. I could just tell something illegal was going on.

It was a dead giveaway

A cowboy walks into a bar and accidentally bumps shoulders with someone while walking up to the bartender

The cowboy says politely, “Scuse me, sir.”
The person looks over at the cowboy uncomfortably and responds, “Uh, actually I’m non-binary.” The cowboy tips his hat respectfully and says, “Oh, pardon me M’theydy.”

People think that just because I grew up in the ghetto back in the 80s, i should walk around carrying a big ol' boom box on my shoulder.

But I refuse to go with that stereotype.

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let ...

What's worse than the doctor putting his hand on your shoulder during a prostate exam?

The doctor putting two hands on your shoulders during a prostate exam.

In the future, Donald Trump passes away from a heart attack.

He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil." You're on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as yo...

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A tall man walks into a bar, with a tiny man standing on his shoulder.

... and orders a beer. As soon as he sits down at the counter the tiny man hops off his shoulder and starts walking around. It is just a bit taller than a pint of beer, and dressed in a sports jersey. It walks over to the guy right to him, chugs his beer in one go, bumps his fist into the guys shoul...

A man walks into a bar with blood pouring out of his shoulder...

"Can I have a beer?" the man asks.

"Jesus Christ, dude!" the bartender exclaims. "What happened to you?!"

"Some guy across the street chopped my arm off with a sword," the man replies.

"With a sword???" the bartender says in awe. "So why the hell did you come in here?!?"

...

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Two pensioners are engaging in oral sex.

Old Man: "I can't stay down here for too long, It stinks."

Old Lady: "Sorry, it's my arthritis."

Old Man: "Arthritis in your vagina?"

Old Lady: "No the arthritis is in my shoulder, I can't wipe my ass!"

Took a short cut through the cemetery last week

I saw four pall bearers with a coffin on their shoulder walking along a row of headstones. Didn't take much notice and carried on. An hour later on my way back I took the short cut again and they were still there, walking up and down.

I thought to myself, those men have lost the plot.

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I started by running my hand across her shoulders and the small of her back…

I ran my hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.

Then, I proceeded to run my hand gently down her side, sliding my hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

I continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

M...

A man is in a cosmetic shop, then a female worker asks him:"Do you want Head and Shoulders sir?"

Then the man responds:"Yes, but how did you know my name was 'and Shoulders'? "

Two men are standing at the top of a cliff.

Two men are standing at the top of a cliff. One has two budgies, one on each shoulder. The other has a parrot and a shotgun. The first guy jumps off the cliff and on the way down the birds fly away. He crashes on the rocks below and rolls over on his back. He looks up just in time to see his friend ...

Man in bed with his wife... Slides his hand slowly across her shoulders... across her waist.. under her neck... below her neck... under her back.. & suddenly STOPS! Wife: (in a romantic voice) "Why did you stop?"

Man: "Got the remote, you can go back to sleep."

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The old Cowboy in Vegas

An old Cowboy decides to go on vacation to Las Vegas after working his ass off for a few years without much of a break.

He’s having a grand old time gambling at one of the large casinos and hits a small jackpot. He thinks to himself that since he’s in Vegas and has a little extra cash, he’d l...

I have a skin disease called psoriasis

It really only flares up on my legs and feet and using dandruff shampoo helps clear it up or at least soften it. So I guess you could say I use head and shoulders for my knees and toes.

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I smoked my first pork shoulder this weekend. I hope I'm saying that right.

"I finally popped my butt cherry" means something else, apparently.

A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man asks “May I place my hand on your shoulder?” “Sure” she replies *places hands on her shoulder*

“Thank you. that’s is really touching” she said

I listened to him boast about standing head and shoulders above the rest and how he felt it was acceptable, even encouraged, to look down on others. I realized I couldn’t cast a vote for this man.

He was a height supremacist.

A hillbilly walks into a Brooklyn bar…

…with a frog on his shoulder. As he steps up to the bar the bartender asks him, “Hey where did you get that?” The frog answers “East Kentucky, they’re all over the place down there.”

It is Spring time in the Bois de Boulogne.

(all spoken parts to be told in a heavy French accent)


A French man and his young son are on a short spring holiday in the Bois de Boulogne, a very large and beautiful park in Paris.

"Papa papa let's go play in the woods!"

The French man is sitting at a table in the garden w...

I used to build vessels for the US Navy

I had just arrived at my a new assignment, a typical underwater craft that was partially constructed in a special facility underground.

My first job of the day was to install markers along the starboard side of the vessel at 5 meter intervals.

The markers were metal posts that must be...

A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion.

So its leaders sent a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast. For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture t...

My friend went to the doctor for a prostate exam

The doctor asked him to bend over the exam table. Then the doctor stands behind him and tells him to relax. My friend said he heard the doctor put on his gloves and squirt some lubricant into his hand. The doctor says, “On the count of three. 1, 2, 3”, and begins the exam. After a few minutes, my bu...

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An interesting story

There once was a King of a tribe in Africa. He lived in a huge, round house made of grass, typical of all the others in the village, except that his was the largest. By day he sat on the stump of a tree, which had been brought into his hut, and covered with animal skins. Everyone else sat on the flo...

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A woman hears her husband cussing up a storm from behind the bathroom door.

She knocks and asks, 'honey ,what is it?'

Her husband emerges from the bathroom and says, 'The doctor prescribed suppositories for this stomach problem I've been having and no matter what I do, I just can't get the sucker up my ass. Even the doctor had to shove the first one in to show me ho...

One night a couple was lying in bed. The husband was feeling frisky so he rolled over and tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, but I have a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

Rejected, the husband turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later he rolls over and whispers in her ear "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

Driving across the country, a man came upon a priest and a rabbi standing on the shoulder of the road, fishing.

Next to them was a sign that read "Turn around. The end is near." The driver didn't like to be preached to, so he rolled down the window and yelled, "Mind your own business, you religious nuts!"





A few seconds later the two men fishing heard tyres screech, then a splash.
Th...

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A young man joins the Army.

A brave young man during WW2 decides he is going to join Army and show his father he is ready to be a man.
The father who was a veteran himself, and thought this is exactly what his son would need.
His son was always small, scared, and afraid of hard work.

“About time you finally deci...

Stowaway

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, ...

A man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder....

The man says to the bartender, "I bet you $100 bucks my parrot can recite the Gettysburg Address!" The parrot squawks a bit and flaps its wings. Furious, the man pays the bartender and returns home.

When they get home the man berates the parrot for failing to perform and the parrot responds, ...

A Hasidic man, with a long beard, payis, a kaftan (long black coat), and shtreiml (the traditional fur hat), walks into a bar with a multi-colored parrot on his shoulder.

The bartender says: "Where'd you get that?"

The parrot replies: "Brooklyn. There's thousands of them."

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Not Safe for Work . . . Or Is It?

**He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room.**

**Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.** **He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear, “Just relax.”**

**Without warning, he re...

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A man arrives in New York’s airport and hails a taxi.

He tells the driver where he wants to go, hops in and they drive away.

After a few miles, the man realizes that the driver missed a turn, so he reaches forward and taps the guy on the shoulder to get his attention.

There’s an ear splitting yelp. The taxi driver floors the gas and th...

Sad news, my obese parrot died today.

Mind you, it's a huge weight off my shoulders.

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. Bu...

When my girlfriend is sad, I let her color my tattoos.

She just needs a shoulder to crayon.

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bald.

A bald man went to the Dr to ask for help with his baldness, after months of trying various treatments, nothing had worked, in desperation, the Dr suggested that he rubbed his head against his wife's pussy every night. So he did, a month later, he had a fine covering of hair on his head, he was so p...

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A hunter is searching the woods for a bear to kill

When suddenly from the top of the hill he has climbed spots a huge grizzly in the distance. The Hunter steadies himself, takes a deep breath and shoots. He looks up and the bear is nowhere to be seen. The Hunter, confused as to where the bear has gone feels a tap on his shoulder and is shocked to se...

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. I picked up a girl in a bar the other night and we went back to her place. We started making out and getting naked. I went down and started munching on that pussy and got a piece of corn in my mouth.

.. I didn’t think to much of it, just threw over my shoulder and went on eating. Then I got a green bean in my mouth. I like green beans, I just ate it and went back down. Then I got a piece of asparagus in my mouth. That was to much. I hate asparagus. I looked up at her and said,”God damn woman, ar...

A man was rravelling along a country road in his car, when a strange thing passed and overtook him.

Not wanting to be outdone, the man speeds up his car, but is unable to catch up to the thing. Just before reaching a side road, he sees the thing dissappear into some bushes at the side of the road.

The man turns off at the parallel road and stops at a farmhouse there. He gets out and rings t...

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Two aliens landed in the desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the pumps assuming it was an earthling and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, we come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien was stumped. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' But t...

What kind of business involves boiling knees, elbows and shoulders in vats of water?

A joint stock company

A lady decides to get a tattoo

A lady who is a huge Elvis fan decides on his birthday to get a tattoo of the King to commemorate his life.

She goes to a well-known tattoo artist in town and asks that he put the ink on the inside of her thigh. The artist draws it out and asked her, “Do you like the design, and is right her...

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A man walks into the bar with a monkey on his shoulder

He sits at the bar and orders a beer. As the bartender is pouring his beer the monkey jumps off his shoulder and proceeds to eat everything in sight.

He eats all the bowls of mixed nuts, eats all the popcorn, jumps over the bar and eats all the marschianno cherries and all the green olives. ...

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Once I was in a Uber and when I decided to talk with the driver, so I touched his shoulder, that seriously scared him and he yelled

\-JESUS CHRIST! WHAT THE HELL---!

\-Hey, it's just me!

\-Oh, I'm sorry. You have no idea how much you scared me now, I thought this was still my old job.

\-What was your old job?

\-I used to drive hearses.

Thoughtful Drug dealer.

A man gets pulled over by a police officer, and the cop pulls him out of the car and asks "Do you have anything I should know about before I look in there?". The guy shrugs his shoulders and the cop begins looking in the car. He pops the trunk and finds a kilo of coke. He holds it up and turns back ...

Someone tapped me on the shoulder and said, "You gothic right now"

Too bad that person was Mike Tyson

A man walks into a bar with a blue bird of happiness on one shoulder and a leprachaun on the other

He walks up to the bar, hands over a thousand dollars, orders three scotch and waters, buys drinks for the entire bar and tells the manager to keep the change. The man drinks his scotch and water, the blue bird drinks his but the leprachaun downs his drink in one gulp, throws the glass and smashes t...

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