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Once I was in a Uber and when I decided to talk with the driver, so I touched his shoulder, that seriously scared him and he yelled

\-JESUS CHRIST! WHAT THE HELL---!

\-Hey, it's just me!

\-Oh, I'm sorry. You have no idea how much you scared me now, I thought this was still my old job.

\-What was your old job?

\-I used to drive hearses.

So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure," I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

"What a nice lady," I thought, while happily munch...

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A man is driving a taxi in New York City and his passenger taps him on the shoulder and he almost crashes

She tells him, "I'm sorry I didn't mean to scare you." He says, "Don't worry about it this is my first day as a taxi driver." She asks him,"How long have you lived in New York?" He responds with saying, "My whole life but I've been driving a Hearse for 25 years."

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.

He orders a drink from the bartender, when the bartender asks, "What's the name of the newt?"

The man replies, "Tiny."

Curious, the bartender asks, "Why is that?"

The man responds, "He's my newt."

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I started by running my hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. My digits glided over her breasts, touching them very lightly, then proceeded gently, caressing as it went down her side, sliding my paw over her stomach...

...and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

I continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

My hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

My gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do...

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little...

A black guy walks into a bar with a huge parrot on his shoulder.

Barman says “Oh wow I’ve never seen one like that before, where did you get him from?”

Parrot says “Africa, there’s loads of them over there”

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If a woman's bra is an "Over-the-Shoulder-Boulder-Holder" and a man's underwear is an "Under-the-Butt-Nut-Hut"...

Then does that make a woman's panties a "Below-the-Patch-Snatch-Hatch?"

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A man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder

He sits at the bar for a drink. His pet monkey hops off his shoulder and grabs a handful of peanuts and swallows them whole. He next grabs some pickled eggs and swallows them whole. He then hops onto the pool table and swallows a pool ball.

The bartender says what the hells wrong with him. Th...

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let ...

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A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.

The bartender asks well where'd you get that.

(parrot voice) Squawk Africa there's lots of them

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A passenger tapped the taxi driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up the footpath and stopped inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Buddy, don’t ever do that again. You scared the shit out of me!”

The passenger after apologi...

Why do geese use Head&Shoulders shampoo?

What’s good for the goose is good for dander

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A black man goes to a tavern with a parrot on his shoulder and asks for a beer, the cashier asks him where he got him

The parrot said Africa

A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?” “Tiny” the man replies. “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?”

"Because…He’s my newt.

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A man walks into the bar with a monkey on his shoulder

He sits at the bar and orders a beer. As the bartender is pouring his beer the monkey jumps off his shoulder and proceeds to eat everything in sight.

He eats all the bowls of mixed nuts, eats all the popcorn, jumps over the bar and eats all the marschianno cherries and all the green olives. ...

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Yogurt on the bus [NSFW]

On the bus today, I tapped the woman in front of me on the shoulder, and said, "Excuse me, but there's some semen on your sweater."

She said, "Oh, it's probably just yogurt..."

I replied, "Maybe, but I'm pretty sure I don't ejaculate yogurt."

What do you call a parasite that keeps looking over its' shoulder?

A nervous tick.

Heads, Shoulders, Knees and toes

Yo momma so fat she thinks that the song is about the parts on her body she cant see without a mirror

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Arr! Billy! Ever had a parrot on your shoulder?

Billy: No, but I've had a Cockatoo in my mouth!

The police pulled up right next to me and my Yamaha on the shoulder of the highway today…

Apparently, it’s not the best place to play a keyboard…

A texan walks into an Irish bar.

A texan walks into an Irish bar and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to 12thanybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s of...

I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, "What's his name!?”

Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!"

My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?”

I explained, “Because...he’s my newt!"

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A tall man walks into a bar, with a tiny man standing on his shoulder.

... and orders a beer. As soon as he sits down at the counter the tiny man hops off his shoulder and starts walking around. It is just a bit taller than a pint of beer, and dressed in a sports jersey. It walks over to the guy right to him, chugs his beer in one go, bumps his fist into the guys shoul...

What's worse than the doctor putting his hand on your shoulder during a prostate exam?

The doctor putting two hands on your shoulders during a prostate exam.

A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.

The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.

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An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two moths.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Fer...

A redneck walks along the carnival with a pig on his shoulders...

...' did you win that on the carnival? ' Someone asks....

'Sure did !!' the pig answers.

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What do you call 20 naked men sitting on top of each other's shoulders?

A scrotum pole.

At the movie theater, a girl returning to her seat taps the shoulder of the man in the last seat in the row.

“Excuse me,” she says, “but did I step on your toe on the way to the bathroom?”



“As a matter of fact, you did,” says the man, expecting an apology.



“Oh good,” says the girl, “then this is my row.”

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My dad always put his hands on my shoulders to comfort me

But it didn't really work when I lost my virginity.

A man with a monkey on his shoulder enters the bar.

While he's sipping his drink at the bar, the monkey jumps around to eat everything he finds. He jumps on a pool table and swallows a billiard ball. The bartender shouts "did you see what monkey did?"
"No, what did he do?" the man asks.
"He swallowed my billiard ball!" says thr bartender. ...

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope you're are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. B...

Alex Jones walks into a bar...

The bartender asks him what he would like and he says “just a water.” The bartender gets him his water and he smiles and walks down to other end of the bar where a male frog is sitting by himself. He sits down next to him with a wide grin, places the water on the bar and puts his hand on his shoulde...

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Little Johnny goes hunting (long)

One day little Johnny is walking down the street past the Old mans house carrying a roll of chicken wire.

The old man calls out from the rocking chair on his porch "What'ya got there boy?".

Little Johnny says back "I got me chicken wire! I'ma gonna catch me some chickens!".

The ...

What did the cannibal's wife do when he came home late for dinner?

She gave him the cold shoulder.

A farmer has four beautiful daughters

He’s a bit overprotective of them, so when Friday date night rolls around, he greets the gentlemen callers at the door with a shotgun over his shoulder.

Friday night rolls around, and the doorbell rings, so he walks to it, shotgun in hand, and opens it to a young man who says:

“Hi, I’...

A man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder....

The man says to the bartender, "I bet you $100 bucks my parrot can recite the Gettysburg Address!" The parrot squawks a bit and flaps its wings. Furious, the man pays the bartender and returns home.

When they get home the man berates the parrot for failing to perform and the parrot responds, ...

I tried opening a bag of Lays, but it exploded all over me.

I've had a chip on my shoulder ever since.

What do you call arranging two pigs shoulder to shoulder?

Parallel porking

A panda walks into a cáfe.

He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and unloads it into the ceiling.

“Why?” Asks the confused waiter, as the panda starts leaving. He tosses a wildlife manual over his shoulder.

“I’m a panda,” he says at the door, “look it up.”

The waiter flips to the page about pa...

Lawyer in a car accident

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

“Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beemer!” he whined.

“Y...

A man walks into a bar

He proceeds to sit down when the bartender approaches him and asks his drink.

“Whiskey” he says.

After the bartender pours it, a leprechaun that’s been sitting on the mans shoulder runs down and kicks the glass, thus spilling it everywhere.

“Another one please” the guy says. ...

My obese parrot died

It was a real weight off of my shoulder

One rainy, windy night, a man was walking home alone, down a dark, deserted street that ran right by the local cemetery.

As he passed the gates, he heard a bump in the darkness behind him. Not daring to look back, he quickened his pace. But, the bumping noise continued behind him.He stopped and turned to see what it was. Coming down the road behind him was a coffin, standing on end, bumping from side to side -

...

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An 80 year old man arrives at his doctors appointment

He sits down and the doctor proceeds to do his normal routine.

*Doctor:* So how are things going lately?

*Man:* Pretty good. I got married to a 20 year old last week.

The doctor is taken a little bit back by that statement, but continues being professional.

*Doctor:* That...

How do you know Kurt Cobain had dandruff?

They found his Head and Shoulders all over the apartment.

A man walks into a bar with a blue bird of happiness on one shoulder and a leprachaun on the other

He walks up to the bar, hands over a thousand dollars, orders three scotch and waters, buys drinks for the entire bar and tells the manager to keep the change. The man drinks his scotch and water, the blue bird drinks his but the leprachaun downs his drink in one gulp, throws the glass and smashes t...

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing.

A sign read: "Don't Miss "The Amazing Italian".
The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, Under The Big Top, in the Centre ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian.

Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member...

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A guy is sentenced to prison

On his first day, he is very anxious because of the stories he heard.

At showering time, a big tattooed guy comes over, lays his hand on his shoulder and tells him:

"Okay, so here is how this goes. Every new guy will get fucked by an older inmate on his first day here. But I'm leaving ...

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My wife walked in on me while I was wearing only a towel around my shoulders.

“I’m count Dickula,” I said. “And unlike my infamous cousin, I want you to suck ME dry.”

She left.

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The Hairdresser

A New York woman was at her East Side hairdresser's getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go Rome? It's crowded and dirty and, worse yet, full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Ro...

A guy walks into a bar...

In that bar there is a man sitting in the corner with a 30 feet tall Brick. The guy walk over to him and asks: "Sorry to bother, but how did you get such a massive Brick"? The man at the table awnsers:"well you see if you go outside the bar and hit the Streetlamp there 3 times, a fairy will appear t...

A Cowboy rides through the desert

For two days. He's hungry, thirsty and tired, his horse too. He sees a small town on the horizon. He finally reaches it on sunset and comes into the saloon and says to the Keeper:

"There's my horse outside, have someone give it food and water and comb its hair. As for me, I want a whiskey and...

Why was the necrophiliac depressed?

His lovers were always giving him the cold shoulder.

I was with my wife in a taxi in Beijing....

I was with my wife in a taxi in Beijing. It was the last day of our holiday, and she was extolling the virtues of GoogleTranslate.

"It's great," she said, just point the camera at something and it translates the text in place. And she was right - for reading menus or road signs it was a l...

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder...

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder, he orders a pint of beer for himself and a saucer of milk for Tiny. The barman fetches the drinks and places them on the bar. The man starts to drink the pint and the newt laps up the milk. Upon seeing this the barman asks the man "Why do you call ...

Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says ... "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass,

Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to.

Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to th...

Blonde and the insemination man

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a

Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows,

the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to
impregnate one of our cows, so I drove a nail into the 2x4 just above
where the cow's stall is in the barn. ...

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She didn't realize tapping him on the shoulder would make him do this.

A lady in a taxi leaned forward to ask the driver a question. She gently tapped his shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab and nearly hit a bus. He drove over the curb, almost going through a shop window.

For a few moments the inside of the cab was ...

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Two lip-reading deaf guys walk into a pub.

One turns to the other and says (in a mongy deaf voice), "You go find a seat...I'll get the drinks in".
He walks up to the bar and says, "Bartender, could I please have two pints of lager?"
"Certainly," replies the barman, "That'll be £10."
"Ten pounds?" gasps the deaf guy, "That's a...

The year 2192

The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline. He leaves a ceremonial letter. For reasons lost in time, this letter is always unsigned. Ceremonial garb includes a suit that looks like it was made for a someone of an entirely different si...

People think that just because I grew up in the ghetto back in the 80s, i should walk around carrying a big ol' boom box on my shoulder.

But I refuse to go with that stereotype.

My weiner dog gave me the cold shoulder for months before it finally started to show a little warmth and love.

I guess that's what the breeder meant when he said she was a daschshundere.

A man walks into a bar and spies two lovely women sitting by the entrance. As he walks towards the bar, he sees one tap the other shoulder and point at him. She looks him up and down and says "9", followed by giggling.

The man goes over to his buddy and boasts that the two lovely ladies by the
entrance had said he was a 9.

"Yeah, sorry man, but when I walked in they were speaking German."

My daughter walked out of her circus class with a unicycle over her shoulder - the instructor wants her to learn it.

I told her that's good because she won't get two tired.

(True story. My daughter does take circus class at the local gymnastics place, and she did walk out with a unicycle given by her instructor. I was obligated to respond with the proper level of dad-jokery.)

Wholesome and hopefully original

One day, a saddened middle aged man was walking out of a liquor store with 2 bottles of whiskey in each hand, carried by the neck of the bottles.

A younger man noticed the other man's expression and walked up to him, and without a word, placed his own hands underneath the bottles of whiskey ...

A hunter was in a tree with his muzzle loader when he sees a bear coming down the path...

A hunter was in a tree with his muzzle loader when he sees a bear coming down the path. He takes careful aim and fires. The smoke clears and he peers down at the path. No bear! The hunter feels a tap on his shoulder, looks behind him and sees the bear. "Were you trying to kill me?" the bear gro...

Slightly peeved that the makers of the shampoo "Head and Shoulders"...

…have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."

One day an atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. " And to think they were all created by a cosmic accident" As he was walking alongside the river he suddenly heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to see a seven foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path but he looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
Suddenly he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up he saw the bear right on top of him...

Bloke walking down the road with a coffin on his shoulder.

Stops at a house and knocks on the door. “Hello,” he says to the bloke opening the door, “Is this the wife swapping party?”

I have a tattoo of a Russet potato on my right shoulder, and of a Sweet Potato on my left.

They are my Tater Tats

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[NSF] "Take off my scarf!", she said.

So I took off her scarf.

"Take off my shirt!", she demanded. So I unbuttoned her shirt and took it off slowly.

"Take off my bra!", she said in a rough voice. I unlatched her bra gently, sliding it off of the arms.

"Now, take off my skirt!", she ordered. I calmly sled it off the...

Asked 100 women what shampoo they were using. 2 said Head and Shoulders

The other 98 replied "How did you get in here?"

A blonde girl was talking to her redhead friend

about her boyfriend's dandruff problem. The redhead says "Why don't you give him Head and Shoulders?"

The blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?

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So a doctor has sex with one of his patients...

And is feeling pretty down about it. On his left shoulder appears a devil. The devil consoles him saying "Hey man, don't even worry about it. Doctors have sex with their patients all the time. You are definitely not the only one." Then on his right shoulder appears an angel who says "Come on man! Yo...

Last Halloween, Schwarzenegger, while carrying a piano over his shoulders, throws me an organ.

"What's this for?" I say.

He replies, "I'll be Bach.

And you be Beethoven."

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Bear Hunting

Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He Spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said: "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or I fuck you up the ass."
<...

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A tourist in Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing.

While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull’s testicles ...

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The day I met ET. I was minding my own business waiting for the bus when this weirdo sits next to me and pokes me on the shoulder.

"Stop it, will you!" I said. He does it again and I was about to slap the silly grin of his face, but he raised his hand and said there was no need for violence, he was a stranger from a different planet and came to study earthlings.

"Prove it" I said, and he opens his jacket and there are gi...

The police finally caught the guy who cut off my arm.

People say he's evil, but I think he just needed a shoulder to cry on.

A guy walks into a bar....

Three guys were sitting in a biker bar. A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table. He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, "I went by your grandma's ...

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants, a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, “Hey, you’ve got a steering wheel on your pants.”

The pirate says, “Arrrr, I know. It’s driving me nuts.”

My obese parrot died the other day

I’m very sad but I gotta say it’s a big weight off my shoulders

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A man is at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident.

He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face, says:


"Sir, I have very bad news. We did all we could. Right now she's in a vegetative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the ...

Technology

Google has a purchase recommendation feature.

It essentially looks over your shoulder when you are on the computer. It scans your emails, sees what you are doing on-line, what sites you frequent, who you talk too, what you talk about and what you spend your money on. Then it tells you what y...

This girl wants to get me fired for giving her “inappropriate” shoulder rubs...

Good luck with that, I don’t even work there.

My friend is holding a grudge after a food fight

He has a chip on his shoulder

A North Korean lady was in line in front of me at my bank in the U.S., trying to exchange some won. She was obviously irritated, arguing with the teller.

“Why it change? Yesterday I get two hunat dolla of won, today I get
only one hunat eighty. Why it change?”

Teller shrugs his shoulders, says, “Fluctuations.”

Korean lady says, “Fluc you white people too!”

A man walks into a bar, and the first thing he notices is how ridiculously short the guy on the piano is.

He goes up to the bartender and says "Hey, uh, so what's the deal with the piano guy?"

"Well, you see this shiny rock right here? If you put your hand on it, it's supposed to grant you a wish."

"Holy hell, are you serious? Let me try!"

"Oh no I wouldn't. It can be finicky, it...

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England, Scotland and Ireland all walk into a bar and order a Pint.

After a minute or so the barkeep brings them their drinks. They all look down and find a fly in their drinks.

England turns its nose up at the drink and pushes it away, Scotland shrugs its shoulders and flicks the fly out, But Ireland grabs the fly by the wings and while shaking it shouts "S...

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Guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder...

Sits down and orders a beer. The monkey jumps off, runs over to the pool table, grabs the cue ball and swallows it.

Barman says "Dude, your monkey just swallowed my cue ball!"

"Yeah he swallows things all the time, sorry about that. I'll pay for the loss."

The rest of the night ...

Two strings walk into a bar.

The bartender yells " Get out we don't serve strings" and has the bouncer throw them out.
The first string is dejected and sadly heads home.

The second string stands up, dusts himself off and decides he is gonna try again. He bends over backwards turns to the side and pushes his head and ...

I tried to make some slow cooked pork today

But I forgot to plug in the crock pot before I left for work.


It really sucked coming home to my wife giving me the cold shoulder.

Once upon a time there was a person with a parrot

Once upon a time there was a person with a parrot, the parrot was rude and often sweared to get what it wanted. One day, the owner couldn’t take it anymore, and decided to put the parrot in the freezer. The parrot started squawking profanities, until it finally stopped. The owner, in fear, opened th...

Me: My friend reminds me of Gandhi.

My wife: He looks nothing like Gandhi!

My friend, tapping me on the shoulder: Don’t forget about Gandhi.

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An over the shoulder stare followed by a seductive wink is one of the sexiest things in the world.

Not during a rectal exam though!

A psychiatrist arrives for a house call and is greeted by a panicked mother

Who shows him to her son’s room. Her son had taken an extreme interest in First Nations culture in the past years going as far as packing his room with First Nations ornaments and trinkets and even changing his name to Spirit Eagle. However, the interesting state of his room was over shadowed by the...

How does every black joke start?

With a white person looking over their shoulders

Guy crosses the border on a bicycle with two bags over his shoulder

The guard stops him and asks:
"What's in the bags?"
"Nothing but sand sir"
So he examines the bags and indeed nothing but sand.
"Ok you're clear move on"
Two weeks later, same thing.
So this guy goes on for months, every two weeks same bags, same sand and they find nothing and i...

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A taxi driver is driving a passenger

With radio blaring local news. The passenger asked the driver to turn down the radio. After minutes of no response, the passenger got impatient and tapped the driver’s shoulder.

Suddenly the taxi swerved to the left, narrowly missing a car and skidding uncontrollably towards a newsstand, and ...

For the last time

Bob returned from a doctor's visit and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Bob went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I on...

A guy sits on a plane and realizes he’s sitting beside The Pope.

He’s too intimidated to say anything but after awhile The Pope taps him on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me my son, but I’m doing a crossword puzzle and I’m stuck. The clue is ‘a 4 letter word that you can call a woman’ and it ends with U-N-T.”

The man sits for a minute, stumped until he exc...

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Pissed Off

A small, balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight."

The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit worse for the wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink...

A man was arrested for stealing while standing on the shoulders of two vampires

He was charged with shoplifting on two counts

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