How did the hipster burn his fingertips?

He was changing the lightbulb before it was cool.


[rimshot]

Three men arrive at the pearly gates of heaven (NSFW, LONG, I don’t know how to do the tag things)

St John comes out and says to the men, “Heaven has become too full, as such we’re only taking in people who had tragic deaths.” He turns to the first man and says, “How did you die then?”
“Well I knew my wife was having an affair,” the fist man begins, “and I came home to find her lying naked on ...

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Three men go before the Queen to be rewarded for their service.

Three British soldiers gruesomely wounded in Afghanistan meet the Queen, who wishes to reward them for their loyal service.

The first soldier is in a wheelchair. He has very long arms. The Queen takes one look at him and says "Measure this man from fingertip to fingertip and pay him 1,000 po...

Saint Peter is seeing all of the new arrivals trying to go through the pearly gates in Heaven.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one.

"I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.

Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too.I knew she was into so...

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Three men die and go to Heaven (long):

John, Paul and Steve, none of whom knew each other, suddendly realise they must’ve died and find themselves waiting at Heaven’s gates.

St. Peter greets them, but it turns out the place is a bit crowded at the moment:

St. Peter: “I’m terribly sorry guys, but we’re a bit tight on space,...

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Hannibal Lecter escapes his prison, and begins a cannibalistic killing spree.

Bodies turn up all over the city, mutilated and butchered like livestock. The livers are missing from the bodies, as is muscle from the shoulders, legs and back, the tongues, a variety of human flesh all carved out and eaten by Lecter after killing his victims.

Not only that, but he escapes t...

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The Coldest Igloo in the World

Three Eskimos are arguing loudly in a bar. Each is convinced his igloo is the coldest in the world. The bartender, tired of overhearing the argument, suggests, "Why don't you just visit each other's igloos and see for yourselves whose igloo is coldest?" The eskimos agree to this suggestion.

A...

The veteran’s affairs office requests several ex-soldiers to come by and hear about a new pension plan.

“Alright men,” the official begins, “we’ve tried out a lot of pension plans in the past and none of them have worked out. At this point, we’re winging it. We’re going to measure between two points of your body, and whatever the distance is in inches, that’s how many thousand dollars you’ll get. So t...

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There was once a boy who was born into a very rich family.

There was once a boy who was born into a very rich family. His parents could afford to give him anything he wanted. Well, the boy finally graduated from preschool. So far, he had already mastered his ABC’s and could count to one hundred perfectly. He could even spell fairly well, and his reading was...

Five redditors are walking in the forest...

...when they find a lamp on the ground. One of them rubs it, and (as expected), a genie appears. Because he's feeling particularly generous, the genie decides to grant all five of them one wish each.

The first one steps forward. "I would like a ten-inch-tall piano player, please". The genie ...

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Back when I was in school...

girls’ clothes had to pass the "fingertip test" where they had to hold their arm straight down against their leg and, if their skirt or pants didn’t extend to at least their fingertips, then they couldn’t wear it. Of course, there was nothing the teachers could do about that slutty chick with the cl...

3 men use the restroom...

2 of them use the urinals and start boasting to each other.

"I have this new watch that is the latest in technology. It is inserted in my skin on my wrist and shows the time without all the bulk and hassle of wearing one!" He shows his wrist to his buddy as it shows a digital readout of the ...

"Tell me about the day you died."

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was hav...

Three men approached the gate to heaven.....

Three men approached the gate to heaven and as there was only one opening left, the gatekeeper said that whoever had the most remarkable and worthy death could enter. He asked the first man how he died, and the man replied, "Imagine this -- I suspected my wife was having an affair behind my back and...

The army had to fire three of their generals..

They decided that a monetary compensation would be fitting, so they lined the three generals up and said:

"You will be paid a thousand dollars for each centimeter of distance you create from one body part to another"

The first general stretched his arms as far from each other as he pos...

The year is 2020.

Three men stand at the gates of heaven.
The first man tries to walk in but Saint Peter stops him. "What is your name, and what happened in the five minutes before you died?" To which the man replied "My name is James, and I got to my third story apartment and found my wife covering herself with a...

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St. Peter is at the pearly gates and decides no one is getting in unless he hears how they died...

So the first guy steps up and St. peter asks "Alright, how did you die?"

The guy says "Well, I've had a hunch for a while now that my wife has been cheating on me. So I decide I'm going to come home from work early and catch her in the act. I get to our apartment building and I'm so fired up ...

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A man dies and goes to heaven

...and when he gets to the pearly gates, St. Peter says "Come, good sir, tell me how you died, so I may deem whether you deserve to enter eternal paradise."

The man replies "Alright, I'm not proud of it, but here goes. I lived in Washington, D.C. I had a beautiful wife, and lived on the seve...

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A guy walks in a sex shop...

And asks for lube. The clerk brings one and hands it over to the guy.
The guy squeezes a little on his fingertip and rubs it with the thumb.
- "Do you have one with less friction?" The guys asks.
The clerk brings another one
The guys tests it again with the fingers and say:
...

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A doctor and a nurse hook up for a random "one-time" affair in one of the hospitals many rooms...

...As they are getting ready to "do the deed" the nurse proceeds to scrub-down from fingertips to elbows. The doctor says to her "Hey, you must be an O.R. Nurse right?" To which the nurse replies "well, yes I am, what gave me away?" The doctor says "well, it was easy, you just scrubbed down before ...

A man in overalls walks into the emergency room...

A man in overalls walks into the emergency room with the tips of his fingers missing.

"What happened to you?" Asked the Doctor as he began stitching him up.

"Well," the man replied, "I had to trim my bushes today, and I thought of a way to speed it up. Instead of using clippers, I he...

Falklands Heroes

Three soldiers of the Falklands Conflict saved their battalion from a minefield, and their commanding officer decided to reward them. They were waiting for their CO in his office in London when he strolled in. "Well chaps, since this wasn't officially a war I can't give you any medals. So, I will me...

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God and St. Peter have a meeting in Heaven

They're discussing and God decides that it's getting to crowded so he decides to implement a new rule. From now on in order to get in the newly deceased has to describe their last day to St Peter and if he decides it was a bad day they are admitted.

So St Peter goes back to his post at the Pe...