The 113+ Best Leg Jokes

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A guy with no arms and no legs is lying on a beach... (Warning: dark humor)

Then this beautiful, voluptuous blonde comes walking by, sees the crippled guy and starts pitying him. So she walks up to him and asks him: “Would you like a kiss?”

The guy looks up and says a bit hesitantly “Um… yes!”

So the woman bends down and the two of them make out for a long whi...

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My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see?

He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they're twins! I had never met them before, apparently they live at the uni and were visiting, but I ignored this and I went up to my friend's room,

“How are you mate?” I said.

“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my ...

Why do people say "break a leg" before an audition?

It's so that they'll end up in a cast.

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Superman is out flying and sees wonder woman naked on a rooftop with her legs wide open and moaning in delight

He thinks to himself that as he is faster than a speeding bullet he can do his business with her and fly off before she knows it. He toys with the idea and decides to go for it. He swoops down fucks her with lightning thrusts and zooms off in a flash. The whole event lasts less than a second. As soo...

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What do you call a man with a knife in each leg?

You call him a fucking ambulance!!

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If girls with big boobs work at Hooters where do girls with only one leg work at?

IHOP!

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A perfectly normal couple has a baby, but, very unexpectedly, the baby is born without arms. Or legs. Or even a body. It's just a head...

Nevertheless, the couple embrace their roles as parents and, as unusual as it is, they raise their baby, trying to make his life as normal as possible. Obviously, it's a struggle, but they manage... and they love and treat their son like any other normal kid. Well, as much as possible.

On the...

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an Italian guy goes to a bar where he spots a beautiful long legged blonde

He picks her up and brings her home where he makes love to her, after ten minutes of fucking he asks her "are you finish?" To which she replies "no"

Determined not to leave his lady companion unsatisfied; he gets on top of her and and fucks her until she moans loudly, he goes for another ten ...

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Did you know if you hold your ear up too a strangers leg

You can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?

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A man with no arms and no legs is sunbathing on the beach

A beautiful woman walks over to him and says “awww you poor thing! I bet you’ve never been hugged before have you?”

He replies: “well, no actually I haven’t!”

She leans over and gives him a big hug.

“I bet you’ve never been kissed before either, have you?” she asks.

Once ...

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An attractive woman once asked if I was more interested in breasts or legs.

I told her that I was mainly into feet and anal.

I'm no longer welcome at that KFC restaurant.

What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

A pool table.

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One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit."
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method ...

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What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, on the floor?

Mat.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, in the ocean?

Bob.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, in the desert?

Fucked.

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

Where do you find a cow with now legs?

Wherever you left it

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A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach...

A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach as a fit, handsome man walked by.

"Sir," she said, "Would you do me a favor? I'm very lonely here. Would you give me a hug?"

"Certainly," he said, and knelt down to give her a hug.

She blushed and said, "That was wonderful....

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John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in chu...

Great legs

The wife and I were in town shopping and as we came out of a store, three attractive young women aged between 18 and 20 walked by wearing tiny cropped tops and short short skirts. One of them, a tall blonde, had really fantastic long toned and tanned legs.I gently nudged my wife and said, "I bet you...

What do you call a cow with 3 legs?

Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Yo momma.

You know what has 8 legs 8 hands and 8 eyes?

8 Pirates

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What has three legs and four arms?

My son's shit drawing of a snake.

What do you call the woman with one leg shorter than the other?

Eileen.

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A man with no arms and legs was sun baking on the beach.

A gorgeous blonde was walking past him, stopped for a second with a tang of pity in her eyes.

“Have you ever had a hug?” She asked.
“No.”
So with an “aww”, she gave him a big hug.

Two minutes later, another beautiful woman was walking past the man.

“Aw look at you honey. ...

Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM.

Confused, I asked him what he was doing... He said: “Just checking my balance.”

"Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn’t breathe?”

“You’re not fooling me dad, a chair!”

“Not this time, your dog died.”

Nice Legs..

A man goes to a bar and sees a 'larger' girl dancing on a table.
He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!"
She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?"
The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

My rescue dog has no legs, so I named her cigarette

...and every night we go out for a drag.

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I think every man at some point has tucked his penis between his legs and pretended he has a vagina.

I just wish I'd known that my girlfriend was doing it for the first six months of our relationship.

My friend went bankrupt after inventing a sandal for people with only one leg.

It was a flop.

I saw a one legged man with no arms at the ATM today...

He asked me to help him check his balance.... So I pushed the guy over.

Who would steal an artificial leg?

***I'm stumped.***

I'm getting my girlfriend a prosthetic leg for Xmas

It's just a stocking filler.

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Fucked a girl with one leg

Should've used my cock

What has 4 legs and 1 arm?

A happy pitbull

What has 132 legs and 8 teeth?

The front row of a Toby Keith concert.

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A man goes to the beach and sees a woman with no legs and no arms, crying by the shoreline.

He walks up to her and asks her what's wrong.

She says, "I've never been hugged before."

The man hugs her, says, "There, now you've been hugged," and leaves.

The next day, another man goes to the beach and sees the woman with no legs and no arms, crying by the shoreline. He walk...

A patient went to the Doctor and asked him to check his leg

"Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously places his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Give me $10! I'm desperate! I need $10!"

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before! How long has this been going on?" the ...

A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She’s so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them.

Her husband confused looks down and goes, “What’s that for?"

His wife replies, “For the flowers of course."

He thinks for a moment and asks, “Don’t we have a vase?"

A pig with a wooden leg

A tourist from the city passed a farmhouse and saw a pig with a wooden leg. He went to the farmer and asked him about the pig.

The farmer said, "Oh, this is a great pig! There's no pig like him anywhere! Once, when I was plowing a field, the tractor tipped over and pinned my leg to the ground...

What walks on 8 legs until it's one years old, 4 legs until it's twenty years old and then 2 legs for the remainder of it's life?

Fred and George Weasley.

Why does a milking stool only have three legs?

Because the cow has the udder.

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what has 2 legs in the morning and 3 in the afternoon?

I have no idea but it's in my basement please send help.

Q. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs?

A. Anything you want, there's nothing he can do about it.

“Doctor, please help, my friend broke his leg.”

“Sorry, but I’m a vet, I specialize in horses.”

“Come on, please, it can’t be that big of a difference?”

“Ok fine, just let me get my rifle from the car.”

My girlfriend has a great job down at the brewery despite having only one leg.

She's in charge of the hops.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn’t matter what you call it. It won’t come over anyway.

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A penis grew to 5ft9 and had functional arms and legs. With his new found life he opened doors, pulled out chairs and was very chivalrous.

He was a true genitalman

A man woke up and called out "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!!"

The doctor responded "I know, I amputated your arms!"

Why is your pig missing a leg?

Why is your pig missing a leg?

-Well, one day I was working at the barn when i accidentally dropped my gas lamp and everything caught on fire, the whole barn was surrounded by the flames and there was no way out. I was pretty sure I was going to die, but suddenly, my pig came running through ...

What has two legs and bleeds profusely?

Half a cat.

why do we tell actors to "break a leg"

because every play has a cast

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Between her legs

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She became worried and asked her mom, “What is this?”

Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair is grown is called Monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair.”

At dinner she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair...

Did you hear what happened to the guy whose left arm and left leg got chopped off?

---

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A pirate with an eye patch, a peg leg, and a hook walks into a bar.

The bartender notices him, and decides to ask about his injuries.

"So..." he starts off, "How'd you get that peg leg?"

"A shark bit off me leg."

"And the hook?"

"An enemy pirate cut off me hand."

The bartender gasps, fascinated by the pirate's stories.

"Wha...

A man walks by a farm, where he sees a pig with a wooden leg

He's never seen anything like it before; the pig is just wandering around the farm, but with a well crafted wooden leg. His curiosity gets the better of him and he waves the farmer over.

"Sorry to bug you," the man says, "but I just have to ask, how did that pig end up with a wooden leg?"...

where do you find a cow with no legs?

>!\--right where you left it.!<

Grandpa: What has 4 legs, but isn't alive ?

Boy: A chair, haha, nice try gran-

Grandpa - it's your dog. He's dead Jimmy.

I don't like ladies with fat legs. I don't like ladies with thin legs.

I like something inbetween.

A man had a terrible accident and badly damaged his jaw. The surgeons use part of the man's leg to build a new jaw bone, after hours of surgery and weeks of therapy he makes a full recovery but

He now talks with a limp

I just got diagnosed having cellulitis in my leg.

Of course it hurts like hell. I'm just glad it wasn't higher: then it'd really be a pain in the ass!

I heard that whales never skip leg day,

Just look at their huge calfs.

What has four legs and one arm?

A doberman at a children's playground.

A baby is born with no arms or legs and no torso. In fact he is just a head. But his parents loved and adored him and cared for him all through his childhood..

When he turned 18 his dad took him down to the local pub for his first pint of beer. He took his first sip and “whoosh” his torso appeared. He took a second sip and his arms and legs appeared.

He was so excited he stood up and ran outside into the road where he was knocked over by an...

This got legs in a comment thread yesterday so thought I would share.

A man is fishing when he hears a voice. Fish over here. He looks down and sees a frog. Really fish over here. So he does and catches his limit. The man decides to take the frog home when it says a branch is gonna fall just as the man moves out of the way saving both their lives. Deciding the frog is...

What does a pirate say when he puts his peg leg in a freezer?

Shiver me timbers!

I tried explaining to people why I bought a leg of ham through the mail.

But they weren't interested in my post-hock justifications.

Did you hear about the guy who went around murdering people with a melted clock and long-legged elephant?

He was a Surreal Killer

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A guy jogging on the beach sees a girls with no arms or legs.

Her torso is just propped up on some sand. As he draws nearer he sees that she's crying. He doesn't want to intrude, but he figures she might need some help.

"Excuse me, miss. Why are you crying?" he asks.
She responds "I'm just so sad! I've never been kissed before and I don't guess I eve...

A man comes home and his wife tells him to fix the broken table leg

The man replys:
"my dear, am I a carpenter?"

After three days, the man comes home and his wife tells him to fix the broken pipe in the bathroom, but the man replys:
"my dear, am I a plumber?"

After one week the man comes home and his wife tells him to fix the microwave o...

There was a man with a wooden leg called Steve.

I wonder what was his other leg was called.

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So this guy asks if I prefer breasts or legs

And I reply, really I'd prefer wet pussy.

Apparently this is not an appropriate thing to say at KFC.

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There's a beautiful blonde woman on the beach, no arms no legs...

A man walks passed her and she says, "Excuse me, could you please hug me? I've never been hugged before." The man, feeling bad for her, picks the lady up, hugs her, and puts her back down and goes on with his day.

Later that day, a second man walks passed her and she says, "Excuse me, I've ne...

Walking with 1 leg is worse than walking with 2.

The difference is staggering.

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One morning when Johnny is brushing his teeth, he sees his mother stepping out of the shower to dry herself off. While she is reaching for her towel, he notices that she has hair between her legs.

"Mommy," he says, "why do you have hair between your legs?"

Embarrassed, the mother responds, "Oh, this isn't hair. This is a washcloth. I used it to wash my face in the shower." She is so mortified, she decides to shave off her pubic hair.

A few mornings later when Johnny sees his mot...

What do call a man with no arms or legs in a cupboard?

Herb

Last month, I had my left hand and left leg amputated because of an accident…

but I’m now recovering, I’m all right now.

What sound does a one legged turkey make?

Wobble Wobble

What do you call a hooker with no legs?

A lazy Susan.

A paralyzed man got a new set of legs from a death row inmate.

Don't worry, the death row inmate got the chair.

A German P.O.W. gets shot in the leg...

...and gets an infection requiring the leg to be amputated. The prisoner asks "could have my leg sent to my friends and family back home as a souvenir to remember me by". The captors didn't see anything wrong with that and agreed to send the leg over.

Later the prisoner gets shot in the other...

You can't hang a man with a wooden leg,

You need a rope.

What do you call an Asian lady with one leg longer than the other??

Irene

What did the Uber driver say to the one-legged fare?

"Hop in!"

Here’s 2 jokes: What do you call a woman with 1 arm and 1 leg?

Eileen

What do you call a man with no shins?

Neil

Just got my vaccine, but they stuck the needle in my leg.

I spent the following day thinking “my Pfizer killing me”

Before the clock strikes midnight on December 31st, be sure to lift your left leg

That way, you'll start the New Year on the right foot.

What do you call a dinosaur with a sore leg ?

A mylegissaurus!

Why does a flamingo lift up one leg?

Because if it lifted up two, it would fall over

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A zookeeper calls an ambulance and says: "Help, a crocodile took my leg off!"

The EMT asks: "Oh my god, which one?"
"I don't know", the zookeeper says, " those bastards all look the same!"

Q: What’s green, has six legs, and if it drops out of a tree onto you will kill you?

A: A pool table.

Bonus Joke!!!

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? A: Doesn't matter, he won't come.

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What do you say to a woman with no arms and no legs?

Nice tits, sweetheart.

What has 100 legs but can't walk?

50 pairs of pants.

What do you call a kid from chernobyl with a broken leg?

a glow stick

Why do farmers have such strong legs?

Because they are calf-raising.

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What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer thinks blondes are dumb and that he can get one over on her easily, so the lawyer asks if the blonde would like to play a fun game.

The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely decl...

I'd like to thank my legs for supporting me

My arms for always being by my side and my fingers... I could always count on them.

My Budgie broke his leg today

So I made a splint out of a couple of matches.
His face lit up when tried to walk

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What did the right leg say to the left leg?

Don’t talk the guy in the middle. He’s a dick.

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party.

He doesn't know what costume to wear in order to not draw attention to his head or his leg, and he has a month to prepare so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a package with the following letter:

"Dear Sir:

Please find enclosed a compli...

Thank you r/jokes. I read this sub every morning at the beginning of my work day, laughing like a maniac till my hands and legs shake uncontrollably.

I just wish the kids on the school bus I'm driving would stop screaming in fear once in awhile.

How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?

Pick him up and blow him.

I own a three legged dog.

It had four legs when I got it, but I wanted people to know that I'm a good person.

Former Pakistan PM and cricket legend Imran Khan survived an assassination attempt. Doctors said he has a leg bullet wound.

I guess he is Out, LBW.

I asked a one legged woman if she wanted to be part of a threesome.

I heard she leaned both ways.

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"So I went to this convention called, "Ladies Without Legs", and man...

was that place crawling with pussy." - Willie Nelson

BLONDE One afternoon, two blondes were sitting on the front porch. The first woman said" Here comes my husband with a bunch of flowers. That means I'll be on my back with my legs in the air all weekend."

The other woman replied "Why? Don't you have a vase?"

What did the Irish bus driver say to the man with no legs?

How ya gettin' on?

Honey with Legs

At breakfast the young son asked his dad, "Hey dad, does honey have legs?" The father was taken aback by the question and responded, "I don't think so. Why do you ask?" The son then explained, "I don't know. I overheard you calling out a few times last night, 'Honey, would you please open your legs?...

Me:Doctor Doctor I can’t feel my legs…..

Doctor: well that’s good, I cut your arms off

A fellow actor told me to break a leg…

I told him to call my casting agent

Scientists have discovered why flamingos stand on one leg

Removed cause Reddit doesn't care about their users. (API Changes)

What do you call a dog w no hind legs and brass balls?

Sparky!

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