What is something with 8 eyes, 8 legs, and 8 hands?

8 pirates

My little brother told me this joke and I am so proud of him.

Edit: Look, I don't want to be one of those redditors who say 'thank's for the gold kind stranger' every time they get awarded, but after seeing this post rise I get it why they do that. For me, whose posts never g...

A baby is born with no arms or legs and no torso. In fact he is just a head. But his parents loved and adored him and cared for him all through his childhood..

When he turned 18 his dad took him down to the local pub for his first pint of beer. He took his first sip and “whoosh” his torso appeared. He took a second sip and his arms and legs appeared.

He was so excited he stood up and ran outside into the road where he was knocked over by an...

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A girl once asked me if I was a breast or legs guy...

I told her I was more into anal and feet. Now I’m banned from KFC.

My rescue dog has no legs, so I named her cigarette...

and every night we go out for a drag.

Little Billy came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home, Billy mentioned: Dad, our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs like that?

His father, thinking quickly, said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad, that's great," said little Billy.

A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad! Dad, we almost lost Mom t...

Why does a milking Stool only have 3 legs?

Because the cow has the Utter

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a lake?

Dead

Where do you find a horse with no legs?

Where you left him.

Told to me today by a first grader.

What do you call a dog with no hind legs and metal balls?

Sparky

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A little boy asks his dad; "What's between mom's legs?"

The father answers," Paradise."
The kid asks again,"Whats between your legs?" The father replies, "The key to paradise."
Then, the son says, "Piece of advice dad, change the lock. The neighbor has a copy."

What do men do standing up and women do sitting down and dogs do by lifting one leg?

Shake hands, of course!

What Do You Call A Dog With No Legs?

Nothing, it cant come when you call it anyways

What has three arms, four legs, and two elbows?

The Boston marathon finish line.

America’s coronavirus response is a lot like my ex-girlfriend’s legs.

They opened up fast for just about anyone, and now everyone who took advantage is suffering from a viral infection.

Grandpa: what has 4 legs but isn’t alive?

Little Timmy: haha it’s a chair nice try gra-

Grandpa:it’s your dog Timmy he’s dead

What key has legs and can't open a door?

A Turkey

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

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A girl with no arms and legs is laying on the beach....

She stops a man that is walking along the water and asks: “Can I tell you something?”

The man replies: “sure”

The women says: “I’ve never been hugged before”

The man gives her a hug and starts to walk down the beach again when the women then says “I’ve also never been kissed bef...

My grandfather was riding a horse yesterday and its leg broke. So he decided to shoot it.

Everyone else on the carousel started freaking out though.

What do you call a horse with two legs?

A horse without two legs.

A man visiting a farm notices a pig with only three legs.

He asks the farmer about the pig.

"Ah", says the father, "that pig, he be a mighty pig, that one. When me 'ouse got on fire that pig rushed in and dragged me and th'wife to safety. A miracle pig, he is."

"But that doesn't explain why he has three legs," said the man.

"Aye, a m...

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How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?

Pick him up and give him a blow job.

Nice legs..

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Why do actors tell each other to "break a leg"?

Because every play needs a cast.

A man says into the phone,“Can I have two fried legs please?”

The person on the phone replies,“Sir,this is a cemetery...”
The man answered,“Did i stutter?”

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One day a girl realised she was growing hair between her legs

She asked her mom what it was and her mom replied back 'the part where the hair is growing is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey is growing hair'

During dinner she told her sister that her monkey had grown hair and the sister replied 'that's nothing, mine is already eating banan...

I saw a guy with a prosthetic leg today.

I guess you can say he had a big iron on his hip...

A patient is screaming 'I lost my leg'

The doctor calmly points out 'no you haven't, see it's right there' and points to the other side of the room

What has 6 legs, red hair, and flies?

No, seriously. This thing is scaring the hell out me.

What did 007 say about the Queens legs

God Shave the Queen

What do you call a dog with no legs?

You can call it whatever you want...it still ain't coming!!!:)

My kid is an amputee. For xmas I got her a new prosthetic leg.

It's just a stocking filler

A man born without legs just became the first to undergo a 24-hour procedure to transfer his consciousness into a computer

Overnight he went from just somebody to nobody.

What do you call a pirate with 2 arms, 2 legs and 2 eyes?

A beginner

I saw a 5 legged woman crying and I asked her why

She said she could never get shoes to match. I tried to console her so I said “at least your knickers fit like a glove”

My son's pet frog broke his leg yesterday

He was very unhoppy...

Why do cowgirls walk around bow-legged?

Because cowboys like to eat with their hats on.

Where does a one leg waitress work?

Ihop...

A man was driving along a rural road one day when he saw a three legged chicken running down the road.

He was amused enough to drive along side it for a while, as he was driving he noticed the chicken was running 30 mph.

Pretty fast chicken, he thought, I wonder just how fast it can run. So he sped up and the chicken did too! They were now moving along the road at 45 mph!

The man in the...

Just been offered 8 legs of venison for £70.

Is that two deer?

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A lad was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 180mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 180, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thro...

My son was born without arms or legs...

For his 18th birthday I carried him to the pub and bought him his first pint.

After holding the glass to his lips and watching him gulp it down, I was amazed to see arms sprout out of his torso!

Shocked, the bartender poured another pint and handed it over to my son, who picked up the ...

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I was recently in a car accident and had to have both my legs amputated.

After the crash pretty much everything went to shit. I started getting nightmares from the stress, I lost my job from being unable to work, even my wife left me.

Honestly it feels like I dont have a leg to stand on at the moment.

What is brown, hairy, lives in the desert, has four legs, two humps, and is full of cement?

A camel - I put in the cement just to make it harder.

What do you call a cow with 3 legs?

Lean beef!

A cow with no legs?

Ground beef!

A cow with 2 legs?

YO MAMA

the police officer said to joe, " we have found your wife cut into pieces, the arms, the legs and the torso, We are sorry for your loss."





"so no head?" joe replied

What did the flea on the right leg of Robinson Crusoe said to the flea on the left leg of Crusoe?

'Bye for now, see you on Friday.'

What has two legs and bleeds?

Half a cat.

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs....

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs who’s in a swimming pool?
Bob


What do you call a guy with no arms or legs who’s on the wall?
Art


What do you call a guy with no arms or legs who’s in front of a door?
Matt


What do you call a guy with no arms or leg...

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The guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around, he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me!"

"I understood every word," says the pa...

Did you know spiders go deaf if they have no legs?

Well it’s true and here’s why.

When I was a child I had a pet a spider. It was great I even trained him to jump. ‘Jump’ I’d shout and with a boing he’d leap into the air.

Well my brother saw this and in a jealous rage he pulled the spiders legs off!

I was heartbroken. ‘Jump’ I’...

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If a girl with big boobs works at Hooters, where does a girl with one leg work?

IHOP!

---
I've been binging TAHM.

Sometimes I put my head in between my both my legs and lean forward...

...because that's how I roll

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

Donald Trump Stands like a centaur without its hind legs.

This is because the only thing he cares about is being the centaur of attention.

An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs.

The dentist said: "I think you have the wrong room!"

The old woman replied: "I'm in the right room alright..You put in my husband's teeth last week...Now you have to remove them!"

What did the villain say when he got his legs chopped off

Oh no I’ve been defeeted

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Not your average blonde joke

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is eas...

What do you call a man that has no arms and no legs trying to cross the street?

Speed bump

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My Uncle invited me to a Benefit next weekend celebrating women without legs.

Said the place would be crawling with pussy.

Just came home from my first paleontology party where we spent the night searching for the lower leg bone of a new dinosaur.

It was quite the shin dig.

What's green, has 4 legs, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

A pool table.

What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs, ...

and floating in a bathtub? >!Bob!<

and sitting outside your front door? >!Mat!<

and hanging on your wall? >!Art!<

and lives in a swamp? >!Pete!<

and sitting in hole? >!Doug!<

and wanted for theft? >!Rob!<

and fully functio...

I met an old farmer who had a pig with a peg leg

I asked him, “Why do you have a pig with a peg leg?”

Looking very proud he responded, “Well, that’s an amazing pig. Never had such a great pig before.”

Not understanding, I asked, “Sure, but why does he have a peg leg?”

Then the old farmer said, “Well, there was this one time t...

A man enters an animal shop, and sees a parrot with ropes tied to each of it's legs...

The man asks the shopkeeper about the parrot and the shopkeeper replies:

- If you pull the right leg rope, he's gonna greet you in French, and if you pull the left leg rope, he'll greet you in German

- And what about, if i pull both simultaneously? - asks the man.

- Well, he...<...

What has two legs and flies?

Mike Pence!

What do you call a woman with one leg

ilean

Trump ends up in hell...

Trump dies from the virus. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as...

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs who is buried in a pile of leaves?

Russel

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A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax

After a while, a beggar came up to her and said, "Hello luv, how's about us going for a walk together?"

"How dare you", retorted the woman, "I'm not some cheap pickup!"

"Well then", said the tramp, "get the fuck out of my bed".

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I was on a date with this girl, staring into her eyes and my legs went a little weak, my vision went a little hazy lighting up her face

And I thought to myself, shit, I spiked the wrong drink

A three legged dog walks into a saloon and says,...

I'm lookin' for the one that shot my paw.

Why did the man name his no legged dog "Cigarettes?"

Because he liked to take him out for long drags.

My grandfather came back from the war with 2 amputated legs and an amputated arm.

He never said exactly where he got them and the whole family was pretty disturbed when he displayed then over the fire place.

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Is anyone interested in going to a charity event for women who have lost their legs?

...... the place is supposed to be crawling with pussy.

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Between Your Legs

A little boy asked his dad what's in between moms legs and he says "It's paradise my boy." "Ok whats in between your legs" and he says "It's the key to paradise." And the boy goes "Well you better get that lock changed because that prick next door has a spare key."

What do you call a kid with one arm, one leg and one eye?

Names

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A woman in her 70s decided it was finally time to get married.

She put an add out in the newspaper. "Husband wanted. Must not beat me, must not walk all over me, must still be good in bed"


She got many applicants but after a few weeks she didn't find anybody suitable. She was about to give up, when she heard her doorbell ring. She opens the door to...

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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no genitals?
Still no fucking eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no g...

I spilled a condiment all over my legs today.

Now I got mayo knees.

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A man with no arms and legs was sun baking on the beach.

A gorgeous blonde was walking past him, stopped for a second with a tang of pity in her eyes.

“Have you ever had a hug?” She asked.
“No.”
So with an “aww”, she gave him a big hug.

Two minutes later, another beautiful woman was walking past the man.

“Aw look at you honey. ...

I once dated a one legged girl who worked at a local brewery.

She was in charge of the hops

Big shout out to my legs,

For always standing up for me.

How did the blonde break her legs raking leaves?

She fell out of a tree.

What has 4 legs and goes AAaaah?

A sheep with no lips

College would cost me an arm and a leg...

But I joined the U.S. Military, so it only costed me an arm and a leg!

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What's got 8 legs and sounds like a vacuum sucking up honey?

Greedy bastard at KFC.

I know a girl with one leg shorter than the other

Her name is ilene

I woke up after surgery and said to the doctor, "I can't feel my legs!"

"I know," he said, "I amputated your arms."

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It's my cake day today, so I'll give you one of my favourite jokes since 15+ years ago.

There is a factory that makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. Th...

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An English man meets a Chinese woman in his travels...

They fall in love and live a happy life in England. The woman, however cannot speak in English and has to have her husband translate for her. One day, the man was rather busy and asked his wife to make duck breast. She goes to the butcher but then realizes she doesn’t know how to tell him what she w...

A kangaroo broke both of its legs and was admitted to the ICU

The doctors say it has no hop

What has four legs and is man's best friend?

A sofa.

How do you increase upper leg strength?

Thyroids

My friends Grandpa told us this when we were about 14, What did the one leg say to the other leg?

Check out Shorty he's growing a beard!

A guy with a wooden eye goes to the club and sees a beautiful woman standing at the bar. She happens to have a peg leg. He walks up and asks her to dance...

She says “Would I!”

He says, “I didn’t want to dance with you anyway, peg leg!”

Di‌‌d yo‌‌u kno‌‌w i‌‌f yo‌‌u hol‌‌d you‌‌r ea‌‌r u‌‌p to‌‌o ‌‌a stranger‌‌s leg

... yo‌‌u ca‌‌n actuall‌‌y hea‌‌r the‌‌m sa‌‌y "wha‌‌t th‌‌e fuc‌‌k ar‌‌e yo‌‌u doing?"

What has 110 legs, 250 teeth, and an IQ of 500?

The front row of a Donald Trump rally.

Why did the Chinese government confiscate all deer legs?

Mistook them for moose limbs.

An old lady goes to a dentist, lies on his table, drops her panties and stretches her legs

The dentist says “I’m not a gynecologist.” She says “I know, I need my husband’s teeth back.”

Would you rather eat a chicken leg or a shooting star?

You'd probably say the chicken, but I'd pick the star... it's a little meteor.

Its funny that we named fishnet leggings after fishnets

Especially considering the fact that the people in them are never a catch

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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge...

‟I should be in charge,” said the brain , ‟Because I run all the body‘s systems, so without me nothing would happen.”


‟I should be in charge,” said the blood , ‟Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you‘d waste away.”


‟I should be in charge,” said the stomach,‟ Bec...

What has four legs and an arm?

A happy pit bull.

During a severely cold winter long ago, a well-known American poet came up behind me and gnawed on my leg.

That was the only time I've ever encountered Frost bite.

did you hear about the person who lost their legs in battle?

they were de-feet-ed

A blonde and a lawyer are on a plane

And they’re sitting next to each other. The lawyer gets bored and decides to play a game.

He asks the blonde to join. The lawyer says “we’ll each ask each other a trivia question. If you get it right, you earn $5. If you get it wrong, the other person earns $5.”

Well, the blonde isn’t...

What precaution should you take after you break your leg in two places?

Avoid those two places.

I saw a one legged man standing on the corner holding a sign that read “will work for food” so I did him a solid

And told him IHOP was hiring.

What do you call a 3 legged donkey ?

A wonkey .
What do you call a 3 legged donkey who is blind in one eye ?
A blinky wonkey .
What do you call a 3 legged donkey who is blind in one eye and loves Hank Williams ?
A honky tonky blinky wonkey donkey.

What has two legs, and goes black,white,black,white,black,white,black,white,black,white,black,white then red?

Half a Zebra

What do you name a dog with no legs?

Doesn't matter, he ain't comin'

Do you know where you find a dog like that?

Right where you left him.

A pirate with a peg leg, eye patch, and a hook hand walks into a bar and sits down beside a curious patron

They begin a conversation and the patron asks

"How did you get the peg leg?"

Pirate says "several years ago me first mate led a mutiny against me! Me whole crew threw me overboard and a shark came and tore me leg right off. Several hours later I got lucky and found a passing vessel to ...

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