UPJOKE
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Leg Jokes

Why do people say "break a leg" before an audition?

It's so that they'll end up in a cast.

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My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see?

He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they're twins! I had never met them before, apparently they live at the uni and were visiting, but I ignored this and I went up to my friend's room,



“How are you mate?” I said.



“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my ...

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A guy with no arms and no legs is lying on a beach... (Warning: dark humor)

Then this beautiful, voluptuous blonde comes walking by, sees the crippled guy and starts pitying him. So she walks up to him and asks him: “Would you like a kiss?”

The guy looks up and says a bit hesitantly “Um… yes!”

So the woman bends down and the two of them make out for a long whi...

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an Italian guy goes to a bar where he spots a beautiful long legged blonde

He picks her up and brings her home where he makes love to her, after ten minutes of fucking he asks her "are you finish?" To which she replies "no"

Determined not to leave his lady companion unsatisfied; he gets on top of her and and fucks her until she moans loudly, he goes for another ten ...

Great legs

The wife and I were in town shopping and as we came out of a store, three attractive young women aged between 18 and 20 walked by wearing tiny cropped tops and short short skirts. One of them, a tall blonde, had really fantastic long toned and tanned legs.I gently nudged my wife and said, "I bet you...

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If girls with big boobs work at Hooters where do girls with only one leg work at?

IHOP!

What do you call a cow with 3 legs?

Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Yo momma.

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What do you call a man with a knife in each leg?

You call him a fucking ambulance!!

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What did the left leg say to the right leg ?

Don’t talk to the leg in the middle because he’s a dick.

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A man with no arms and no legs is sunbathing on the beach

A beautiful woman walks over to him and says “awww you poor thing! I bet you’ve never been hugged before have you?”

He replies: “well, no actually I haven’t!”

She leans over and gives him a big hug.

“I bet you’ve never been kissed before either, have you?” she asks.

Once ...

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What has three legs and four arms?

My son's shit drawing of a snake.

Where do you find a cow with now legs?

Wherever you left it

What walks on 8 legs until it's one years old, 4 legs until it's twenty years old and then 2 legs for the remainder of it's life?

Fred and George Weasley.

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A girl once asked me if I was a breast or legs guy

I told her I was more into anal and feet

Now I’m banned from KFC

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An attractive woman once asked if I was more interested in breasts or legs.

I told her that I was mainly into feet and anal.


I'm no longer welcome at that KFC restaurant.

"Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn’t breathe?”

“You’re not fooling me dad, a chair!”

“Not this time, your dog died.”

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A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach...

A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach as a fit, handsome man walked by.

"Sir," she said, "Would you do me a favor? I'm very lonely here. Would you give me a hug?"

"Certainly," he said, and knelt down to give her a hug.

She blushed and said, "That was wonderful....

Nice Legs..

A man goes to a bar and sees a 'larger' girl dancing on a table.
He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!"
She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?"
The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

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Did you know if you hold your ear up too a strangers leg

You can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?

You know what has 8 legs 8 hands and 8 eyes?

8 Pirates

Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM.

Confused, I asked him what he was doing... He said: “Just checking my balance.”

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Fucked a girl with one leg

Should've used my cock

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What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, on the floor?

Mat.


What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, in the ocean?

Bob.


What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, in the desert?

Fucked.

Who would steal an artificial leg?

***I'm stumped.***

What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

A pool table.

What has 4 legs and 1 arm?

A happy pitbull

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A man with no arms and legs was sun baking on the beach.

A gorgeous blonde was walking past him, stopped for a second with a tang of pity in her eyes.

“Have you ever had a hug?” She asked.
“No.”
So with an “aww”, she gave him a big hug.

Two minutes later, another beautiful woman was walking past the man.

“Aw look at you honey. ...

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Superman is out flying and sees wonder woman naked on a rooftop with her legs wide open and moaning in delight

He thinks to himself that as he is faster than a speeding bullet he can do his business with her and fly off before she knows it. He toys with the idea and decides to go for it. He swoops down fucks her with lightning thrusts and zooms off in a flash. The whole event lasts less than a second. As soo...

I saw a one legged man with no arms at the ATM today...

He asked me to help him check his balance.... So I pushed the guy over.

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John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in chu...

What has 132 legs and 8 teeth?

The front row of a Toby Keith concert.

What do you call the woman with one leg shorter than the other?

Eileen.

My rescue dog has no legs, so I named her cigarette

...and every night we go out for a drag.

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A perfectly normal couple has a baby, but, very unexpectedly, the baby is born without arms. Or legs. Or even a body. It's just a head...

Nevertheless, the couple embrace their roles as parents and, as unusual as it is, they raise their baby, trying to make his life as normal as possible. Obviously, it's a struggle, but they manage... and they love and treat their son like any other normal kid. Well, as much as possible.

On the...

I'm getting my girlfriend a prosthetic leg for Xmas

It's just a stocking filler.

Why does a milking stool only have three legs?

Because the cow has the udder.

My mate lost his leg

But he’s hopping to make a full recovery.

My friend went bankrupt after inventing a sandal for people with only one leg.

It was a flop.

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Between her legs

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She became worried and asked her mom, “What is this?”

Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair is grown is called Monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair.”

At dinner she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair...

What has two legs and bleeds profusely?

Half a cat.

I don't like ladies with fat legs. I don't like ladies with thin legs.

I like something inbetween.

“Doctor, please help, my friend broke his leg.”

“Sorry, but I’m a vet, I specialize in horses.”

“Come on, please, it can’t be that big of a difference?”

“Ok fine, just let me get my rifle from the car.”

A patient went to the Doctor and asked him to check his leg

"Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"


The doctor cautiously places his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Give me $10! I'm desperate! I need $10!"


"I've never seen or heard anything like this before! How long has this been going on?" the ...

Why is your pig missing a leg?

Why is your pig missing a leg?

-Well, one day I was working at the barn when i accidentally dropped my gas lamp and everything caught on fire, the whole barn was surrounded by the flames and there was no way out. I was pretty sure I was going to die, but suddenly, my pig came running through ...

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what has 2 legs in the morning and 3 in the afternoon?

I have no idea but it's in my basement please send help.

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I think every man at some point has tucked his penis between his legs and pretended he has a vagina.

I just wish I'd known that my girlfriend was doing it for the first six months of our relationship.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn’t matter what you call it. It won’t come over anyway.

Grandpa: What has 4 legs, but isn't alive ?

Boy: A chair, haha, nice try gran-

Grandpa - it's your dog. He's dead Jimmy.

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A girl with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach crying

A man walks up to her and says "What's wrong?" She replies "I've never been kissed before." So the man kisses her, but she starts crying even more. He says "What's wrong? I thought you wanted to be kissed." This time she replies "Yea, but I've never been fucked before." The man thinks for a second, ...

Q. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs?

A. Anything you want, there's nothing he can do about it.

where do you find a cow with no legs?

>!\--right where you left it.!<

What has four legs and one arm?

A doberman at a children's playground.

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A man with a completely bald head and only one leg is invited to a Fancy Dress Party.

He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head an...

My girlfriend has a great job down at the brewery despite having only one leg.

She's in charge of the hops.

A man woke up and called out "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!!"

The doctor responded "I know, I amputated your arms!"

I heard that whales never skip leg day,

Just look at their huge calfs.

There was a man with a wooden leg called Steve.

I wonder what was his other leg was called.

I just got diagnosed having cellulitis in my leg.

Of course it hurts like hell. I'm just glad it wasn't higher: then it'd really be a pain in the ass!

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A pirate with an eye patch, a peg leg, and a hook walks into a bar.

The bartender notices him, and decides to ask about his injuries.

"So..." he starts off, "How'd you get that peg leg?"

"A shark bit off me leg."

"And the hook?"

"An enemy pirate cut off me hand."

The bartender gasps, fascinated by the pirate's stories.

"Wha...

Did you hear what happened to the guy whose left arm and left leg got chopped off?

---

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A pirate walked into a bar.

He had a wooden leg, an eye patch and a hook for a hand. The bartender was curious. "How did you get that wooden leg?" he asked.

The pirate took a swig of ale. "'Twas a terrible sea battle. I stood bravely, directly facing 12 cannons.All they managed to hit was my leg."

The bartender s...

A man walks by a farm, where he sees a pig with a wooden leg

He's never seen anything like it before; the pig is just wandering around the farm, but with a well crafted wooden leg. His curiosity gets the better of him and he waves the farmer over.

"Sorry to bug you," the man says, "but I just have to ask, how did that pig end up with a wooden leg?"...

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So this guy asks if I prefer breasts or legs

And I reply, really I'd prefer wet pussy.

Apparently this is not an appropriate thing to say at KFC.

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

This got legs in a comment thread yesterday so thought I would share.

A man is fishing when he hears a voice. Fish over here. He looks down and sees a frog. Really fish over here. So he does and catches his limit. The man decides to take the frog home when it says a branch is gonna fall just as the man moves out of the way saving both their lives. Deciding the frog is...

You ever heard the sound of a cricket on its last leg?

... no one has.

What sound does a one legged turkey make?

Wobble Wobble

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There's a beautiful blonde woman on the beach, no arms no legs...

A man walks passed her and she says, "Excuse me, could you please hug me? I've never been hugged before." The man, feeling bad for her, picks the lady up, hugs her, and puts her back down and goes on with his day.

Later that day, a second man walks passed her and she says, "Excuse me, I've ne...

So I'm fifty-twelve years old and got hip replacement surgery a week ago...Wife today, "Damnit didn't the Doctor tell you not to push it during rehab, I told you you were doing too much yesterday, look how swollen your leg is."

"Actually he told me to listen to my body."

(I continued using different voices), "How you doing Leg?"

"Swell."

Walking with 1 leg is worse than walking with 2.

The difference is staggering.

The doctor just told me my left leg is double jointed at the hip, knee and ankle. I never knew!…

…I could have kicked myself!

What has 100 legs but can't walk?

50 pairs of pants.

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A guy jogging on the beach sees a girls with no arms or legs.

Her torso is just propped up on some sand. As he draws nearer he sees that she's crying. He doesn't want to intrude, but he figures she might need some help.

"Excuse me, miss. Why are you crying?" he asks.
She responds "I'm just so sad! I've never been kissed before and I don't guess I eve...

A hitchhiker with 3 eyes, no arms and one leg was standing on the side of the road

An Irish man pulls up and says " eye,eye eye you look armless, why don't you hop on in?"

What part of the leg understands your emotions?

The empathighs.

What does a pirate say when he puts his peg leg in a freezer?

Shiver me timbers!

Three disabled stranded men

Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, bu...

Honey with Legs

At breakfast the young son asked his dad, "Hey dad, does honey have legs?" The father was taken aback by the question and responded, "I don't think so. Why do you ask?" The son then explained, "I don't know. I overheard you calling out a few times last night, 'Honey, would you please open your legs?...

What do you call a hooker with no legs?

A lazy Susan.

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Spider's legs

There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders. After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he was going to host a live show to demonstrate his findings.

At the event hundreds were ther...

British teenager Emma Raducanu has just won $2.5m by winning the US open final

Sadly she needed 2 band-aids and a bandage for a cut on her leg in the last game, so she still owes about $25k

I own a three legged dog.

It had four legs when I got it, but I wanted people to know that I'm a good person.

Why does a flamingo lift up one leg?

Because if it lifted up two, it would fall over

My Budgie broke his leg today

So I made a splint out of a couple of matches.
His face lit up when tried to walk

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What do you call a horse with a broken leg?

(cocks gun) put down.

A woman tries getting on a bus, but realizes her skirt is too tight

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this wou...

A three legged dog hobbles into a saloon...

...and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!"

What has two grey legs and two brown legs?

An elephant with diarrhea

A German P.O.W. gets shot in the leg...

...and gets an infection requiring the leg to be amputated. The prisoner asks "could have my leg sent to my friends and family back home as a souvenir to remember me by". The captors didn't see anything wrong with that and agreed to send the leg over.

Later the prisoner gets shot in the other...

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How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?

Pick it up and suck its dick.

I'd like to thank my legs for supporting me

My arms for always being by my side and my fingers... I could always count on them.

What do call a man with no arms or legs in a cupboard?

Herb

Leg amputated

Guy goes into hospital to get his leg amputated! But the surgeon makes a mistake and removes the good leg!

The guy wakes up from anesthetic and the doctors at his bedside. Hello sir, I will get straight to it, do you want the good news or the bad news?

Guys says" bad news first then go...

Why do flamingos sleep with one leg up?

Because if they slept with two legs up they'd fall over

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A penis grew to 5ft9 and had functional arms and legs. With his new found life he opened doors, pulled out chairs and was very chivalrous.

He was a true genitalman

Why do farmers have such strong legs?

Because they are calf-raising.

I tried explaining to people why I bought a leg of ham through the mail.

But they weren't interested in my post-hock justifications.

A man comes home and his wife tells him to fix the broken table leg

The man replys:
"my dear, am I a carpenter?"


After three days, the man comes home and his wife tells him to fix the broken pipe in the bathroom, but the man replys:
"my dear, am I a plumber?"


After one week the man comes home and his wife tells him to fix the microwave o...

What do you call a dinosaur with a sore leg ?

A mylegissaurus!

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One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit."
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method ...

Scientists have discovered why flamingos stand on one leg

Removed cause Reddit doesn't care about their users. (API Changes)

What did the Uber driver say to the one-legged fare?

"Hop in!"

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Josh has one leg

Josh has one leg due to a bicycle accident a few years ago that led to an amputation. One day his mom stormed into his room furious, and began accusing him of masturbating under her roof. Now, Of course he was guilty, but he thought he had hidden it very well and was confident she hadn’t caught on u...

Where does the three legged horse live?

In the unstable.

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A boy tells his father "Dad, my math teacher is asking to see you.”

The father asks "What happened?"

“Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7 x 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 x 7?' so I ask 'what's the fucking difference?'"

"Indeed, what is the difference?" says the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from school an...

Just got my vaccine, but they stuck the needle in my leg.

I spent the following day thinking “my Pfizer killing me”

My 7 year old son came in from school today and asked me:

"Dad, what kind of mouse can walk on 2 legs?"

"Erm, I don't know" I replied

"Mickey Mouse" he replied laughing

"Dad, what kind of duck can walk on 2 legs"

"Donald Duck" I replied

"No, all ducks you idiot"

A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She’s so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them.

Her husband confused looks down and goes, “What’s that for?"

His wife replies, “For the flowers of course."

He thinks for a moment and asks, “Don’t we have a vase?"

What has 2 legs in the morning, 4 legs in the afternoon, and 3 legs in the evening

The man I was doing surgery on

I got fired from the hospital

Last month, I had my left hand and left leg amputated because of an accident…

but I’m now recovering, I’m all right now.

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