What do you say to a 20 year old with no legs, one eye and no health insurance?

“Thank you for your service”

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

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The guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around, he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me!"

"I understood every word," says the pa...

Di‌‌d yo‌‌u kno‌‌w i‌‌f yo‌‌u hol‌‌d you‌‌r ea‌‌r u‌‌p to‌‌o ‌‌a stranger‌‌s leg

... yo‌‌u ca‌‌n actuall‌‌y hea‌‌r the‌‌m sa‌‌y "wha‌‌t th‌‌e fuc‌‌k ar‌‌e yo‌‌u doing?"

A cow with no legs is ground beef. A cow with 3 legs is lean beef. But what do you call a cow with 2 legs?

Your Mom

What do women have in the middle of their legs?

Knees

What has 4 legs, 1 arm, and 2 heads?

My freezer.

These days America has a lot in common with my wife's legs,

I'm dying for them to reopen.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Disabled










I'm sorry, I know I'm a terrible person but I heard this and just had to share it.

Why do we tell actors to break a leg?

Because every play has a cast.

What has 12 Legs, 12 hands and 12 Eyes?

12 Pirates

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with the wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very Truely Yours,
Acme Costume Co

The man thinks this is terrilbe because they have just emphasized his wooden leg an...

A man wakes up in a hospital bed and yells “Doctor! Doctor! I can’t feel my legs!”

The doctor replies “I know, I amputated your arms.”

Does anyone have any suggestions for a name for a one-legged girl?

My wife is really against calling her Eileen.

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If your donkey bites a leg off my rooster, what do you have?

A foot of my cock in your ass.

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs who's swimming?

Bob

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A man with no arms and legs was sun baking on the beach.

A gorgeous blonde was walking past him, stopped for a second with a tang of pity in her eyes.

“Have you ever had a hug?” She asked.
“No.”
So with an “aww”, she gave him a big hug.

Two minutes later, another beautiful woman was walking past the man.

“Aw look at you honey. ...

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Back in high school I made friends with this girl that had lost her legs. I never understood why people didn't talk to her. Since I was a close friend, she had invited me to a party with other girls without legs.

That place was crawling with pussy.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Where you left it.

Someone told me i had legs for days.

They seemed confused when i told them i’d had them for years.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn’t matter what you call it, it ain’t comin’.

What do one legged girls sing?

*All we need is somebody to lean on*

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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who swam across the English Channel?

A clever dick

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A man sees a crying woman by a pond. She is in a wheelchair and has no arms or legs.

He asks her why she is crying and she answers that she has never been hugged. Feeling pity, he hugs her then jogs away.


The next day he finds her crying again and she says she has never been kissed. The man kisses her and jogs away again.

On the third day the man sees her cryin...

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If girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where do girls with one leg work at?

IHop

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A man with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach, thinking deeply about his life.

As he lays there, unable to move, he thinks about all the rejection he has faced. Countless women, scared off by his grotesque appearance, have avoided all contact with him. Never been kissed, never been loved.


As he reflects on his sad, lonely existence, a beautiful, busty young lady, ...

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later.”

The nun agreed…

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”

The nun replied, “He went that way.”

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, sister. You see, I don’t want ...

What did the villain say when he got his legs chopped off

Oh no I’ve been defeeted

What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the other?

Eileen

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Mom, what's the thing between your legs?

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked, he asked his mother what was the hair in between her legs?

She responded, "It's my washcloth".

Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy walked in on ...

A girl who caught me looking at her very toned legs in jeans.

Her: "Whatcha looking at?"

Me: Sorry your legs look great in those
jeans.

Her: You should see me without them.

ME: Why would you take off your legs?

A stand-up comedian got in a car accident and his legs got amputated

He's just a comedian now.

What has 2 legs and bleeds constantly?

Half a dog.

A man with no arms and no legs lived next to a lonely woman.

A man with no arms and no legs lived next to a lonely woman. One day he got up the courage and went to her front door and rang the doorbell.

She answered and he said, “I’m sorry to bother you, miss, but I notice that you’re always lonely and I wanted to offer to be your boyfriend.”

Sh...

Did you know that in the USA you can't take a photo of a man with a prosthetic leg?

You need to use a camera.

My family tells "guy with no arms and no legs" jokes all the time. Know any?

A few to get started:

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in front of your door? Matt

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in shallow water? Wade

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the open ocean? Bob

What do you call a guy with no a...

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What do you call a dog with no hind legs and balls of steel?

Sparky.

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I saw a one legged man with no arms at the ATM today...

He asked me to help him check his balance....
So I pushed the fucker over.

This guy owns a dog with no legs.

He names it cigarette.

Every night he takes it out for a drag.

What's grey, has four legs, howls at the moon, and eats cement?

A wolf. I threw in the cement to make it hard.

What do you call a thing with 3 arms, 2 legs, and 1 eye?

Ugly.

What kind of meat comes from an animal whose left legs are shorter than their right legs?

Lean.

Why do pirates often have an eyepatch, a hook or wooden leg?

They can afford healthcare.

I'd like to thank my legs

For supporting me. My arms, for always being by my side. And my fingers, I could always count on them

How I Lost My Leg

I was walking next to a lake and this giant reptile
slid out of the water and moved toward me.

So I said, "Get away! Bye! After 'while, crocodile."

Unfortunately, it was an alligator....

What has 4 legs and goes "Aaaah"

A sheep with no lips.

I bought a chair without legs.

It was easy. I just wheeled up to the counter and gave the guy the money.

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What has 3 arms and 4 legs?

My son's shitty drawing of a snake

My wife has a tattoo of a shell on the inside of her legs...

If you put your ear to it, you can smell the sea.

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A lonely lady decided she wanted to find a good husband to spend the rest of her life with so she placed an advert in the paper. It read:

“Looking for a husband, must not beat me, must not chase me around when I’m with my friends, must be good in bed”

The next day a gentleman called in reply to the advert and said he would be perfect for her. She thought he sounded nice and polite, so she invited him around for dinner.
...

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An Indian and two Pakistanis sat on a Plane.

An Indian got a seat between two Pakistanis on a plane. Relaxing, he took his shoes off.

Soon enough, he got hungry.

"Hey, I'm going to get myself a snack. You guys want anything?" He asked the Pakistanis.

The man to his right said he would like a Coke.

"Of course." s...

Why did the left leg refuse to go on a date with the right leg?

Because its beauty was only shin deep.

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A man wants to commit suicide because he only has one leg

As he wants to jump out of a roof and looks down, he sees a man with no arms that is dancing and jumping around and looks happy. He gets confused and wonders..."why is this guy that happy? Dancing with no arms?" He decides not to jump and goes to the guys and asks him:
"How can you be that happy?...

What has legs, feet, and runs but cannot go anywhere by itself?

A pair of pantyhose.

What's E.T. short for?

He's only got little legs

How did an amputee cat regrow a leg after falling of a building?

Well, we all know that a cat always lands on all fours.

What has four legs and flies?

A dead dog.

What do you say to a hitchhiker with one leg?

Hop in

I have legs like chop sticks

Because their skinny and hard to use

Every time I get a new girlfriend, I measure how far she can open her legs

I keep all the results on a spreadsheet

A three legged man walks into a bar.

Bartender looks at him and asked, conjoined twin?

No thanks, I'll just have a whiskey.

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Three Surgeons meet in a bar...

Three Surgeons meet in a bar and talk about their work. The first one says "I sew 2 fingers that were cut off back on a guys hand, and I did it so well that he still became a famous pianist". The second one says "Thats nothing, I sew a guys legs back to his torso and did it so well that he still was...

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John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in chu...

A doctor just amputated my right leg and right arm

I guess I'm going to have to do with what's left

What has 2 legs in the morning, 4 legs in the afternoon, and 3 legs in the evening

The man I was doing surgery on

I got fired from the hospital

Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and left leg in a car accident?

He's all right now.

Your legs must be considered essential

Because you still can’t seem to close them

Why were the doctors laughing at an xray of a leg

Because it was fun knee

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"Dad, what does mom have between her legs?"

"A paradise, son!"

"And what do you have?"

"The keys to the paradise, son"

"Got it daddy. Did you know the neighbour has a duplicate?"

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My sister-in-law was pissed when she saw me tickling my nephew's legs

She screamed something like " wait till he is born".

What do you call a one-legged hippo?

A hoppo

What starts with 10 legs but end with 8?

One Direction.



Ill see myself out.

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I take Viagra for my sun burn...

It doesn't cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs when I sleep.

A man goes the doctor complaining of a very sore leg.

He gets in early at 11.55am, and tells the doctor his leg is sore.

He then explains that he’s also experiencing some other weird things with the leg.

The man explains to the doctor that every hour on the hour, his thigh asks for money.

The Doctor is a bit perplexed, but waits un...

What’s green and has four legs and if it falls out a tree it’ll kill you?

A snooker table.

What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs on a roller coaster?

>!Jocelyn!<

A 3 legged dog walks into a bar

And says to the bartender, “I’m looking for the guy who shot my Pa!”

What Has 120 Legs And 41 Teeth?

The front row at a Garth Brooks concert.

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Murphy calls to see his mate, Paddy, who is bedridden with a broken leg.

Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"

"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunningly beautiful 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.

"Hello there girls, your dad sent me up here to fuck ya both."...

The Three Legged Pig

A farmer had a three legged pig and his neighbor asked him why the pig had only three legs.

“Well, I’ll tell you” the farmer replied. “One day I was plowing my field and the tractor turned over and pinned me underneath. That pig ran for help. He saved my life”.

“Oh, that’s how he lost ...

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A three legged man walked into a bar after a long day

He sat down at the bar and after a few drinks he still had hardly spoken to anyone. The barkeeper was getting curious about this man's story, so he came over and said, "I've seen a lot of shit here in Florida, but I have to admit that I've never seen anyone like you. What's your story?"

The m...

Wanna know my favorite leg day exercise?

Skipping.

An oilfield worker drives past the same farm everyday and always notices this pig with 3 legs.

One day he finally decides to stop by the farm and ask the farmer what’s going on with that pig.

“Well,” the farmer says, “my house was burning down one day and my poor old dog was trapped in there. Full on flames and smoke and that pig ran in and saved my dog.”

“Did his leg burn off?...

A man goes to a doctor

A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like t...

A thrice divorced woman is giving love another try ...

Her first love abused her with his fists. The second one ran away. The third one completely failed in bed. But she still feels lonely and doesn't want to stop believing in love, so she posted an ad on a newspaper with her story that she was still available. A few days later, she heard the doorbell r...

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A guy goes to his doctor... his leg is turning blue.

The doctor runs some tests and says: “you got a rare degenerative condition. We’ll have to amputate.” So the guy gets his leg amputated and fitted with a prosthetic. Couple of weeks later, the other leg starts going blue. Doctor delivers the same news. So the second leg is also amputated.

Two...

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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you do...

I'm giving up on my legs

They keep standing me up.

What do you call a puzzled one legged man?

Stumped? Me too.

Little Tommy was born as just a head, no arms, no legs, no body.

One day he turns to his Mom and says, “Mommy Mommy, if I’m a good boy all year and I eat all my vegetables will Santa bring me a body for Christmas?” “We’ll see!”, says Mom. The year goes by and Christmas arrives, Little Tommy wakes up bright and early to discover, right below his neck, a torso. He ...

I broke my left leg in a 110m hurdles race

I broke my left leg in a 110m hurdles race, which marked the end my athletic career.

I couldn’t get over it.

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After countless attempts at Moby Dick the ol' cap'n was a nervous wreck and missing a leg...

Did someone at least send him a "Get Whale Soon" card?

A girl with tight skirt tries to get on a bus....

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarras...

A guy grabbed my right hand and leg

So, I fought for my rights

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