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The girl with no arms and legs laying by the pool

There’s a girl with no arms and legs laying by a pool.

She's tanning and enjoying herself when a handsome guy walks by and grabs her attention.

​

She yells over to him and asks if he can help her with something.

​

The guy feels bad for her so...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you know that if you hold your ear up to a stranger's leg

You can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?"

What’s green, fuzzy, has 4 legs and can kill you if it falls out a tree?

A pool table

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

What animal has two gray legs and two brown legs?

​

An elephant with diarrhea

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.

“How are you mate?”

“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.”

I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21 year old twin daughters lying naked on the bed.

I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you.<...

My girlfriend has a tatoo of a shell on the inner side of her upper leg

If you put your ear against it you can smell the sea

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy driving down a highway sees a chicken with three legs overtaking him. He floors it

and the chicken stays ahead of him. He’s never seen anything like it, so he follows the chicken but it speeds up, 60, 80, 100 mph! He can barely keep it in sight, but sees it get off the highway and then, at the last second, sees it dash into a farmyard. He skids to a stop and sees the chicken run u...

Guy: Can I buy you a drink? Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.

Guy: Do they swell?
Girl: No. They spread.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Where you left him.



I got this from an Easter cracker. It was pretty dark for Easter which made me laugh even harder.

Sometimes, I will squat to the floor, hug my legs, and lean forward.

That's just how I roll.

"Answer all my questions, or I'll cut off your legs at the knees," said my interrogator.

I did pretty well for a while, but eventually he stumped me.

What do you call a dog with no arms and no legs?

It doesn’t matter what you call them, they’re still not going to come

A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel between his legs.

He says to the bartender, "ello mate, can I get a pint of bitter?" The bartender says "sure thing, but why is there a steering wheel between your legs?" The man says "No idea mate, but its driving me nuts."

What bleeds and has two legs?

Half a dog

Why didn't Napoleon eat chicken legs?

He didn't like defeat.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What has three legs and four arms?

My son's shit drawing of a snake.

I directed a movie about my broken leg.

It had a stellar supporting cast.

Boy: "Let's play firetruck game. I will move my hand up your leg till you say RED LIGHT" -Girl: "RED LIGHT"

Boy: "Firetrucks don't stop at red lights"

Did you know horses have six legs?

They have two legs at the back, and fore legs at the front

What do you call a cow with no legs?

What do you call a cow with no legs?
ground beef

What do you call a cow with 1 leg?
A steak

What do you call a cow with 2 legs?
your mom :)

To the man with no legs who stole my camouflage jacket:

You can hide but you can’t run!

What has 18 arms, 11 legs and 34 hands?

A liar.

I used to have a dog with no legs named “Cigarette”

And every now and again I would take him out for a drag.

A man is driving down the road when he sees someone on the side of the road with three eyes, no arms and one leg ...

He pulls over and says, eye, eye eye, you look armless, hop in.

What has 8 eyes and 8 legs ?

8 pirates

Did you hear about the shark attack victim that lost her left arm and left leg?

No? Well, she is all right now.

Man can't get his leg back after amputation.

Doctor: Unfortunately, we can't give you your amputed leg back.

Me: I want it, it's my right.

Do flies shave their legs?

No, but bees wax.

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs sitting in a pile of leaves?

Russell.

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I went to a charity for women with no legs.

The place was crawling with pussy

Chris used to drink only regular coffee, then he got in a car accident and lost both his legs below his knees...

Now he goes with de-calf.

Why did the weatherman take a leave of absence after breaking both arms and both legs?

He would have trouble working with the four casts.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I walked up to a girl with no arms or legs at the beach, she was crying.

I asked her why she was crying and she said, "I have never been hugged before".

So I crouched down and gave her a hug, she was still crying so I asked why she was still crying.

"I have never been kissed before", she said. So I leaned in and gave her a big ol' kiss.

She was STILL...

What's the best thing about screwing someone with no arms and legs?

You can use them as a pillow when you have finished and they can't fight back.

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?

Eileen...

A patient went to the Doctor and asked him to check his leg

"Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"


The doctor cautiously places his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Give me $10! I'm desperate! I need $10!"


"I've never seen or heard anything like this before! How long has this been going on?" the ...

What do you call a cow with no legs?

My severely diabetic Aunt Linda.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I didn't go to Vietnam and lose a leg to put up with this shit....

But you have both your legs???

LIKE I SAID!

I DID not go to Vietnam and lose a leg!

Grandpa: What has 4 legs but is not alive?

A boy: A chair, hahaha, nice try gran-

Grandpa: It's your dog, he is dead Jimmy

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A couple were in bed. The wife had turned over to go to sleep but the man decided to read. After a minute he stopped, put his hand between his wife’s legs and fondled her.

Then he stopped and went back to reading his book. As he did so, his wife turned round, sat up and took off her nightdress. “What are you doing that for?” asked her husband. “Well, after what you’ve just done, I thought you were keen for some sex.”

“Oh no, not at all,” he replied.

“Th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What’s a Mexican prostitute with no legs called?

Cuntswaylow

What do you call someone who has had their legs blown off?

Defeated.

Whaddaya call a guy with no arms and no legs trying to water ski?

Skip.

A drunk man borrows and loses his partner's prosthetic leg in a game of roulette in Las Vegas while she's asleep in their room. When she wakes up in the morning she is furious and sends him down to the tables to win it back...

..the man, now sober, is absolutely determined to make up for his sordid late night misdeed, and immediately challenges the casino to win back the prosthetic leg.

For the whole next day he is at the table, losing pile after pile of chips, thousands and thousands of dollars at a time.

...

Dad Joke: How do you hang a man with a wooden leg?

.
.
.
You can't, you need a rope

I met a girl with one leg shorter than the other.

I asked her name.

She said ”Ailene”.

I replied ”I can see that, but I asked for your name.”

I told my doctor I broke my leg in 2 places...

He said "don't go back to those places again".

I know a man with one leg named Smith

i don’t know what he named the other one

My 5 year old's joke: What do you call a snake with no legs?

A snake.

There is an outstanding warrant for a man with a prosthetic leg who was caught importing drugs. But after a year, he has still not been caught

Police say they're stumped

What do you call a chicken with no legs and no wings?

A chicken nugget

Yesterday, i saw a frog without legs

that's hopless

A blonde and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a plane.

The lawyer asks the blonde if she wants to play a game, "All you have to do is ask a question and if i get it wrong or don't know it i give you five dollars, then i ask you a question and if you get it wrong you pay me five dollars." 

"No," she says, "I just want to sleep." 

He keeps a...

Where does someone with one leg work

I hop

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pirate with an eye patch, a peg leg, and a hook walks into a bar.

The bartender notices him, and decides to ask about his injuries.

"So..." he starts off, "How'd you get that peg leg?"

"A shark bit off me leg."

"And the hook?"

"An enemy pirate cut off me hand."

The bartender gasps, fascinated by the pirate's stories.

"Wha...

What has four legs and one arm?

A pitbull returning from a kids playground

My Wife has been forcing me to stand on one leg for years.

Enough is enough. I had to put my foot down.

Stick Your Head Between Legs

A stewardess did her usual act of showing passengers the safety drill. Near the end she said, "And in the event of an emergency, bend forward and put your head between your legs."


Eunice said to her boy friend Jeff, "I can't bend that far these days!"


Jeff replied with a smile,...

Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM.

Confused, I asked him what he was doing... He said: “Just checking my balance.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why is an elephants leg considered a sexual organ in India?

When it steps on you, you’re fucked.

What's got four legs and flies?

A dead horse.

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What's that company that sells the table's legs separately?

IK*EA*

Dont put your legs on the table

A teacher told Yossi "Dont put your legs on the table!"
Yossi answered "But I also put my legs on the table at home"
The teacher answers, "really? And what does your mother tell you about it?"
Yossi: "she says 'don't put your legs on the table, your are not at school'"

A few years ago I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.

It was a flop.

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair

Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” the girl smiled.

At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.”


Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”

What do you call a kid with no arms, no legs and an eye patch?

Names

What has 50 legs and 42 teeth?

The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.

Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

To stop being mistaken for feminists.

What has broken arms, broken legs and is on the bottom of a river?

People who tell jokes about the Mafia.

Why do we tell actors to "break a leg"?

Because every play has a cast.

What's about 12 inches long and hangs between Putin's legs?

Trump's tie.

Our maintenance guy lost his legs on the jobs

now he's just a handyman!!

I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery

She was in charge of the hops.

What do you call a deer with one eye and a broken leg?

I have no eye-deer

An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room."

"You put in my husband's teeth last
week," she replied. "Now you have to
remove them."

What has four legs, a tail and runs?

A cow in panty hose.

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What has four legs, a tale and smells?

&#x200B;

A cow with the runs

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What has four legs, a tail and walks?

&#x200B;

A cow batting 400

&#x200B;

What has four legs, a tail an...

What's the worst part about amputation?

It cost a arm and a leg.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other?

Ilene.

What do you call a Japanese girl with one leg shorter than the other?

Irene.

Where does she work as a waitress?

Ihop.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman with no arms and no legs is laying on the beach...

A woman with no arms and no legs is laying on the beach sobbing.

A man walks by and asks “why are you crying?”

Woman: Well... I’m crying because I have no arms or legs and I’ve never been hugged before..

Man: That’s terrible! I’ll give you a hug.

He gives her a hug an...

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The girl with no arms or legs at the beach

A guy was with his buddies on the beach, and went back to his cooler to get a beer. On the way he saw a girl with no arms or legs crying, when he asked why, she said “I’ve never been hugged”. The gentleman hugged her, then grabbed his beer and went back to his friends. When his beer ran out, he went...

When i got my gun license, first thing i did was cut off a bear’s front legs. No legal action was taken

Because i had the right to bear arms

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Some nurses notice that when they give a comatose woman a sponge bath, her heart monitor starts beeping more when they wipe between her legs.

Out of ways to bring this woman out of her coma, the nurses decided to ask her husband if he would consider oral sex with his wife to see if that would help bring her out of her coma.

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He was initially hesitant, but they assured him that the curtains would be closed and no ...

What did the pirate say about the steering wheel between his legs?

It's drivin' me nuts.

A man arrives at the front door of a brothel, a woman answers and notices the man has no arms or legs. The woman says "what are we supposed to do with you?"

The man replies "I rang the doorbell didn't I?!"

Paddy O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

Paddy O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did...

My friend asked me “What do you call a man with no legs?”

It’s been over two days and i’m totally stumped. Any help?

Tonight at 11:59 lift your left leg

So you can enter the new year on the right foot

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I met a real life pirate. He had a patch over his eye, a hook for a hand, and a peg leg.

I asked what happened to his leg. He told me he got shot with a cannon, and it took it clean off. I asked why he has a hook for a hand. He said that a shark bit it off while he was out at sea. I asked what happened to his eye. He told me a seagull pooped in his eye. I said "that can make you ...

Where do one legged workers work?

Ihop

What do you call a deaf guy with three legs, two noses, four ears, and a unibrow?

It doesn't matter, he isn't gonna hear you.

A Sea Captain is complaining about how difficult his life is without a leg and an arm

He says to his crew mates, " When ye missin' two major parts of ye, thar ain't many things ye can do. "

The lookout hollers from the crow's nest " I 'ave it worse Captain! "

" Oh!? " The Sea Captain exclaims " 'n which two parts of ye be missin'? "

To which the lookout replies "...

What does a guy with two left legs wear at the beach

Flip flips

What do you call a man with no arms, no legs, and who has a speech impediment?

His name.

And you should probably be ashamed of yourself.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So I was walking along the beach and came a cross a women with no arms and legs, crying....

I asked her, what was wrong,
she replied, well, I’ve never been hugged by a man before....
So I have her a hug
She’s still crying, again I ask her what was wrong
She replied, I’ve never been kissed by a man before...
So I kissed her
And now she’s crying a little less but still...

I have 3 heads , 6 legs and 9 hands. What am I?

Ugly.

I got 3 eyes, 4 arms and 5 legs. What am I?

Ugly.

I had my leg x-rayed today.

The doctor told me "your patella measures 2.54 cm"

By surprise I said "Inch high knees?"

The doctor replied "披萨卷披萨卷2.54披萨卷"

Which mouse runs on two legs? Mickey mouse. Now which duck runs on two legs?

Every duck runs on two legs.

A boy with no legs tried to get attention from the baker across the street.

He loved the smell of pies wafting from the shop window, but since he had no legs, he cannot reach the baker.

So he wrote a message on a dollar note, folded it into a paper plane, and threw it across the street.

The baker turned his head and was surprised to see a paper dollar plane ...

I never understood why people pay an arm and a leg for anything

If anything, I would pay with just a leg. Because that has ma knee.

I got my wife a prosthetic leg for Christmas

It's not her main present, just a stocking filler!

What has four legs but can't walk?

7yo daughter response: half an octopus?

A husband and wife are getting ready for a costume party. Since they have nothing on hand to wear for the event, the husband suggests to his wife that she should put a lemon between her legs as he puts the potato between his. Confused, she asks what it's all about.

The husband says, "Honey, you be the sourpuss, and I'll be the dictator."

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?

Bob.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in front of the door?

Matt.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a volcano?

Anakin Skywalker

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did the store manager say to the mannequin that had one leg shorter than the other?

"I can't fucking stand you."

I once had a friend with 5 legs...

His pants fit like a glove.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What has eighteen legs and three vaginas?

The Supreme Court.

Wanna hear a joke about legs?

It's a real knee slapper.

And that pun was only calf of the joke.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A drunk is sitting with his pals and he pukes on his trouser leg. He tells his pals that his wife will lose her mind If he comes home like this and one of them says “put $20 in your top pocket and tell her a stranger puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning.”

“Brilliant!” says the drunk, heading out. When he gets home, his wife says “Look at the state of you!” and he says, “Not to worry, a drunk puked on me and have me $20 for dry cleaning, it’s in my top pocket.”

She fishes out $40 and stares at him for a few and then says “there is $40 here...”<...

I'd like to thank my legs for supporting me

My arms for always being by my side and my fingers... I could always count on them.

What has 6 legs, 9 arms, 3 heads, and 2 feet?

The Boston Marathon finish line.