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A man with no arms and legs was sun baking on the beach.

A gorgeous blonde was walking past him, stopped for a second with a tang of pity in her eyes.

“Have you ever had a hug?” She asked.
“No.”
So with an “aww”, she gave him a big hug.

Two minutes later, another beautiful woman was walking past the man.

“Aw look at you honey. ...

I'd like to thank my legs

For supporting me. My arms, for always being by my side. And my fingers, I could always count on them

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If girls with big boobs work at Hooters where do girls with one leg work?

Ihop

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I saw a one legged man with no arms at the ATM today...

He asked me to help him check his balance....

So I pushed the fucker over.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left it...

My wife has a tattoo of a shell on the inside of her legs...

If you put your ear to it, you can smell the sea.

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What has 3 arms and 4 legs?

My son's shitty drawing of a snake

What do you call a kid with no legs

Names

Why do we tell actors "break A leg"?

Because every play has a cast

Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and left leg in a car accident?

He's all right now.

What do you say to a hitchhiker with one leg?

Hop in

A doctor just amputated my right leg and right arm

I guess I'm going to have to do with what's left

What do you call a cow with two legs?

My wife.

A cow with no legs is ground beef. A cow with 3 legs is lean beef. But what do you call a cow with 2 legs?

Your mom.

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My sister-in-law was pissed when she saw me tickling my nephew's legs

She screamed something like " wait till he is born".

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a swimming pool?

Bob.

What has 2 legs in the morning, 4 legs in the afternoon, and 3 legs in the evening

The man I was doing surgery on

I got fired from the hospital

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A three legged man walked into a bar after a long day

He sat down at the bar and after a few drinks he still had hardly spoken to anyone. The barkeeper was getting curious about this man's story, so he came over and said, "I've seen a lot of shit here in Florida, but I have to admit that I've never seen anyone like you. What's your story?"

The m...

What starts with 10 legs but end with 8?

One Direction.



Ill see myself out.

Every time I get a new girlfriend, I measure how far she can open her legs

I keep all the results on a spreadsheet

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A guy goes to his doctor... his leg is turning blue.

The doctor runs some tests and says: “you got a rare degenerative condition. We’ll have to amputate.” So the guy gets his leg amputated and fitted with a prosthetic. Couple of weeks later, the other leg starts going blue. Doctor delivers the same news. So the second leg is also amputated.

Two...

What’s green and has four legs and if it falls out a tree it’ll kill you?

A snooker table.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Anything you want. He still won't come.

An oilfield worker drives past the same farm everyday and always notices this pig with 3 legs.

One day he finally decides to stop by the farm and ask the farmer what’s going on with that pig.

“Well,” the farmer says, “my house was burning down one day and my poor old dog was trapped in there. Full on flames and smoke and that pig ran in and saved my dog.”

“Did his leg burn off?...

A man goes the doctor complaining of a very sore leg.

He gets in early at 11.55am, and tells the doctor his leg is sore.

He then explains that he’s also experiencing some other weird things with the leg.

The man explains to the doctor that every hour on the hour, his thigh asks for money.

The Doctor is a bit perplexed, but waits un...

What has two legs and bleeds?

Half a dog.

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Leg Doctor

A man goes to a doctor and says, “Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something’s wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you’ll hear it!”
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man’s thigh only to hear, “Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks.”

“I’ve never seen or heard anything like this ...

I'm giving up on my legs

They keep standing me up.

The Three Legged Pig

A farmer had a three legged pig and his neighbor asked him why the pig had only three legs.

“Well, I’ll tell you” the farmer replied. “One day I was plowing my field and the tractor turned over and pinned me underneath. That pig ran for help. He saved my life”.

“Oh, that’s how he lost ...

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After countless attempts at Moby Dick the ol' cap'n was a nervous wreck and missing a leg...

Did someone at least send him a "Get Whale Soon" card?

What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs on a roller coaster?

>!Jocelyn!<

A guy grabbed my right hand and leg

So, I fought for my rights

What do you call a puzzled one legged man?

Stumped? Me too.

What Has 120 Legs And 41 Teeth?

The front row at a Garth Brooks concert.

What do you call a one-legged hippo?

A hoppo

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs laying in a pile of leaves?

Rustle

An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs.

The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." "You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."

A man in the hospital said to his doctor: " docter i can't feel me legs!"

The doctor answered: "I know, I amputated your arms."

A P.O.W. in Germany gets shot in the leg

His leg is infected and need to be amputated. He requested the captors to send his leg to his friends and family back home so they can have it as a souvenir and the captors figure it can't hurt so they send it.

Then the prisoner gets shot in the other leg which also gets infected and needs to...

Another joke about Tommy, who has no arms and legs

Tommy was in the garden, playing in the sandbox. As he has no arms, he uses his mouth to pick up the shovels and his other sandbox toys.

As Tommy is happily playing along, his mother opens the window of their flat - which is on the 50th floor - and shouts: "Tommy! Lunch is ready!". Because to...

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Murphy calls to see his mate, Paddy, who is bedridden with a broken leg.

Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"

"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunningly beautiful 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.

"Hello there girls, your dad sent me up here to fuck ya both."...

A man is walking his disabled dog that has a wheelchair for her front legs. It starts barking at a passerby that looks scared of the dog. The man assures the passerby that it's okay...

She's armless.

So the other day I was looking down at my leg...

So the other day I was looking down at my leg and saw something funny, so I decided to get rid of it, it was a rash judgement.

What do you call a Russian who's had both of his legs amputated?

0-leg

Why didn't the cannibal eat the guy with no legs ?

Because he was lacktoes intolerant

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A man with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach, thinking deeply about his life.

As he lays there, unable to move, he thinks about all the rejection he has faced. Countless women, scared off by his grotesque appearance, have avoided all contact with him. Never been kissed, never been loved.

As he reflects on his sad, lonely existence, a beautiful, busty young lady, in a v...

What do you call a woman with one leg?

Ilene

Wanna know my favorite leg day exercise?

Skipping.

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Woman with no legs

This beautiful women who was born without any legs invited me to a party, of course she has plenty of gorgeous amputee girlfriends that were there too. Needless to say the place was crawling with pussy.

What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs, no head, and no torso? (Sorry if it's short.)

*Dick*

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Looking at their new baby, the mother said, “Those tiny arms, he’ll never be a boxer. Those tiny legs, he’ll never be a runner.

Then the father looked. “He’ll never be a porn star either.”

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Went to the pier today and seen a lady with no arms and no legs propped up on a bench. She was crying her eyes out.

I walk up to her and said “What’s wrong?” She replies “I’ve never been hugged before.” I looked around and gave her a hug. The next day I encounter the same woman, crying again on the pier. I ask her again, “What’s wrong now?”She says” I’ve never been kissed before.” So I kissed her, but she start...

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A Girl asked me, are you a breast or legs Man,?

I replied, I'm more into shaved pussy and anal.


Now I am banned from KFC...

They say I have the legs of a dancer..

##

but until they find the rest of the body the cops have got nothing on me man!

My brother was just fired from his job at the bank. A customer with a broken leg came in and asked if he could check his balance...

so he pushed him over.

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Legs in Japanese cartoons are cool

I just love anime shins.

What do you call a girl with a wooden leg?

Peggy.

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So a ventriloquist is on stage telling jokes at a local bar with his dummy on his leg. He asks if the audience wants to hear a blonde joke and the audience cheers with general enthusiasm...

“Ok” he starts, “how many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?”

But before he can finish, a blonde woman from the audience stands up, outraged.

“How dare you! How dare you generalize us like that just based on our hair color!”

The ventriloquist apologizes profusely ex...

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A man asked his friend how many legs a black rooster has

The friend says “2.”

Then the man asks “How many eyes does a black rooster have?”

The friend responds “2.” Again

Lastly the man asks “How many whiskers a white cat has?”

The friend says “I don’t know 8?”

The man then says “Well I’m curious on why you know more abou...

A man with two legs walks into a bar

*The bartender screams*

What did the kid with no arms and no legs get for Christmas?

Laid.

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Why do women have legs?

Have you seen the fucking mess a snail leaves behind?

Did you know about the prisoner who used to beat his cellmate with his prosthetic wooden leg..

When the authorities confiscated the leg,he was hopping mad..

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in chu...

I have a dog with no legs called Cigarette.

Every day, I take Cigarette out for a drag.

Little Tommy was born as just a head, no arms, no legs, no body.

One day he turns to his Mom and says, “Mommy Mommy, if I’m a good boy all year and I eat all my vegetables will Santa bring me a body for Christmas?” “We’ll see!”, says Mom. The year goes by and Christmas arrives, Little Tommy wakes up bright and early to discover, right below his neck, a torso. He ...

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Why do cats stick one leg straight up in the air when they lick their anus?

Interviewer: No, I meant any questions about the job?

A guy with golden prosthetic legs walks into a bar and orders all of the beer

The bartender asks,

Bartender: *"how are you going to pay for all of that?"*

Guy: *"With mah-knee."*

I bought my girlfriend an artificial leg for Christmas this year

I thought it would make a great stocking filler

Sphinx: What has four legs in the morning, two at noon, and three at night?

Me: A radioactive vietnamese soldier.

EDIT:
Sphinx: No no he’s got a point.

What has four legs and eats ants?

Two uncles.

Woah, Today My Head ‘Fell Asleep’ Like Your Arms & Legs Do Sometimes

It was mind numbing.

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The woman was in bed with 3 men when her husband came home.

One of them hid in the closet, the second one went under the bed, and the third one went to the balcony.

After a while, the one under the bed came out and said: "OK, madam, your bed is fixed now." She told her husband that she called this guy to repair one of the legs of the bed. The husband...

The word for today is "legs"

Help spread the word.

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Theres a man on the beach with no arms or legs

3 girls walk by and start speaking to him.

Girl 1: Has anybody ever hugged you?

Man: No...

*she hugs him*

Girl 2: Had anybody ever kissed you?

Man: I wish but no...

*she gives him a kiss*

Girl 3: Have you ever been fucked?

Man: Never!!!
...

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6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

On Midnight of New Years Eve, I lifted my left leg.

Just wanted to start the year on the right foot.

Man visits his psychiatrist with Saran Wrap around his legs instead of pants

Doctor says "I can clearly see your nuts"

Why did the one legged man get a prosthetic leg for Christmas?

It was a stocking stuffer.

What do you call two guys,with no arms and legs, hanging above your window?

Well, that's Curt and Rod

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If a blind girl tells you your dick is the biggest she's ever felt...

She's probably pulling your leg.

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The year is 1939, and the USSR is invading Finland.

The Soviet army is marching through the Finnish swamps when they hear shouting from the other side of a nearby hill:

"I bet one Finn can beat ten Soviets!"

The Soviet officer laughs at this and sends ten of his best soldiers to deal with this guy. After a couple of minutes of shooting ...

Tell me your best "guy with no arms and no legs" joke.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, laying in a pile of leafs?

Russel!

What animal has four legs and one arm?

A pit bull on a playground.

What do you call a 3-legged donkey

A wonky

What do you call a political figure thats been shot in the leg?

a Handi-capitalist.

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A girl with no arms and legs

A man is walking along the beach when he heard distant crying. The crying got louder and louder when eventually he saw a girl lying in the sand, crying her eyes out.

"Why are you crying?" He asks the girl.
"I'm just so sad..*sniff* I've got no arms...no legs...and I've never been kissed b...

What's the best way to cook frog legs?

In a croak pot.

Whaddaya call a guy with no arms or legs trying to water ski?

Skip.

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Did you know that if you put your ear to a strangers leg, you can actually hear...

them yell "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?"

Why did the gingerbread man lose his legs?

He lost them in 'Nom

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What was the name of the skier with no legs.

Mr. Macockski

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Husband arrives home from work to his wife with a broken leg

Hubby: How are you doing??

Wife: Fine. Hey, do me a favour.. Go upstairs & get me my slippers. My feet are freezing!

Hubby goes upstairs & sees Wife's hot two sisters lying on the bed.

Hubby: Your sister sent me up to have sex with you girls..

Sisters: Prove it!<...

My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.

So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?"

What do you call 2 dogs with no legs on a leash?

A drag race

If American and Russian sprinters lost their legs

Would they have an arms race?

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I guy walks in to a bar. Has a story to tell.

He's sat at his local, looking kind of miserable. The barman says "Hey, how ya doin'? You don't look so good ...". The guy replies "Last night ... Last night was the worst night of my life."

"Oh really?" says the barkeep, "How bad can it be?"

So the guy tells his story:

...

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