John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in chu...

I have a dog with no legs called Cigarette.

Every day, I take Cigarette out for a drag.

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If girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where do girls with one leg work at?

IHOP

What has 4 legs and 1 arm?

A Rottweiler in a children's playground.

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

Honestly, I don't mind leg day at the gym

It's just the two days after that I can't stand

What do you call the meat on your lower leg?

Bologna

My friend challenged me to finish his bird drawing. He had already drawn the head, torso and legs.

To be honest, I just winged it.

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A grizzled old sea captain walks into a bar. He has a peg leg, an eye patch, and a hook hand.

The captain sits down and orders a drink. The bartender serves it, and asks the captain a question.

-If you don't mind, how did you get that peg leg?

-I were chasing the white whale, laddy! Dangerous business!

-Well, how did you get the hook hand?

-Yar, had me a swashbuck...

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Husband arrives home from work to his wife with a broken leg

Hubby: How are you doing??

Wife: Fine. Hey, do me a favour.. Go upstairs & get me my slippers. My feet are freezing!

Hubby goes upstairs & sees Wife's hot two sisters lying on the bed.

Hubby: Your sister sent me up to have sex with you girls..

Sisters: Prove it!<...

What do you call a donkey with one leg?

A wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye?
A winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye making love?
A bonky winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye, making love while breaking wind? <...

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in your swimming pool?

Bob.

What do you call him when he’s in your mailbox?

Bill.

At your front door?

Matt.

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs and in a pool?

Bob.

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I fucked a girl with one leg

Looking back, I think I should have used my dick

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What kind of cow has two legs?

Your mom.

Sorry... But my 11 year old just told me this and I lost my shit.

What do you call a man with one leg?

Anything you want. He can't run fast enough to catch you.

What do you call someone with no arms, no legs and an eyepatch?

Names.




All credit to Bo Burnham for this one.

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A pirate walks into a bar, with a wooden leg, a hook on his arm and an eye patch...

The Bartender looks at him and says " My god man, what happened to you?"

The pirate replies, " Well I'm a pirate. One day I did something wrong and they made me walk the plank. Before I could get out, a shark bit my leg off. Now I have to have a wooden leg."

Bartender asks, "what about...

A friend of mine lost a hand and a leg in an explosion, remaining with only his right ones.

When I asked him about it he said he was feeling left out.

I'm off to have my legs removed.

I won't be long.

Do you know why flamingos lift up one leg when sleeping?

Because if they lifted both legs they'd fall

What do you call a woman with one leg?

Eileen


What do you call an Asian woman with one leg?

Irene

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A guy walking on the beach finds a girl with no arms or legs... (NSFW)

He walks up and sees that she is crying, so he asks "hey why are you crying? Is everything okay?"
Laying there in the sand she sobbingly says "I have no arms or legs. No one has found me attractive my entire life and I've never been kissed before."
So this guy, being a nice guy decides "I'll...

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I met a Pirate with a peg leg, hook hand and eye patch

I asked how he lost his leg?

He replied: Arrrg I fought off a shark but he got me good leg

I then asked him how he lost his hand?

He replied: Me Captain cut it off for not sharing the plunder with me mates

I then asked well how did you lose your eye?

He replied: A ...

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Did you know that if you hold your ear up to a stranger's leg

You can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?"

What was the name of the lawyer with one leg?

Peggy Sue

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A lady with no arms and no legs...

...was lying in the sun by the pool.

A man walked into the pool area, and she called out to him: "Hey, come over here - I want you to fuck me."

He walked over, picked her up, threw her out into the pool, and said, "Okay - you're fucked."

What has 8 arms, 8 legs, and 8 eyes?

&nbsp;

&nbsp;

8 pirates... and also 8 homeless people by the year 2025.

Why do we tell actors to 'break a leg"

Because every play has a CAST

I tried to lie to my x-ray tech about my broken leg

But he could see right through me...


And then i didnt have a leg to stand on.

Leg amputees are the most courageous people on earth.

Whatever the situation, they never get cold feet.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Whatever you want; it aint commin to ya.

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A British pilot was shot down behind enemy lines...

A British fighter pilot was shot down over German occupied airspace and was captured by the Nazis on the ground.

He was beaten up pretty bad in the dogfight and parachute landing, and they had to amputate his leg, so he begged them "Please, if you have to take my leg, can you drop it over my...

What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for Christmas?

I don’t know. He hasn’t opened his presents yet.

A man with one leg came to work with a new watch.

His co-workers asked "How much did that cost?"

He replied " An arm and leg but I talked them down."

What do you call a Chinese man with an amputated leg?

Wan Shu

A man wakes from a coma and immediately starts shouting "I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!"

A doctor rushes to his side and says "That's because we amputated your arms."

A surgeon cut off the wrong leg at my hospital today!!!

The orthopedic surgeon at the local hospital I work at accidentally cut off the wrong leg of an infected diabetic patient. After he realized he cut off the wrong leg he couldn't leave the the other infected leg attached. So he had all of the administration and attorneys meet him in the operating ro...

Why was the man with no legs look so afraid?

He was all-armed

How the daddy long leg got it's name...

Scientists: *find a new species of spider* Scientist 1: let's name it long leg for it's long legs. Scientist 2: hmmm... not kinky enough...

Did you hear about the man who had two wooden legs?

His house caught fire. A neighbour called 911 and firemen responded. They saved the house but the man burned to the ground.

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party.

He doesn't know what costume to wear in order to not draw attention to his head or his leg, and he has a month to prepare so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a package with the following letter:

"Dear Sir:

Please find enclosed a compli...

An English man got his legs blown off

Another man runs up and says "oh my god where are your legs?!"
The English man say "I dunno, I'm bloody stumped"

What do you do if your baby is born with no arms and no legs?

You name it Matt.

Im going to Chernobyl but the trip costs an arm and a leg

Thankfully by the time I get back I will have a few to spare

A man with one leg recently got a job working at a brewery.

He was put in charge of the hops.

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A man is walking along the beach, and encounters a woman with no arms or legs

She catches him looking, so he feels it necessary to say hi. She explains that her caretaker left her there, while she went to get lunch. They chat for a while, and he stands to walk away. The woman looks at him, and blurts out:

"Hey. You're so nice and handsome. I'm embarrassed to even ask t...

Biologists say Beetles have 6 legs.

They forgot about Ringo.

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What has three legs and four arms?

My son's shit drawing of a snake.

What has two legs and is red all over

Half of a cat

The yoga teacher stretches her legs to the ceiling and suddenly farts

A student asks: "what position is that supposed to be?"
The teacher answers: "scented candle"

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What has 153 legs and stinks of piss?

A line dance at an old folks home.

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What do you name a dog with no hind legs and balls of steel?

Sparky

What do you call a dinosaur with a broken leg?

An owmilegisaur

Where do you find a cow with no legs?

Right where you left it.

There was a 6th grader who transferred to my school and had green legs and autism.

He was put into a special knees class.

What is brown, has four legs, green fur and if it falls from a tree, it kills you?

A pool table!

A dog limps into a saloon, with a bandage around his leg and a mean scowl. He looks around suspiciously. The barman, polishing whiskey glasses, eyes the dog and says ' Evenin' pardner, what happened to you? '

Dog replies 'Sombody shot my paw'.

Why is the priest glad Little Johnny has such short legs?

Because he always ends up asking to have his stool pushed in.

What do you call a hooker with no legs?

A night crawler

I was engaged to a girl with a wooden leg once. Things weren't going well.

I had to break it off.

Which mouse can walk with two legs? Mickey Mouse. But which duck can walk with two legs?

All of them dumbass

One pirate said to another, “Is that a steering wheel between your legs?”

The other pirate replied, “Aye, and it’s driving me nuts.”

What’s the difference between a beer barrel and a dog with no back legs

One has beery walls
And the other has weery balls

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A man was walking on a beach when he saw a woman with no arms or legs crying. He asked what was wrong. She said:

"I have no arms and no legs, and I've never been hugged."

He hugged her and kept walking. A few minuted later, he sees her crying again. He asked what was wrong now; She said:

"I have no arms and no legs, and I've never been kissed."

He kissed her and kept walking. A few minutes...

I broke my leg in three places: My Doctor said.

I advise you not to go to those three places again..

What do you call a Canadian with 8 legs?

A Cunuktapus

How can you tell the difference between a daddy long legs and a mommy long legs?

You count the legs.

My pet spider lost two of his legs

Now he’s an antputee

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Leg bite

me: \[googling\] what do I do - leg bleeding raccoon bite

google: elevate and apply pressure

me: \[lifting raccoon real high\] apologize or else !

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I saw a pirate at the bar, he had a claw for a hand, a peg leg, and an eye patch on.

I saw a pirate at the bar, he had a claw for a hand, a peg leg and an eye patch on.

I asked what misfortune caused the loss of his leg. “A shark bit me leg clean off”

Curiosity piqued, I asked about his hand. “This beheaded fish still had the gall to bite down mighty fierce”

Las...

The doctors amputated my leg at the knee, but I have no idea why.

Frankly, I'm stumped.

What animal has two gray legs and two brown legs?



An elephant with diarrhea

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I got invited to a benefit for women with no legs...

I heard it’ll be crawling with pussy

What do you call a lizard with 5 legs?

A reptile dysfunction

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in your pool?

Bob.

In a pile of leaves?

Russell.

In a hole?

Doug.

On a wall?

Art.

At your front door?

Matt.

Two armless legless men in front of your window?

Kurt and Rod.

When my grandpa was on his last legs, he said ' you selfish boy...'

and to honour his memory, I became a fishmonger.

originally from the one and only Milton jones

Why do cowgirls have bowed legs?

Because cowboys eat with their hats on.

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Guy driving down a highway sees a chicken with three legs overtaking him. He floors it

and the chicken stays ahead of him. He’s never seen anything like it, so he follows the chicken but it speeds up, 60, 80, 100 mph! He can barely keep it in sight, but sees it get off the highway and then, at the last second, sees it dash into a farmyard. He skids to a stop and sees the chicken run u...

A patient went to the Doctor and asked him to check his leg

"Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"


The doctor cautiously places his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Give me $10! I'm desperate! I need $10!"


"I've never seen or heard anything like this before! How long has this been going on?" the ...

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?

He's all right now.

I directed a movie about my broken leg.

It had a stellar supporting cast.

Where do horses go when they break their legs?

The HORSEpital hahahaha,



Jk they get shot

If Oscar Pistorius’s lower legs hadn’t been amputated

he would have been an un-de-feeted champion

Sometimes, I will squat to the floor, hug my legs, and lean forward.

That's just how I roll.

What animal has five legs?

A pitbull returning from a playground.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

It's still a cow, but if it's a flying cow, it becomes a high steaks situation.

Grandpa: What has 4 legs, but isn't alive ?

Boy: A chair, haha, nice try gran-

Grandpa - it's your dog. He's dead Jimmy.

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Why is it that when girls sit on a guys leg and play with him to get him hard it’s sexy...

...but when I do it I’m told to “get off Santa’s lap” and “never come back to the mall again”.

How did the gummy bear lose his leg?

He lost it in nom.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Where you left him.



I got this from an Easter cracker. It was pretty dark for Easter which made me laugh even harder.

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A little boy is in bath with his mother & asks "mummy why you have a split between your legs?"

His mother replies "That is where your Daddy hit me with the axe"

The boy then say "That's a pretty good shot mum he got you right in the cunt!"

(My husband tell me this one I laughed hard so share it)

Guy: Can I buy you a drink? Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.

Guy: Do they swell?
Girl: No. They spread.

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