John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in chu...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you know that if you hold your ear up to a stranger's leg

You can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?"

What do you call a hooker with no legs?

A night crawler

What do you call a cow with no legs?

A. Ground beef

Q. What do you call a cow with 3 legs?

A. Lean beef.

Q. What do you call a cow with 2 legs?

A. Your mom.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.

“How are you mate?”

“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.”

I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21 year old twin daughters lying naked on the bed.

I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you.<...

What do you call a dinosaur with a broken leg?

An owmilegisaur

What’s green, fuzzy, has 4 legs and can kill you if it falls out a tree?

A pool table

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What has three legs and four arms?

My son's shit drawing of a snake.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Call him whatever you want, he's not coming.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I got invited to a benefit for women with no legs...

I heard it’ll be crawling with pussy

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in your pool?

Bob.

In a pile of leaves?

Russell.

In a hole?

Doug.

On a wall?

Art.

At your front door?

Matt.

Two armless legless men in front of your window?

Kurt and Rod.

What do you call a lizard with 5 legs?

A reptile dysfunction

What animal has two gray legs and two brown legs?

&#x200B;

An elephant with diarrhea

If Oscar Pistorius’s lower legs hadn’t been amputated

he would have been an un-de-feeted champion

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a swimming pool?

Bob

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

where do you find a baby without legs??

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in the same spot you left him last time.

Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?”

Because every play has a cast

What has two legs and bleeds very strongly?

Half a cat.

Where do horses go when they break their leg?

The *horse*\-pital!

Just kidding, they get shot.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

It's still a cow, but if it's a flying cow, it becomes a high steaks situation.

Best name for a pet dog with no legs

Doesn’t matter, it won’t be able to come to you.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy driving down a highway sees a chicken with three legs overtaking him. He floors it

and the chicken stays ahead of him. He’s never seen anything like it, so he follows the chicken but it speeds up, 60, 80, 100 mph! He can barely keep it in sight, but sees it get off the highway and then, at the last second, sees it dash into a farmyard. He skids to a stop and sees the chicken run u...

A man goes into the doctor.

He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."
"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has thi...

I directed a movie about my broken leg.

It had a stellar supporting cast.

Did you hear about the man who had a dog without any legs?

Yeah, he called him cigarette.

He takes him out every night for a drag.

How did the gummy bear lose his leg?

He lost it in nom.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A girl with no arms or legs is sitting my a wharf

A man notices that she is crying and asks "why are you crying?"
She replies "I've never been hugged"
So the man gives her a hug.
She is still crying so the man asks "why are you still crying?"
She replies "I've never been kissed"
So the man kisses her.
She's still crying so the man...

What has 5 legs, 2 arms, and 3 feet?

The finish line of the Boston Marathon

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Where you left him.



I got this from an Easter cracker. It was pretty dark for Easter which made me laugh even harder.

What do you call a guy with no arms & legs floating in the water?

Dead, definitely dead.

I think my fridge has a broken leg

Cause it’s not running..

What has eight legs and barks?

Two dogs.

I really hate being a comedian so I broke my legs

Guess who’s not doing stand up comedy

What do you name a dog with no hind legs and steel balls?

Sparky.

What animal has five legs?

A pitbull returning from a playground.

Why didn't Napoleon eat chicken legs?

He didn't like defeat.

What do you cal two guys with no arms and no legs on either side of a window?

Kurt n’ Rod

Sometimes, I will squat to the floor, hug my legs, and lean forward.

That's just how I roll.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The doctor prescribed Viagra for the sunburn on my legs.

It didn’t cure the sunburn, but it kept the sheets off of my legs.

"Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?" [long]

Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friend's door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he asked, "Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?"

"Well, Michael, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the w...

"Answer all my questions, or I'll cut off your legs at the knees," said my interrogator.

I did pretty well for a while, but eventually he stumped me.

What did the patient with the broken leg say to their doctor?

Hey doc, I have a crutch on you.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was at the bar one night and having a drink with lady that was in a wheelchair due to a car wreck that left her without her legs. Which didn’t bother me at all, she was stunning. She was a tiny little thing and very beautiful, we hit it off pretty quick. So we decided to go back to her place.

We got to her place and I got the wheel chair for her and lifted her little body out of the car and rolled her inside the house. Once inside we had a few more drinks and things started to heat up between the two of us. I took off her little shirt and her little bottoms she was wearing and she tells ...

My girlfriend has a tatoo of a shell on the inner side of her upper leg

If you put your ear against it you can smell the sea

What do you call a Spanish footballer with no legs?

Gracias.

Guy: Can I buy you a drink? Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.

Guy: Do they swell?
Girl: No. They spread.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do you say "break a leg" to an actor ?

Cause without a good cast they are fucked

What says the nymphomaniac's right leg to her left leg, at the end of spring break ?

"Long time no see !"

A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel between his legs.

He says to the bartender, "ello mate, can I get a pint of bitter?" The bartender says "sure thing, but why is there a steering wheel between your legs?" The man says "No idea mate, but its driving me nuts."

What do you call an elf that has lost their leg?

Legoless

Do flies shave their legs?

No, but bees wax.

What has 8 eyes and 8 legs ?

8 pirates

To the man with no legs who stole my camouflage jacket:

You can hide but you can’t run!

Heard joke once. Man in hospital to have leg amputated.

Wakes up after operation, doctor by his bedside says: Sir, I have good news and bad news. Patient says: what is bad news? Doctor says: Sir, owing to tragic error surgeon amputated wrong leg. Patient screams, says: what in hell can possibly be good news? Doctor says: patient in next bed wants to buy ...

What has 18 arms, 11 legs and 34 hands?

A liar.

Did you know horses have six legs?

They have two legs at the back, and fore legs at the front

Grandpa: What has 4 legs, but isn't alive ?

Boy: A chair, haha, nice try gran-

Grandpa - it's your dog. He's dead Jimmy.

Did you hear about the shark attack victim that lost her left arm and left leg?

No? Well, she is all right now.

Boy: "Let's play firetruck game. I will move my hand up your leg till you say RED LIGHT" -Girl: "RED LIGHT"

Boy: "Firetrucks don't stop at red lights"

The son "Dad, what's between Mama's legs?"

The dad replied, "The doors to heaven."

The son asked, "What's between your legs?"

The dad says, "The keys to that door"

The son says, "Well you better change the lock cause the neighbor's got the spare."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I walked up to a girl with no arms or legs at the beach, she was crying.

I asked her why she was crying and she said, "I have never been hugged before".

So I crouched down and gave her a hug, she was still crying so I asked why she was still crying.

"I have never been kissed before", she said. So I leaned in and gave her a big ol' kiss.

She was STILL...

Man can't get his leg back after amputation.

Doctor: Unfortunately, we can't give you your amputed leg back.

Me: I want it, it's my right.

Chris used to drink only regular coffee, then he got in a car accident and lost both his legs below his knees...

Now he goes with de-calf.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

My severely diabetic Aunt Linda.

A man is driving down the road when he sees someone on the side of the road with three eyes, no arms and one leg ...

He pulls over and says, eye, eye eye, you look armless, hop in.

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?

Eileen...

Star Fish have an eye on the end of each leg

meaning all their treats are eye-candy

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A couple were in bed. The wife had turned over to go to sleep but the man decided to read. After a minute he stopped, put his hand between his wife’s legs and fondled her.

Then he stopped and went back to reading his book. As he did so, his wife turned round, sat up and took off her nightdress. “What are you doing that for?” asked her husband. “Well, after what you’ve just done, I thought you were keen for some sex.”

“Oh no, not at all,” he replied.

“Th...

What do you call someone who has had their legs blown off?

Defeated.

What's the best thing about screwing someone with no arms and legs?

You can use them as a pillow when you have finished and they can't fight back.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What’s a Mexican prostitute with no legs called?

Cuntswaylow

I met a girl with one leg shorter than the other.

I asked her name.

She said ”Ailene”.

I replied ”I can see that, but I asked for your name.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I didn't go to Vietnam and lose a leg to put up with this shit....

But you have both your legs???

LIKE I SAID!

I DID not go to Vietnam and lose a leg!

A drunk man borrows and loses his partner's prosthetic leg in a game of roulette in Las Vegas while she's asleep in their room. When she wakes up in the morning she is furious and sends him down to the tables to win it back...

..the man, now sober, is absolutely determined to make up for his sordid late night misdeed, and immediately challenges the casino to win back the prosthetic leg.

For the whole next day he is at the table, losing pile after pile of chips, thousands and thousands of dollars at a time.

...

Why did the weatherman take a leave of absence after breaking both arms and both legs?

He would have trouble working with the four casts.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pirate with an eye patch, a peg leg, and a hook walks into a bar.

The bartender notices him, and decides to ask about his injuries.

"So..." he starts off, "How'd you get that peg leg?"

"A shark bit off me leg."

"And the hook?"

"An enemy pirate cut off me hand."

The bartender gasps, fascinated by the pirate's stories.

"Wha...

Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM.

Confused, I asked him what he was doing... He said: “Just checking my balance.”

I know a man with one leg named Smith

i don’t know what he named the other one

I told my doctor I broke my leg in 2 places...

He said "don't go back to those places again".

There is an outstanding warrant for a man with a prosthetic leg who was caught importing drugs. But after a year, he has still not been caught

Police say they're stumped

You ever heard the sound of a cricket on its last leg?

... no one has.

My 5 year old's joke: What do you call a snake with no legs?

A snake.

What do you call a chicken with no legs and no wings?

A chicken nugget

A blonde and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a plane.

The lawyer asks the blonde if she wants to play a game, "All you have to do is ask a question and if i get it wrong or don't know it i give you five dollars, then i ask you a question and if you get it wrong you pay me five dollars." 

"No," she says, "I just want to sleep." 

He keeps a...

Yesterday, i saw a frog without legs

that's hopless

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why is an elephants leg considered a sexual organ in India?

When it steps on you, you’re fucked.

Where does someone with one leg work

I hop

Stick Your Head Between Legs

A stewardess did her usual act of showing passengers the safety drill. Near the end she said, "And in the event of an emergency, bend forward and put your head between your legs."


Eunice said to her boy friend Jeff, "I can't bend that far these days!"


Jeff replied with a smile,...

My Wife has been forcing me to stand on one leg for years.

Enough is enough. I had to put my foot down.

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair

Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” the girl smiled.

At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.”


Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”

What's got four legs and flies?

A dead horse.

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Dont put your legs on the table

A teacher told Yossi "Dont put your legs on the table!"
Yossi answered "But I also put my legs on the table at home"
The teacher answers, "really? And what does your mother tell you about it?"
Yossi: "she says 'don't put your legs on the table, your are not at school'"

What do you call a kid with no arms, no legs and an eye patch?

Names

What's about 12 inches long and hangs between Putin's legs?

Trump's tie.

What's that company that sells the table's legs separately?

IK*EA*

A few years ago I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.

It was a flop.

Our maintenance guy lost his legs on the jobs

now he's just a handyman!!

Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

To stop being mistaken for feminists.

What do you call a deer with one eye and a broken leg?

I have no eye-deer

What has 50 legs and 42 teeth?

The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.