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Toes Jokes

Why can’t Lebron James stand on his tippy toes?

He gets no support from his Cavs

I broke up with a girl who was missing a few toes

Because I am lack-toes-intolerant.

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The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head...

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I recently filmed my wife wanking me off with her toes...

Got some decent footage.

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Toes

Fellow picks up a girl in a bar, takes her home, they kiss, they make out, one thing leads to another and there they are, in bed, naked.

After some exciting foreplay, the fellow is about to consummate the deed, when the girl moans: "your toe, I want your toe!"

"EH?" the fellow responds...

A woman asked me to come back to her place for a nightcap.

After a couple of drinks she asks me to get undressed. I took off my shoes and socks and she screamed "what happened to your toes?"

Me-When I was a kid I had toelio.

Her-Do you mean polio?

Me-No girl, look at my toes. It was toelio.

Then I took off my pants. She screamed...

A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time

The man took off his shoes and socks revealing feet with missing and deformed toes.
"What happened to your feet?" his girlfriend asked.
"I had a childhood disease called Tolio " the man said.
"Don't you mean Polio?"
"No, Tolio, it only affects the toes."
Not wanting to ruin the moo...

I got frostbite and had part of my foot amputated. Then my girlfriend left me.

She was lack-toes intolerant.

I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes...

Doctor: It sounds like diabetes.

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The US Military had too many commanding officers so it offered a significant lump sum to those who retired...

They would measure whoever retired from one point on their body to another and pay $5,000 per inch. The first general asked to be measured from the top of his head to his tip toes and was paid $360,000. The second general was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched...

I was on a date recently with a girl who told me she was missing her big toes.

I ended it on the spot. I'm lack toes intolerant.

I started dating a guy, but then I found out he lost all of his toes in a freak work accident

Unfortunately, I'm lack toes intolerant.

(This joke inspired by an 8 year old)

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A guy picks up a girl

They go to his room and have sex multiple times. After the 5th or 6th time, they both fall asleep. The guy wakes up in the middle of the night with a sore penis. He tip toes to the kitchen, pours some cold milk in a bowl and puts his penis in that. That gave him some relief.

Suddenly he heard...

I refuse to talk to anyone who has less than 10 toes.

I am lack toes intolerant.

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After returning home from the Vietnam war, a general stands before three of his soldiers.

He says, “For your bravery and dedication, you will be greatly rewarded. This is what we’re going to do: choose any length of your body to be measured, and I will give you as many million dollars as feet the part you chose is long.”

The first soldier spreads his arms as much as he can and ask...

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What do you call the sexualization of toes?

A feetish

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3 Missing Toes

Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house,
she was very nervous.

Her mother reassured her;

'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.

Meanwhil...

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Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.

The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and s...

My new coworker is missing some toes. I dont like him.

I am Lacktoes Intolerant.

My friend hates people with less toes...

My friend hates people with 9 or less toes. He is lacktoes intolerant.

What has five toes but isn't your foot?

My foot.

Why do cows have hooves and not toes?

Because they lactose.

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Hello Willie

An old bloke woke up to celebrate 92nd birthday and spoke to his toes.

He said, “Hello toes! How are you? You know, you're 92 today. Oh the times we’ve had! Remember we walked in the park in the summer every Sunday afternoon? The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday, toes!”
...

Why does the skeleton have blue toes?

Because he kicked the bucket

Why can’t T. rex touch their toes

They are all dead

Why do ballerinas dance on their toes?

So they don’t wake up the audience!

Ya know somedays i can fully touch my toes

and other days i’m a foot away

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A guy goes to the doctor, and finds out that he's got chlamydia on his toes...

The Doc says, "Hmmm... what an odd coincidence. Last week I had a woman show up with a case of athletes cunt!

Why does Yeast have 7 toes?

Because it is in bread.

I've got a foot fetish, but they have to have all ten toes...

I'm lack-toes intolerant.

My wife left me after I've had front parts of my feet sawn off.

Turns out she's lack toes intolerant.

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife said, ‘How many potatoes would you like?’. I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’ She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.

'Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow

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An old man decides he wants to meet his grandson before he dies

He lives in the wilderness like a hermit so he hardly ever meets anyone. So he invites his young grandson over to mark one item off his bucket list. His grandson arrives and notices his grandfather is scarred all over and missing some of his limbs, most noticeably one of his hands.


"Ho...

Why'd the cheese factory fire the guy with no toes?

They were lack toes intolerant.

No-Toe Joe was the restaurant's best waiter

Something of a local attraction, he wore flip-flops to show off his signature missing digits. Despite those, however, he was a fast worker, efficient, personable, and a generally great guy. Everyone loved to work with him, and everyone loved being served by him.

Well, almost everyone.

...

My friend asked me if I suck all the toes or just the big one

I told him I treat all toes fairly, I just don’t wanna start off on the wrong foot.

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toe curl

A virgin is finally getting his groove on with a willing young lady for the first time. Afterwards he's got a few questions about the experience and has to ask, What's the deal with your toes curling up every time I put my dick in you. Well she responded, you were so eager to get it on you didn't gi...

I hate when people have missing toes!

You might even say I'm...lack toes intolerant.

(Is this a dad joke? The gf is pretty baby crazy lately and i dont know if im ready yet)

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An elephant is walking through the jungle

She steps over a fallen tree and gets a splinter in between her toes. She tries and tries to get it out but just ends up wedging it in deeper, driving her to tears.

She can't move much and is in a miserable state. Along comes a mouse.

"Please, Mr. Mouse, take this splinter out of my fo...

What is the brown sticky stuff between an elephant's toes?

Slow natives.

My girlfriend reminds me of my pinky toe

She's small, cute, and will probably end up getting banged on my coffee table tonight

When people’s feet fall asleep, why don’t their toes signal for help?

They’re coma-toes.

What do you call someone who wears a condom on his toes?

Roberto

What do you call a person who dislikes people who don’t have toes?

Lack toes intolerant.

I broke up with my girlfriend after she had her toes accidentally chopped off.

I guess that makes me lack-toes-intolerant.

My Aunt Betty lost both her feet in a tragic accident but she's still taller than her sister Susan which means Betty is...

Lack toes and taller Aunt.

What do you call a woman who does not have all her toes on one foot?

Normal

My mate Tom lost his two big toes in an accident. We now call him ...

Tomatoes

What you call toes that taste like mint?

Tic-tac-toe!

My 8 year old daughter made this one up.

What do cannibals eat to freshen their breath?

Men toes

I feel it in my fingers... I feel it in my toes...

The harsh pain of rheumatoid arthritis

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