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The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head...

Why do cows have hooves and not toes?

Because they lactose.

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A guy picks up a girl

They go to his room and have sex multiple times. After the 5th or 6th time, they both fall asleep. The guy wakes up in the middle of the night with a sore penis. He tip toes to the kitchen, pours some cold milk in a bowl and puts his penis in that. That gave him some relief.

Suddenly he heard...

Leading entomologists experimenting with ant larvae have reported that while the introduction of milk-born disaccharides increased their height by 31%, it also inhibited tarsus growth by 47%.

The study concluded that the resulting specimens lack toes in taller ants.

What do you call it when someone can’t stomach being around a person with less than 10-toes?

Lack Toes Intolerant

What has 5 toes and isn't your foot?

My foot.

My dad works for a company that focuses on the health of the lower 3/4 of the body, and yesterday he just became the CEO.

Now he's the Head of Shoulders, Knees, and Toes!

I've got a foot fetish, but they have to have all ten toes...

I'm lack-toes intolerant.

When people’s feet fall asleep, why don’t their toes signal for help?

They’re coma-toes.

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A cab driver picks up a Nun...

The driver looks in the rear view mirror and says, "Excuse me sister, I've always fantasised about having sex with a nun."

The nun replies, "Yeah, you and everyone else. Tell me are you a Catholic?"

"Actually I am" says the cabbie.

The nun then climbs into the front seat and giv...

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Paul Simon, Art Garfunkel and Peter Fonda are hanging out towards the end of the Swinging Sixties...

*Easy Rider* has just come out, Simon and Garfunkel are about to release *Bridge Over Troubled Water*, and the three men are the epitome of counter-culture cool. They're all pretty stoned, and Paul Simon turns to Peter Fonda, and says, "Hey, Peter, you wanna see something really groovy?"

Pete...

Breaking news

Teacher Arrested At Pearson Airport
A high school teacher was arrested today at Toronto's Pearson Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a press conference, Premier Kathleen Wynne said she believ...

What do cannibals eat to freshen their breath?

Men toes

Yo mama so fat

That all she wishes for Christmas is to see her toes

My friend asked me if I suck all the toes or just the big one

I told him I treat all toes fairly, I just don’t wanna start off on the wrong foot.

My mate Tom lost his two big toes in an accident. We now call him ...

Tomatoes

Why can’t Lebron James stand on his tippy toes?

He gets no support from his Cavs

Why didn't the guy date the model with no legs?

He was lack toes intolerant

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A man pays 25 dollars for a lady of the night…

They go to a motel room and the man starts to undress. First he peels of his socks.
“What’s wrong with your toes” the prostitute asks after seeing his mangled, disgusting feet.
“When I was a kid I got toelio”
“Don’t you mean polio?”
“No, toelio”
The man continues to undress and then t...

Why does the skeleton have blue toes?

Because he kicked the bucket

Ya know somedays i can fully touch my toes

and other days i’m a foot away

There was a video caught on camera of a man who actually ate 4 of his toes

Needless to say, it was very shaky Footage.

A few months ago my friend lost three toes in a work accident. Today his wife left him because she said that she couldn’t handle it....

.....I guess she was lack toes intolerant.

Two cannibals sat across from each other for lunch.

They decided to share what seemed to be a rather thin and short fellow between the two of them for lunch. One started at the brow line the other at the toes. The cannibal on the top side made his way to the shoulder and asked the other "You said before you have never eaten around here before so what...

I had a friend who lost a toe in an accident.

We aren't friends any more, I'm extremely lack toes intolerant.

A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time.

A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time

The man took off his shoes and socks revealing feet with missing and deformed toes. "What happened to your feet?" his girlfriend asked. "I had a childhood disease called Tolio " the man said. "Don't you mean Polio?" "N...

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True story about quick thinking as a dad:

When my kids were little they would visit grandma and her old wood floor gave them splinters if they were barefoot. Every weekend I would end up pulling splinters out of their toes and feet. They would howl something fierce but once the splinter was out they would be so glad.

Cut to a year l...

Two marines played a mean prank on an army soldier: after boarding a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston, they decided to put their plan into action... one sat in the window seat, and the other sat in the middle seat waiting for their buddy to join them, and pretty soon he did...

Just before take-off, an army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two marines. The soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the marine in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the soldier, "I'll get it for ...

The Three Kingdoms of Int

In a faraway land called Int there lay three kingdoms: the Smaller, the Taller, and the Medium. An adventurer by the name of Jawn came to the three kingdoms, looking for the fabled elixir of Blue Milk. Jawn knew that this fabled elixir lay in one of the kingdoms of Int so he went to each kingdom. Ho...

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After returning home from the Vietnam war, a general stands before three of his soldiers.

He says, “For your bravery and dedication, you will be greatly rewarded. This is what we’re going to do: choose any length of your body to be measured, and I will give you as many million dollars as feet the part you chose is long.”

The first soldier spreads his arms as much as he can and ask...

My 8-year old nephew told me a joke the other day, and it was priceless... Why can't Santa touch his toes?

Because he doesn't exist!

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I recently filmed my wife wanking me off with her toes...

Got some decent footage.

Why does Yeast have 7 toes?

Because it is in bread.

Why should you always get a pedicure before planting your garden?

Toes before hoes

Why couldn’t the bigot with no feet drink milk?

Because they lack toes n tolerance

What's the difference between a foot and a camera?

The foot has five toes.
The camera has photos.

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My mother taught me...

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm go...

No-Toe Joe was the restaurant's best waiter

Something of a local attraction, he wore flip-flops to show off his signature missing digits. Despite those, however, he was a fast worker, efficient, personable, and a generally great guy. Everyone loved to work with him, and everyone loved being served by him.

Well, almost everyone.

...

Why can’t T. rex touch their toes

They are all dead

A woman on Bumble tried to sell me pics of her toes but it didn't work out.

I guess I got off on the wrong foot.

Why did a girl dump his boyfriend when he revealed that he doesn’t have toes?

Because she was LACTOSE INTOLERANT

What do you call a guy that's mad about his feet getting run over?

Lack-toes intolerant

A baby Camel asks his Mother

"Mom, why do we have these huge three-toed feet?"

The mother replies, "Well son when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand."

"Bloody Brilliant!" Says the baby camel.

A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great ...

A man and woman are on a first date, everything is going great between them.

The man suggests they go to a local milk bar to share a milkshake, but the woman declines, saying she can’t have that stuff. Whilst searching for somewhere else to go, a car comes out of nowhere barreling towards them. The man is able to push his date out of the way, but the car runs over his foot, ...

I've been avoiding this guy who lost all his toes in a freak knife accident.

When he asked me why, I told him its because I'm lack toes intolerant.

What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped his toes?

Mitosis

Sometimes you have to step on people's toes if you want to progress in life.

Unless you hope to be a professional ballroom dancer.

I cracked my wife’s toes before bed.

So she offered to crack mine.

Quid Pro Toe.

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