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Figures Jokes

Not to brag, but made six figures this year

They named me the worst employee at the toy factory

If Historical figures only had a Jewish Mother...

MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER: "After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?"


CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call, you didn't write."


MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER: "A ceiling you paint? No...

I made six figures last month.

But apparently Mattel wants to fire me because that's not enough Barbies

Last year I made seven figures.

And that’s why I got sacked from the action figure factory.

A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast

**A young man with a few hours** to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the youn...

I had a party for the worlds greatest historical figures, here are their RSVPs

Isaac Newton: "I'll drop in."

Socrates: "I'll think about it."

Charles Darwin: "I'll wait to see what evolves."

Marie Curie: "I am radiating enthusiasm."

Ivan Pavlov: "I'm positively drooling at the thought."

Albert Einstein: "It will ...

There's a detective who figures out crime by sitting on the toilet.

He solves cases by process of elimination.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him

Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinalsthat he had some good news and some bad news.

The bad news was that the Pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was ha...

Where do toy stores keep their Schwarzenegger action figures?

Aisle B, back.

I've got a job making plastic dracular figures but there's only two of us on the production line.

I have to make every second count

What’s the difference between someone who doesn’t understand figures of speech, and a burglar?

The first takes things literally. The other takes things, literally

I make six figures a year

and that's the reason I am taking forever to finish my master thesis.

I made six figures today...

a square, rectangle, triangle, circle, hexagon, and a polyhedron.

A man dies one day and finds himself in Hell, much to his surprise.

The man has never sinned, he has attended church somewhat regularly and often gives to charity.

He asks at the gate if there has been a mistake to which the ferryman gives no answer.

He figures there is little hope for him, but somehow he will make the best of his situation.

He ...

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
...

My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.

My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.

Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"

Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."

Doesn't have a clue why I was laughin...

In 12 months, my startup has gone from $0 in monthly revenue to 8-figures in monthly revenue.

Here's how we did it:

August 2021: $0

August 2022: $0.0000000

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have an unhealthy sexual attraction towards figures in Greek mythology ever since

\
I laid my eyes on Medusa. Been rock hard ever since.

Last night I sawa host of pale, emaciated figures, with haunted eyes that showed the agony of living death.

It was my first time in a vegan restaurant.

My yearly salary is over six figures.

I bring in a cool $27,739.48 per year.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four nuns die and go to the heaven

They line up in front of the gates of heaven, and an angel asks them some questions to let them in.

The first nun comes, and the angel asks "What do you know about a dick?". She replies "I've heard of it." The angel shows her a bowl of holy water and tells her to wash her ears with it. Nun do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man in a bar starts talking to a prostitute.

He says, “How much for a hand job?” She says it’s $250. He says, “$250 for a lousy hand job? That’s crazy!“

She says, “Honey, follow me," and takes him outside. “See that Ferrari? I bought that Ferrari just with money from hand jobs. I give the best in the world.”

So he figures he’ll t...

I make six figures a year

By the end of 2020 I’m hoping complete 3 Darth Vaders, 2 Boba Fetts, and 1 Spider-Man.

If you were to steal a historical figures research notebooks what you steal?

Charles Darwin’s would be my natural selection.

A guy gets on an airplane and finds himself sitting next to a talking duck.

A gorgeous young stewardess comes by and asks the guy and the duck if they would like anything to drink.

"I would like a cup of coffee, please," says the guy.

"And I'd like a can of beer, you ugly pig!" shouts the duck.

The stewardess goes and gets a can of beer for the duck. Bu...

My friend told me I could make six figures as a sculptor

He was technically right, but I still feel mislead

I hate action figures with no feet

I just can't stand them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three people arrive at the gates of Heaven

St Peter is processing them in. "Name and occupation, please?"

The first one says "Andrea Smith, I was a doctor."

"Of course. Doctors who save lives are allowed. Come in. Next?"

The second one says "Megan Jones, I was a nurse."

"Of course. Nurses who care for the sic...

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night.

When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. T...

I’m so excited for the new Toy Story action figures!

I’m getting a woody.....

I had a really good job and i was making six figures

Now I'm just making stick figures

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The wives and husbands stores

There's a store somewhere in a small town that advertises selling ready-to-go husbands for women who wish to settle down. One day a woman walks in looking for a husband.

As she walks in, she sees a sign that says "Welcome to Husbands 'R Us! This store has 6 floors. On each floor you will fin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

There's a man named Johnson who owns a nail company, Johnson Nails.

Business had been slow lately, so Johnson figures he might want to try putting out a youtube video to drum up some business.

He goes to an advertising agency and meets a man named Jim who assures him he can make the perfect ad for Johnson's company. He tells Johnson to come back the nex...

I'm creating a WWE match between origami figures.

It's paper view.

A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of the finest whiskey...

...the bartender looks at him a bit weird since he's alone, but pours the man a shot. The guy says, no, I'd like them all lined up, ready to go. The bartender this this is a bit odd, but the bar is empty, and figures, why not, this guy probably had a rough day or something. The man starts with the f...

Human organs are the opposite of old action figures

People pay a lot more for them once you take them out to the original packaging

The Longest Memory in the World

One day, a young man takes a trip out West and comes across a little Native American village. He decides, what the heck, he'll stop and look around. One of the Native women, seeing that he's not from around, tells the man he should visit the Chief, who she says has the longest and best memory in the...

What do you call it when you misplace your Lego Lord of the Rings mini figures?

A Lego Legolas Loss.

Aunt Bessie figures it all out...

Aunt Bessie loves to meet and pamper her nieces and nephews, but she is limited only to her city, as she has a severe fear of flying. *"Who knows! Someone may be carrying a bomb!"*. Her relatives try and try to convince her how safe it is to fly nowadays, but 'she ain't gonna listen to nobody!'
<...

I'm okay with most figures and tables...

But graphs are where I draw a line.

My dad told me there are no monstrous figures who are good at math...

Unless you Count Dracula.

My friend went to the doctors worrying that he had caught the Coronavirus from his complete collection of Matt Groening animation figures.

Luckily his diagnosis was negative, despite having all the Simpsons.

Business was great last year. I made 6 figures.

$2,784.93

Making 6 figures a year sounds like a dream come true...

Unless you work for an action figure manufacturing company. Then it sounds like a quick way to the unemployment line.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The great detective Herlock Sholmes was hired to investigate the disappearance of one of the most important political figures in the nation.

He was quickly briefed on the current situation: at two in the morning, a young woman named Andrea had been captured by an unknown party. Now normally, a kidnapping wouldn’t be something to call in the great Herlock Sholmes for, but Andrea was a special case.

In the nation of Modgasia, the go...

One of my bank accounts is 8 figures

$0.0000001

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing

He is on the second hole when he notices
a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks
nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,
"Ribbit. 9 Iron." The man looks around and
doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron."

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog
wrong...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nick had always wanted to own a motorcycle, which is why he leapt at the chance when a friend of a friend was selling his bike

The bike, despite being old, was in immaculate condition.

"How do you keep it so pristine?" asks Nick.

"Oh, it's easy! Any time it's about to rain, I just coat the body with vaseline, and the rain and mud just slips right off! Here, I'm not going to need it anymore, why don't you take ...

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