UPJOKE
somelittleleastlessnumerousnessthanmanysmallratherallseveralthesebutotherone

Fewer Jokes

Do you know why there are fewer 'all men are trash' posts now?

Christmas is coming

Why are fewer people going into archeology?

Coz career advancement is in ruins.

Boss: "You've got to find a way to make fewer mistakes on the job"

Worker: "Ok, how about I come in later in the morning?"

Since quitting alcohol, my car has seen much fewer accidents.

Now I just need to encourage it to stop smoking.

Why do fewer people get asked out on dates after April?

Because no ones got confidence in May

Does the body burn fewer calories in a day in amputees?

Yes. By an arm and a leg.

Fewer people are decorating eggs these days ...

It’s a dyeing art.

What do you call it when fewer and fewer school kids go to the playground?

A recession.

I hate when people use “fewer” when the should use “less.”

But it’s bothering me fewer and fewer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The more and more people complain about fewer vs less....

The less fucks I give

Trump says to Pence, "China's mining too many ores"

Pence: What are you going to do?
Trump: Order more tariffs to make them mine less.
Pence: Mine fewer.
Trump: Shhh, don't call me that yet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Sir, we're mining too many useless minerals."

Hitler: "Mine less then"

*Grammar Nazi bursts in*

"MINE FEWER."

*Hitler looks over* "Yes?"

[EDIT](http://www.reddit.com/r/AntiJokes/comments/2dmxah/sir_were_mining_too_many_useless_minerals/)

Every year fewer people train to become morticians.

Some say it's a dying business.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm trying to tell fewer dick jokes

But it's really hard

Study Finds Birth Control Pills Linked to Fewer Severe Knee Injuries in Teen Girls...

This is easily explained by the fact that they spend less time on their knees, and more time on their backs.

Fewer US schools are selling candy, soda and chips to students

After all, that stuff is horrible for pregnancies!

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A man dies and ends up in Hell.

A man dies and ends up in hell, Satan shows up and walks him down a hallway, explaining that he would choose his torment from a selection of doors.


The first door opens up onto a vast expanse and millions of people standing on their heads on concrete. This doesn't have much appeal so the...

i'm not german, but this is a little jokie joke

Overheard at the White House:

Trump to Vice-President Mike Pence: "the less immigrants we let in the better."

Pence to trump: "The FEWER.."

Trump interrupts Pence and says: "don't call me that in public".

[Politics] Trump: 'The less immigrants we bring in the better'

Pence: 'The fewer'

Trump: 'I told you not to call me that yet'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend is visiting Germany this week. I suggested he might want to make it a permanent move.

There's fewer Nazis over there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A general approaches hitler

“Sir, our mining operations are overwhelmed, we aren’t able to ship what we produce. We are simply producing far too many tons of ores!

Hitler responds: “Just mine less”

A grammar nazi interjects: “Mine fewer”

What is the difference between an irish wedding and an irish funeral?

One fewer drunk person.

With all my high level degrees and PHD's, I stumbled upon these questions......... 1. If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous? 2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

3. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?r>
5. Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

6. Every time you clean something, you just make som...

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There once live a man named Keith.

Keith’s mother had instilled in him the wisdom of an old adage: “Obsessions are only a problem if you have fewer than two.” To that end, Keith made sure that he always had at least two obsessions on the go. And as the years passed, and Keith married and settled down, two particular passions endured...

One morning the Viceroy of India went to visit his old army pal Major Barrington, who owned an orchard.

Walking through the orchard, the Viceroy marveled at all the different varieties of fruit: oranges, apples, bananas, pineapples, mangoes, guavas. "Why, you must have twenty different types of apples I've never heard of!" he remarked.

"Oh, that's nothing," replied the Major. "I'll bet you ther...

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It's a relief to know the truth…

…after all those conflicting medical studies.

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suff...

Passwords NSFW

"Sorry, your password has been in use for 90 days and has expired - you must register a new one."

roses

"Sorry, too few characters."

pretty roses

"Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character."

1 pretty rose

"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces." ...

What's the difference between my horse and my gf ?

Fewer people have riden my horse

Putin: There’s a lot less Ukrainian soldiers surrendering than I expected.

Putin’s stooge: It’s fewer, Mr. President.

Putin: Don’t call me that. Yet.

Trump and Pense at a press briefing.

Trump: “if we tested less, we’d have less cases”.
Pense: “fewer”
Trump: “I told you not to call me that in public”.

What did the blonde do when she learned 1 in 8 women will get breast cancer?

She decided to only hang out in groups of 7 or fewer.

A joke my Polish friend loved.

[Full of errors I'm sure. On to the brilliant joke.]

A polish farmeris tilling his field. It's another beautiful spring day when suddenly his plough hits something. Upon inspection he sees that it's some sort of golden lamp. He dusts it off and a genie comes out of it and says to the humble p...

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A man suddenly experiences severe pains, and makes it to the nearest hospital...

But unfortunately it's a children's hospital. Thankfully, the doctors are able to see him, but they determine he needs surgery.

Unfortunately, the hospital is ill-equipped for a man his size.

The first option was to send him to another hospital nearby, but he's feeling too ill for the...

What's the difference between Chris Brown and a Tesla?

The Tesla gets fewer battery charges in a year.

My girlfriend has just told me, she thinks we'd have less arguments if I wasn't so pedantic.

I told her, "I think you mean fewer".

A man asks his wife “how many truly great men do you think there are in the world?”

She replies:

I don’t know, but I can tell you this: there is one fewer than you think.

Everyone knows that venison is deer meat

Few know of Vanison, which is what happens when your deer is hit by a van...

and still fewer know about Vennison which shares qualities with both.

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Why is golf better than sex?

The fewer the strokes, the better you are.

Which month do wives complain the least?

February because it has fewer days.

So Donald Trump was discussing domestic policy with Mike Pence

Donald Trump- *The more walls we build, the less Mexicans will come here.*

Mike Pence- *The “fewer.”*

Donald Trump- *I thought we agreed to not call me that in public yet.*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wrote this one a few years ago

A priest, Father John Mclanahan is walking down the street when he bumps into an old friend, Rabbi John Goldman. They haven’t seen each other since college. They happen to be heading to the same part of town, so they decide to walk together and catch up on old times. They reminisce about their frien...

My new year's resolution is to do less drugs

No wait, _fewer_ drugs—it's to do fewer drugs

Cindy and Lucy were to high-powered DC lawyers.

They had been childhood friends, gone to the same law school, and gone into partnership together. Through their hard work, they became well known in the DC area and bumped elbows with politicians.

One summer, they decided to hold a fourth of july party and invite all the members of congress....

COVID-19 didn't kill John Conway. It was the social distancing.

He had fewer than 2 neighbors.

[Credit to "Darren New" on YouTube for this one. Also, if you find this funny, you're an awful person.]

Lite: the new way to spell “Light,”

now with 20% fewer letters!

Just developed an app that let's me condense really long paragraphs into a couple of lines.

I've always struggled with being able to express myself in fewer words and hence had to find something that would help me So I booted up my pc and got to coding until I finally did it! I successfully created an app that reads through all my typed and creates the most optimal sentence to summarise ev...

So many people are bothered about correct grammar

But I couldn't care fewer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex with ghosts

A spiritualist meeting, and the leader asks the crowd, "Who here believes in ghosts?" Most of the hands go up. "Has anyone here seen a ghost?" Fewer hands go up. "Heard a ghost?" "Smelled a ghost?" "Touched a ghost?" Fewer hands go up each time. Finally, he asks "Has anyone here ever had sex...

A ruthless mafia tortures its debtors who cannot pay their debts

They always use needles in torturing their unfortunate debtors, so that they inflict a lot of pain without killing the debtors.

Because of this, all the debtors to this mafia repay their debts on time.

And there are fewer pointless deaths.

So I realized that I'm trans a few months ago

And you know what? In a lot of ways it's made life easier. Estrogen definitely causes mood swings but I feel like I've been having fewer and fewer bad days.

Yep, it sure does feel easier to keep my head over the water now that I'm boyn't.

If you read the bible backwards its about a man sent to earth on a cross who is helped down by some Romans and told to go on his way. He then travels the world making people blind and giving them leprosy. He even ruins a meal for a huge crowd by turning all their food into 2 fish and 5 loaves.

He gets fewer followers as time goes by and in the end he's lying in a stable and 3 old men steal all his presents.

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The King of all the gorillas was having a yard sale

The king of all the gorillas, mister Kong, was having a yard sale. He decided to sell his items collected over the years of roaming in the forests. He had been lowering his sale prices over the course of the day as fewer and fewer people were coming by.

Finally, one passer by came to buy his...

So Donald Trump was talking to one of his aides, and off on one of his usual rants

“We need less immigrants! Less Mexicans! Less Colombians! Less Guatemalans! Less Puerto Ricans!”

Finally the aide couldn’t take it anymore, leaned in and said quietly: “fewer.”

“I told you not to call me that yet!!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Captain America and a Grammar Nazi are working for a diamond mine

Captain America and a Grammar Nazi are working for a diamond mine, and they have a meeting with a consultant. The consultant tells them that the mine is flooding the market with too many cheap diamonds, and their income is dropping as a result.

Captain America says, "Well, if you're correct, ...

Heard that Poland is a lot like Britain...



Just with fewer Polish people

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You have died and gone to hell

When you arrive in hell, you are greeted with a very happy and joyful Satan

Satan: WELCOME TO HELL!!!!! Please, let’s get you checked in and see where you will fit in our depths.

Satan scans the book of life. Locates your name

Satan: Ohhh, I see!!!! OH, WOW that is a lot of ti...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A legend of the Native Americans

While many people know of Sequoya, the Native American genius who developed the Cherokee alphabet, fewer have heard of another visionary – yet he made a discovery no less groundbreaking, owing nothing to the white man’s knowledge.

It fell out like this: In the early 1800s, a certain chief, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler is speaking to his advisers...

He was surrounded by all of the lead managers and advisers of his entire Reich. His main adviser told him how amazing and efficient Germany was.

"All of ze industries are over performing and creating enough resources for ze new world. Except perhaps ze mining industry, sir. Zey are performin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler is chairing a Nazi economic meeting.

The Reich’s Commerce Minister is delivering a tremendously boring report on minerals, and Hitler is about to nod off. “We are mining too many ores that are useless to the war effort. We need to mine less,” the minister says.

The Reich’s Chief Engineer, who is a stickler for grammar, is irrita...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Hitler were alive today, he'd hate playing Minecraft

Whenever he'd start mining diamonds, his generals would yell out "mine fewer!"

There was a contest in high jumps in pool

(small explaantion before joke start - in my contry Bosnian man are usually laughing stock )

There was a contest in high jumps in pool!

Winner will be the one who disturbs less water in pool and fewer drops of water get out of the pool.

Three man applied - man from USA, man from...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Golf is like the opposite of masturbating

It’s gets more impressive the fewer strokes it takes you to finish

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer has 1000 chickens.

He keeps them all in a large barn behind his house. He makes a comfortable living from selling their eggs. One day, however, the chickens' egg production drops off sharply. Days and weeks go by, and the chickens continue to lay fewer and fewer eggs. Worried for his livelihood, the farmer makes a num...

A man flirts with a mathematician

"Imagine you are a variable and your clothes are constants, and then you derive."

"Well, I would be naked but I would also have fewer curves."

Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!

Way fewer bars!!!

Satan was severely depressed.

Fewer and fewer souls each new year were coming to hell and it was soon becoming quite empty. So Satan hired an analyst to find out what was going wrong. The analyst traveled all over hell, interviewed lesser demons, and surveyed the experiences of tortured souls, taking notes here and there. A week...

A group of soldiers was fighting against a group of rebels...

They had been fighting for a few years now, and many people, including innocent citizens, had lost their lives during this period. The soldiers tried and tried to rid the city of the rebels, but the latter was a strong resistance and were hard to defeat. Regardless of the many new personnel, bases a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A grammar nazi was working in the iron mines

A grammar nazi was working in the iron mines, when one of the miners went up to Hitler and gave him a report.

Hitler told the man, "You are mining too much iron. Mine less!"

The grammar nazi could not help himself and shouted, "Mine fewer!"

Hitler said, "Yes?"

I went to the pub and drank 10 beers...

When I finished them I ordererd 9 beers and drank them all. After that 8 then 7 and so on. The weirdest thing was; When I drank fewer beers, I became more drunk!

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What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Donald Trump?

Bill fucked fewer people in the Oval Office.

What does a communist teenager want?

Fewer classes

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