UPJOKE
trivialunimportantlittlejuniorpiddlingnarrowthieverylarcenyfiddlingpicayunelowlysubalternsecondarylilliputiansmall-minded

Petty Jokes

What do you call a large reptile who likes to stir up petty fights on social media?

An Insta-gator.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m opening a Tom Petty themed Japanese Restaurant

It’ll be called, “Udon, know how it feels”

Don't sweat the petty things.

Also: don't pet the sweaty things

I’m going to join the Navy purely out of spite

I’m longing to become a Petty Officer.

My wife and I laugh about how petty and competitive we are.

But I laugh much more.

Gods are petty and cruel

Just like the people who created them.

Why does Tom Petty prefer to dive into a pool?

Because the wading is the hardest part.

I don't think my GF is what Tom Petty would call and American Girl

She doesn't take it easy, and unfortunately, doesn't make me last all night.

What kind of underwear did Tom Petty wear?

He didn’t. He was free ballin’.

Tom Petty died yesterday of a cardiac arrest

I blame the Heartbreakers

TIL Tom Petty had a brother that owned his own nail salon

Manny Petty

Jerusalem has a lot of petty crime. Thieves will steal anything not nailed down.

...which is why they even had to nail down Jesus.

I committed a petty theft today...

The cops took me in on charges for a salt and battery.

I guess Tom Petty must have gone to heaven.

He'd be back from the gates of hell otherwise.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman joins a country club, and when she hears some guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."


He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.


They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."


She's there at 6:30 am. sharp ...

Some poor children in Victorian London were listening to Christmas songs

They heard that Santa Claus gives coal to children who aren´t on his nice list, and so they commit as many petty crimes as possible to be on his naughty list so as to not die of hypothermia.

A man and his wife play petty games with each other regularly in order to one-up the other.

One morning his wife wakes him up hollering "I'm so much better than you that I even beat you at getting up in the morning".

This continued for some time, as his wife woke him up early and continuously drove home how better than him she was.

One day when he left for work his friend, wh...

Our chemistry professor told us he was excited about winning a platinum award on reddit. Someone responded “ Well, thats petty. “

He said, “No, actually, it’s Pt”

A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes

A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said, "Sir, you are hereby fined $100." The lawyer stood up and said, "Thanks, your honor, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd..."

After our radio station's accountant died in a parachuting accident, the program director told me to play some Tom Petty in rememberance after the obituary, as the accountant liked his music. However, when I did exactly that, he ended up putting my show off air. Dunno why.

Though maybe I shouldn't have played *Free Fallin'*...

There's an Army guy and an Air Force guy.

There's an Air Force guy driving from Wagga to Richmond, and an Army guy driving from Richmond to Wagga. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions.
The Air Force guy manages to climb out of his car and...

With the deal finalized, Elon Musk reveals the main reason why he spent 45billion dollars to buy Twitter..

To finally ban the teenager that was tweeting his jetplane's flightpaths. Rich people can be so petty, wow.

Ukrainian Armed Force enters Crimea.

So ukrainian soldiers enter Crimea, all ruzzians and pro-ruzzian citizen decide to evacuate to ruzzia.
Kerch, pier, enormous ferry.
People and cars taking on it.
The captain stands aside and smoking pipe.
Petty officer asks: Sir, maybe it is enough, sir?
Captain: No. Not yet...

Did you hear about that crook that was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?

He was locked up for Petty thievery.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman finds a lamp and of course it contains a genie...

... which offers to give her only one wish as he is very much tired from his 10.000 years of imprisonment.

,,I want a million dollars!'' she screams excited.

The Genie nods. ,,It shall be as you wi-''

,,No!'' interrupts the woman. ,,Such a wish is selfish and petty. No, what I w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny Strikes Again

A very Petty school teacher wanted to stump the children so she instructed them to use the word DEFINITELY in a sentence when she called on them.

The 1st student called said, "The sky is definitely blue."
With a smirk on her face, the teacher said... "No the sky is sometimes other colors. ...

What did one nail technician say to the other after a customer walked out over a $1 price increase?

Man, he petty

I finally got one over.

The other day, Louise and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error.
To her credit, Louise finally said, 'Look. I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you ...

What do you call a police who arrests a jaywalker?

A Petty Officer!

How many redditors does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and...

Freshman from rival colleges...

...were each camping out around their fires on opposite banks of a river.

The freshman on the left bank got to talking. The first student points toward the river and says, "You know, I heard that the students that go to that school are all idiots."

The second student says "Yeah! I hear...

An old couple go shopping...

... At the grocery store. The wife continuously nags the husband about the cost of all the things he wants to buy and he grumbles back at her. When they get to the canned fruit aisle she looks at a can of peaches and exclaims "that's ridiculous!" at the price. Looking both ways, she slips it into he...

A man walks into a bar and takes a seat.

He later gets arrested for petty theft.

Celebrities keep dying over minor causes.

Petty deaths.

I dowloaded the song "Runnin' down a dream" illegally from the internet...

I got charged with Petty theft.

Did you hear about the robber who wouldn't stop complaining about his victim

That's the problem with a petty theif

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A good man dies and goes to heaven where God, impressed by the man's life record, grants him one final wish.

"Well, God, I know this seems petty, but I've never won at blackjack."

That's okay, my friend, God says, and He snaps His fingers and He and the man are sitting at a blackjack table in Vegas. The man puts up a $1,000 bet. The dealer's showing a 6 and the man's showing a 17. The man signals th...

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship...

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation for his tardiness, the officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Elderly Romantic Text Message.

The wife, a retired

college English instructor with emphasis on the Classics, was an unapologetic romantic; her husband, a retired salty Navy chief petty officer of thirty years’ service, was a no-nonsense guy.




One afternoon the wife went to the local Starbuck’s to meet a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a lawyer walks on a plane and sits in the aisle seat beside two doctors...

He takes his shoes off and gets comfy in his seat. A little while after takeoff one of the doctors says “excuse me, would you mind if I get up to get a coke?” The lawyer responds “oh, no problem. In fact, I’ll just go and get it for you!” While he’s at the front of the plane, the doctor spits in hi...

Did you hear about the guy who illegally downloaded Free Fallin' and Refugee?

He was charged with Petty theft.

Woman Decides To Test Her Husband's Love. Then This Happened... LOL!

Not too long ago, there was a woman who felt that her husband was being distant and unloving.

She wanted to know how her husband would react if she left without telling him where she had gone.

She decided to write him a letter saying she was tired of him and didn't want to live with h...

A butcher in London...

So there's a butcher who lives in one of the more run down neighbourhoods of London. As such, he constantly has to deal with petty thieves trying to steal meat out of his shop. He's not an educated man, but he becomes quite crafty in protecting his livelihood. One day, the Duke of Wellington passes ...

A joke from kids at my old Sunday School: A man buys a horse...

The woman selling the horse says ''before you ride off with him, you must remember some very important phrases! This horse will not move unless you speak to him ''Thank God''. He will not stop until you say ''Amen''. Only these commands will he act upon, understand?''


The man is confused,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irishman stops at an airport in England...

An Irishman stops at an airport in England. While he's waiting for his flight to arrive, he decides to make a quick stop at the airport bar.

As it's late at night, there's only the bartender and two other people there. Always willing to make a new friend, he sits down with the two and starts ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Marine takes a seat between two Rangers on the last flight out of Iraq...

After a rocky take off the marine takes off his boots, stretches, then announces he is going to get coffee and offers to get some for the rangers. They oblige and after he walks away the rangers get to talking.

"That's friendly of him." The first says.

"Yeah, normally marines are assho...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“Oi, you!”

“Sheep shagger!” yelled the man as Llewelyn Jones walked down the high street, pointedly ignoring him.

“Yeah you, sheep shagger! Fucking sheep shagger!” slurred the man, before throwing his beer can into some petunia bushes and stumbling off in the other direction.

“The youth of today...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fancy Chicago lawyer goes duck hunting in LA (Lower Alabama) (very long)

This lawyer had heard about the exceptional duck hunting in lower Alabama so he made plans to go one year. He left his hotel early and found a good spot by sun-up. He had the most expensive equipment money could buy.

He missed a few ducks, but then shot one. It flapped a couple times and lan...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.