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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.

However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can a...

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My late Grandfathers favorite joke

There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and u...

It's dark, gloomy with a slight bit of fog. The little girl grips the man's hand tightly as an owls hoot echoed through the rustling trees...

"I'm scared" said the little girl.

"You're scared?!" Said the man. "At least you don't have to walk back alone!"

A man was dying

A man was dying in hospital. In his last moments, he grips his wife’s hand and says:
“Before I die, I have to confess to you. I’ve been sleeping with your best friend for the past year. I’m sorry.”

She gently stroke his hair and says:
“I know. That’s why I poisoned your coffee. Now clos...

Why don't witches wear underwears ?

To get better grip on the broom.

As Epstein swayed back and forth, coming to grips with the inevitable, he reached out to give the guard one final high five...

But he just left him hanging.

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Not enough room in heaven

3 men suddenly appear at the same time at the pearly gates. God comes over to the trio and informs them that Heaven has room for just one more today. Whichever man has the worst story will get in.

The first man begins “So get this: I’ve been pretty sure my wife’s been cheating on me for a wh...

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One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife

He pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed up, we could get rid of your control top panty hose."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up,...

The tale of the blond horse back rider.

A young blonde woman decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into action.

As it gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror,...

The doctor says I lost 25% of my grip after I fractured my arm

RIP

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Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!

Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad.

I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything.

Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold...

What's the difference between pink and purple?

Your grip.

There are some things I can't get a grip on.

And that's why I stick to handles.

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One day St. Peter is getting bored.

He is tired of looking through people's pasts and seeing if they are fit to enter heaven, so he decides that he'll only let someone in if they can make him laugh by telling him how they died.

A man walks up to the gates of heaven, and St. Peter lays down the conditions.

The man says "...

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Heaven is Getting Crowded

Heaven was starting to get a little too crowded, and as a result, God asked St. Peter to be a bit more selective about who was allowed to enter.

"From now on, I want you ask everyone in line to explain to you the circumstances of their death. If they had a rough go, let them in. Otherwise, pl...

A CEO went on a rock climbing trip with one of his employees.

The CEO, an experienced climber, reached the top of a difficult section and was holding a rope tied to both men. As the employee was climbing up, he lost his grip, and was only saved by the strength of the CEO who was barely able to hang on. The CEO yelled, "Hurry, I'm losing my grip!", but the empl...

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Golf Lessons

A lady decided she wanted to spend more time with her golf nut husband. Smartly she went directly to the club pro seeking advice. He took her to the range and told her to hit a ball so he could assess her swing. She did and the ball went 10 feet out in front of her. He suggested she adjust her stanc...

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Jack suffered from terrible unrelenting migraines. He'd been to all kind of doctors with no avail.

Finally, he consulted a very controversial migraine specialist.

Doctor: "I know what you're feeling. It's a throbbing sensation in your temples that just doesn't quit. I used to suffer from such headaches too. The best thing for this is oral sex.!!
I would go down on my wife and as she org...

I watched a gripping rock-climbing documentary on netflix the other day

It was great but it ended on a cliffhanger

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A newly married woman is distressed to find out her new husband plays so much golf...

My husband is on the links every day, she confides with her neighbor, I feel so neglected at times, Why don’t you learn to golf so you can be with your husband every day? the neighbor advises, yes that’s a great idea,
Next day she goes to the club to look for a woman pro, after finding one she’s...

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A group of friends decide to get together and go on a hunting trip in Georgia to get away for a few days. The arrangements are made and a few days later they are being picked up by their guide 'Bubba' at the airport and off to the hills of Georgia they go.

Bubba decides to hold a little church call before they take off on the hunt: "Now you city boys be real careful with them thar guns and don't go shooting each other in the foot and don't shoot nothing till I tell ya its all right. Now listen up real good to this here, you see them bunch of Hound dog...

With trembling hands, my doctor looked up from my x-ray and stammered, "This is exactly what I was afraid of." Gripping my chest, I rasped, "What?"

Eyes wide, he whispered, "Skeletons!"

On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride: “I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship.”

“What is it?” his new bride asked lovingly.

“I’m a golf fanatic,” he said. “I think about golf constantly. I’ll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always win.”


His new bride...

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A man wakes up one morning and finds a gorilla on his roof.

So he searched the internet and sure enough, there's an advert for "Gorilla Catchers". He calls the number, and the gorilla catcher, Bobby, says he will be over in 30 minutes.

Bobby arrives within 30 minutes and gets out of his van. He's got a LADDER, a BASEBALL BAT, a SHOTGUN and a HUGE DOG....

The Democrats are having trouble gaining traction for any of their candidates, so

They have asked Anthony Wiener to run for President and he would have Eric Holder as his VP.


They say it's the Wiener-Holder ticket. They will beat the competition, be hard on crime, and get a grip on the big issues.


They will get to meat of it all.

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A man arrives in heaven...

A man arrives in heaven and St. Peter asks him how he died.

"I came home from work early," the man says, "because I suspected my wife was having an affair."

"Sure enough, there she was in bed naked, obviously caught in the act. She was alone, but I knew her lover had to be close by. T...

Late night At an empty gas station a man fills up his car and pays for the fuel...

He gets into the car and grips the steering wheel tightly before saying: now only one of us is empty..

A fancy country club has a severe bee problem on the golf course.

The board of trustees decide to eradicate the bees they need to hire an expert. The bee entomologist is very expensive and the board decides they need to assess each member an additional $100 to their monthly dues for bee eradication.

Weeks after the treatment and it appears the course is b...

What do you call a shoe with no grip?

A slipper.

(Made this up today, but almost definitely will have been made up before by someone else)

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A plane is going down and everyone on board is coming to grips with the fact that they're going to die...

The inside of the cabin is eerily calm while all the passengers ponder whether they have lived fulfilling lives.

Suddenly, a homely woman jumps up and says "I'm 33 year old virgin! I have lived an empty life, and I ask if anyone on this plane can please, please, before I die, make me feel li...

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having an identity crisis

"Some days I feel like a teepee" he says.
"Then other days I feel like a wigwam. I dont know which one is true"

"One day, teepee! The next, wigwam! Teepee! Wigwam! Teepee! Wigwam! Teepee! Wigwam!"

The psychiatrist yells, "Get a grip, man! You're too tense!"

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The owner of a sex shop, hires a new clerk.

After the owner taught him the basics of running the store, he has to run an errand.

'Could you run the store on your own for a couple of hours, Jeremy?' he asks.

'Sure thing boss!' Jeremy replied, 'don't you worry, I've got this.'

So the boss leaves for his errands, leaving you...

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A guy and a girl are on their third date.

They haven't done anything more than kissing and the guy was getting a little bit desperate for action. So after a movie and some food he suggest they take a drive up the mountain to get a view of the city. (and some privacy before taking her home). Up there in the car they start kissing. He makes a...

Feeling sheepish

Guy driving down the road sees a farmer in the pasture banging a sheep.

He is so dumbfounded that he continues driving trying to come to grips with what he saw until he comes to a stop sign.

He decides that he must go back and confront the farmer about what he is doing

He return...

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A little old lady gets pulled over for speeding...

The officer walks up to the car and after a quick greeting takes the documentation she has ready for him.
He notices a license to conceal carry a pistol and he asks, “Ma’am do you have a firearm in the vehicle?”
She replies, “Well yes sir, I do.” The officer smiles a little as this lady was no...

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I think the hardest thing I've ever had to come to grips with is the fact that I'll never be witty.

Well, that and my penis.

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Couple talking a walk

A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's Day walk along a country lane. As they walk hand in hand and as they stroll, the lad's lustful desire rises to a peak.
He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind, but I really do need to take a piss." Slightly taken aback ...

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather.

The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch," said the fox.

"Wait," replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my thesi...

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A husband suspects his wife is having an affair.

But he fails to gather the adequate proof necessary to blame her.
One day after coming home he sees her wife in bed, stark naked.
"So my suspicion was right! Where is that bastard?" he shouts in anger and swiftly rushes to look for him.
He doesn't find anyone but right when he was about to ...

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A young man is walking home from his job at a local software company

He worked late that night, and the sun had already fallen below the sky. The man enjoyed the two mile walk to work in the morning, but the cold of the night made the way back numb, rigid, and surreal. The man followed long, curving roads through the dark pine forests, illuminated by cold sunlight re...

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One ...

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A dentist, doing his first extraction on a patient was nervous

When he got the molar out, his hand shook, he lost his grip on the instrument, and the tooth dropped into patient's throat

Dentist: Sorry, you are outside my specialty now, you should see laryngologist (throat specialist)

By the time patient went to laryngologist, tooth had worked its ...

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You hear about the dude who failed Masturbation 101?

He couldn't get a grip on it.

Two Eskimos have killed a walrus

and they are on their way to their settlement. They are pulling the walrus by the tail, but it's really hard to pull since its tusks keep digging into the snow and the tail continuously slips out of their grip.

Halfway home, they come across a geologist. The geologist sees their struggle and ...

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a herbalist living nearby, who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After some discussion with his wife, the man made a visit to the herbalist and handed his voucher over wondering what he was in for. The elderly herbalist handed ...

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I bought the Mrs some crotchless knickers for Halloween.

Nothing sexual it's just to give her a better grip on her broomstick:

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Losing my virginity was like how I learned to ride a bike

My dad having a firm grip on my shoulders

Why dont witches wear panties?

So they can grip their broom better.


I know,I know.I posted this a few weeks back but because Halloween is coming up I thought maybe you might want to pass this around the office,bar,whatever.

A cop pulls a car over for going 20 mph on the highway

The driver is a little old lady, and there are two old ladies in the back seat.

The cop asks, "Why were you driving just 20 miles per hour?"

The old lady responds, "I was just going the posted speed limit!" and points to a sign up ahead.

The cop smiles and says, "That's not the...

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I saw a woman in the supermarket, struggling to control her kids.

She looked really stressed. Then she accidentally knocked over and smashed a bottle of milk.

She dropped to her knees and burst into tears, surrounded by spilled milk. It reminded me of something my dad used to say to my mum, so I walked over to her and said;

"Get a fucking grip, you s...

A Taxi driver walked into a bar

"Anyone here call a taxi?" He asked

"Over there" replied a stern voice.

The Taxi driver turned his head to see a gruff old man pointing to a young fellow in his thirties snoozing at a table.

The taxi driver walked over to the young man and saw a note next to his head.

...

Mr. Smith, a very wealthy man...

Mr. Smith, a very wealthy man, is in town on business and towards the end of his trip he decides to take a walk on the docks and take in the ocean view.

As he's walking he comes up on a young boy, maybe 12 years old, crying on the edge of the dock.

Mr. Smith hesitates but decides to a...

A man was offroading in the desert.

He was driving over the dunes and past the shrubs and bushes that dotted the landscape, when a sandstorm started blowing over. He figured he'd be fine, but the sand made his engine lock up.

After it had passed, he went out in search for help. The storm disoriented him and blew away his car tr...

So my mom decided to sell her house, but she’d always promised she’d get the boulder out of her front yard.

It was an eyesore, but she couldn’t handle it herself. I was still in college, so on a long weekend, I loaded all the guys I could in my car, drove the 11 hours home. We borrowed a truck, backed it right up, and tried to lift it. We couldn’t move it.

So I called in all the old high school fri...

An old man lay dying in his bed.

In death’s agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself ...

Me: I was recently diagnosed with Hyphil. My Wife: What’s Hyphil?

Me: Hi, Phil Swift here with Flex Tape! The super-strong waterproof tape that can instantly patch, bond, seal, and repair! Flex tape is no ordinary tape; its triple thick adhesive virtually welds itself to the surface, instantly stopping the toughest leaks. Leaky pipes can cause major damage, but Fl...

A cop is sitting by the highway in his patrol car.

Suddenly, a Mercedes goes screaming past at twenty over the speed limit. The officer turns on the sirens and races after the speeder.

When its driver sees the police cruiser, the Mercedes pulls over without incident. The officer goes up to its window, expecting to find a rich kid out for a j...

I just watched an entire, three day long, arm wrestling match by accident.

Turned out to be more gripping than I expected.

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The Choking Boy

While eating at an expensive restaurant all the diners are disturbed when a woman starts screaming "My son's choking!, he has swallowed a large chunk of steak and can't breath!, please anyone help." Without speaking, a man stands up at a nearby table, and walks over nonchalantly. Smiling pleasantly...

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A team of engineers are unveiling their new invention to a navy admiral

“So from what I can see, it appears to just be a normal submarine” the Admiral says.

“Quite far from it...” the lead engineer responds, “... while it may appear to be your standard submarine. It has quite the trick up it’s selves”

“Well what is it”, the Admiral says excitedly.

...

A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to th...

Why do crazy people perform terrible handjobs?

They can’t get a grip.

My first joke - don't crucify me please

Mac decided to go to the shooting range with his friend. Having never shot a gun before, he is a little nervous that he'll embarrass himself by performing poorly at the range but his friend reassures him that he'll do alright. Once they arrive they make their way to the back where the instructor is ...

three men walk up to the gates of heaven,

the gatekeeper asks each man to describe how he died.



the first man walks up to the gate keeper and says:

'i was concerned my wife was cheeting on me so one day i said i was going to work, walked outside our appartment then walked back in saying i had forgotten somthing. i look...

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World Wrestling Championship. At the final are American and Japanese wrestlers.

Before the game, the American coach said:

- See John. I have not told you yet, but this Japanese is very strong and very corrupt. He has a favorite grip. If he applies it, everything is lost.

- No problem, trainer. I'll handle him somehow.

The fight begins. The wrestlers go out ...

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A man was having some stomach pains, so he went to see his doctor..

The doctor looked him over and declared, *"Sir, you have a tapeworm. Please come back in three days, and bring...a BANANA."*



The man is confused, but he trusts the doctor so he returns in three days with
a banana. The doctor tells the man to take off his pants and bend over,
whe...

A spill

While doing a lab experiment I was listening to music by a band who's bassist was a known drug abuser. During his solo, I slipped on some spilled vinegar & lost my grip on a beaker full of sodium hydroxide.
Looks like while he was tripping on acid dropping the bass, I was tripping on acid dro...

Two weightlifters decide to celebrate a victory.

They headed to their favorite place; the tavern where they first met. They both asked for various drinks, and soon reached a point where they could both no longer hold their liquor.

"Hey, we should have a contest," said the first weightlifter. "We'll each start lifting different things until...

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A man walks into a bar.

The sign read “Free beer if you can pass our test!”

Curious, the man asks the bartender how he can win free beer. The bartender replies “First, you gotta down this entire bottle of pepper tequila, and you can’t make a face while doing it. Next, there’s a ‘gator out back with a sore tooth. ...

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I speak for the trees!

So an ant is walking through a field, scavenging for food. Suddenly, his legs stiffen up and he has trouble walking. "Feet! He says, angrily. "Why have you failed me? I must search for food, but I am unable to walk." "Not us!" Squeal the feet. "We only are only meant for gripping the ground or ...

I tried to teach a monkey new words by writing them on gigantic beach balls.

Sadly he just couldn't get a grip on them.

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Two window cleaners are working at the airport building

One of them says, «I want to pee, let's come down»

«Dude, just piss from here».

«But there are people down there».

«See that fountain? Lean down and aim right there, no one will notice»

«No way, I'll fall down»

«Don't worry man, I'll hold you by the galluses»
...

Sarcasm

Chuck Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips with the concept of sarcasm.
"It was weird" Fullmer said. "I was in London and like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather eh?" and I thought - "Wait a minute, no way is it gr...

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Heaven was running out of spots for new souls

So St. Peter was instructed by God to only let in people, who, apart from having lived honorable lives, had also suffered a terribly traumatic last moment, and needed consolation for that.

The next day, St. Peter went to his place at the front gates of Heaven, and three men were there, waitin...

Given that it be Talk Like A Pirate Day, I be havin' a story about me parrot!

Back when I were just a young sea-dog, I found meself sailin' under the iron grip o' Captain Nobeard. A fearsome pirate, was she, known fer cuttin' down anyone who crossed her!

Well, being a new pirate, I figured I'd be needin' a parrot fer me shoulder. Picked one out, did I, in the first por...

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