The doctor says I lost 25% of my grip after I fractured my arm

RIP

When I was younger I was able to grip a 16 inch softball in my hand so securely that nobody could pull it away.

So they had to cancel the game.

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A plane is going down and everyone on board is coming to grips with the fact that they're going to die...

The inside of the cabin is eerily calm while all the passengers ponder whether they have lived fulfilling lives.

Suddenly, a homely woman jumps up and says "I'm 33 year old virgin! I have lived an empty life, and I ask if anyone on this plane can please, please, before I die, make me feel li...

Why do crazy people perform terrible handjobs?

They can’t get a grip.

What's the difference between the color pink and the color purple?

Your grip!

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a herbalist living nearby, who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After some discussion with his wife, the man made a visit to the herbalist and handed his voucher over wondering what he was in for. The elderly herbalist handed ...

A man was offroading in the desert.

He was driving over the dunes and past the shrubs and bushes that dotted the landscape, when a sandstorm started blowing over. He figured he'd be fine, but the sand made his engine lock up.

After it had passed, he went out in search for help. The storm disoriented him and blew away his car tr...

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The owner of a sex shop, hires a new clerk.

After the owner taught him the basics of running the store, he has to run an errand.

'Could you run the store on your own for a couple of hours, Jeremy?' he asks.

'Sure thing boss!' Jeremy replied, 'don't you worry, I've got this.'

So the boss leaves for his errands, leaving you...

So my mom decided to sell her house, but she’d always promised she’d get the boulder out of her front yard.

It was an eyesore, but she couldn’t handle it herself. I was still in college, so on a long weekend, I loaded all the guys I could in my car, drove the 11 hours home. We borrowed a truck, backed it right up, and tried to lift it. We couldn’t move it.

So I called in all the old high school fri...

What do you call a shoe with no grip?

A slipper.

(Made this up today, but almost definitely will have been made up before by someone else)

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I think the hardest thing I've ever had to come to grips with is the fact that I'll never be witty.

Well, that and my penis.

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A team of engineers are unveiling their new invention to a navy admiral

“So from what I can see, it appears to just be a normal submarine” the Admiral says.

“Quite far from it...” the lead engineer responds, “... while it may appear to be your standard submarine. It has quite the trick up it’s selves”

“Well what is it”, the Admiral says excitedly.

...

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The main attraction gorilla at a zoo dies right before the zoo opens for the day.

Many of the zoo’s daily visitors come just to see the gorilla. So, in a desperate move, the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.
Qui...

Why don’t witches wear undies?

To get a better grip on their brooms.

My first joke - don't crucify me please

Mac decided to go to the shooting range with his friend. Having never shot a gun before, he is a little nervous that he'll embarrass himself by performing poorly at the range but his friend reassures him that he'll do alright. Once they arrive they make their way to the back where the instructor is ...

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The Choking Boy

While eating at an expensive restaurant all the diners are disturbed when a woman starts screaming "My son's choking!, he has swallowed a large chunk of steak and can't breath!, please anyone help." Without speaking, a man stands up at a nearby table, and walks over nonchalantly. Smiling pleasantly...

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I saw a woman in the supermarket, struggling to control her kids.

She looked really stressed. Then she accidentally knocked over and smashed a bottle of milk.

She dropped to her knees and burst into tears, surrounded by spilled milk. It reminded me of something my dad used to say to my mum, so I walked over to her and said;

"Get a fucking grip, you s...

A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to th...

three men walk up to the gates of heaven,

the gatekeeper asks each man to describe how he died.



the first man walks up to the gate keeper and says:

'i was concerned my wife was cheeting on me so one day i said i was going to work, walked outside our appartment then walked back in saying i had forgotten somthing. i look...

A spill

While doing a lab experiment I was listening to music by a band who's bassist was a known drug abuser. During his solo, I slipped on some spilled vinegar & lost my grip on a beaker full of sodium hydroxide.
Looks like while he was tripping on acid dropping the bass, I was tripping on acid dro...

A drunk guy gets pulled over

and the cop said, "May I see your license, please?" The guy said, "You people need to get a grip. One day you take it away from me and the next day you ask to see it."

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A mouse took a stroll through the deep dark wood

(the African jungle, in fact) and was surprised to hear a strange noise coming from a nearby clearing. Peeping out from between the trees, he saw a female elephant weeping in distress, so he swaggered up to her and said "It's okay, chill, I'm not gonna hurt you."

And the elephant looked dow...

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World Wrestling Championship. At the final are American and Japanese wrestlers.

Before the game, the American coach said:

- See John. I have not told you yet, but this Japanese is very strong and very corrupt. He has a favorite grip. If he applies it, everything is lost.

- No problem, trainer. I'll handle him somehow.

The fight begins. The wrestlers go out ...

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One morning while making breakfast

a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.


The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said...

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Losing my virginity was alot like how i learned to ride my bike

My Dad having a firm grip on my shoulders.

Me: I was recently diagnosed with Hyphil. My Wife: What’s Hyphil?

Me: Hi, Phil Swift here with Flex Tape! The super-strong waterproof tape that can instantly patch, bond, seal, and repair! Flex tape is no ordinary tape; its triple thick adhesive virtually welds itself to the surface, instantly stopping the toughest leaks. Leaky pipes can cause major damage, but Fl...

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The golf lesson

A woman is getting a golf lesson from a pro. Despite every way he tries to explain it to her, she just can’t get her grip right, and slices the ball again and again. Finally, the exasperated pro say “Look - just pretend the golf club is your husband’s penis”. The woman steps up to the tee and hits a...

There was a group of troubled teenagers bored in a small town.

There was a group of troubled teenagers who were bored in a small town. They egged their neighbor's house, TPed the one down the road, and just generally caused mischief but they were running out of original ideas to keep it fresh.

One of them decided to go down to the expressway overpass and...

Mr. Smith, a very wealthy man...

Mr. Smith, a very wealthy man, is in town on business and towards the end of his trip he decides to take a walk on the docks and take in the ocean view.

As he's walking he comes up on a young boy, maybe 12 years old, crying on the edge of the dock.

Mr. Smith hesitates but decides to a...

Given that it be Talk Like A Pirate Day, I be havin' a story about me parrot!

Back when I were just a young sea-dog, I found meself sailin' under the iron grip o' Captain Nobeard. A fearsome pirate, was she, known fer cuttin' down anyone who crossed her!

Well, being a new pirate, I figured I'd be needin' a parrot fer me shoulder. Picked one out, did I, in the first por...

Another bathroom joke

A little four-year-old boy is in the bathroom. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what’s up.
“Matty, are you all right?” she says. “You’ve been in here for a while…”
Matty says, “I’m fine, Mommy… I just haven’t gone ‘doody’ yet.”
The little boy is sitting...

Blonde Goes Horse Riding

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse'...

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I thought about quitting masturbating for good.

But, ultimately, I decided to just get a grip. Despite all the ups and downs, I'm just not prepared for anything to get out of hand.

I was surprised to fail No Nut November this early and with a broken hand too.

It’s just hard to grip.

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A secretary received an expensive pen as a gift from her boss.

She sent him a "Thank You” note the following day.

The boss's wife read the note and filed for divorce.

The note said: Your penis wonderful and I enjoyed using it last night. It has extra ordinary smooth flow and a firm stroke. I loved its perfect size and grip. Felt like I was in hea...

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A dentist, doing his first extraction on a patient, was understandably nervous.

When he got the molar out, his hand shook, he lost his grip on the instrument, and the tooth dropped down into the patient's throat.

"Sorry," said the doctor. "You're outside my specialty now.... You should see a laryngologist! [throat specialist]." By the time the unfortunate victim got to ...

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St. Peter and Jesus made a deal to only let the people who died in an interesting way pass through the gates of Heaven...

After a while, the first man comes to the gates of Heaven. "We have a new rule about which people we can let pass through. How did you die, my son?", asked St. Peter. "Well it's a pretty interesting story. I was late for work, and I was in a hurry. Halfway to my job, I remembered that I forgot my ph...

Why do barbie dolls have purple nips?

Because GI Joes have kung fu grips ...

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Three men are at the pearly white gates of heaven and are greeted by St. Peter

Three men are at the pearly white gates of heaven and are greeted by St. Peter.
Regretfully, st . Peter says that heaven is full and as a result he can only choose one of them.
“Tell me about how you died and I will decide who shall go forth” he said.

The first man steps forward and say...

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I've bought the wife a pair of crotchless knickers ready for Halloween.

There's nothing sexual in it, it's just that she'll get a better grip on her broomstick.

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An old man, a boy and a donkey.

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions...

The bottom suddenly falls out of a plane.

All passengers hold themselves up in the conveniently placed assist grips.

The usual jingle is heard through the speakers, as the co-pilot speaks slowly and clearly: "Just now, all of our fuel has been used."

The frightened passengers look at each other.

The pilot speaks again...

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Wandering through the jungle, a lizard comes across a monkey getting baked

**Lizard** \- Hey Monkey, what's all that smoke up there ? You alright ?

**Monkey** \- Maaaan come up there and taste this shit with me. You gonna have the best time of your life !

*The lizard seems hesitant but climbs up anyway and joins the monkey on the tree and in his smoking sessi...

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Heaven was running out of spots for new souls

So St. Peter was instructed by God to only let in people, who, apart from having lived honorable lives, had also suffered a terribly traumatic last moment, and needed consolation for that.

The next day, St. Peter went to his place at the front gates of Heaven, and three men were there, waitin...

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A man walks into a bar.

The sign read “Free beer if you can pass our test!”

Curious, the man asks the bartender how he can win free beer. The bartender replies “First, you gotta down this entire bottle of pepper tequila, and you can’t make a face while doing it. Next, there’s a ‘gator out back with a sore tooth. ...

A man takes a shortcut home through a graveyard at night.

Whistling loudly to steel himself against the cold fingers of fear, he strides quickly towards his destination.

As his eyes adjust to the dark, he notices an uncovered grave left by a lazy gravedigger. Feeling an uneasy chill, he averts his eyes from the coffin laid inside, missing the spade...

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Two window cleaners are working at the airport building

One of them says, «I want to pee, let's come down»

«Dude, just piss from here».

«But there are people down there».

«See that fountain? Lean down and aim right there, no one will notice»

«No way, I'll fall down»

«Don't worry man, I'll hold you by the galluses»
...

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A man was having some stomach pains, so he went to see his doctor..

The doctor looked him over and declared, *"Sir, you have a tapeworm. Please come back in three days, and bring...a BANANA."*



The man is confused, but he trusts the doctor so he returns in three days with
a banana. The doctor tells the man to take off his pants and bend over,
whe...

The Superiority of Rabbits

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather. The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch," said the fox.

"Wait," replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few d...

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A cowboy gets with a virgin...

As she reaches her hand down his pants and grabs his penis, she says, "Whats that?"

"Oh that? Well that there is my rope!" replied the cowboy.

She goes a little further and grips his balls while saying, "What are these?"

'Well those there are my knots" exclaimed the cowboy.
T...

Sarcasm

Chuck Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips with the concept of sarcasm.
"It was weird" Fullmer said. "I was in London and like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather eh?" and I thought - "Wait a minute, no way is it gr...

David Beckham decides to go horse riding

Although he has had no previous experience he skillfully mounts the horse and appears in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace, Victoria admiringly watching her husband.

After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in...

Life Rules For My Son

1. Never shake a man’s hand sitting down.

2. There are plenty of ways to enter a pool. The stairs ain’t one.

3. The man at the grill is the closest thing we have to a king.

4. In a negotiation, never make the first offer.

5. Act like you’ve been there before. Especially i...

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A young man is walking home from work

A young man is walking home from his job at a local software company. He worked late that night, and the sun had already fallen below the sky. The man enjoyed the two mile walk to work in the morning, but the cold of the night made the way back numb, rigid, and surreal. The man followed long, curvin...

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St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates when three men in quick succession approached looking to be admitted.

St. Peter, as was his custom, asked the first man how he had died. "Well, the man replied, I came home unexpectedly this afternoon to find a cigar burning in the ashtray and my wife naked and alone in the bed. I suspected she was entertaining a lover and demanded she tell me where he was hiding. She...

A group of Nuns opened a Flower Shop.

The Nuns started selling small bouquets, and after some success moved on to larger arrangements. Their business grew enough that they were eventually the only place in a ten kilometer radius to sell flowers; and gathered a monopoly on the market.
One day, a couple of Friars opened another green...

What do you call Gaffer with one hand?

A Light-y

What do you call a Grip with one hand?

An Evening Alone.

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Infidelity

An older guy walks up to Saint Peter, who asks him for his story.

"I came home from work early to our 9th floor apartment and as I opened the door I spotted my naked wife sprinting into the bathroom. She locked the door and refused to come out. I went into the bedroom to find a naked guy hang...

One cold January morning

On a cold January morning a funeral was being held for a man who passed away. After the service the pal barers are caring the coffin out of the church. As they walk down the steps one man slips and loses his grip on the casket causing the others to lose their grips. The coffin goes sliding down the...

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A man is lost in the desert [nsfw]

He has plenty of food and water, enough to survive for a long time; what is really bothering him is that since he hasn't seen another soul for weeks, he is really, really horny.

In the distance he spots a camel and decides he's going to fuck it. He's pretty good at catching up to the camel, ...

A struggling zoo's main attraction, a gorilla, dies during their most popular season.

They can't afford to lose the gorilla so they secretly hire one of the employees to be a gorilla in a suit for an extra $500 a week.

He quickly becomes even more popular than the original gorilla, everyone wants to see the human-like gorilla.

After a few months his popularity begins to...

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Three men die and go to heaven

When the first guy arrives at the pearly gates, Saint Peter says "my son, we're a bit crowded here, and you're only allowed in heaven if you had a traumatic death". "Traumatic death?" the guy exclaims, "I just caught my wife cheating. I came to my apartment early and she was naked on the bed. And th...

A man walks into a garden centre looking to buy some plants.

Upon entering, he sees a plant with beautiful purple/red flowers...and notices it also has hands that are tightly gripping something.

Amazed by this, he tries to pry the fingers apart in order to see what is between the plant's hands, but is unable to.

He approaches one of the workers ...

Golf is like urinating in a public toilet

Golf is like urinating in a public toilet

1. Keep your back straight

2. knees bent.

3. Feet shoulder width apart.

4. Form a loose Grip

5. keep your head down

6. avoid a quick backswing

7. stay out of the water

8. try not to hit ...

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Cheating wife

Guys,

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her.

Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a go...

Top 10 Reasons a Gun is Better Than a Woman

10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

8. If you admire a friend's gun, and tell him so, he'll let you try it out a few times.

7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.<...

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New Rules for Heaven

One day God decides to change the rules to get into heaven. He approaches St. Peter and says: " From now on, the only way to get into heaven is for someone to die in an interesting way, I'll leave it to you to figure out what fits." "OK... got it." says St. Peter

The first day the new policy ...

A man gets off work early...

After a long day on the job, a construction worker makes his way home. He is happy to find the bus goes express, and he gets to his apartment building in record time. He walks up the four flights of stairs, thinking about how lucky he is to see his wife and drink a cold beer. He reaches his door but...

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Three men stand at the Pearly Gates

Saint Peter explains to them that unfortunately Heaven is rather overcrowded at the moment, so they're only letting in people with the most horrific deaths. One by one he asks them each how they perished.

The first man: I live on the 6th floor of an apartment building in Manhattan, and for s...

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