In order to get to the valves, a mechanic carefully removed the engine parts from a car while the car owner - a surgeon - looked on.

Afterwards the mechanic said to the surgeon:
'You know, I reckon my line of work is every bit as difficult and skilled as yours.'

'Perhaps,' said the surgeon, 'But I'd like to see you do it while the engine is running.'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Square Enix, Ubisoft, EA and Valve are all in class.

They're all taking a quiz. The teacher tells them that'll have 60 minutes to complete the quiz and that they'll be graded immediately. An hour later, the teacher collects their test sheets and begins grading.

Square Enix answered every question correctly, even the extra credit essay question...

What's the difference between Valve and uranium?

Uranium gets to its half-life on time.

A man found a mustache hidden underneath a water valve in his house...

He messaged his old room mate who had moved out 5 months earlier to see if he knew anything about the mustache as the compartment to reach the valve was in his old room.

The ex room mate replied "You found it!, My secret stache!"

The president of Valve walks into a bar with 2 colleagues.

The waitress approaches their table and the president orders drinks for them.

"We'll need 2 beers and 1 beer please."

The waitress looks confused. "So you need 3 beers?"

The president is also confused. "What the hell is 3?"

Three Valve employees walk into a bar

Three Valve employees walk into a bar and sit down in front of the bartender.

The first employee asked for a pint, and the bartender serves him one graciously.

The second employee asks for two pints, and again the bartender gives him what he wants without question.

The third emp...

The CEO of Valve walks into a bar with two of his associates...

The bartender asks “What can I get for you?”

The CEO responds “We’ll have one drink and two drinks please.”

The bartender replies “So three drinks?”

“What the hell is three?”

What do Valve games and unvaccinated children have in common?

They never reach 3.

So I went to the doctor to get a valve transplant,

Unfortunately he said I would only have 6 months to live, but I said, doc! I won't have time to pay the bill, so he gave me another 6 months.

What's the difference between my garden and Valve?

One is full of vegetables that, despite the talent put into cultivating them, haven't produced anything of worth in the past five plus years.

The other is in my backyard.

Valve should be in charge of the UN...

It's the only sure-fire way to prevent World War 3.

What is the best card in Valve's Artifact?

The Credit Card.

A Chemist, an Engineer, an Electrician and an IT guy get stranded on the side of the road after their car break down...

It’s the dead of winter and the wind chill is below freezing. One of them gets off the phone with the towing company, “they said it’s going to be at least two hours.” They all stay in the car.


After a few minutes the Chemist tells the other three, “I’m pretty sure I know what happened......

Valve shows the public a new game, Half-Life 3.

A fan of the series sees Gabe Newell, Valve's co-founder, and walks up to him.
"Hey, Mr. Newell, how did you do it? You actually made another Half-Life game!" the fan says.
"Well 15 percent was creating it, and 5 percent was thinking up the story." Gabe replies.

Confused, the fan as...

How is Valve like Uranium-238?

By the time they get to the third Half Life 13.5 Billion years will have passed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The company Valve is just like a child. It came into the world on the 24th August, 1996. Nurtured by a community...

...only to get fucked as soon as it turns 21.

Why was the Valve developer crying?

He was having a Half-Life crisis.

Valve should have the rights to the world wars

That way they will never make a third

Mechanic vs. heart surgeon ... similar jobs?

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the

mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I as...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a bisexual wastegate on a turbocharger?

A Bi-pass valve.

An Engineer goes to Hell.

The first thing he notices is, it's awful hot. So he goes and checks the A/C system, and notices a missing belt. He replaces it, and soon it's a cool 78F.

The next thing he notices, is that all the TVs are showing nothing but static. He checks the satellite dish, and sees it's misaligned. He...

I'd love to make a joke about Valve releasing a new game when hell freezes over...

But then again, hell actually might freeze over.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cut below...

My friend was telling me that he was thinking of having a vasectomy. But it was a little different. He said that the Dr. would actually install a small "micro" valve in the vas that carried the sperm. That way you could turn it off/on. I thought it was a great idea...I asked him if they used a ball ...

Bad car acronyms. I know a few, you got others?

Ford => Found On Road Dead. ... ... or ... ... First On Race Day. (Depends if you're a fan)

Fiat => Fix It Again Tony

BMW => Bavarian Money Waster

Subaru => backwards is U R A Bus

Chevrolet => acronym for all the engine problems to expect... Cracked ...

I don't know how Valve managed to do it, but...

they even included the British Pound in their summer sale this year.

A mechanic and a Doctor are talking

The mechanic and doctor are good friends hanging out when the mechanic says

"You know our jobs are similar. We both have to study symptoms, run diagnostics, and repair/replace faulty parts." The doctor nods in agreement. "So why do you make so much more than us?"

The doctor smiles and ...

A woman is at the park with her son when he starts misbehaving.

She looks at him sternly and says "If you don't stop before I count to 3, we're going home!"

1...

2...

2 and a half...

2 and three quarters...

2 and five sevenths...

Just then a man taps her on the shoulder and hands her his business card. Hi I work for Gab...

Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny...

...I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.

A heart surgeon took his car to his local garage for a regular service, where he usually exchanged a little friendly banter with the owner, a skilled but not especially wealthy mechanic.

"So tell me," says the mechanic, "I've been wondering about what we both do for a living, and how much more you get paid than me.."
"Yes?.." says the surgeon.
"Well look at this," says the mechanic, as he worked on a big complicated engine, "I check how it's running, open it up, fix the valves...

An old, wealthy man who had three sons was about to die.

An old, wealthy man who had three sons was about to die. He only wanted the cleverest of his three sons to inherit his money. So he came up with a test: he called all his sons into his room and told them: "Use 100 bucks to buy whatever you want. Whoever fills the room to the fullest shall inherit my...

How to prevent WW3

Just give valve the rights to 1 and 2.

The keyboard player in our band committed suicide...

...after his Hammond c70, Moog 361 and Casio with a built in valve and leslie keyboards all broke down at once.


The coroner said he died of multiple organ failure

Harley Davidson dies and goes to heaven...

He was met at the gate by saint Peter. He said to Harley your not suppose to be here, your supposed to be in hell. Harley said no I’m not I want to see the boss. Saint Peter takes Harley to see God. Harley says to God I’m suppose to be up here not in hell. Oh Harley you invented the motorbike, I’m a...

Ben Shapiro was loyal to Steam

All his friends, family, and co-workers knew that Ben would defend Steam in any argument, claiming it to be the superior game launcher, and the only one people should use. His loyalty was unmoving, and even gained him some branding deals with Valve.



One day while Ben was on his comput...

Four engineers in a car...

Four engineers are driving to a conference when the car sputters and dies as they pull off to the shoulder. After a moment of silent contemplation, the electrical engineer says; "you know, I bet the coil's bad. We need to replace the core." The chemical engineer says; "you're nuts, it's obviously th...

The rumor never died, even as Gabenism was revived...

It is the year 3015. A boy is browsing the history books when he finds one that (poorly) depicts the 21st century. In it, there is a section called "Valve and early religions."

The boy becomes interested and revives Gabenism.

His parents took an interest in their boy's new found passio...

Dear Abby...

I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.
I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs … phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names, she a...

An elderly radio engineer showed up at the house instead of a plumber.

"You said you needed some valves replaced."

There's been some interesting science news today.

Apparently materials with a half life of 3 pass through valves at a extremely slow rate.



-plauge inc

What did GabeN tell his wife when she shouted "shut your hole" at him?

"Babe, it's a valve!"

Dr V/s Mechanic

An engineer was removing the engine parts from a racing car when he saw a famous heart surgeon in his shop.

He went to him & said, "Look at this engine... I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired and put them back. So why do I get such a small salary? and you get huge sums???"...

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