The CEO of Valve walks into a bar with two of his associates...
The bartender asks “What can I get for you?”
The CEO responds “We’ll have one drink and two drinks please.”
The bartender replies “So three drinks?”
“What the hell is three?”
If Valve made the Fire Emblem series instead...
The latest title would be Fire Emblem: Two Houses.
A man found a mustache hidden underneath a water valve in his house...
He messaged his old room mate who had moved out 5 months earlier to see if he knew anything about the mustache as the compartment to reach the valve was in his old room.
The ex room mate replied "You found it!, My secret stache!"
So I went to the doctor to get a valve transplant,
Unfortunately he said I would only have 6 months to live, but I said, doc! I won't have time to pay the bill, so he gave me another 6 months.
What's the difference between my garden and Valve?
One is full of vegetables that, despite the talent put into cultivating them, haven't produced anything of worth in the past five plus years.
The other is in my backyard.
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
Square Enix, Ubisoft, EA and Valve are all in class.
They're all taking a quiz. The teacher tells them that'll have 60 minutes to complete the quiz and that they'll be graded immediately. An hour later, the teacher collects their test sheets and begins grading.
Square Enix answered every question correctly, even the extra credit essay question...
A mechanic and a Doctor are talking
The mechanic and doctor are good friends hanging out when the mechanic says
"You know our jobs are similar. We both have to study symptoms, run diagnostics, and repair/replace faulty parts." The doctor nods in agreement. "So why do you make so much more than us?"
The doctor smiles and ...
What is the best card in Valve's Artifact?
The Credit Card.
Why is Valve so much better than EA and Ubisoft?
They have a higher Self Esteam.
What do Valve games and unvaccinated children have in common?
They never reach 3.
Valve shows the public a new game, Half-Life 3.
A fan of the series sees Gabe Newell, Valve's co-founder, and walks up to him. "Hey, Mr. Newell, how did you do it? You actually made another Half-Life game!" the fan says. "Well 15 percent was creating it, and 5 percent was thinking up the story." Gabe replies.
Confused, the fan as...
What's the difference between Valve and uranium?
Uranium gets to its half-life on time.
The president of Valve walks into a bar with 2 colleagues.
The waitress approaches their table and the president orders drinks for them.
"We'll need 2 beers and 1 beer please."
The waitress looks confused. "So you need 3 beers?"
The president is also confused. "What the hell is 3?"
Why was the Valve developer crying?
He was having a Half-Life crisis.
Valve should have the rights to the world wars
That way they will never make a third
Three Valve employees walk into a bar
Three Valve employees walk into a bar and sit down in front of the bartender.
The first employee asked for a pint, and the bartender serves him one graciously.
The second employee asks for two pints, and again the bartender gives him what he wants without question.
The third emp...
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
The company Valve is just like a child. It came into the world on the 24th August, 1996. Nurtured by a community...
...only to get fucked as soon as it turns 21.
Valve should be in charge of the UN...
It's the only sure-fire way to prevent World War 3.
What does Valve have in common with a blonde?
Both of them can't count to three
How is Valve like Uranium-238?
By the time they get to the third Half Life 13.5 Billion years will have passed.
I'd love to make a joke about Valve releasing a new game when hell freezes over...
But then again, hell actually might freeze over.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny...
...I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
I don't know how Valve managed to do it, but...
they even included the British Pound in their summer sale this year.
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a motorcycle when he spotted a well known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hand...
An old, wealthy man who had three sons was about to die.
An old, wealthy man who had three sons was about to die. He only wanted the cleverest of his three sons to inherit his money. So he came up with a test: he called all his sons into his room and told them: "Use 100 bucks to buy whatever you want. Whoever fills the room to the fullest shall inherit my...
Ben Shapiro was loyal to Steam
All his friends, family, and co-workers knew that Ben would defend Steam in any argument, claiming it to be the superior game launcher, and the only one people should use. His loyalty was unmoving, and even gained him some branding deals with Valve.
One day while Ben was on his comput...
A woman is at the park with her son when he starts misbehaving.
She looks at him sternly and says "If you don't stop before I count to 3, we're going home!"
2 and a half...
2 and three quarters...
2 and five sevenths...
Just then a man taps her on the shoulder and hands her his business card. Hi I work for Gab...
The keyboard player in our band committed suicide...
...after his Hammond c70, Moog 361 and Casio with a built in valve and leslie keyboards all broke down at once.
The coroner said he died of multiple organ failure
A heart surgeon took his car to his local garage for a regular service, where he usually exchanged a little friendly banter with the owner, a skilled but not especially wealthy mechanic.
"So tell me," says the mechanic, "I've been wondering about what we both do for a living, and how much more you get paid than me.." "Yes?.." says the surgeon. "Well look at this," says the mechanic, as he worked on a big complicated engine, "I check how it's running, open it up, fix the valves...
How to prevent WW3
Just give valve the rights to 1 and 2.
Harley Davidson dies and goes to heaven...
He was met at the gate by saint Peter. He said to Harley your not suppose to be here, your supposed to be in hell. Harley said no I’m not I want to see the boss. Saint Peter takes Harley to see God. Harley says to God I’m suppose to be up here not in hell. Oh Harley you invented the motorbike, I’m a...
I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs … phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names, she a...
An elderly radio engineer showed up at the house instead of a plumber.
"You said you needed some valves replaced."
Four engineers in a car...
Four engineers are driving to a conference when the car sputters and dies as they pull off to the shoulder. After a moment of silent contemplation, the electrical engineer says; "you know, I bet the coil's bad. We need to replace the core." The chemical engineer says; "you're nuts, it's obviously th...
What do you call a Lada at the top of a hill?
A man drives his Lada to a mechanic and asks, "Can I have a spare hubcap for my Lada?" The mechanic says, "Sounds like a fair trade."
A Russian man enters a car raffle. Dropping the tic...
There's been some interesting science news today.
Apparently materials with a half life of 3 pass through valves at a extremely slow rate.
What did GabeN tell his wife when she shouted "shut your hole" at him?
"Babe, it's a valve!"
The rumor never died, even as Gabenism was revived...
It is the year 3015. A boy is browsing the history books when he finds one that (poorly) depicts the 21st century. In it, there is a section called "Valve and early religions."
The boy becomes interested and revives Gabenism.
His parents took an interest in their boy's new found passio...
Four engineers in a car driving down the highway...
Four engineers in a car driving down the highway.... A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, a thermodynamic engineer & a software engineer.
Suddenly the car isn't running right so they pull to the side of the road.
The mechanical engineers says "The engine sounds like it ha...
Dr V/s Mechanic
An engineer was removing the engine parts from a racing car when he saw a famous heart surgeon in his shop.
He went to him & said, "Look at this engine... I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired and put them back. So why do I get such a small salary? and you get huge sums???" ...