I hate it when people come and bang on your door spouting nonsense like, "You need to be saved or you'll burn!"

Stupid firemen...

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All you have is your narrative, none of the bull shit you spout is even based on fact! Fake News!

Checkmate fiction novelists!

How does a vegetable pee?

With its brussel spout

I was at a store and I saw some yogurt in a big bag with a spout...

I guess that you could say the yogurt was pour quality

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Donald Trump walks into a Catholic church.

He turns to the altar boy and asks

“where’s that box where I proclaim all the fucked up shit I’ve done lately”

The altar boy, stunned to see the president in his church, directs Trump to the confession box. Trump steps inside and the altar boy realizes the priest is nowhere to be found...

Three fishermen catch a mermaid. If they agree to set her free, she will grant them each a wish. The first guy says, "OK, I want you to double my I.Q." Immediately, the guy recites Shakespeare flawlessly. The second guy asks the mermaid to triple his I.Q.

Suddenly, he's spouting complicated mathematical solutions. Impressed, the last guy asks the mermaid to quintuple his I.Q. The mermaid hesitates and asks, "Are you sure that's what you really want?" "Absolutely!" says the man. The mermaid smiles. Instantly, the third man turns into a woman.

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Why were the balls stressed out standing in line?

The guy in front them was a huge dick. The guy behind them kept spouting off and being a loud asshole

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Voodoo dildo

A man walks into a sex shop and tells the shopkeeper that he'll be going on a trip soon. He tells the shopkeeper that his wife is very sexually active, and to keep her happy he wants to get her something to keep herself busy. The shopkeeper goes to the backroom and brings the man a box. The shopkeep...

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The Bravest and Fiercest

The king was getting old and did not trust his sons to rule his kingdom after his passing. He decided that he must find a husband for his daughter. This man, who would one day take the throne, had to be the bravest and fiercest warrior in all the land.

The king devised a test. his engineers ...

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Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street.

Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the b...

An Englishman and a Frenchman...

Are walking on a beach when they both spot a genie lamp sticking out of the sand.
The both sprint towards it and five to grab it. One grabs the handle, the other grabs to spout and both rub it at the same time.
A genie pops out and says to them "you both rubbed my lamp at the same time so, bec...

The surgeon and his wife.

Heard this in the OR today during surgery.

A middle aged surgeon and his wife are walking along a sandy beach, when they notice a brass lamp protruding from then ground.
The wife picks it up and a genie immediately spouts forth from the lamp. "You each may have 3 wishes", the genie says....

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The Mexican president has a rare cancer of the brain and is in need of a brain transplant. His only option is a risky new procedure that his doctor recently perfected.

He now has to “shop” for his brain.

“Sir, as this is a new procedure, our pool of brains you can choose from is rather small. Prices of the brains will vary,” said the doctor.

“Okay, show me what you’ve got. I have an important job, so I’ll need the best brain,” replies the president...

A man wandering the desert, finds a lamp...

Skeptical, he rubs the lamp and to his surprise a Genie pops out and says:

"You get three wishes, go."

The man thought for a moment before speaking

"You know, I've thought of the perfect first wish!"
He mulled it over a momemt longer before spouting
"I want the greatest ...

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Weary man walks into a bar...

Inside it's warm and someone out of sight is playing a piano. The music soothes the man and the weight of the world is totally lifted from his shoulders. It's so soft and lilting he feels like he's bathing in it.

He goes to the barkeep and orders a beer.

"Hey," he says to bartender, "W...

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A guy drives in an Italian countryside...

A guy drives in an Italian countryside, and at the turn of a corner he's stopped by a paesano with a shotgun, who gets him out of the car, and yells:
- You musta jack-off, now!
- What? But...
- You musta take your dick out and masturbate, right now or I'll shoot you!
So the guy ...

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Some friends and I were having a discussion about our professions.

"I fuck more of my clientele than any of you," spouted Johnny, rather confidently.

"What do you do?" I asked him.

He replied, "I'm a personal trainer."

"That's great," I added, "But I definitely fuck more of my clientele than you."

"What do you do?" he asked curiously....

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In the spirit of Thanksgiving

A young boy is playing with his toys on Thanksgiving. His mother walks in the room and asks him to put his toys away. She tells him his grandparents are on the way and asks if he can go check on his brothers and dad to see if they're ready. The little boy obeys and wonders off to his brothers room. ...

It's a Bacon tree

An general and his army are on the way to a battle 3 counties over and are looking for a place to rest. A foreigner standing on top of the hill stops the general and points down the hill.

"No go there. It's Bacon Tree"

The general and his men look at each other look at the foreigner a...

So a man is at a bar...

So there was a guy at a bar drinking and minding his own business. Suddenly, a man walks in carrying a very large duffel bag. He sits down at the bar, and places his bag on the counter. **POOF!** Out popped a little man from the bag who looked around, and then jumped back in the bag. A few moments l...

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A woman asks her friend whether she should date an anti-semite.

Friend: "He sounds really nice!"

Woman: "I know...but he's always spouting unsubstantiated, racist nonsense, marching, and carrying around some sort of sign."

Friend: "Oh, he's a Neo-Nazi. That's a huge red flag."

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A man with an apple-sized head walks into a bar...

A man with a head the size of an apple walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender is understandably taken aback by the size of the man's head and says to him:

"Mate, I know you probably get asked this all the time but why is your head so small? There's a free beer in it for you if you ...

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What is the difference between anal and oral sex? (First ever upload)

Nothing, they both spout shit every now and then.


You can tell this is my first upload because I derped. The set up is meant to be, "What is the difference between anal and oral?"

My apologies, harsh cats of Reddit.

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