UPJOKE
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awkward situation growing up

when he was 15 years old, his friend gave him condoms, just as a prank but he put the condoms aside, because he was only 15.

him and his friends were learning karate from a friend Mike, Mike was a black belt in Karate the rest of them learning from him were beginner yellow belts.

his ...

I'm taking a beginner's class in sculpture. At the moment, I admit my work is sort of rubbish.

But when I'm finished, I'm sure it will be *complete* rubbish.

The best beginner pet is a Hamster

They live for 5 days and don’t require any food or water!

How to come up with a dad joke - Beginner's Advice

1. Read a dictionary.
2. Find Rhymes.
3. Think about the rhyme.
4. Find more Words.
5. Toss the dictionary out of the window.
6. Apologise to the neighbor for hitting him with the dictionary.
7. Catch the dictionary the neighbor threw back.
8. In case you didn't catch it, fix br...

Blushing

My gorgeous next door neighbor is a beginner gardener. I asked her how it was going so far.
She said,'I cant get my tomatoes to turn red like yours. Any advice?'
I said,"Every morning expose yourself to the tomatoes and you'll see they'll start blushing red.'
After a week of watching her e...

Why do Beginner Chefs cook only Asian food?

They need to Wok before they can run.

What do you call a pirate with 2 arms, 2 legs and 2 eyes?

A beginner

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A traveling salesman employs a man with a stutter to sell toothbrushes...

His expectations are low for this guy, so he gives him a couple dozen toothbrushes to sell, expecting him to flop out.

To his surprise, the man returns in an hour with all the money. "S-s-sold then a-all!", he says.

The salesman chalks it up to beginners luck, and hands the stutterin...

“A Beginner’s Guide to Boxing”

- By Bob Andweave

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For sale: Beginner's level sketchbook of male nudes

**May contain traces of nuts*

Went shopping hungry

I made a beginner’s mistake and went shopping on an empty stomach. I am now the happy owner of aisle 7.

What’s the difference between beginner and expert bagpipers?

Nothing.

So I decided to start giving beginner bass lessons.

In the first lesson I taught my first student the first 5 notes on the lowest string, and then the next week I taught him the first 5 notes on the next string. But the next week he didn't turn up. The week after that, he showed up and I said to him, "dude where were you last week?" to which he repli...

Swedish for beginners.

\-Far, får får får?
\-Nej, får får inte får, får får lamm.

I ordered a book on the internet called "A beginner's guide to Origami".

When it arrived it was a scrunched up piece of paper.

Dip Chip Anyone?

A man answers an ad for a sales position. The hiring manager says "We sell toothbrushes. You'll be on a 30 day probationary period. In that time you need to sell at least 100 units on average each week. If you make that goal you'll be hired on full time."

The man agrees and starts work immedi...

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Drunk guy

A drunk walks into a bar and takes a seat. Looking down, he sees three darts laying across the bar top.
"Hey, bartender!" The drunk slurs. "Whas with th- these darts?"
"Oh", the bartender says. "It's a new promotion we're running. Whoever gets three bullseye's in a row, gets a free prize."...

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A man wants to lose some weight...

A man wants to lose a couple of pounds. After browsing the internet, he finds an ad saying "lose weight quickly!" Skeptical, he calls the number. A very cheerful woman answers the phone and explains "yes, we have 3 different exercise program levels. The first one is for beginners and you can lose up...

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/r/jokes is like a beginner's fencing class.

Lots of unwanted riposte.

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The sex shop

A woman shyly goes into a sex shop. She tells the man there that she's interested in buying a dildo but has no experience with these things.
"Well how about *this* one?" he asks. "It's gentle, not too big, and very popular with beginners."
"How much is it?"
"$50."
The woman buys...

Etiquette for beginners

[adapted from a scene in the film Carry on Cruising]

A steward on a cruise ship is hesitating outside a door to a cabin with a pot of coffee on a tray. The chief purser doing his rounds sees him and asks him what he's doing.

"Well sir, it's like this", the steward begins, "I'm complete...

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When I was 10

Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor tire will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough sumb...

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