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False Alarm Jokes

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I'm devastated. I just had a look at my doctor's notes and he's written that after my accident, I'll never be able to wank again.

Edit: False alarm! I asked him about it and he chuckled about the whole "doctors have bad handwriting" cliche. It's meant to say walk. What a relief!

3 captured soldiers are about to be executed by an enemy firing squad

The first captured soldier is taken in front of the firing squad and is about to get killed.

That soldier gets clever and thinks of a plan: right before the enemies fire at him, he yells “EARTHQUAKE!.”
The enemy firing squad gets confused for a moment thinking there’s an earthquake. By the...

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A man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his body extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond belief.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down...

"HEY, is that a rare T-Rex fossil leg?

"Nope, fossil arm"

Pronounced false alarm. Nobody got it last time and I think it's good.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard about the possible outbreak of the Coronavirus in the Amish community?

It was a false alarm, No fever, but people did get a little hoarse and buggy.

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A man is hospitalized

He is stable. While not entirely bed ridden, he cannot move far without assistance. He feels a sudden urge in his bowels. He hits the call button to get assistance to go to the commode. Alas, he is unable to void. Several more times, he has the same sensation, summons the nurse, and again and again ...

I'm worried that my designer girlfriend might be pregnant...

...false alarm, she was just fashionably late again

Breaking News: Coup Underway - Trump takes control of senate and declares martial law!

Oh wait... That was Palpatine.
False alarm.

I woke up this morning and thought I had tunnel vision.

Luckily it was a false alarm, the wife just fancied a 69.

Rumour...

I heard a rumour that a man in town is selling a fake bedside-clock.

It's a false alarm.

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The horse, the cow, and the chicken[LONG]

So a horse, a cow, and a chicken live on a farm. One day their owner goes on vacation but accidentally leaves the TV on. The animals peek in the window and witness a rock concert on the TV, theyre inspired.

So the horse calls up guitar center, and asks “hey I want to learn the guitar, but the...

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