UPJOKE
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Apparently Elton John has a personal trainer for his rabbit…

It’s a little fit bunny

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Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds

poor bastard

Apparently people think that I am condescending

(that means I look down on people)

Apparently, it is illegal to laugh loudly in Hawaii

All you can do is a low HA

Apparently, when you drink a pint of Beer

You shorten your lifespan by 9 minutes. So according to my calculations, i died sometime in 1644.

Apparently when they ask you if you smoke or drink at the doctor’s office

It’s not an offer

I got arrested today - apparently it's "illegal" to shave, brush your teeth, make a phonecall, take a nap, have a glass of wine and read a newspaper.

Driving sucks nowdays.

Apparently scientists are now investigating an anomaly in the European date system

They're working on it 24/7

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My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see? He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they're TWINS ! I had never met them before, apparently they live at the uni and were visiting.

Anyway, so I went up to my friend's room, “How are you mate?”

“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my socks from downstairs. My feet are freezing.” he tells me.

So I rushed downstairs and found his two sisters perched up on the couch, right where his socks lay.

I sa...

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Ugh, my boss is so out of touch. Apparently, as of of today, I’m no longer allowed to breastfeed in the office.

He said “Look, I know that the world is becoming more accepting of these kinds of things, but Steve you’re fucking 36”

What do you get when you try to crossbreed a human and a moose?

Arrested apparently

Apparently I have catastrophically misunderstood what "apocalypse" means all this time. Oh well.

It's not the end of the world.

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A man says to his wife 'apparently the milkman has had sex with every woman but one on our street'

'I bet it's that stuck up cow at No.36' replies the wife

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NSFW apparently pigeons die after sex

I didn't believe it myself, I tried and indeed they die

Apparently this is a current Russian joke: What is the title of Tolstoy's main work?

It's "Special operation and peace".

Apparently the world tongue twister champion was recently arrested.

I hear they’re gonna give him a tough sentence

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Apparently the surgeon who removes testicles is a great doctor

His patients all speak very highly of him

I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

Police patrol in the Outback

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback.

After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
...

Apparently screaming 5 second rule

Apparently screaming 5 second rule when eating out your girlfriend isn’t considered romantic when she falls off the bed.

So apparently the Senate just passed a bill to make Daylight Savings Time permanent

Most people are excited about the change, but I think if it passes the House it'll be hour loss.

What do you get when you mix human DNA with goat DNA?

Alot of dirty looks and kicked out of the petting zoo, apparently.

So apparently my neighbor doesn’t believe in air conditioning

He’s an ACeist

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My cousin died while masturbating.

Apparently he had a fatal stroke.

Apparently you cannot use 'beef stew' as a password

it's not Stroganoff

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So during confession, my priest told me I need to stop masturbating…

Apparently, it was making him uncomfortable

Just got fired from my job at Google Maps. Apparently I was terrible at drawing the boundaries between countries.

They said I was borderline incompetent.

In Afghanistan, everyone is terrified of spiders, but apparently..

In Iraq no phobia

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

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After sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.

A Soviet joke

A group of friends stays in a hotel in Soviet Russia. One of them ended up in a separate room and is trying to fall asleep. His friends, however, are loudly talking and telling each other political jokes in the next room. So he decides to prank them a bit. Calls downstairs, orders some coffee to the...

Apparently some pet rocks are braver than others...

I understand they're a little boulder.

Apparently there's a necrophiliac on the loose.

Look alive, people

Apparently, lots of Canadians use "married but dating" sites.

What a sorry state of affairs.

I am tired of keeping track of so many pronouns. Apparently now they have specific pronouns for Russian army....

was/were

Did you know the Norwegian navy has giant barcodes on the sides of it's ships?

Apparently so they can Scandinavian

I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn't actually mine.

Apparently I need to pay more attention during school pick-up.

My wife told me, “If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.”

Apparently, “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.

I have been to a lot of places, but I've never been in Cahoots.

Apparently you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito, either. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips, thanks to my friends ...

Did you hear about the child with psychic powers? Apparently he's on the run from the police.

He's a small medium at large.

My friend said that, apparently, you cant make a sentence without the letter 'a'...

I don't know if they're right. Do you guys know if its true? I'm honestly kind of lost on this one...

Apparently adding herbs to your garbage can makes it smell better.

But I don't have thyme for that rubbish.

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When I was in law school, I was rejected by all fraternities because I was circumcised.

Apparently you need to be a complete dick.

I got fired from my job at the suicide hotline

Apparently they aren't familiar with the reverse psychology approach

I was about to propose to my girlfriend...

... when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now I don't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let's say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.
...

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Someone told me that wearing crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy. Is that true?

Apparently, they feel great until you look down and realize you're gay

Apparently geniuses are absent-minded.

Add optional body text

I remember seeing Bruce Jenner on Wheaties boxes as a kid and wanting to be him.

Apparently he looked at Wheaties boxes and wanted to be Mary Lou Retton

I got sacked today on my first day as a masseur

Apparently “finish up on my face” doesn’t mean what I thought it did !

I asked my dyslexic friend if his brother has come out of the closet yet, and apparently he has

He texted me he's in daniel.

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Apparently there's a new sex position called Parcel Force.

You stay in all day and no one comes

Apparently, astronauts grow up to two inches in space.

I never knew they were so minute.

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Apparently the man was smothered to death between a pair of breasts.

There was no sign of a struggle.

I couldn’t find the thingy that peels potatoes and carrots, so I asked my kids if they'd seen it. Apparently...

She left me two days ago...

Apparently if you leave your car parked overnight on the highway the next morning it sounds like you have more horsepower.

Nevermind turns out my catalytic converter got stolen.

I thought I fixed my pants, but apparently the stitching fell out...

Or sew it seams.

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Why is Putin and Zelensky neighbors?

Apparently a big dick needs a great set of balls next to it.

(Came up on my own :,))





Edit no. Unknown- Thank you for redditors who pointed out the mistakes in my post. Sadly, I can’t change the title. It is “Are” instead of “Is”.

Apparently, Canada has the world's thickest border...

With Mexico.

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There’s apparently an optimal temperature for sex

Usually its too hot or too cold though, it never seems to be the right fucking temperature

I couldn't join the KKK, apparently my bloodline isn't pure enough

Turns out, my parents weren't even related.

My Swedish friend called begging for a ride because he apparently wrecked his car...

It was a real Saab story...

Apparently Tucker Carlson is starting a new band

Rage sponsored by the machine

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Today I realized that my wife apparently has the same approach to egg nog as to sex…

No “egg nog” before Thanksgiving (marriage), lots of “egg nog” for about a month and a half, and no “egg nog” after Christmas!

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Insects are apparently the superfood of the future. I tried eating caterpillars but it made me too nervous.

Gave me butterflies in my stomach.

My fried just got engaged to her boyfriend, Peter, and was gushing about how in love she is. Obviously the first thing out of my mouth was "oh, so you're a massive Peterphile!" Apparently that was "inappropriate" and now she's annoyed with me.

This is actually a true story, so hope it's okay that it's not in a standard joke format.

Apparently it took Thomas Edison 1000 attempts to make the lightbulb.

Damn, he would have gone through some dark times.

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TIL, in the original draft of Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King, JRR Tolkien wrote that Bilbo Baggins died while having sex with a dwarf prostitute…

Apparently old hobbits die hard.

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Apparently as a 4-year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.

Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.

AI-Generated Joke: "What Kind of Error is a Clothes?"

"A Dress Up."




(It gives an explanation for the Joke. So apparently it's a Joke because...

mess and dress rhyme.

mess-up is a kind of error.

dress and clothes mean roughly the same.

)

Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain...

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support...

Walt Disney's body wasn't frozen after he died.

Contrary to popular legend, it was only his head that was cryogenically frozen after he succumbed to lung cancer, having been a heavy smoker.

Years later a friend requested that Walt be thawed out so that he could see how he was doing. Apparently old habits die hard, because the first thing ...

Apparently, due to COVID Germany is running low on sausage and cheese.

The government considers this to be the Wurst Käse scenario

Did you hear that the US bobsled team put Donald Trump's picture on the front of the sled?

Apparently nobody else can make America go downhill faster.

So Kim Jong Un is apparently in a coma...

...Which is weird, because I thought his dad was the Il one.

Apparently, they once sat William Shakespeare in front of an infinite number of typewriters.

After a week, he had written "ooh aahh ooh ooh"

I got fired from my job because I kept asking the customers if they prefer smoking or nonsmoking.

Apparently the correct terms are "Cremation" and "Burial".

Police are asking for help in solving a recent string of burglaries. The perpetrator, apparently suffering from IBS, does #2 on the kitchen floor before escaping.

So far they have no firm leads.

Apparently most people lean slightly forward when they nod their head.

Must say, I'm inclined to agree.

IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years...

...but they're having a really hard time putting their case together.

Apparently, I spend too much time on reddit

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf

I’m told that I should speak to people as if tomorrow is their last day alive

But apparently yelling, “if you screw up tomorrows order I’m gonna kill you!” at the barista gets you banned from Starbucks for life.

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I finally measured my penis today...

Apparently my college girlfriend read the "9" on the ruler upside down.

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The wife came up with this: what's short, bald and tries to enter places it doesn't belong?

Yeah, I know, I went with my dick first too, but apparently this was just another Putin joke.

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Apparently there's a sperm shortage in the UK

Probably because all the wankers have gone to the petrol station

My Granny thought the Doctor was hitting on her after her medical....

Apparently Her hearing is going and she's got Acute Angina.

A Photographer was killed on the job.

His photography subjects tried to warn him but apparently a giant wheel of coagulated milk crushed him.

I wanted to run for president of China, but apparently I'm not allowed to.

At least, that's what Xi said...

So the American people's choices for President will apparently be either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton.

That is the joke. There's no punchline here.

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In every friend group, apparently 1 out of 10 people are gay.

I hope it's Tyler, he's super cute.

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I had to pick my son up from school earlier after he was caught swearing.

When we got home I told my wife “apparently he said the C word”

Well that wasn’t clever, was it?”

“No, it was cunt”

Apparently there’s a beef shortage on the rise.

Good news is fast food restaurants shouldn’t be affected.

Apparently I have boundary issues

Or at least that’s what it says in my neighbour’s diary

The Queen and her protection officer were walking through the park in Balmoral (TRUE STORY as told to me by a close source)

As they walked they were approached by an older American couple. “Afternoon, isn’t it lovely here, do you come often?”

“As I matter of fact I live nearby actually.” replied her majesty as her PPO shifted uncomfortably.

“Wow, have you ever met the Queen?!” asked the eager tourists.
<...

The worst thing about this pandemic is all the restaurants apparently using lower quality ingredients to save money.

I'll keep eating out every day, but I haven't been able to taste anything for weeks.

Apparently "I'm sorry" and "My bad" are same thing

unless you're at a funeral

[Demetri martin]

A man comes walking out of a brothel

Right as he walks out i to the street, there's a little boy, smiling and pointing at the man, saying "Hah! I know what you've done! Ooh, I know *exactly* what you've done!"

The man is red with embarassment. "Would you keep it down, son? ", he said and gave the boy 10 dollars. "Take this and f...

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Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try...

...my fucking goldfish died.

Apparently, it is rude to poke somebody in the forehead

and say "skip intro" when they start talking to you ....

"apparently your name spelt backwards is how you'll die"

**Lana:** oh no

Apparently, people in Dubai don’t believe in the Flintstones.

But Abu Dhabi do!

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Working the club circuit

A comedian is working his way up the ranks in the industry. He travels around working small venues for minimal pay, hoping to get noticed and hit it big.

On a seemingly regular Wednesday night at the Laughter House in Bloomington, WI he sets up for a gig that might end up changing his life....

Apparently I execute commands badly....

Wife sent me to the supermarket with a simple request:
#
Go to the supermarket and buy a loaf of bread
#
If they have eggs get a dozen.
#
Came home with 12 loafs of bread,
#
Still don’t get why she’s mad?

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My girlfriend wanted to try doggy style...

Apparently, slobbering all over her and dragging my ass along the carpet wasn't what she had in mind..

I was gambling with a farmer last week and apparently had a really good hand, so good to the point that he bet his livelihood, all 397 of his cattle.

He really raised the steaks

There's a medicine you can buy that apparently cures scepticism.

But I'm not buying it.

My wife asked me where I'd like to be buried ?

Apparently 'balls deep' in your sister wasn't the answer she was expecting.

Apparently most people in The Vatican make their purchases online

Makes sense. I mean, they are a PayPal state

I applied to the local rock quarry...

Apparently getting stoned is not acceptable prior work experience.

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Apparently, Bible says that proper punishment for adultery is to be stoned

That's why I always smoke weed after having sex with my girlfriend

My friends and I went drinking last weekend

This wasn't casual drinking, we got absolutely wasted. I still have a little bit of a headache from the hangover. I don't remember a lot from the night, but I do remember multiple dares, and a bet about who could drink the most without blacking out. I don't remember what placement I got, but I do kn...

I asked a priest why I couldn't just say a bunch of Hail Marys before committing a sin

Apparently the church isn't a fan of anything Pre-Marytal

Went to a journalists house for dinner and he'd put stickers over his ketchup, mayo and tobasco bottles.

Apparently he likes to keep all his sauces anonymous.

I lost the bar trivia contest last night by one point. The last question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair?"

Apparently the correct answer is, Fiji.

Apparently 1/3 of people in a relationship are unfaithful

I’ve just gotta figure out if it’s my wife or my girlfriend

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and be glad that you're alive?

Apparently, I did and won’t be allowed on Hawaiian Airlines again...

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I used to bartend for this popular place off a rural highway in my state…

I used to bartend for this popular place off a rural highway in my state. It marketed itself as a tavern, to get tourists to come in and buy a bite to eat, but the locals knew it by the name of the former owner, Pete.

Pete had died a few years before I started working there. His younger broth...

I know I shouldn’t have done this, but ...

I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning. The young lady behind me leaned on her horn and started mouthing something because apparently, I was taking too long to place my order.

When I got to the first window, I paid for her order along with my own. The cashier told her what I'd do...

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Wise words and thoughts.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

I’m responsible for what I say, not what you understand.

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.

My tole...

Apparently there are two rules to win in life...

1. Never be poor.
2. Never be ugly.

Well, the joke's on me.

What’s the toughest thing about being a vegan?

Apparently, keeping it to yourself.

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese

... and there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

I saw a long stick of bread posing for a photo.....

... apparently it was a roll- model.

I met a Jockey who told me they're dating a Carpenter

I'd not have thought they'd have much in common but apparently the relationship is really stable

I use to go to a comic book shop that only sold books with female leads;

The owner was apparently arrested for being a heroine dealer.

Diana Ross just resigned as a Member of Parliament.

Apparently it was a Chain Reaction.

I just got kicked out of the hospital.

Apparently, the sign says "Stroke victims with acute angina"

DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?


DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?


MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????


DAD: No, it was with a knife...

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Apparently, men think about sex every seven seconds...

I make sure I eat my hotdogs within 6 seconds so it doesn't get weird.

When the interviewer asked "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

apparently "In the mirror" wasnt the right answer.

Apparently the British hated rows,

which was why they columnised so many places

Lawyer goes hunting

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I ...

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