This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see? He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they're TWINS ! I had never met them before, apparently they live at the uni and were visiting.

Anyway, so I went up to my friend's room, “How are you mate?”

“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my socks from downstairs. My feet are freezing.” he tells me.

So I rushed downstairs and found his two sisters perched up on the couch, right where his socks lay.

I sa...

I couldn’t find the thingy that peels potatoes and carrots, so I asked my kids if they'd seen it. Apparently...

She left me two days ago...

My fried just got engaged to her boyfriend, Peter, and was gushing about how in love she is. Obviously the first thing out of my mouth was "oh, so you're a massive Peterphile!" Apparently that was "inappropriate" and now she's annoyed with me.

This is actually a true story, so hope it's okay that it's not in a standard joke format.

Apparently it took Thomas Edison 1000 attempts to make the lightbulb.

Damn, he would have gone through some dark times.

My friend said that, apparently, you cant make a sentence without the letter 'a'...

I don't know if they're right. Do you guys know if its true? I'm honestly kind of lost on this one...

Police are asking for help in solving a recent string of burglaries. The perpetrator, apparently suffering from IBS, does #2 on the kitchen floor before escaping.

So far they have no firm leads.

Apparently, due to COVID Germany is running low on sausage and cheese.

The government considers this to be the Wurst Käse scenario

Apparently, they once sat William Shakespeare in front of an infinite number of typewriters.

After a week, he had written "ooh aahh ooh ooh"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In every friend group, apparently 1 out of 10 people are gay.

I hope it's Tyler, he's super cute.

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

Apparently most people in The Vatican make their purchases online

Makes sense. I mean, they are a PayPal state

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There’s apparently an optimal temperature for sex

Usually its too hot or too cold though, it never seems to be the right fucking temperature

Apparently most people lean slightly forward when they nod their head.

Must say, I'm inclined to agree.

Apparently Tucker Carlson is starting a new band

Rage sponsored by the machine

Apparently I have boundary issues

Or at least that’s what it says in my neighbour’s diary

I was gambling with a farmer last week and apparently had a really good hand, so good to the point that he bet his livelihood, all 397 of his cattle.

He really raised the steaks

Apparently, I spend too much time on reddit

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf

Apparently an invisible man is going to break into my house today

I just don't see that coming

Apparently, people in Dubai don’t believe in the Flintstones.

But Abu Dhabi do!

Apparently I execute commands badly....

Wife sent me to the supermarket with a simple request:
#
Go to the supermarket and buy a loaf of bread
#
If they have eggs get a dozen.
#
Came home with 12 loafs of bread,
#
Still don’t get why she’s mad?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently the man was smothered to death between a pair of breasts.

There was no sign of a struggle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a man was sued for libel and slander...

The judge asked, "What's the defendant accused of saying?"

The plaintiff's attorney replied, "He called my client an, and I quote, 'incompetent motherfucker', your honor."

The judge nodded, "And what does the defense plea?"

The defendant's attorney rose, "Not guilty as charged, ...

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese

... and there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently, Bible says that proper punishment for adultery is to be stoned

That's why I always smoke weed after having sex with my girlfriend

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently women really care about belly buttons

I told this girl I had an outtie and her eyes lit up

Apparently, there's a necrophiliac on the loose.

Look alive, people!

Apparently you can’t use ‘beefstew’ as a password

It’s not stroganoff.

Apparently, France still leads the US in total executions performed.

However, I don't think that's a fair comparison as France got a head start.

Did you hear about the Midwestern dairy farmers? Apparently they've begun a new trend of covering their cows' teets with fabric because they felt like their heifers were indecent.

It's Being Called An Udder Shame.

"apparently your name spelt backwards is how you'll die"

**Lana:** oh no

Apparently, it is rude to poke somebody in the forehead

and say "skip intro" when they start talking to you ....

The worst thing about this pandemic is all the restaurants apparently using lower quality ingredients to save money.

I'll keep eating out every day, but I haven't been able to taste anything for weeks.

My wife asked me where I'd like to be buried? \

Apparently "balls deep in your sister" wasn't the answer she was expecting.

There's a medicine you can buy that apparently cures scepticism.

But I'm not buying it.

Apparently there are two rules to win in life...

1. Never be poor.
2. Never be ugly.

Well, the joke's on me.

My wife asked me which of her friends I would want to have a threesome with.

Apparently I was only supposed to pick one.

So Kim Jong Un is apparently in a coma...

...Which is weird, because I thought his dad was the Il one.

Apparently, drinking a pint of beer shortens your lifespan by nine minutes.

According to my calculations I died some time in 1829.

Apparently, we are getting a make up year for 2020 because we missed so much of it due to COVID.

Next year is officially 2020: 2

Apparently, 9 out of 10 people don’t trust stairs

They know they’re up to something

My girlfriend left me because I apparently never listen...

She could have had the courtesy to tell me.

Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.

Apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks.

And now the cops are here…..

I've just applied for a job in a salad packing factory.

The hours are terrible, but apparently the celery is good.

What do you get when you combine human DNA with whale DNA?

Kicked out of Sea World, apparently.



Yes, I know it's a repost. But I love this joke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently the average person had sex 90 times this year...

...these last two weeks are going to be incredible!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I suggested to my wife that maybe it’s time we asked our roommates to move out, seeing as they are obnoxiously loud and leave their shit everywhere.

After throwing her shoe at me, she told me that it’s apparently illegal to kick your kids out before they are 18.

Apparently there’s a beef shortage on the rise.

Good news is fast food restaurants shouldn’t be affected.

Bruce Willis has admitted to making an "error of judgement" after reportedly being asked to leave a Los Angeles store for refusing to wear a face mask. Apparently, he wasn't even aware of the effects of his actions until a young boy walked up to him and said...

"I see dead people."

Apparently "I'm sorry" and "My bad" are same thing

unless you're at a funeral

[Demetri martin]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Medical joke...

I work in medicine and I've been getting a lot of emails and messages about counterfeit drugs coming into America. Apparently some medications are being sold in America that were made in backwoods factories and third world countries. The latest message I got from the FDA was to be on the lookout f...

I couldn't join the KKK, apparently my bloodline isn't pure enough

Turns out, my parents weren't even related.

Apparently Kraft are opening a new factory in the Holy Land. They're calling it . . .

Cheeses of Nazareth.

Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain...

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support...

Apparently 1/3 of people in a relationship are unfaithful

I’ve just gotta figure out if it’s my wife or my girlfriend

I got fired from my job as a masseur.

There wasn't any specific incident, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.

What do you call a wolf that is woke?

Awarewolf



(credit goes to my GF, who's apparently practicing her dad humor. *sigh* please, don't wreck my karma)

Apparently there are three jewish guys in my car's air conditioner....

Hi, Norm and Max.

Background: Something I noticed many, many years ago when I was a teenager in my dad's car. My dad thought it was pretty funny. He had a lousy sense of humor. lol

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail

But apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

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I applied to every single college fraternity

But I was refused membership in all the fraternities because I was circumcised.

Apparently they only accept complete dicks.

Apparently the British hated rows,

which was why they columnised so many places

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour.

Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently as a 4-year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.

Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.

I bought a 2nd hand car

I bought a 2nd hand car from a dodgy garage and when i drove it i couldn't hear a thing.
Apparently I'd bought a deaf trap.

Take 2: Someone stole my credit cards and apparently made a purchase in a furniture store.

I only found out when the bank contacted me and told me that my card had been reclined.

I recently had a chat with a Spanish girl whose name is apparently "senorita 2"

Unfortunately she wasn't able to recognize any of the words I was saying. That's probably the only time I'll speak with "MS-DOS".

Apparently they have increased the difficulty level of the "She sells sea shells" tongue twister in a newer version

The seller lives in Seychelles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently the hornier you are, the more forgetful you are

Did you know that the hornier you are, the more forgetful you are?

Apparently a cat has caught Covid

Don’t ask meow...

Have you heard about the problem with wildfires in Greece?

Apparently you can’t extinguish a Greece fire with water.

Did you hear the news about Shang Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings?

Apparently, Shang Chi is notorious for never answering his phone

A woman told me I was the biggest she'd ever had..

Apparently ditto wasn't the correct repsonse

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently, there’s a porn out there starring the band Dexys Midnight Runners

Have you seen *Cum on Eileen?*

I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?


DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?


MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????


DAD: No, it was with a knife...

I used to love tractors when I was a kid.

I had posters of them up on my walls, dozens of toy tractors I used to play with; I remember one year my parents surprised me for my birthday with a big cake in the shape of a tractor. They were an obsession.

As I grew older, I started to notice girls and put more thought into my studies, and...

IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years...

...but they're having a really hard time putting their case together.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The White Ape

A man was driving down the road in the middle of the night when, naturally, his car broke down. There was no one around, but he saw a light up ahead. He walked towards it and soon figured out that it was a farmhouse.
The man knocked on the door, and a farmer answered. "Sir," he said to the farmer...

I'm in big trouble with my wife. We were in bed and she asked, what I'd like to do most with her body?

Apparently, "Identify it." wasn't the right answer!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two deaf guys stop off in a pub one night on the way home from their lip reading class.

Communicating by using their new lip reading skills one offers to buy the drinks and gives the money to the other who goes to the bar to get them.

At the bar he asks for two pints of lager which the barman puts on the bar and then says “that’ll be £15 please.”

The deaf guy looks shocke...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently, men think about sex every seven seconds...

I make sure I eat my hotdogs within 6 seconds so it doesn't get weird.

Apparently Monica Lewinsky didn’t vote for Hillary Clinton this election.

She said the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try...

...my fucking goldfish died.

A movie theater in my town was recently robbed of over $20,000 of merchandise

The thieves apparently stole 5 popcorn/soda combos and 10 boxes of Raisinets.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say it's always better to have a wank with a dead arm...

...but apparently, I ruined that funeral.

Did you hear about the ship that crashed on an island with a cargo of red and brown paint?

Apparently the whole crew was marooned.

I got speaking to a soldier the other day

I was interested in his story so I asked him what his rank was but apparently it's a secret; he said it was Private.

A perfectionist walked into a bar…

apparently the bar wasn’t set high enough.

Apparently Santa has retired.

He’s passed all his responsibilities to Amazon.

Saw some videos about the fires burning near Athens.

Apparently nobody told the firefighters that you can't use water to put out a Greece fire.

Apparently there’s a battle for the rights to Star Wars aftershave.

It’s “The Cologne Wars.”

Apparently I’ve been banned from the gas station for playing ‘The Who’ too loudly on my car stereo...

I won't get fueled again.

Apparently someone in London is stabbed every 58 seconds.

Poor bloke!

My anti-vaxx girlfriend asked me about trying to make a child together

Apparently, “Let’s give it a shot, then” wasn’t the best answer.

Apparently origami enthusiasts are bad at poker...

they're always folding.

I'll see myself out. lol

I wanted to put a measure on the ballot that would release all English instructors from prison, but apparently...

**you can't end sentences with a proposition.**

Did you hear about the guy whose girlfriend accused him of battery?

Apparently he was charged.

Apparently the first dog in space died of stress

It was probably because of the vacuum

Recently the police were called to the residence of an elderly couple. The Chief radios the station that the wife has shot the husband.

The Sgt. at the station stammers "What? Why?" The Chief calls back "Well, apparently she warned him about walking on her freshly mopped floors one more time..." Sarge is in utter disbelief "Did you go and arrest her??" Chief said not yet. Sarge asked what the hell he's waiting for. Chief radios back...

Apparently that new tropical storm is really hard to track. I keep seeing on the news TROPICAL STORM ETA

but they never say when it’ll hit.

Apparently NASCAR is banning all Confederate flags from its races.

But how will drivers know they’ve entered the last lap of the race? 🏳

So the American people's choices for President will apparently be either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton.

That is the joke. There's no punchline here.

Apparently scarves are the most dangerous form of winter clothing.

The least dangerous are sweater vests. They’re completely armless

Looking back on 10 years of marriage

Wanted to save this story for one of my favorite subs.

When I first met my wife we went on our first date and I was pretty nervous. I wanted to take her somewhere different to break the monotonous “first date” vibe of coffee or drinks so we decided to go to a local apiary to help transpla...

Apparently my alarm clock is transparent

I slept right through it

3 Guys are waiting in line to enter heaven

Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first guy, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've sus...

Apparently all the bathroom fixtures in the Whitehouse are now gold.

I just heard the President likes gold in showers.

(Apparently, I said this joke in my sleep, and don't recall ever hearing it before, so I may have come up with it in my sleep as well.) Did you hear the one about the professional hockey player who quit his job to become an accountant?

He wanted an off-ice job.

When I was growing up in South Dakota we would go out and catch rabbits to give to the local brewery in exchange for cash.

Apparently they used them for the hops.

Apparently Rihanna is partnering with Nike to make big shoes for women

They're calling them AirRihanna Grandes

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and and be glad that you are still alive?

I did, apparently this girl sitting next to me is really mad at me and I won't be allowed to sleep during lectures anymore.

Lawyer Joke

Did you hear about the new stamps with famous lawyers?

Apparently they got recalled because people got confused which side to spit on.

Apparently the police have been going to a load of house parties as lockdown rules are getting implemented.

Ridiculous, one rule for us and another for them.

Apparently the CDC is even limiting JOKES now? The CDC put out humor guidelines today asking Americans to limit themselves to

only telling inside jokes

My girlfriend got the coronavirus so I broke up with her. 2 weeks later, she’s seeing a new guy now and apparently he just tested positive. Be careful out there everyone, I guess what they say is true.

Ex gon give it to ya

Found out a colleague of mine who’s been missing for a few days was found dead this morning.

Apparently he walked into a cemetery while drunk and broke his neck as he fell into a dug up hole.

What a grave mistake.

So apparently Kanye West is running for president

My question is, will he let the other candidates finish their speeches?

Little Johnny was taken from his parents and they were deemed unfit to raise him.

He went to family court where a judge would decide his fate. Johnny had a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. But johnny...

Apparently I have a foot fetish. Feet make me so excited, but I'm always ashamed. I really want to deny it, but after a year of lying to myself...

I accept defeat

Apparently, scientists proved the existence of dark matter

Does that mean

Black Matter Lives?

Apparently, stating letters and their Scrabble values is a good idea...

...I for one agree.

A man waved at me, so I waved him back but apparently he was waving at a woman behind me, so I kept my hand up and stopped a taxi that took me to the airport.

I am now in Ireland starting a new life

My boss stared at me coldly and grumbled, “You’re fired!" Dejected, I slowly placed my gun and badge on the table. Apparently, he wasn't finished because then he shouted...

“You’re a waiter, brah! Where did you get those!?"

TIL it’s not “worst case Ontario”

Apparently the correct spelling is “Manitoba”

I once got fired from a canned juice company

Apparently, I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.

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