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Apparently Jokes

Apparently you can’t use “beefstew” as a password.

It’s not stroganoff.

I couldn't join the KKK, apparently my bloodline isn't pure enough

Turns out, my parents weren't even related.

If you lose one sense, apparently your other senses are enhanced.

This is why people with no sense of humour have a heightened sense of self-importance.

So the American people's choices for President will apparently be either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton.

That is the joke. There's no punchline here.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently as a 4-year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.

Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.

Apparently the company that makes Tupperware is going bust, which is a surprise.

I thought their finances would have been airtight.

IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years...

...but they're having a really hard time putting their case together.

Apparently someone has been shot with a starter pistol at the athletics track

Police think it may be race related

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man says to his wife 'apparently the milkman has had sex with every woman but one on our street'

'I bet it's that stuck up cow at No.36' replies the wife

Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain...

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently someone in London is stabbed every 58 seconds.

Poor bastard.

Oxygen and Potassium went on a date, and apparently it was OK

But then we saw Oxygen getting together with Magnesium, and we were like, OMg Oxygen is cheating on Potassium! That is *not* OK!

But then when Nitrogen started flirting, Oxygen said NO.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try...

...my fucking goldfish died.

Apparently I snore so loudly that

I scare everyone in the car I'm driving.

Apparently you can get STDs from toilet seats

But only if you sit down before the other guy gets up

Apparently if your girlfriend or wife ever says "if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new...."

"anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.

I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

Apparently "I'm sorry" and "My bad" are same thing

unless you're at a funeral

[Demetri martin]

Apparently screaming 5 second rule

Apparently screaming 5 second rule when eating out your girlfriend isn’t considered romantic when she falls off the bed.

So Kim Jong Un is apparently in a coma...

...Which is weird, because I thought his dad was the Il one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently the man was smothered to death between a pair of breasts.

There was no sign of a struggle.

Apparently Elton John has a personal trainer for his rabbit…

It’s a little fit bunny

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see? He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they're TWINS ! I had never met them before, apparently they live at the uni and were visiting.

Anyway, so I went up to my friend's room, “How are you mate?”

“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my socks from downstairs. My feet are freezing.” he tells me.

So I rushed downstairs and found his two sisters perched up on the couch, right where his socks lay.

I sa...

Apparently the Republican party are considering banning coffee...

Part of their war on woke.

Apparently there’s a beef shortage on the rise.

Good news is fast food restaurants shouldn’t be affected.

Apparently the clocks are going back next week

I guess that’s daylight robbery

My girlfriend yelled at me because I apparently treat her like a child.

So I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.

Apparently people think that I am condescending

(that means I look down on people)

Apparently, there's a necrophiliac on the loose.

Look alive, people!

Apparently Trump's family tree looks like a cactus

Everybody on it is a prick

Apparently, when you drink a pint of Beer

You shorten your lifespan by 9 minutes. So according to my calculations, i died sometime in 1644.

Apparently there's a lettuce shortage.

Hopefully we can all romaine calm.

My friend said that, apparently, you cant make a sentence without the letter 'a'...

I don't know if they're right. Do you guys know if its true? I'm honestly kind of lost on this one...

Apparently one in three people cheat.

I wonder if it's my wife or my girlfriend.

Apparently they couldn’t prove the construction company used poor quality materials when building the bridge that fell down.

They had no concrete evidence.

Apparently there was a mass shooting at the Gap.

There were a lot of casual tees.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW apparently pigeons die after sex

I didn't believe it myself, I tried and indeed they die

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I looked at my roommate's search history. Apparently he's into forbidden desserts?

He keeps searching for "barely legal cream pies."

Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.

Just a really bad spell of weather.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend isn't talking to me because apparently I "ruined" her birthday...

..I'm not sure how that's possible, I didn't even know it was her fucking birthday.

Apparently smoking weed makes you gain weight

That explains my Pot belly

Apparently, even saying "black paint" is considered racist...

You're supposed to say, "Leeroy, would you please paint the fence."

Apparently Donald Trump's favourite film is E.T...

Because it's about an illegal alien that goes home.

Apparently you’re autistic if…

Apparently you’re autistic if you take things literally

Well, I’ve never stolen anything in my life so definitely not me

Apparently in Slovakia, they don't play 'The Floor is Lava'

They much prefer 'The Brat is Lava'

Apparently the world tongue twister champion was recently arrested.

I hear they’re gonna give him a tough sentence

Apparently they're removing the essay section from the SAT

Now it's just going to be called the T.

Apparently designer Depends are a thing...

The SkidMarc-Anthonys are absorbing a lot of market share.

Apparently I have “boundary issues”

At least that’s what my neighbor wrote in his journal anyway

Apparently Pfizer is now selling a pill that treats skepticism.

But I'm not buying it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There’s apparently an optimal temperature for sex

Usually its too hot or too cold though, it never seems to be the right fucking temperature

Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary.

If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.

Florida governor Ron DeSantis is apparently reviewing the future of Formula One in Miami

The Drag Reduction System is not what he thought it was.

Apparently it’s no longer OK to urinate in the ocean.

I’m told it’s not pee sea.

Apparently, it is illegal to laugh loudly in Hawaii

All you can do is a low HA

So apparently drinking alcohol is illegal now.

Just got pulled over for it.

Apparently, Stradivarius's are so rare people will literally kill for a chance to get one

Violins begets violence

Apparently Tucker Carlson is starting a new band

Rage sponsored by the machine

Apparently origami enthusiasts are bad at poker...

they're always folding.

I'll see myself out. lol

I tried to beat up the composer, but failed. Apparently I wasn’t…

…Rachmaninov.

Apparently, the FDA is okay with lab-grown meat

Poodle-grown meat, however, is still off the menu.

Apparently 1/3 of people in a relationship are unfaithful

I’ve just gotta figure out if it’s my wife or my girlfriend

Apparently the Dad jokes never stop...

I just told my wife I was going to go hop in the shower; my 66 year old father-in-law looks me straight in the face and says, "You know, it works better if you just stand in it"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently, men think about sex every seven seconds...

I make sure I eat my hotdogs within 6 seconds so it doesn't get weird.

My wife said we could each have 3 hall passes. She picked Henry Cavil, Jason Momoa, and Matt Damon; but then she got mad at me for my picks...

Apparently her sister, our kids kindergarten teacher and and Kelsey in the marketing department were the wrong answers.

Apparently some pet rocks are braver than others...

I understand they're a little boulder.

Apparently, the repairs to Big Ben are going to take three years to complete.

That's ridiculous, considering they're working around the clock.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethic minority, so...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, a Dane, a Romani, a Bulgarian, a Swiss, a Greek, a Bulgaria...

Everybody picks on me because apparently my “memory is so bad”

But I cannot remember the last time I forgot something.

So, apparently Rand Paul was sucker punched...

So Rand Paul, who happens to be an ophthalmologist, apparently got into a fight with his neighbor, an anesthesiologist. Paul claims he was sucker punched, but neither man was badly hurt.

Does make you wonder, though - an ophthalmologist who didn't see it coming and an anesthesiologist who fai...

So apparently Kanye West is running for president

My question is, will he let the other candidates finish their speeches?

Apparently one of the side effects of coronavirus is no taste...

Thoughts go out to all the Nickelback fans out there

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard the grim reaper is bisexual…

Apparently, Death comes for us all.

Apparently, Marx was right about religion being the opiate of the masses.

I just heard someone on the radio talking about mainlining Protestant churches.

Apparently, women in muslim countries can't drive.

They can't do it here either.

I've been telling him too many dad jokes apparently.

Wife: I was feeling sad because the sun went away.

10-year old boy: I'm right here!

Apparently a Redditor was possessed by an owl.

Who?

I got fired from my job as a masseur.

There wasn't any specific incident, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.

I try to teach my mom something new everyday.

Because you're supposed to learn from your mistakes.

Apparently the majority of The United Arab Emirates don't allow The Flintstones to be shown...

However Abu Dhabi do.

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