I’ve started deliberately getting hard before taking a leak. It helps me avoid getting any on the seat or floor.

You could say I please to aim

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone at work deliberately switched the buttons around on the elevator!

It’s wrong on so many levels.

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A man with a foot fetish got a job giving women pedicures...

Sounds obvious, right? Probably happens all the time.

However, this particular voyeur was really bad at controlling himself and concealing his intentions. One day he was in the process of painting a woman's toes, but he took a bit too much pleasure in it, as doing so gave him an erection so...

(NSFW) why did Michael Jackson deliberately lose races ?

He enjoys coming in a little behind

TIL Dolphins deliberately get high on the nerve toxins of puffer fish by chewing on them and passing it around

Talk about ‘puff puff pass’, amirite?

Why did the mad scientist deliberately create a huge fire tornado?

Some people just want to watch the whirled burn.

What do we call the process which usually happens after a company deliberately sells a misleading product to its customers?

DLC.

There's a certain way people look at you when you accidentally drop a baby.

Compared to deliberately throwing one across the room.

Abraham Lincoln's favorite fart joke.

Well, there was a party once, not far from here, which was composed of ladies and gentlemen. A fine table was set and the people were greatly enjoying themselves. Among the crowd was one of those men who had audacity — was quick-witted, cheeky, and self-possessed — never off his guard on any occasio...

The anti-phonetic alphabet

I've been making a list for months of words that can be used to deliberately confuse people over the phone when phonetically reading out letters. Some letters like L are tough so I just added funny words to say.

A - aisle

B - bdellium

C - czar

D - Djibouti, Django, djemb...

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My wife and the hooker...

My wife of 5 years had put on just a little bit of weight recently and I wanted to encourage her to become fitter. I took up jogging hoping she’d join me on my runs but she didn’t take to it immediately. Nevertheless, I continued doing it every evening and like clockwork,I would run past this extrem...

Mother in law

A lady had 3 son in laws and she wanted to know who is the sincerest of them so she thought of trying them out one by one.

One day she asked the eldest one to come and help her in some errands. On the way back home she deliberately jumped into a water well and starts to drown. The eldest with...

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Two beggars sit outside a church in St. Petersburg in Tsarist Russia

Each has a hat on the ground in front of him. One of the beggars is wearing a cross around his neck and the other is clearly an old Jew.

When services are over, the doors of the church open, and the crowd of Russians walk out. One by one, the Russians spit on the old Jew and very deliberately...

A group of friends go camping.

They have a rule: whoever is the first to complain about the cooking has to cook the next dinner.

The first evening, they draw straws to see who has to cook first. The new cook does a decent job with their dinner that evening and no one complains. He’s not happy about having to cook, though.<...

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Little Ernie was taking a walk in the park with his father

Little Ernie was taking a walk in the park with his father, when suddenly a bee settled on a rock, in front of them. Just for a spice, Ernie picked up a piece of wood and smashed the bee, whereupon his father said:

-"That was very cruel, Ernie. And for being cruel, you will get no honey for ...

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Long, but worth the read. Wrote it myself.

In the darkest corner of my basement I sat alone. Eyes puffy from hours of crying and yet tears still streamed down my face. A lone snot bubble formed as I wiped my nose on my sleeve. I refused to use my hands. I looked down and in the pale moonlight streaming through the window I could tell the...

An eighty-year-old man thinks his wife is losing her hearing

After a few weeks of being consistently ignored by his wife, he decides to see if she is deliberately ignoring him or just losing her hearing.


One evening, while she is cleaning the dishes, he stands about ten feet behind her and asks "Can you hear me?" His wife does not respond.

<...

Two travelers are driving past a, "Welcome to Lewisville, Kentucky!", sign and ...

They can't decide if it's pronounce LouiS-ville or Louey-ville. So they decide to settle it by asking at a burger place they pull up to.

"Hi we're from out of town and have a bet about how locals pronounce this place"?

The local says deliberately and slowly, "Burger... King".

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Behold the bacon tree...

Three young solders are huddled behind a rock prepping to go and face the onslaught of fire ringing around them, when suddenly the world plunges into silence that not even the birds disturb. It's almost peaceful for a moment, if it weren't for the threat just beyond thier protective boulder.
The ...

Anyone know any good anti jokes?

Anti jokes are basically jokes that are so serious and deliberately not funny to the point where they are funny. Yeah its hard to explain. But I was looking for some good ones that aren't already on the anti joke website so share them if you know any.

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After years of complaints, a mother finally gets sick of cooking dinner.

She makes a new family rule: whoever complains about dinner has to cook the next night. After a few rounds, dinner duty falls to the husband. But by now, everyone is sick of having to cook, so they all decide to stop complaining. Weeks go by. The dad is sick of cooking, but nobody complains about hi...

I used to work for a mad scientist

He was a real visionary, or so I thought at the time. Eccentric, yet fiercely intelligent. His work was on genetically enhancing marine mammals, especially dolphins. We were making them stronger, faster and above all *smarter*-and after all its well known that dolphins are already very intelligent. ...

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A man hears a voice from above...

The voice commands: "SELL YOUR BUSINESS!" The man is understandably hesitant, but the voice is insistent. "SELL YOUR BUSINESS!" The man finally gives in and sells his fairly successful business to the tune of 3 million dollars. Soon after, he hears the voice again.

"NOW, SPEND ALL YOUR MONEY...

The parrot in a pet store

A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!"

The lady was furious and continued on her way.

On the way home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more said "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!"

She was incredibly ticked now...

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