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Alarm Jokes

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What do a vibrator and a farmer's alarm clock have in common?

They're both electronic replacements for cocks.

My wife is jealous of my alarm clock.

It is the only thing that can get me up.
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Hey, girl. Are you a fire alarm

Because you're annoying and wont shut up
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I use my cell phone as an alarm clock.

I call it Veriz'n shine..
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I set Blur’s Parklife as my alarm, and it goes off every single day of the week...

Except for Wednesdays, when I’m rudely awakened by the dustman.
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I went through airport security and the alarm went off

The TSA agent asked if I had any metal on me.

I said hell yeah I do, pulled out a Metallica CD and slammed it on the table.

I was detained and strip searched but it was worth it.
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They say you should test your fire alarm once a month...

But it's costing me a fortune in houses!
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This is a conspiracy by Big Alarm Clock

wake up people
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For his birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that swears at him instead of beeping.

He’s in for a rude awakening.
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NSFW A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma..

A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma when she notices that the patients heart rate and breathing increase whenever she cleans the genital area. She gets the idea that oral sex might actually revive her. She calls the patient's husband over and explains that oral sex might revive her,...

I've been trying to find an alarm clock made out of a potato...

...ever since I had a meeting with my boss about arriving late for work and he told me "Get a potato clock".
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Girl, you remind me of an alarm clock...

...you were a good idea last night but now I just want you to shut the fuck up

I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm today

The loud beeping was giving me a headache.
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Not to alarm you all, but I just had a near sex experience.

My wife flashed before my eyes.

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Damn girl are you a smoke alarm?

Because you're really fucking loud and annoying.

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
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A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises.

The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?"

The man replies, " like a glove."

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Fishing or Sex?

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place.

The first guy says:

"You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

The second g...

Your phone has already replaced your watch, camera, calendar and alarm clock...

Don't let it replace your family.
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I installed a new home alarm system I've never felt safer

I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.


I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.


The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service...
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*Nsfw* The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

How do you make an alarm noise in Northern Ireland?

You hit the Belfast!

Happy St. Patrick's Day :)
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To get an alarm clock to go off, you must turn it on

I operate in the same manner
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I invented a SJW alarm clock.

It not only tells you the time, it reminds you what year it is, too.
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I wish I knew how to turn off my carbon monoxide alarm....

It's been going off for about fifteen minutes and the noise is making really dizzy and lightheaded.
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How do you trip an alarm?

It doesn’t have any feet.
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An Israeli businessman accidentally sleeps through his alarm one morning.

Feeling the panic of waking up late, he throws on his suit as quickly as he can and rushes out the door to drive to work. As he begins the commute through the Tel Aviv rush hour traffic, he painfully watches the clock as his meeting starts without him.

Finally he pulls into his parking lot, ...
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"Why is the alarm in the office going off, boss?" "It's a fire drill...

"You're all getting fired!"
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My alarm system kept breaking down

The alarm system kept breaking down so, instead of repairing it I decided to get a guard dog instead.

I went to the pet store and the shopkeeper showed me a lot of breeds to choose from. A Rottweiler, a German Shepherd, A Doberman, but there was this one tiny little pug that caught my eye. I...
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Why do Jedi hate alarm clocks?

Because of The Force Awakens.
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After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...
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Best pick up line to impress the ladies

“Damn, are you a car alarm? Because you’re really fucking loud and annoying”

There are four people in an airplane.

They are as follows:

\- The pilot (Obviously)

\- The president of the USA

\- The world's smartest man

\- A student from a local school.



Suddenly, an alarm sounds. The pilot runs into the passenger cabin and says:

"I don't want to alarm you, but there...
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My wife and I were trying to have sex when the slow cooker set off the fire alarm.

I was crock blocked.

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Certain japanse buildings had creaking floorboards which would alarm the guards if there were intruders.

That seems like a sound strategy to me.

I have an alarm in the mornimg

But it's to tell me to go to sleep.
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Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it...
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went withou...
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If you miss the alarm for 4:20, wait for 4:22...

Because 4:22 is 4:20 too.
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A man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his body extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond belief.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down...

If Tom Cruise forget to set his alarm clock

He'd be Tom Snooze
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Four prisoners are killed in a prison bus accident

A drug dealer, a car thief, a bank robber and a rapist all die and are sent immediately to hell. Once there Satan begins checking his documents and says he isn’t ready for them. He says “you died a little too soon. So we don’t have anywhere to put you. I will be clearing out a few places for you but...

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What do you call an alarm clock that doesn't have a snooze button?

A toddler.

(Hang in there fellow parents)

Apparently my alarm clock is transparent

I slept right through it
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Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.


One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so...
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My wife turns on the alarm even when we are all home enjoying a quiet spring evening.

I think she is unnecessarily alarmist.
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So I bought a burglar alarm.

Now my burglar has no excuse to oversleep.
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A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said, alarmed by the sound. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. ...
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A submarine sounds the emergency alarm

“What is it? cries the captain.

“It’s the navigation, sir” replies the commander. “I can’t get our bearings! There don’t seem to be any continents in this region!”

And that’s why this sub went down. A lack of a regional continent.
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On holiday in Moscow, my mother told me told me to set an early alarm or I would have to rush.

I told her not to worry because if I'm Russian, soviet.
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I once set an alarm to tell me when my milk would expire

Spoiler alert
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Today I realized my most enlightening appliance is my alarm clock.

Everytime it goes off, I get woke.
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A submarine is following its course, when the alarm goes off...

Everyone starts panicking, except for James. He is known for being the funniest among the recruits and he always lights up the mood, even in critical situations.

"What is going on?" he asks.

"We are about to crash, you imbecile! Go help Smith, quick!"

"Wanna hear a funny j...
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My Friend Have An Alarm Clock You Hit Powerfully And It Snoozes Longer

I Tried With Mine And It Work My Is On Snooze Permanently!
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I asked my wife to set the alarm clock for six ...

She asked “why six? There‘s only the two of us here.”

(hat tip: Spike Milligan)
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I ate five alarm chili last night...

...this morning I'm declaring a National Emergency at my southern border.
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Have you heard about the guys who's alarm prevented him from having sex in his dream?

He got clock-blocked

Husband says'' Honey, it's me. I don't want to alarm you but

. . . I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They've checked me over and dome some tests and x-rays. The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately, it didn't cause any serious internal injury. However, I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the lef...
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Save money on home security and alarm systems by flying flags of politically taboo groups on the front

The police will watch your house for free!
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What’s worse than waking up to pee 30 minutes before your alarm goes off?

Not waking up to pee.
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Did you hear about the boy who ate his alarm clock?

Apparently it was really time consuming
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This is the last time I have to be a slave to an alarm clock for a while.

I mean, it will be a whole other decade before I have to do it again
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Don't you hate it when you're trying to have a nap and there's an alarm blaring in the background?

I just had to smash my carbon monoxide alarm to bits, it was giving me a bloody headache.
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I set my alarm 30 minutes before I need to get up every morning

I need 10 minutes to snooze, 10 minutes to sit on the end of my bed hating life, and 10 minutes to convince myself to take the noose off.
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I put your name on my alarm clock...

every time I wake up I get to smash you
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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

I've recently taken a course on alarm clocks, but unfortunately I flunked it.

I overslept and missed the exam.
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One of the things that you get upset if it works and even more if it doesn't: the alarm clock.

That poor thing! It is so scared of you that while waking you up asks if you want a 5 minutes snooze.
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I have the ability to leave a building 5m before the fire alarm starts

I call it premature evacuation.
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My wife always complains I buy crappy Christmas gifts. So I got her a Tourette’s Alarm clock.

She is in for a rude awakening.

This guy had a problem of oversleeping. He was always late for work, and his boss was getting mad. So he went to the doctor and got some pills that were supposed to help. That night he slept well and woke up even before the alarm. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove happily to work.

"Boss," he said, "the pill the doctor gave me actually worked!"

"That's fine," said the boss, "but where were you yesterday?"
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How does someone without an alarm clock in Chicago wake up in the morning?

Police sirens
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Imagine if you hit your alarm clock in the morning and it hit you right back

That would be truly alarming
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I have an ability that I can leave buildings 3m before the fire alarm goes off

But for some reason people call me pyromaniac
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Dear Humans,

You get mad at me when I work....You get mad at me when I don't work.

Sincerely,

Confused alarm clock.
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The blind construction worker at my school accidentally pulled the fire alarm.

I don't think the fire alarm was a drill.
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I set my alarm clock password to me and my wife's wedding anniversary

Needless to say, I haven't slept in weeks.
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So my wife bought one of those orgasm alarm clocks. After seeing how well it worked, I decided to go online and find the male version.

It's safe to say she wasn't to pleased when I was woken up with a bj from a prostitute.

My carbon monoxide alarm went off in the middle of the night

It gave me a really bad headache, so I had to turn it off.
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What is the difference between a baby and a alarm clock?

You only have to hit the alarm clock once to make it be quiet...
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I have recently changed the sound of my alarm clock to "Justin Bieber - Baby"

Now I wake up 5 minutes earlier every day, so I don't have to listen to it.
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What is the worst kind of alarm clock?

The rumble strips.
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A Russian is digging around an old battlefield.

He occasionally finds bits of metal worth scrapping, or something interesting enough to keep. Today, he finds a small clump of smooth metal, only a few inches wide. He tosses it from hand to hand, appreciating the way the morning light glares against the surface of the metal. The man wonders if ther...

How does a blonde set the time on her alarm clock?

She waits until midnight and plugs it back in.

Disclaimer: I know it's terrible, I was very young when I came up with it.
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One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .

In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the...
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My alarm clock isn't in a good mood...

It just went off on me
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[LPT] Choose the song you hate the most as your alarm tone and place your phone as far as possible

Then turn your phone off and sleep like a champion.
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An art thief broke into the Louvre.

Through careful studying of the building plans and months of meticulous planning, he was able to evade all the security and stole several priceless paintings.

He then loaded the paintings into his van parked nearby. Just as he was about to leave, he heard the alarm go off in the building.
...
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I slept through the alarm this morning

Luckily it wasn't a big fire
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Did you hear the joke about the alarm?

No?

It doesn't ring a bell?
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A reddit admin awoke to the sound of a beeping alarm clock

but pressed the snoo's button and went back to sleep

My girlfriend's such a bad cook,

she uses the smoke alarm as a timer.
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Stats joke..

Three professors (a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician) are called in to see their dean. Just as they arrive the dean is called out of his office, leaving the three professors there. The professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.

The physicist says, "I know what ...
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Sat on the loo earlier and the fire alarm went off.

Scared the crap out of me

Almost every day I hear car alarms going off around the city...

But never in my life have I seen a car wake up
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Found this in my timeline...

I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood. So, I tore out my alarm system & de-registered from our local Neighbourhood Watch.
I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIL in its centre.
Now,the Yorkshire police, th...
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What's the difference between a physicist and an engineer?

An engineer and a physicist are roommates. One day a fire starts in the kitchen. The engineer is the only one home. He hears the alarm jumps out of bed grabs the fire extinguisher off the wall and puts out the fire and goes back to bed.

The next night a fire starts in the kitchen again. ...
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I'm devastated. I just had a look at my doctor's notes and he's written that after my accident, I'll never be able to wank again.

Edit: False alarm! I asked him about it and he chuckled about the whole "doctors have bad handwriting" cliche. It's meant to say walk. What a relief!

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