UPJOKE
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I had to remove the batteries from my monoxide alarm

The loud beeping was giving me a terrible headache and making me dizzy

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

Your phone has already replaced your watch, camera, calendar and alarm clock...

Don't let it replace your family.

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said, alarmed by the sound. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. ...

I used to put my phone under my pillow so I could feel the alarm

Now I just put it in my pants. I've never woken up happier

To get an alarm clock to go off, you must turn it on

I operate in the same manner

A blind man with a guide dog went into a store. Suddenly the man picked his dog up by the tail and started turning around in place. The store clerk, alarmed by this strange behavior said , "can I help you? "

“No thanks said the blind man. I’m just taking a look around.”

Hey, girl. Are you a fire alarm

Because you're annoying and wont shut up

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Girl, you remind me of an alarm clock...

...you were a good idea last night but now I just want you to shut the fuck up

I set Blur’s Parklife as my alarm, and it goes off every single day of the week...

Except for Wednesdays, when I’m rudely awakened by the dustman.

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

How do you make an alarm noise in Northern Ireland?

You hit the Belfast!

Happy St. Patrick's Day :)

how do you alarm a barn?

You can't, it's stable!

An electrician gets tired of being looked down upon for his profession

so he uses the money he has saved up to become a doctor.

As a resident, he always stood out amongst a crowd that was still mostly younger rich kids who could afford medical school somehow right out of high school and undergrad.

One day in particular, the hospital fire alarm got yanke...

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it...
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went withou...

Putin dies and goes to hell.

He's met by the devil, who explains to him that he will be shown three different floors and he has to choose which one to spend eternity in.

The devil takes Putin to the first floor where everyone is standing on their heads on a wooden floor. Anytime someone started to tip or fall over, litt...

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Best pick up line to impress the ladies

“Damn, are you a car alarm? Because you’re really fucking loud and annoying”

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Dear Diary,

Dear Diary,

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called...

For his birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that swears at him instead of beeping.

He’s in for a rude awakening.

The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming numbers...

Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.

The guy who invented the alarm clock is my idol.

He’s the sole reason I wake up every day.

I seriously hope this hasn’t been done before.

I use my cell phone as an alarm clock.

I call it Veriz'n shine..

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Certain japanse buildings had creaking floorboards which would alarm the guards if there were intruders.

That seems like a sound strategy to me.

How do you trip an alarm?

It doesn’t have any feet.

"Why is the alarm in the office going off, boss?" "It's a fire drill...

"You're all getting fired!"

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I just started working in a record store.

A Shifty Looking Guy walks in and says.

"got anything by The Doors?"

I said "yes 2 cameras and an alarm, now fuck off"!

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A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises.

The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?"

The man replies, " like a glove."

Fire alarms should just play Nickelback

Anyone who stays in the building deserves what they get.

The little scamp

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.
Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers,he dialed the employee's cell phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" the boss asked.
"Yes," whispe...

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A man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his body extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond belief.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down...

Olaf the Viking is shopping at a supermarket.

He comes across an elderly woman in a wheelchair, crying.
Alarmed, Olaf asks the woman what the matter is.

“I want to look at the puddings, but they are three steps down into the chiller cabinet”, she sobs. Her husband has wandered off down the aisle and isn’t any help.

“That’s no p...

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

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The old Cowboy in Vegas

An old Cowboy decides to go on vacation to Las Vegas after working his ass off for a few years without much of a break.

He’s having a grand old time gambling at one of the large casinos and hits a small jackpot. He thinks to himself that since he’s in Vegas and has a little extra cash, he’d l...

A joke for Saint Patrick's Day...

A lone Irishman walks into an American bar and orders three shots of whiskey - all at once - and proceeds to sip each one in turn.

The American bartender finds it peculiar but minds his business.

Each day, the Irishman returns, ordering three shots of whiskey and sipping each of them i...

Apparently my alarm clock is transparent

I slept right through it

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The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

Why do Jedi hate alarm clocks?

Because of The Force Awakens.

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A drunk man is walking through the park at night...

when he sees a small, dark figure in the distance. He is curious, and gets closer and sees a small person with his back to him. He touches the small man on his shoulder to turn and identify the person and is shocked...

"I can't believe what I am seeing! This has to be my lucky day! Are you.....

My wife asked for peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

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A man buys a house in a new neighbourhood

The next morning, at 8, the man's neighbour rings his doorbell. The guy wakes up and opens the door, still in half-sleep.

"Hey. Sorry to wake you up, but you parked your car right in front of mine. I can't get mine out, and I am running late for office." The neighbour says.

"Oh, I'm r...

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What do you call an alarm clock that doesn't have a snooze button?

A toddler.

(Hang in there fellow parents)

They say you should test your fire alarm once a month...

But it's costing me a fortune in houses!

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.
 

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so he m...

My alarm system kept breaking down

The alarm system kept breaking down so, instead of repairing it I decided to get a guard dog instead.

I went to the pet store and the shopkeeper showed me a lot of breeds to choose from. A Rottweiler, a German Shepherd, A Doberman, but there was this one tiny little pug that caught my eye. I...

An Israeli businessman accidentally sleeps through his alarm one morning.

Feeling the panic of waking up late, he throws on his suit as quickly as he can and rushes out the door to drive to work. As he begins the commute through the Tel Aviv rush hour traffic, he painfully watches the clock as his meeting starts without him.

Finally he pulls into his parking lot, ...

I have an alarm in the mornimg

But it's to tell me to go to sleep.

Math problem alarms

They are so easy i can do them in my sleep.

“Mom, don't get alarmed, but I’m at the hospital.”

“Son, please. You’ve been a surgeon there for 8 years now. Can we start our phone calls differently?”

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The cottage in the middle of the woods

An explorer was lost in the forest, and luckily came upon a cottage in a clearing. He knocked and an old Chinese man opened the door. The man was willing to let the explorer stay on one condition: he didn't approach his daughter or he would impose the three worst Chinese tortures upon him.

D...

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I think the wife's doing a salad for dinner tonight.

Either that, or the smoke alarm's fucked.

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I'm devastated. I just had a look at my doctor's notes and he's written that after my accident, I'll never be able to wank again.

Edit: False alarm! I asked him about it and he chuckled about the whole "doctors have bad handwriting" cliche. It's meant to say walk. What a relief!

I installed those deer alarms on my car that are supposed to scare the deer before you hit them...

Unfortunately I put them in backwards. I got home and there was 25 deer following me.

Today I realized my most enlightening appliance is my alarm clock.

Everytime it goes off, I get woke.

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My wife and I were trying to have sex when the slow cooker set off the fire alarm.

I was crock blocked.

The clinic where I had my recent testicular cancer exam called me and asked, “Did you get our email?” Rather alarmed, I exclaimed, “No! What should I do!?" They replied...

“You better check your junk.”

A Priest, a Rabbi and an Imam are discussing who's religion most easily creates new converts. After 2 days they decide that whoever can convert a bear to their faith fully would win and they would return 24 hrs later .....

The Priest and the Imam are back first, the Priest proclaims to have held a discussion with a bear and it would be attending his church next week.

The Imam says he too held a discussion with a bear, but it will be in the mosque tomorrow to begin studying for it's new faith.

After a whi...

A huge bloke decked in full hunting gear and with an entire dead wildebeest over his shoulder made his way to Nairobi airport.

As he approached the desk the airline attendant noted the wildebeest carcass but more alarmingly noticed that the suitcase he was dragging was bulging sporadically and clearly contained something large and very much alive. Feeling slightly nervous but determined to do his job the attendant challeng...

If you miss the alarm for 4:20, wait for 4:22...

Because 4:22 is 4:20 too.

Dear Humans,

You get mad at me when I work....You get mad at me when I don't work.

Sincerely,

Confused alarm clock.

So I bought a burglar alarm.

Now my burglar has no excuse to oversleep.

I asked my wife to set the alarm clock for six ...

She asked “why six? There‘s only the two of us here.”

(hat tip: Spike Milligan)

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NSFW A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma..

A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma when she notices that the patients heart rate and breathing increase whenever she cleans the genital area. She gets the idea that oral sex might actually revive her. She calls the patient's husband over and explains that oral sex might revive her,...

An Irishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman...

...are robbing the manor house.

One of them trips the alarm and before you know it the cops arrive with sirens blaring and lights flashing.

The three unlucky gents are in the kitchen, and looking around the Scotsman spies three empty sacks in the corner..." right lads....in the sacks...

I wish I knew how to turn off my carbon monoxide alarm....

It's been going off for about fifteen minutes and the noise is making really dizzy and lightheaded.

A submarine sounds the emergency alarm

“What is it? cries the captain.

“It’s the navigation, sir” replies the commander. “I can’t get our bearings! There don’t seem to be any continents in this region!”

And that’s why this sub went down. A lack of a regional continent.

3 captured soldiers are about to be executed by an enemy firing squad

The first captured soldier is taken in front of the firing squad and is about to get killed.

That soldier gets clever and thinks of a plan: right before the enemies fire at him, he yells “EARTHQUAKE!.”
The enemy firing squad gets confused for a moment thinking there’s an earthquake. By the...

My Friend Have An Alarm Clock You Hit Powerfully And It Snoozes Longer

I Tried With Mine And It Work My Is On Snooze Permanently!

I invented a SJW alarm clock.

It not only tells you the time, it reminds you what year it is, too.

Today I divorced my alarmingly overweight wife.

I guess it just didn't work out.

On holiday in Moscow, my mother told me told me to set an early alarm or I would have to rush.

I told her not to worry because if I'm Russian, soviet.

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A wife was making breakfast for her husband when he ran into the kitchen with an alarmed expression

"TURN 'EM EGGS!! TURN'EM BEFORE THEY BURN!!!".

"GOOD LORD, WE ARE GOING TO NEED MORE BUTTER!!! GET IT! GET IT!!! DAMN THEY ARE GOING TO STICK!!!"

The wife looked at him with a puzzled expression and continued.

"HOLY SHIT! NOT SO MUCH SALT AND PEPPER!!! JUST A BIT!! YOU WILL RUIN...

Did you hear about the boy who ate his alarm clock?

Apparently it was really time consuming

This is the last time I have to be a slave to an alarm clock for a while.

I mean, it will be a whole other decade before I have to do it again

Save money on home security and alarm systems by flying flags of politically taboo groups on the front

The police will watch your house for free!

I installed a new home alarm system I've never felt safer

I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.


I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.


The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service...

What’s worse than waking up to pee 30 minutes before your alarm goes off?

Not waking up to pee.

A submarine is following its course, when the alarm goes off...

Everyone starts panicking, except for James. He is known for being the funniest among the recruits and he always lights up the mood, even in critical situations.

"What is going on?" he asks.

"We are about to crash, you imbecile! Go help Smith, quick!"

"Wanna hear a funny j...

Don't you hate it when you're trying to have a nap and there's an alarm blaring in the background?

I just had to smash my carbon monoxide alarm to bits, it was giving me a bloody headache.

The people around me were alarmed when I gulped down my glass of milk

Oh you're asking me where was I? I was in the sperm bank.

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Have you heard about the guys who's alarm prevented him from having sex in his dream?

He got clock-blocked

I once set an alarm to tell me when my milk would expire

Spoiler alert

Husband says'' Honey, it's me. I don't want to alarm you but

. . . I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They've checked me over and dome some tests and x-rays. The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately, it didn't cause any serious internal injury. However, I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the lef...

I set my alarm 30 minutes before I need to get up every morning

I need 10 minutes to snooze, 10 minutes to sit on the end of my bed hating life, and 10 minutes to convince myself to take the noose off.

When I was younger I used to sell home security alarms door to door.

I was always selling the most security alarms out of anyone else I worked with. "What's your secret?". If I went to call on a house and nobody was home, then I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

I have the ability to leave a building 5m before the fire alarm starts

I call it premature evacuation.

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Paddy is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home.

Every night after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mary, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Padd...

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My wife always complains I buy crappy Christmas gifts. So I got her a Tourette’s Alarm clock.

She is in for a rude awakening.

A few climate models are now predicting an unprecedented and alarming spike in temperatures — perhaps as much as 5 degrees Celsius

Now those must be some hot models.

I put your name on my alarm clock...

every time I wake up I get to smash you

A Southern Sheriff is driving down a secluded section of highway

when he sees what looks like a naked man peeing on a tree. He pulls over and walks up to the man and realizes he is tied to the tree.

The man smiles broadly and says,. "Oh thank God you showed up. You wouldn't believe the day I'm having. First my alarm clock didn't go off so I woke up late...

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

I ate five alarm chili last night...

...this morning I'm declaring a National Emergency at my southern border.

Imagine if you hit your alarm clock in the morning and it hit you right back

That would be truly alarming

I just got sulphurous acid in my eyes but I'm not alarmed.

And I'm certainly not going to see a doctor.

I went to an Apple Store and set up alarms on all of the phones. What is the name of the movie?

Lord of the rings

This guy had a problem of oversleeping. He was always late for work, and his boss was getting mad. So he went to the doctor and got some pills that were supposed to help. That night he slept well and woke up even before the alarm. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove happily to work.

"Boss," he said, "the pill the doctor gave me actually worked!"

"That's fine," said the boss, "but where were you yesterday?"

I have an ability that I can leave buildings 3m before the fire alarm goes off

But for some reason people call me pyromaniac

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On a cold and rainy night

On a cold and rainy night during the era when traveling salesmen still pedaled goods door to door, Gary , a young English wallpaper representative breaks down on an Irish county road .Luckily ,there is a farm house not far from the road .As he is an englishman in Ireland , he cautiously makes his wa...

There's a fire at the local chemical plant...

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long, it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around.

After fighting the fire for over an hour, the plant president approached the fire chief and said "All our secr...

Mice

A family of mice were out walking, and were suddenly surprised by a large cat. Father Mouse stood his ground, drew himself up to his full height, and shouted BOW-WOW-WOW!!! at the cat. The cat, alarmed, ran off.

The small mice were very impressed. “That was fantastic, Dad! How did you do that...

I was in the library today and I saw a sign on the emergency exit that said, "This door is alarmed"...

And I wondered, what startled it?

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What did Trump say when he hit the button on his alarm clock but it wouldn't stop beeping?

Fake snooze

I set my alarm clock password to me and my wife's wedding anniversary

Needless to say, I haven't slept in weeks.

I have recently changed the sound of my alarm clock to "Justin Bieber - Baby"

Now I wake up 5 minutes earlier every day, so I don't have to listen to it.

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