Hey, girl. Are you a fire alarm

Because you're annoying and wont shut up

For his birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that swears at him instead of beeping.

He’s in for a rude awakening.

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and i was really good at it.

If no one was home, i would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

How do you trip an alarm?

It doesn’t have any feet.

The guy who invented the alarm clock is my idol.

He’s the sole reason I wake up every day.

I seriously hope this hasn’t been done before.

The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming numbers...

Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.

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Certain japanse buildings had creaking floorboards which would alarm the guards if there were intruders.

That seems like a sound strategy to me.

Dear Humans,

You get mad at me when I work....You get mad at me when I don't work.

Sincerely,

Confused alarm clock.

I set Blur’s Parklife as my alarm, and it goes off every single day of the week...

Except for Wednesdays, when I’m rudely awakened by the dustman.

I use my cell phone as an alarm clock.

I call it Veriz'n shine..

Apparently my alarm clock is transparent

I slept right through it

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*Nsfw* The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

Math problem alarms

They are so easy i can do them in my sleep.

Our company got called in to a three alarm blaze at a local Salvation Army store today.

Thankfully no one was killed, but a couple people almost suffocated on secondhand smoke.

"Why is the alarm in the office going off, boss?" "It's a fire drill...

"You're all getting fired!"

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Damn girl, are you a fire alarm?

Cause you’re fucking loud and annoying.

My alarm system kept breaking down

The alarm system kept breaking down so, instead of repairing it I decided to get a guard dog instead.

I went to the pet store and the shopkeeper showed me a lot of breeds to choose from. A Rottweiler, a German Shepherd, A Doberman, but there was this one tiny little pug that caught my eye. I...

Why do Jedi hate alarm clocks?

Because of The Force Awakens.

The clinic where I had my recent testicular cancer exam called me and asked, “Did you get our email?” Rather alarmed, I exclaimed, “No! What should I do!?" They replied...

“You better check your junk.”

Why did the beaver need an alarm clock?

It was to dam early.

Fire

A guy goes to a house of prostitution. He selects a girl, pays her $200 up front, and he gets undressed. She's about to take off her sheer blue negligee, when the fire alarms rings!

She runs out of the room, with his $200 still in her hand. He quickly grabs his clothes and runs out after her...

I have an alarm in the mornimg

But it's to tell me to go to sleep.

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, but had not phoned in.

Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted by a child’s whispered, “Hello.”

“Is your Daddy home?” he asked.

“Yes,” whispered the small voice.

“May I talk with him?”

The child whispered, “No.”

Surprise...

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

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A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises.

The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?"

The man replies, " like a glove."

Today I realized my most enlightening appliance is my alarm clock.

Everytime it goes off, I get woke.

The alarm went off when he left the archaeological museum.

Leo, 89, now feels much older...

“Mom, don't get alarmed, but I’m at the hospital.”

“Son, please. You’ve been a surgeon there for 8 years now. Can we start our phone calls differently?”

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NSFW A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma..

A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma when she notices that the patients heart rate and breathing increase whenever she cleans the genital area. She gets the idea that oral sex might actually revive her. She calls the patient's husband over and explains that oral sex might revive her,...

My wife turns on the alarm even when we are all home enjoying a quiet spring evening.

I think she is unnecessarily alarmist.

An Israeli businessman accidentally sleeps through his alarm one morning.

Feeling the panic of waking up late, he throws on his suit as quickly as he can and rushes out the door to drive to work. As he begins the commute through the Tel Aviv rush hour traffic, he painfully watches the clock as his meeting starts without him.

Finally he pulls into his parking lot, ...

Wanna last longer in bed?

Forget to set an alarm

The Man and The Hospital

A man has been in hospital for a month.
One day, he's so sick and tired of being in hospital that he sneaks out and down to the nearest pub. He orders a beer and swallows the lot in ten seconds flat. He then orders a second beer and does the same. Then a third and a fourth.

As he orders ...

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Four married guys going diving. The following conversation took place...

First guy, "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out diving this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy, "That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy, "...

I was making a meal for a family dinner

But I accidentally burnt the food

When my family came to eat they said it was terrible

And I replied “At least the fire alarm thought it was fire”

A German, an Italian and a Chinese man arrive at a logging camp up north looking for work.

The boss sees the strapping young German and says, "you look strong and fit, here's a chainsaw, go join the fellers and help cut down some trees."
Next he looks at the Italian, a bit of a belly on him and looking well fed, and says, "You look like you know your way around the kitchen, go help in ...

I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm

Its loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel dizzy and sick.

I get really annoyed when I hear her moan after a very long night (NSFW)

I should really get a new alarm sound

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Girl, you remind me of an alarm clock...

...you were a good idea last night but now I just want you to shut the fuck up

The people around me were alarmed when I gulped down my glass of milk

Oh you're asking me where was I? I was in the sperm bank.

If Tom Cruise forget to set his alarm clock

He'd be Tom Snooze

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I were trying to have sex when the slow cooker set off the fire alarm.

I was crock blocked.

I asked my wife to set the alarm clock for six ...

She asked “why six? There‘s only the two of us here.”

(hat tip: Spike Milligan)

A submarine sounds the emergency alarm

“What is it? cries the captain.

“It’s the navigation, sir” replies the commander. “I can’t get our bearings! There don’t seem to be any continents in this region!”

And that’s why this sub went down. A lack of a regional continent.

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For many years he had a desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer..

Yossele Zelkovitz worked in a Jewish pickle factory.
For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist. After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead...

This is the last time I have to be a slave to an alarm clock for a while.

I mean, it will be a whole other decade before I have to do it again

So I bought a burglar alarm.

Now my burglar has no excuse to oversleep.

A blind man and his seeing eye dog enter a department store

In the middle of the household items aisle he suddenly stops, grabs his dog by the hind legs and swings him around above his head a couple of times.

Alarmed, the assistant manager comes running and exclaims "Sir! Sir! What are you doing?"

"Oh, just looking around", says the blind man

Today I divorced my alarmingly overweight wife.

I guess it just didn't work out.

A few climate models are now predicting an unprecedented and alarming spike in temperatures — perhaps as much as 5 degrees Celsius

Now those must be some hot models.

A man is being examined by his doctor.

He hears a voice down the hall, yelling.
"Polio! Diphtheria! Measles! Chicken pox!"
Alarmed, he asks his doctor what's going on.
"Don't worry," the doctor says. "That's just our head nurse. She likes to call the shots around here."

My Friend Have An Alarm Clock You Hit Powerfully And It Snoozes Longer

I Tried With Mine And It Work My Is On Snooze Permanently!

A mother ant and her daughter were out for a walk in their underground city.

They were having a lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One, with a sign reading *It's time to GO!,* spotted them and quickly approached.

"Excuse me ma'am, can you spare a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support our cause...

Save money on home security and alarm systems by flying flags of politically taboo groups on the front

The police will watch your house for free!

I went to an Apple Store and set up alarms on all of the phones. What is the name of the movie?

Lord of the rings

They say you should test your fire alarm once a month...

But it's costing me a fortune in houses!

Once there was an inflatable boy who lived in an inflatable house with his inflatable parents.

Every morning when the inflatable alarm rang, he would leap out of his inflatable bed and into the inflatable shower, then when he was dressed he would go and sit at the inflatable table in the kitchen to eat his inflatable breakfast, and then run off and catch the inflatable bus to his inflatable s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard about the guys who's alarm prevented him from having sex in his dream?

He got clock-blocked

Did you hear about the boy who ate his alarm clock?

Apparently it was really time consuming

If you miss the alarm for 4:20, wait for 4:22...

Because 4:22 is 4:20 too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An man was in the hospital for a series of tests... ... the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and paced frantically trying to think of a plan. Knowing his cute young nurse was about to come in the door at any moment, he hastily gathered up ...

What's the only thing that can ruin your perfect relationship with your crush?

The alarm clock

Don't you hate it when you're trying to have a nap and there's an alarm blaring in the background?

I just had to smash my carbon monoxide alarm to bits, it was giving me a bloody headache.

Not to be alarming but,

BEEP BEEP BEEP

A submarine is following its course, when the alarm goes off...

Everyone starts panicking, except for James. He is known for being the funniest among the recruits and he always lights up the mood, even in critical situations.

"What is going on?" he asks.

"We are about to crash, you imbecile! Go help Smith, quick!"

"Wanna hear a funny j...

I just disconnected my home alarm and left the neighborhood watch program.

I raised 2 Pakistani flags at each corner of the house and a black ISIS flag in the middle of the yard.
I have the FBI, NSA, MI6, MI5, RCMP, CSIS and a few other agencies watching the house 24/7.
I’ve never felt safer.

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A man's wife falls suddenly into a coma and is unresponsive

She is rushed to the hospital where she lies unresponsive for over five days. Her husband, red-eyed and distraught, refuses to sleep or leave her side. He reads to her, talks to her, entreats her, all to no avail.

Finally, in the middle of the sixth night, he reaches out in desperation and g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

family who saw mirror for the first time

a guy from a family which had no concept of a mirror one day found a mirror he looked into it and saw a good looking friendly man looking back at him, he took the mirror home and talked to his reflection all day everyday for a couple days his wife and mother got alarmed and one day decided to check...

I wish I knew how to turn off my carbon monoxide alarm....

It's been going off for about fifteen minutes and the noise is making really dizzy and lightheaded.

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Little Johny's mom dies and dad remarries

The stepmom is very loving and caring and always goes the extra mile to make Little Johny feel loved. One day the dad leaves town for a business trip. At night Little Johny has a nightmare and gets scared. So he goes upto his stepmom's room and enquires if he could sleep next to her, and she obliges...

On holiday in Moscow, my mother told me told me to set an early alarm or I would have to rush.

I told her not to worry because if I'm Russian, soviet.

I just got sulphurous acid in my eyes but I'm not alarmed.

And I'm certainly not going to see a doctor.

My psychology professor asked for an example of a "Pavlovian Response".

I said that thanks to my Mom's cooking, I salivate when I hear a smoke alarm.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife was making breakfast for her husband when he ran into the kitchen with an alarmed expression

"TURN 'EM EGGS!! TURN'EM BEFORE THEY BURN!!!".

"GOOD LORD, WE ARE GOING TO NEED MORE BUTTER!!! GET IT! GET IT!!! DAMN THEY ARE GOING TO STICK!!!"

The wife looked at him with a puzzled expression and continued.

"HOLY SHIT! NOT SO MUCH SALT AND PEPPER!!! JUST A BIT!! YOU WILL RUIN...

I set my alarm 30 minutes before I need to get up every morning

I need 10 minutes to snooze, 10 minutes to sit on the end of my bed hating life, and 10 minutes to convince myself to take the noose off.

Today at work we had a mock emergency evacuation

Today at work we had a mock emergency evacuation. Last time we did this we got out of the building in 43 seconds.

When the alarm went off today we all ran out, but I accidentally bumped a drill off one of the tables.

The supervisor said “We got 40 seconds so we have beaten our previo...

I ate five alarm chili last night...

...this morning I'm declaring a National Emergency at my southern border.

When I was younger I used to sell home security alarms door to door.

I was always selling the most security alarms out of anyone else I worked with. "What's your secret?". If I went to call on a house and nobody was home, then I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

What’s worse than waking up to pee 30 minutes before your alarm goes off?

Not waking up to pee.

Lost in translation

This joke is for anyone who has ever spent any time in Nigeria...

The lady of the house is having a dinner party and tells the steward (kitchen helper) “I’m going out shopping. Please chop all these vegetables for me by the time I get back.”

She gets back later that afternoon to find t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife always complains I buy crappy Christmas gifts. So I got her a Tourette’s Alarm clock.

She is in for a rude awakening.

I have the ability to leave a building 5m before the fire alarm starts

I call it premature evacuation.

There are 3 superheroes, The Fireball, Lady Aqua, and Tornado.

They all form a superhero trio, and try to stop villains from all over the world. They were all hanging at the SuperBase, when an emergency alarm went off.

The supervillain Master Garth is making their way to Paris, so that she can destroy the Eiffel Towel to be able to control all areas of E...

A horse walks into a bar.

The shocked bartender points a finger his way in alarm and yells, “Hey!”
The horse says, “You read my mind, buddy.”

I was in the library today and I saw a sign on the emergency exit that said, "This door is alarmed"...

And I wondered, what startled it?

Boy says goodbye instead of goodnight

So a boy and his family are praying, and after they finished praying, it’s their tradition to say goodnight, and go to sleep.

So the boy says, goodnight mama, goodnight papa, goodnight grandpa, goodbye grandma.

At the time, they didn’t really think much of it, and the boy didn’t even ...

This guy had a problem of oversleeping. He was always late for work, and his boss was getting mad. So he went to the doctor and got some pills that were supposed to help. That night he slept well and woke up even before the alarm. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove happily to work.

"Boss," he said, "the pill the doctor gave me actually worked!"

"That's fine," said the boss, "but where were you yesterday?"

I invented a SJW alarm clock.

It not only tells you the time, it reminds you what year it is, too.

My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm

Prostate exam

A man goes to his doctor for his prostate exam. The doctor gets his glove and starts doing his thing, when suddenly, he finds a £50 note! The doctor keeps searching and finds a large amount of notes and coins at different amounts. After he's sure he got everything out, he counts it all up.

...

Husband says'' Honey, it's me. I don't want to alarm you but

. . . I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They've checked me over and dome some tests and x-rays. The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately, it didn't cause any serious internal injury. However, I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the lef...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A student came late in the class and the teacher wants to know why.

"You know, I woke up as usual, got to my horse and went to school. But I don't know why, my horse suddenly died in the middle of the town square. I had to walk rest of the way and that's why I am late."

Teacher doesn't believe a single word, but there will be enough time to solve this proble...

I once set an alarm to tell me when my milk would expire

Spoiler alert

Imagine if you hit your alarm clock in the morning and it hit you right back

That would be truly alarming

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 kids were skateboarding down the street.

[Long]
One was called Shut Up, one called Manners and the third called Dog Shit.

It was dog shits turn on the skateboard but he fell off and broke his arm. So Shut up ran off to get some help.

He saw 2 police officers walking down the street and ran up to them. One of the officers...

I have an ability that I can leave buildings 3m before the fire alarm goes off

But for some reason people call me pyromaniac

The blind construction worker at my school accidentally pulled the fire alarm.

I don't think the fire alarm was a drill.

A husband and wife at the store realize they’re just a few dollars short to pay for the groceries.

So they decide to remove the bread from their cart. The wife notices no one is looking and shoves the bread in her purse. They pay for the groceries and as they walk out of the store the alarm goes off. Immediately the cops come and search only to find the stolen loaf of bread in the woman’s purse. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guys wife is in a coma. He goes in one day to see her and decides to sneakily grab a handful of boob. The alarms at the nurses desk go off. Doctors come in and tell him that more physical contact could wake her from the coma. They advise he should attempt oral sex to wake her up...

Minutes pass and the alarms go off again but the doctors discover that she’s now dead. They ask the man what happened?

“She choked”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So my wife bought one of those orgasm alarm clocks. After seeing how well it worked, I decided to go online and find the male version.

It's safe to say she wasn't to pleased when I was woken up with a bj from a prostitute.

GOT MY CONCEALED GUN PERMIT YESTERDAY

went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm for home protection.

When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instruct...

I put your name on my alarm clock...

every time I wake up I get to smash you

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The horse, the cow, and the chicken[LONG]

So a horse, a cow, and a chicken live on a farm. One day their owner goes on vacation but accidentally leaves the TV on. The animals peek in the window and witness a rock concert on the TV, theyre inspired.

So the horse calls up guitar center, and asks “hey I want to learn the guitar, but the...

I set my alarm clock password to me and my wife's wedding anniversary

Needless to say, I haven't slept in weeks.

I was preparing a bowl of cereal, finished 1 box of raisin bran and started another to fill my bowl. I was alarmed to see a different colored cereal;

Then I realized, they were different brans



this is a tru experience that just happened to me

My friend spent £50 on a baby alarm

... and still got pregnant.

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