I pulled the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm

The loud beeping was giving me a headache and made me dizzy

For her birthday, I got my wife an alarm clock that swears at her instead of ringing.

She’s in for a rude awakening.

"Why is the alarm in the office going off, boss?" "It's a fire drill...

"You're all getting fired!"

Today I realized my most enlightening appliance is my alarm clock.

Everytime it goes off, I get woke.

The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming figures

Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.

My alarm system kept breaking down

The alarm system kept breaking down so, instead of repairing it I decided to get a guard dog instead.

I went to the pet store and the shopkeeper showed me a lot of breeds to choose from. A Rottweiler, a German Shepherd, A Doberman, but there was this one tiny little pug that caught my eye. I...

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NSFW A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma..

A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma when she notices that the patients heart rate and breathing increase whenever she cleans the genital area. She gets the idea that oral sex might actually revive her. She calls the patient's husband over and explains that oral sex might revive her,...

Why do Jedi hate alarm clocks?

Because of The Force Awakens.

The clinic where I had my recent testicular cancer exam called me and asked, “Did you get our email?” Rather alarmed, I exclaimed, “No! What should I do!?" They replied...

“You better check your junk.”

The alarm went off when he left the archaeological museum.

Leo, 89, now feels much older...

I have an alarm in the mornimg

But it's to tell me to go to sleep.

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Damn girl, are you a fire alarm?

Cause you’re fucking loud and annoying.

An alarm clock is a time machine.

You set it and wake up in the future!

My wife turns on the alarm even when we are all home enjoying a quiet spring evening.

I think she is unnecessarily alarmist.

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What do you call an alarm clock that doesn't have a snooze button?

A toddler

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A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises.

The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?"

The man replies, " like a glove."

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

An Israeli businessman accidentally sleeps through his alarm one morning.

Feeling the panic of waking up late, he throws on his suit as quickly as he can and rushes out the door to drive to work. As he begins the commute through the Tel Aviv rush hour traffic, he painfully watches the clock as his meeting starts without him.

Finally he pulls into his parking lot, ...

“Mom, don't get alarmed, but I’m at the hospital.”

“Son, please. You’ve been a surgeon there for 8 years now. Can we start our phone calls differently?”

A mother ant and her daughter were out for a walk in their underground city.

They were having a lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One, with a sign reading *It's time to GO!,* spotted them and quickly approached.

"Excuse me ma'am, can you spare a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support our cause...

A horse walks into a bar.

The shocked bartender points a finger his way in alarm and yells, “Hey!”
The horse says, “You read my mind, buddy.”

My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm

A submarine sounds the emergency alarm

“What is it? cries the captain.

“It’s the navigation, sir” replies the commander. “I can’t get our bearings! There don’t seem to be any continents in this region!”

And that’s why this sub went down. A lack of a regional continent.

My gas alarm kept going off

It was giving me a headache and making me feel nauseous so I turned it off.

I asked my wife to set the alarm clock for six ...

She asked “why six? There‘s only the two of us here.”

(hat tip: Spike Milligan)

So I bought a burglar alarm.

Now my burglar has no excuse to oversleep.

This is the last time I have to be a slave to an alarm clock for a while.

I mean, it will be a whole other decade before I have to do it again

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There’s a diminutive, mousy-looking elderly man in a pub, quietly staring into his glass.

He has sad, sad eyes and a generally upset demeanor.

The door of the pub is slammed open and a lorry driver charges in. He roars up to the bar counter, orders four pints of the strongest beer the bartender has, and drops heavily down upon one of the bar stools.

As he drains his beers, ...

If Tom Cruise forget to set his alarm clock

He'd be Tom Snooze

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My wife and I were trying to have sex when the slow cooker set off the fire alarm.

I was crock blocked.

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A student came late in the class and the teacher wants to know why.

"You know, I woke up as usual, got to my horse and went to school. But I don't know why, my horse suddenly died in the middle of the town square. I had to walk rest of the way and that's why I am late."

Teacher doesn't believe a single word, but there will be enough time to solve this proble...

John, Bob, Tim, and Scott rob a bank.

John is the getaway driver who waits in the lot. Bob disables the alarms, Tim unlocks the safe, and Scott is able to locate the marked bills. Bob and Tim leave the bank and John drives them away.

They got off Scott-free.

GOT MY CONCEALED GUN PERMIT YESTERDAY

went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm for home protection.

When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instruct...

Today I divorced my alarmingly overweight wife.

I guess it just didn't work out.

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Have you heard about the guys who's alarm prevented him from having sex in his dream?

He got clock-blocked

I went to an Apple Store and set up alarms on all of the phones. What is the name of the movie?

Lord of the rings

Save money on home security and alarm systems by flying flags of politically taboo groups on the front

The police will watch your house for free!

How did the police officer find out?

A group of 4 friends were driving home one night through the country road near their home after a late night of partying and debauchery. As they drove through the twisty, poorly lit roads they struck a pig that had escaped its pasture.

Although the pig ran off seemingly with just a limp, the...

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2 guys are on a flight from London to Tokyo...

It’s about half way through their flight and the 2 guys hear a bang from outside the plane.

The pilot: Sorry folks, one of our engines has gone out, we still have 3 engines left so all is good, we just have to fly a little slower now so the flight will be half an hour longer.

*10 minut...

Did you hear about the boy who ate his alarm clock?

Apparently it was really time consuming

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The horse, the cow, and the chicken[LONG]

So a horse, a cow, and a chicken live on a farm. One day their owner goes on vacation but accidentally leaves the TV on. The animals peek in the window and witness a rock concert on the TV, theyre inspired.

So the horse calls up guitar center, and asks “hey I want to learn the guitar, but the...

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A man was released from prison after a 40-year sentence.

After he checked into his economy hotel, he called an escort service and told them he wanted 2 of their best girls. He immediately went down to the pharmacy and asked for a bottle of Viagra and the pharmacist told him to only take one pill. To the pharmacist's dismay, he immediately opened the bottl...

A woman is urgently rushed to hospital by her brother to give birth to twins.

In the hospital, she gives birth to a boy and a girl. She loses consciousness shortly after.


A few hours later, she wakes up with a doctor standing over her. She asks "Where are my children?"


The doctor replies "They're in the next room with your brother. He said you wouldn't m...

Not to be alarming but,

BEEP BEEP BEEP

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Girl, you remind me of an alarm clock...

...you were a good idea last night but now I just want you to shut the fuck up

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I see there's a popular trend of translating foreign jokes in the sub, so here's a one from Hebrew.

What do you call 10 Moroccan Jews on a roof top?

An alarm system.

I just disconnected my home alarm and left the neighborhood watch program.

I raised 2 Pakistani flags at each corner of the house and a black ISIS flag in the middle of the yard.
I have the FBI, NSA, MI6, MI5, RCMP, CSIS and a few other agencies watching the house 24/7.
I’ve never felt safer.

A German spy infiltrated a British navy ship.

The captain, unknowingly, strikes up a conversation with the chap at dinner:

Captain: "These Germans think they're so smart, but they're no match for the British Navy. Do you actually believe they've sent any spies here?"

Spy: "Uhh, Nein, of course"

Captain: "Nine spies!? Bl...

Coo, it's dark in here.

A man is busy banging a woman in bed, when the front door slams shut. Alarmed the woman says "Quick get in the cupboard".

So the man runs into the cupboard and shuts the door. Standing in the dark a voice goes " Coo it's dark in here" jumping the man looks around and in the darkness he can m...

Why some of us might drink.....

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
" Hello ?"


Is your daddy home?" he asked
" Yes ,"
<...

Don't you hate it when you're trying to have a nap and there's an alarm blaring in the background?

I just had to smash my carbon monoxide alarm to bits, it was giving me a bloody headache.

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A man goes to visit his wife who is in a coma.

One of the nurses pulls him aside and tells him that she's heard that occasionally oral sex will cause the person in a coma to wake up. The stimulation could literally jar the person awake. With a sly wink she leaves the hubby alone with his wife. A few minutes later alarm bells are ringing and he's...

A submarine is following its course, when the alarm goes off...

Everyone starts panicking, except for James. He is known for being the funniest among the recruits and he always lights up the mood, even in critical situations.

"What is going on?" he asks.

"We are about to crash, you imbecile! Go help Smith, quick!"

"Wanna hear a funny j...

My parents' Christmas gift for me.

When Christmas day arrived, I was so excited to open my gifts that I woke up before my alarm. I went down stairs and opened a thin, rectangular box. It was a book! The title read, Anti-gravity. I read that book the whole day as I couldn't put it down.

This is a joke someone told me called the penguin story

A penguin is driving down the road when he hears a weird sound coming from his car so he starts looking around for a mechanic shop. Eventually he finds one and pulls his car in to the parking lot. He goes to the lobby where the mechanic is. The mechanic looks at the penguin and says “Mr. penguin wha...

A farmer had an argument with his wife

and she brought her mother to live with them. After 3 weeks of nagging, the mother in law went out one morning to the barn to the donkey stall. She was picking up the straw, and saw a spider. She shrieked, and the alarmed donkey kicked her in the head and killed her.

All the farmer's neighbou...

If you miss the alarm for 4:20, wait for 4:22...

Because 4:22 is 4:20 too.

I just got sulphurous acid in my eyes but I'm not alarmed.

And I'm certainly not going to see a doctor.

They say you should test your fire alarm once a month...

But it's costing me a fortune in houses!

On holiday in Moscow, my mother told me told me to set an early alarm or I would have to rush.

I told her not to worry because if I'm Russian, soviet.

I was in the library today and I saw a sign on the emergency exit that said, "This door is alarmed"...

And I wondered, what startled it?

I ate five alarm chili last night...

...this morning I'm declaring a National Emergency at my southern border.

I wish I knew how to turn off my carbon monoxide alarm....

It's been going off for about fifteen minutes and the noise is making really dizzy and lightheaded.

I set my alarm 30 minutes before I need to get up every morning

I need 10 minutes to snooze, 10 minutes to sit on the end of my bed hating life, and 10 minutes to convince myself to take the noose off.

This guy had a problem of oversleeping. He was always late for work, and his boss was getting mad. So he went to the doctor and got some pills that were supposed to help. That night he slept well and woke up even before the alarm. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove happily to work.

"Boss," he said, "the pill the doctor gave me actually worked!"

"That's fine," said the boss, "but where were you yesterday?"

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My wife always complains I buy crappy Christmas gifts. So I got her a Tourette’s Alarm clock.

She is in for a rude awakening.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Harold is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home.

Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversat...

A man working at a plane manufacturer goes to his supervisor with a problem

“Sir, I think someone here isn’t attaching the wings. I’ve seen several planes with only one wing,” the man tells his supervisor. “I think it might be Joe.”

His supervisor looks alarmed and replies, “Well that won’t fly!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex after surgery

A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation. "You'll be fine," he said. She asked ... “How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?" The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl. "Wha...

What’s worse than waking up to pee 30 minutes before your alarm goes off?

Not waking up to pee.

I have the ability to leave a building 5m before the fire alarm starts

I call it premature evacuation.

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A wife was making breakfast for her husband when he ran into the kitchen with an alarmed expression

"TURN 'EM EGGS!! TURN'EM BEFORE THEY BURN!!!".

"GOOD LORD, WE ARE GOING TO NEED MORE BUTTER!!! GET IT! GET IT!!! DAMN THEY ARE GOING TO STICK!!!"

The wife looked at him with a puzzled expression and continued.

"HOLY SHIT! NOT SO MUCH SALT AND PEPPER!!! JUST A BIT!! YOU WILL RUIN...

When I was younger I used to sell home security alarms door to door.

I was always selling the most security alarms out of anyone else I worked with. "What's your secret?". If I went to call on a house and nobody was home, then I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

A man is sitting at a bar, staring at his drink

A man is sitting at a bar, staring at his drink, not moving. After about 20 minutes of this another man notices and walks over and grabs the drink from the man and gulps it down. He sets the glass down and looks at the man he just stole from, waiting for a reaction. The man who had his drink stolen ...

A time traveler comes back from the year 2045

I encountered a time traveler today. During my self isolation he came to the door dressed in a hazmat suit. I was of course alarmed when I opened the door to such a site. He quickly explained who he was and asked if he could have just a few minutes of my time. I didn't believe anything he was sa...

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A guy moves into a new apartment building...

He decides to host a party to get to know his neighbours. Being the sort of person who liked to do things a little differently he throws a costume party but with a unique theme. Every guest must turn up dressed up as an emotion.

The big night finally arrives and our host is feeling nervous. W...

Imagine if you hit your alarm clock in the morning and it hit you right back

That would be truly alarming

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My Wife is missing.

Husband:

My wife is missing.

She went out yesterday and has not come home...



Sergeant at Police Station:

What is her height?



Husband:

Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.



Sergeant:

Weight?



Husb...

Husband says'' Honey, it's me. I don't want to alarm you but

. . . I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They've checked me over and dome some tests and x-rays. The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately, it didn't cause any serious internal injury. However, I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the lef...

I have an ability that I can leave buildings 3m before the fire alarm goes off

But for some reason people call me pyromaniac

I once set an alarm to tell me when my milk would expire

Spoiler alert

I invented a SJW alarm clock.

It not only tells you the time, it reminds you what year it is, too.

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Fishing

Four married blokes go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First bloke: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.'

Second bloke: 'That is n...

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So my wife bought one of those orgasm alarm clocks. After seeing how well it worked, I decided to go online and find the male version.

It's safe to say she wasn't to pleased when I was woken up with a bj from a prostitute.

15 Things To Do At Walmart

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/...

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A guys wife is in a coma. He goes in one day to see her and decides to sneakily grab a handful of boob. The alarms at the nurses desk go off. Doctors come in and tell him that more physical contact could wake her from the coma. They advise he should attempt oral sex to wake her up...

Minutes pass and the alarms go off again but the doctors discover that she’s now dead. They ask the man what happened?

“She choked”

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Two Priests and Two Nuns have dinner with His Holiness, the Pope.

Two priests are fishing on lake outside of Rome. It's a beautiful day, the sun is light, and the water is smooth. Suddenly the first priests fishing rod bends alarmingly; he has hooked a huge fish! It's a struggle but he managed to reel it in. It's a beautiful rainbow coloured fish and big enough to...

Chemical Plant Fire

One dark night outside a small town a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of ou...

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A woman from the Women's Institutes goes to her Doctor...

A woman from the Women's Institute goes to her Doctor with an embarrasing problem, every time she delivers a speech to the women of the WI she farts constantly all the way through.

The Doctor says, "I would like you to demonstrate your problem for me by reading aloud your latest speech to me ...

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A woman was in a coma,

and she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognisable movement.

The...

I set my alarm clock password to me and my wife's wedding anniversary

Needless to say, I haven't slept in weeks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard about the possible outbreak of the Coronavirus in the Amish community?

It was a false alarm, No fever, but people did get a little hoarse and buggy.

My friend spent £50 on a baby alarm

... and still got pregnant.

Just walked past a sign that read, "This fire door is alarmed"...

So I give it a little rub and told it everything is going to be ok.

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

I put your name on my alarm clock...

every time I wake up I get to smash you

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Trump say when he hit the button on his alarm clock but it wouldn't stop beeping?

Fake snooze

A man got up one morning and couldn't find his alarm clock, so he asked his wife what had become of it.

She said, "It went off at 6 o'clock.

My carbon monoxide alarm went off in the middle of the night

It gave me a really bad headache, so I had to turn it off.

What is the worst kind of alarm clock?

The rumble strips.

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