I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm

Its loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel dizzy and sick.

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

If Tom Cruise forget to set his alarm clock

He'd be Tom Snooze

My Friend Have An Alarm Clock You Hit Powerfully And It Snoozes Longer

I Tried With Mine And It Work My Is On Snooze Permanently!

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My wife and I were trying to have sex when the slow cooker set off the fire alarm.

I was crock blocked.

A submarine is following its course, when the alarm goes off...

Everyone starts panicking, except for James. He is known for being the funniest among the recruits and he always lights up the mood, even in critical situations.

"What is going on?" he asks.

"We are about to crash, you imbecile! Go help Smith, quick!"

"Wanna hear a funny j...

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook,

but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

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Hey girl, are you a fire alarm?

Because shut the fuck up.

This guy had a problem of oversleeping. He was always late for work, and his boss was getting mad. So he went to the doctor and got some pills that were supposed to help. That night he slept well and woke up even before the alarm. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove happily to work.

"Boss," he said, "the pill the doctor gave me actually worked!"

"That's fine," said the boss, "but where were you yesterday?"

I ate five alarm chili last night...

...this morning I'm declaring a National Emergency at my southern border.

Did you hear about the boy who ate his alarm clock?

Apparently it was really time consuming

Don't you hate it when you're trying to have a nap and there's an alarm blaring in the background?

I just had to smash my carbon monoxide alarm to bits, it was giving me a bloody headache.

I set my alarm 30 minutes before I need to get up every morning

I need 10 minutes to snooze, 10 minutes to sit on the end of my bed hating life, and 10 minutes to convince myself to take the noose off.

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My wife always complains I buy crappy Christmas gifts. So I got her a Tourette’s Alarm clock.

She is in for a rude awakening.

The blind construction worker at my school accidentally pulled the fire alarm.

I don't think the fire alarm was a drill.

On holiday in Moscow, my mother told me told me to set an early alarm or I would have to rush.

I told her not to worry because if I'm Russian, soviet.

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Damn girl are you a smoke alarm?

Because you're really fucking loud and annoying.

I have the ability to leave a building 5m before the fire alarm starts

I call it premature evacuation.

If you miss the alarm for 4:20, wait for 4:22...

Because 4:22 is 4:20 too.

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Hey gurl, are you an alarm clock?

Cos your annoying and won’t shut the fuck up

I have an ability that I can leave buildings 3m before the fire alarm goes off

But for some reason people call me pyromaniac

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Babe, are you a car alarm?

Because you're loud, annoying as fuck and I accidentally turn you on.

What’s worse than waking up to pee 30 minutes before your alarm goes off?

Not waking up to pee.

I wish I knew how to turn off my carbon monoxide alarm....

It's been going off for about fifteen minutes and the noise is making really dizzy and lightheaded.

Imagine if you hit your alarm clock in the morning and it hit you right back

That would be truly alarming

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So my wife bought one of those orgasm alarm clocks. After seeing how well it worked, I decided to go online and find the male version.

It's safe to say she wasn't to pleased when I was woken up with a bj from a prostitute.

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Girl, you remind me of an alarm clock...

...you were a good idea last night but now I just want you to shut the fuck up

They say you should test your fire alarm once a month...

But it's costing me a fortune in houses!

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A guys wife is in a coma. He goes in one day to see her and decides to sneakily grab a handful of boob. The alarms at the nurses desk go off. Doctors come in and tell him that more physical contact could wake her from the coma. They advise he should attempt oral sex to wake her up...

Minutes pass and the alarms go off again but the doctors discover that she’s now dead. They ask the man what happened?

“She choked”

Husband says'' Honey, it's me. I don't want to alarm you but

. . . I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They've checked me over and dome some tests and x-rays. The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately, it didn't cause any serious internal injury. However, I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the lef...

I set my alarm clock password to me and my wife's wedding anniversary

Needless to say, I haven't slept in weeks.

I once set an alarm to tell me when my milk would expire

Spoiler alert

My friend spent £50 on a baby alarm

... and still got pregnant.

You're the only reason I get out of bed in the morning. I only go to work and become a better person because of you. You make me workout on weekends and get in shape. And I try to turn you on every night.

I love you, alarm clock.

When I was younger I used to sell home security alarms door to door.

I was always selling the most security alarms out of anyone else I worked with. "What's your secret?". If I went to call on a house and nobody was home, then I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

I invented a SJW alarm clock.

It not only tells you the time, it reminds you what year it is, too.

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What did Trump say when he hit the button on his alarm clock but it wouldn't stop beeping?

Fake snooze

A man got up one morning and couldn't find his alarm clock, so he asked his wife what had become of it.

She said, "It went off at 6 o'clock.

What do you call an alarm that's been muted?

Clock blocked

What is the worst kind of alarm clock?

The rumble strips.

Damn girl, are you a fire alarm?

'cause when you're in my bedroom I feel safe and secure.

My carbon monoxide alarm went off in the middle of the night

It gave me a really bad headache, so I had to turn it off.

I put your name on my alarm clock...

every time I wake up I get to smash you

ENGLISH IS A FUNNY LANGUAGE

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant not ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English fo...

I installed a new home alarm system I've never felt safer

I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.


I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.


The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service...

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.

So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm.

Got up in the middle of the night, and couldn't find my alarm clock

Checked the time on my cell phone, it was 4:04. Made sense.

What is the difference between a baby and a alarm clock?

You only have to hit the alarm clock once to make it be quiet...

A guy goes to his doctor for elbow pain...

The doctor gives him a specimen cup and requests a urine sample. “But doc, I’ve got elbow pain, why do you need a urine sample?”
Doc assures him,”we have the latest in technology, just go to the men’s room and give me a sample”, which he does. The doctor pours it in the top of a complex analysis ...

[LPT] Choose the song you hate the most as your alarm tone and place your phone as far as possible

Then turn your phone off and sleep like a champion.

I have recently changed the sound of my alarm clock to "Justin Bieber - Baby"

Now I wake up 5 minutes earlier every day, so I don't have to listen to it.

why do police always have star wars alarm clocks?

for when the force awakens

My alarm clock isn't in a good mood...

It just went off on me

I slept through the alarm this morning

Luckily it wasn't a big fire

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A reddit admin awoke to the sound of a beeping alarm clock

but pressed the snoo's button and went back to sleep

Did you hear the joke about the alarm?

No?

It doesn't ring a bell?

Disabled people have earned the word “special.” Special needs, special school and special requirements...

So it always alarms me when I hear special forces going to war!

How does a blonde set the time on her alarm clock?

She waits until midnight and plugs it back in.

Disclaimer: I know it's terrible, I was very young when I came up with it.

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Four friends meet for their morning tee time,

they step onto the first tee box and rip their drives down the middle. As they are walking towards their balls the 1st Golfer says, "You guys don't realize how much this round of golf is costing me! I've had to let my mother-in-law stay over for a month!"
The 2nd Golfer says, "I've had to buy my...

A magician is doing well with his shows on a cruise ship until the Captain buys a parrot as the ships mascot.

From then on every night the magician does any of his tricks the parrot squawks out "He's got a card up his sleeve" or "he had the dove in his pocket" or "there were two pieces of string". Every night the parrot ruins his shows. One night the ship collides with something and all the alarms go off. L...

The watchman

Passing an office building late one night, the blonde saw a sign that read, "Press bell for night watchman." She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.

The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, ...

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

I left 10 minutes before the fire alarm went off..

I now suffer from premature evacuation.

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Did you hear about the woman in a coma?

Day 1. So there's a woman in hospital in a coma, the nurse is giving her the daily flannel wash. She cleans the lady down as per usual until she got to her lady parts, she notices the woman's finger twitch as she cleans.

Day 2. The nurse is giving the lady in coma her wash again when a simila...

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A woman was in a coma

and she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognisable movement.

They w...

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .

In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the...

The wife wanted me to last longer in bed...

So I turned the alarm clock off

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A woman is in a car crash and is in a coma in hospital

Days, then weeks, then months go by with no sign of life or improvement. They were at a loss and running out of ideas.

One day a nurse was in the room changing the lady's bedding and accidentally touched the woman's thigh. The nurse noticed that the woman's eyes flickered very slightly, so sh...

Absolutely true story that is not fake

In school, I had a friend named Michael Locke. Every day, me and Michael would meet up at the bus stop and ride the school bus together.

Now, one day in sixth grade I slept over at Michael's house, and I had packed a small alarm clock to wake me up in the morning, because I was a *very* heav...

One morning at a doctor's clinic a patient arrives complaining of serious back pain.

The doctor examines him and asks him:

"Tell me what happened to your back...?"



The patient replies: "Sir, I work for a local night club. This morning I went to my apartment early and heard some noise in my bed room.

On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and th...

A horse walks into a bar.

The shocked bartender points a finger his way in alarm and yells, “Hey!”


The horse says, “You read my mind, buddy.”

A German officer watches over his outpost during the Great War.

He's polishing his handgun when one of his soldiers below sounds the alarm. Down he rushes, gun in hand, to see a battle going on between his men and the British. He joins his men, and the fight seems to go on for hours. The gunfire only stops when out of the sky comes an artillery shell, destroying...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On set, Bruce Willis suddenly feel a strong pain coming from his heart.

Without a doubt, the director cuts the scene and Bruce is rushed to the ER. Since the movie studio doesn't want to endanger their movie star they tell the hospital staff to spare no expenses and after multiple tests and scans a doctor walks into the room where Bruce is laying. He tells Bruce he has ...

I was at my school disco..

Walking across the hall to get a drink. One of my classmates came up to me and said ‘dude, your shoes are on smoking hot!’

I gave them a smile and kept walking to get a drink. Another classmate then approached me and said ‘hey bro, you’re on fire tonight!’

I gave them a wink and some ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 Old-timers Were Discussing Problems of Old Age

The first one had urinary problems and said “It’s really terrible because I’m always
having to get up in the middle of the night to pee..and then other nights I need to pee
but nothing comes out. I’d give anything to just be able to pee normally.”

The second guy had elimination issues....

Yesterday I got my permit to carry a concealed weapon.

So, today I went over to the local Gun shop to get a Colt 9mm handgun for home/personal protection.

When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the government about gun control wackos running amok...

I live in constant fear

I live in constant fear that one day while I’m least suspecting it someone might break in to burglarize and kill my mother-in-law, who lives at 375 Woodland Ave in the light blue house, only one dog who is friendly and no alarm set, always leaves the kitchen window unlocked and without screen, sleep...

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