I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
Almost every day I hear car alarms going off around the city...
But never in my life have I seen a car wake up
Fire alarms should just play Nickelback
Anyone who stays in the building deserves what they get.
Math problem alarms
They are so easy i can do them in my sleep.
When I was younger I used to sell home security alarms door to door.
I was always selling the most security alarms out of anyone else I worked with. "What's your secret?". If I went to call on a house and nobody was home, then I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
I installed those deer alarms on my car that are supposed to scare the deer before you hit them...
Unfortunately I put them in backwards. I got home and there was 25 deer following me.
I went to an Apple Store and set up alarms on all of the phones. What is the name of the movie?
Lord of the rings
A submarine is following its course, when the alarm goes off...
Everyone starts panicking, except for James. He is known for being the funniest among the recruits and he always lights up the mood, even in critical situations.
"What is going on?" he asks.
"We are about to crash, you imbecile! Go help Smith, quick!"
"Wanna hear a funny j...
Putin steps away from the war room to use the restroom...
As he sits he hears alarms and red flashes fill the bunker. He hears his men running around and without hesitation he jumps up, pulls up his pants and runs our to see what the commotion is.
He asks the next in command the situation: "ICBM Mr President!"
Putin replies "I WAS IN A HURR...
How does Thom Yorke wake up on a weekend that doesn’t happen to coincide with his birthday?
With no alarms and no surprises
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