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My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see? He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they're TWINS ! I had never met them before, apparently they live at the uni and were visiting.

Anyway, so I went up to my friend's room, “How are you mate?”

“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my socks from downstairs. My feet are freezing.” he tells me.

So I rushed downstairs and found his two sisters perched up on the couch, right where his socks lay.

I sa...

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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?"The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?"The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt...

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Apparently someone in London is stabbed every 58 seconds.

Poor bastard.

Apparently adding herbs to your garbage can makes it smell better.

But I don't have thyme for that rubbish.

Apparently, astronauts grow up to two inches in space.

I never knew they were so minute.

I thought I fixed my pants, but apparently the stitching fell out...

Or sew it seams.

In Iran, everyone is terrified of spiders, but apparently..

In Iraq no phobia..

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Today I realized that my wife apparently has the same approach to egg nog as to sex…

No “egg nog” before Thanksgiving (marriage), lots of “egg nog” for about a month and a half, and no “egg nog” after Christmas!

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Insects are apparently the superfood of the future. I tried eating caterpillars but it made me too nervous.

Gave me butterflies in my stomach.

I couldn’t find the thingy that peels potatoes and carrots, so I asked my kids if they'd seen it. Apparently...

She left me two days ago...

My friend said that, apparently, you cant make a sentence without the letter 'a'...

I don't know if they're right. Do you guys know if its true? I'm honestly kind of lost on this one...

I wanted to run for president of China, but apparently I'm not allowed to.

At least, that's what Xi said...

My fried just got engaged to her boyfriend, Peter, and was gushing about how in love she is. Obviously the first thing out of my mouth was "oh, so you're a massive Peterphile!" Apparently that was "inappropriate" and now she's annoyed with me.

This is actually a true story, so hope it's okay that it's not in a standard joke format.

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Apparently there's a sperm shortage in the UK

Probably because all the wankers have gone to the petrol station

Apparently it took Thomas Edison 1000 attempts to make the lightbulb.

Damn, he would have gone through some dark times.

What’s the toughest thing about being a vegan?

Apparently, keeping it to yourself.

Apparently, due to COVID Germany is running low on sausage and cheese.

The government considers this to be the Wurst Käse scenario

Police are asking for help in solving a recent string of burglaries. The perpetrator, apparently suffering from IBS, does #2 on the kitchen floor before escaping.

So far they have no firm leads.

Apparently, they once sat William Shakespeare in front of an infinite number of typewriters.

After a week, he had written "ooh aahh ooh ooh"

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There’s apparently an optimal temperature for sex

Usually its too hot or too cold though, it never seems to be the right fucking temperature

Apparently Tucker Carlson is starting a new band

Rage sponsored by the machine

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My wife just caught me blow drying my penis and asked what I was doing.

Apparently "heating up your dinner" is NOT the correct answer

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In every friend group, apparently 1 out of 10 people are gay.

I hope it's Tyler, he's super cute.

Apparently most people lean slightly forward when they nod their head.

Must say, I'm inclined to agree.

Apparently most people in The Vatican make their purchases online

Makes sense. I mean, they are a PayPal state

The young alien didn't understand why we call them "dad jokes" ...

Until one day it became apparent

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Apparently the man was smothered to death between a pair of breasts.

There was no sign of a struggle.

Apparently, I spend too much time on reddit

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.
 

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so he m...

Apparently I have boundary issues

Or at least that’s what it says in my neighbour’s diary

I was gambling with a farmer last week and apparently had a really good hand, so good to the point that he bet his livelihood, all 397 of his cattle.

He really raised the steaks

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

Apparently an invisible man is going to break into my house today

I just don't see that coming

Apparently, people in Dubai don’t believe in the Flintstones.

But Abu Dhabi do!

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

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Wow, that's possible?

Apparently a man in Australia, who was so drunk that he was kicked out of the bar,
decided to go to a local zoo where he climbed into the enclosure of a
5m saltwater crocodile and tried to ride it.

It almost defies belief.

I mean, how fucking drunk would you have to be to get kic...

How many guitarists does it take to play Wonderwall?

Apparently, all of them.

Apparently I execute commands badly....

Wife sent me to the supermarket with a simple request:
#
Go to the supermarket and buy a loaf of bread
#
If they have eggs get a dozen.
#
Came home with 12 loafs of bread,
#
Still don’t get why she’s mad?

When does a bad joke become a dad joke?

When it becomes apparent.

Apparently, there's a necrophiliac on the loose.

Look alive, people!

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My wife and I were arguing earlier and she brought up my apparent “lack of direction”.

“Where the fuck did that come from?!” I said.

Apparently you can’t use ‘beefstew’ as a password

It’s not stroganoff.

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese

... and there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

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Apparently, Bible says that proper punishment for adultery is to be stoned

That's why I always smoke weed after having sex with my girlfriend

Did you boys ever hear of the planet where the inhabitants were mobile flowers?

Remarkably similar to Earthly blossoms, but they had feet and human intelligence.

The whole planet was ruled by a king called Richard the Artichoke-Heart, and one day at a court orgy his eye was caught by Fuchsia, a pale-eyed perennial. Her beauty was so great it almost made up for her stupi...

The worst thing about this pandemic is all the restaurants apparently using lower quality ingredients to save money.

I'll keep eating out every day, but I haven't been able to taste anything for weeks.

"apparently your name spelt backwards is how you'll die"

**Lana:** oh no

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Apparently women really care about belly buttons

I told this girl I had an outtie and her eyes lit up

Police say a Maryland man stole $369 worth of erectile dysfunction and insomnia meds from a pharmacy

Apparently he wanted to stay up but not stay up.

Apparently, it is rude to poke somebody in the forehead

and say "skip intro" when they start talking to you ....

So I was kicked out of AA the other day...

Apparently saying "you miss 100% of the shots you don't take" wasn't appropriate.

An emaciated man was found dead in his bathtub.

The apparent cause of death was starvation. Oddly, he still had enough food in his fridge, and no apparent mobility problems that would prevent him from getting to it. His relatives did not know of any mental problems either.

The best investigator in the city was called to the scene. She take...

There's a medicine you can buy that apparently cures scepticism.

But I'm not buying it.

So Kim Jong Un is apparently in a coma...

...Which is weird, because I thought his dad was the Il one.

It recently became apparent to me,

that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on a keyboard.

This is why I'll never be ending an e-mail with the phrase "Regards" ever again.

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So a man was sued for libel and slander...

The judge asked, "What's the defendant accused of saying?"

The plaintiff's attorney replied, "He called my client an, and I quote, 'incompetent motherfucker', your honor."

The judge nodded, "And what does the defense plea?"

The defendant's attorney rose, "Not guilty as charged, ...

Apparently, France still leads the US in total executions performed.

However, I don't think that's a fair comparison as France got a head start.

Police found a man dead, hanging from the rafters, in an apparent suicide.

Inside the pocket of his trousers was a note explaining the reasoning behind his suicide. The note explained that he lead a straight edge life style and that he was suffering from PTSD for three months, ever since his friends forced him to smoke weed with them.

He was unable to handle the st...

Did you hear about the Midwestern dairy farmers? Apparently they've begun a new trend of covering their cows' teets with fabric because they felt like their heifers were indecent.

It's Being Called An Udder Shame.

Apparently, drinking a pint of beer shortens your lifespan by nine minutes.

According to my calculations I died some time in 1829.

I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn't actually mine

Apparently I need to pay more attention during school pick-up.

Apparently there are two rules to win in life...

1. Never be poor.
2. Never be ugly.

Well, the joke's on me.

Today I told an eye joke,

Apparently nobody had ever heard a cornea joke before

I couldn't join the KKK, apparently my bloodline isn't pure enough

Turns out, my parents weren't even related.

Frankenstiens divorce

Idk if you guys have heard the news, but Frankenstien is getting a divorce,.... apparently he couldn't take Mrs franenstiens moaning anymore,

He's said what tipped him over the edge was when they was having a Halloween get together with all the other monsters and Mrs frankenstien had set the...

Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain...

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support...

Apparently there’s a beef shortage on the rise.

Good news is fast food restaurants shouldn’t be affected.

Apparently "I'm sorry" and "My bad" are same thing

unless you're at a funeral

[Demetri martin]

Last week I found out what my Zodiac was

Apparently I'm a Cancer. I was devestated at first, because I was hoping to get Capricorn, but its really started to grow on me!

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Apparently as a 4-year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.

Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.

Apparently, 9 out of 10 people don’t trust stairs

They know they’re up to something

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.

But apparently you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.

My girlfriend left me because I apparently never listen...

She could have had the courtesy to tell me.

Apparently, we are getting a make up year for 2020 because we missed so much of it due to COVID.

Next year is officially 2020: 2

In first, US added to annual list of ‘backsliding’ democracies

Apparently US is considered a democracy now

did you hear about the remote control that went to jail.

apparently he was charged with battery

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Apparently the average person had sex 90 times this year...

...these last two weeks are going to be incredible!

Me: “According to Waze, someone got decapitated on the interstate”

Wife: “What? Seriously?”

Me: “Yeah, apparently police reported ahead”

Apparently 1/3 of people in a relationship are unfaithful

I’ve just gotta figure out if it’s my wife or my girlfriend

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I have no problem buying Tampons for my wife, I’m a fairly modern man

But apparently, they don’t make a great birthday present.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got fired today when my boss caught me masturbating with a vegetable

Apparently the hospital has “very strict rules” around what we are allowed to do with COVID patients in the ICU.

I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years...

...but they're having a really hard time putting their case together.

Bruce Willis has admitted to making an "error of judgement" after reportedly being asked to leave a Los Angeles store for refusing to wear a face mask. Apparently, he wasn't even aware of the effects of his actions until a young boy walked up to him and said...

"I see dead people."

Apparently Kraft are opening a new factory in the Holy Land. They're calling it . . .

Cheeses of Nazareth.

Apparently the British hated rows,

which was why they columnised so many places

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Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try...

...my fucking goldfish died.

My wife asked me where I'd like to be buried? \

Apparently "balls deep in your sister" wasn't the answer she was expecting.

My wife asked me which of her friends I would want to have a threesome with.

Apparently I was only supposed to pick one.

A man orders soup at the restaraunt, but as soon as it arrives, it becomes apparent something is very wrong with his meal.

He flags down his waiter.

"Excuse me waiter, could you please taste my soup?"

The waiter gives the man a strange look.

"Is something wrong with your soup, sir?"

The man shakes his head,

"Please taste the soup, waiter."

The waiter gets flustered, he told the ...

What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovah’s Witness?

Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.

DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?


DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?


MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????


DAD: No, it was with a knife...

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Everyone likes to make fun of people who take Ivermectin

But I looked up some of the symptoms of Covid and apparently it can make you a little hoarse.


Sorry.

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Apparently the hornier you are, the more forgetful you are

Did you know that the hornier you are, the more forgetful you are?

I recently had a chat with a Spanish girl whose name is apparently "senorita 2"

Unfortunately she wasn't able to recognize any of the words I was saying. That's probably the only time I'll speak with "MS-DOS".

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Apparently, men think about sex every seven seconds...

I make sure I eat my hotdogs within 6 seconds so it doesn't get weird.

Apparently Kanye mistakenly conceded the election.

It was an accident. Someone asked him if he’s conceited.

Apparently there are three jewish guys in my car's air conditioner....

Hi, Norm and Max.

Background: Something I noticed many, many years ago when I was a teenager in my dad's car. My dad thought it was pretty funny. He had a lousy sense of humor. lol

My friend tried to start a restaurant called Honkers. But he didn’t get very good business.

Apparently, the idea of a restaurant where all the waitresses have big noses doesn’t appeal to a lot of people.

Have you guys heard about the Sharpie molester?

Apparently he only felt tips.

So the American people's choices for President will apparently be either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton.

That is the joke. There's no punchline here.

Take 2: Someone stole my credit cards and apparently made a purchase in a furniture store.

I only found out when the bank contacted me and told me that my card had been reclined.

Apparently a cat has caught Covid

Don’t ask meow...

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I just told my boss I'm fed up of working in a shit hole: the toilets are never cleaned, there's mould in the fridge, there's never any hot water and the place hasn't been hoovered once

Apparently he can't do anything about it if I work from home

Apparently they have increased the difficulty level of the "She sells sea shells" tongue twister in a newer version

The seller lives in Seychelles.

I've just applied for a job in a salad packing factory.

The hours are terrible, but apparently the celery is good.

My Dad told me that if anyone ever pulled a gun on me I should start reeling off statistics

Apparently there's safety in numbers

Apparently Monica Lewinsky didn’t vote for Hillary Clinton this election.

She said the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.

Apparently origami enthusiasts are bad at poker...

they're always folding.

I'll see myself out. lol

I got fired from my job as a masseur.

There wasn't any specific incident, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.

Apparently I’ve been banned from the gas station for playing ‘The Who’ too loudly on my car stereo...

I won't get fueled again.

What do you call a wolf that is woke?

Awarewolf



(credit goes to my GF, who's apparently practicing her dad humor. *sigh* please, don't wreck my karma)

Did you hear about the female condor that had chicks with no male involved?

Apparently this is pretty common. My wife had the same thing. She said her doctor couldn’t figure it out.

A young boy asked me how come he was an orphan.

I said the reason was not apparent.

People say you cant be sad in Hawaii, its a magical place

Apparently, they've never heard of a tropical depression.

My neighbor just sent me a bill for a thousand dollars…

Yeah, apparently my dog did his dirty business over in his yard, and he took a fence to it.

Apparently NASCAR is banning all Confederate flags from its races.

But how will drivers know they’ve entered the last lap of the race? 🏳

Apparently there’s a battle for the rights to Star Wars aftershave.

It’s “The Cologne Wars.”

(Apparently, I said this joke in my sleep, and don't recall ever hearing it before, so I may have come up with it in my sleep as well.) Did you hear the one about the professional hockey player who quit his job to become an accountant?

He wanted an off-ice job.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last night John Travolta was hospitalised for a suspected case of Covid-19

But his doctors have now confirmed it was only Saturday night fever and they assure everyone that he’s staying alive.

Apparently he had chills that were multiplying.

Apparently Santa has retired.

He’s passed all his responsibilities to Amazon.

A headline from the Dallas Morning News

Dallas Morning News - A 15 year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with chil...

Apparently the first dog in space died of stress

It was probably because of the vacuum

Apparently all the bathroom fixtures in the Whitehouse are now gold.

I just heard the President likes gold in showers.

A transport ship goes down....

A transport ship goes down in the middle of the Atlantic quickly enough that no distress signal get sent. After the ship had been overdue for a ten days, a rescue is dispatched. Five days after that, the come across an island and send men ashore. There, they find four women lounging in emergency ten...

I wanted to put a measure on the ballot that would release all English instructors from prison, but apparently...

**you can't end sentences with a proposition.**

Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.

Apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks.

And now the cops are here…..

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