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Apparently the man was smothered to death between a pair of breasts.

There was no sign of a struggle.

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Apparently my family is racist

I had them meet my new black girlfriend and they all started screaming at us. Especially my wife.

Apparently you can’t use ‘beefstew’ as a password

It’s not stroganoff.

Apparently, it is rude to poke somebody in the forehead

and say "skip intro" when they start talking to you ....

Apparently there are two rules to win in life...

1. Never be poor.
2. Never be ugly.

Well, the joke's on me.

The worst thing about this pandemic is all the restaurants apparently using lower quality ingredients to save money.

I'll keep eating out every day, but I haven't been able to taste anything for weeks.

Apparently, there's a necrophiliac on the loose.

Look alive, people!

There's a medicine you can buy that apparently cures scepticism.

But I'm not buying it.

The medical code of ethics is way too strict. Apparently, I’m not allowed to marry a patient even if we’re in a consensual relationship.

I’m really starting to hate being a veterinarian.

Apparently, 9 out of 10 people don’t trust stairs

They know they’re up to something

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My wife and I were arguing earlier and she brought up my apparent “lack of direction”.

“Where the fuck did that come from?!” I said.

What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovah’s Witness?

Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.

My girlfriend left me because I apparently never listen...

She could have had the courtesy to tell me.

A dad joke becomes apparent

when it's full groan.

Bruce Willis has admitted to making an "error of judgement" after reportedly being asked to leave a Los Angeles store for refusing to wear a face mask. Apparently, he wasn't even aware of the effects of his actions until a young boy walked up to him and said...

"I see dead people."

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Apparently the average person had sex 90 times this year...

...these last two weeks are going to be incredible!

Apparently, drinking a pint of beer shortens your lifespan by nine minutes.

According to my calculations I died some time in 1829.

Take 2: Someone stole my credit cards and apparently made a purchase in a furniture store.

I only found out when the bank contacted me and told me that my card had been reclined.

Apparently Kraft are opening a new factory in the Holy Land. They're calling it . . .

Cheeses of Nazareth.

Apparently the government has several models to forecast how the pandemic will play out

They should use scientists instead - they're not as pretty but they know a lot more.

Apparently they have increased the difficulty level of the "She sells sea shells" tongue twister in a newer version

The seller lives in Seychelles.

So Kim Jong Un is apparently in a coma...

...Which is weird, because I thought his dad was the Il one.

Apparently a cat has caught Covid

Don’t ask meow...

Police found a man dead, hanging from the rafters, in an apparent suicide.

Inside the pocket of his trousers was a note explaining the reasoning behind his suicide. The note explained that he lead a straight edge life style and that he was suffering from PTSD for three months, ever since his friends forced him to smoke weed with them.

He was unable to handle the st...

It recently became apparent to me,

that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on a keyboard.

This is why I'll never be ending an e-mail with the phrase "Regards" ever again.

I recently had a chat with a Spanish girl whose name is apparently "senorita 2"

Unfortunately she wasn't able to recognize any of the words I was saying. That's probably the only time I'll speak with "MS-DOS".

Apparently Santa has retired.

He’s passed all his responsibilities to Amazon.

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Apparently the hornier you are, the more forgetful you are

Did you know that the hornier you are, the more forgetful you are?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not having sex tonight

One evening last week,my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,the passion starts to heat up,and she eventually says,‘I don‘t feel like it,I just want you to hold me.‘

I said,‘WHAT??!! What was that?!‘

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear.... <...

Apparently the British hated rows,

which was why they columnised so many places

Apparently "I'm sorry" and "My bad" are same thing

unless you're at a funeral

[Demetri martin]

Apparently 1/3 of people in a relationship are unfaithful

I’ve just gotta figure out if it’s my wife or my girlfriend

I wanted to put a measure on the ballot that would release all English instructors from prison, but apparently...

**you can't end sentences with a proposition.**

Apparently there’s a beef shortage on the rise.

Good news is fast food restaurants shouldn’t be affected.

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In college, I was refused membership in all the fraternities because I was circumcised.

Apparently you need to be a complete dick.

Apparently there’s a battle for the rights to Star Wars aftershave.

It’s “The Cologne Wars.”

Apparently Monica Lewinsky didn’t vote for Hillary Clinton this election.

She said the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.

Apparently that new tropical storm is really hard to track. I keep seeing on the news TROPICAL STORM ETA

but they never say when it’ll hit.

My wife asked me which of her friends I would like to have a threesome with.

Apparently I’m not supposed to pick two of them.

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A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterd...

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What's worse than inciting insurrection to overturn a democratic election?

Lying about a blowjob, apparently.

Apparently I know next to nothing about the Middle East

Looks like I’ve been living under Iraq.

Apparently my alarm clock is transparent

I slept right through it

Apparently someone in London is stabbed every 58 seconds.

Poor bloke!

I told my psychologist I am scared off living in tall buildings

Apparently it's an Apartment Complex

Apparently scarves are the most dangerous form of winter clothing.

The least dangerous are sweater vests. They’re completely armless

Apparently the first dog in space died of stress

It was probably because of the vacuum

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I'm being sued by Apple for trying to sell solid gold butt plugs.

Apparently only they can patent expensive stuff for assholes.

Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain. In other words...

...there is joint support for joint support for joint support...

DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?


DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?


MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????


DAD: No, it was with a knife...

A mother Chameleon was so overcome with joy when her eggs hatched that her camouflage dropped.

Looking down excitedly, she exclaimed, "I've become apparent!"

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The medics rushed Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently due to a massive heart attack.

The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to the Intensive Care Unit, where therapy continues.

After a couple of days, Mr. Steinberg’s physician comes into his room and says, “Sol, I’m happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function th...

Apparently all the bathroom fixtures in the Whitehouse are now gold.

I just heard the President likes gold in showers.

Apparently I’ve been banned from the gas station for playing ‘The Who’ too loudly on my car stereo...

I won't get fueled again.

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Apparently, men think about sex every seven seconds...

I make sure I eat my hotdogs within 6 seconds so it doesn't get weird.

Why is it so hard for me to get karma?

Apparently for everyone else, it's a piece of cake.

(It is my understanding that you must post something on your cake day).

Apparently I have boundary issues

Or at least thats what it says in my neighbours diary

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Did you know pigeons die after sex?

Yeah, apparently. Well, at least the one I f%$*ed did.

Apparently Rihanna is partnering with Nike to make big shoes for women

They're calling them AirRihanna Grandes

Apparently the police have been going to a load of house parties as lockdown rules are getting implemented.

Ridiculous, one rule for us and another for them.

I couldn't join the KKK, apparently my bloodline isn't pure enough

Turns out, my parents weren't even related.

What do you call a pear thats a dad?

I don't really know but it should be apparent.

A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder

So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.

“What would you like for your last meal?”

“I would like a banana please.”

The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric c...

Apparently, people from Dubai don't like the Flintstones...

But people from Abu Dhabi do.

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I moved into a neighborhood down near a movie theater once

It was pretty nice. Everyone was friendly and it wasn’t even that expensive. I thought I could probably live there for a little while untill I got a knock on the door from a neighbor shortly after I moved in.

He heard that I was new, and wanted to let me know something about my next door neig...

Apparently, stating letters and their Scrabble values is a good idea...

...I for one agree.

Apparently NASCAR is banning all Confederate flags from its races.

But how will drivers know they’ve entered the last lap of the race? 🏳

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently as a 4-year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Inn by a local priest.

Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.

I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

## Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

Apparently origami enthusiasts are bad at poker...

they're always folding.

I'll see myself out. lol

The CEO of strongbow has apparently delayed his decision on whether to continue pear or apple flavour.

Have you ever known anyone so indicidersive

There's a term for guys like Donald Trump.

But apparently not 2 terms.

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A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention. Then, in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, a fire breaks out in the engineer's wastebasket. The engineer rushes over to the bathroom, empties out the ice bucket, fills it with water and pours it into the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My GF broke up with me over a misunderstanding when we tried a new sexual position

Apparently, her "doggy style" doesn't involve any real dog

My boss stared at me coldly and grumbled, “You’re fired!" Dejected, I slowly placed my gun and badge on the table. Apparently, he wasn't finished because then he shouted...

“You’re a waiter, brah! Where did you get those!?"

A perfectionist walked into a bar...apparently,

the bar wasn’t set high enough.

What's the hardest thing about being vegan?

Keeping it to yourself apparently.

IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years but they’re having a really hard time…

…putting their case together.

So apparently Kanye West is running for president

My question is, will he let the other candidates finish their speeches?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to find a porn director willing to hire me as a performer, but I couldn't...

Apparently I didn't look hard enough.

*(As you can probably tell by how stupid it is, I wrote this one myself.)*

Apparently I have a foot fetish. Feet make me so excited, but I'm always ashamed. I really want to deny it, but after a year of lying to myself...

I accept defeat

My swimming instructor asked me what my favourite stroke was.

Apparently "The one that killed Margaret Thatcher" wasn't the right answer.

Did you hear about the guys from Smash Mouth? Apparently they are all broke and have resorted to eating...

hey now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try...

...my fucking goldfish died.

Joseph stole my girl...

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but...

I've just had that dreaded call telling me I have to self isolate!

Apparently my roommates cat has Covid 19!

Don't ask Meow

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Apparently I'm going to hell because I infected the Donkey next door.

They said I must not COVID my neighbor's ass.

(Apparently, I said this joke in my sleep, and don't recall ever hearing it before, so I may have come up with it in my sleep as well.) Did you hear the one about the professional hockey player who quit his job to become an accountant?

He wanted an off-ice job.

A man orders soup at the restaraunt, but as soon as it arrives, it becomes apparent something is very wrong with his meal.

He flags down his waiter.

"Excuse me waiter, could you please taste my soup?"

The waiter gives the man a strange look.

"Is something wrong with your soup, sir?"

The man shakes his head,

"Please taste the soup, waiter."

The waiter gets flustered, he told the ...

I got fired from my last job even though I always gave 100%.

Apparently that's not how you grade exams.

My girlfriend got the coronavirus so I broke up with her. 2 weeks later, she’s seeing a new guy now and apparently he just tested positive. Be careful out there everyone, I guess what they say is true.

Ex gon give it to ya

Apparently the CDC is even limiting JOKES now? The CDC put out humor guidelines today asking Americans to limit themselves to

only telling inside jokes

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A man is walking in the street and sees a women with the most beautiful breasts he’s ever seen.

He walks up to her and asks: “If I give you 10’000$, will you let me bite your boob?”
The woman, quite shocked, obviously says no.
The man then asks if he can bite her breast for 100’000$. The woman still says no. The man asks for 1’000’000$, 10’000’000$ and 100’000’000$ but the woman still re...

I just met a dog that was trained to help blind people

Apparently he’s blinded three already.

Apparently humans eat more bananas then monkeys

It’s true, i can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey

My 28yo wife asked me how old does she look

Apparently, 42 is not the answer to everything

In my past life, I was a warrior for an Indian Tribe, and was madly in love with the chiefs daughter

In this tribe we were named after the first thing our mothers saw when we were born. And His daughter, Lily Petal, was absolutely beautiful, and everyday I sighed knowing there was nothing I could do to ever win her attention. I was just boring old Falling Rock, a nobody warrior.

But one day,...

Well, we can’t use the expression ‘avoid it like the plague’ anymore.....

Coz apparently humans do not do that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently 'Viagra' is now available in powder form specially for tea. Well, it's not for enhancing your sexual libido.................

............... But it won't let your dipped biscuit 'Go Soft'

In Germany everybody is panic buying sausages and cheese.

Apparently it's the wurst käse scenario.

After stopping me, the Policeman asked if I knew why he had pulled me over...

Apparently, "because you were lonely?" wasn't the right answer

Apparently my dinner date doesn't like vegetables....

She gave me her peas...

A kid walks into a grocery store

Looks at the cashier with intimidating eyes "Give me this food free of charge or I'll do what my father did"

Fearful for his apparent resolve the cashier lets him leave uncharged.

2nd day the kid back says the same thing, the cashier feels obliged to answer his request.

This goe...

I got arrested for illegal fishing, even though there weren't any 'no fishing' signs.

Apparently if it's an aquarium in a hotel lobby, you don't need a sign.

Baked beans

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction. When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a...

Apparently the tinnitus help line is down today...

...I tried calling but it just keeps ringing

Apparently they’re going to erect a statue in memory of Dame Vera Lynn ...

Don’t know where, don’t know when

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many dead hookers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Apparently more than 5 because my basement is still dark.

Apparently Liquor Stores are, “Essential Business,” in New York City

After all, it’s the only way Mayor DeBlasio could manage to make the worst possible decisions in every situation he has ever been in.

Apparently rick Astley is really stingy with his Disney DVD collection.

Yeah he’ll share toy story, but he’s never gonna give you Up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife's test for Tourette Syndrome has come back negative.

Apparently I really am a cunt and she actually does want me to fuck off.

They say love is always the answer...

...but apparently not when you're taking a maths exam!

Czech Please

The abortion clinic in Prague had to be closed down due to lack of funds... too many cancelled Czechs apparently.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A stripper got fired for telling me who to vote for

Apparently pole workers can't do that

A man waved at me, so I waved him back but apparently he was waving at a woman behind me, so I kept my hand up and stopped a taxi that took me to the airport.

I am now in Ireland starting a new life

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently Beer Contains Female Hormones:

After you drink enough.

you cannot drive:

Or shut the fuck up:

Netherlands work ( personal experience )

So, English is not my first language, it's my third. I moved to Netherlands some time ago and I got my first job. Apparently people here are nice? And they also pay their taxes? Did you guys know that? Anyway, the manager of the factory I worked in approached me to say ''hello'' and introduce himsel...

A farmer ask his neighbor:

A farmer ask his neighbor: Do you have way to identify cows? I have two and i want to know which is which.

The neighbor, thinks:
Umm, you can cut the edge of the ear of only one of them.

The next week,
Farmer: I've tried your idea but the other cow got too close to the sharpe fi...

Breaking news: Conspiracy against trump confirmed.

In a recent study of ballots it has become apparent that there was in fact a Conspiracy during the election.

Turns out it was way worse than the Republicans first thought though, it is now believed that a massive conspiracy involving some 81 million American adults conspired together against ...

There was a huge discount on a local shop at my town. 99% off on everything! Apparently no one came.

I guess no one likes coffins.

Apparently the French have their own alternative for marijuana.

They call it “ouid”.

‌‌After s‌‌ex w‌‌ith m‌‌y n‌‌ew g‌‌irlfriend l‌‌ast n‌‌ight s‌‌he s‌‌nuggled u‌‌p n‌‌ext t‌‌o m‌‌e a‌‌nd s‌‌aid, "‌‌You a‌‌re d‌‌efinitely t‌‌he b‌‌iggest I‌‌'ve e‌‌ver h‌‌ad."

Apparently "‌‌ditto" w‌‌asn't t‌‌he c‌‌orrect r‌‌esponse.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend was angry after I forgot to buy tampons.

Apparently telling her to "go with the flow" wasn't a good response

Apparently calling people terrorists if offensive now.

Ive been told the correct term is government contractors.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BREAKING NEWS Thieves have allegedly broken into the laboratory at Pfizer to try and steal the new Covid-19 vaccine...

They apparently took a case of viagra instead. The police are looking for a group of hardened criminals.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethic minority, so...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, a Dane, a Romani, a Bulgarian, a Swiss, a Greek, a Bulgaria...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently Scientists have created robots to give love and support to people

The first word that came to my head was "RoBlowjob"

At first I wasn’t quite sure if my dog was pregnant, bloated, or just fat

But then it became apparent

Apparently Darth Vader has a right-wing billionaire cousin

His name is Tax E. Vader

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