UPJOKE
obviousevidentseemingostensiblemanifestplainpatentunmistakablepalpablesuperficialclearunclearperceivedmarkedsignificant

Apparent Jokes

Apparently you can’t use “beefstew” as a password.

It’s not stroganoff.

I couldn't join the KKK, apparently my bloodline isn't pure enough

Turns out, my parents weren't even related.

If you lose one sense, apparently your other senses are enhanced.

This is why people with no sense of humour have a heightened sense of self-importance.

So the American people's choices for President will apparently be either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton.

That is the joke. There's no punchline here.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently as a 4-year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.

Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.

Apparently screaming 5 second rule

Apparently screaming 5 second rule when eating out your girlfriend isn’t considered romantic when she falls off the bed.

Apparently the company that makes Tupperware is going bust, which is a surprise.

I thought their finances would have been airtight.

IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years...

...but they're having a really hard time putting their case together.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?"The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?"The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt...

Apparently someone has been shot with a starter pistol at the athletics track

Police think it may be race related

Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain...

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man says to his wife 'apparently the milkman has had sex with every woman but one on our street'

'I bet it's that stuck up cow at No.36' replies the wife

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently someone in London is stabbed every 58 seconds.

Poor bastard.

Oxygen and Potassium went on a date, and apparently it was OK

But then we saw Oxygen getting together with Magnesium, and we were like, OMg Oxygen is cheating on Potassium! That is *not* OK!

But then when Nitrogen started flirting, Oxygen said NO.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try...

...my fucking goldfish died.

Apparently I snore so loudly that

I scare everyone in the car I'm driving.

Apparently you can get STDs from toilet seats

But only if you sit down before the other guy gets up

Apparently if your girlfriend or wife ever says "if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new...."

"anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.

So Kim Jong Un is apparently in a coma...

...Which is weird, because I thought his dad was the Il one.

I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

Apparently "I'm sorry" and "My bad" are same thing

unless you're at a funeral

[Demetri martin]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently the man was smothered to death between a pair of breasts.

There was no sign of a struggle.

Apparently Elton John has a personal trainer for his rabbit…

It’s a little fit bunny

My girlfriend yelled at me because I apparently treat her like a child.

So I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.

Apparently people think that I am condescending

(that means I look down on people)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see? He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they're TWINS ! I had never met them before, apparently they live at the uni and were visiting.

Anyway, so I went up to my friend's room, “How are you mate?”

“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my socks from downstairs. My feet are freezing.” he tells me.

So I rushed downstairs and found his two sisters perched up on the couch, right where his socks lay.

I sa...

Apparently, there's a necrophiliac on the loose.

Look alive, people!

Apparently the Republican party are considering banning coffee...

Part of their war on woke.

Apparently there’s a beef shortage on the rise.

Good news is fast food restaurants shouldn’t be affected.

Apparently there was a mass shooting at the Gap.

There were a lot of casual tees.

Apparently the clocks are going back next week

I guess that’s daylight robbery

An emaciated man was found dead in his bathtub. The apparent cause of death was starvation.

Oddly, he still had enough food in his fridge, and no apparent mobility problems that would prevent him from getting to it. His relatives did not know of any mental problems either.

The best investigator in the city was called to the scene. She takes one look at the bathroom and asks the rela...

Apparently Trump's family tree looks like a cactus

Everybody on it is a prick

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW apparently pigeons die after sex

I didn't believe it myself, I tried and indeed they die

Apparently, when you drink a pint of Beer

You shorten your lifespan by 9 minutes. So according to my calculations, i died sometime in 1644.

Apparently there's a lettuce shortage.

Hopefully we can all romaine calm.

My friend said that, apparently, you cant make a sentence without the letter 'a'...

I don't know if they're right. Do you guys know if its true? I'm honestly kind of lost on this one...

Apparently one in three people cheat.

I wonder if it's my wife or my girlfriend.

Apparently they couldn’t prove the construction company used poor quality materials when building the bridge that fell down.

They had no concrete evidence.

Apparently, even saying "black paint" is considered racist...

You're supposed to say, "Leeroy, would you please paint the fence."

Apparently Donald Trump's favourite film is E.T...

Because it's about an illegal alien that goes home.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I looked at my roommate's search history. Apparently he's into forbidden desserts?

He keeps searching for "barely legal cream pies."

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent.

Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.

Just a really bad spell of weather.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend isn't talking to me because apparently I "ruined" her birthday...

..I'm not sure how that's possible, I didn't even know it was her fucking birthday.

Apparently you’re autistic if…

Apparently you’re autistic if you take things literally

Well, I’ve never stolen anything in my life so definitely not me

Apparently in Slovakia, they don't play 'The Floor is Lava'

They much prefer 'The Brat is Lava'

Apparently the world tongue twister champion was recently arrested.

I hear they’re gonna give him a tough sentence

Apparently smoking weed makes you gain weight

That explains my Pot belly

Apparently they're removing the essay section from the SAT

Now it's just going to be called the T.

Apparently a Redditor was possessed by an owl.

Who?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There’s apparently an optimal temperature for sex

Usually its too hot or too cold though, it never seems to be the right fucking temperature

Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary.

If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.

What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovah’s Witness?

Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.

It recently became apparent to me,

that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on a keyboard.

This is why I'll never be ending an e-mail with the phrase "Regards" ever again.

Apparently I have “boundary issues”

At least that’s what my neighbor wrote in his journal anyway

Florida governor Ron DeSantis is apparently reviewing the future of Formula One in Miami

The Drag Reduction System is not what he thought it was.

Apparently it’s no longer OK to urinate in the ocean.

I’m told it’s not pee sea.

Apparently Pfizer is now selling a pill that treats skepticism.

But I'm not buying it.

Apparently origami enthusiasts are bad at poker...

they're always folding.

I'll see myself out. lol

Apparently, it is illegal to laugh loudly in Hawaii

All you can do is a low HA

I tried to beat up the composer, but failed. Apparently I wasn’t…

…Rachmaninov.

Apparently, the FDA is okay with lab-grown meat

Poodle-grown meat, however, is still off the menu.

My wife asked me why I carry around a gun in the house.

And I answered, because of the decepticons!

She laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed, I shot Alexa.

It was a good time.

-
-

Edit: Thank you all for the upvotes and yes, this is a adaption to an old joke, i thought it was fitting regarding todays article about Alexa "laug...

In an African tribe village, the chieftain's wife gave birth to a white skinned child.

The chieftain quickly figured the voluntary doctor from Europe might be to blame. So the chieftain asked him to talk in his tent.

Chieftain: "Today my wife gave birth to a white child. She and I are dark skinned. You are white. It doesn't take a doctor to figure out that you have slept with ...

So apparently drinking alcohol is illegal now.

Just got pulled over for it.

A woman was walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.

A cop was approaching from about a block away, thinking to himself, "Boy, my eyes must be going. It looks like that woman is hanging out of her blouse."

But, as he got closer, it became apparent that she really was hanging out her blouse.

When the officer got face to face with the woma...

Apparently Tucker Carlson is starting a new band

Rage sponsored by the machine

Apparently 1/3 of people in a relationship are unfaithful

I’ve just gotta figure out if it’s my wife or my girlfriend

Apparently, Stradivarius's are so rare people will literally kill for a chance to get one

Violins begets violence

Apparently the Dad jokes never stop...

I just told my wife I was going to go hop in the shower; my 66 year old father-in-law looks me straight in the face and says, "You know, it works better if you just stand in it"...

Apparently, the repairs to Big Ben are going to take three years to complete.

That's ridiculous, considering they're working around the clock.

There's a way of telling if an orange is male or female…

If it squirts you in your eye without warning, it's a male.

If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently, men think about sex every seven seconds...

I make sure I eat my hotdogs within 6 seconds so it doesn't get weird.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethic minority, so...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, a Dane, a Romani, a Bulgarian, a Swiss, a Greek, a Bulgaria...

Apparently some pet rocks are braver than others...

I understand they're a little boulder.

My wife said we could each have 3 hall passes. She picked Henry Cavil, Jason Momoa, and Matt Damon; but then she got mad at me for my picks...

Apparently her sister, our kids kindergarten teacher and and Kelsey in the marketing department were the wrong answers.

Apparently the British hated rows,

which was why they columnised so many places

Apparently geniuses are absent-minded.

Add optional body text

Everybody picks on me because apparently my “memory is so bad”

But I cannot remember the last time I forgot something.

Apparently, lots of Canadians use "married but dating" sites.

What a sorry state of affairs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently my great-grandpa was a controversial figure when he served in WWII

Which is weird, I thought he’d be praised more considering my family tells me he killed Hitler

Did you hear that the US bobsled team put Donald Trump's picture on the front of the sled?

Apparently nobody else can make America go downhill faster.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently Beer Contains Female Hormones:

After you drink enough.

you cannot drive:

Or shut the fuck up:

I've got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He's going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.

Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes.

Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.

Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently the horniest women lack the most red blood cells. Damn..

Anaemia chick like that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention. Then, in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, a fire breaks out in the engineer's wastebasket. The engineer rushes over to the bathroom, empties out the ice bucket, fills it with water and pours it into the ...

Police found a man dead, hanging from the rafters, in an apparent suicide.

Inside the pocket of his trousers was a note explaining the reasoning behind his suicide. The note explained that he lead a straight edge life style and that he was suffering from PTSD for three months, ever since his friends forced him to smoke weed with them.

He was unable to handle the st...

Apparently Mike Tyson has a tiger that he regularly plays with

That’s really irresponsible. He shouldn’t be messing with wild beasts of nature like that. I know he thinks he’s nice and won’t bite, but Mike Tyson has shown signs of aggression before

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently the surgeon who removes testicles is a great doctor

His patients all speak very highly of him

Apparently I execute commands badly....

Wife sent me to the supermarket with a simple request:
#
Go to the supermarket and buy a loaf of bread
#
If they have eggs get a dozen.
#
Came home with 12 loafs of bread,
#
Still don’t get why she’s mad?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.

Apparently, I spend too much time on reddit

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf

Apparently crabs hear through their legs.

A scientist yelled at a crab and it ran away. Then he cut off its legs and yelled at it again. And suddenly the crab didn't run away anymore.

In Afghanistan, everyone is terrified of spiders, but apparently..

In Iraq no phobia

So, apparently Rand Paul was sucker punched...

So Rand Paul, who happens to be an ophthalmologist, apparently got into a fight with his neighbor, an anesthesiologist. Paul claims he was sucker punched, but neither man was badly hurt.

Does make you wonder, though - an ophthalmologist who didn't see it coming and an anesthesiologist who fai...

Apparently this is a current Russian joke: What is the title of Tolstoy's main work?

It's "Special operation and peace".

Continuing the apparent theme of incest jokes...

Reddit's new API pricing has forced third-party apps to close. Their official app is horrible and only serves to track your data. Follow me on Mastodon.

Apparently adding herbs to your garbage can makes it smell better.

But I don't have thyme for that rubbish.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I were arguing earlier and she brought up my apparent “lack of direction”.

“Where the fuck did that come from?!” I said.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently, there's a new sex position called, "delivery man"...

You stay in all day and no-one comes...

So apparently my neighbor doesn’t believe in air conditioning

He’s an ACeist

Apparently scientists are now investigating an anomaly in the European date system

They're working on it 24/7

Apparently, Canada has the world's thickest border...

With Mexico.

Apparently Kanye mistakenly conceded the election.

It was an accident. Someone asked him if he’s conceited.

Apparently, it is rude to poke somebody in the forehead

and say "skip intro" when they start talking to you ....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Johnny got kicked out of class today

The teacher asked him, "If I gave you £20 and you paid £5 to Joanne, £5 to Jane and £5 to Katie, what would you have?"

Apparently, "Three blowjobs and enough left for a kebab," was the wrong answer.

There's a medicine you can buy that apparently cures scepticism.

But I'm not buying it.

Apparently I have catastrophically misunderstood what "apocalypse" means all this time. Oh well.

It's not the end of the world.

Apparently loads of people turned away from voting for Trump coz he wanted to ban shredded cheese

He wanted to Make America Grate again.

Apparently Covid has..

.. a Trump card

My wife asked me which of her friends I would like to have a threesome with.

Apparently I’m not supposed to pick two of them.

Apparently, astronauts grow up to two inches in space.

I never knew they were so minute.

Apparently, all the tents from the Game of Thrones sets are being redecorated for use in a new mini-series on Genghis Khan.

I am not sure why anyone is surprised about the recycled Khan tent.

Apparently Santa has retired.

He’s passed all his responsibilities to Amazon.

Apparently when they ask you if you smoke or drink at the doctor’s office

It’s not an offer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard the grim reaper is bisexual…

Apparently, Death comes for us all.

What do you get when you try to crossbreed a human and a moose?

Arrested apparently

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In every friend group, apparently 1 out of 10 people are gay.

I hope it's Tyler, he's super cute.

My swimmer friend asked me “what’s your favorite stroke?”

Apparently the one that killed Margaret Thatcher wasn’t an answer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently there's a sperm shortage in the UK

Probably because all the wankers have gone to the petrol station

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently women really care about belly buttons

I told this girl I had an outtie and her eyes lit up

What's the toughest part of being a vegan?

Apparently keeping it to yourself.

My girlfriend asked me which one of her friends I'd want to have a threesome with...

Apparently the right answer wasn't "Wait, you have friends?"

Apparently most people lean slightly forward when they nod their head.

Must say, I'm inclined to agree.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?

Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious.

Apparently, people from Dubai don't like the Flintstones...

But people from Abu Dhabi do.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wasn’t allowed in a fraternity in college because I was circumcised.

Apparently you need to be a complete dick.

Thanos' finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.

Apparently only DC movies can do that.

Apparently Muslims invented the condom.

As it turns out, Muslims in the middle east one day came up with the brilliant idea to use goat intestines as a suitable condom. It wasn't, however, until in 1827 when the British perfected the idea by taking the intestines *out* of the goat first.

Apparently most people in The Vatican make their purchases online

Makes sense. I mean, they are a PayPal state

Apparently a cat has caught Covid

Don’t ask meow...

Apparently it took Thomas Edison 1000 attempts to make the lightbulb.

Damn, he would have gone through some dark times.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.

Edit: Apparently somebody posted this joke to Twitter in October and that makes me a piece of shit.

¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯

A Sunday school teacher posed a question to her class, "If I were to sell my house, car, donate my possessions to charity, and give all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?"

The children unanimously replied, "No."

The teacher then asked, "If I were to keep the church clean, mow the lawn, and keep everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"

Once again, the answer was a resounding "No."

Apparently perplexed, the teacher asked, "Well, then how ...

Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You got so big!" to children...

Old girlfriends seem to get offended.

The worst thing about this pandemic is all the restaurants apparently using lower quality ingredients to save money.

I'll keep eating out every day, but I haven't been able to taste anything for weeks.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.