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Signs Jokes

In heaven, there were two huge signs. The first read, Men Who Did What Their Wives Told Them to Do....

The line of men under this sign stretched as far as the eye could see.

The second sign stated, Men Who Did What They Wanted to Do. Only one man stood under that sign.

Intrigued, St. Peter said to the lone man, “No one has ever stood under this sign. Tell me about yourself"

The...

Twelve signs that you're an idiot:

1. Aries,
2. Taurus,
3. Gemini,
4. Cancer,
5. Leo,
6. Virgo,
7. Libra,
8. Scorpio,
9. Sagittarius,
10. Capricorn,
11. Aquarius, and
12. Pisces

Today I learned that "Wet Floor" signs…

…are not a request…

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A guy is driving through Nevada and sees a sign along the road with a large cross and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, 5 miles ahead."

He shakes his head and thinks "I must have read that wrong."

He continues on and a few minutes later see another sign, this one with a praying nun on it and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, Next Exit. So Good It's Miraculous!"

He decides he has to see this so he pull...

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I broke up with my girlfriend because of Zodiac signs incompatibility

She is a Pisces, and I don't believe in bullshit.

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Sign language

Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights off because they can't see each other using sign language.


After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to...

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6 signs that you had one glass too many

1. All girls look beautiful. It doesn't matter if they have beards.

2. You can't use your fork because it has 1 tine and 4 handles.

3. Lights are out in the restroom. But it smells nice, and they have clothes hanging instead of toilet paper.

4. Someone called you an asshole. But...

Sam signs up with the army and gets sent on basic training...

When they are handing out rifles, he is at the back of the line and they run out just before they get to him. 


The Sergeant gives him a stick and tell him to just pretend it's a rifle. 


So our hero goes running through the mock battle pointing his stick and yelling, "Bangid...

Why do hippies like exit signs?

'Cause they're way out, man

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Putin and Biden are wrapping up their discussion...

Putin says: "You know, Joe. I had this dream few days ago"

Biden: "Oh, what kind of dream?"

Putin: "I saw America, in flames. Nuclear warhead crater where Capitol used to be. New York leveled. Los Angeles covered in human ash. It was Glorious, Joe. I nearly teared up..."

Biden: ...

My local council decided to build road signs saying "Avoid Distractions".

There's been an increase in car accidents ever since.

A young baker buys a shop

He is very excited as this is his first venture since qualifying. He sells ok on everyday items like bread, but runs into trouble with his 'special items'. One day he makes beautiful cakes, however his customers only want pastries that day. So the next day he makes pastries, but now they want muffin...

My thoughts on zodiac signs

Like I don’t mind them in general, but I hate it when people bring them up all the time.


So this one time I called my friend and asked him if he wanted to go to the mall with me.


He said, “No dude, I can’t, I have cancer.”

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After days of driving, a trucker walks into a empty small-town diner and sees three signs above the counter.

The first reads "Hamburger: $5," the second reads "Cheeseburger: $6," and the third reads "Handjob: $10." As the man approached, a beautiful young woman dressed in an apron came out from the kitchen and asked coyly, "What can I do for you, hon?"

"Are you the one who gives the handjobs?" asked...

11:38 - Arrived at crime scene.

11:38 - Examined body. Signs of a struggle.

11:38 - Found murder weapon in drain.

11:38 - Realised watch was broken.

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I've never understood how the Nazis couldn't find where Anne Frank was hiding

I've been to Amsterdam... There are signs pointing to her house everywhere.

My ex-wife cheated on me with her deaf best friend!

Honestly, I should have seen the signs.

There’s a weird trend in my town where all the shops have custom made Exit Signs. They seem to be quite a rage these days.

But I think..they are on the way out.

Although my wife is still young, I think she's showing early signs old dementia.

For example, twice this week she told me she doesn't remember what she saw in me.

Yo momma so dumb she waits for the stop signs to turn green

She so ugly they do

Signs of our times

My brother says hiring in California is so low, they updated the policy - Long hair freaky people "may" apply.

Signs you drink too much coffee

- You answer the door before people knock.

- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

- You ski uphill.

- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

- You lick your coffeepot clean.

- You're the employee of ...

The bad news is, one of the earliest signs of cognitive impairment is the inability to finish sentences.

The good news Is

I think my deaf girlfriend is falling in love with a deaf friend of hers.

I’ve been noticing——the signs aren’t good.

Star Signs

The Doctor walks in,

Patient: Hey doc, whats the news?

Doctor: I was wondering what's your star sign?

Patient: Cancer, why?

Doctor: Funny that.

I keep seeing all these LGBTQ+ Pride signs everywhere.

I ask people what they mean but can never get a straight answer.

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In USSR we had this joke

An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the member...

Why are handicap signs blue?

Because they're all crips.
(Sorry)

I never wanted to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker

But when I got home, all the signs were there

Sisters

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says, 'Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 15 mi.’

He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.

Soon, he sees another sign tha...

Why do real estate agents put their picture on business cards, Facebook pages, web sites, billboards, bus stops, postcards, vehicle wraps, yard signs, and printed ads?

So you’ll know what they looked like 10 years ago.

The Mars rover has detected the first signs of life on Mars.

It seems that it has received signals from 'Hot MILFs in it's area'

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