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Slump Jokes

A guy walks into a bar, slumps into a chair, and orders a beer. The bartender says, "What's wrong, pal? You look down."

The guy sighs and says, "I am down. My wife is mad at me, and said she wouldn't talk to me for a whole month."

The bartender says, "Gee, that's too bad. When does that start?"

"Start? Today's the last day."

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Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar....

He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and sh...

Just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.

He said he’ll be fine, he’s just going through a rough patch.

At the airport today a man fainted and slumped over onto the luggage carousel.

He slowly came around.

I looked out of my window this morning and saw my dad slumped over the lawnmower crying, I said to my mum "what's wrong with dad?"

"He's going through a rough patch" she said...

What did the botanist do every time he was in a slump?

He turned over a new leaf.

Fishing……

Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip.

Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him.

After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated.

The following week when ...

A boy was walking down the street when he saw a man further down slumped over his car...

As the boy came closer he realised the man wasn't slumped over the car, he was hugging and kissing it, all while bawling tears.

"What's wrong?" Asked the boy, "Is your wife making you sell the car?"

"No," answers the man. "She just got her license."

I found my girlfriend slumped over Hadrian's Wall with an empty vodka bottle in her hand.

I'm worried she's becoming a borderline alcoholic.

A person doing a survey called me and asked, “What’s your position on drugs?”

Me: Usually slumped on a beanbag chair.

Grandpa Joe was being taken by his grandchildren to his new nursing home.

The family bought Grandpa Joe in on his wheelchair.

A kind young nurse met them. "Welcome to our nursing home! Let me show you around!" She said in a friendly tone, as she took the wheelchair.

She wheeled him into a large room full of sofas, with a big TV screen. "This is the lounge. Y...

Chuck Norris, Zelensky, and God all walk into a bar.

The Bartender looks up, "Were were just about to start a new drinking game I've been working on. I call out a bragging point, and each one willing to meet it, chugs their drink. The last man standing due to matching every post and surviving every drink, gets the pot. Everyone else has to split the t...

It is January 2017, and Barack Obama is giving Donald Trump a tour of the White House...

... when they come across an outdoor running track in the courtyard.


Trump asks "Why is this here?" To which Obama explains that since Lincoln, the United States has been secretly tracking how fast Presidents can run one mile - averaging about 10 minutes. Trump thinks for a second and t...

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"I went to the annual Dickens Fair, and now my wife wants a divorce."

A man trudges into a bar and slumps down on a stool.

"Hey, buddy," the bartender says, "you look pretty down. What's eating you?"

The man sighs and shrugs. "I went to the annual Dickens Fair, and now my wife wants a divorce."

"Isn't that just a bunch of Victorian costumes, usele...

A guy moves his mom into a nursing home, settles her in, and heads home

As she's sitting in her chair watching Golden Girls, she slumps over to the side and has a strange expression on her face.

Seeing this, one of the caretakers rushes over and props her back up.

Then, during Matlock, she slumps again and is promptly attended to.

During Wheel o...

A man and a giraffe walk into a bar.

After a few drinks, the giraffe slumps over and dies. The man starts to walk out when the bartender stops him. "Hey, you can't leave that lyin' there!" The bartender yells to the man.

The man replies "That's a giraffe my dear, not a lion."

Murder @ Wal-Mart

So here's the story. . .

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a
young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large
insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then
arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend o...

One day, a mathematician was found dead in his office....

When they investigated they found he had died of dehydration, slumped over an untranslated copy of Homer's Iliad that had been sent to him by mistake.
Scrawled on the margins were the words "This is the most complicated equation I have ever seen"

A Canadian couple takes their pet polar bear to Antarctica

Years ago, a couple in Canada found an abandoned polar bear cub and decided to adopt and raise it themselves. By the time the bear was grown up, it had become very tame, very friendly, and rather jovial.

Life with a pet polar bear turned out to be pretty fun, but one problem was that takin...

No Nativity this year

No Nativity this year because the 3 Wise Men face a travel ban.
The shepherds have been furloughed.
The Inn keeper has shut under tier 3 regulations and had a slump in bookings.
Santa won't be working as he would break the rule of 6 with Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Donner and Blitzen....

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A doctor, a psychologist, and a mathematician go to a horse race.

They all make their bets and plan to meet at their favorite watering hole after the race to compare their results. The doctor arrives last, orders a round for the group saying:

"I sure cleaned up! Lake Cookie was pegged for second place so I snuck into his stable just before the race and juic...

From a 30 year old memory of a joke someone's grandfather told.

Brad's first year away at university was a lot of partying and paying for his friend's. He quickly runs out of money. His father would not be pleased with his wastefulness, so Brad sends him a message stating he has a professor that can teach his father's dog how to read and write for a bargain pric...

It's 1961 and Chuck knocks on his prom date's door.

Her dad opens it and invites him in.

"So, you're taking our Betty to her first prom?" he asks, sternly.

Chuck nervously stutters "y-yes sir."

"She'll be down in a sec. But let's have a chat while we wait."

Chuck slumps in the nearest chair, waiting for the inevitable tal...

A wheelie bin collector turns up to a new collection address only to find no bin out the front, so he walks up the driveway and knocks on the door...

An unkempt man with a cagey expression opens the door.

"Hey mate. Where's your bin?" the collector asks.

Nervously the man stammers, "Aah... I... I's bin in hospital"

"Nah mate" corrects the collector, "Where's your bin? Where's your wheelie bin?"

Looking defeated, the m...

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A distraught woman answered the door…

DISCLAIMER: I heard this 30 years ago and was told this was a true story. Then I heard a comedian tell it 20 years ago. I have no idea what the actual origin is so haters kindly please step off. Lol

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The nighttime festivities at a neighborhood pub were winding down when the b...

Little Jonny was 5 years old and born blind

Little Jonny was 5 years old and born blind. One evening as his mother puts him to bed she says to him, "Jonny, tomorrow is a very special day: if you pray extra hard tonight God will grant you the miracle of sight". Super excited, Jonny jumps back out of bed, clasps his hands together and begin to ...

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Pedro and Juan are stranded in the desert... (My favourite joke, [LONG])

After a day of walking, staggering, then crawling, they are thirsty, starving, and near death. They are about to give up when Juan exclaims,

“Pedro, look! At thee bottom of the dune... it’s an Oasis!”

Pedro struggles to bring his head up to look. “Juan... I think so my friend. I think...

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Trump's statement regarding China

Trump: "In little over a week when I take office, China will fall into a slump. Factories will shut down, shops will close, stock markets will not trade, and government will grind to a halt.The wealthy will flee overseas with their families, citizens desperately trade their currency for food, doors ...

An Australian man and his kangaroo walk into a bar

An Australian man and his kangaroo walk into a bar, and spend the night drinking shot after shot. After a few hours, the kangaroo passes out and slumps to the floor. The man goes to pay his tab and starts to leave. The bartender shouts “Hey! Are you just going to leave that lying there?” The man tur...

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Leprechuans in a Nunnery

Two leprechauns walk into a nunnery. The first leprechaun flags down a nun and asks her, "excuse me sister, Oi's just wond'rin. Would ya happen to have any nuns that're my size?" the nun replies, "noo my son, I'm afraid you're a very wee man. We have no nuns here that're your size." the leprechaun t...

A husband and wife are sitting at a table at her twentieth high-school reunion.

There is an incredibly drunk man slumped over at the table across from them.



“Do you know that guy?” the husband asks.



“Yes,” the wife replies somberly. “That’s my ex-boyfriend. He started drinking right after we broke up and hasn’t been sober since.”



“Go...

A aide comes into the Oval Office and says to Trump

"Sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Afghanistan last night." Trump looks absolutely devastated, nobody's ever seen him like this. He slumps back in his chair, saying OMG over and over. Then he composes himself and says: "Okay. Just remind me, how many are there in a brazillion?"

"When drums stop...very bad."

An English explorer was trekking through a remote jungle with a local wise man he had hired as a guide. Two days into their journey, far from civilization, they began to hear the faint, slow beating of drums in the distance.

*Dum. Dum. Dum. Dum.*

The Englishman said to the wise man, “I...

Birthing theories

3 guys were in a waiting room, their wives in labour.

The first man gets called in. He comes out later and tells the others that it was a boy. He laughs and says "geez I think I got a boy because I was on top at that magic moment".

The second man gets called in, and sometime later, he...

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Guy runs into a bar and yells "Quick I gotta get ten shots of your finest whiskey, fuck the cost, pour the shots I'm gonna take them all!"

The bartender is a bit surprised with the request but he lines up the shots, and watches, with a bit of concern but is also kind of impressed as this guy sits on a barstool and slams shot after shot until they're all down.

"Hot damn!" says the bartender. "That's fucked up, what's going on wit...

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David gathers his orthodox family in the living room to break some big news….

“Father, mother, siblings, please sit down. Despite what I’m about to tell you, I want you to know that I am still the same person that you know and love. I’ve kept this part of me away from you for too long, and I don’t want to hide this anymore. And more than anything, I hope you will accept me fo...

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The three hunters story

This is a joke my grandfather used to tell. He just passed away so I thought I'd share it here.

Three friends decided to take a hunting trip. The first friend was a genius and succeeded at everything he tried. The second friend was an average Joe and got through life just fine. The third fri...

A man is having issues with his wifi

As any self-loathing individual would do he calls up his service provider who tell him that they’ll have someone look at the router at 10am the next day.

“Odd, this seems like good customer service” he thought to himself. The next morning he wakes up, grabs a cup of coffee and waits, 10am lea...

My grand-dad was depressed because his prize marrows were not growing on his allotment, so I went along there to see if I could see what the problem was.

When I got there he was slumped over a pathetic burnt little marrow. I looked around me and noticed that all the other allotments were basking in dappled sunshine filtering through the trees but his was in the dark except for a stong burning ray of light. The cause was the huge window on a huge shed...

Three car salesmen have a wreck on the way to work

They all arrive at the Pearly Gates and Saint Peter says "Let me ask you a question before admitting you to heaven."

To the first he says "My son, while on Earth did you lead a good life?"
"Oh yes, " says the first man," I had thirty years of marriage to a wonderful woman and I was hones...

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"So, Doctor van Helsing, we meet at last," said the Count.

van Helsing turned slowly. The castle library was lit in patches by the bright moonlight spilling through the windows, and otherwise only in a circle of yellow gold by the Dutchman's candle. He had never even heard the door open or a hint of a footfall; and yet there Count Dracula was, less than twe...

A Drunk is on his way home from a bar...

He stumbles and backs himself against an advertising pillar. He slowly continues his walk with his hands still on the advertising pillar for aid, going around once, twice, three times...

With a scream of agony he suddenly slumps to the ground and cries out loud:

"Dear God! I'm walled i...

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One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to Inverness.

Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four, has a huge red beard and, despite the wind, mist, and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle.

At ...

A cop was sitting outside the local bar because he needed to meet his quota...

A man stumbles out of the bar toward the parking lot so the cop starts to move in.

The man fumbles with his keys and tries to push them into the lock then drops them onto the ground. He blindly reaches down and grabs them. Tries the lock again and opens the car door.

He slumps down in...

Harambe the gorilla walked into a bar and ordered a drink.

The bartender says, "I don't serve gorillas here."

Harambe says, "you better or I'm gonna do something terrible."

The bartenders say, "oh yeah! Like what?"

Harambe points to a women slumped against the bar and says, "I'm gonna go over there and eat that woman!"

The barten...

A man has been unemployed for a long time...

finally, with the release of Stephen King's remade 'It', he gets a job posting huge billboards around the city. After some weeks however the movie was slumping, so in a desperate effort for publicity, the advertisers sent the man back out with crimson paint and a paint brush and told to give all the...

The Pope, Trump, and a Polak walk into a bar...

While they're walking in, the bartender hears them finishing up some discussion.

Trump says, "It's a deal, tremendous idea. A billion dollar contract, screen doors for every submarine in our fleet. Very, very impressive."

The pope says, "I assure you, guaranteed entry into heaven, no...

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The Goat Joke

A burly Scottish man enters a bar and slumps down at a table. The bartender, a fairly caring guy, gives him a beer on the house and asks him whats wrong. "A lot is wrong, lad."

"Want to talk about it?"

"Sure, I don't have anything more to lose. Three months. I spent *three whole mo...

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One ticket to Boobston

The year is 1993 a young upstart business executive has to take a quick trip to Boston for a board meeting.

Running late he didn't have time to have his administrative assistant call ahead and book his flight, so he decided just to do it himself once he got to the airport.

After being ...

There was a carpenter that was quite a ladies' man, who accidentally ruined one of his eyes in an accident one day

So he made himself a wooden eye, but unfortunately his good looks were spoiled because he couldn't get it to fully resemble his remaining eye, and his days of womanizing were done. The fact that women were repulsed by his eye made him grow to have trouble even talking to women, which only compounded...

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The farmer and the rooster

A farmer decides that he wants to buy a rooster for his farm. One day the farmer brings home a rooster and puts in with all the hens. Immediately the rooster begins going at it with the hens, the farmer goes inside while the rooster carries on. Hours later the farmer comes back outside and notices t...

The CEOs of United Airlines and Cincinnati Zoo want to sit down in a bar with the bar owner.

They can't find a seat but there is a booth on a wall with 3 gentleman in it.

The CEO of United Airlines says "watch this", clicks his fingers and a couple of goons come in, and roughly pull the first gentleman out of the seat.

The CEO of Cincinnati Zoo says "that's nothing", clicks hi...

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So these three friends went to a park to enjoy their Sunday.

Jim, Tim and Maximilian found a place near a tree to settle down and lay out their stuff. They'd been through a hectic week and they deserved this break, particularly Tim, who had been through the most. So they pulled out their drinks and lay it on the mat, and set up their radio to play some relaxi...

The Detroit Lions have almost assembled a team to win the Super Bowl...

All that’s missing is a great quarterback. A scout has been looking everywhere for someone good enough, but cheap enough to keep them under the salary cap.

The scout, after a long day of searching, comes home defeated. He slumps down into his chair and decides to watch the news.

As h...

3 men go to heaven

(context: this heaven is different, very different, your way of transportation is based on how many times you’ve sinned, ex. larger amount of sins = worse car, low amount of sins = better car)

3 men go to heaven, 1 man walks up to God, God asks the man “How many times have you cheated in you...

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Twas the week before Christmas

‘Twas the Week before Christmas
by Canttake Itany Moore

‘Twas the week before Christmas and all through the city

The virus still raged. The year was still shitty.

The cars sat snuggly, all still in the street.

There was no place to go. No friends to meet.

Restau...

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Dirty Johnny's mom is in the kitchen cooking dinner...

Johnny runs up to her, tugs on the tails of her skirt--
"Momma, are we having shrimp for dinner?"
She tells him, "No, Johnny, we're having meatloaf."
Johnny says, "Oh. Well, Grandma's having shrimp!"
"What do you mean Grandma's having shrimp?"

So Johnny takes his mom's hand, lea...

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Inebriated Indecency

(Sorry for mobile formatting)
Betty and Barry, a middle-aged couple, went out late one hot Friday night to grab dinner. After they had finished their meal, they sat with drinks and enjoyed dessert. Barry excused himself to the restroom and Betty sat there listening and observed the other patrons ...

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Farmhouse

A city slicker wanted to buy a farm. He found just what he was looking for. During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees.

He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land.

The landowner assured h...

One day, old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair...

There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person.

Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that."

Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $...

A German officer watches over his outpost during the Great War.

He's polishing his handgun when one of his soldiers below sounds the alarm. Down he rushes, gun in hand, to see a battle going on between his men and the British. He joins his men, and the fight seems to go on for hours. The gunfire only stops when out of the sky comes an artillery shell, destroying...

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A trucker stops at a random bar along the highway for a drink...

When he walks in, he immediately sees a large jug of tequila sitting in the corner, untouched by all of the other patrons. He says to the bartender



"Hey, what's with the jug over there?"

The bartender replies, "You haven't heard about the house challenge?"

"No, I haven't...

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Two rednecks are at work, digging a trench

Two rednecks, Billy and Bob, are at work digging a trench. The sun is beating down on them, sweat is dripping off their faces, and their hands are blistered from the shovels.

After slogging away at this for days, they start to grumble at the misery of their lot. Eventually Billy says to Bob,...

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Mailman's last day on the job

A mailman is on his last day of the job after 20 years delivering the mail on the same route. He is going about his regular routine, when he is greeted at the door by a stunning blonde. She's wearing nothing more than a skimpy robe and beckons him inside. Without a word she leads him up the stairs a...

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My Father Was An Inventor

When I was a kid he would invent the most amazing things, and I was fascinated with every thing he invented. He would start a new project at the beginning of every month, and it would always be done at the end of the month, and I would always be the first to see his new invention.

One year th...

CIA Agent arrested in Russia

A CIA agent is arrested in Moscow and charged with spying. The agent is fluent in Russian and has had years of specialised training on how to blend in with the Russian people. he's the perfect sleeper agent.
Down in the darkest dungeons beneath Kremlin the Russian Secret Service (FSS) begin thei...

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[NSFW] Granddad and Grandson are out fishing

Granddad and Grandson are out fishing. Granddad reaches into his overall bib pocket and pulls out a pack of cigarettes.
Grandson looks on and says "Granddad, can I have one?"
Granddad taken back by the question fumbles for a response and asks "we'll grandson, umm can you dick touch your ass ho...

One day Mr. Rabbit was hopping through the woods..

He was out hopping through the woods, enjoying nature. After hopping around for a while he came across Mr. Deer, who was sparking-up a joint. Mr. Rabbit approached him and said, "Mr. Deer, you don't need that stuff. We have all of this beautiful nature to enjoy. Put that out, and come frolic wit...

Staking a claim

In 1897 a young man set out for adventure from the frontier city of Seattle. He'd risked his entire life savings to make the trek to the Yukon to prospect for gold.

He started his journey full of excitement and hope. he'd purchased his 2,000lbs of gear and supplies and two fine stock horses t...

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Three men walk into a bar.

The first man looks like he hasn't had any sleep in days. His clothes are ragged and torn, and his face is clammy and unshaven. He sits down on the stool and slumps over in a groggy state.

The second man is in a similar state, but is wearing a suit. His tie is strewn over his shoulders, and h...

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A Visit to the Hospital (can be told long or short)

A religious man walks into a hospital hoping to do a good deed by visiting the sick. The man has passed the nurse at the front desk and is looking around to find a sick person to cheer up. He looks all over the hospital but he just cant seem to find any sick person that isn't being visited! Finally ...

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[Long] An ex-CIA operative named Arti had a younger sister always getting into mischief...

Arti's sister was beautiful, you see. She would use her looks to get things she wanted, but when she got in over her head, she'd always fall back on big brother Arti's special set of skills to help her out. And since he retired early (after becoming partially disabled saving the President's life fro...

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For the last time, NO! NO! NOOOO!

So, there's this man. He's young, healthy, reasonably attractive, good job, etc.

Only problem is, he has a 25 inch penis. This might might sound great if you're a 12 year old, but it soon becomes the bane of his existence. Every time he meets a nice lady, eventually things lead to the bedroom...

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Divorcee

Heard this from a friend a couple years back...

A man named Ted has recently been divorced. It was ugly; his wife got the dog, the nice house in the suburbs and the car, and Ted is forced to stay in a shitty motel in an even shittier part of town. Depressed and with nothing left to lose, Ted...

Roman Numerals are very interesting... [LONG JOKE]

You turn on the radio one morning to find another one of those Rap songs where every 4th word is a swear. Naturally the Radio bleeps it out, but you realize that it sounds familiar. You realize that the rappers are speaking in Morse code.

Your eyes widen as you swerve over onto the shoulder ...

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