UPJOKE
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What food makes woman’s sex drive go down?

Wedding cake

What's it taste like when you go down on old people?

Depends

A Frenchman, an Englishman, a Russian, and a Ukrainian are on a a plan when the plane's engines fail and it starts to go down.

The pilot grabs one of the parachutes and jumps from the plane. The remaining passengers see that there is only one chute left, and quickly do the math.

The Englishman stands up, straightens his tie, says "God save the Queen!" and jumps from the plane.

The Frenchman, not wanting to b...

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Guido's girlfriend had finally convinced him to "go down" on her.

Later he was discussing it with one of his associates.

"So, how was it?" asked his associate.

"It's a little bit like being in the mob," replied Guido. "One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit."

You know how captains tend to go down with their ships?

I always thought that was a weird hull to die on.

how do people in wheelchairs go down stairs?

Quickly.

Every day I go down to the harbour and throw fish to a baby dolphin. My friends say it's a waste of time.

But at least I'm serving a youthful porpoise.

I was at the courthouse today and witnessed a 4 foot tall felon go down a flight of stairs....

It was a little condescending.

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Farmer Joe decides to go down the road to visit his friend Eb.

When he arrives at Eb's farm he hears music coming from Eb's barn.

Going to take a look Joe finds Eb dancing naked around his John Deer!

Taking a step back Joe asks Eb what the heck he's doing?

Eb explains, "Well to be honest me and my woman's been having problems in the bedroom...

My friend and I frequently give conjugal visits to an all-female prison, to remind the inmates what it's like to have a selfless guy go down on them.

It just gives us some scents of perp-puss.

One evening an old farmer decided to go down to the pond

One evening an old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young ...

I met this girl Mary on tinder and took her to an all you can eat buffet I knew it wasn't going to work out when she told me she was a vegetarian so I decided to go down with guns blazing.

She came back with her salad to find me with my plate loaded up with every type of meat I could get my hands on.

I was shocked, though pleasantly surprised, when she asked for a bite of my kabab.

Mary had a little lamb.

A samurai’s wife asks him to go down on her

He responded it’s Bushydo

I couldn’t figure out why my laminate flooring wouldn’t go down...

And then it clicked.

What do you call Batman who leaves after you ask him to go down on you?

Christian Bale

If a firefighter's business can go up in smoke, and a plumber's business can go down the drain...

...can a hooker get laid off?

What do you call hillbillies who go down on their relatives?

Munchkins.

One evening an old farmer decides to go down to his pond.

He hasn’t been there in months, and feels the urge to check on things. As he gets closer, he hears loud giggling coming from the pond. He is shocked to find a bunch of young women skinny-dipping.



“Hey, what’s going on here?” he shouts, alerting the women who were standing at the water...

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Her: How come I always go down on you, but you never go down on me?

Him: My financial adviser told me not to.

Her: Your financial adviser told you not to lick my pussy?

Him: Yeah. He said if I keep eating out all the time, I'll always be broke.

Why does Santa go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?

Because it ‘soots’ him.

My standup routine didn't go down very well at the local gym.

Tough crowd.

There are 3 boys, named Stupid, Nothing, and Nobody. The boys go down to the river, and Nobody falls in the water, he cant swim, so Nothing tells Stupid to call for help. Stupid calls 911 and says...

"Hello, I'm Stupid, I'm calling for Nothing, Nobody fell in the water."

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To commemorate the occasion with a Japanese wine I decided to go down to the cellar

for old time's sake

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This blokes wife was going down to the shops, so she asked her husband if he'd like anything

"Yeah, a packet of smokes", he replied.

The wife came back and chucked him tobacco & papers to make rollies. He didn't want to start an argument, so he just thought, "Stupid Bitch", and smoked them.

The next week the wife was going down to the shops and she asked him again if he wa...

I’m gonna go down on you slowly... then when you’re enjoying it the most, I’ll work my way back up and f*ck you hard.

With love,
Gas Prices

How does Harry Potter go down a hill?

Walking




jk, rolling

Why didn't the chicken go down the slide?

He de-slided not to!!!!!

You think you can go down to Mexico and do whatever you want? Well I have news for you buddy, Mexico has laws!

That no one follows so go ahead and do your thing.

I was going down on my girlfriend

She kept trying to guide me to the right spot.

"A little to the left, no, right a bit, go down, up a little.."

I stopped what I was doing and said, "Just tell me what you want, I'm tired of eating around the bush!"

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.

They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.
She says, “I just graduated f...

I've been watching my HTZ stock go down.

It really Hertz.

Why do the older ants go up the side of the mountain and the younger ants go down the side of the mountain?

Because they're descendants!

NSFW: Why don't old men go down on old women?

Have you ever tried to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

Back when Stormy Daniels was in high school, none of her fellow classmen realized she would go down in history.

Guys were usually getting it in the gym locker room or behind the teacher's parking lot.

How often does the vampire go down on his wife?

Periodically

How did the author of harry potter go down the hill?

Walking.


J.k. Rowling



Dont know if this has been posted here but it made eveyone look at me weird on the lrt.

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When i go down....

Jean Pierre, popularly known as JP among his friends was a fighter jet pilot of the French air force.

One day he took his girlfriend to the park for a picnic. Since he wanted to be really romantic, he packed the picnic basket himself.

Hours later, JP and his girlfriend were having a g...

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"I go down. I've gone down 2 or 3 times, all for inspection."

Well no fucking wonder why Melania never looks particularly happy.

Why did the toilet roll go down the hill?

Because it wanted to get to the bottom.

What’s Harry Potter’s favorite way to go down hill?

Walking...J.k Rowling!

It’s an oldy but thought I’d share

My driver's side window won't go down.

So I guess I'm on a diet now.

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[True Story] So today I had to get three wisdom teeth pulled and I jokingly told my girlfriend that I was going to ask the dentist how long before I had could go down on my girlfriend?

Well that was too just funny and just between us. "Maybe I should ask how long after the surgery before I can suck a cock again?"..we both laughed hard. But omg the anesthesia must kicked in and I ACTUALLY asked the doctor. I don't remember a thing my gf relayed everything later. But I was insistent...

A guy walks up to a girl in the bar with his fist closed and says........I will go down on you if you can guess what I have in my hand.

The girl says........The empire state building.

The guy says..........That's close enough.

A coworker yesterday had some coffee go down the wrong way and he was having a time of it.

I asked if he was ok. He said, "yeah, that's why they call it 'cough-ee'"

I'm dating an older woman. When i go down you know what it tastes like?

Depends...

I'm always willing to go down on a handicapped girl

Momma always taught me to eat my vegetables.

I was worried that my new T-shirt would go down a size in the wash

Then the unshrinkable happened

Welcome to the 23rd annual Leper Colony marathon! We now go down to our racers at the start of the first leg.

Aaaaaand they're off!

You might be a redneck if your girlfriend can pack a lip and go down on you at the same time...

...and still know what to spit and what to swallow.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming…

They Don’t Know I’m Only Using Blanks.

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I am going to go down on you, make you feel reall good. Then I'll slowly come back up and fuck you.

Lots of love, Petrol prices.

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I got into a fight in a bar’s bathroom the other day. I kept pushing but I ended up running out of energy, the guy just wouldn’t go down.

What a piece of shit.

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How did Harry Potter go down the hill?

Tumbling.

Fucking wizardry robes ain’t safe.

What does Audrey Hepburn say when you go down on her?

How *kind* of you to let me come.

Go down a water slide when it isn't wet.

And then you'll understand the importance of foreplay.

True story: when I was a kid I used to mix up lyrics. For example, after watching Mary Poppins, I sang "a spoonful of medicine helps the sugar go down." -My dad thought is was SO funny I mixed that line up.

Little did either of us know, I was predicting my future diabetes problems.

I'm getting ready to go down to support the woman's march.

Just waiting on my wife to pack me a sandwich.

Did you know that Santa's not allowed to go down chimneys next year?

It was declared unsafe by the Elf and Safety Commission.

I haven’t had a server go down on me that long

since New Year at Hooters.
Edit for explanation: https://techcrunch.com/2016/08/11/reddit-is-currently-experiencing-a-major-outage/

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So this man is about to go down to the bar...

...but his wife says: "You're not going to the bar again. Last time you went there you came home with puke all over your shirt!". Husband responds: "Alright, but I really want to meet up with the guys, so I promise, I'm not going to drink anything". The wife's okay with that and lets him go.

...

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A plane is about to go down...

While airborne, a plane crew discovers that their plane is carrying too much cargo and is at the risk of going down. The captain makes an announcement

"Unfortunately, due to a few miscalculations, our plane is carrying too much weight and therefore, we have no choice but to let some people o...

My wife asked me to go down to the shop to pick up six cans of sprite...

When I got to the checkout I realized I accidentally picked 7-up.

If you think Hillary is going to drop out of the presidential race, you should know Hillary doesn't go down...

That's why Bill had Monica.

Did you hear about the lady who was so crossed eyed that when she cries her tears go down her back?

She got back-tear-ia.

What do you call it when you go down on a paraplegic?

Meals on wheels

Roses are Red, Nuts are brown, Skirts go Up, Pants go Down, Body to Body, Skin to Skin, When it is Stiff, Stick it In, The Longer its In, The stronger it Gets, It goes in Dry, Comes out Wet, It comes out dripping,and it starts to Sag, Its not what you Think...

Its a teabag

What do you call it when your Cloud (IT) services go down?

Rain

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A guy decides to go down on a prostitute for no reason…

He's having fun until he feels like he's got a piece of food stuck in his teeth. Sure enough, he pulls out a little bit of broccoli.

"That's strange, I don't remember the last time I ate broccoli."

He keeps going and again, something stuck in his teeth. Carrots.

"It's been a rea...

What day did the Mexican boat go down in the water?

Sinko-de-mayo

What do you call a cow that will go down in history?

Legendairy

[From my young daughter]

A plane begin to go down...

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes h...

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