Two drunk guys out drinking come down to their last $5

One of the Drunk guys wants to use the $5 to get more drinks, the other drunk guy wants to use the $5 for food because he’s starving. The guy who wanted more drinks had a great idea.. He said to his drunk friend, “How bout we take the five dollars and we’ll go buy a hot dog, then we’ll go to a bar ...

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The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists: a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming.

They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu".

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:


*Slowly across the desert sand
Trek...

Why does Santa prefer to come down the chimney?

It soots him.

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Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table.

The mother asks the oldest boy what he'd like to eat. “I'll have some fuckin' French toast,” he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. “Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin' French toast for me,” he says. She is livid...

Why does Santa come down the chimney?

Mrs. clause told him he’d never be allowed to come in the back Door.

How do you get a squirrel to come down from a tree?

Take off your pants and show him your nuts

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Jesus decided to come down on earth after 2000 years

And wanted to save people. He saw an old lady, looking rather devoted religious type, long coat, veggie cart etc. He walked up to her and said "Hi, I'm Jesus and I'm here to save you". She started hitting him with her bag, shouting "Get lost you heretic!". Sad Jesus continued his soul saving quest.<...

Why does Father Christmas come down the chimney?

It helps him slide down with ease,

Why did the Berlin Wall come down?

It didn't match with the iron curtains.

What goes up, but doesn't come down?

The USA's debt

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone get...

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job.

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job.

The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him t...

A drunk comes walking down the street and stops a cop

"Man, someone stole my car" he tells the officer.
"Alright, where was it?" Asks the cop.
The drunk replies "it was right on the end of this key"
The cop looks at the drunk with an eyebrow raised and says, "well why don't you come down to the precinct house with me and we'll get all of the...

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A guy loses his right arm and he's considering to take his life

He walks by the subway station waiting for the moment when the train arrives to the station to make a leap of faith into the train rails.

When the train is about to arrive he sees a guy without both of his arms coming down from the stairs, dancing jumping and spinning around.

He appro...

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season.

He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove.

He decided he would set up a Christmas light display like he'd heard about others doing. It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventual...

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Haven't seen the gorilla on a building joke. It's my favorite.

An apartment manager comes into work and his high-rise one morning and finds a gorilla five floors up hanging on the side of the building. He calls animal control and they say they'll send their best man out.

Animal control truck pulls up half hour later, and a big guy jumps out, introduces h...

Why is Santa white?

Because that's the only way to convince people to be happy for a guy to come down their chimney while they slept

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What do you want for breakfast?

3 young boys come down to breakfast in the morning.

Their mom, looking a bit put out, looks at the oldest boy and says, "What'll you have for breakfast?"

The boy replies, "Aw hell mom, I'll have some Cheerios"

The mom whacks him 3 times on the head and yells, "go to your room!"<...

A man wakes up after a night of drinking to see a single red rose on his bedside table.

Beside the rose is a glass of water, two Advil, and a note from his wife. The note says, "Hi honey, the pills are for your headache. When you're ready, come down to the kitchen and I'll fix your favorite breakfast. Love you!"

He also notices that he is still in the clothes he was wearing la...

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A homeless man is walking across a bridge...

A homeless man (a particularly homeless-looking homeless man) is walking across a bridge and comes across the most beautiful woman he's ever seen standing at the edge, ready to jump off. He goes over to her and says

"Miss, you can't do this! You're so beautiful and there has to be so many g...

Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months.

The only other thing on the island was a tall coconut tree, which provided their food.
And each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree to see if he could see a rescue boat coming.

One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow. I can't believe my eyes. There is a girl...

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Mom wants her son to go to school.

A mother was making breakfast for her son and when he didn’t come down for breakfast she went up to his room and said “come on, your breakfast is ready and you’re going to be late for school.

From behind his closed bedroom door the son replies “ I don’t want to go to school.”

Mom repl...

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Two jokes. One post.

So, three guys are walking down the street, when they notice a large mud deposit, and a large pile of bricks. For whatever reason, they want to see who can throw a brick the highest, to see this, they decide to each throw a brick up and see how far it sinks into the mud. The first guy throws, sinks ...

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The 25-Inch Dick

Once, there was a man who had a 25 inch dick which was obviously very troublesome for him, he consulted doctors and tried home remedies but had no effect. His mother, who was very religious told him to meet a saint. Reluctantly, he agreed. This was a special saint, who lived in the deep woods of Ind...

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Buddy’s wife is in coma and doctor wants to try just one more thing before giving up hope...

Doctor calls Buddy and explains that it has been 3 months that wife has been in coma and they’ve tried every conventionally excepted medical procedures in effort to revive her. He asks Buddy to come down to hospital to try an “unconventional - non-medical” procedure. Buddy arrives and the doctor sug...

The kingdom of the ogre.

Once upon a time, an evil ogre ruled over the land of the Trids. Most of the time he left his subjects alone, and even managed the kingdom quite well, and times were prosperous. But once a week, he would come down from his hilltop castle and spend an hour *kicking* every Trid he saw. Doesn’t matt...

An elderly man in Florida had owned a farm for many, many years

. It had a large pond in the back
that was perfect for swimming, so he fixed it up
with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some
orange and lime trees. One afternoon the old
farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it
over since he hadn't been there for a while and
grabbed a ...

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Dr visits an Indian Tribe

A big city doctor visits an Indian tribe full of men, he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?" "Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go...

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Man wanting to commit suicide

So a man in his mid 40's just got fired from his job as a watch salesman. He goes home in his broken down car to break the news to his wife only to find out that she's been cheating on him with his extremely successful best friend. "Thats it" he thinks and jumps out his window. Unfortunately he land...

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Called in Sick to work.

Called my boss and told her I had come down with a horrible case of anal glaucoma..... I just couldn't see my ass going into work today.

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Tax Man (long)

One morning, a man got a call from the IRS.

IRS Agent: "Mr. Smith, we have noticed some large discrepancies on your account. We would like for you to come down to our office so that we can clear this issue up."

Mr Smith: "Gee, that sounds like a big deal. Should I bring a lawyer?"
...

Do you know the joke about the stupid guy on the tree?

Then come down that I'll tell you.

Decided to rename my Bank app to Onion

Every time I open it the tears come down my face

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DOOM

The police officer approaches me slowly, his hand on his pistol. “Sir, can you please come down from that tree?”

“Not a chance!”

He surveys the destruction all around us. “What happened here?”

I stare at the smoking remains of my house and mutter, “Doom.”

The Police offic...

Joe wenton vacation to Cuba and asked his best friend to care of his mom and his cat.

After a week in Cuba, Joe gets a call from his friend.

Joe: Hey what's up man, how's everything back home?

Friend: Your cat died.

Joe: What?! You can't just call me and tell me my cat died.

- You could have made a first call and say: "Your cat is stuck in a tree and won'...

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A woman is in a coma, and the nurse..

... tending to her notices that whenever she is sponge bathing the woman, the woman's vital signs jump a little on all of the machines an screens.
So the nurse calls the husband and says 'come down to the hospital, i think i know how to get your wife out of this coma.' so the husband hurries dow...

I was once driving down the road..

..where I read a sign which said,
“Speed limit 30km”
I slowed down to 30km/h
A little further, another one
“Speed limit 20km”
I had to slow down even more,
Moving on, I saw another one
“Speed limit 10km”
My speedometer had come down to 10km/h
Not long after that, there was...