UPJOKE
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Strict Jokes

A girl from a strict family.

There was a girl from a very strict family. Her father absolutely hated fruits and no one in the family was allowed to eat them. As far as the girl knew her Uncle had died from choking on an apple which is why they were banned.

All through her school years she longed to taste any fruit, s...

A strict submarine captain is reassigned to a new submarine...

... after a few days of laying down new rules, enforcing them strictly, and allowing the crewmen nary a minute off, he saw derogatory posters about him taped around the craft.

Calling for his first officer, he said:
"First Officer, I demand that the submarine be scoured, and every one of t...

My Hawaiian HOA passed a noise ordinance so strict that I can't even laugh out loud.

All i can do is a low ha.

I am on a strict diet of 1200 calories per day

Luckily, the doctor didn't say anything about the nights.

The first rule of Strict club is...

Don't

Miley Cyrus is a strictly american phenomenon...

most everywhere else in the world, she'd be Kilometery Cyrus

Without a mask on, I shopped at a store that had a strict mask policy.

Before leaving, I asked the security guard why he let me shop without a cover and he said that Halloween masks are acceptable too. :\_(

Why is the army so strict about their uniforms?

To minimize casual tees...

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Why does Japan have such strict BMI regulations?

They remember what the first fat man did to them.

Why are libraries so strict??

They have to go by the book..

A man walks into a monastery where the monks practice a regimen of strict silence.

Wishing to join their ranks, he agrees to the rules: silence is paramount, and it is forbidden to utter even a single unnecessary word.

After five years of utter silence, the man raises his hand at lunch, signaling for permission to speak. Permission is granted, and he says two words: “I’m co...

Why did the strict grammar teachers break up?

He missed a colon, she missed a period, and they both hated contractions.

My college has a strict "No Enrollment" policy

No acceptions.

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There once was a country with strict population growth rules.

The population was so low, the government had enacted a law that required all couples to have children within 5 years of their marriage. Should a couple fail to produce a child during this period, a government official would be sent to "get the job done".

Such was the situation of a couple, w...

The Italian government has imposed strict curfews.

Absolutely no Roman the streets.

People in the gym always ask me how I got so big

Being a bodybuilder, people are shocked at how big I am. Many of them ask “how did you get so big?!” I tell them that it’s simple. I
Followed an extremely strict diet of raw oats and milk. Seriously. I ate nothing but raw oats and milk for two years and *literally* doubled in size!


Bu...

I keep my house in strict military order.

My kitchen is always a mess.

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My doctor put me on an extremely strict diet of fruit, vegetables, and protein.

My wife’s totally behind it, but I’m allowed one cheat-day so on Mondays when we go to her family’s I nip out into the orchard and fuck her sister.

Did you know there was a Jedi from Italy who was really strict about diets?

His name was Only One Cannoli.

I'm excited to announce I'm starting my new company that strictly replaces fuses.

When customers come to me to have fuses replaced I'll be able to refuse but still get paid.

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Vlad the Impaler must have really hated strict people

Because most of his enemies had a stick up their ass...

This joke is nuts but its strictly for northeasterners

The rest of you no pecan

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[Long] [NSFW] Three couples wanted to join a very strict church.

As they met with with the Membership Committee, the Lead Elder told them they could join if they passed a simple test of purity.

"All you need to do it abstain from sexual intercourse for six months," he said. "Do that and you are in."

Six months passed and the three couples returned t...

The Bayeux Tapestry is not strictly accurate historically.

The whole story has been embroidered. Typically, by the winners. Some say it was a stitch-up!

He asks: “You got anything strictly theoretical?”

A tachyon walks into a bar

The entry requirements of the Polish Club are strict...

You have to have an untarnished reputation.

I'm strictly against cigarettes.

So I burn them.

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What happens on a strict ship?

The seamen go anal

George Washington had enacted a strict army policy about cherry trees

Dont axe, dont tell

A friend asked me "As a young boy, was your mother very strict?"

I said "Let's get one thing straight, my mother was *never* a young boy."

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender rema...

The medical code of ethics is way too strict. Apparently, I’m not allowed to marry a patient even if we’re in a consensual relationship.

I’m really starting to hate being a veterinarian.

A strict vegetarian crashes his plane in the middle of the country and has to find his way to civilization.

A strict vegetarian crashes his plane in the middle of the country and has to find his way to civilization. Due to a tragic experience as a child, he refuses to eat meat; he says the idea of eating what was once a living animal disgusts him and he could never enjoy eating meat. According to his ma...

What do you call it when cephalopods start becoming more strict about things?

Kraken down.

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An attractive lady is at her doctor's

She's lying on her back on the examination couch, her blouse undone and looks up into his eyes and says, "Kiss me doctor,"
"No I can't, " replied the doctor.
"Oh go on, kiss me, kiss me," she insists,
"No it's out of the question," said the doctor,
"Why's that?" She asks disappointedly.<...

Ernesto, the church gardener, would like to give his place to his friend Kamal, who is unemployed, but he knows that the priest is very strict on one point: All the staff must be Catholic. Unfortunately, Kamal is not Catholic. So Ernesto has an idea:

- Kamal, let's say you converted several years ago to the Catholic religion.

- That's nice, but I don't know anything about the Catholic religion.

- Don't worry, to verify that an employee is Catholic, the priest always asks the same questions. Since I've thought of everything, I'll ma...

Periodic abstinence as contraception can be successful, provided one meets three very strict conditions:

1. The woman must have a very regular menstrual cycle.
2. You must be able to count well.
3. And you must really love children.

Loosely translated from Herman Finkers. My favorite dutch comedian.

A man is up in court on a tricky litigation case, and his lawyer has warned him that the judge is very strict and correct. “He won’t stand for any nonsense and he knows all the tricks!”

“Well, would it help if I sent him a brace of grouse and a bottle of whisky?”

“Absolutely not!” says the lawyer. “He’s as straight as a die and completely in-corruptable!”

Come the day of the trial, the man wins his case easily, and afterwards says to his lawyer, “I knew that whisky an...

A notoriously strict professor has a policy that if you aren't in your seat at the beginning of the exam you get a 0. No questions asked.

On the day of the final, the professor sets each of the 200 exam packets on each desk before the students arrived. When the exam began every student is present except for one. About halfway through the exam time the student walks in, takes his seat, and begins.

The professor rolls his eyes a...

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Adhering to my strict religious beliefs, I asked the girl at the front desk if the porn channel in my room could be disabled.

She gave me a real dirty look and exclaimed: "We only have regular porn, you SICK FUCK!"

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In a certain country, there was a strict curfew that was brought about by the new ruling at the time.

Everyone needed to be home by 6 PM, and anyone breaking this rule would be arrested, or worse, shot on sight.

Marcelino and Santiago were two officers that made sure everyone followed this rule. Marcelino was a newbie, and Santiago's been in the force for years.

As they go about their ...

My dad had a strict rule where I couldn't go on dates if my age was on the clock...

I can't wait to be 61.

When I worked at Blockbuster back then, I had a German colleague who strictly refused to hand out "An American Tail" to customers.

He obviously had a Nein-to-Fievel job.

What do you call someone who strictly prefers white rice over brown rice?

A goddamn riceist

My wife

My wife came into the bedroom and in a strict voice she said "take my blouse off", so I took her blouse off.

"Take my shoes off", I took her shoes off

"Remove my skirt", I removed her skirt.

"Take my stockings off", slowly I took her stockings off.

"Now remove my bra", I ...

A man seeks cover in a cabin from the winter storm.

Very NSFW!

Allright, so this is a story from Norway.

It is a dark night in the winter. A small cabin is barely visible through the snow drift. A lone man, the cabin owner, sits in front of the fireplace. What little light there is comes from the fireplace and a few dim candles.
...

My girlfriend's family are quite strict. I remember the first time I went to stay with her at her parent's house, and her dad wouldn't let us sleep together.

Which is a shame, because he's very attractive.

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I got fired today, because my boss caught me masturbating with a vegetable

Apparently nursing homes have strict rules about what you can do with patients.

Putin's inner circle is trying to hide the news that the war isn't going well in parts of Ukraine from him...

They have a very strict Donetsk-don't-tell policy.

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Anniversary dinner date

For their 1st wedding anniversary, Barbara and Teddy went to dinner at Chez Francois because they had never been there before.

For their 10th wedding anniversary, Barbara and Teddy went to dinner at Chez Francois because it had a world-class bartender who made the best signature cocktails....

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A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida

He goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota ."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a ...

An man shows up for his first day of work at a strict anti-racist organization. He notices his asian boss has very dirty glasses ...

"How can you even see with those?"

"You're fired."

There was a very strict order of months who lived by a rules that permitted speaking only once on one day a year, one monk per year.

When the day came around, the monks whose turn it was stood up and said, "I don't like the mash potatoes here, they're too lumpy." And he sat down. A year later, another monk stood up and said, " I rather like the mash potatoes here, they're very tasty." Another year went by it was a third month tur...

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I’m trying to concentrate!

Three Irish monks, around 850 AD, were copying manuscripts in the library of their monastery. The monastery had a strict code of silence, allowing monks to speak only once every seven years.

So seven years pass, and the first monk says “Hey Brother Liam, how’s it goin’?”. Another seven years...

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A guy goes into a doctors office and tells his doctor he wants to live forever

The doctor says “sure I can make you live forever, but you have to do exactly as I say”

The guy eagerly agrees.

The doctor says “first you must cut out all sugar in your diet. No exceptions, come back in a month and I will give you the next step.”

The guy goes home, and for the ...

The ghost of a dead cat walks into a bar

The ghost of a dead cat carrying its severed tail in its mouth walks into a bar at 3 a.m. Only the bartender is there, cleaning up and shutting the place down for the night. The cat puts down the tails and begins to speak. "Pardon me sir, I don't know if you remember me, but I'm the cat that was st...

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I don't know why people keep asking if one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is gay.

They have a strict "Don't Ask Donatello" policy

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Three couples check into a hotel for their honeymoons.

The man at the front desk has a game he likes to play. When the first couple checked in, he asked the bride what her job was. She said she was a maid. The man thought to himself "Maids are hot. This guy's going to have a fun honeymoon."

When the next couple checked in, he asked the bride the...

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It was a dark and rainy night…..

Our hero’s car had broken down right in front of an old looking mansion.

After knocking, an old Chinese man came to the door. “ I was wondering if it’s at all possible you might have a room for me for the night. I will be out of your hair the next morning and on my way to the service stati...

A man wakes up and finds himself alone in a hospital room.

He has no recollection of how he got there. While pondering his situation, his bedside phone rings, and he answers it.

A doctor on the other end identifies himself, and tells the man: "I have really bad news. You're very sick. After your collapse yesterday, we ordered several tests, and got...

Russia will NEVER identify the Ukrainians fighting them...

They have a strict Donetsk don't tell policy.

A Priest and a Rabbi are sitting next to each other on a flight, and the topic naturally turns to religion

The priest says, "I understand pork is forbidden in Judaism".

"That's correct", the Rabbi says.

Priest asks, "have you ever tried?"

"Well, I have to admit that yes, yes I have. I was traveling, and there were no Jewish communities nearby, so no Kosher food. I walked into a del...

A lot of guys struggle to add muscle

Take my cousin, for example. He has a very strict diet and always sticks to his regimen. He never skips a day. The dude is still a skeleton, basically. Some people just struggle to add weight. Granted, his regimen mostly includes heroin, but still.

Vote Trump 2016

We havent had a presidential assassination in a long time.






Note: Its a joke guys, on /r/jokes. Dont take it seriously :)

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A bus full of catholic school girls gets in a horrible accident.

Sadly all on the bus perished and are waiting in line at the pearly gates. St Peter approaches the first girl in line.

"Mary Margaret, I have one question for you, and it is of the utmost importance that you answer truthfully. Have you ever touched a penis?"

Mary blushed a little bit...

When I die, I want to be buried in an area with lots of seismic activity

Strictly for the good vibes

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One day a man made a schedule for his wife.

He said that she had to strictly follow it or he would divorce her. It told her when to wake up, make breakfast, do the laundry, make dinner and when to have sex. Some time later the man went out drinking against his wife's wishes, so she called him and said: "I have a strict schedule and i will fol...

An Act of Malicious Conpliance

Teacher: Write a short story. You have a strict 140-character limit.

Student: Once upon a time, Snow White lived with 139 Dwarves. The end.

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Nun Joke

A young women decides to become a nun and join a very strict convent. The nuns have to take a vow of silence, but they are allowed to speak 2 words every 10 years.

Ten years goes by and the woman is brought before Mother Superior and allowed her first two words. She says "Work hard!"

...

Say the alphabets!

One day lil Jhonny had to badly go to the bathroom. His English teacher Miss. Strict didn't believe he had to go that badly and thought he was disrupting the class so told him to hold it in. Lil Jhonny kept pestering her every 5 mins until she had it. So she said recite the alphabets quickly and I'l...

Hey Jesus. How did you get abs and look so lean with muscular definition?

Jesus: Well basically a strict diet and CROSS FIT.

A snail walks into a bar

The snail sits down on a bar stool and orders a double Jack & Coke. The bartender says, “sorry, we have a strict policy on no snails in this bar”.... so then the bartender kicks the snail out.

5 days later, the snail comes back in, sits on a bar stool and says to the bartender “what the f...

What do vegan black holes say?

"I'm on a strictly planet based diet"

Reintroducing "All the children" jokes

This is a blatant repost because a year ago, I had a day full of laughs because of this thread, so I would like to give credit to /u/joschon for blessing us all with this a year ago.


Here in Sweden, there's a classic joke cycle called "All the children-jokes". They're kind of like limeric...

A woman was trying on her new fur coat.

Her teenage daughter walked up to her and said.

"Mother, do you realize that this coat is the result of the suffering of a poor, defenseless animal?"

The woman looked strictly at her daughter.

"Young lady, don't you dare talk about your father like that."

Hydrogen asks his parents, Sodium and Potassium if he can go to a party.

First, he asks his mom, Sodium. He knows that she is very strict and she will probably say no.

"Na," she says, exactly what he expects

He decides to ask his dad. He is much less strict, and was in a good mood. Maybe he can let Hydrogen go to the party.

"k," he says

Got fired from work for drinking on the job

They're strict about that sort of thing at the sperm bank.

High in High School

A friend loved to get baked everyday when we were in HS.

His parents were very strict, so I asked how he always got away with it.

No problem, he said, I just never let them see me not high.

On metaphysics

When Thompson hit seventy, he decided to change his lifestyle completely so that he could live longer.

He went on a strict diet, he jogged, he swam, and he took sunbaths. In just three months’ time, Thompson lost thirty pounds, reduced his waist by six inches, and expanded his chest by five ...

My Grandfather was a schizophrenic

He was strict but he's good people.

Grades

My mom is so strict about grades when the doctor told her my blood type is B+, she yelled and told me to do better.

I was at the supermarket, looked three freezers down and saw the most beautiful busty blonde picking out Asian dinners. I took a quick glance at her hand and saw no wedding ring! Well, as you can imagine, I promptly did what any virile, red-blooded man would do with this opportunity...

I got really nervous, said absolutely nothing, and strictly avoided eye-contact at all costs...

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Italian and a Rabbi are riding on a train together...

They get acquainted, and at one point the Italian takes some sausage out of his bag and offers some to his companion.

Rabbi asks, "Is it made from pork?"

"Yes", replies the Italian.

"Well then, I can't eat it. It's not kosher. God's law."

The Italian shrugs and eats the...

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I caught my son googling really sketchy porn sites, and I was completely heartbroken.

We are strictly a Bing family.

Two friends meet after several months in the streat and they start talking

\+ You have lost a lot of weight! You look better!

\- Yeah, I have been going to a new gym. It is near here.

\+ Oh really? Do you have a strict monitor and a dietist?

\- No, the gym is so expensive that I barely have money to eat.

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Dammit Jim

Frank and his colleagues went to their favourite bar after they signed a big contract. They celebrated with lots of beers and shots. Suddenly Frank feels unwell, goes to the bathroom and throws up, so there's vomit all over his shirt. His colleague Bob enters and sees Frank. He knows Frank's very st...

A psychologist, a general, and a government official are tasked with reducing underage crime in a sample population put under their authority. Whoever drops it the most in a year, wins. After the year is done, they have a meeting to discuss their results.

The psychologist starts: "We lowered underage crime by over 20% in the last year, mostly by introducing counseling courses, and social assistance programs."

The General goes: "Crime is down by over 30%. Turns out, strict discipline and a one-strike rule can greatly affect people's habits."...

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A vulture walks into a plane carrying two dead raccoons.

The stewardess looked at him and said, “I’m sorry sir, but we have a strict limit of one carrion per passenger.”

Martin Love was a very successful fitness coach.

He was incredibly strict and his long list of 100 rules was infamous, but you couldn't argue with the results. People always reached their target weight within a month. But this required absolute obedience to the rules, and commitment to Martin Love's regime. To make sure people knew exactly what th...

Isaac and the Catholic School

Abraham, an Orthodox Jew, has a 13 year old son named Isaac.

Isaac keeps getting sent home from school again for bad behavior. Abraham is at his wits end and doesn’t know what to do. He talks it over with his Catholic neighbor, Frank.

“I don’t know what to do with him,” sighs Abraham...

Me and my girlfriend recently broke up,

The relationship was great but her dad, he was the issue.

He was a very strict catholic, which meant when ever I’d stay over he wouldn’t let us sleep in the same bed.

Which is a shame because he’s very attractive..

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A jew is in the hospital with Coronavirus

Moishe was put into a hospital with a confirmed case of Coronavirus, and so, is obviously quarantined.

The doctor came in and Moishe asked “Doctor, what can I be treated with?”

“Well,” said the doctor, “from today, you’ll be on a strict Matzah diet.”

“Matzah diet?”

“Yeah...

My computer science professor was fired for giving a lecture in Octal

My school has very strict policies regarding eight-speech.

Once there was a stupidly large family...

Once there was a stupidly large family with 100 children, all named “One, Two, Three,” and so on.

The child named Ninety grew up to be a strict person with an average job and life. She got married and had 3 children, all of which were mischevious and often got into trouble. They became very c...

An fat old man lying in bed calls in the nurse...

A polite woman rushes in to the aid of the obese man who has been placed on a strict diet.

"I'm pregnant!" he declares. "With an elephant!"

The old man start rubbing his bloated belly in large circles.

"How interesting... Elephants are pregnant for 2 years you know" says the nur...

Strategy for arguing with your wife/girlfriend

When you are arguing with your wife or girlfriend, point your finger at the kitchen and strictly say "Go to your room!".

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A guy becomes a monk...

A guy goes to join an order of monks at an isolated monastery.

The head monk says to him, “This is a very strict order, we live simple lives devoted to silent prayer and physical labor. One of our requirements is a vow of silence.”

The guy nods.

The Monk continues, “You may spe...

Guy goes to the doctor, the doctor says: I have a bad news and a good news.

P: what is the bad news?

D: because of your condition you’ll have to live on a very strict diet. No chocolate or sweets, no fried stuff, no coffee, no meat, no bread, no milk and no milk products in general. You can eat only green vegetables. And you’ll have have to keep this diet for the res...

Woman gets test results for her husband from the doctor

Doctor: Well, ma'am, your husband can live a long and healthy life, but we have to observe a strict regimen for him, or he won't. First, no agitation. His heart doesn't take that well, so you have to speak quietly and softly to him, don't require him to make any hasty moves, don't wake him rudely an...

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Interesting fact:

Before cyanobacteria, the progenitor of photosynthesis, earth was mostly oxygen-poor and dominated by anaerobic (can live in and thrive without oxygen) bacteria. Most of these bacteria were strict anaerobes, meaning oxygen would kill them. After cyanobacteria evolved, earth became flooded with oxyge...

So a college teacher is talking to his male students...

"Access to the women's dorms is strictly prohibited. If someone is caught there for the first time, they will suffer a fine of 100 dollars. The second offence will involve a 300 dollar fine. Getting caught there for the third time will cost you a hefty fine of 500 dollars."

Suddenly, a studen...

I got a job tending to baby seals once.

I got fired the first day for using a baseball bat. I guess they had a strict club only policy!

Retirement Home

An old lady was found dead on her bed . The nurses found a list of names in her hands. The sweet old lady wrote down all the names of the men she slept with at the retirement home. She slept with everyone except one guy. The nurses then asked the old man why he did not sleep with the old lady and he...

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I was talking to my uncle about his high school years…

He said when he started high school he was the biggest trouble maker in the school. He cut classes, got in fights, smoked in the bathroom, etc etc. Said he spent half his freshmen year sitting outside the principal’s office.

Eventually he got expelled and his parents had no choice but to sen...

A woman gets her husband's test results

"Well", the doctor says, "your husband could get very old, but you have to keep an eye on him. He must not get agitated, for the least worry could worsen his heart condition. He needs to have a strict diet that you'll have to prepare for him, and you have to make sure he exercises. Keep anything awa...

Short short joke

I'm not saying my parents were too strict or unreasonable but the second my umbilical cord was cut after birth I had to go to my room and think about what I had done.

I hate when I turn on my computer at work

And it says loading your personal settings.

I'm like "Woah, this is strictly a professional relationship".

Little Johnny hears a strange sound from his mother's bedroom.

He peeps around the door and sees her lying on her bed, rubbing low down on her stomach and moaning "I need a man! I need a man!"

A few days later she comes home with a strange man and a big bag of candy, and she gives the candy to Little Johnny with strict instructions to sit in front of the...

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Sikh Joke

Each Friday night after work, Sardar would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a tandoori chicken and some meat kebabs. But, all of his neighbors were strict Catholics ... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating chicken and meat on a Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled ...

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Three surgeons are arguing what type of person is the easiest to perform surgery to

The first one says:
"Well, it's obviously librarians, because all of their organs are filed down in alphabetical order, and nothing is ever out of place!"

The second one answers:
"I disagree, the best people to operate upon are engineers; Their organs are very strictly placed exactly ...

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