UPJOKE
certaindistinctdecisivedefinitivedefinedecideddefinedclearlogicaladjectiveexactobviousuncertainreasonableplausible

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a brothel

John: I've been coming here for a while and it's becoming a bit routine. Have you got something different to try?

Madame: Well we do have a girl with a glass eye...she takes it out a let's you fuck her in the eye socket

John: OMG that's crazy, I'll have to give it a try

15 mi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Second grade teacher asks her class to use the word "definitely" in a sentence

Little Johnny raises his hand. The teacher calls on him. He asks "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"

The teacher says, "Johnny, that's not a response to the question I asked."

Johnny repeats, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"

The teacher gives in and says, "No - fart...

Acronym's Don't Have Definite....

Sorry I lost my train of thought.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher walks up to the blackboard and writes DEFINITELY

She turns to the class and says, "Today we'll be looking at the word 'definitely'. Definitely is when something is assured and there is no chance of doubt. Now, I want some volunteers to use definitely in a statement."

Little Suzy raises her hand and says, "I am definitely going to the park a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Buttons. Definitely buttons.

A couple shopping for a groom’s tuxedo is asked “would you like buttons or a zipper on the trousers?”

“Buttons”, the soon to be bride replies, “He has I jacket with a zipper and he keeps getting his tie caught in the zipper.”

Four words you definitely do NOT want to hear...

"Hi. I'm Chris Hansen."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy comes home completely drunk one night.

He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.

‘Where the hell have you been all night?’ she demands.

‘At this fantastic new bar,’ he says.

‘The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It’s got huge golden doors, a golden floor,...

One day the family cat dies

The daughter is traumatised because the cat was found on the floor, on its back, with its legs in the air. She asks "Why is she like this?"

The quick-thinking father says "Umm, it's so that Jesus can come down and carry her up to heaven". The daughter seems to accept this explanation and feel...

A definite integral and an indefinite integral walk into a bar.

The indefinite integral takes a seat next to the definite integral, and as they chat, they find they have a lot in common!

As the night goes on the indefinite integral offers to buy the two another round, but the definite integral politely declines:

.

“No thank you, I know my li...

You guys have got it all wrong, this is definitely a "peacekeeping mission".

As in Putin wants to keep a piece of Ukraine.

Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don’t make a right ...

Tomorrow I’m going to try three

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there. “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Hav...

Apparently you’re autistic if…

Apparently you’re autistic if you take things literally

Well, I’ve never stolen anything in my life so definitely not me

I've decided I definitely don't want to have children.

They are going to take the news hard.

A woman brought a very limp duck in to Dr.Santa, a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope
and listened to the duck’s
chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head
sadly and said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has
passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”
...

A wife comes back home to her husband only to find out that the building of her apartment has caught fire

The place is surrounded by fireman and police officers who are not letting anyone through. The wife hysterically goes forward shouting at them to let her through and that her husband was inside.

The Fireman tries to calm her down, tells her his condolences and that all the people that were i...

I decided to kill of a few characters in the book I'm writing

It would definitely spice up my autobiography a little.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word “definitely.” To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.

The first student raises his hand and says, “The sky is definitely blue.”

The teacher says, “Well, that isn’t entirely correct, because sometimes it’s gray and cloudy.”

Another student says, “Grass is definitely green.”
The teacher again replies, “If grass doesn’t get enough wate...

My wife sorted out some clothes she no longer wears.

I said what are you going to do with them? she replied give them to charity, I said why don't you just throw them away, she replied, there are a lot of starving women out there that will appreciate them.

I replied, anyone that fits into your clothes are definitely not starving.

Doctor: " So,you're telling me that you have a problem with one of your ears. Are you sure ?"

"YES DOCTOR....I"M DEFINITE."

The Pope takes his first trip to New York City...

The Popemobile didn't fit on the plane, so he gets an armored limousine. The driver, a Catholic, is eager to please, so he asks the Pope if there's anything he can provide, to which the Pope says:

"If it's not a bother, I'd actually love to drive, it's the only thing I miss about my pre-Pope ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens ...

Before moving to England I spent some time in Poland...

It definitely helped me polish my English.

An Englishman, Frenchman, and Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve.

"They are so calm and contemplative. They would surely be English." The Englishman says.

"No," the Frenchman says, "they are naked and beautiful, they would be French."

"My friends," the Russian begins, "no clothes, no shelter, they are sharing an apple between two, they're being wat...

The best doctor in town vs John

There is a doctor in town who can cure almost any sickness. His confidence for his ability made him put up a sign that says "If I heal you, you pay $100. If I can't, I'll give you $200". John saw this and decided to take advantage of it. He came to the clinic the next day claiming to have lost the s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bored Superman

One day Superman is flying around looking for crime. Lex Luther is locked up along with all the other villains so not much is going on. Superman sees Batman crouched next to a gargoyle on a building so stops by to see what's up. "Hey Batman what's good wanna do something?" Batman answers gruffly, "I...

A man is very ill and lying in a hospital bed

The hospital calls the family to the ward

The Father calls his eldest son Rob and says “you know the houses I have in Chiswick, 20 of them are yours.”

The son replies, “thank you so much, Father.”

The Father then calls his youngest son Harry and says. “You know the houses I have...

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me..

We all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.
Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So, I looked around my house to see things I started, and hadn't f...

Will Smith defended his wife so well…

She’s definitely going to let him watch tonight.

Reddit is definitely not the dump of the internet

Everyone here recycles. :)

My deaf girlfriend told me, "We need to talk."

That's definitely not a good sign.

My wife is definitely a 5

‘Cause she has a flat top and a curvy bottom.

My Egg died.

He died last fry day. Thank God he wasn't beaten.

Don't worry he went over easy.

He's now on the sunny side.

He's definitely in a better plate...

Donald Trump is visiting a school

In one class, he teaches the young students about a new word: 'tragedy'. Then, he asks them to use it in a sentence.

One brave girl raises her hand and offers, "If a school bus carrying 20 people drove off of a cliff and killed everyone in it, then that would be a tragedy."

"No," Tru...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When a stripper gets money that definitely has jizz on it she has to report it to the government

Because it's gross income

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.

Thanks for the updates friends, I just don't know how people get those yellowish stars and would really like to learn.
[edit] Thank you for the gold kind stranger.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

Washing machine (long)

A young (but definitely over 18) Alabama girl is sitting on her front porch, with her skirt hiked all the way up and nothing on underneath. Young (but definitely over 18) Johnny walks by and can't believe what he sees. "Hey, Thelma Lou- what's that you got there?"

Thelma Lou replies- "Well, I...

If you’re removing unnecessary things from your car, definitely take out the brakes

Those will just slow you down

Scientists have found a definite link between sugar highs and pedophilia

If you have a sugar high, you've probably eaten too many lolis.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.