UPJOKE
situationstigmatismpreconditionstateimmunitystipulatestipulationstatusqualifyshapeinnocencepuritypurenessreinstatementhairlessness

Conditions Jokes

I have two conditions in my will...

1) I want my remains spread around Disney World

2) I do not want to be cremated

A man crosses the Mexican border seeking better living conditions for his family.

Then his constituency calls for him to resign as a senator from Texas.

i call myself terms and conditions

because y'all keep ignoring me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Moving out conditions

Bella called up a pet store and said,
“Could you please send me ten thousand cockroaches.”
“What in the world do you want with ten thousand cockroaches?” asked the clerk.
“Well,” replied Bella, “I am moving out of my apartment today and my lease says I have to leave the place in the s...

Dr. Parker, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly,
Dr. Parker, I do not think that is a proper question to
ask me, you should be asking a boy. And I assure you my
parents will hear of this." With that she sat down, very
red-faced.

Unperturbed, Dr. Parker called on Miss John...

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her… As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions."First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees."What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.

The appointed hour comes and goes and Cinderella doesn't show up.

Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, l...

Why do people who own magazines have mental health conditions?

Because obviously, they have a lot of issues.

What skin conditions do chickens get?

Eggsma.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My parents treat me like Terms & Conditions

They don't give a fuck what I have to say

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Damn girl, are you the Terms and Conditions?

'Cause nobody gives a fuck what you sayin'

My girlfriend is like terms and conditions

Because I ignore everything she says and then agree with her.

What do air conditions and computers have in common?

They work fine until you open Windows.

A inspector visits a sanatoriun to check its conditions.

During the tour the director takes him to one of their newly designed test rooms, claiming its foolproof.

"We fill up this bathtub to the brim see? Then we hand to the inmate a spoon and a cup and ask him to empty the tub" Says the director

The inspector nods and replies with a smile "...

Never trust a website with purple terms and conditions.

They clearly violet your privacy.

Of all the conditions inherited,

Impotency can’t be.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pope contracts a rare terminal illness.

The best specialists were quietly called in from around the world for consultation. After much debate and research, they determined that the only hope to save the Pope's life was for him to have sexual relations with a woman. His advisors were notified and they in turn spoke in confidence with the p...

Why are working conditions at the Tyre shop so poor?

Because the squeaky wheel gets replaced

The Robinhood app has a rating of 4.7 stars in the app store.

But current market conditions prevent us from allowing investors to add new stars. You may only remove stars until conditions improve.

Adam & Eve were the first people...

... that didn't understand the Apple terms and conditions.

President Trump begrudgingly updates his conditions by simply Tweeting:

Coughfefe

A general visits an army hospital to check on the conditions and inspire the troops.

Its WWIII, trench warfare is living hell, and the men could really use some inspiration. The general starts talking to the wounded soldiers.

He goes up to the first man and says: “What brings you in here son?” The soldier replies: “sir, I got dysentery in the trenches, something awful.” The g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Conditions

A man was sitting in a pub when all of a sudden the most beautiful woman ever walked up to the bar and sat down next to him. The man immediately asked her what the conditions would be to make her his wife. 'Three things' she said 'First you would need a huge house with a swimming pool, second an exp...

I want Treach to write a book but only under two conditions.

1. He uses the pen name Nature

2. He titles the book Naughty

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Terms & Conditions

The zoo acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the zoo vet found the female gorilla was on heat and there was no male of the species.

The zoo management discovered that one of their staff ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors,

all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news. The bad news was that the Pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was tha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Damn girl. Are you Apple’s terms and conditions?

Because I don’t give a fuck what you’ve got to say

What kind of barrier would be most likely to contest it's working conditions?

A picket fence.

Why don't neckbeards hit on people with heart conditions?

Because people with heart conditions take beta-blockers.

An Australian,A Frenchman and An indian are talking about the driving conditions in their respective countries.

The Australian says: We're such good drivers, that we can go 10 feet within a cliff and not fall off!

The Frenchman, looking to appear better than his British Texan counterpart says:Oh yea? We're such good drivers that we can go within 5 feet within a cliff and not fall off!

The Indian...

An English man and an Irish man are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast

for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fe...

A blonde got caught in a blizzard… It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure en...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jihadis on strike for better dying conditions

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-week strike onWednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday, when Al Qaeda announced th...

caution: high altitudes under certain conditions can cause a bloody nose

Like on Mt. Shasta I heard a guy saying, "I just wanted to show people that it's possible to do things like hiking and Crossfit on a vegan diet, and besides I needed something to do after I retired at 30 on my Bitcoin investments" so I punched him in the nose.

How did the extreme campers describe their living conditions?

Intents!

A researcher is doing a study about psychology under certain physical conditions...

He had his subjects lay on a table, then tilted the table making either their feet or their head higher. He then asks a series of yes or no propositions and records their responses.

“It seems to me that with feet tilted up, questioners respond more negatively to the questionnaire, but the o...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.