UPJOKE
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Void Jokes

You can try to fill the void with food

But it will never work if you keep swallowing it.

What did the infinite say to the void?

This could go on forever.

The man who coined the term 'void'...

...is called a genius for nothing.

here lately i've been feeling a void in my life...

it's probably nothing.

Yesterday, I legally changed my name to "Void"

Today I'm headed to the bank to cash a load of blank checks!

What's the difference between a poorly designed user interface and Georges Perec's novel A Void?

One is known for a lack of ease of use and the other for a lack of use of e's!

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A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk, and an atheist walk into a restaurant

A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk, and an atheist walk into a restaurant.

After they put in their orders, the three strike up a conversation about what they believe awaits them in the afterlife.

The priest says, "I try to live my life according to God's word, so that I may go to the g...

My mother died a few years ago. I recently came across her death certificate and had a brilliant idea!

"I know how we can bring mom back!" I exclaimed. "Get me a Sharpie!"

My sister, looked at me confused, "Why?"

I pointed to the border of the certificate, "It says 'void if altered'!"



(This actually happened and my sister didn't find it very funny. But we each deal with g...

An Inuit man walks into a pet store...

An Inuit man walks into a pet store holding a dead, bloodied seal, he screams at the owner "SOMEONE HAS CLUBBED MY SEAL, I DEMAND A REFUND!" The owner looks at him and says, "Sorry, warranty void if seal is broken."

An oceanarium took out an insurance policy on their trained seals.

One day one of their seals got injured and needed treatment. However, the insurance company rejected their claim.
The reason was: "Warranty void if seal is broken."

I created a wormhole, but it doesn’t work.

Now it’s just something to a-void.

A brunette, redhead and blond went to a remote fitness spa deep in the mountains for some fun and relaxation.

After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded ...

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Me: "i'm terrified of those big empty spaces people yell into."

Therapist: "A void."

Me: "Good advice, thank you."

A man woke up sobbing

"The world is a cruel uncaring void!" he cried. "Pleasure is fleeting but pain is eternal! Hope is a mirage! What cruel God made this reality!?"

Next to him, his wife stirred.

"Oh honey...is it Monday already...?"

I heard Dark Jokes were back.

Hopefully not as dark as the empty void in my life that needs filling. This isn't a joke, its my life. If its not one and the same.

Nihilist Horse Walks in to a Bar

A Horse walks into a bar.
The Bartender sees such a vivid depth
of despair and dissatisfaction in the Horse's eyes,
like the Horse has stared into the abyss
and found the infinite void of nothingness so deep
that the Horse could no longer believe
that he himself nor anyone nor anyt...

I just realized when you turn 18 your government free trial has ended...

you can terminate your contract but it voids all other assigning contacts permanently.

There was a blond, brunnete, and a red head

They were walking down the street when a van pulled up.

The guy in the van said that he had a magical mirror.
If you tell it the truth then you get a wish.

If you lie, then you get sucked into the endless void.

The three decided to try it out and the red head went first. ...

My fiancee and I have matching engraved wedding bands ready for the wedding!

Inscription reads: waranty void if removed

Waiting on God

There once was an old lady, with 3 grown sons, who was losing her house. She told them, "Don't worry, boys, I've been praying and the Lord will come through for me!"

The next day, one son wins the lottery. She's happy for him, but she won't accept any money to save the house. She says, "I'm...

Revenge of the penguins

There is this large group of penguins living their peaceful, penguin lives.

One day, a ship crashes and sinks nearby. A polar bear swims to the ice from the sinking ship and quickly falls asleep, obviously exhausted from his ordeal.

The penguins, having never seen a polar bear, th...

Me on the Ellen show

Ellen: So I heard you like nothing

Me: Yup

Ellen: “the void starts swallowing up the entire studio”

Me: OMG Ellen you didn’t!

She said, "boy, I know you got ulterior motives. You can't fool me." I told her, "nah, girl I got one clear motive."

^to ^fill ^this ^ever-deepening ^void ^of ^loneliness.

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Holmes and Watson are out on a camping trip

Finally away from work, Dr Watson and Sherlock Holmes decide to spend there time off the great outsiders They set up their camp, get a fire roaring, put up their tent and get ready for the evening in the wild. After a nice meal, the two detectives decide it’s time to head on to bed. They both crawl ...

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A man is hospitalized

He is stable. While not entirely bed ridden, he cannot move far without assistance. He feels a sudden urge in his bowels. He hits the call button to get assistance to go to the commode. Alas, he is unable to void. Several more times, he has the same sensation, summons the nurse, and again and again ...

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There once was a man who loved tractors

I mean he absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor porn(which is not easy to find mind you). The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was the love he felt for his wife. His high sch...

A man sells his soul to the devil

He’s down on his luck and needs money in the worst way. The devil appears to him and says I can give you all the money you need, just sell me your soul and your money problems will be gone. The devil even promised him not to take his soul for another ten years.

The man decides to make the dea...

You might as well shoot for the stars because...

Best case scenario you succeed and are immediately vaporized into nothing. Worst case scenario you miss and fade into the endless void of nothing.

Sherlock and Watson are camping in the woods.

They set up their tent before dusk, and get right to sleep.

At 2:17 A.M., Sherlock wakes up, and shakes Watson awake. He says to Watson, "What do you see out there?"

Watson stares at the countless stars, and says "God has set before us a vast void, and filled it with celestial snow. Tr...

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There were 3 men.

There were 3 men who grew up together in a small town Jim, George, and Jerry. They were known for the quirks, Jim being a fire bug, George being a nature lover, and Jerry being a deep sea diver. One day Jerry happens upon a bottle with a note on it along the coast. He rushed to show his friends hi...

Ghandi was a what?

So we all know how Ghandi was a wonderful person and a pioneer in the non violent protest movement. But there are some facets of his life that add up to a very rare diagnosis.

First of all, he walked everywhere barefoot which made his feet very tough.

Secondly his diet was comple...

Do you guys know the difference between "girlfriend" and "girl friend?"

... that little empty void in the middle..

Known as the "friend zone" ..

Nietzsche runs into Plato in the afterlife...

Plato seemed to be going somewhere so Nietzsche hailed him.

"Where are you going Plato?" he asked.

"I'm going to see the void beyond the boundaries of all existence" Plato answered.

Nietzsche was taken aback by this. "Don't do it Plato!" he begged, "When you gaze long into the a...

OC science joke

There was a young man who was fed up with all the bias in news networks everywhere and vowed to make his own set of news channels that would be void of any and all bias. As he was not a wealthy man he had to find ways cut costs in making his network. He managed to make an odd deal with all his suppl...

The deep hole [PG]

Two guys, Jim and Dwight, were out for a hike. While on their jaunt they came across a pitch black hole the size of a minivan. Amazed Dwight walked carefully to the edge. He looked into the utter darkness and exclaimed "Woah! Hey Jim, how deep do you think this goes??"


Jim saunt...

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[nsfw]-ish Three vampires enter a bar

Three vampires enter a bar. The first is small and nonthreatening, walks up to the bar and timidly requests a wine glass of the finest blood, AB- if it's available. The bartender serves him a glass of the '82 Shatner and recommends a cheese to go with it.

The second vampire is quite large and...

The Oldest Profession

A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession was the oldest.
In the course of their arguments, they went all the way back to the Garden of Eden. The doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the sto...

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The Advice

In the province of Punjab, lived Joe- the most desirable man in the entire world. The prettiest women all around the world desired to have him, and Joe, who co-incidentally happened to be a big fan of The Office, was aware of the effect he had on women.

Joe was very clear that he wouldn’t le...

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The creation of a pussy, improved version.

Each man was a master-of-craft at his trade,


Now by God in his wisdom a task they'd been laid.


See them gathered together, by calling divine


to fashion a vulva of peerless design.


The first man, a butcher of eminent skill


took a hold of his bla...

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An ex-businessman, now bankrupt, is preparing to jump off a bridge...

As he's about to step into the void, a hand grabs him from behind.


He turns back annoyed and sees that the hand belongs to an old bearded overweight guy.


"Why did you stop me you old fool?"


"Have you gone mad my son? You were about to kill yourself!" The old ma...

Credit to /u/Poem_for_your_sprog

He sat and sighed beside the road -

His engine's gasket blown.

His car was old and cold and towed.

The man was left alone.

-

'I need to find a place to stay

Until it's fixed,' he spoke -

But as he rose to walk away

Arrived a band of folk.
...

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Man rules

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitc...

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