I opened my GIF file and there was something wrong with it. The computer screen became blank and the GIF came to life. The man from the GIF rushed toward me , said something and sprinted out of my room

He said "I'll be back in a GIPHY"

I bought a Thesaurus, and when I got home I found that all of the pages were blank!

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The FBI had an open position for an assassin

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the ci...

The other night a played a blank CD on full blast.

The mime next door went nuts.

Three students at the CIA Academy were about to graduate.

The instructor called them into a room and said to the first one,

“Take this gun and go into the next room. I want you to assassinate whomever you find there. If you don’t do this, you don’t graduate.”

The man took the gun and went into the next room, where he found his wife. Taking o...

A kid in school hands in a blank piece of paper for his art homework.

The teacher says, "What's this?"

The kid says, "A picture of a cow eating grass."

The teacher asks, "Where's the grass?"

The kid says, "The cow ate it all."

"Ok, then where's the cow?"

"It left because there was no more grass."

A dog went to the telegram office one day. He took out a blank form and wrote on it..

"Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."

Then he handed it to the clerk.

The clerk examined the paper and said to the dog, "You know there are only nine words here? You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."

The dog replied, "But that would make no sense ...

I got called into Human Resources today because of a couple of incidents and was asked point blank, if I knew the difference between left and right wing. I told them to screw off, as my politics was my business! They still fired me though...

...turns out aircraft are really expensive to fix...

Question in a medical board exam - Fill the blank - "When a young female faints, you immediately feel her p - - s - "

Those who answered PULSE are successful doctors today.

A Guy is being questioned in the police station, having just witnessed a murder.

They ask him if he can recall any details about the crime he had just witnessed, but the guy can't remember a single thing.

After a few hours of questioning and getting nowhere, the detectives decide to try something different and hand the guy a piece of paper and a pencil.

They ask ...

I was confused as to why my interviewer gave me a blank stare when I told her my best quality was my flexibility..

I guess she's never seen a man put both his legs behind his head before.

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The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863....

Why was the astronaut's diary blank?

It was filled with space.

Teacher: Why is your paper blank?

Me: Sometimes silence is the best answer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The teacher shows the student a blank graph

Teacher: Tell me the equation of this graph.
Student: This is fucking pointless

Almost everybody I know, has a secured WiFi but a blank WiFi password.

whenever I click 'Show Password' nothing shows up.

I'm a Responsible Gun Owner.

I did the right thing and got my gun neutered. Now it just fires blanks.

I like my (wo)men like I like my coffee: _________ (fill in the blank)

Started [**here**](http://www.reddit.com/r/Coffee/comments/f88l5/i_just_went_black/c1e1vtu), this seems like something that deserves its own thread.

Go.

**Edit**: Ok, apparently [**this was done before**](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f294e/finish_this_sentence_i_like_my_coffe...

I love watching kids running in the park...

They have no idea I'm shooting blanks

The Spy Test

Three candidates for being a spy are given the final test. Each one is given a gun and taken to a house with orders to kill whoever is in there. Unbeknownst to the candidates, at that house is each candidate's wife and the gun is filled with blanks.

The first candidate goes in and the spy m...

Two fill in the blank jokes for your particular rivalry.

1. What's the difference between a girl from _______ and a parrot?

You can teach a parrot to say no.

2. Did you hear that _________ school library burnt down?

They lost both books. One of them hadn't even been colored in yet.

Fill in the blank: Friends are like_____

mine is "Friends are like trees, if you hit them with an axe they fall over."

Bloody Passwords

PASSWORD PROBLEMS:

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage



WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a business man notices a little shop and decides he’ll check it out.

Where stands an old man. Before the business man could introduce himself. The old man, thinking that he is the town’s famed storyteller, began his great legend.

He started,”Do ye feel the sturdiness of this here frame? I built it with mine own two hands. But they don’t call me Poltroon the bu...

A man dies wearing, a succulent black suit, and his body is taken to a morgue...

.... The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives t...

I tried to think...

I tried to think of a good reason why I don't have children.

But I'm shooting blanks.

Help finish a punchline...

Hey guys, I'm writing my first ever piece of comedic material (very amateur level) and I'm trying to finish a joke. I'm looking to see if anyone can help. The situation is that I have to share a prize with someone who I feel is beneath me so the line would resemble something like this...

"I'm...

After extensive testing the C.I.A. has gotten down to it's final 3 candidates of this recruiting cycle, being 1 female and 2 males.

The recruiter tells them that in working for the C.I.A they need to be ready for anything and the final test is to prove this.

The recruiter explains that each recruit will have to go into the interrogation room that their respected husband or wife is in and kill them with the gun provided. ...

A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral.

She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.


He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"


But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.


When s...

Three men attend a job interview to join the FBI.

The first man walked into the office, and the FBI agent who was conducting the interview explained: ‘To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated and willing to obey orders. Here’s the scenario: your wife is sitting on a chair in the next room, and I want you to go in there and shoot her with this...

The CIA is recruiting three people for a top secret mission. (Long)

Their selection comes down to one final test.

The candidates are brought to a remote, undisclosed location and given a loaded firearm. They receive instructions to walk into an adjacent room and kill the person they see sitting there.

Candidate 1, a highly decorated veteran agent wit...

A Million Dollars of nothing

A 9th grade English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they'd do if they had a million dollars.

Alex handed in a blank sheet of paper.

"Alex!" yelled the teacher, "you've done nothing. Why?"



"Because if I had a million dollars, that's exactly what I wou...

After years of research and exploration, an Archaeologist discovered an ancient book...

The book was said to answer any question asked of it. Being a professional, the archaeologist took the book back to his prestigious university, which was home to several leaders of certain fields. To research the book's power in a controlled manner, the archaeologist rounds up three of the universit...

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. Th...

Heard This Joke On Qi

Three candidates for a job as CIA hitman,
First one is told, “ your wife is tied to a chair in that room, you have to take this pistol and kill her”
After two minutes, he comes out the room saying “I couldn’t do it “. The trainer tells him “if you can’t kill your wife, you can’t be a CIA hit...

Laziness is the engine of progress.

The accountant printed out 50 absolutely clean sheets on the printer. To the question “Why?”, she replied that she needed 50 blank sheets, and she did not want to count them manually.

An Odd tale

There was once a man named Odd. People made fun of him because of his name so he decided to keep his gravestone blank when he died.

Now when people pass by the burial site, they point and say, "That's Odd"

Two Americans were backpacking in Europe

...when a car pulled up next to them. The driver rolled down his window and asked in german:” Where is the nearest petrol diner?”

The two Americans, not knowing a fraction of German, stared blankly at the driver. “Sorry, but we have no idea what you are saying.”

The driver tried again ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Voodoo Dick

A man enters a sex shop, looking for a new toy to keep his wife busy while he goes on business trips. As a higher-up in his corporation, he tends to be away from home several times a month, and wants to ensure his wife stays faithful.

When he reaches the counter, he's shocked to see an old, w...

What did the cop say to the black nurse after his vasectomy?

Don’t run, I shoot “blanks”

A clown bets an old man $100 he can make him laugh. Man says "Sure, it won't happen"

Clown asks: "What do you call someone posing as a fake Italian chef? An im-pasta"

Man doesn't laugh

Clown asks: "What do you get when you cross a tiger and a bear? A tiger and a bear seeking revenge."

No response

Clown asks: "Which super hero asks the most questions? Wond...

CIA Entrance Test

3 finalists are in the running for an open CIA agent position. They're in a room awaiting their final evaluation to determine which one of them will get the job.

The first applicant is called into a separate room. There is a gun there and their spouse, seated on a chair. They are told to sho...

Square Enix, Ubisoft, EA and Valve are all in class.

They're all taking a quiz. The teacher tells them that'll have 60 minutes to complete the quiz and that they'll be graded immediately. An hour later, the teacher collects their test sheets and begins grading.

Square Enix answered every question correctly, even the extra credit essay question...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke my dad told me when I was little

Three men decide to take a hunting trip. They get to the camping site and set up their tent and immediately get ready and set out on their first day of hunting. After an hour or so one of the men, frustrated and tired of not bagging any animals yet decided to lean up against a tree and take a rest w...

A man bought a self-help book from the bookstore.

The title of the book was How to Handle Life’s Biggest Disappointments. When he opened the book to read it that night he realized all the pages were blank.

The CIA are training three men

So the CIA are training 3 guys. They give them guns and say they have to go into the next room and kill the person there. First guy goes in and comes back out and says, " I cant. Its my wife." Second guy goes in and comes back out, " I cant, its my wife." 3rd guy goes in and you hear bang bang bang ...

3 politicians are planning a gala

Harry Anand, George Bush, and Arnold Schwarzenegger decide that the gala should be a costumed event, but gave difficulty agreeing on the theme.

Eventually, Harry suggests they go as a figure for their heritage whom they respect and admire.

Arnold thinks this is a great idea, and George...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

FBI recruitment is taking place

Alot of people try and in the end 3 men qualify for the final challenge,
They call the first guy in and tell him,"your wife is sitting in there,kill her so we know that you will follow our every order"
He is shocked, he goes in, picks up the gun and tries to do it but he gives up.
They call...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

No Sex Tonight !

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion started to heat up, but then she said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill The Hunter

Bill's all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting in Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see a big black bear. The black bear says "You've got two choices. One, I maul yo...

3 Secret Service agents are on their final day of training

They’re led into a darkened room. The commanding officer has them facing the opposite way of him. He walks up to the first potential agent from behind and speaks to his ear; loudly enough so all 3 can hear, but in a smooth, calculated tone, almost whispering:

“You’ve passed every test up to ...

Does anyone know how to draw a very realistic bullet?

Because I'm drawing a blank.

There was a man named Odd.

There was a man whose name was Odd. He wasn't sure why his parents had given him that name but it had caused him problems all his life and he never liked it. As he grew older he grew to like his name even less and one day he was sitting talking with his wife and said "Honey you know that I have neve...

Boudreaux, Tibideaux, and Pierre want to work for the FBI...

But being 3 Cajuns from the south proved a challenge, since they weren't the brightest bunch, but they tried their hardest. After taking courses for 2 years the three had a good chance of passing.

It all came to a final test, a loyalty test. The instructor said to the Cajuns, "The final test ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a priest leaves the church and decides to sit at a nearby pier and watch the fisherman...

While sitting, one of the fisherman invites the priest to join him. The priest agrees and they start fishing. After a few minutes the priest pulls up a huge fish. The priest, shocked, yells out, "Woah! Look at that son of a bitch!"

The priest looks at the fisherman and says, "Please mind your...

A new guy in prison (longish)

A new guy in prison hears the other prisoners shout random numbers. "21!". The other prisoners laugh. "45!" says another inmate causing more laughter. The new guy asks what's with the numbers? A long time inmate says "When you've been locked up as long as we have you end up hearing every joke so we ...

It’s the end of spring break at college

These four buddies have an exam on Monday but decide to go out and party Sunday night anyway. They wake up and skip class because of the bad hangovers they have from all of the drinking. They walk in Tuesday and apologize to the professor, saying their car got a flat tire, hoping he’ll let them take...

[Long] Three men are interviewing for a FBI job...

The instructor sits them in a room togeather and starts out by saying, "men you three are the finest america has to offer. Gun skills, hand to hand combat, not to mention youre IQs are near genius levels. There is only one test left." The instructor walks over to a small hallway with three doors. "W...

It was scripture class time...

And as per usual, the teacher formed a circle and asked everyone to take turns reciting some verses from the bible.

“To answer before listening — that is folly and shame.”

“Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your goo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 guys were at their final test to become FBI agents.

The instructor said " ok guys during this job we have a lot of information that can't be leaked. So to prove you will do anything to keep this information confidential we have each of your wives in a separate room. I want you to take this gun and kill your wife."

The first guy takes the gun g...

A guy drives by a bridge and was stopped by a police...

Police: Congratulations sir! You are the millionth car to drive by this bridge since its opening. Here is your lucky reward of $10,000.

A reporter in stand-by rushed in to interview the lucky driver.

Reporter: Congratulations on your win! Can you tell me how do you feel now, and what w...

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