R. Kelly has been denied bail

The judge believed he was a flight risk.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So I heard R. Kelly couldn’t even put up $100k for bail.

He’s been pissing away all his money, apparently.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Lots of people are upset that R. Kelly posted bail, don't worry though

It's better to be pissed off than pissed on.

What did the fish say, when he posted bail?

I'm off the hook

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If I had a dollar for every time I got anal

I'd have enough money to bail my ass out of prison.

*Edit: Thanks for enlightening me, looks like you can't get bailed out of prison. I guess you could say my ass is fucked.

An accused criminal is brought before a judge...

The judge says, "You stand accused of stealing five million dollars' worth of gold bars. How do you plead?"

"Not guilty, your honour."

"Bail is set at five million dollars." The judge slams his gavel down.

"Do you accept payment in gold?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The teacher gave

her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher re...

Why did the Germans bail the Greeks out?

Because they took Pita on them

Why did they stop feeding cows the round bails of Hay in Texas?

Because they weren't getting a square meal.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A good friend will bail you out of jail

But a true friend will be sitting there next to you saying "damn, we fucked that one up"

The officer told me: "You're staggering".

I said: "You're quite handsome yourself"

We just laughed and laughed.

^^I ^^need ^^bail ^^money.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

DIARY OF A POM IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA

August 31
Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Karratha , Western Australia .
Now this is a town that knows how to live!
Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings.
I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday.
It was beautiful.
I've fi...

What do you call it when a priest goes skydiving?

A Christian Bail.

Christopher Nolan was directing a scene when the chopper Batman was flying suddenly burst into flames.

Nolan yelled, "CHRISTIAN, BAIL!!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I am so sick of girls calling out the wrong names during sex.

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I mean how many times do I have to tell them? My name is not "Help" or "Getoffme." Get it right. Its *Brock Turner*.

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Since many have mentioned it yes. Yes my Rape joke is innacurate to the actual events. But the entire point of the joke was to emphasis the fact tha...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A rabbi, a priest, and a black guy are on an airplane...

The plane is full of kids but only has 2 parachutes. The black guy grabs one and bails immediately.

Rabbi: Give me the last parachute!

Priest: But what about the kids?

Rabbi: FUCK THE KIDS!

Priest: Do we have time?!

What's the difference between a female farmer and Hitler's girlfriend?

One bails her hay and the other heils her bae

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Let me tell you a story of a guy named Juan.

Juan was the custodian at a local grade school. Everyone loved Juan. He was so sweet and compassionate with the kids and did a wonderful job. One day the principal came up to Juan and said:

"You know Juan, you care about this school so much, maybe you should run for the board of education"...

Stay away from uncle Bob

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to m...

How did Batman get out of religious jail?

He had to pay Christian Bail

Translated Chinese joke

Good news: Today is the little Johnny's first time flying!

Bad news: The engine caught fire as soon as he took off

Good news: He took a parachute with him so he could bail out

Bad news: The parachute failed midair

Good news: He saw a huge stack of hay right beneath him...

A request for Fish Jokes

My girlfriend really likes and jokes and fish. But when looking for fish jokes on the web i did not find anything except:

"What did the magician say to the fisherman? Pick a cod, any cod"

"Why don't fish play basketball? because they are afraid of nets"

"What did the fish say wh...

Plane Joke

There was a plane about to go down. The people who were on there were: Trump, The Pope, The Pilot, and 3rd grader. There are three parachutes. The Pope grabs a parachute and says; "I am more important" Then bails. Trump grabs a parachute and says "I am the worlds smartest man. I can't die" Then bail...

The other day a Cop pulled me over...

After asking for my documentation he said, "your eyes seem a bit red, have you been doing drugs?" To which I replied, "well now sir your eyes seem a bit glazed, have you been eating donuts?"
We both laughed and laughed some more!
I need bail money!

An old friend called asking to borrow $350 that way she could pay her rent before Christmas.

I told her I’d have to check and see how much I had in the bank and I’d call her back.

A few moments later her cousin called and asked if I’d heard from barb.

I explained she had called asking for money to pay for her rent.

Her cousin said that she was lying that the money sh...

[Long] There was this thief...

His name was John. Now John was the best there was. He had pulled off many heists and gathered millionsnof dollars. Many of the crimes were known, but the police did not know they were linked, as he used a completely different method each time.

So one day John goes to perform his biggest heis...

The police were tracking down a serial killer.

The police were tracking down a serial killer who would dismember his victims and sell their body parts. He was caught after trying to sell three feet at a yard sale. The bail cost him an arm and a leg.

a joke from the war

a man is flying a combat mission over Europe. He gets shot down and has to bail out. He breaks both his legs, is captured by Germans, then taken to a POW camp.
The first week they have to amputate his right leg. He asks one of them "After you're done, can you have one of your pilots fly my leg ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Lawyer and a dog

A man enters a lawyer's office to get some legal advice. He immediately notices that the lawyer is dressed extremely well and is standing in front of a mirror fixing his hair.

The lawyer says "I can't help you right now... I've got another client that keeps having sex with his dog."

...

A Moldy Oldie

Complaining of his marriage for thirty-odd years

He highballed his eyeballs, comforting his tears

The barkeep asked, what's troubling you son?

He poured out his life; I'm finished! I'm done!

The woman I married has turned into a nag

What I wouldn't give to be rid o...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Finnish WWII air force verteran was about to give a talk to an American high school.

He was stereotypically Nordic: pale skin, fair hair, and a heavy accent.


He introduced himself and began with a vivid description of his first dogfight in the Lapland War. "Literally the moment after we take off and got through the fog we saw them. Eight pesky Fokkers were spread out an...

A British man, a Frenchman, a Mexican, and an American are flying in a small plane oven an ocean.

...And in the middle of their flight, the pilot announces that the plane is losing fuel to a leak, and all unnecessary luggage must be thrown from the plane.

Despite this effort, the fuel leak worsens, and the pilot realizes the plane cannot reach land with its current weight.

He tel...

A fire breaks out at a large chemical plant.....

...and is blazing violently out of control. Engine companies from all over the city keep rolling in to fight the fire, but it keeps growing worse and worse. Storage tanks are exploding and warehouses full of toxic chemicals are burning so hot the firemen keep getting pushed further and further back....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Datsun cogs

There was a farmer, who owned a Datsun Ute. He used this Datsun for all his farm work, feeding the horses.. Throwing bails of hay out the back of it.. Carrying firewood and what not.
When all of sudden one day, *chug chug chug* it breaks down.

So he decides to go back to the shed to grab h...

A Supermodel, A Boy Scout, And The Smartest Man In The World

A supermodel, a boy scout, and the smartest man in the world are on a plane together. There is an engine malfunction and the plane begins to plummet towards the Earth far below. Everybody (including the pilot), is able to bail except the three mentioned, as there are only two parachutes left between...

A Polish guy walked into a bar...

... in Poland. He announced that he had withdrawn his entire fortune, 100,000 zlotys, from the bank, invested it in gold bars, and put them into a safe in his house.

This was back when a zloty was worth something, so the other patrons immediately started to argue with him:

"You're an ...