This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hurricane is headed for a small town. The news says that everyone needs to evacuate. A religious man in the town says "I'm not going to leave my home, God will protect me".

The hurricane hits, and it's bad. There's mass flooding, and the police come to the man's door and tell him he needs to leave. The man says "I'm not afraid, God will protect me." The police give up and leave him.

The water rises in his house, so the man is forced to climb onto his roof. Just...

Why are women and children evacuated first in disasters?

So the men can think of a solution in silence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do they evacuate women and children first?

You can't fix shit with all that screaming and crying.

(**Yes, you can evacuate people.** Check #2 here: http://www.dictionary.com/browse/evacuate)

A blonde was checked into the hospital when a fire broke out.

A blonde was checked into the hospital when a fire broke out. The entire hospital was being evacuated. As the fire spread, a fireman was checking for stragglers when he found the blonde choking on smoke while pulling on a nurse's assistant's gown. The fireman grabbed the blonde and took her outside ...

A flash flood warning is broadcasted. The streets fill with water, and people begin to evacuate—except for one Catholic woman.

She stays in her home and prays. A bus pulls up to her house, and the driver urges her to get out, but she replies, “No. God will save me.” The bus driver reluctantly pulls away.

Water begins pooling into her house, and she calmly rises to the second floor.

Through the window, she sees...

A man tried smuggling sausage and vodka out of Europe and his suitcase caught fire and they had to evacuate the plane.

The whole event was pretty terrible.

It was the Absolut-wurst-case scenario.

I farted in an Apple store yesterday and everyone had to evacuate

Because they didn't have Windows

LeBron James tweets he's had to evacuate due to California wildfires

Hope the Chinese are taking fire evacuees.

Tornado warning in Texas...

Everyone evacuate to the Cowboys stadium!

No chance of a touchdown there

During a major hurricane the order is given to evacuate.

However a devout christian is confident that the lord will protect him from the storm.

As the water begins to rise a police man comes by in a 4 wheel drive and makes a call for evacuation.

“The lord will save us.” The man says confidently. The cop shrugs and drives off.

The w...

I asked my Hindu friend whether he plans to evacuate for Hurricane Florence.

He said, Na-ama-ste.

A mother ant and her daughter were out for a walk in their underground city.

They were having a lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One, with a sign reading *It's time to GO!,* spotted them and quickly approached.

"Excuse me ma'am, can you spare a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support our cause...

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church.

Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from ev...

Nearly 200,000 Californians evacuated due to Oroville Dam reaching a likely catastrophic failure. You may think this isn't the time to bring up politics however this is Trump's fault.

No man made structure was built to hold so many liberal tears.

I often wonder why hurricanes have names like Andrew, Elisa, Katrina, Dorian, Irma

Name a hurricane: Death Megatron 2000, they'll automatically evacuate from their

God Will Save Me

A heavy rain began to fall onto a small town. Townspeople were instructed to evacuate as it was believed the rain would not stop and floods were coming.

One man refused to leave. A van pulled up in front of the house and emergency personnel instructed the man to evacuate as the rain became he...

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For All You Disney Fans, here’s a little Story about the time I rode the Monorail at Disneyland

One time while riding the monorail at Disneyland, I let out the loudest, wettest, deepest and almost foul smelling fart I have ever ripped in my life. There are no words in the English language that can describe the absolute rancidity of this fart. It was so putrid that actual green gas was visible ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Paris cheese shop is hit by a German rocket moments after being evacuated by the Americans. "Watch out for debris!" shouts the owner to a GI standing in the ruins of the crumbling shop.

"Fuck off and save your own damn Brie" the GI called back, moments before being killed by a falling piece of masonry.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thank you for flying Philippine Airlines.

(Disclaimer, original joke was in Filipino, imma roughly translate it for y'all)

So John and Peter were riding a flight on Philippine Airlines, everything was going smoothly, and then something went wrong with the engine!

Sirens were blaring in the cockpit, and the pilot issued a PSA t...

Retired Preacher man Sits on his sofa....

And he sees on the news channel there's a massive storm and flash floods coming.. news channel says to evacuate but he's stays put...
The Rain begins and so the flood waters rise.. his sofa starts to float .. so he climbs out onto the window ledge and a rescue boat comes along..

" *Jump ...

Fitting joke for Hurricane Harvey

This is a Joke my Dad (who is Catholic) once told me when I was young. With Hurricane Harvey currently outside my window, I was reminded of it. Maybe it will give some humor to those currently in worse off areas than I.


A woman lives on the Texas coastline. Her town orders her to evacua...

A man walks into a bar..

Now, this man isn't your average man. This man was OBSESSED with tractors. He grew up with a farming background and has loved the machines since he was a small boy.

But unfortunately, in his teen years, he had an accident involving his beloved tractor and severely injured himself. He vowed t...

A man walks into the bar toilet, chooses a cabin, sits on the seat. He sees someone else's feet in the next cabin..

..not minding him and trying to evacuate his bowels, suddenly, the man right next to him says "Hi..". Our protagonist, startled by this totally unexpected awkward salutation responds "hi?"... then the man continues "how are you doing?" our man answers "doing fine, how about you?"... the other man sa...

My god will save me

A man lived in Florida in a two-story house near the water. During hurricane season one year the emergency services order the town he lives in to evacuate to avoid being swallowed up by high waters. A group of people evacuating stop by his house in a big pickup truck.

“Hop in and we can all g...

This is a long joke but the build up is worth it

Somewhere far away from here, there was a horse, a cow and a chicken. The horse had always wanted to start a band, so he learnt to play the guitar, while he was learning, he started looking for others who would be interested in joining his band, and found a chicken who was really good at singing and...

A local Scientist recieves an anonymous tip...

One day a local scientist named Steve was sent a mysterious email. The email read:

Steve I know who you are, and where you live. My name must remain anonymous, so as of now you may refer to me as "Somebody". Steve I contact you because my independent studies have discovered a massive earthqua...

I was at my school disco..

Walking across the hall to get a drink. One of my classmates came up to me and said ‘dude, your shoes are on smoking hot!’

I gave them a smile and kept walking to get a drink. Another classmate then approached me and said ‘hey bro, you’re on fire tonight!’

I gave them a wink and some ...

How to take a hurricane seriously

If the US wants to take hurricanes seriously they need to give them Muslim names. We got Irma and people don't care. But when the weatherman starts saying Abdullah is coming at Florida as a category 5, the whole country would evacuate.

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A soldier was seriously ill with malaria he contacted while serving at Guadacanal.

Because of his serious illness, he was evacuated to a hospital located in Austrialia. When he woke up, and found himself in a bright room, with an angelic faced nurse looking down at him.

Seeing this, he thinks he's in heaven, and through his cracked lips, he stammered "ddddddid you bring me...

A man survives Hiroshima and wakes up in the hospital

Man: What happened and why am I here?

Nurse: Hiroshima was hit by a bomb and despite all odds you survived. Right now you are at the hospital getting treated but you have no risk of dying so no worries.

Man: Thank god. But how about my family? Are they ok also?

Nurse: Don’t worr...

Hurricane Irma was coming, and my mother was thirsty.

My mother has a glass of port wine with almost
every dinner, and insists that any guests over 21 do the same. A handful of my friends have also come to wait out the storm with us, as they had to evacuate. While at the grocery store stocking up on food, my mother insists on getting more wine for ...

"I'm waiting for God to save me"

A flood was going to ravage a city, and most people saw the alert and evacuated. One lady, however, decided that if God really loved her, He would save her from the flood. So she climbs up onto the roof of her apartment building and waits.
The flood begins to rise and a rescue helicopter flies ov...

The Flood

It rains heavily for several days and flood waters start to rise. People are being evacuated as the water covers the ground completely.

The village priest is forced onto the roof of his house to escape drowning. He is sitting calmly and patiently in his soaking wet clothes when a lifeboat com...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do the other Daleks on planet Skaro say?

Teacher Dalek - "EDUCATE! EDUCATE!"

Student Dalek - "PROCRASTINATE! PROCRASTINATE!"

Horny Dalek - "PROCREATE! PROCREATE!"

Bored Dalek - "MASTURBATE! MASTURBATE!"

Bee Dalek - "POLLINATE! POLLINATE!"

In-love Dalek - "INFATUATE! INFATUATE!"

Actor Dalek - "IMPE...

The town's most religious man...

As a great rainfall came the town's most religious man refused to leave. After it seemed everyone had been evacuated one last jeep came through and rescue workers asked the man to get in.

"No thank you. God will save me." said the man.

Hours later as the rain grew more intense and floo...

I ate too much alphabet soup and became consonated.

I was better after I evacuated my vowels.

What's the difference between Syria and a nuclear weapons test site?

A test site will be evacuated.

In Gods hands...

A man was in his home when a hurricane blew into town bringing with it high winds and torrential rain. A pair of cops came by in waders and asked him to evacuate.

*“No thanks, officers,"* he said. *“My life is in God’s hands.”*

So the police left and the rain continued to fall. A f...

Hothead Pat, upset by how the Super Bowl is going, starts destroying things.

Police get on the megaphone trying to evacuate the area: "Go, Pat riots!"

God will save me

A terrible storm came into a town and local officials sent out an emergency warning that the riverbanks would soon overflow and flood the nearby homes. They ordered everyone in the town to evacuate immediately.

A faithful Christian man heard the warning and decided to stay, saying to himself,...

What do you call a Hurricane with a bad attitude?

What do you call a Hurricane with a bad attitude? A Hurri-cant!

Currently evacuated for the second time (Mathew, now Irma). Shared this joke with my sister in law last year and it's an all-star dad joke if I say so.

A National Geographic journalist visits a remote village...

...on an unexplored, untouched island in the South Pacific. He is welcomed by the villagers with open arms, and a great feast in his honor is given. All the villagers and the journalist eat their fill until they cannot possibly take another bite. The journalist retires to a bed the villagers prepare...

The Lord will take care of me

Mr. Jackson was a devout Southern Baptist. He spent his entire life in dedicated service to the Lord. He never missed a church service, or an opportunity to demonstrate his great faith in The Father.

One Sunday morning the congregation of Mr. Jackson's church were gathered for service, and...

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