Discharge Jokes - 62 Hilarious Discharge Jokes

TIL that you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once.

Whoops, wrong sub

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Honorable discharge

Three long-time servicemen are about to retire, and they are told that as a reward for many years of great service, they're are going to be given an amount of money equal to the distance between any two points on their body, in inches, times a thousand.

The colonel, being a tall man, picks t...

"That's not it."

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the so...

AMA: I am a submarine naval commander discharged for friendly fire in an underwater sea battle

Oops, wrong sub.

A psychologist came to an insane asylum in order to see if inmates were ready to be discharged

The psychologist brought with him a match box, he'd ask each inmate what was the thing he was holding, If they answered correctly, he would discharge them. The first inmate said a "match box", so he was discharged. The second man said "match box" so he was also discharged, so on and so on 'till cam...

John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there.

David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out.

The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK. The doctor said, "David, we have good...

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The Hospital

A sweet old lady telephoned the hospital.

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old laday in her weak voice said, "Doreen Jacobs, Room 604."

The ope...

Did you know you can discharge all four states of matter out of your ?

Just eat Taco Bell to discharge plasma.

The bull gets dishonorably discharged from the Animal Military.

He acted cow-ardly on the field of battle.

Why was the Marine dishonorably discharged?

He was rotten to the Corps.

Construction worker discharged after accusation of murder

There was no concrete evidence.

A soldier was having a psychiatric test prior to discharge.

The psychiatrist asked, "Tell me, Private, what would happen if I cut off one of your ears?"
"It would be hard to hear", replied the soldier.
"Good", said the psychiatrist. "What would happen If I cut off your other ear?"
"I wouldn't be able to see."
"That's interesting , why do ...

A court joke from a joke book published in 1904:

Judge—' 'What's the charge agin' this man?"
Officer— "Stealing nine bottles of beer, your honor."
Judge—' 'Discharged. I can't make a case out of nine bottles."

A guy was admitted to the hospital and he fell in love with the nurse.

She used to take care of him and very nice to him. Always checking up on him and giving him extra attention compared to other patients. Therefore, the guy thought that the nurse was into him as well.

The guy was shy and couldn't ask the nurse out on date. But after he was discharged, he someh...

A baggage handler couldn’t understand how he caught COVID 19 but was discharged from hospital the next day.

The Doctor told him it was a brief-case.

French Presidential bodyguard accidentally discharges weapon whilst on duty...

France & Italy have both offer their immediate unconditional surrender.

My Dad was in the hospital from being electrocuted

When he left he was discharged

My dad sprained his wrist and had to go to the hospital. During the discharge process he spoke with the doctor....

Dad: ”Doctor, when will I be able to play the piano?”

Doctor: ”You'll be able to play in about 2-3 weeks.”

Dad: "Great, thanks! I've always to know how to play an instrument!"

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside.

“Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She loo...

I discharged my cat because she was all staticky

It's dangerous to have charged cat-pacitors laying around.

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A sixty year old man with a history of heart problems ends up on the transplant list.

After nine years, he finally gets to the top of the list. But it takes another three years to find a suitable donor. His wife goes with him to every appointment with his doctor and every meeting with members of the surgery team. She discusses every aspect of the operation, his medications, his recov...

My Uncle was in a mental hospital

My uncle is mentally ill and has been in a mental hospital for two years. The doctors noticed that he seemed to be doing well so they decided to discharge him. Before signing the discharge papers, the doctor asked one last question to my uncle just to make sure.

The doctor asked "If you put ...

When Canadians work on board cruise ships,

they need to get a document from the Canadian government called a Seaman’s Discharge Book.

Which is useless because all the pages are stuck together..

England is finally honoring it's longest river entirely in it's border by making repairs to the over 45 navigation locks used for transportation, improving the many drinking water systems abstracting flow from it's discharge into the sea, and providing for wildlife sanctuaries near the coast.

The people will vote on the entire referendum poised to fund the project.

It's called the Bond...the Thames Bond....

Did I ever tell you I was in the Navy?

I was a seaman in my father's navy, but then I got discharged.

(Only one person got it without me having to repeat myself)

Help

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.

However, a student nurse found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, insisting didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rul...

I have trouble keeping their jobs these days...

First I was working at a potato farm, but then I was sacked.

Next it was the tuna factory, but then I was canned.

Next I tried being a lumberjack, but then I got axed.

Next I found an opening at the crematorium, but then I was fired.

Next I screwed up at the gun manufactu...

A man was taken to court for calling an Honourable Minister a pig

It was his first offence and the Judge was in a good mood and decided to show mercy.

So he discharged him after warning him to desist from unguarded utterances in future.

The man removed his cap and thanked the benevolent Judge profusely. ''Thank you, your lordship."

He conti...

An old hospital patient was set to be discharged

A nurse comes in to help him with his medicine. A moment later he says, "I'm going home to die".
The nurse feels sorry for him and replies, "No sir, you aren't going to die, not yet.
The old guy looks at her a long while, shakes his head and says, "I was s'posed to go home yesterdie, but I'm ...

She was only the Admiral's daughter....

But her naval base was always full of discharged seamen.

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What do the military and have in common?

The closer you get to discharge the better it feels.

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What did Karl Marx say about the working conditions of bakers in London?

Englishmen, with their good command of the Bible, knew well enough that man, unless by elective grace a capitalist, or a landlord, or the holder of an easy job, is destined to eat his bread in the sweat of his brow, but they did not know that he had to eat daily in his bread a certain quantity of hu...

A new recruit in the military was looking for a sheet of paper

He would look for a particular sheet of paper no matter the day and weather. He refused to tell anyone what the sheet of paper was about, so after a week of this recruit searching high and low for the sheet of paper, the psychiatrist declared him mentally challenged and discharged him from the milit...

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Severance Packages

The department of defense, in an effort to cut some costs decides to offer severance packages to some superfluous higher ranking officers. The offer is an honorable discharge and $1,000 for every inch between two points of their body of their choosing.

A Navy admiral takes this opportunity an...

You're probably Ghana think"no one will Bolivia. There's just Norway."

I thought I Kuwait but then I Saudi Turkey, Iraq of ribs and a Canada best sauce and my Bahrain was like Oman, I Israel Hungary... so Iran to the kitchen to put Greece in the pan.

I hoped it could get Finnish quickly and because I was Russian, I didn't Czech the label and accidentally added ...

There was an accident at the toll booth

The driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, and plowed into an empty toll booth, smashing it to pieces.

Some time after the driver had reported the damage, he watched as a repair truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers. They picked up each broken piece of the wreckage and...

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A Russian army officer was fired after having with James Bond during a mission.

It was a dishonorable discharge.

What's grey and red and goes 100mph?

A baby bunny being discharged from my lawn mower.

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In the recreation room of a psychiatric hospital, there were three patients

...named Jimmy, Freddy, and Sonny. The doctor visited them to check if their condition has improved and if they're ready to be discharged.

He first went to Jimmy. Jimmy was writing something on a notebook. He asked "What are you doing, Jimmy?" Jimmy replied "I'm writing a poem, doctor." The...

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What is the military term for premature ?

Dishonorable discharge

What happens when you eat too many Navy beans?

You might end up with a dishonorable discharge.

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What do you call it when you have with someone in order to end their dry spell?

An honorable discharge

What do you call someone who drops out of priest school?

Seminary discharge.

I fired my gun westward

It was an occidental discharge

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A man takes his cat to the vet....

Man: Doc, my cat has some 'stuff' coming out of 'back there' (waves hand over cat's rear end).

Vet: You mean the purulent discharge from your cat's ?

Man: Doc, I don't know those words. You gotta put it to me non-fancy terms, gimme the plain English.

Vet: What we have here...

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What happened to the Naval officer who tried to buy used tampons from his female subordinates?

He was given a discharge.

I’m going to invent a super laxative for the military.

I think I’ll call it Dishonorable Discharge.

A Doctor Walks into a Young Patient's Room and Sits Beside the Kid

Doctor: Hey kiddo! You're going to get discharged later on today. Don't forget to give your father my regards!

Kid: My father's dead...

Doctor: I know

My first time was like being stuck by lightning

It was a quick and painful discharge

It wasn't a big deal when the solider got an STI

It was an honorable discharge.

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A day in the ER

Sean Bean's wife brings her husband into the Emergency department with a broken nose and a bruised shoulder. During triage the nurse asks how the Sean sustained the injuries. After a nudge from his wife, he sullenly replies "I was looking over my shoulder and walked into a door." The nurse wonders h...

Did you hear about the soldier who threw up on his commanding officer?

It was a dishonorable discharge.

In WW I, US soldiers could be court martialed for contracting gonorrhoea.

That's why they call it a "dishonorable discharge".

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A young Caucasian decided to visit a when he visited Thailand.

A week later upon returning to the States he developed severe urinary pain. This was followed by purulent discharge and blistering of his .

Anxiously worried he visited a physician who told him, “You have contracted a rare STD that unfortunately necessitates amputation of your . It ...

After years of going to catholic church I’ve finally decided to seek other points of view on religion...

... After countless hours of study and understanding, I felt an uneasy feeling in my stomach.

Had I made a mistake? Had I crossed a benevolent God?

I had studied Judaism in Israel,

Buddhism in Tibet,

Even to indigenous areas of the globe to to better understand what it...

A Mexican electrician accidentally touched a live wire.

He suffered a Corona discharge.

Did you hear the one about the soldier who came home unexpectedly ?

His wife woke up to find him standing at the foot of the bed with his discharge in his hands.

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Veteran reintegrating into civilian life

A military veteran is assimilating back to civilian life and begins applying for jobs. He puts in an application with the state hoping for a 9-5 office job with decent benefits. They call him in for an interview. The interviewer is looking over his application and asks him about his military service...

Did you hear about the soldier who got struck by lightning?

He had to be honorably discharged.

Did you hear about the battery who deserted his unit in battle?

He was dishonorably discharged.

I'll show myself out now.

Confucius says: Woman who sleeps with judge.....

receives honorable discharge

Breaking News: Energizer Bunny arrested.

Charged with Assault and Battery.

We are waiting on his victim to be discharged.

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