I heard Michigan just had the worst flood in 500 years.

Dam.

What did the beaver find after his home was destroyed by a flood?

Not a dam thing.

There's a flood. A guy has retreated all the way up to his roof. Another guy, in a boat, comes along.

"Hop in, I'll take you to safety." Says the guy in the boat.

"Nonsense! I have faith in God. He will bring me salvation." replies the guy on the roof.

A few hours later, the same guy returns, this time in a police speedboat

"Get in! The water's rising!" He yells to the guy on hi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pandemic, country-wide fires, floods, locust swarms...

I don't know who has them, but please just let the Jews go.

A town floods and there is a religious man stuck on his ceiling.

On the first day a boat with other civilians passes by and asks if they want to go with them to safety. The man replies with “God will supply me and be my savior”. The next day firefighters come by in a rescue boat and asks the man if he wants help. He again replies “God will supply me and be my sav...

A man who lived by the sea grew a cucumber so large he was able to turn it into his house. One day a bad storm flooded the area with seawater and damged his home.

Now he’s in a pickle.

After the Flood, Noah commanded the animals...

"Go forth! Be fruitful! Multiply!"

And so, the animals did go forth from Mt. Ararat, and behold they were fruitful and did multiply as Noah had commanded. But Noah saw that two snakes had remained with the ark.

"Serpents! Why has thou not done as I have commanded, and gone forth to mul...

Husband: My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home ...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really ...

The POTUS, Donald Trump is swept down a flooding river... You stand on the riverbank with a camera in one hand and a lifebuoy in the other. Now you have to make a choice....

Do you take a picture in colour or in black and white?

THE FLOOD

This one of my all time favorites... can’t remember where I heard it.

There was a religious man who lived by a river. One day a sheriffs deputy came by and said to him, “There’s a flood coming. You want to get to higher ground.” The man replied, “Thank you officer, but I trust in the Lord. HE...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hurricane is headed for a small town. The news says that everyone needs to evacuate. A religious man in the town says "I'm not going to leave my home, God will protect me".

The hurricane hits, and it's bad. There's mass flooding, and the police come to the man's door and tell him he needs to leave. The man says "I'm not afraid, God will protect me." The police give up and leave him.

The water rises in his house, so the man is forced to climb onto his roof. Just...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Seamus is at the pub with a row of whiskey shots lined up in front of him, looking depressed as ever.

A newcomer to the small town, looking to make friends, sits down next to Seamus and asks him what's wrong.
 
Without looking at the newcomer, Seamus downs a shot and in his thick Irish brogue says "I've lived in this town me whole life. You see the sidewalk out front? I laid every brick with m...

The massive Flood

Once there was a flood and a man was trapped in his house.

As the water started to rise a truck came by. "Get in" the man in the truck urged the home owner. "No, No....God will provide for me" he answered.

When the water got too high for trucks a boat came by. "Get in! We will tak...

They said I could never flood New York City with nitrous oxide.

Who's laughing now?

Noah's Ark had landed, and the flood waters subsided....

..and Noah released all the animals in the Ark, saying, "Be fruitful and multiply!"

All the animals dispersed, except for a pair of snakes.

Noah looked at them and asked, "Why are you not doing as I said?"

One of the snakes replied, "We can't multiply, we're adders."

So, ...

After 150 days off flooding, Noah released all the animals from his ark and commanded then to go forth and multiply.

After some time, he saw that the flocks and herds were regaining their numbers, but he came across a pair of snakes who had laid no eggs, and were just laying about.

"Why have you not multiplied?" he asked.

To which the snakes responded, "we can't, we're adders."


Noah being ...

Saw a group of magical insects escape a flood in a tiny ship of their own creation.

Could this be the fabled Ark of the Coven-Ants?

I wasn't very fond of the Flood from Halo.

But then they kinda grew on me.

A man is sitting on top of his house during a flood while the water is slowly rising.

He waits and waits until a man in a canoe approaches him.

“Would you like me to bring you to safety sir?”

“No, god will save me.”

The man in the canoe leaves. 3 hours later, a rescue team approaches him.

“Would you like me to escort you to a safer area sir?”

“No, g...

A flash flood warning is broadcasted. The streets fill with water, and people begin to evacuate—except for one Catholic woman.

She stays in her home and prays. A bus pulls up to her house, and the driver urges her to get out, but she replies, “No. God will save me.” The bus driver reluctantly pulls away.

Water begins pooling into her house, and she calmly rises to the second floor.

Through the window, she sees...

Retired Preacher man Sits on his sofa....

And he sees on the news channel there's a massive storm and flash floods coming.. news channel says to evacuate but he's stays put...
The Rain begins and so the flood waters rise.. his sofa starts to float .. so he climbs out onto the window ledge and a rescue boat comes along..

" *Jump ...

Flood joke from a catechism

Religious guy's town started flooding, and when the water reached his porch he started praying for help. Suddenly, a divine voice told him, "Bob, you are a good person, I have heard your prayers and I will save you!"

A few minutes later some woman in a small inflatable raft paddled by.
...

A woman sat on the roof of her house as the flood waters rose around her.

A man in a small motor boat pulled up and said, "Come on! We've got to go!" She replied, "No thank you. I'm waiting on the Lord to save me."

Not long after that, a helicopter hovered overhead and a rescue worker repelled down to try and save her. She said, "No thank you. I'm waiting on the L...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is passing through a small town when he decides to visit the local bar.

He walks up to the counter where he notices a large jar filled to the brim with $5 bills. Curious, the man asks the bartender about the jar. The bartender tells him “here in our lil town of ours we ain’t got much goin’ on. So we decided to host a series of challenges here. Anyone can take on the cha...

Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"

The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in." The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?" The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robbery." The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. "So you're telling me you were speed...

How Moral Are You?

This takes less than one minute and is incredibly accurate…well worth the little bit of effort I promise.

This test has only one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely and completely f...

A devout Christian man living in New Orleans refuses to leave his home after hearing news of an imminent hurricane and flood.

A richly devout Christian man lives alone in New Orleans. He keeps to himself mostly, isolating himself in prayer and self-reflection with little care for the outside world.


One day, the man notices it growing dark outside earlier than normal. He steps outside and feels the wind has pick...

Why do you have to act quickly during a flood?

Because it's an emergent sea!!

What does a cyclone, flood, fire and a woman have in common?

Sooner or later one of em will get your house....

Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments of my like come flooding back to me.

I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.

Today a large truck full of hair restoring tonic, overturned and flooded the street.

Police are combing the area.

Beware of bards during floods.

They're known for luteing.

What did the selfish beaver say to the deer that asked him to help stop the flooding affecting her grazing grounds?

Frankly, my deer, I don't give a dam.

What did God say to all the animals during the Greaf Flood?

Don't worry. I Noah guy

Forty days pass, the flood recedes, and Noah and his family are settling in.

Noah's wife notices that all the animals are starting to reproduce, except for a pair of snakes. She asks Noah about it, and he says he'll take care of it. A week later, Noah brings his wife out to the workshop, and shows her the snakes in their basket on top of the picnic table he just built. "How ...

An Egyptian farmer refuses to believe his fields had flooded...

He was in De Nile.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Curtis

So, imagine a guy named Curtis. Curtis was no ordinary man. You see, he was MAGICAL. Nearly omnipotent.

One day, Curtis decides to make use of his power, and he takes a marker, and a trillion sheets of paper. On each sheet he draws an E as large as he can.

Every time you did someone a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

And old english gentleman is sitting in his study.

Suddenly his buttler crashes in through the door and screams "SIR! We are flooding! There's water everywhere..."

"James! This is most irregular. Please leave and come in again with the dignity that is inherent to English gentlemen!"

The buttler bows himself out and then comes in agai...

Where did Noah keep the bees during the flood?

In the Ark Hives.

Big flood.

Local priest is listening to the news about a bad storm moving in and how the flooding is expected to be bad enough to warrant evacuations.
The lord will protect me he says under his breath.
Fast forward to ten hours later and he is on the roof watching the waters get higher and higher.
A b...

Lord came unto Noah

In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United
States , and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated,
and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good
humans."...

If the marijuana dispensary gets flooded...

...is that considered high water?

I will not drown if i ever stuck in floods, Guess why?

Because I am dead inside.

A great flood happened

A man was in his home when he saw on the news that a great flood was coming and everyone in the area must get to safety. He said to himself “oh, god will provide”

The waters stared coming and he sat in his living room with water up to his ankles. After a while the water rose too high and he h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors. There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. ...

If the Genesis flood happened in prehistoric times...

...It’d be Jurassic Ark

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My uncle died in a flood of kittens last week but I'm not sad.

It's how he said he always wanted to go. Drowning in pussy

The Flood

It rains heavily for several days and flood waters start to rise. People are being evacuated as the water covers the ground completely.

The village priest is forced onto the roof of his house to escape drowning. He is sitting calmly and patiently in his soaking wet clothes when a lifeboat com...

A fellow was stuck on his rooftop in a flood. He was praying to God for help...

A fellow was stuck on his rooftop in a flood. He was praying to God for help.

Soon a man in a rowboat came by and the fellow shouted to the man on the roof, "Jump in, I can save you."

The stranded fellow shouted back, "No, it's OK, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me. NEXT!"<...

A man lives on the banks of an Egyptian river

A man lives along the banks of an Egyptian river. Every year the river floods, yet the man remains certain that the river will not destroy his house. One year, the people in his settlement try to persuade him to evacuate, as the floods of that year were vicious. The man did not listen, thinking he w...

My favorite part of the bible is when God gives everyone free will...

&nbsp;

&nbsp;

..and then he kills them all in a flood for not doing what he tells them.

Have you seen the floods in Paris?

It's inseine!

Donald Trump doesn't believe in the eventual flooding of the coasts due to climate change

apparently he doesn't think America can sink any lower either.

A new study proves that beavers cause extensive flooding

I've read it. The evidence against them is damning.

A dam breaks and a city gets flooded

Everybody runs except for a priest who continues to pray in the church.A man with a car sees him and tells him to hop on. The priest replies "no thanks,God will save me."Time passes and the priest is knee deep in water.A guy in a boat sees him and also tells him to hop on.But the priest again declin...

My wife and I had a huge argument because she accidentally flooded the kitchen

but we've sorted it now. It's all water under the fridge.

As the world’s population swelled over the past few decades, Santa’s sleigh got heavier and heavier, requiring more reindeer to pull it.

Santa hired two new reindeer as crew, Lee and Franklin.

As part of their new hire training both Lee and Franklin go through a lot of physical training, navigational training, as well as a list of things that is to be packed on the sleigh.

Franklin is going through the list of banned it...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It rained for days, and the flood came.

Everybody was leaving the village except Bob. Seeing him still there, they came on two pick-ups. Signaling Bob to come over.

"I am a man of deep faith" explained Bob to his neighbors. "I don't need to flee my village. God will protect me."
&nbsp;
The water kept rising, and whe...

How did Noah see the animals in the Ark at night?

With flood lighting.

"The 12 boys stranded in a flooded cave system in Thailand have started diving lessons in the latest step in efforts to bring them out alive."

I think they've hired Neymar.

I saw an old woman on the news who's house was flooded

She was standing there, knee deep in water, crying......and I thought that's not helping




Credit: Jimmy Carr

In the wake of Hurricane Florence, residents of North Carolina are returning home to deal with flood damage, mold, and apparently with the arrival of the President...

Tiny mushrooms.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sad example of the witch hunt caused by the flood of sexual abuse allegations

A good friend of mine, after 7 yrs of medical training has been fired for one minor indiscretion.

He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. He's still paying off his school loans.

This just goes to show...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer was selling his

peaches door to door. He knocked on a
door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer
negligee answered the door.

He raised his basket to show her
the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, ...

A reporter in Houston asked a woman how many churches were open during the flood

She said; "I don't know I eat at KFC"

MY friend made a joke about the flooding of South Asia.

I stopped him and sad: "Too monsoon man."

Told my dad that 12 boys from a junior football team are lost in a flooded cave in Thailand.

Dad: They should call a priest.

Me: Dad! They could still be alive.

Dad: Yes I believe that they are still alive as well, just toss a priest in the cave and he'll find those boys real quick.

I was surprised when I heard about the flooding in Paris...

...normally, the water is l'eau.

Embarrassing Fart Story

Here’s one that a lot of y’all can probably relate to. I’m probably gonna add more to it at some point.

.......

One day in third grade we were all sitting on the carpet listening to our teacher read something. My stomach hadn’t been too kind to me that day. .......


You know...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jeff was running late for a union meeting, and really needed to take a dump.

Finding the men's room clogged, he went up a floor in the auditorium, to find another bathroom. When he got up the stairs, he found a long hallway, leading to a door.

He opened the door, and found himself in a dimly lit attic.

His stomach gurgled, just as he spotted some light comin...

A man is stuck on the roof of his house after a flood, he prays to god for deliverance.

A man is stuck on the roof of his house after a flood, he prays to god for deliverance. A few hours later a guy in a dingy floats past and offers him a ride. He says "No, God will provide safe passage for me."

A day later a rescue team arrive with a boat and offer him a space, he again declin...

Why was the biblical Flood such a big deal?

Why couldn't just God dam it?

A missionary came to my door asking if I could help with the floods in India.

I said sure, but my garden hose only reaches to the end of the driveway.

Praying for salvation...

One rainy day, a very religious woman was standing on her front porch watching as the river across the street started to rise up its banks. A policeman drove down the road and saw her, pulled his cruiser up her drive, and got out.

"Excuse me miss," he called over to the woman, "but the rains ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Angel: O Lord, I have received news of a flooding river. What must be done?

God: fucking dam it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dam Buster?

Theres an old village in a valley some where with a Dam at one end.

One day theres an earthquake and a crack appears in the dam and the village starts to slowly flood.

The emergency services and army are called and the village is cleared, other than the village church where the priest ...

It was the mid-1820’s when Phillip and his brother Terrance decided that they wanted to better their lives.

So the two brothers packed a wagon with everything they owned and started out from their small home in Missouri. The trail to Oregon was very tough and the relationship between the brothers was already stressed at best.

Phillip, being the older brother, was constantly very critical of his you...

So a town is flooding.

A massive flood is happening in a small town. Many people are running and screaming trying to find safe haven.

A young woman however just goes up to her 2nd floor as the water continues to rise. Once she gets there, a boat comes up to her house and the men aboard yell, "Come aboard m'am, we'l...

God: Earth is going to be flooded. Someone should build an ark.

Jesus: I Noah guy who can do it

Quebec, Canada is currently experiencing record breaking flooding

It's a good thing frogs can swim

After it rained for 40 days and 40 nights, how was the flood of Genesis stopped?

God dammed it.

This flood is devastating. Everything in my kitchen ended up sinking with the exception of a carton of ice cream and some root beer.

They stayed afloat.

After the great flood, Noah begins unloading the ark, and instructs the animals to "go forth and multiply!"

Once most of the exodus has completed, he noticed a pair of adders in the back looking rather distraught. "What's the matter?" he asked them.

"We're only adders, we can't multiply!" said the snakes.

Thinking quickly, Noah dashed off into the forest, and returned a short time later carr...

A priest is on top of a house during a flood...

People evacuating came to him in a boat and told him to get in, he says "No, god will save me". So they left him and got out.

As the water was reaching his waist more people evacuating came to his aid, again he replied with "God will save me".

Now the water is at his neck he remains ca...

How Do You Start a Flood?

An engineer and an attorney were fishing in the Caribbean.

The attorney said, “I’m here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.”

"That’s quite a coincidence," said the engineer. “I’m here because my house...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Flash Flood

A man was caught in a flash flood and had only a thin tree branch to hang onto to prevent him from being washed into the water. As the water became stronger and he began to tire, a motorboat appeared out of nowhere.


"Come on mate, get in," yelled the boatman.


"It's okay," the ...

The European conference

Centuries ago, a conference took place in Europe. The issue was finding a solution to flood control in The Netherlands. Now, the English delegate was a blatant racist against the Dutch, and couldn't care less about their lives. Each of the delegates from all around Europe were asked for their ideas,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A flood warning is given, but the local priest decides to stay...

The water level starts rising, but he has faith that God will save him. As the water is up to his knees, an old man in a rowboat sails up to him.

"Hey," he says. "Need a lift?"

The priest shakes his head. "No thank you, I have faith that the lord will save me. Use your boat to find tho...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking down the street when he sees an advertisement for his favorite boxer, Mike Tyson.

He stops and reads the text on the poster.

**Come meet Mike Tyson! First 20 people can get punched by the man himself!**

Knowing that he didn’t want to pass up this opportunity, he shows up to the ring, 45 minutes early.

The building was already packed full of fans waiting to se...

After the flood, Noah tells the animals from the Arc to "go forth and multiply."

After a few months, Noah figures he better wander around and see how the animals are doing. Everybody is happy until he comes across a couple of snakes - they are quite downcast and not very happy. Noah asks what wrong, and they say "We are Adders, so we can't multiply!"

Noah rubs his chin fo...

I hope DC residents have good flood insurance

Because that swamp turned into a damn lake real fast.

wife calls and says "i think the carburetor is flooded"

experienced husband starts from the top. "honey, where is the car?"

"at the bottom of the pool"

After a flood of forged financial documents from a small eastern european country, an urgent warning was issued by banks worldwide

CHECK CZECH CHEQUES

What did the person say when a flood struck his house?

Damn it!

Breaking news! Due to heavy storms, all the rivers in Egypt are flooding.

The citizens of Cairo are still in denial

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Captain America and a Grammar Nazi are working for a diamond mine

Captain America and a Grammar Nazi are working for a diamond mine, and they have a meeting with a consultant. The consultant tells them that the mine is flooding the market with too many cheap diamonds, and their income is dropping as a result.

Captain America says, "Well, if you're correct, ...

Reports of terrible flooding in Pakistan

Authorities fear it was the work of a suicide plumber

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two devout Christians are stuck outside their home during a flood...

The water is up to their knees, and the fire brigade in a boat come along, saying

"Come with us, we'll save you!"

The couple say,

"No thank you, God will save us.", and they start praying.

The water is now up to their waist, and the coastguard in a boat come along, saying...

The day after violent video games became illegal...

...a school was flooded with lava in the world's first mass griefing.

Anheuser Busch is using a Georgia brewery to can water for flood victims in Oklahoma and Texas

They're labeling very clearly so people don't confuse it with Bud Light

An old woman wakes up one morning to find her town flooding..

The water has filled her first floor and is quickly rising, she looks out the upstairs window and sees 2 men in a row boat. They yell up to her to jump into the water and they will take her to safety. The woman yells back "No! God will provide." "Suit yourself!" the men say, and row away.

A f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Voodoo Dick

A man enters a sex shop, looking for a new toy to keep his wife busy while he goes on business trips. As a higher-up in his corporation, he tends to be away from home several times a month, and wants to ensure his wife stays faithful.

When he reaches the counter, he's shocked to see an old, w...

Three spies, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, were captured in the alps and sentenced to death by firing squad.

First they brought out the brunette and stood them against the wall.

"Ready," called the sergeant, "aim..."

"Avalanche!" yelled the brunette.

As the soldiers ran for cover the brunette escaped.

Next they brought out the redhead and stood them against the wall.

"Rea...

A newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears...

A newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears.

"Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asks.

"Sweetheart," she sobs, "the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out the oven to season...

An ocean liner is sailing in the North Atlantic and hits an iceberg.

As the ship is sinking, one crewman runs to the ship’s captain and tells him to open the root beer caskets in the ship’s hold.

The captain is confused but has no other options, so he orders all of the ship’s root beer caskets cut open. The root beer floods the hold and the ship slowly stops s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Family reunion with Dad and stepmom

Dear Mom,


We are having a great time here at Camp Hazardous Hills. Grandpa is making me write to you in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.


Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on th...

A hunter lived alone in the middle of a forest, in a small house by the river..

A short distance down a slope in front of his house, he had a garden where he would grow vegetables to supplement his diet of forest game and fish.

&nbsp;

One morning, he awoke to the sounds of a thunderstorm and rushing water. Quickly getting dressed and stumbling outside, he ...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller called Sarah who hoped to learn the proper skills of divination by training alongside a renowned fortune teller, Madame Lointain (for, in these times, it was customary for each village to have a fortune teller).


After having studied for...

A cake walked into a bar...

It was gonna try to find it's owner because it was celebrating his 50th birthday.

But when the people saw the cake they were very puzzled. What is this thing? (Seeing very well that it had legs and arms)

The cake replied, "I am a cake looking for someone named- ooh I don't remember b...

So the Great Flood has receded, and Noah is releasing all of the animals from the ark...

... Everything is going smoothly - the giraffes, bears, birds - all of them are going forth and repopulating the earth.

Suddenly, a pair of snakes goes up to Noah. He says "What's wrong? Go forth and multiply!"

The snakes say, "We can't. We're adders."

So Noah goes into the for...

A small town has been flooded.

A man on a raft spots a priest, who has water up to his waist. The man says, "Quick father! Get on the raft before the water rises!" The priest says, "I appreciate your kind offer, but I am waiting for the lord to save me." Several minutes later, a boat spots the priest, who has water up to his shou...

A blonde, brunette, and redhead are all running from these police officers.

They find a shack that has 3 potato sacks in it and decide to hide there in the sacks. The police officers find the shack and see the sacks.

They kick the first one with the brunette in it. She says "Meow, meow!". So they think it's a cat in there.

They move on and kick the second one ...

Two retired business men sitting on a beach.

Mike: Nice to meet you. I'm a retired businessman. When my store burned down, rather than rebuilding I took the insurance money and retired here.

John: You know, I'm a retired businessman, too. When a flood washed away my store I took the insurance money and retired here, too.

Mike is...

what car do people drive in Norway when it floods?

the fjord escape

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