Bee on the Alert!!! 60,000 Giant bees were recently stolen from a farm in Pennslyvania.

Police have a huge sting operation on their hands.

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Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra.

The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

Dad joke alert

Why do elephants paint there toes red?



So they can hide in cherry trees. Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? See it works!



Bonus one: what's the difference between a hooker and a dealer?



One can wash there crack and resell it

Don't you hate it when you get an Amber Alert

and you have to switch cars?

What's the difference between a black bear and a grizzly bear?

In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear confrontations, the Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and be alert for bears while in the field. …We advise that outdoorsmen wear small bells on their clothing so as not to startle b...

Spoiler alert!

>!I left the mayonnaise out overnight.!<

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A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it is.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it happ...

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Car wants to alert.

Do you know what a car that wants to alert the front car is called?

Horny.

A deaf man had a bike helmet that would vibrate if there was a loud noise from behind him to alert him of any vehicle’s presence

I guess you could call it his handy cap

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Hiking advisory

Hikers who visit this forest should be aware that both black bears and grizzly bears can be found here. We suggest the following precautions for your safety.

Please wear small bells on your clothing to alert wildlife of your presence so they stay away. Please have pepper spray with you at all...

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I Have No Fear. God Will Protect Me.

In the midst of a heavy hurricane season, a small town in Florida is alerted as likely to be hit very hard by one particular storm. An emergency notice it sent out to evacuate the town in anticipation of major flooding. One man in the town, Steve, refuses to leave his house, claiming, "I have no fea...

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Two criminals break into a drugstore and steal all the Viagra. The store owners call the police and they put out an alert.

An officer in the vicinity turns to his partner and says “Alright, we’re looking for two hardened criminals”

I'm getting really sick of these Amber Alerts...

They either wake you up at three in the morning or broadcast your license plate to the whole world.

***SPOILER ALERT***

Check your milk's expiration date.

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A woman who is constantly embarrassed by her husband falling asleep in church goes to the priest to ask for help.

The priest says, "Look love, if he falls asleep again, poke him with this hat pin. I'll nod to you as a signal to poke him.". The woman agrees to the plan.

So Sunday rolls around and sure enough, good old Mr. Jones nods off again. The priest notices and asks, "Who is our savior?" then nods to...

How do you have a serious conversation with a stoner?

You have to be very blunt with them.

[corny joke alert]

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Three men find a genie in the woods (FRAT Alert)

Three guys are hiking through the woods when they find an old lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms “You have finally freed me after all these years, so I’ll grant each one of you 3 wishes.” The first guy immediately blurts out “I want a billion dollars.” POOF, he’s ...

Bert and Ernie served as daytime radio hosts for over twenty years.

Bert and Ernie worked together as daytime radio hosts for over twenty years. They'd traded jokes, played pop music and generally made peoples lives a touch brighter as they trundled to their workplace.

Now though, there was a silence on the air. Ernie silently reread the fax from civil defen...

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The...

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Heard on the Underground

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cro...

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New joke alert*

Life is like balls of chocolate except that it's just balls but not the chocolate.

Spoiler alert:

It makes the trunk of the car look better

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Coronavirus alerts across the world

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, level may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when t...

(Old joke alert - be gentle.)

So, a guy sees this girl home after a date.

She says

\- Do you want to come in? You'll have to be very quiet, my parents are upstairs.

\- Sure

So they go in to the sitting room, get on the couch, and start smooching.

The guy says

\- Sorry, I need to use ...

Stay Alert - The Bowling-Alley Killer is still at large ...

Police warn he may strike again.

Don't look out these blonds at the supermarket

WARNING!!! SCAM ALERT!!!



You may find superhot blonds on Walmart. They used to hang out around the big 24 hr Supermarket car park. When you are putting your shopping away, they ask you for a lift to McDonalds. They are very convincing and very hot!

Once in your car the Blonde o...

Dad joke alert: So when does a bad joke become a Dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent.

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I tried sending a dick pick.

Got an alert back saying "Unable to send message, file too large"

Dad joke alert! What is made out of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?

Trombones.

My ex-girlfriend got paid under the table for her work filming "creampie" adult videos. So I alerted the IRS.

They nailed her for unreported in-come.

I've just spotted my name on a neighbor's laptop. Stalker alert surely ?

Just as well I bought those new binoculars.

ALERT‼️‼️‼️ The corona virus can be spread through money.

If you have any money at home, put on some gloves, put all the money in a plastic bag and put it outside the front door tonight.
I'm collecting all the plastic bags tonight for safety. Think of your health.

The National Park Rangers are advising hikers in Glacier National Park and other Rocky Mountain parks to be alert for bears and take extra precautions to avoid an encounter.

They advise park visitors to wear little bells on their clothes so they make noise when hiking. The bell noise allows bears to hear them coming from a distance and not be startled by a hiker accidentally sneaking up on them. This might cause a bear to charge.

Visitors should also carry a pepp...

What do you call a big dog who's always alert?

Awarewolf

Covid19 alert in India

Gathering of more than 250 million people at a place is banned.

“Get me my Red Shirt"!

A navy captain is alerted by his First Mate that there is a pirate ship coming towards his position. He asks a sailor to get him his red shirt.

The captain was asked, “Why do you need a red shirt?”

The Captain replies, “So that when I bleed, you guys don’t notice and aren’s discouraged...

I HATE Amber alerts.

I already know what my car looks like.

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Bar Joke Alert

Guy walks into a bar. There's a blind pianist with a dancing monkey there, but the man thinks nothing of it and orders a beer.

The monkey chitters, runs over, and dips his ass in the guy's beer before scarpering off.

Guy cusses out the monkey and orders a second beer. Monkey runs over ...

(Cringe alert)How to swear in decent way?

You mothertrucker son of the rich!

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Scam alert! Men beware

During the recent hot weather here in the UK we have had a couple of young women operating a scam at our local supermarket. They offer a while-you-wait car valeting service - you just drive in and while you sit there, one of them washes the outside of the car while the other vacuums the inside. They...

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Getting an AMBER Alert while on the toilet is like winning the lottery...

Since those things are designed to randomly scare the shit out of you.

Y'all probably will hate me for this. Spoiler alert for Frozen II.

In the first movie Anna was Frozen

Now in the second movie Elsa is frozen too (Frozen 2)

I'm sorry I shall take my leave

[Spoiler Alert] What happens at the end of Endgame

They roll the credits...

Almost every phone in the US got an emergency presidential alert today....

Unfortunately it was two years too late

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Elizabeth Taylor goes in to get her vagina reconditioned.

Elizabeth : Dr. I want to have the vagina of an 18 year old.

Dr. : Ok that can be done.

Elizabeth: Ok but please, ABSOLUTELY NO PAPARAZZI or MEDIA involvement!

Dr. : Of course, it will be completely confidential.


The surgery occurs with no complications. in f...

A reporter driving past a farm…

Sees a pig with two wooden legs and thinks there has to be a story here. He drives up to the farm and starts asking the farmer why the pig has two wooden legs.

“ well,” replies the farmer “ I was working over in the back pastures and my wife was cooking in the kitchen when she had a heart att...

Be alert!

The world needs more lerts.

Red alert

A Soldier Was Given A Three-Day Leave To Attend To His Newly Wedded Wife But On Getting Home, He Realized That His Wife Was In Her Menstrual Period.

So He Decided To Send A Telegram To His Headquarter To Extend His Leave But With His Mother-In-Law And Other Visitors Around, He Decided To Code...

[SPOILER ALERT]

Jesus dies at the end of bible

SPOILER ALERT:

I just had a piece of metal fitted to the back of my car to reduce drag and increase fuel efficiency.

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PSA: Be alert of random scissor attack

You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.

What did the starship captain say when he peed his pants?

Yellow alert, number one.

My great-grandfather knew that Titanic would sink and tried to alert people 3 times

The third time, he was expelled from the movie theater.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hooked up with a GILF

We get to her place she said she didn't need a safe word. If anything went wrong just hit her LifeAlert button

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, a father and his daughter are together.

The father is putting the daughter to sleep. After the father leaves, he hears her saying her prayers. He hears her say, '' God bless mommy, daddy, and grandma, rest in peace grandpa. The father hears all of this and barges back into the room. He asks her, '' Why did you say the last part? '' The da...

A dwarf who can talk to ghosts escaped from prison.

The police alert said “There’s a small medium at large.”

Imagine how annoying it would be if we got alerts for every upvote we received

for everyone except me

[Spoiler Alert]Watched 10 seasons and the truth was right in front of us the whole time!!

The clock at Marshall and Lily's is always at 4:20

Virus Alert

#

There is a very dangerous virus going around and it is propogated through the email system. If you get an email message with the subject: "VIRUS ALERT!" do not open the mail message. If you do, the virus scrambles the second half of every text file on your system.

VERY IMPORTANT: If...

Dad joke alert: why didn't the crab and lobster get along?

They were too shellfish.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"So, Doctor van Helsing, we meet at last," said the Count.

van Helsing turned slowly. The castle library was lit in patches by the bright moonlight spilling through the windows, and otherwise only in a circle of yellow gold by the Dutchman's candle. He had never even heard the door open or a hint of a footfall; and yet there Count Dracula was, less than twe...

West London police wish to alert local residents about the activities of the infamous cross-eyed burglar.

If you see this man staring in your windows,

warn the people next door.

A rite of passage. [Dadjoke alert]

Meet James and Sasha, both 23, in a serious relationship and madly in love. James is worried about children, as he knows there is an honourable history of dad jokes in his family, and he is not sure he can live up to these great expectations. One night, whilst doing the deed, the condom breaks. They...

What body movements alert you that a politician is lying?

His lips are moving.

Europeans use too many gyros for the slaughter of animals. Let's alert PITA.

That was a terrible pun. I falafel.

Spoiler Alert!!

The cheese that I bought has been sitting out for days.

A man went into surgery to remove his tonsils.

Due to a hospital error he got circumcised.


Media was alerted by an anonymous tip.

[Old joke alert] Why are dwarfs so depressed?

Because six out of seven dwarfs aren't happy.

I just got an AMBER alert that won't open...

It says: error 404 child not found

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Emergency broadcast alert.

Just happened this morning while taking my wife to work. The emergency broadcast alert came over the radio.
Wife: It's probably just a test.
Me: Unless Trump pressed the big red button.
Our 9 year old: Oh come on now Trump is new to the White House, he doesn't know how everything works yet....

Why did the horse get life alert?

Because "i've fallen and can't giddy-up"

Last month I unknowingly purchased stolen roofing supplies. I wrote a Craigslist post to alert others...

HOT SHINGLES IN YOUR AREA

My grandad predicted that the Titanic would sink

He went to great pains to try and alert everyone. Sadly no one would listen. He told people in authority, middle-management and even the every-day punters who bought tickets. He was silenced from every corner in spite of all the evidence he put forward. Eventually he was forcibly removed from the ci...

A pirates life

A pirate is alerted by his first mate that a ship is approaching. The pirate gets all hands on deck, and has the first mate fetch his red shirt. The battle goes on without an issue.

Days later, the first mate alerts the pirate of 2 ships approaching. Again the pirate gets all hands on deck, a...

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Listening to the Pope on TV reminded me of an old joke (repost alert)

2 Italian men get on a train. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two ...

This police dog comes up to me and starts sniffing and wagging his tail, and I say "hi there, boy, can you smell my dog then?"

And the handler says "No, sir, this is a sniffer dog -- he only alerts for narcotics", and I say "heh, yeah, my poor pooch has such a habit..."

Spoiler alert!

The milk's got 1 day left

Did you hear about the underage sheep that was abducted?

I just read it on my phone when I got the Lamber Alert.

What's big, black and loaded with aids?

A new Cadillac Escalade with cruise control, lane alert, navigation, downhill descent control and parking assist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Barnyard antijokes, written by an AI

Q:
What's the difference between a horse and a duck?

A:
A horse has legs but a duck has feathers.

Q:
Why do elephants play hide-and-seek?

A: They don’t have to worry about winning.

Q:
How much is a cow worth?

Answer:
100 Pounds.

Q: ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear the one about the amber alert?

Neither did I, but should I allow the children out of my basement yet?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An man was in the hospital for a series of tests... ... the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and paced frantically trying to think of a plan. Knowing his cute young nurse was about to come in the door at any moment, he hastily gathered up ...

My daughter always said she wanted to see her name up in lights...

You should've seen the smile on her face when she turned to look at me and say:

"Daddy, what's an 'Amber Alert'?"

The king's guard bursts into the throne room...

Out of breath and in a panic they alert the king
> Sire, the peasants, they're revolting!


The king nods and responds:
>Mmm yes, they are quite disgusting aren't they

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man Has Promised His Wife He Wouldn't Get Drunk Anymore

But his best friend is getting married and he decides to have just one drink at the bachelor party during the toast.

Well, one drink leads to another and the man falls off the wagon ... HARD! He's singing and dancing and stumbling his way around the party without a care in the world (or his h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Fisherman

Somewhere near a big lake lives Jon together with his cat.

Early in the morning Jon wakes up, washes his face and goes to the kitchen. He takes his bag of bread, takes out a few slices and butters them up. puts some cheese on it and stores them is his bread box. Picks up his fishing pole an...

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