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Hiv Jokes

My girlfriend called me today and told me that she was HIV+

It's always hard to act surprised

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What will you get if a HIV positive person fucks your ear?

Hearing aids.

Fun fact: did you know that HIV is actually Roman for “high five”?

Pass it on – or, rather, don’t.

How come HIV isn't a major cause of depression?

Because it's not that hard to stay positive.

When life gives you HIV

you make koolaids

What do you call crocodile HIV?

GatorAIDS

What's the worst advice you can give someone with HIV?

Stay positive.

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What's the difference between a black man and HIV?

HIV stays with the kids once they're born.

My old doctor said he could tell if someone was infected with HIV with just a stethoscope...

Because they’re useful hearing AIDS

A friend of mine asked me how he should react if his girlfriend tells him that she's HIV positive

I said, "The trick is to always act surprised."

I never understood what HIV is.

But I got it now.

Jake: I think I might be HIV positive

Paul: Omg I'm so sorry. How did you find out?

Jake: Well, I had accidentally come in someone's ear once, years ago. I saw her again yesterday

Paul: And..?

Jake: She has hearing AIDS now!

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What's the hardest part about getting a call from an old sexual partner and them telling you that they have HIV.

Acting surprised.

An old man goes to see the doctor.

An old man goes to see the doctor.


Upon getting there, the doctor sighs and looks at him with pity.


"Peter, I have bad news and worse news. Which would you like first?"



"Give me the worse news now doctor, so that the less bad news don't matter much anymore."<...

What do you call a sugar daddy with HIV?

Financial AIDS

A Farmer leaves his farm in the care of the farmhand

A farmer has to travel for a week, so he leaves his farm in the care of his farmhand. Before he goes, he instructs him: 'Do not call me for every little issue or problem you have. Only if it's a big issue, contact me!'

Four days pass and the farmhand calls him at his hotel: "Boss, the broom ...

Oh sure, when a white man has HIV; people say he has AIDS. But when a black guy has it...

He has Kool Aids

Do you think Charlie Sheen admitted to being HIV positive on national television...

because it was easier than making phone calls?

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How long has HIV been in Australia?

For dick AIDS.

I went to an HIV counseling meeting...

... They are a very positive group.

If Freddie Mercury transmitted HIV to someone...

...Was it considered Mercury poisoning?

You know, I always thought that show Deadliest Catch was about HIV...

But here it turns out to be about Crabs

What did the hiv infested group of singers give to the groupie?

Band Aids

What does a preacher have in common with an HIV patient?

They spread positivity.

My friend told he's been diagnosed with HIV, and has to go for a retest to confirm the results.

I told him to stay positive.

TIL HIV can cause hearing loss.

I guess the patients must have hearing aids.

My friend was worried about the results of his HIV test, so I told him to assume he was going to die.

I don't see why he got angry at me though, I was just want him to be negative.

A blonde, worried about the HIV crisis, walks into a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms.

"That will be $1.08, please," says the clerk.


"What's the 8 cents for?" asks the blonde.

"It says one dollar right here on the packaging."

"Tax," replies the clerk.

"Gee", says the blonde, "I thought you just rolled them on
and they stayed there.
Tacking th...

People living with HIV, what is your daily life like?

I’m guessing pretty positive

I wish I had HIV

So I would at least have one positive thing in my life

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers...

"Hello."

"Mrs. Joshi, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Joshi, this is Doctor Kanitkar from Max Laboratory.

When your husband's doctor sent his blood sample to the lab last week, a blood sample from another Mr. Joshi arrived as well...

We are now uncertain which one belon...

I told my dad I'm HIV Positive

He replied "Hi HIV positive, I'm dad!"

What’s the difficulty when your ex calls to tell you she got tested positive for HIV?

To seem to be surprised

I told my doctor i was scared and nervous when i got tested for HIV...

He said 'Just calm down and try to think positive.'

Did you hear that Mia Khalifa has HIV?

Finally doing something positive with her life.

Interviewer asked me to name my most positive quality

Turns out HIV won’t get you a job

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An alcoholic, a sex addict, and a stoner are all in hell...

The devil comes up to each of them and says he'll grant them each one wish.

So the devil goes and asks the alcoholic what he would like to wish for and the alcoholic responds "I wish for all the liquor I can drink!" The devil grants his wish and moves on to the sex addict. The sex addict wi...

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I went to a drug den dressed as HIV.

Nobody fucked with me.

The other day I was asked if I knew that there are two types of HIV

So I said of course hivs and hervs

What if HIV existed in Game of thrones?

Jason momowa would try to kill it

Gonorrhea, HIV, condominium, herpes: which is not like the others?

Gonorrhea, it's the only one you can get rid of.

What does HIV actually mean?

Roman numerals for a high-five, of course.

A man wakes up and finds himself alone in a hospital room.

He has no recollection of how he got there. While pondering his situation, his bedside phone rings, and he answers it.

A doctor on the other end identifies himself, and tells the man: "I have really bad news. You're very sick. After your collapse yesterday, we ordered several tests, and got...

TIFU getting ready for my HIV test.

I spent hours "cramming" the night before the test.

How did David Copperfield get HIV?

From doing Magic.

Every time I go to get an HIV test, I'm convinced it's going to come back positive

And every time, I'm right.

What do you call a Bee hive with no exits?

Unbelievable.

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A man and a woman have sex

They were a little irresponsible and didn't use a condom. After having sex they're in bed doing some pillow talk.

Man: Hey, you don't have any STDs or anything like that right?

Woman: Oh no, I'm clean.

Man: Oh good. I didn't want to catch HIV again.

A man is diagnosed with cancer and has 3 days to live

So he grabs his son to go to the bar. For two days the man and his son drink and have fun. Eventually some of his friends notice the strange behavior. They approach him and ask, “What’s wrong?” The man says “ I got diagnosed with HIV and only have one more day to live.” The friends give their condo...

Sending Positive Thoughts...

... is apparently the wrong card to get someone awaiting HIV test results.

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A person, diagnosed with HIV for years, decides to visit a wise old sage.

The person visits the wise man and asks him, "I am very depressed with my life. What should I do? Please gives me guidance, O wise man!"

The old man says, "When life gives you lemons, made lemonade."

The person then walks out.

Days pass by but the person is still as sad with hi...

HIV is a quite common disease

According to the statistics "One of Two and a half men gets it"

Who's better? HIV or a Black Dad?

HIV: It stays with the child after birth.

Credits: Irwincardozo Comics

My friend said he was worried he had HIV.

I said think about the positives.

Did you hear about the guy who’s surrounded by positive people at his workplace?

Yeah, he really hates his work at the HIV clinic.

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A man goes to his doctor...

...for a routine check up. After running some tests, the doctor looks at the man and says, "I have some bad news and positive news."

The man replies, "Tell me the positive news."

"Your HIV test."

"Shit, well what's the bad news?"

"Your HIV test."

Kids in class were asked to write 3 diseases

One kid wrote:

1. HIV, AIDS
2. Cancer
3. /

The teacher asked what's '/' ?

Student replied it's a stroke.

There isn't anything positive in my life.

Wait scratch that, there was that HIV test.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irish man were captured by a serial killer.

The serial killer said “I will kill you all, but as a final act of kindness I will let you each decide how I will kill you.”

The Englishman accepting his impending death said “I want to die by suffocation, but please make it quick.” So the serial killer picked up a pillow, smothered the face ...

Three men in prison are about to be executed.

There are three men standing in a prison yard, about to be executed for their crimes. They are offered a choice in execution style; beheading via guillotine, death by firing squad or an injection of HIV.

The first man chooses beheading. He's led to the guillotine by the guards, positioned, an...

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The Guru (potentially NSFW depending on words used)

Bill and Jeff are sitting at the local - Bill is complaining to Jeff that his elbow his hurting him and that he will have to go to the doctor and pay the high medical bills/etc that will come with it...


Jeff tells Bill to forget that, he should visit 10th and 3rd and see The Guru! Basical...

Time to spread positivity!

Edit: Later today I was arrested and detained at the HIV clinic.

Whom Do You Trust?

A redneck returns to the doctors after having some tests and asks what the results were. The doctor explains that he has some bad news, in fact, the patient is HIV positive.
"Hell, " says the man, "You can't trust anybody nowadays, not even your own kids!"

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Sex can be really dangerous

You can get Herpes, Chlamydia, HIV or even worse.... a relationship.

Dear people who wrongly say "ATM machine".

I hope you get the HIV virus.

What positive quality about someone also tells you something negative about them?

Their HIV test

Doctor: I have some bad and good news. First the negative—You have syphillis, chlamydia, and Hepatitis.

But on the positive side, HIV.

Positive...

James finds a friend whom he hasn't spoken with for a long time, so to be nice, he breaks the ice:

" -Hey Oscar, how are you doing?"

" -Terrible."

" -What?! What about your Ferrari?"

" -Wrecked in an accident... and the insurance had just expired."

" -Well, you win...

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A man takes his wife to the doctor.

The doctor examines her and tells him that she's either got Alzheimer's or HIV, he can't tell. The man asks for advice on what to do, the doctor tells him "Drive her out into the country and leave her there. If she finds her way home, don't fuck her."

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