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My girlfriend called me today and told me that she was HIV+

It's always hard to act surprised

The bubonic plague, the flu, and HIV walk into a bar.

The bartender asks, "What is this? Some kind of sick joke?".

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What will you get if a HIV positive person fucks your ear?

Hearing aids.

Fun fact: did you know that HIV is actually Roman for “high five”?

Pass it on – or, rather, don’t.

When life gives you HIV

you make koolaids

How come HIV isn't a major cause of depression?

Because it's not that hard to stay positive.

My old doctor said he could tell if someone was infected with HIV with just a stethoscope...

Because they’re useful hearing AIDS

A friend of mine asked me how he should react if his girlfriend tells him that she's HIV positive

I said, "The trick is to always act surprised."

What's the worst advice you can give someone with HIV?

Stay positive.

What do you call crocodile HIV?

GatorAIDS

Jake: I think I might be HIV positive

Paul: Omg I'm so sorry. How did you find out?

Jake: Well, I had accidentally come in someone's ear once, years ago. I saw her again yesterday

Paul: And..?

Jake: She has hearing AIDS now!

A man wakes up and finds himself alone in a hospital room.

He has no recollection of how he got there. While pondering his situation, his bedside phone rings, and he answers it.

A doctor on the other end identifies himself, and tells the man: "I have really bad news. You're very sick. After your collapse yesterday, we ordered several tests, and got...

A man says he can detect HIV just by listening To it

He calls the Programm "Hearing Aids"

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What's the hardest part about getting a call from an old sexual partner and them telling you that they have HIV.

Acting surprised.

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A man and a woman have sex

They were a little irresponsible and didn't use a condom. After having sex they're in bed doing some pillow talk.

Man: Hey, you don't have any STDs or anything like that right?

Woman: Oh no, I'm clean.

Man: Oh good. I didn't want to catch HIV again.

If Freddie Mercury transmitted HIV to someone...

...Was it considered Mercury poisoning?

What do you call a sugar daddy with HIV?

Financial AIDS

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How long has HIV been in Australia?

For dick AIDS.

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What's the difference between a black man and HIV?

HIV stays with the kids once they're born.

You know, I always thought that show Deadliest Catch was about HIV...

But here it turns out to be about Crabs

What did the hiv infested group of singers give to the groupie?

Band Aids

Do you think Charlie Sheen admitted to being HIV positive on national television...

because it was easier than making phone calls?

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irish man were captured by a serial killer.

The serial killer said “I will kill you all, but as a final act of kindness I will let you each decide how I will kill you.”

The Englishman accepting his impending death said “I want to die by suffocation, but please make it quick.” So the serial killer picked up a pillow, smothered the face ...

The other day I was asked if I knew that there are two types of HIV

So I said of course hivs and hervs

What if HIV existed in Game of thrones?

Jason momowa would try to kill it

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A person, diagnosed with HIV for years, decides to visit a wise old sage.

The person visits the wise man and asks him, "I am very depressed with my life. What should I do? Please gives me guidance, O wise man!"

The old man says, "When life gives you lemons, made lemonade."

The person then walks out.

Days pass by but the person is still as sad with hi...

I went to an HIV counseling meeting...

... They are a very positive group.

I wish I had HIV

So I would at least have one positive thing in my life

My friend was worried about the results of his HIV test, so I told him to assume he was going to die.

I don't see why he got angry at me though, I was just want him to be negative.

Either way, the results are not good

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'

'Mrs. Sanders, please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as wel...

What does a preacher have in common with an HIV patient?

They spread positivity.

Tax? A blonde, worried about the HIV crisis

A blonde, worried about the HIV crisis, walks into
a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms.
"That will be $1.08, please," says the clerk.
"What's the 8 cents for?" asks the blonde.
"It says one dollar right here on the packaging."
"Tax," replies the clerk.
"Gee", says the blo...

People living with HIV, what is your daily life like?

I’m guessing pretty positive

TIL HIV can cause hearing loss.

I guess the patients must have hearing aids.

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I went to a drug den dressed as HIV.

Nobody fucked with me.

Gonorrhea, HIV, condominium, herpes: which is not like the others?

Gonorrhea, it's the only one you can get rid of.

I recently had a HIV scare from a needle stick at work. If I came up positive for HIV, I could no longer hope to find a “ride or die” chick...

I could only hope to find a “ride *and* die” chick.

What does HIV actually mean?

Roman numerals for a high-five, of course.

How do you deal with an intern who's depressed because he just pricked his finger with a HIV contaminated needle?

You'll give him the PEP talk.

Did you hear that Mia Khalifa has HIV?

Finally doing something positive with her life.

Every time I go to get an HIV test, I'm convinced it's going to come back positive

And every time, I'm right.

How did David Copperfield get HIV?

From doing Magic.

A man is diagnosed with cancer and has 3 days to live

So he grabs his son to go to the bar. For two days the man and his son drink and have fun. Eventually some of his friends notice the strange behavior. They approach him and ask, “What’s wrong?” The man says “ I got diagnosed with HIV and only have one more day to live.” The friends give their condo...

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An alcoholic, a sex addict, and a stoner are all in hell...

The devil comes up to each of them and says he'll grant them each one wish.

So the devil goes and asks the alcoholic what he would like to wish for and the alcoholic responds "I wish for all the liquor I can drink!" The devil grants his wish and moves on to the sex addict. The sex addict wi...

HIV is a quite common disease

According to the statistics "One of Two and a half men gets it"

I told my dad I'm HIV Positive

He replied "Hi HIV positive, I'm dad!"

What’s the difficulty when your ex calls to tell you she got tested positive for HIV?

To seem to be surprised

TIFU getting ready for my HIV test.

I spent hours "cramming" the night before the test.

I told my doctor i was scared and nervous when i got tested for HIV...

He said 'Just calm down and try to think positive.'

Kids in class were asked to write 3 diseases

One kid wrote:

1. HIV, AIDS
2. Cancer
3. /

The teacher asked what's '/' ?

Student replied it's a stroke.

Sending Positive Thoughts...

... is apparently the wrong card to get someone awaiting HIV test results.

Interviewer asked me to name my most positive quality

Turns out HIV won’t get you a job

Who's better? HIV or a Black Dad?

HIV: It stays with the child after birth.

Credits: Irwincardozo Comics

My friend said he was worried he had HIV.

I said think about the positives.

Did you hear about the guy who’s surrounded by positive people at his workplace?

Yeah, he really hates his work at the HIV clinic.

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The Guru (potentially NSFW depending on words used)

Bill and Jeff are sitting at the local - Bill is complaining to Jeff that his elbow his hurting him and that he will have to go to the doctor and pay the high medical bills/etc that will come with it...


Jeff tells Bill to forget that, he should visit 10th and 3rd and see The Guru! Basical...

So anyway i started spreading my positivity

Now i dont know why everyone else at the HIV test center is staring at me

Three men in prison are about to be executed.

There are three men standing in a prison yard, about to be executed for their crimes. They are offered a choice in execution style; beheading via guillotine, death by firing squad or an injection of HIV.

The first man chooses beheading. He's led to the guillotine by the guards, positioned, an...

Time to spread positivity!

Edit: Later today I was arrested and detained at the HIV clinic.

Whom Do You Trust?

A redneck returns to the doctors after having some tests and asks what the results were. The doctor explains that he has some bad news, in fact, the patient is HIV positive.
"Hell, " says the man, "You can't trust anybody nowadays, not even your own kids!"

There isn't anything positive in my life.

Wait scratch that, there was that HIV test.

Dear people who wrongly say "ATM machine".

I hope you get the HIV virus.

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Sex can be really dangerous

You can get Herpes, Chlamydia, HIV or even worse.... a relationship.

What positive quality about someone also tells you something negative about them?

Their HIV test

I decided to do some good and spread some positivity...

The HIV clinic didn’t take well to it.

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A man goes to his doctor...

...for a routine check up. After running some tests, the doctor looks at the man and says, "I have some bad news and positive news."

The man replies, "Tell me the positive news."

"Your HIV test."

"Shit, well what's the bad news?"

"Your HIV test."

Doctor: I have some bad and good news. First the negative—You have syphillis, chlamydia, and Hepatitis.

But on the positive side, HIV.

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Why did the Romans say hi 5 times to the homosexuals?

Because HIV

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A man takes his wife to the doctor.

The doctor examines her and tells him that she's either got Alzheimer's or HIV, he can't tell. The man asks for advice on what to do, the doctor tells him "Drive her out into the country and leave her there. If she finds her way home, don't fuck her."

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