The 68+ Best Hiv Jokes - ↑UPJOKE↑

Fun fact: did you know that HIV is actually Roman for “high five”?

Pass it on – or, rather, don’t.

My girlfriend called me today and told me that she was HIV+

It's always hard to act surprised

When life gives you HIV

you make koolaids

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What will you get if a HIV positive person fucks your ear?

Hearing aids.

What's the worst advice you can give someone with HIV?

Stay positive.

How come HIV isn't a major cause of depression?

Because it's not that hard to stay positive.

I never understood what HIV is.

But I got it now.

Jake: I think I might be HIV positive

Paul: Omg I'm so sorry. How did you find out?

Jake: Well, I had accidentally come in someone's ear once, years ago. I saw her again yesterday

Paul: And..?

Jake: She has hearing AIDS now!

A friend of mine asked me how he should react if his girlfriend tells him that she's HIV positive

I said, "The trick is to always act surprised."

A man is diagnosed with cancer and has 3 days to live

So he grabs his son to go to the bar. For two days the man and his son drink and have fun. Eventually some of his friends notice the strange behavior. They approach him and ask, “What’s wrong?” The man says “ I got diagnosed with HIV and only have one more day to live.” The friends give their condo...

What's the hardest part when your ex tells you she is HIV positive

Trying to act surprised.

My old doctor said he could tell if someone was infected with HIV with just a stethoscope...

Because they’re useful hearing AIDS

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What's the difference between a black man and HIV?

HIV stays with the kids once they're born.

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I went to a drug den dressed as HIV.

Nobody fucked with me.

Do you think Charlie Sheen admitted to being HIV positive on national television...

because it was easier than making phone calls?

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There’s this new medicine that prevents you from contracting HIV from oral sex.

It’s called Meal PrEP

I wish I had HIV

So I would at least have one positive thing in my life

I went to an HIV counseling meeting...

... They are a very positive group.

If Freddie Mercury transmitted HIV to someone...

...Was it considered Mercury poisoning?

What did the hiv infested group of singers give to the groupie?

Band Aids

Either way, the results are not good

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'

'Mrs. Sanders, please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as wel...

TIL HIV can cause hearing loss.

I guess the patients must have hearing aids.

I told my dad I'm HIV Positive

He replied "Hi HIV positive, I'm dad!"

You know, I always thought that show Deadliest Catch was about HIV...

But here it turns out to be about Crabs

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How long has HIV been in Australia?

For dick AIDS.

HIV is a quite common disease

According to the statistics "One of Two and a half men gets it"

I recently had a HIV scare from a needle stick at work. If I came up positive for HIV, I could no longer hope to find a “ride or die” chick...

I could only hope to find a “ride *and* die” chick.

TIFU getting ready for my HIV test.

I spent hours "cramming" the night before the test.

What do you call a Bee hive with no exits?

Unbelievable.

How did David Copperfield get HIV?

From doing Magic.

What does a preacher have in common with an HIV patient?

They spread positivity.

What does HIV actually mean?

Roman numerals for a high-five, of course.

A man wakes up and finds himself alone in a hospital room.

He has no recollection of how he got there. While pondering his situation, his bedside phone rings, and he answers it.

A doctor on the other end identifies himself, and tells the man: "I have really bad news. You're very sick. After your collapse yesterday, we ordered several tests, and got...

I told my doctor i was scared and nervous when i got tested for HIV...

He said 'Just calm down and try to think positive.'

Every time I go to get an HIV test, I'm convinced it's going to come back positive

And every time, I'm right.

My friend was worried about the results of his HIV test, so I told him to assume he was going to die.

I don't see why he got angry at me though, I was just want him to be negative.

Interviewer asked me to name my most positive quality

Turns out HIV won’t get you a job

Sending Positive Thoughts...

... is apparently the wrong card to get someone awaiting HIV test results.

A blonde, worried about the HIV crisis, walks into a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms.

"That will be $1.08, please," says the clerk.

"What's the 8 cents for?" asks the blonde.

"It says one dollar right here on the packaging."

"Tax," replies the clerk.

"Gee", says the blonde, "I thought you just rolled them on
and they stayed there.
Tacking th...

People living with HIV, what is your daily life like?

I’m guessing pretty positive

Gonorrhea, HIV, condominium, herpes: which is not like the others?

Gonorrhea, it's the only one you can get rid of.

Who's better? HIV or a Black Dad?

HIV: It stays with the child after birth.

Credits: Irwincardozo Comics

Oh sure, when a white man has HIV; people say he has AIDS. But when a black guy has it...

He has Kool Aids

My friend told he's been diagnosed with HIV, and has to go for a retest to confirm the results.

I told him to stay positive.

My friend said he was worried he had HIV.

I said think about the positives.

What’s the difficulty when your ex calls to tell you she got tested positive for HIV?

To seem to be surprised

How do you deal with an intern who's depressed because he just pricked his finger with a HIV contaminated needle?

You'll give him the PEP talk.

An old man goes to see the doctor.

An old man goes to see the doctor.

Upon getting there, the doctor sighs and looks at him with pity.

"Peter, I have bad news and worse news. Which would you like first?"

"Give me the worse news now doctor, so that the less bad news don't matter much anymore."<...

Did you hear about the guy who’s surrounded by positive people at his workplace?

Yeah, he really hates his work at the HIV clinic.

Kids in class were asked to write 3 diseases

One kid wrote:

1. HIV, AIDS
2. Cancer
3. /

The teacher asked what's '/' ?

Student replied it's a stroke.

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A man and a woman have sex

They were a little irresponsible and didn't use a condom. After having sex they're in bed doing some pillow talk.

Man: Hey, you don't have any STDs or anything like that right?

Woman: Oh no, I'm clean.

Man: Oh good. I didn't want to catch HIV again.

Time to spread positivity!

Edit: Later today I was arrested and detained at the HIV clinic.

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A person, diagnosed with HIV for years, decides to visit a wise old sage.

The person visits the wise man and asks him, "I am very depressed with my life. What should I do? Please gives me guidance, O wise man!"

The old man says, "When life gives you lemons, made lemonade."

The person then walks out.

Days pass by but the person is still as sad with hi...

The other day I was asked if I knew that there are two types of HIV

So I said of course hivs and hervs

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A man goes to his doctor...

...for a routine check up. After running some tests, the doctor looks at the man and says, "I have some bad news and positive news."

The man replies, "Tell me the positive news."

"Your HIV test."

"Shit, well what's the bad news?"

"Your HIV test."

A Farmer leaves his farm in the care of the farmhand

A farmer has to travel for a week, so he leaves his farm in the care of his farmhand. Before he goes, he instructs him: 'Do not call me for every little issue or problem you have. Only if it's a big issue, contact me!'

Four days pass and the farmhand calls him at his hotel: "Boss, the broom ...

There isn't anything positive in my life.

Wait scratch that, there was that HIV test.

I decided to do some good and spread some positivity...

The HIV clinic didn’t take well to it.

Three men in prison are about to be executed.

There are three men standing in a prison yard, about to be executed for their crimes. They are offered a choice in execution style; beheading via guillotine, death by firing squad or an injection of HIV.

The first man chooses beheading. He's led to the guillotine by the guards, positioned, an...

What positive quality about someone also tells you something negative about them?

Their HIV test

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Sex can be really dangerous

You can get Herpes, Chlamydia, HIV or even worse.... a relationship.

Doctor: I have some bad and good news. First the negative—You have syphillis, chlamydia, and Hepatitis.

But on the positive side, HIV.

Dear people who wrongly say "ATM machine".

I hope you get the HIV virus.

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[NSFW] Urban Dictionary word example

Tony: "Bro, I rage fucked Taylor last night!"

Frankie: "What!? She ha......"

Tony: "Hell ya! It was awesome. I took all my anger out on her! Felt so good!"

Frankie: "But she ha......"

Tony: "Best day of my life! Wait sorry I interrupted you again. What were you going ...

Whom Do You Trust?

A redneck returns to the doctors after having some tests and asks what the results were. The doctor explains that he has some bad news, in fact, the patient is HIV positive.
"Hell, " says the man, "You can't trust anybody nowadays, not even your own kids!"

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Why did the Romans say hi 5 times to the homosexuals?

Because HIV

My girlfriend asked me for a Hi5 the other night

Ended up giving her HIV

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irish man were captured by a serial killer.

The serial killer said “I will kill you all, but as a final act of kindness I will let you each decide how I will kill you.”

The Englishman accepting his impending death said “I want to die by suffocation, but please make it quick.” So the serial killer picked up a pillow, smothered the face ...

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