UPJOKE
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I want to make a joke about hurricane Harvey

But I am scared my inbox will be flooded

How are marriage and a hurricane similar?

In the beginning theres lots of blowing and in the end you lose your house.

Have you heard about the street performer who did his act in the middle of a hurricane?

It was mime-blowing

A man walks into a bar and orders a Corona and two hurricanes...

The bartender says that'll be $20.20

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What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?

Hold on to your nuts this will be one hell of a blow job!

(My brother and I heard this in the school yard when we were 9&6 respectively. That night he told it at the dinner table when my grandma was over!)

How is a woman similar to a hurricane?

When they come they are wet and wild. When they leave the take your house and your car.

What happened when a hurricane hit Alabama?

It caused 10 million dollars worth of improvements.

What's Irish, sits outside and rarely survives a Florida hurricane

Paddy O' Furniture

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You know why they call them a hurricane and not a himicane?

Because they come in all wet and wild, and when they leave you ain't got shit left.

My uncle wants to publish a cookbook that teaches people how to prepare nutritious and tasty meals using the kinds of meagre rations that are available in the aftermath of a hurricane/earthquake/flood/etc.

I told him it sounds like a recipe for disaster.

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What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

Hold on to your nuts. This ain’t no ordinary blowjob.

A politician visited a village in Haiti after a devastating hurricane.

Upon arrival, he asked what their needs were.

“We have 2 basic needs sir,” replied the villager.

“Firstly, we have a hospital, but there's no doctor.”

On hearing this, the politician whipped out his phone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In America, great big massive storms are called Hurricanes

In India they're called Cyclones

In Japan they're called Typhoons

In Britain they're called Wednesdays

How what are similarities between and hurricane and a woman?

When they come they are wet and wild and by the time the leave the take your house and your car!


p.s

Don’t know where the how came from... sorry for it!
Also, it’s my cake day!!!!

In 1959, the Florida panhandle was hit with a devastating hurricane...

In 1959, the Florida panhandle was hit with a devastating hurricane. Many of the buildings and homes in Destin were damaged. The "Gulfarium", which had opened a few years earlier, was largely undamaged. Their diesel generators were meant for the numerous fish and marine mammals, but could easily han...

A teacher asked the children in her 3rd-year class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny answered first. "I want to start out as a S.A.S. officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of militant Muslims, return as a national hero, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana...

My love making is like rain in a hurricane.

You’ll get 4” per hour & very wet.

I often wonder why hurricanes have names like Andrew, Elisa, Katrina, Dorian, Irma

Name a hurricane: Death Megatron 2000, they'll automatically evacuate from their

I always get a little sad during hurricane season in south Florida...

...you could say I have tropical depression.

What do a hurricane, a tornado and a red neck divorce all have in common?

In every case, someone loses a trailer.

Hurricane Season

The husband was ready for the last major hurricane to threaten their home, but his wife was not.

When the wind reached a screaming pitch with the trees snapping and threshing, the horizontal streaming rain, flying roofing iron and destroyed fences as well as the unnerving sound-levels, his...

Why do hurricanes get such boring names, like Sandy?

Name that thing Hurricane Death Megatron 900 and I guarantee people will be evacuating like rats.

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as a volunteer medical assistant I worked at an impromptu doctor's office in new orleans after hurricane katrina..

We set up tents in order to give our patients a little bit of privacy and unfortunately we were lacking in the equipment we needed. The doctors had to resort to somewhat extreme measures in order to help this ravaged population which meant reusing equipment that could be, and making sure everything ...

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A hurricane is headed for a small town. The news says that everyone needs to evacuate. A religious man in the town says "I'm not going to leave my home, God will protect me".

The hurricane hits, and it's bad. There's mass flooding, and the police come to the man's door and tell him he needs to leave. The man says "I'm not afraid, God will protect me." The police give up and leave him.

The water rises in his house, so the man is forced to climb onto his roof. Just...

I’m writing a book about hurricanes and tornadoes..

It’s only a draft at the moment.

Why do hurricanes often have women's names?

They're wet and wild at first then after a while they end in tragedy often leaving men homeless!

A big hurricane came by and washed a beach away...

The sea rises by and says "Oy! Beach! Where's the rest of ya!?". The beach replies: "I'm not shore anymore."

What do a Hurricane and a wife have in common?

One day it is wet and exciting and the next day your house is gone.

BREAKING NEWS! A hurricane has just hit New Jersey...

It has inflicted about $25,000 worth of improvement.

How is Hurricane Florence like my ex wife?

They start off wet and wild but in the end, they take your house.

What do a tornado, a hurricane, and a redneck divorce have in common?

Somebody's gonna lose their trailer.

What happens to a sailboat in a category 5 hurricane?

MAST DESTRUCTION!!!

I'll ~~see~~ sea myself out...

What do Hurricane Matthew and Kim Kardashian have in common?

They'll both blow the entire east coast just to get on TV

A hurricane tore off a quarter of my roof.

oof.

What did Hurricane Tyrone say as it made landfall?

Where the white beaches at?!?

Hurricanes are a lot like marriage

First there’s a lot of blowing. Then your house is gone.

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Whats similar between a hurricane and women?

They come in hot and wet and leave with **THE LAWN CHAIRS WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARA YOU BITCH!**

It's too early for hurricane jokes

wait for everything to blow over first.

Katy Perry sang that after a hurricane comes a rainbow, but you know what else comes after a hurricane?

A moron in a suit.

A devout Christian man living in New Orleans refuses to leave his home after hearing news of an imminent hurricane and flood.

A richly devout Christian man lives alone in New Orleans. He keeps to himself mostly, isolating himself in prayer and self-reflection with little care for the outside world.


One day, the man notices it growing dark outside earlier than normal. He steps outside and feels the wind has pick...

A hurricane comes unexpectedly.

The ship goes down and is lost. A man finds himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to five-star hotels, this guy has no idea what to do, so for the next four months he eats bananas, drinks coconut juice and longs for his...

It dawned on me in the shower that my ex gf must be related to hurricane Dorian. You've been waiting for them to come but they just keep gyrating until they exhaust themselves.

The worst though is when you see the video of them ravaging and gushing all over their previous fling, leaving you feeling completely inadequate and devastated.

hurricane

A hurricane blew across the Caribbean. It didn't take long for the expensive yacht to be swamped by high waves, sinking without a trace. There were only two survivors: the boat's owner, Dr. Smythe and the steward, Marcus who managed to swim to the closest island. After reaching the deserted strip of...

How is marriage like a Hurricane?

In the the beginning you get blown a lot

and it ends with you losing your house.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Women are like Hurricanes

They come into your life wild and free and then leave with the PATIO FURNITURE WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARAH YOU BITCH

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are hurricanes the best natural disaster?

They at least have the decency to get you wet before violently fucking you!

Last week we had an earthquake, a hurricane, and a LITERAL serpentine fire so, on this auspicious day, I'd just like to say:

OK, Earth Wind & Fire...

WE REMEMBER THE 21ST NIGHT OF SEPTEMBER!!!

Fitting joke for Hurricane Harvey

This is a Joke my Dad (who is Catholic) once told me when I was young. With Hurricane Harvey currently outside my window, I was reminded of it. Maybe it will give some humor to those currently in worse off areas than I.


A woman lives on the Texas coastline. Her town orders her to evacua...

During a major hurricane the order is given to evacuate.

However a devout christian is confident that the lord will protect him from the storm.

As the water begins to rise a police man comes by in a 4 wheel drive and makes a call for evacuation.

“The lord will save us.” The man says confidently. The cop shrugs and drives off.

The w...

I took a picture of Hurricane Dorian

but it came out Grey.

Hurricane Harvey is no joke.

https://twitter.com/fema/status/902646949479841793


To find out how to help, follow the link above.

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What do you call it when Bob Dylan sucks your dick in a hurricane?

The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind. The answer is blowing in the wind

Remember Hurricane Sandy that hit New York a couple years ago? They made a mixed drink after it

It’s pretty much a watered down manhattan

What did the well-intended but lazy pimp tweet out after a hurricane?

“I’m sending my thots and prayers.”

After Trump changes course of hurricane with a sharpie

House approves budget of 12 crayons for border wall

A hurricane walks into a bar

The owner doesn’t have insurance so his life is pretty much ruined.

In the wake of Hurricane Dorian, President Trump names a new Disaster Assistance Ambassador to The Bahamas. "He's the best. He'll do a great job, believe me." the President said.

Ja Rule reportedly accepted the position via Twitter.

Astronauts release a photo of Hurricane Harvey...

Astronauts released a photo of Hurricane Harvey as seen from the the International Space Station. They sent a short message along with the photograph; "Houston, you have a problem."

If you live in Florida, make sure to take a black and white photo of the hurricane this weekend.

I'm not exactly sure why, but I've heard a lot of buzz about a picture of Dorian, grey. People seem pretty wilde about it.

Because the Hurricane Made Landfall at Night...

...does that make it Florence Night-in Gale?

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What does Hurricane Katrina and Kim Kardashian have in common?

They have both swallowed hundreds of black kids :)

You hear about the new drink called The Hurricane Dorian?

It's just a watered down Bahama Mama..

Hurricane Humor

Me: Are you going to evacuate?

Friend: Namaste.

America sure is having some bad luck with the recent hurricanes.

As if it's built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

How to take a hurricane seriously

If the US wants to take hurricanes seriously they need to give them Muslim names. We got Irma and people don't care. But when the weatherman starts saying Abdullah is coming at Florida as a category 5, the whole country would evacuate.

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I Have No Fear. God Will Protect Me.

In the midst of a heavy hurricane season, a small town in Florida is alerted as likely to be hit very hard by one particular storm. An emergency notice it sent out to evacuate the town in anticipation of major flooding. One man in the town, Steve, refuses to leave his house, claiming, "I have no fea...

We should just name hurricanes after politicians.

That way we wouldn't have to worry about them actually coming through with anything.

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The hurricane Sandy.

A guy goes to a bar and looks at the drink menu to see if he can try a new cocktail that he never had before. He noticed there is a drink on the menu named "Hurricane Sandy." The guy never heard of it before so he asks the bartender what is it. The bartender replied "It's a watered down Manhattan...

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Hurricane Gussy (NSFW?)

A man enters a brothel and tells the madam he's looking for something new and exciting.

The madam says "Well, we have one girl who is a contortionist."

The man says "No, that's too ordinary."

The madam thinks for a moment and says "What about a Hurricane Gussy? Have you ever ...

How do you find the eye of a hurricane?

Look near the c!

A reporter is interviewing a Florida victim of Hurricane Michael.

In the background, a scene of complete devastation; the roof is gone, half of the walls are down, personal possessions scattered around. The person looks shell-shocked, with an unfocused gaze. The hair is wild, clothes disheveled, dirt smudges on the face and arms.

"So what are you going to d...

In a strange way, I was really looking forward to the hurricane and I was disappointed when it was downgraded...

I thought others round these here parts would echo my sentiment, but I guess Carolinians are used to being disappointed by the Hurricanes.

HURRICANE SANDY UPDATE

Mitt Romney has advised everyone in the path of Hurricane Sandy to make their way to their 2nd or 3rd homes immediately.

Why were hurricanes and tropical storms originally always given women's names?

Because when they first come along it's all wet and wild with lots of suckin and blowin, but by the time it's over and they leave - your house is gone, your boat's gone, your truck's gone...

If Hurricane Dorian becomes a major hurricane...

Will it be called Hurricane Mixolydian?

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I did the math on Hurricane Florence rain fall...

There is predicted to be 17 Trillion gallons of rain falling from Florence.

The width of a milk jug is 5.5"

Rain x Width = 93 Trillion inches

93 Trillion divided by 12 gets you 7,791,666,666,666 Feet

Divided by 5280

1,475,694,444 Miles

Divided by 93,000,000 ...

What do Hurricane Harvey and Harvey Weinstein have in common?

They are both massive bodies that devastated countless victims.

What is the difference between Hurricane Harvey and Harvey Weinstein?

Hurricane Harvey actually made its victims wet.

A hurricane named Florence and no "Aunt Flo" jokes?

Hope there's no red tide.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?

Hold on to your coconuts, this ain't gonna be your average blowjob.


As told to me by a passing homeless man yesterday...

Hurricane Irma was coming, and my mother was thirsty.

My mother has a glass of port wine with almost
every dinner, and insists that any guests over 21 do the same. A handful of my friends have also come to wait out the storm with us, as they had to evacuate. While at the grocery store stocking up on food, my mother insists on getting more wine for ...

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