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Flu Jokes

What happened when the flu joined instagram?

She became an influenza!

Jim had been out for a few days with the flu. Back at work,...

...he ran into a friend of his, who asked him, "Jim, how are you feeling?"

"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience," Jim replied.

"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?"

"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know, whenever the mailman came by...

You should get your flu vaccination.

It's worth a shot.

Have you guys heard about the bird flu?

I mean, I don’t know why it’s such a big deal. They tend to do that quite often.

What do you call an astronomer with the stomach flu?

A gastrophysicist

What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

One requires a tweetment and one requires an oinkment.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend was down with the flu, but still insisted on having sex.

What a sick fuck.

I once caught the flu...

...at the Airport.

Think it was a Terminal Disease

What do vegans get instead of bird flu?

Toflu

Smallpox, the Spanish Flu, and the black death have already done the whole global pandemic thing...

What covid is doing is just plaguerism.

They're vaccinating against bird flu again

Call it a rooster shot

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whats the similarity between avian flu and prostate cancer

cock inspection

Mexicans in the US should bear responsibility for their Spanish flu

ency, which has inspired so many to learn a second language. True MVPs.

As a doctor, I feel uncomfortable making jokes about people who refuse to take flu vaccines.

But let me give it a shot.

Police found a large number of dead crows on the A251 just outside Ashford yesterday morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Bird Flu...

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and it's been confirmed the problem was not Bird Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts, however, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analysing...

A 102 year old woman who survived the 1918 Spanish Flu has now beaten coronavirus TWICE

But she was no match for my car

My neighbor uses a wood stove, but lately he's had the flu and been too sick to chop his own wood. Do you think it would be a nice gesture to go chop some firewood for him?

Axeing for a friend.

Condoms are better then flu shots

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prep...

More bad news - there's a new avian flu

Called Cherpes

It's a canarial disease

It's untweetable

If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it.

It's spam.

I caught a really bad case of the flu in Madrid.

Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.

"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"

The doctor strolled i...

Over 99.99% of people that took the vaccine for the 1918 Spanish Flu have passed away.

This seems very suspicious to me!

An old Jewish man is taken ill with the flu

His wife looks after him, and as he continues to worsen, she asks him if there's anything she can get to help.

"Yes, go get a priest."

"A priest? But we're Jewish!"

"What, I should get the Rabbi sick too?"

Why did the guy with a lisp hit on the girl with the flu?

Because she was thicc

What is the best way to avoid asian flu?

Have a Phu shot.

Why did the redneck get colored pencils before he got his flu shot?

He heard that vaccines can make you artistic.

What do you call an Indian doctor who likes telling dad jokes and give flu shots?

Pun-Jabby

First Rule of Corona Flu self-isolation

If you can't reach it from the couch

You don't need it.

Everybody was Kung Flu fighting.

But the virus was as fast as lightning.

What do you call someone doing yoga with the flu?

Sick and twisted.

"Doctor, Doctor, I think I've got the swine flu."

"Here's an oinkment to make it better."

It’s the cold and flu time of year

Or as I like to call it, Vitamin C-son.

When I told my parents my wife had come down with the flu, my Dad said,

"Well have you tried euthanasia?"
In the background I could hear my Mom yell, "For the last time Henry, it's pronounced 'Echinacea'! Echinacea'!!!!

Did you hear that the pope got the bird flu?

Apparently he got it from a cardinal

Randomly came up with this joke laying in bed one night - What do you call a bald eagle with the flu that migrates from Mexico to the US?

An ill eagle immigrant...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s flu season and I just saw 3 homeless people caring for each other.

They were giving each other flu shots under the overpass. What a caring community we live in God Bless.

This is my first joke. Be nice!

A doctor says grimly to a patient, "You are a very sick man. You've been diagnosed with covid, monkey pox, swine flu, Ebola, and bubonic plague all at the same time."

"Is there anything that can be done to help me?" asks the patient.

"Amazingly, there is," says the doctor. "First, we'...

Everyone is posting photos of people from the 1910's wearing masks to protect themselves from the Spanish flu to try and convince people to wear masks now...

Idiots. If masks work, then why are all those people in the pictures dead?

What do you call a bunch of pandemic flu victims that all ignore social distancing and get together for a party?

A murder of crovids

I caught bird flu while waiting for a flight at the airport

I have since found out it is a terminal illness.

What do you call a person who has flu but does not isolate themselves and is very active on social media?

Influen(zer)

What's the first sign that you have caught bird flu?

Fowl symptoms.

The US government has been there for us through hard times From the great depression, the numerous market crashes, through pandemics of flu and tragedies like the loss of American lives.

I'm starting to think they're bad luck

Covid-19 is just like the flu, don't believe in all social media that are fear mongering.

Spread the word and be positive

Life before the computer:

Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show.

A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu.

A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad wa...

Did you hear about the aspiring YouTube star that died from the flu?

He finally went viral.

A guy's wife and kids all came down with the flu. Upon returning home from the doctor's office with his four kids, he turned his attention to his ailing wife.

After preparing some chicken soup for her, he picked up the phone to call her doctor.

The receptionist picked up and he related the situation to her. She then told him that the office was going to be closed for a couple of days, but that his wife could have an appointment in 3 days.

He...

I might have gotten the flu in China

Well, WHO cares?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear what happened when Oedipus got flu?

He became one sick mother fucker.

The flu is kinda like my last girlfriend

Lasted for 2 weeks and got it from my best friend

The bird flu is pretty nasty

Luckily, it's tweetable.

A patient tells his doctor he thinks he contracted Swine Flu and Avian Flu at the same time.

The doctor tells him "I'll believe that when pigs fly."

My buddy and I both have the flu.

I invited him over for Netflix & chills.

Where is the flu most common?

In cities with high levels of congestion!!

"The word of the day is 'contagious'" Said the teacher, "Who can use it in a sentence?"

Little Jenny stood up and said "My dad has a cold and said its contagious"

The teacher praised Jenny and ask for an example from another student.

Billy stood up and said "Miss, my mum has the flu, and I think its contagious"

Happy with Billy's response, the teacher asked for on...

So I went into get a flu vaccine today.

The nurse that was administering the Vaccine asked me the prequalifying questions. Have you had a flu vaccine before? Yes. Have you done your research on the vaccine? Yes. Do you understand the possible side effects? Actually I am quite excited about the side effects. She looks at me confused. ...

My friend came down with a flu... then started singing 80s bangers.

We think he may have the MySharona Virus.

Went to the doctor's office for my flu shot. He promised it wouldn't hurt...

Insensitive prick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is rumor of a new "Amish Flu" out of Pennsylvania...

the symptoms are low grade fever, and you will get a little hoarse and Buggy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Father tells this one at every family get together. (Apologies in advance if that has been posted here already)

So Mrs. Rodgers is a 3rd grade English teacher, and each Monday she gives her students a new vocabulary word. The students' task is to come up with a sentence using the new vocabulary word by the following day. This week the word is "contagious."

So Tuesday morning rolls around and Mrs. Rodg...

A man wakes up and finds himself alone in a hospital room.

He has no recollection of how he got there. While pondering his situation, his bedside phone rings, and he answers it.

A doctor on the other end identifies himself, and tells the man: "I have really bad news. You're very sick. After your collapse yesterday, we ordered several tests, and got...

What’s the difference between flying pigs and honest politicians?

There actually was a time when Swine Flu.

Did you know that during child birth there is a point where the lady experiences such excruciating pain that for a moment

She almost knows how bad it is to be a man who has the flu

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Recovering from the flu

Finally, I feel like I've made some progress getting over this flu I've had for nearly a week.

This morning, I sneezed and did not shit my pants.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(original) I just got my flu shot and tried to draw something, but it still looks shitty.

I thought it was supposed to make me artistic?

100 people get the Swine Flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. ...

100 people get the Swine Flu and everybody wants to wear a mask.

A million people have AIDS and no one wants to wear a condom!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Take the 5:15pm train.

A married couple would have sex every night at 5:15pm when they got home from work. One day, the wife comes down with the flu and they had to abstain for a couple weeks while she recovered. Inside her body, the last 3 cells were meeting up knowing it was only a matter of time til the anti bodies got...

A teacher asks her class to come up with a sentence...

...that contains the word "contagious."

Amy stands up and says "Last week my mummy had the flu. It was contagious." "Very good," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Then Becky stands up and says "a long time ago the Bubonic Plague affected a lot of Europe and because it was very contagiou...

A teacher asks her class to use the word Contagious in a sentence...

Harry says: 'At the End of WW1 there was the spanish flu & it was very contagious'

'That's right', said the teacher



Jessica stands up & says: 'In Europe during the middle ages there was the bubonic plague & it was highly contagious'


'Well Done' notes th...

In an elementary school English class, kids are learning the word “contagious”. Teacher calls on students, asking them to use it in a sentence.

- “Susan?”

- “I had a flu and mommy made me stay home for 3 days because I was contagious!”

- “Very good. What about you, Johnny?”

- “Our neighbor Mrs. Henderson has started painting her fence last night, daddy says it’s gonna take the contagious!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Irish exchange student

I was volunteering in my sons 1st grade class. During their vocabulary session the teacher begins her lesson with the word Contagious.

So the teacher asks, “can anyone use the word contagious in a sentence?”

And of course, there is a little girl in the front who raises her hand. “The ...

A lemon gets sick

A lemon is walking home late one night and gets caught in a thunderstorm. With no raincoat or umbrella around, he toughs it out and paces home as quickly as possible.

Unfortunately, the lemon ends up catching a cold with some light fever and coughs from prolonged exposure in the rain and cold...

What is the most common illness in China?

Kung Flu.

John thought he could never catch an illness. When his co-worker asked him if he ever gets sick, he would always say “The day I become ill will be the day pigs fly.”

A few months later, it finally happened.

The swine flu.

This person told me "When pigs fly I'll get my kid vaccinated!"

Alas, swine flu.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the best name for the groups of armed anti-stay-at-home protesters?

Vanilla Isis

Flu Klux Klan

Lack Panthers

HamAss

Meal Team Six

Gravy Seals

Irrational Guard

Y'all Qaeda

Branch Covidians

Boko Moron

The Coughedaracy

101st Chairborne

Cosplaytriots

The Yeehadis

Hogan's Ze...

Shakespeare goes into a clinic with a fever and asks

Flu B or not Flu B?

I’m sick of martial arts.

I have kung flu.

(Brought to you by my 8 year old)

A politician visits a rural area to gain appeal for the upcoming elections

He schedules a meeting with the local leaders to discuss problems the town has been experiencing so that he could provide help and solutions.

"Governor, our town has been experiencing two big problems," says one of the leaders

The politician pounds his table, "Ok tell me what they are,...

Why did China cancel Chinese New Years?

Everybody was kung-flu fighting.

In other news

Inspired by Colin Mochrie's 6:00 News on Who's Line, I tried to come up with my own.

We now return you to your 6:00 news. I'm your host, Armand Dangerous. Earlier today, a man who lost a digit to his foot after a grievous skiing accident underwent a groundbreaking surgery where he requested t...

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