Flu Jokes

She became an influenza!

One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.

...he ran into a friend of his, who asked him, "Jim, how are you feeling?"

"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience," Jim replied.

"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?"

"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know, whenever the mailman came by... read more

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and it's been confirmed the problem was not Bird Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts, however, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analysing... read more

His wife looks after him, and as he continues to worsen, she asks him if there's anything she can get to help.

"Yes, go get a priest."

"A priest? But we're Jewish!"

"What, I should get the Rabbi sick too?"

But she was no match for my car

*CAAAASHEW!*

What covid is doing is just plaguerism.

Call it a rooster shot

ency, which has inspired so many to learn a second language. True MVPs.

But let me give it a shot.

Toflu

...at the Airport.

Think it was a Terminal Disease

Axeing for a friend.

I mean, I don’t know why it’s such a big deal. They tend to do that quite often.

If you can't reach it from the couch

You don't need it.

A gastrophysicist

It's worth a shot.

This seems very suspicious to me!

Apparently he got it from a cardinal

Have a Phu shot.

He heard that vaccines can make you artistic.

Called Cherpes

It's a canarial disease

It's untweetable

It's spam.

But the virus was as fast as lightning.

Sick and twisted.

"Well have you tried euthanasia?"
In the background I could hear my Mom yell, "For the last time Henry, it's pronounced 'Echinacea'! Echinacea'!!!!

Because she was thicc

An ill eagle immigrant...

Idiots. If masks work, then why are all those people in the pictures dead?

A murder of crovids

"Here's an oinkment to make it better."

...oh wait.

Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.

"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"

The doctor strolled i... read more

Influen(zer)

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prep... read more

It's transmitted from crows and ravens to people. They've named it Corvid-19

I'm starting to think they're bad luck

Fowl symptoms.

Murder most fowl.

I have since found out it is a terminal illness.

Or as I like to call it, Vitamin C-son.

Spread the word and be positive

After preparing some chicken soup for her, he picked up the phone to call her doctor.

The receptionist picked up and he related the situation to her. She then told him that the office was going to be closed for a couple of days, but that his wife could have an appointment in 3 days.

He... read more

He has no recollection of how he got there. While pondering his situation, his bedside phone rings, and he answers it.

A doctor on the other end identifies himself, and tells the man: "I have really bad news. You're very sick. After your collapse yesterday, we ordered several tests, and got... read more

It's more catchy.

There actually was a time when Swine Flu.

The nurse that was administering the Vaccine asked me the prequalifying questions. Have you had a flu vaccine before? Yes. Have you done your research on the vaccine? Yes. Do you understand the possible side effects? Actually I am quite excited about the side effects. She looks at me confused. ... read more

Well, WHO cares?

Luckily, it's tweetable.

Lasted for 2 weeks and got it from my best friend

He finally went viral.

The doctor tells him "I'll believe that when pigs fly."

100 people get the Swine Flu and everybody wants to wear a mask.

A million people have AIDS and no one wants to wear a condom!

but swine flu.

Insensitive prick.

So it seems you’ve tested positive for the Chinese virus, the so-called Covid NINETEEN, the Corona—nobody knows what to call it, quite frankly. It’s the most amazing thing, no one knew anything about Corona until a few weeks ago.

But the moment I heard about it—the Wuhan flu; it’s also the W... read more

Chirpees... a canarial disease... un-tweetable.

In cities with high levels of congestion!!

They flu

She almost knows how bad it is to be a man who has the flu

Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show.

A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu.

A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad wa... read more

Little Jenny stood up and said "My dad has a cold and said its contagious"

The teacher praised Jenny and ask for an example from another student.

Billy stood up and said "Miss, my mum has the flu, and I think its contagious"

Happy with Billy's response, the teacher asked for on... read more

Flu B or not Flu B?

A lemon is walking home late one night and gets caught in a thunderstorm. With no raincoat or umbrella around, he toughs it out and paces home as quickly as possible.

Unfortunately, the lemon ends up catching a cold with some light fever and coughs from prolonged exposure in the rain and cold... read more