UPJOKE
pandemicpneumoniainfluenzafeverhivasthmavirusvaccinebirdepidemicswine flumeaslescholeracoughsymptom

The bubonic plague, the flu, and HIV walk into a bar.

The bartender asks, "What is this? Some kind of sick joke?".

What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

For bird flu you need tweetment and swine flu you need oinkment.

Bird flu

Bird landed

They're vaccinating against bird flu again

Call it a rooster shot

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Whats the similarity between avian flu and prostate cancer

cock inspection

Mexicans in the US should bear responsibility for their Spanish flu

ency, which has inspired so many to learn a second language. True MVPs.

What happened when the flu joined instagram?

She became an influenza!

Did you hear that the pope got the bird flu?

Apparently he got it from a cardinal

Smallpox, the Spanish Flu, and the black death have already done the whole global pandemic thing...

What covid is doing is just plaguerism.

As a doctor, I feel uncomfortable making jokes about people who refuse to take flu vaccines.

But let me give it a shot.

You should get your flu vaccination.

It's worth a shot.

Over 99.99% of people that took the vaccine for the 1918 Spanish Flu have passed away.

This seems very suspicious to me!

A man wakes up and finds himself alone in a hospital room.

He has no recollection of how he got there. While pondering his situation, his bedside phone rings, and he answers it.

A doctor on the other end identifies himself, and tells the man: "I have really bad news. You're very sick. After your collapse yesterday, we ordered several tests, and got...

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It’s flu season and I just saw 3 homeless people caring for each other.

They were giving each other flu shots under the overpass. What a caring community we live in God Bless.

More bad news - there's a new avian flu

Called Cherpes

It's a canarial disease

It's untweetable

Jim had been out for a few days with the flu. Back at work,...

...he ran into a friend of his, who asked him, "Jim, how are you feeling?"

"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience," Jim replied.

"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?"

"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know, whenever the mailman came by...

Everybody was Kung Flu fighting.

But the virus was as fast as lightning.

What do you call an astronomer with the stomach flu?

A gastrophysicist

I caught a really bad case of the flu in Madrid...

Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.

"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"

The doctor strolled i...

When I told my parents my wife had come down with the flu, my Dad said,

"Well have you tried euthanasia?"
In the background I could hear my Mom yell, "For the last time Henry, it's pronounced 'Echinacea'! Echinacea'!!!!

Why did the guy with a lisp hit on the girl with the flu?

Because she was thicc

Avian Flu scare in Massachusetts

Breaking news... Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was d...

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My girlfriend was down with the flu, but still insisted on having sex.

What a sick fuck.

What is the best way to avoid asian flu?

Have a Phu shot.

Why did the redneck get colored pencils before he got his flu shot?

He heard that vaccines can make you artistic.

First Rule of Corona Flu self-isolation

If you can't reach it from the couch

You don't need it.

Everyone is posting photos of people from the 1910's wearing masks to protect themselves from the Spanish flu to try and convince people to wear masks now...

Idiots. If masks work, then why are all those people in the pictures dead?

What do you call a person who has flu but does not isolate themselves and is very active on social media?

Influen(zer)

Randomly came up with this joke laying in bed one night - What do you call a bald eagle with the flu that migrates from Mexico to the US?

An ill eagle immigrant...

A lot of people talk about when pigs fly

but swine flu.

Scientists have confirmed a new strain of bird flu going around

It's transmitted from crows and ravens to people. They've named it Corvid-19

What's the first sign that you have caught bird flu?

Fowl symptoms.

What do you call a bunch of pandemic flu victims that all ignore social distancing and get together for a party?

A murder of crovids

"Doctor, Doctor, I think I've got the swine flu."

"Here's an oinkment to make it better."

My doctor told me I had the airport flu.

He says it's terminal.

It’s the cold and flu time of year

Or as I like to call it, Vitamin C-son.

Covid-19 is just like the flu, don't believe in all social media that are fear mongering.

Spread the word and be positive

If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it.

It's spam.

What do you call someone doing yoga with the flu?

Sick and twisted.

Wuhan Flu was renamed COVID19 but I think Wuhan Flu is a more appropriate name...

It's more catchy.

I might have gotten the flu in China

Well, WHO cares?

Someone should make a poison whose antidote can only be received via flu shot, in order to eliminate the anti vaxxers...

...oh wait.

What is the most Shakespearean way to eliminate bird flu?

Murder most fowl.

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Did you hear what happened when Oedipus got flu?

He became one sick mother fucker.

So I went into get a flu vaccine today.

The nurse that was administering the Vaccine asked me the prequalifying questions. Have you had a flu vaccine before? Yes. Have you done your research on the vaccine? Yes. Do you understand the possible side effects? Actually I am quite excited about the side effects. She looks at me confused. ...

The US government has been there for us through hard times From the great depression, the numerous market crashes, through pandemics of flu and tragedies like the loss of American lives.

I'm starting to think they're bad luck

Condoms are better then flu shots

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prep...

What do you call a casket that's come down with the flu?

A sar-cough-agus

I caught bird flu while waiting for a flight at the airport

I have since found out it is a terminal illness.

Shakespeare goes into a clinic with a fever and asks

Flu B or not Flu B?

A lemon gets sick

A lemon is walking home late one night and gets caught in a thunderstorm. With no raincoat or umbrella around, he toughs it out and paces home as quickly as possible.

Unfortunately, the lemon ends up catching a cold with some light fever and coughs from prolonged exposure in the rain and cold...

The bird flu is pretty nasty

Luckily, it's tweetable.

Did you know that during child birth there is a point where the lady experiences such excruciating pain that for a moment

She almost knows how bad it is to be a man who has the flu

Did you hear about the aspiring YouTube star that died from the flu?

He finally went viral.

A politician visits a rural area to gain appeal for the upcoming elections

He schedules a meeting with the local leaders to discuss problems the town has been experiencing so that he could provide help and solutions.

"Governor, our town has been experiencing two big problems," says one of the leaders

The politician pounds his table, "Ok tell me what they are,...

The flu is kinda like my last girlfriend

Lasted for 2 weeks and got it from my best friend

If your Doctor spoke like Trump

So it seems you’ve tested positive for the Chinese virus, the so-called Covid NINETEEN, the Corona—nobody knows what to call it, quite frankly. It’s the most amazing thing, no one knew anything about Corona until a few weeks ago.

But the moment I heard about it—the Wuhan flu; it’s also the W...

My buddy and I both have the flu.

I invited him over for Netflix & chills.

Life before the computer:

Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show.

A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu.

A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad wa...

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Recovering from the flu

Finally, I feel like I've made some progress getting over this flu I've had for nearly a week.

This morning, I sneezed and did not shit my pants.

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(original) I just got my flu shot and tried to draw something, but it still looks shitty.

I thought it was supposed to make me artistic?

A patient tells his doctor he thinks he contracted Swine Flu and Avian Flu at the same time.

The doctor tells him "I'll believe that when pigs fly."

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There is rumor of a new "Amish Flu" out of Pennsylvania...

the symptoms are low grade fever, and you will get a little hoarse and Buggy.

100 people get the Swine Flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. ...

100 people get the Swine Flu and everybody wants to wear a mask.

A million people have AIDS and no one wants to wear a condom!

"The word of the day is 'contagious'" Said the teacher, "Who can use it in a sentence?"

Little Jenny stood up and said "My dad has a cold and said its contagious"

The teacher praised Jenny and ask for an example from another student.

Billy stood up and said "Miss, my mum has the flu, and I think its contagious"

Happy with Billy's response, the teacher asked for on...

Went to the doctor's office for my flu shot. He promised it wouldn't hurt...

Insensitive prick.

Where is the flu most common?

In cities with high levels of congestion!!

Did you hear about the new strain of bird flu?

Chirpees... a canarial disease... un-tweetable.

A teacher asks her class to use the word Contagious in a sentence...

Harry says: 'At the End of WW1 there was the spanish flu & it was very contagious'

'That's right', said the teacher



Jessica stands up & says: 'In Europe during the middle ages there was the bubonic plague & it was highly contagious'


'Well Done' notes th...

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Irish exchange student

I was volunteering in my sons 1st grade class. During their vocabulary session the teacher begins her lesson with the word Contagious.

So the teacher asks, “can anyone use the word contagious in a sentence?”

And of course, there is a little girl in the front who raises her hand. “The ...

In other news

Inspired by Colin Mochrie's 6:00 News on Who's Line, I tried to come up with my own.

We now return you to your 6:00 news. I'm your host, Armand Dangerous. Earlier today, a man who lost a digit to his foot after a grievous skiing accident underwent a groundbreaking surgery where he requested t...

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What's the best name for the groups of armed anti-stay-at-home protesters?

Vanilla Isis

Flu Klux Klan

Lack Panthers

HamAss

Meal Team Six

Gravy Seals

Irrational Guard

Y'all Qaeda

Branch Covidians

Boko Moron

The Coughedaracy

101st Chairborne

Cosplaytriots

The Yeehadis

Hogan's Ze...

I’m sick of martial arts.

I have kung flu.

(Brought to you by my 8 year old)

John thought he could never catch an illness. When his co-worker asked him if he ever gets sick, he would always say “The day I become ill will be the day pigs fly.”

A few months later, it finally happened.

The swine flu.

In an elementary school English class, kids are learning the word “contagious”. Teacher calls on students, asking them to use it in a sentence.

- “Susan?”

- “I had a flu and mommy made me stay home for 3 days because I was contagious!”

- “Very good. What about you, Johnny?”

- “Our neighbor Mrs. Henderson has started painting her fence last night, daddy says it’s gonna take the contagious!”

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