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Bollock Jokes

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Jack Russle and Great Dane at the vets...

A Jack Russell and a Great Dane are in the waiting room at a vets...

JR: "Why are you here ?"

GD: "Fuck off."

JR: "No, come on, let's be friendly, we're both dogs, we don't want to be here, we should support each other,"

GD: "<sigh>"

JR: "I'll tell you why I'...

The wife just gave me a massive bollocking for throwing a snowball at our son.

To top it off, I've been banned from the maternity ward

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Little Johnny

One day Little Johnny was in the car with his father when the cops pull them over.

His father says, "Oh the bastards."

Little Johnny asks, "Daddy, what does bastard mean?"

His father replies, "Oh it's just another name for the cops."

When they get back, Little Johnny's ...

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My mate is shagging twins

My mates shagging twins who both like it up the arse. I asked how he tells them apart?

"That's easy", he said. "Sally's got massive tits and a nice shaved pussy. Derek has a moustache and big hairy bollocks"

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A bloke walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waives the waiter over. "I want to see the cock-sucking, mother-fucking boss now," he says.

The waiter is naturally a bit taken aback and replies "Excuse me, sir, would you refrain from using that kind of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke says "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?" "Yes sir, I am", ...

A Lawyer goes shooting and brings down a marvellous pheasant right on Farmer Joe's field...

Knowing the law, he goes over to the farmhouse and knocks on the door, farmer Joe opens, and the Lawyer speaks,

"Excuse me sir, but I'm a lawyer on a shoot, and I happen to have brought down a fairly marvellous pheasant over in your field yonder. Being a lawyer (I happen to have attended an e...

This morning I made a belgium waffle.

In the afternoon I made a Frenchman talk bollocks.

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So I was in the supermarket yesterday...

I arrived at the Deli counter to find some guy stark bollock naked, rubbing chick peas and lemon juice all over himself.

In complete shock and disgust I asked him “what the fuck are you doing?”

“Oh, don’t mind me. I’m a hummus-sexual!”

Doctor, I keep hearing strange voices from my underpants

Patient: Doctor, I keep hearing strange voices from my underpants

Doctor: Ignore them, they're talking bollocks

A man's wife accuses him of "testiculating."

"What the hell is 'testiculating?'" the man asks.

Looking both irritated and impatient, his wife responds, "It's when a man is talking bollocks!"

The man considers this for a moment. "Tell me something," he finally says. "Are you on your period?"

"Yes," his wife answers. "Why?"<...

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Father and his 5 year old Son are walking on their farm together...

The dad steps in dog poo and yells "SHIT!"


The son asks, "Daddy, what does shit mean?"


The father answers, panicking as he doesn't want to set a bad example, "Its another word for doormat"


The son is convinced and the dad breathes a sigh of relief.


Later...

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A boy is in the car with his dad driving

Behind them is a police car which begins to flash its lights.

“Oh you shithead” says the dad in annoyance.

But it turns out the police car was signalling someone else and its was fine.

“Daddy” the boy says “what does shithead mean?”

Chuckling, the dad replies “I was on ...

My Wife and the worst pain.

My Wife said to me yesterday, I think the worst pain in the world is child birth, I said no, the worst pain in the world is a kick in the bollocks, she said how do you work that out? I replied, well after a couple of years, you will say, can we have another Baby? I do not look up and say can I have ...

What is the difference between a tractor and a giraffe?

One has hydraulics, the other has high bollocks

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Army Reward

3 Soldiers have come back from a tour in vietnam and they are met by their superior:

"Good Job Lads! You are all going to get a reward. you are to choose 2 parts of your body, I will measure and will give you £1,000 an inch, understood?!"

Soldier 1: "Yes Sah! I choose from the bott...

I was doing the hoovering in my pants the other day

When I thought to myself ‘how do my bollocks get this dusty?’

Dave’s military experience

Dave just got a promotion in the army, but unfortunately this new position put him at the forefront of bearing the bad news. After 30 days in service, he is informed by HR that John’s wife died, and he should inform him kindly of the event.
Next day at morning call, Dave goes :
-John, your wi...

My friends garage

I was speaking to my friend the other day about the fact he leaves his garage full of stuff completely open all the time and if he was worried about anything getting stolen.

I said to him, "You either have a massive pair of bollocks, or nothing worth stealing"

He ranted about how safe...

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Little Timmy woke up one morning desperate to pee.

He bounded out of bed and hurtled across the landing to the main bathroom. Eager not to cause an upset, he carefully prised open the bathroom door.
In the bathroom, Timmy's sister, Lucy, was shaving her legs. Unfortunately, she caught a spot on her razor, causing a stab of pain. Blood started to ...

A man goes to the doctor and says that he can hear voices coming from his underwear.

Doctor says "Don't listen to them. They're talking bollocks."

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Little Tommy And The Party of Foul

Little Tommy's parents are throwing a meet-n-greet for their new neighbours, so they're preparing for their arrival. Problem is, they didn't plan ahead properly and are faced with less time than they thought they had before it starts; Tommy walks in on his parents in an argument, upon which he hears...

Korean meatballs

They really are the dog's bollocks.

Korean meatballs are the best.

In fact they're the dogs bollocks.

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What did one testicle say to the other testicle?

I don’t know, they were talking a load of bollocks!

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I was checking my testicles for lumps

When I heard a little voice say "the empire state building is 20 ft tall," it turns out they were talking bollocks.

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What do you call a man that is missing his left testicle?

A Right Bollocks.

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A 7 year old and a 5 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. “You know what?” says the 7 year old, “I think it's about time we started swearing”....

The 5 year old nods his approval. “When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?”.
“Ok” the younger one agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.
“Oh, bollocks mum, I guess I'll ...

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One evening, a vicar has a brilliant idea.

Wouldn't it be wonderful, he thinks, to have a parrot in the church doorway to greet the congregation as they arrive on Sundays.

So, next morning, he gets up bright and early, and heads off to the nearest pet shop, where he enquires about parrots.

They have but one parrot in stock, and...

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There’s a rumour going around my village that my wife gave the local builder a blow job

There’s a rumour going around my village that my wife gave the local builder a blow job after he completed some work for us. Well that’s a load of bollocks. The only person home that day was our cross dressing son.

A chemist, a mechanic, a electrician, and a programmer were driving in a car when it broke down.

"This must be because we've mixed the wrong fuel additive!" said the chemist.



"Bollocks!" said the mechanic. "This is clearly a mechanical problem. There must be something wrong with the engine."



"Both of you are wrong. The problem lies with the car wiring and the batte...

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A redditor goes to the doctor for mumps... (copypasta from an askreddit thread)

"I had the mumps during my first year of college, and along with that I got Orchitis (swelling of the testicles caused by the mumps) in my left nut, which swelled up to the size of a potato. It was really painful and heavy so I had to carry it everywhere for a while. So I went to the doctors, he che...

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My mate in Scotland reckons his scrotum got to -273 degrees last night.

I reckon that's absolute bollocks

Two Drunk Englishmen

...were walking down a street, late at night when the come across a dog licking it's own bollocks.

The first Englishmen points to the dog and says "I wish I could do that"

The second Englishman looks at the dog, and says "I reckon you could, but you better ask it permission first!"

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A man on his deathbed requested his wife, 3 sons, his nurse and a camera to be set up to record his final moments. Which were as follows...

"To my son, David, I leave the 2 blocks of flats in the East End of London. To my other son, Michael, I leave the 4 penthouses in Chelsea, and finally to my eldest son, Kevin, I leave the big glass building near Tower Bridge."

With that he slipped away. The nurse turned to the wife and said, ...

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It's little Johnny's first day of a new school. His mum takes the teacher aside and says "unfortunately my ex had a terrible mouth on him, so Johnny swears every other word, try not to let him speak in class". That day they're doing the alphabet...

The teacher says "Who has a word that starts with A?" and little Johnny's hand goes straight up. Teacher thinks 'oh no, lot's of A words he might say' and chooses someone else.


"Who has a word starting with B?" and once again Johnny's hand shoots up. This carries on for every letter u...

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Four guys break down in the middle of nowhere

They set off walking to find help and come across an old decrepit Manor House.
When they knock on the door a stunning, young, buxom, woman answers.
The men ask if they can use the phone to call for a tow.
She agrees and invites them in. They ring for a tow truck but are told one ca...

Whats the difference between a tractor and a giraffe? (first ever post in a year on reddit!)

One has hydraulics and the other high bollocks!

Brilliantly told by my Irish cousin.

Little billy came home from school one day with his school report.

When his dad saw the report he was livid, it was appaling. He said "right Billy my lad this is terrible if this doesn't improve by the end of this year I'm afraid I'm going to have to shoot you!" So Billy tried really hard he really gave it his best shot but the reports remained execrable the year ...

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A scruffy old man walks into a bank

Goes up to the window and says "I want to see the fucking manager". The assistant is taken aback by his rudeness and says "I'm sorry but the manager is too busy to see anybody".

"Bollocks." The man replies with. "I want to talk to your fucking supervisor." The assistant goes and gets his supe...

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A man is sitting in a bar bragging about his dog...

He says his dog can do basic maths and that if anyone asks a basic question and his dog cant answer it, he'll buy them a beer.
So one man says ''What's 1+3?'' and the dog barks 4 times.
Another man asks ''What's 5-2?'' and so the dog barks 3 times.
A large man in a torn and foul-smelling ja...

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The bloke with turrets syndrome

This bloke with Tourette's Syndrome walks into the most exclusive restaurant in town.

'Where's the pissing, mother fucking manager, you cock sucking arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters.

The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from usi...

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2 men walk into a corner shop,

one of them dressed like a clown the other in a plain ski mask. They go to the counter and say

"Empty the till, no one needs to get hurt!"

The clerk complies with all comands given to him. Just as they're about to leave the clown drops his trousers and takes a shit on the middle of the...

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British Redneck Joke

Bubba Windsor and Earl Spencer had just finished a leisurely tour of The Fitzwilliam Museum at Grove Lane and a gourmet repast at Loch Fyne Restaurant Ltd. on Trumpington St. On this fine afternoon they were proceeding northwest toward King's Parade and their destination, St Catherine's College of C...

An Englishman, Frenchman and American are caught by a tribe of Cannibals....

And cannot escape. They do however get to chose the method of their deaths.

the American goes first, surrounded by the tribe, his friends tied up watching, he asks for his shotgun and one shell. He declares "Long live the dollar and the American way!" And puts the muzzle up under his chin and...

The Pope and the Rabbi (not the apple one)

The Pope is walking down a street in London, when the heel breaks off his shoe. He looks around, and sees two shops advertising shoe repair. Looking closer, he sees a star of David on the wall in one, and a crucifix in the other. He thinks for a moment, and decides he'll go into the Jewish run shop,...

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These puns are Capital!

So I had a productive day at work coming up with these Capital City puns a year ago today. Thought they were too good not to share!

Why did the Geordie arrange a holiday to Romania?

To book a rest!

Bob Mortimer was speaking to his comedy partner's wife saying he wanted to take h...

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A man wakes up to his wife screaming about a gorilla in the garden.

Wiping the sleep from his eyes, he staggers to the window just in time to see a huge silverback climb up into a gnarled old oak tree at the bottom of his garden. A little perplexed, he calls the RSPCA and gets put through to the Gorilla Dept.. Turns out this is a common enough occurrence, and before...

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