What type of money do you make when you donate to a sperm bank everyone day?

Passive incum

I got fired from my job at the sperm bank

My boss didn’t like me saying “Get a load of this guy!” whenever someone walked in the door

Guy goes to a clinic to sell sperm...

(This one has a physical punchline that doesn't work well with text, but it was the first dirty joke my grandad ever told me, so I wanted to share)

A man sells his sperm at a clinic Afterward he meets a woman in the elevator, going down.

She says, "What are you here for? I've just so...

How do you know if you have a high sperm count?

She has to chew before she swallows!

Politicians are like sperm

For every 100 million of them, one might just become a human being

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Sperm count

An 65 year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which wa...

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

Why did the sperm cross the road

I put on the wrong sock today

Police found a dead body with sperm in its mouth...

I guess someone tried to inject new life into it

A man goes to give a sperm donation.

About 30 minutes later he comes out of the room.


"what happened?" asks the doctor.


"Well Doctor it seemed it didn't work" replies the man.


"I put both hands on it for 10 minutes and nothing, then I told my wife to come in to help. She also put both of her hands...

Armed man storms into a sperm bank wearing a ski mask

He shouts "**everybody hit the floor!**" and shoots his gun twice at the ceiling. Everybody hits the floor in muffled panic. He then approaches the main desk and accosts the lady behind the counter:

\- **you! bank lady! where is the storage vault?**

\+ it's downstairs but--

\- ...

The first sperm

The first sperm that reaches the egg is an ova achiever.

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The Legend of the King Sperm

So one day, all the sperm in a guy’s nuts were having a meeting.

“We always wait for our moment to shine, our shot to glory land, to do our mission, but we get stopped by the latex barrier! We never get to fulfill our duty!”

Thousands of sperm moaned and complained.

“But today, ...

What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?

Thanks for coming!

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What does sperm say...

During pregnant sex? Oh baby!

During oral sex? Oh spit!

During sex with a condom? Oh dam!

During anal sex? Oh shit!

Man drank a glass of milk at the sperm bank

Man: thank you for that glass of milk earlier

Sperm bank employee: what glass of milk

Man: the glass of milk that was sitting on your desk

Sperm bank employee: oh my god

Man: what

Sperm bank employee: you drank my glass of milk

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A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

Ordered something from the Sperm Bank.....

Sadly, it never came.

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The Sperm Clinic nurse asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup.

I said I wasn’t ready for competitive wanking.

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What can be said about a sperm bank's pornographic materiel that can also be said about the sperm donation experience in its entirety?

So it's come to this

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg?

Because they won't stop to ask for directions.

So our local sperm bank got shut down

Turns out it was just some old pervert who set up a glory hole.

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What do you call a guy who cries at the sperm bank?

A tear jerker.

Two Londoners went to the sperm bank.

A total waste of time. One of them came on the bus, the other one missed the tube!

what do you call a medieval french man covered in sperm

circumference

Doctor asked for a urine sample, stool sample and sperm sample...

So I gave him my underwear.

How do you make sperm travel miles in a day?

Putting on the wrong socks in the morning.

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Guy walks into a Sperm Bank.

He has his pistol drawn and a brown paper bag over his head as a mask.

The lady behind the counter jumps from her chair with her hands in the air and says, “Sir, this is not that kind of a bank!”

The man shouts, “Shut up Bitch! I know where I am at! Now open that refrigerator!”
<...

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I applied to manage the US Naval sperm bank in Bangkok. The interviewer said they couldn’t hire me, because I was a domestic civilian.

He said only an overseas seaman oversees overseas seamen semen overseas.

A sperm donor, a carpenter and Mehmed II, Ottoman Emperor are in a room. Julius Caesar walks in the room. What did he say?

"Veni, vidi, vici."

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Sammy the sperm...the most fit sperm in history

Sammy the sperm worked out all the time. Cardio, weights, stretching...every time another sperm saw him he was just always working out. Other sperm thought Sammy was weird. One day some of them squiggled over to Sammy and asked him "why on earth was he always doing that?"

"You know...only one...

Sperm whales

Could they be the reason the sea is so salty?

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Apparently there's a sperm shortage in the UK

Probably because all the wankers have gone to the petrol station

I work at a sperm bank

Lots of men come everyday

Sperm donor

I think an appropriate song in the waiting area of the sperm donor office would be “if I could put time in a bottle”

[Opens door] “Hello, I’m here to make my annual deposit to the sperm bank...”

“...I’ve been saving them all year.”

Why do sperm cells look like commas and apostrophes?

They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions.

Politicians are like sperm

Only one in a million turn out to be a human being.

What did the man say when he was getting kicked out of the sperm bank

That’s the last time I’m coming in here

I'm a 5G installation engineer and people are constantly accusing me with bizarre conspiracy theories, such as how 5G is giving them headaches, or killing their sperm. I think they are completely crazy.

4G must've fried their brains.

Have you heard about the woman who got pregnant from a sperm donor without telling her partner?

It was a master bait & switch.

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I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked if I could masturbate in the cup...

I told her i'm pretty good but I don't think i'm ready to compete in a tournament yet.

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After running a test, my doctor has informed me I have incredibly healthy sperm.

Hardly surprising though, I only ever masturbate into sports socks.

Do you know why they're called 'Sperm' Whales?

Because they're delicious.

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I was shocked to learn that a famous male pornstar had received $1,000,000 for his sperm. But, you know what they say

Sex cells.

The director of the sperm bank summoned the blonde receptionist.

\-It's nice that you're polite to people who drop by here, he began, -but when they're on their way out again, I think you should say something other than, -"Thank you for coming!"-

Why are sperm donations worth more than blood donations?

Because they’re made by hand

A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Ceasar walk into a bar.

He came, he saw, he conquered.

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A man walks in a sperm bank with a gun.

A man walks into a sperm bank with the gun, and orders the lady at the desk to open the safe. Startled, she tells him "sir this is a sperm bank, there is no money in here." Annoyed, he then tells her "I told you to open the damn safe!"

She opens it and gets a vial of sperm out. "Now drink it...

What’s the difference between a sperm bank and a regular bank?

After you make a deposit at the sperm bank, you lose interest.

What did one sperm say to the other sperm?

How far to the uterus?

Uterus hell, we have to get past the esophagus first!

Did you know there is a wide variety in men’s ability to produce sperm?

In fact, there’s a vas deferens.

Two lines at the hospital

There were two lines at the hospital, one for the blood bank, one for the sperm bank. At the end of the sperm bank line, there was woman.
\- Aren't you in the wrong line? they asked her.
\- Uh uh, she said shaking her head, with her mouth closed.

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TIL of a knight who is as tiny as a sperm

Sir Cum Sized

Donations

A man was sitting at a bar, morosely staring at his untouched beer. The bartender walked over and asked, "What's the problem, pal?" "My brother just told me there's a sperm bank in his neighborhood that pays $50 for a donation." "Yeah, so?"

"Don't you realize?" the man cried. "I've let a for...

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A new intern is getting a tour of the hospital he is working in.

The intern walks past a room where a man is vigorously
masturbating nonstop. The intern asks the doctor giving the tour
why that man was doing such a thing out in the open.

The doctor says:"Oh, he has a medical condition where sperm builds up so quickly in his body, he has to masturbate...

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The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup...

I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."

---

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Why is it always crowded in a sperm bank?

Because people are paid to come.
Why'd you think sperm donations are really expensive, because they're handmade
But Its hardwork tho, it takes alo of balls to do it, whatever you thing you on regular that's nutting.

When you were the fastest sperm

but now you're slow af.

How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank?

Just ring up and say you can't cum!

Help Requested

A man walks into a sperm bank and declares, "I'm a star athlete, and have an I.Q. of 165, and I'd like to make a donation." The nurse gives him a sealed cup and directs him to a private room.

Twenty minutes later, the man hasn't come out, the nurse knocks on the door. "Is there a problem?" Th...

What did one sperm say to the other?

I have no conception of what I'm supposed to be doing.

Three priests hold a meeting ...

Three priests hold a meeting to discuss where life begins. The evangelical priest says, "No question about it, life begins when the child is born." "No, no," says the Catholic priest, "it all starts when the sperm meets the egg." "You're both wrong," says the Rabbi. "Life begins when the children ha...

An 86 year old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check up

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor examined him and told him that aside from a low sperm count, he was perfectly healthy. The old man scoffed and said, "Nonsense, I’ve never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do y...

Guy goes to the doctors.

Guy: When I donate blood, I don't extract it myself, the nurse does it for me.


Nurse: I understand sir, but this is the sperm bank, it doesn't work that way here....

What's common between a sperm bank and a coffee shop?

you can get a Cup o' Joe at both places.

I just found out you can get paid for donating sperm!

All that money that's just slipped through my fingers.

An elderly gentleman goes to his..

doctor for a physical, checked his bloodwork, heart and lungs, everything looks great! The doctor said he had one more test to perform. He needed the man to go home to collect a sperm sample in this jar to see how his reproductive health is.

The old man says no problem with a smile.

Th...

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The reason sex with a vampire doesn't usually result in pregnancy isn't because the sperm is dead.

It's because the vampire can't come inside without an invitation.

Two sperm are swimming along. One looks at the other and asks, "Are we there yet?"

The other replies, "We still got a ways to go. We barely just passed the tonsils"

Why are sperm banks more expensive than blood banks?

Cuz they're handmade

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The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating.

The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating. Only 10% enters the female.
And you always wondered why the sea tasted salty?

I wanted to open a Sperm Donor Clinic

But the name Jack in the Box was already in use

Why didn't the sperm donor have any free time?

Because he had loads to do.

Why did the sperm cross the road this morning ?

Cuz I forgot to wear a condom 8 years ago

What did the sperm think about his chances of becoming a baby?

He thought it was inconceivable.

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What’s a black man’s sperm called?

Coconut

Two sperm cells

Two sperm cells are swimming together.

One asks the other: "hey, did you just fart"?

"No", the other replies.

"Then I guess the idiot came in the wrong hole."

Two sperm are swimming along, searching for an egg to fertilize

The first sperm says, “are we almost there? I don’t know how much longer I can do this!”

The second sperm responds, “keep going buddy, you can do it. We just passed the tonsils!”

A woman works in a sperm bank. She is taking a bottle of specimen when a man wearing a ski mask and a gun suddenly bursts into the room.

The gunman points the gun at her, and tells her to drink the specimen. The woman is both scared and shocked. Afraid for her life, she opens the bottle and swallows the liquid. The gunman removes his mask, revealing himself to be her husband, and says:
'See, that wasn't so hard, was it?'

Sperm banks have difficulties finding donors.

TBH, there is zero interest.

I got fired from my job at the sperm bank today

Apparently dipping your finger in the sample cup and saying “oh this is spicy I actually asked for mild” is frowned upon

A sperm was undergoing training for conception

His instructor said, 'When the siren goes off, rush out the tunnel and swim until you find a red sticky ball. Address the ball and say "I'm a sperm" to which the ball will reply "I'm the egg". You will then work together to form the embryo. Do you understand?'

The sperm nodded. Days later, th...

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