UPJOKE
spermatozoongameteuterusovumfertilizationcellanimalpolleninseminationfertilityfetusnectarreproductioncumhuman

Sperm Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sperm count

An 65 year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which wa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just made my girlfriend a coffee using sperm instead of milk

I call it an ejaculatte.

A man wearing a ski mask walks into a sperm bank, holding a gun he orders the receptionist to open the vault.

“But sir, this is just a sperm bank” replied the receptionist.

“I don’t care,” the man screamed, “open the vault.”

The receptionist opens the vault and inside are dozens of sperm samples. The man says “ Now take one of those sperm samples and drink it” the man demands.

“ But sir...

What type of money do you make when you donate to a sperm bank everyone day?

Passive incum

I was in an unfortunate accident and my sperm became electrified

Came as a shock to my girlfriend

The sperm bank I visited yesterday had it's own food court.

Unfortunately, it was just a Jack In The Box.

Why do sperm cells look like commas and apostrophes?

They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions.

Why did the sperm cross the road?

I put on the wrong sock.

How do you know you have a high sperm count?

She has to chew before she swallow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A single sperm has 37.5 MB of information. A single ejaculation represents a data transfer of about 1,587 TB

That's a lot of information to swallow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sperm Bank

I paid a visit to the sperm bank last week, the lady asked if i could masturbate in the cup.
I replied “I’m good but i don’t think i’m ready to compete in a tournament yet”

One sperm said to the other sperm:

"Man, this is a long journey! How far to the uterus?"

"I don't know, but we've got a ways to go. So far we've only made it to the esophagus."

Did you hear about the fisherman who uses sperm to catch fish?

He calls it his master bait!

How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?

Do you just call them and say you can’t come?

A job at a sperm bank may be a low income job

But you’ll never be low incum

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did one sperm say to the other?

How am I supposed to get to the egg with all this shit around?

I got fired from my job at the sperm bank.

Every time someone walked in, I said “Get a load of this guy…”

What does the receptionist at the sperm bank says when donors are leaving?

Thank you for coming!

Did you see the update to the sperm whale Wikipedia page?

[Cetacean needed]

80 year old man walks into a sperm bank...

...and asks to give a sample. The desk nurse asks "Why?" of course and he says he wants to know if he's still "got it.". Desk nurse says Ok, whatever. Here's a cup, bring it back with a sample and we'll test it."

Next day he walks up to the desk and plops the cup down. Desk nurse looks at it...

What’s the difference between a sperm bank and a regular bank?

After you make a deposit at the sperm bank, you lose interest.

What do sperm and politicians have in common?

About 1 in every 500 or 600 million have a chance at becoming human.



Bonus Joke;

### Why do politicians wear neckties?

To keep their foreskin from flopping over their head.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once stole a jar of sperm whale semen from my friend, the scientist. After a few years, I felt bad, and eventually returned it. My friend was obviously confused by this and said "Thanks, but what is it?" I replied...

"Your whale cum."

Police found a dead body with sperm in its mouth...

I guess someone tried to inject new life into it

I didn't know what to wear to the Sperm Bank...

So I came in my pants

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chuck Norris Once Jizzed in the Ocean

That's why we have sperm whales.

I work at a sperm bank

I make sure to tell everyone’s thanks for coming today!

I'm a 5G installation engineer and people are constantly accusing me with bizarre conspiracy theories, such as how 5G is giving them headaches, or killing their sperm. I think they are completely crazy.

4G must've fried their brains.

When I found out you could donate sperm by post...

I came in a jiffy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little known fact...

The first time whale semen was studied by a marine biologist was actually at the request of one particular sperm cell. The following conversation took place.

Sperm: I just want to be taken seriously. I think that reproductive cells are an easy target for crude humor made by the mindless immat...

What's a guy doing when he's donating sperm for money?

A nut job

How do you get a sperm sample from a whale?

Four skin divers.

Two Londoners went to the sperm bank.

A total waste of time. One of them came on the bus, the other one missed the tube!

The first sperm

The first sperm that reaches the egg is an ova achiever.

A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar

He came, he saw, he conquered

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

where do sperm go when they die?

The sementary

What's the difference between the Toronto Maple Leafs and a sperm donor?

One blows leads, the other blows loads

An 80 year old bachelor visits a sperm bank…

He’s decided that he would leave a specimen behind in case anyone would want to use it.

The receptionist gave him a jar, pointed to another room and informed him that there were magazines in the room, in case he needed the extra encouragement.

After a few mins of quiet, the reception...

Armed man storms into a sperm bank wearing a ski mask

He shouts "**everybody hit the floor!**" and shoots his gun twice at the ceiling. Everybody hits the floor in muffled panic. He then approaches the main desk and accosts the lady behind the counter:

\- **you! bank lady! where is the storage vault?**

\+ it's downstairs but--

\- ...

Doctor asked for a urine sample, stool sample and sperm sample...

So I gave him my underwear.

Politicians are like sperm

Only one in a million turn out to be a human being.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I applied to manage the US Naval sperm bank in Bangkok. The interviewer said they couldn’t hire me, because I was a domestic civilian.

He said only an overseas seaman oversees overseas seamen semen overseas.

What do sperm and lawyers have in common?

1 in 3 million have a chance in becoming a human being.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've started making deposits at a sperm bank instead of having sex with women (NSFW)

At least that way I know I'm getting some interest.

The sperm bank employee come back after stepping out of their office for a minute

Me: Thanks for the glass of milk by the way

Him: What glass of milk?

Me: The one that was on your desk

Him: Oh my god

Me: What?

Him: You drank my glass of milk?

Why are sperm donations more expensive than blood donations?

They are hand made

A man goes to give a sperm donation.

About 30 minutes later he comes out of the room.


"what happened?" asks the doctor.


"Well Doctor it seemed it didn't work" replies the man.


"I put both hands on it for 10 minutes and nothing, then I told my wife to come in to help. She also put both of her hands...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Went to give a sperm sample the other day the nurse asked could i masturbate in the cup

'I'm not ready for competition masturbation' I replied

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does sperm say...

During pregnant sex? Oh baby!

During oral sex? Oh spit!

During sex with a condom? Oh dam!

During anal sex? Oh shit!

I was talking to a guy at a sperm bank

I asked, “You come here often?”

A robber enters a sperm bank..

-Give me all the vaults money right now! Says to the cashier
-Sir this is a sperm bank! In the "vault" we only have sperm says the woman in agony
- Go to the vault, get three bottles of sperm and start drinking them!!!
The woman fearing for her life drinks very reluctantly the two bottles<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a sperm bank with $15,000 cash and says "I'd like to make a deposit please"

The receptionist tells him "Sir, this isn't that kind of bank, we can't help you with that."

The man goes "shit, that must be why I was getting funny looks when I made my deposit at the other place"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Legend of the King Sperm

So one day, all the sperm in a guy’s nuts were having a meeting.

“We always wait for our moment to shine, our shot to glory land, to do our mission, but we get stopped by the latex barrier! We never get to fulfill our duty!”

Thousands of sperm moaned and complained.

“But today, ...

So our local sperm bank got shut down

Turns out it was just some old pervert who set up a glory hole.

A sperm donor, a carpenter and Mehmed II, Ottoman Emperor are in a room. Julius Caesar walks in the room. What did he say?

"Veni, vidi, vici."

Ordered something from the Sperm Bank.....

Sadly, it never came.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At 581 words this long one has the advantage of making you laugh many times even before the punchline.

An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of London. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window: 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'. "Fucking get in there you cunt!" he says to himself and goes to the bar.

<...

what do you call a medieval french man covered in sperm

circumference

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a guy who cries at the sperm bank?

A tear jerker.

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg?

Because they won't stop to ask for directions.

Sperm whales

Could they be the reason the sea is so salty?

Costco Doctor

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, John says to Scott, “My elbow hurts like hell.

I guess I'd better see a doctor."

“Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Scott replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer ...

A sperm was undergoing training for conception

His instructor said, 'When the siren goes off, rush out the tunnel and swim until you find a red sticky ball. Address the ball and say "I'm a sperm" to which the ball will reply "I'm the egg". You will then work together to form the embryo. Do you understand?'

The sperm nodded. Days later, th...

The director of the sperm bank summoned the blonde receptionist.

\-It's nice that you're polite to people who drop by here, he began, -but when they're on their way out again, I think you should say something other than, -"Thank you for coming!"-

That's the perfect microcosm for men and women:

it takes a million sperm to find one egg because they're all males and not one of them is going to pull over and ask directions.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What can be said about a sperm bank's pornographic materiel that can also be said about the sperm donation experience in its entirety?

So it's come to this

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently there's a sperm shortage in the UK

Probably because all the wankers have gone to the petrol station

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks in a sperm bank with a gun.

A man walks into a sperm bank with the gun, and orders the lady at the desk to open the safe. Startled, she tells him "sir this is a sperm bank, there is no money in here." Annoyed, he then tells her "I told you to open the damn safe!"

She opens it and gets a vial of sperm out. "Now drink it...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was shocked to learn that a famous male pornstar had received $1,000,000 for his sperm. But, you know what they say

Sex cells.

[Opens door] “Hello, I’m here to make my annual deposit to the sperm bank...”

“...I’ve been saving them all year.”

I work at a sperm bank

Lots of men come everyday

Sperm donor

I think an appropriate song in the waiting area of the sperm donor office would be “if I could put time in a bottle”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke a 70 year old man I met in a bar told me

A bunch of sperm cells are sitting around in a guy's balls. All of them are normal, except for one cell named Dave. Dave is lifting weights, doing push-ups, sit-ups, and running. The other sperm cells ask him what he's doing. He gives an answer:

"Listen guys, there are millions of us here. On...

Did you know there is a wide variety in men’s ability to produce sperm?

In fact, there’s a vas deferens.

Do you know why they're called 'Sperm' Whales?

Because they're delicious.

Have you heard about the woman who got pregnant from a sperm donor without telling her partner?

It was a master bait & switch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The reason sex with a vampire doesn't usually result in pregnancy isn't because the sperm is dead.

It's because the vampire can't come inside without an invitation.

A guy named Jack ....

has a appointment at a sperm back at 9.00 am , he turns up at 9.30 am and the receptionist says "eh Jack ya late "

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some people think sperm just magically travels to the penis when in reality there's a whole duct to transport them...

It might not seem like it, but there's a vas deferens between the two.

A woman works in a sperm bank. She is taking a bottle of specimen when a man wearing a ski mask and a gun suddenly bursts into the room.

The gunman points the gun at her, and tells her to drink the specimen. The woman is both scared and shocked. Afraid for her life, she opens the bottle and swallows the liquid. The gunman removes his mask, revealing himself to be her husband, and says:
'See, that wasn't so hard, was it?'

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.