UPJOKE
spermatozoongameteuterusflagellumovumfertilizationcellanimalpolleninseminationfertilityfetusspermatozoannectarreproduction

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Sperm count

An 65 year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which wa...

A robber enters a sperm bank..

-Give me all the vaults money right now! Says to the cashier
-Sir this is a sperm bank! In the "vault" we only have sperm says the woman in agony
- Go to the vault, get three bottles of sperm and start drinking them!!!
The woman fearing for her life drinks very reluctantly the two bottles<...

What type of money do you make when you donate to a sperm bank everyone day?

Passive incum

The sperm bank I visited yesterday had it's own food court.

Unfortunately, it was just a Jack In The Box.

Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put the wrong socks on this morning.

I'm a 5G installation engineer and people are constantly accusing me with bizarre conspiracy theories, such as how 5G is giving them headaches, or killing their sperm. I think they are completely crazy.

4G must've fried their brains.

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I just made my girlfriend a coffee using sperm instead of milk

I call it an ejaculatte.

What's a guy doing when he's donating sperm for money?

A nut job

I got fired from my job at the sperm bank

My boss didn’t like me saying “Get a load of this guy!” whenever someone walked in the door

Two sperm cells that have been swimming for a while:

\- Where is that damn ovum, let's find it and penetrate it!

\- I think we have a long way to go, we are barely past the tonsils...

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I once stole a jar of sperm whale semen from my friend, the scientist. After a few years, I felt bad, and eventually returned it. My friend was obviously confused by this and said "Thanks, but what is it?" I replied...

"Your whale cum."

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Went to the sperm clinic earlier today. The lady if I''d like to masturbate in the cup....

I said, I'm good but I'm not ready to compete in a tournament yet.

A man wearing a ski mask walks into a sperm bank, holding a gun he orders the receptionist to open the vault.

“But sir, this is just a sperm bank” replied the receptionist.

“I don’t care,” the man screamed, “open the vault.”

The receptionist opens the vault and inside are dozens of sperm samples. The man says “ Now take one of those sperm samples and drink it” the man demands.

“ But sir...

What's the difference between the Toronto Maple Leafs and a sperm donor?

One blows leads, the other blows loads

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A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

How do you know if you have a high sperm count?

She has to chew before she swallows!

What do sperm and politicians have in common?

About 1 in every 500 or 600 million have a chance at becoming human.



Bonus Joke;

### Why do politicians wear neckties?

To keep their foreskin from flopping over their head.

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What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?

Thanks for cumming!

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?

Because they won't stop to ask directions.

What did one sperm say to the other?

Hey, Jack you late!!

What do sperm and lawyers have in common?

1 in 3 million have a chance in becoming a human being.

A sperm donor, a carpenter and Julius Caesar Walked into a bar.

He came, he saw, he conquered.

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where do sperm go when they die?

The sementary

Politicians are like sperm

For every 100 million of them, one might just become a human being

An 80 year old bachelor visits a sperm bank…

He’s decided that he would leave a specimen behind in case anyone would want to use it.

The receptionist gave him a jar, pointed to another room and informed him that there were magazines in the room, in case he needed the extra encouragement.

After a few mins of quiet, the reception...

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

Police found a dead body with sperm in its mouth...

I guess someone tried to inject new life into it

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I've started making deposits at a sperm bank instead of having sex with women (NSFW)

At least that way I know I'm getting some interest.

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A man walks into a sperm bank with $15,000 cash and says "I'd like to make a deposit please"

The receptionist tells him "Sir, this isn't that kind of bank, we can't help you with that."

The man goes "shit, that must be why I was getting funny looks when I made my deposit at the other place"

The sperm bank employee come back after stepping out of their office for a minute

Me: Thanks for the glass of milk by the way

Him: What glass of milk?

Me: The one that was on your desk

Him: Oh my god

Me: What?

Him: You drank my glass of milk?

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The Legend of the King Sperm

So one day, all the sperm in a guy’s nuts were having a meeting.

“We always wait for our moment to shine, our shot to glory land, to do our mission, but we get stopped by the latex barrier! We never get to fulfill our duty!”

Thousands of sperm moaned and complained.

“But today, ...

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What does sperm say...

During pregnant sex? Oh baby!

During oral sex? Oh spit!

During sex with a condom? Oh dam!

During anal sex? Oh shit!

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Guy walks into a Sperm Bank.

He has his pistol drawn and a brown paper bag over his head as a mask.

The lady behind the counter jumps from her chair with her hands in the air and says, “Sir, this is not that kind of a bank!”

The man shouts, “Shut up Bitch! I know where I am at! Now open that refrigerator!”
<...

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Guy goes to donate some sperm

The doctor says to him 'so you good to just masturbate in the cup?' And the guy says 'I'd love to, always wanted some competition'.

The first sperm

The first sperm that reaches the egg is an ova achiever.

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Went to give a sperm sample the other day the nurse asked could i masturbate in the cup

'I'm not ready for competition masturbation' I replied

Armed man storms into a sperm bank wearing a ski mask

He shouts "**everybody hit the floor!**" and shoots his gun twice at the ceiling. Everybody hits the floor in muffled panic. He then approaches the main desk and accosts the lady behind the counter:

\- **you! bank lady! where is the storage vault?**

\+ it's downstairs but--

\- ...

A man goes to give a sperm donation.

About 30 minutes later he comes out of the room.


"what happened?" asks the doctor.


"Well Doctor it seemed it didn't work" replies the man.


"I put both hands on it for 10 minutes and nothing, then I told my wife to come in to help. She also put both of her hands...

Two Londoners went to the sperm bank.

A total waste of time. One of them came on the bus, the other one missed the tube!

what do you call a medieval french man covered in sperm

circumference

Doctor asked for a urine sample, stool sample and sperm sample...

So I gave him my underwear.

Why do sperm cells look like commas and apostrophes?

They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions.

Politicians are like sperm

Only one in a million turn out to be a human being.

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I applied to manage the US Naval sperm bank in Bangkok. The interviewer said they couldn’t hire me, because I was a domestic civilian.

He said only an overseas seaman oversees overseas seamen semen overseas.

Ordered something from the Sperm Bank.....

Sadly, it never came.

So our local sperm bank got shut down

Turns out it was just some old pervert who set up a glory hole.

A sperm donor, a carpenter and Mehmed II, Ottoman Emperor are in a room. Julius Caesar walks in the room. What did he say?

"Veni, vidi, vici."

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What do you call a guy who cries at the sperm bank?

A tear jerker.

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What can be said about a sperm bank's pornographic materiel that can also be said about the sperm donation experience in its entirety?

So it's come to this

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Sammy the sperm...the most fit sperm in history

Sammy the sperm worked out all the time. Cardio, weights, stretching...every time another sperm saw him he was just always working out. Other sperm thought Sammy was weird. One day some of them squiggled over to Sammy and asked him "why on earth was he always doing that?"

"You know...only one...

How do you make sperm travel miles in a day?

Putting on the wrong socks in the morning.

What does the receptionist working at a sperm bank say when they pick up calls?

Hi, local sperm bank. You jack it, we pack it, how can I help you?

Did you know?

Did you know that a sperm cell contains 35.75 MB of data. Making a load contain about 16TB

Yes i know, thats alot of information to swallow.

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Apparently there's a sperm shortage in the UK

Probably because all the wankers have gone to the petrol station

I work at a sperm bank

Lots of men come everyday

Sperm donor

I think an appropriate song in the waiting area of the sperm donor office would be “if I could put time in a bottle”

[Opens door] “Hello, I’m here to make my annual deposit to the sperm bank...”

“...I’ve been saving them all year.”

Why are sperm donations more expensive than blood donations?

They are hand made

The director of the sperm bank summoned the blonde receptionist.

\-It's nice that you're polite to people who drop by here, he began, -but when they're on their way out again, I think you should say something other than, -"Thank you for coming!"-

Have you heard about the woman who got pregnant from a sperm donor without telling her partner?

It was a master bait & switch.

Nurses ask the hard questions

I posted this as a comment in this sub, the OP suggested I give it its own post.

Back about 36 years ago, I was a young married man. Me & my wife decided I would get fixed. I had the surgery and everything went fine. I had to take a specimen to the doc for a sperm count to make sure the p...

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A man walks in a sperm bank with a gun.

A man walks into a sperm bank with the gun, and orders the lady at the desk to open the safe. Startled, she tells him "sir this is a sperm bank, there is no money in here." Annoyed, he then tells her "I told you to open the damn safe!"

She opens it and gets a vial of sperm out. "Now drink it...

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After running a test, my doctor has informed me I have incredibly healthy sperm.

Hardly surprising though, I only ever masturbate into sports socks.

I just found out you can get paid for donating sperm!

All that money that's just slipped through my fingers.

Did you know there is a wide variety in men’s ability to produce sperm?

In fact, there’s a vas deferens.

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I was shocked to learn that a famous male pornstar had received $1,000,000 for his sperm. But, you know what they say

Sex cells.

Do you know why they're called 'Sperm' Whales?

Because they're delicious.

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Why is it always crowded in a sperm bank?

Because people are paid to come.
Why'd you think sperm donations are really expensive, because they're handmade
But Its hardwork tho, it takes alo of balls to do it, whatever you thing you on regular that's nutting.

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TIL of a knight who is as tiny as a sperm

Sir Cum Sized

When you were the fastest sperm

but now you're slow af.

How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank?

Just ring up and say you can't cum!

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The reason sex with a vampire doesn't usually result in pregnancy isn't because the sperm is dead.

It's because the vampire can't come inside without an invitation.

What's common between a sperm bank and a coffee shop?

you can get a Cup o' Joe at both places.

88 year old man goes to the doctor

An 88 year old man is about to marry a 24 year old woman, goes to the doctor and asks the odd about them having a baby. Doctor says “well, we would need to do some studies first sir, can you give me a sperm sample in this cup please”. Old man goes into a room and is in there for over an hour, he eve...

A sperm was undergoing training for conception

His instructor said, 'When the siren goes off, rush out the tunnel and swim until you find a red sticky ball. Address the ball and say "I'm a sperm" to which the ball will reply "I'm the egg". You will then work together to form the embryo. Do you understand?'

The sperm nodded. Days later, th...

What did the sperm think about his chances of becoming a baby?

He thought it was inconceivable.

Why did the sperm cross the road this morning ?

Cuz I forgot to wear a condom 8 years ago

Two sperm are swimming along. One looks at the other and asks, "Are we there yet?"

The other replies, "We still got a ways to go. We barely just passed the tonsils"

What do you call a really old computer with sperm on it?

A *cum*modore 64!

A woman works in a sperm bank. She is taking a bottle of specimen when a man wearing a ski mask and a gun suddenly bursts into the room.

The gunman points the gun at her, and tells her to drink the specimen. The woman is both scared and shocked. Afraid for her life, she opens the bottle and swallows the liquid. The gunman removes his mask, revealing himself to be her husband, and says:
'See, that wasn't so hard, was it?'

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