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An elderly man went into his doctor office for his yearly physical when his doctor handed him a jar and asked him for a sperm sample.

The doctor gave the man his jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow so we can get a sperm count."

The next day the 89-year-old man walked into the doctor's office and gave him the jar. However the jar was as spotless and empty as it was when the doctor gave ...

I'm a 5G installation engineer and people are constantly accusing me with bizarre conspiracy theories, such as how 5G is giving them headaches, or killing their sperm. I think they are completely crazy.

4G must've fried their brains.

Man drank a glass of milk at the sperm bank

Man: thank you for that glass of milk earlier

Sperm bank employee: what glass of milk

Man: the glass of milk that was sitting on your desk

Sperm bank employee: oh my god

Man: what

Sperm bank employee: you drank my glass of milk

Why did the sperm cross the road

Because I wore the wrong pair of socks today

What's common between a sperm bank and a coffee shop?

you can get a Cup o' Joe at both places.

What did the sperm think about his chances of becoming a baby?

He thought it was inconceivable.

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Guy walks into a Sperm Bank.

He has his pistol drawn and a brown paper bag over his head as a mask.

The lady behind the counter jumps from her chair with her hands in the air and says, “Sir, this is not that kind of a bank!”

The man shouts, “Shut up Bitch! I know where I am at! Now open that refrigerator!”
<...

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The reason sex with a vampire doesn't usually result in pregnancy isn't because the sperm is dead.

It's because the vampire can't come inside without an invitation.

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Why did the egg and the sperm start a business?

Because sex cells.

What’s the difference between a sperm bank and a regular bank?

After you make a deposit at the sperm bank, you lose interest.

Why are sperm donations more expensive than blood donations?

They are hand made

How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank?

Just ring up and say you can't cum!

What does the receptionist working at a sperm bank say when they pick up calls?

Hi, local sperm bank. You jack it, we pack it, how can I help you?

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Have you heard of a knight who is as tiny as a sperm?

He is Sir cum sized!

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. He went to the doctor to get a sperm count.

The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back. The elderly man came back the next day; the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. The doctor asked, "What was the problem?" The elderly man said, "Well, I tried with my right hand... nothing. I tried with my left ha...

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The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating.

The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating. Only 10% enters the female.
And you always wondered why the sea tasted salty?

I got fired from the Sperm Bank today.

Every time a man walked in I’d say “Get a load of this guy”.

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Last year, NASA launched human sperm into space

Which I find quite impressive, I only reach my belly button

I just found out you can get paid for donating sperm!

All that money that's just slipped through my fingers.

A sperm donor, a lumberjack, and an agreeable man walk into a bar.

He came, he saw, he concurred.

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I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup...

I told her I’m pretty good, but I don’t think I’m ready to compete in a tournament yet.

Why are sperm banks more expensive than blood banks?

Cuz they're handmade

I wanted to open a Sperm Donor Clinic

But the name Jack in the Box was already in use

Two sperm are swimming along. One looks at the other and asks, "Are we there yet?"

The other replies, "We still got a ways to go. We barely just passed the tonsils"

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What’s a black man’s sperm called?

Coconut

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Scientists made a brand new discovery about sperms......

They don't swim the way you think, they swim in _cockscrew_ motion

Sperm banks have difficulties finding donors.

TBH, there is zero interest.

Why do sperm cells look like commas and apostrophes?

They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions.

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg?

Because they won’t stop to ask for directions.

What did the man say when he was getting kicked out of the sperm bank

That’s the last time I’m coming in here

What did one sperm say to the other sperm?

How far to the uterus?

Uterus hell, we have to get past the esophagus first!

(NSFW) What do you say when someone enters the sperm bank?

Get a load of this guy.

Similarly, what do you say when someone leaves the sperm bank?
Thanks for coming.

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Went to a sperm clinic earlier

The lady asked if i’de like to masterbate in the cup?
#
I said, “I’m good but not ready for competition yet”

My doctor said he needed a blood sample, a urine sample, and a sperm sample. . .

So I left my underwear there.

Two sperm cells

Two sperm cells are swimming together.

One asks the other: "hey, did you just fart"?

"No", the other replies.

"Then I guess the idiot came in the wrong hole."

Two sperm are swimming along, searching for an egg to fertilize

The first sperm says, “are we almost there? I don’t know how much longer I can do this!”

The second sperm responds, “keep going buddy, you can do it. We just passed the tonsils!”

Politicians are like sperm

Only one in a million turn out to be a human being.

How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?

When your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.

A sperm talks to another sperm and says

„One day I will become a film star“ the other says „I will become a businessman“. Then a bread crumb passes by and says „forget it guys, we‘re in the stomach“

I got fired from my job at the sperm bank today

Apparently dipping your finger in the sample cup and saying “oh this is spicy I actually asked for mild” is frowned upon

100,000 sperm

and you were the fastest?

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

One in fifty-million has a chance at becoming a human being.

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The human sperm cell contains around 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25 ml and takes 5 seconds. Therefore the average bandwidth of the human penis is about 1687 TB/s

I know, I know that’s a lot of information to swallow.

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A masked man enters a sperm bank with a gun.

He points the gun at the woman behind the desk. Shivering in fear she says, "take anything you want!"

"Open that cup of semen."

The woman looks over at a tray of recent sperm samples with a disgusted look on her face.

He yells, "Do it!"

Shivering in fear she grabs the co...

Years ago a sperm who won a race

is depressed now.

"Would you be interested in contributing to our Sperm Foundation Fund?"

No thanks, I gave at the office.

I walk to the sperm bank reception and say: "here it is" as I hand the sample to the receptionist

She responds with "thank you for coming"

What do you call a child, made from three different men’s sperm?

A nut mix.

Why didn't the sperm donor have any free time?

Because he had loads to do.

I arrived at the sperm bank, but there's nobody here

I think I came too early

A kid asked his mom “Mom, what’s sperm?”

The mom then think for a while and respond :
“It’s baby when they are not born yet.”

The kid’s birthday came and when he was about to blow out the candle, he yelled :

“I wish mom had more sperm in her belly.”

A woman works in a sperm bank. She is taking a bottle of specimen when a man wearing a ski mask and a gun suddenly bursts into the room.

The gunman points the gun at her, and tells her to drink the specimen. The woman is both scared and shocked. Afraid for her life, she opens the bottle and swallows the liquid. The gunman removes his mask, revealing himself to be her husband, and says:
'See, that wasn't so hard, was it?'

Why are sperm banks always so crowded?

People are paid to come inside.

I work at an oppressed sperm bank

But through all odds, we will overcome.

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An 80-Years old man goes for a Penis Checkup...

After a brief evaluation of his penis the doctor says,

Doctor: Eveything looks fine, but for a complete analysis, we need your sperm(semen) sample too.

He gives him a small glass bottle.

Doctor: Bring this back tomorrow and then we'll proceed further.

Next day the old man...

What’s the similarity between a lawyer and sperm?

1 in 300 million have a chance to become a human being.

I heard that sperm is the strongest glue ever.

It might be true : I've never seen a baby falling apart.

“Wi-Fi laptops can damage your sperm”.

In my experience, not as much as sperm can damage your Wi-Fi laptop.

What do you call sperm's cells race?

Survival of the fetus

if you are having trouble getting someone pregnant, getting your sperm count tested is quick and easy.

But it’ll cost a load.

Guy goes to a doctor and says I'm really sick, don't know what's wrong with me. Doctor says wow, I don't know what this is - so I will need a stool sample, a urine specimen, and and sperm sample.

Guy says, Doc I'm kind of in a hurry. Can I just leave you my shorts?

MBBS Professor: The Sperm is made up of Glucose, the same material Sugar is made of. [nsfw]

A Girl raised her hand: "Then why doesn't it taste like Sugar?"

Whole class went silent.

Girl: “Oops”

Professor : “My dear, that might be because, the taste buds are located on the tip of your Tongue and not at the end of your throat”

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A masked gunman storms into a sperm bank.

He runs up to the counter, pointing his shotgun at the receptionist there, and shouts, "This is a stick-up!"

The receptionist raises her hands and says, "But sir, I don't think you understand. This isn't a regular bank, this is a sperm bank."

He says, "Don't tell me what I don't unders...

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So it was regular day at the sperm bank...

... when this guy wearing a ski mask barges in with a gun and screams:

"EVERYBODY ON THE GROUND NOW!"

The people do as he says and then the guy turns to the receptionist and points the gun at her. She tries to negotiate with him.

"Please just take the money and leave! You don't ...

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You're welcome!

Once upon a time, there was a particularly intelligent sperm cell living inside a particularly large blue whale. From the time it was created, the sperm cell studied diligently and learned a great many things. It read the full text of Wikipedia. It learned languages, history, science. It learned the...

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I went to the sperm bank today

I have a fetish for any sperm donated by a man called Ben, so I set off to find some.

The only sample I could find that matched my needs cost an extortionate 1 grand.

I guess that's just the price for Benedict's Cum Per Batch

Called my local sperm bank clinic to know what's the best time to pay them a visit.

They said, “Whenever you feel like coming.”

I went to the local clinic yesterday.

Me: When I donate blood, I don't extract it myself,

The nurse does it for me.

Receptionist: I understand Sir but this is a sperm bank,

it doesn't work that way here.......

Donating sperm is more lucrative than donating blood...

A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the ...

How do you think burning sperm would smell like?

Genocide

What’s another name for a sperm bank donor?

A cummunist.

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