The 67+ Best Sperm Jokes

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A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

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An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man expla...

Why do sperm cells look like commas and apostrophes?

They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions.

I got fired from a sperm bank...

Every time someone walked in I'd say "get a load of this guy"

A man wearing a ski mask walks into a sperm bank, holding a gun he orders the receptionist to open the vault.

“But sir, this is just a sperm bank” replied the receptionist.

“I don’t care,” the man screamed, “open the vault.”

The receptionist opens the vault and inside are dozens of sperm samples. The man says “ Now take one of those sperm samples and drink it” the man demands.

“ But sir...

How do you know you have a high sperm count?

She has to chew before she swallow.

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I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked if I could masturbate in the cup...

I told her i'm pretty good but I don't think i'm ready to compete in a tournament yet.

Why are sperm donations more expensive than blood donations?

They are hand made

I'm a 5G installation engineer and people are constantly accusing me with bizarre conspiracy theories, such as how 5G is giving them headaches, or killing their sperm. I think they are completely crazy.

4G must've fried their brains.

I was in an unfortunate accident and my sperm became electrified

Came as a shock to my girlfriend

Why did the sperm cross the road?

I put on the wrong socks this morning.

A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Ceasar walk into a bar.

He came, he saw, he conquered.

Yesterday, scientists discovered a species of lizard whose sperm is invisible.

They never saw it coming.

A sperm was undergoing training for conception

His instructor said, 'When the siren goes off, rush out the tunnel and swim until you find a red sticky ball. Address the ball and say "I'm a sperm" to which the ball will reply "I'm the egg". You will then work together to form the embryo. Do you understand?'

The sperm nodded. Days later, th...

What does the receptionist at the sperm bank says when donors are leaving?

Thank you for coming!

Police found a dead body with sperm in its mouth...

I guess someone tried to inject new life into it

The sperm bank in my town offers initial consultations over Zoom.

But for follow-up appointments you have to come in person.

A job at a sperm bank may be a low income job

But you’ll never be low incum

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The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup...

I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."

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I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

**Edit:** Did not expect this joke to take off. Made it to the front page for a little while.

**Edit 2:** Thank you for the gold kind stranger.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

One in fifty-million has a chance at becoming a human being.

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Pollen is actually plant sperm

So that means allergies are Sexually Transmitted Diseases.

Your welcome.

I wanted to become a professional sperm donor

I already had my slogan ready: "Wait till you get a load of this guy!"

'nsfw' What do you call sperm that is stored at a bank?

A blast from the past.

Two Londoners went to the sperm bank.

A total waste of time. One of them came on the bus, the other one missed the tube!

Politicians are like sperm

Only one in a million turn out to be a human being.

The sperm bank I visited yesterday had it's own food court.

Unfortunately, it was just a Jack In The Box.

A sperm asked another sperm what it wants to be when it grows up..

The other sperm answered: I will become.

How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?

Do you just call them and say you can’t come?

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I applied to manage the US Naval sperm bank in Bangkok. The interviewer said they couldn’t hire me, because I was a domestic civilian.

He said only an overseas seaman oversees overseas seamen semen overseas.

The first sperm

The first sperm that reaches the egg is an ova achiever.

One sperm said to the other sperm:

"Man, this is a long journey! How far to the uterus?"

"I don't know, but we've got a ways to go. So far we've only made it to the esophagus."

What’s the difference between a sperm bank and a regular bank?

After you make a deposit at the sperm bank, you lose interest.

Politicians are like sperm..

one in a million turn out to be an actual human being.

What's a sperm bank's distribution policy?

First come, first served?

What was the high-IQ sperm bank called?

Crème de la Crème

What do sperm and politicians have in common?

About 1 in every 500 or 600 million have a chance at becoming human.

Bonus Joke;

### Why do politicians wear neckties?

To keep their foreskin from flopping over their head.

Politicians are like sperm

only 1 in a million turn out to be human

My friend is trying to get pregnant by way of a sperm donor.

She's not having much luck, but I'm pulling for her.

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Some people think sperm just magically travels to the penis when in reality there's a whole duct to transport them...

It might not seem like it, but there's a vas deferens between the two.

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All the sperm cells are getting ready for that moment when they would race down and be the first to impregnate the egg.

The day finally come, they felt vibration and began racing down the shaft. The cell in first place is so excited he could almost see the end. Then all of a sudden, he turns around, waves at everyone behind him and yells, "Turn around, turn around, it's a blowjob!"

Sperm Bank...

At a sperm bank one day, a man walks up with a ski mask and a gun. He points the gun at the lady at the desk. "Sir.. this is a sperm bank.." says the lady. "I know. Get out three bottles of sperm" he commanded. So she obeys and takes out three bottles of frozen sperm. "Drink it." says the man.
...

Did you know you can donate sperm by post?

When I found out, I came in a jiffy.

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What do a fisherman and a sperm donor have in common?

They’re both masterbaiters

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Sperm and egg sales are experiencing a boom right now

I guess sex cells

A man leaving his apartment building runs into his female neighbor on the elevator.

"Good morning, what are you up to today?" he asks.

She replies, "I'm going down to give blood."

"How much do you get paid for giving blood?" he asks.

"About $20 a pint." she says.

"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the spe...

A newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor.

"As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg. Address it and say, 'I'm a Sperm.' She will answer, 'I'm an Egg.' From that moment on you will wo...

TIL sperm donors are paid $50 per donation.

It was devastating. Imagine all the money that has slipped through my fingers.

Did you see the update to the sperm whale Wikipedia page?

[Cetacean needed]

I work at a sperm bank

I make sure to tell everyone’s thanks for coming today!

Dave was going to donate my sperm

So Dave went to the center one day.

The nurse gave Dave jar to store it.

After some time Dave went back to the nurse with an empty jar.

The nurse asked Dave why it was empty.

Dave said "I couldn't do it myself, I tried one hand, then two, but it did not work".

T...

Sperm Bank Robbery

It was a normal day at the local sperm bank, when all of a sudden, a man bursts in with a mask a and a handgun and yells "EVERYONE! ON THE GROUND!"

Once every person in the facility is lying down, he walks over to the refrigerator area for very-recent donations, then turns around, facing the ...

A masked man walks into a sperm bank with a gun.

He points the gun at the receptionist and tells her to open the safe. She says: but you don't understand. This is not a normal bank. This is a sperm bank. The man says: I know exactly what this is. Now open a sample and swallow the whole thing. The woman opens one and swallows it all. The man then t...

Me: “When I donate blood I do not extract it myself. A nurse does it for me.”

Receptionist: “Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn’t work that way.”

A woman is working at a sperm bank

A man in a ski mask comes in, puts a cup on the desk and a gun to her head and says

“drink this sample or I’ll blow your brains out”

She goes, “no, I can’t, I can’t”

He says “drink it or I’ll blow your brains out”

She drinks it.

He takes off the mask. It’s her husb...

Sperm whales

Could they be the reason the sea is so salty?

Did you hear about the fisherman who uses sperm to catch fish?

He calls it his master bait!

Sperm donor

I think an appropriate song in the waiting area of the sperm donor office would be “if I could put time in a bottle”

I just found out sperm banks pay for your sample....

To think I've let all that money slip through my fingers.

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where do sperm go when they die?

The sementary

Sperm...

Is just life in a nutshell

A sperm talks to another sperm and says

„One day I will become a film star“ the other says „I will become a businessman“. Then a bread crumb passes by and says „forget it guys, we‘re in the stomach“

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After running some tests this morning, the doctor told me I had incredibly healthy sperm.

Probably because I only ever masturbate into sports socks.

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Whales have pretty sexual names, Sperm whale, humpback whale...

Your mom

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A guy runs into the sperm bank with a mask and a gun...

"Hands up, lady!" he yells.

The woman behind the counter puts up her hands. "Sir! This isn't a real bank! It's a sperm bank!"

"Never mind that! Just open the vault! Now!"

So she does.

"Get in there! Grab one of them vials!" he says, waving the gun at her.

"But the...

A robber enters a sperm bank..

-Give me all the vaults money right now! Says to the cashier
-Sir this is a sperm bank! In the "vault" we only have sperm says the woman in agony
- Go to the vault, get three bottles of sperm and start drinking them!!!
The woman fearing for her life drinks very reluctantly the two bottles<...

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The Legend of the King Sperm

So one day, all the sperm in a guy’s nuts were having a meeting.

“We always wait for our moment to shine, our shot to glory land, to do our mission, but we get stopped by the latex barrier! We never get to fulfill our duty!”

Thousands of sperm moaned and complained.

“But today, ...

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