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A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The cashier says: “you must be single”

The man replied: “Wow how did you know that ?”

Cashier: “ Because you’re fucking ugly”

Bacon and Eggs

Bacon and Eggs walk into a bar. Bartender says "We don't serve breakfast here".

A mother Chameleon was so overcome with joy when her eggs hatched that her camouflage dropped.

Looking down excitedly, she exclaimed, "I've become apparent!"

What's an eggs least favourite day?

Spanish Inquisition.

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk a carton of eggs a quart of orange juice a head of romaine lettuce a 2 lb. can of coffee a 1 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict'...

Drinking Jack Daniel's while beating scrambled eggs...

It's a bit whiskey

One day someone decided that the best way to refer quantities of eggs and bananas would be in multiples of 12, rather than in multiples of 10

And the whole world was ok with it.

Dozen it seem weird?

My grandpa used to sprinkle a tablespoon of gunpowder on his eggs every morning.

Said it gave him energy through the day. When he died at the ripe old age of 96, he left behind a grieving wife, 6 children, 14 grandchildren, 3 great grandchildren and a 25 foot hole in the side of the crematorium.

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Who does the easter hide eggs?

Why does the Easter *bunny* hide eggs?

He doesn't want anyone to know he's been fucking the chickens.

What do you call it when all the hens in the coup resign the same day from their jobs laying eggs?

Chicken tenders.

I am jealous of eggs...

... they get laid, while I do not.

How do you call a female moth that recently laid eggs?

A MOTHer.

What do eggs do when they’re tired?

They eggs-it.

How does Shrek like his eggs?

Ogre easy.

How does my gf like her eggs?

Ovary z

I cracked open two eggs for breakfast this morning. One had two yolks, the other had a little chunk of steak.

The double-yolker was great! The meaty-yolker was just okay.

My dad only eats Eggs Benedict at Christmas, and only when we visit Grandma and Grandpa.

He says there's no place like home for the hollandaise.

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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband....

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I sa...

What does a horse do when he eats a bunch of eggs and olive oil?

He Mayo-neighs

Why can't eggs keep secrets?

Because they tend to crack under pressure

Two eggs in a frying pan

One says to the other; “wow! It’s warm in here!”
The other replies “Argh!!! A talking egg!”

was at a restaurant the other day and overheard this conversation. Customer: "I don't eat honey, eggs, cheese, dairy or any meat products. What can I get?"

Waiter: "You can get the hell out of here"

A rooster lays an egg on top of a roof. Which way does it roll?

Roosters don’t lay eggs.

Saw a sign at a farm that said, "duck, eggs."

I was contemplating the use of the comma when it hit me.

My vegetarian wife wanted the egg smell gone from the pan in which I cooked scrambled egg

So i cooked beef in it.

A brand new hubcap makes the best plate for eggs Benedict.

Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

Two eggs are taking a bath. ‘It’s awfully hot in here’ one egg says.

‘That’s what gets me hard’ the other egg answers.

what’s the difference between eggs,and you?

eggs get laid,you don’t.

What do Green Eggs and Ham and Fifty Shades of Grey have in common?

They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.

A man wanted a chicken of his own to lay fresh eggs for him. He went to a farm supply store that had chickens and tried to buy one, but he was denied because he wasn't a registered farmer. The clerk said, "Sorry sir. . ."

"No farm, no fowl."

A joke about eggs

An egg soldier is on a battlefield, trying to make contact with the egg commander.

"Sir, can you hear me?"

"Yes but there's a large amount of static on your end."

"Just as I thought."

"What do you mean, corporal?"

"Our communications have been scrambled."

My step sis asked me to bring her something hard to write on...

Idk why she's so mad, it's really hard to write on scrambled eggs.

If that fly laid eggs in Pence’s hair

...He damn well better carry them to full term!

Nothing beats fresh, local, eggs!

Except for whisks.

A couple were living together after five years of being together

One day the girlfriend is in the kitchen and on top of the fridge she finds $10000 and four eggs. She is baffled by what the money and eggs would be doing there, so she goes and asks her boyfriend about it. “Hey baby, why is there $10000 and four eggs on the fridge?” Her finding it jolted him. “Oh. ...

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My wife pranked me this morning. She crushed my Viagra pill and put in my eggs, and poured some MiraLax in my milk.

I didn't know if I was coming or going!

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It's my cake day, so here's a classic!

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a sex shop and...

An old man is sitting with his wife on her death-bed. He asks her about the box containing three eggs and large pile of cash hidden under the bed.

"I'm ashamed to tell you that the contents of this box represents my infidelity to you." she admits with a guilty look. "Every time I went with another man, I'd place one of our chickens' eggs in the carton."

"Well Dear, don't feel bad. I suppose three times in fifty years is no big deal."...

A new supermarket opened near my house.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing, and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department, there is th...

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor.

The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told ...

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35 years and dozens of eggs

A woman on her deathbed calls her husband into her room and instructs him to look under the bed and open the wooden box that is there. In it, he sees 3 eggs and $7,000 in cash. Puzzled, he asks his wife what the eggs are for.

"Oh, those", she replies, "Every time we had bad sex, I put an egg ...

Whenever I eat eggs benedict it reminds me of the time I lived in the Netherlands...

Those were my Holland days...

I tried to order a couple of eggs for breakfast in Paris.

The waiter said "One egg is an oeuf!"

My chickens were laying to many eggs so I had to sell their coop.

They now have a chicken sedan.

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One day a teacher asked the class to get a story with a moral

The next day she asks a girl what her moral was

The girl says "Every year we get our chickens and take their eggs to the market to sell them. We were going down yesterday and my dad hit a pothole and all the eggs cracked in the basket"

The teacher asked "So what's the moral?"

...

Why don’t eggs tell jokes?

They’d crack each other up.

On my way to climb Mt. Everest, I came upon a local villager who said he had a rooster that laid eggs.

"How is that possible?" I asked.
"Himalayan rooster," he replied.

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

I had a hen that could count her own eggs.

She was a Mathmachicken.

I could never eat 288 eggs

It'd be two gross.

Best pickup line: How do you like your eggs in the morning...

Fertilized?

An IVF technician goes to brunch. The waiter asks "how would you like your eggs?" She replies

"ovaries-y"

A wife tells her husband, “We’re out of bread. Please go the grocery store and buy one. And if they’ve got eggs, get six.”

After a while, he’s back with six loaves of bread. The wife asks, “Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?” He replies, “They had eggs.”

A dozen eggs

Jim's friend tells him:
"I have a joke for you: how many eggs can you eat in the morning, on an empty stomach?"

"I don't know", answers Jim, "I'd say a dozen".

"No, just one!" answers his friend. "After that, you're not on an empty stomach anymore!"

"Funny one!" answers the m...

A women asks her husband "Can you make us some eggs?"

"Do I look to you like a chicken?"

Why did the police officer arrest the chef?

For beating the eggs and whipping the cream.

I told my wife that I didn’t like the way she makes eggs. She got mad and threw one of the eggs at my head

And now the yokes on me

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The Farmer and the Rooster LONG

A farmer has over 100 hens on his land, but not one rooster. He sees an ad in the local paper for "Stud Rooster, $50. Guaranteed or your money back", so he sends in the money. Two days later the crate arrives, and inside is the scrawniest rooster the farmer has ever seen.

The rooster looks...

I just dropped all of my eggs...

Oeuf

Imagine if roosters laid eggs.

So many dad yolks at our disposal.

Guy who hasn't seen his Girlfriend since lock-down, phoned her.

Guy: Hi babe hows the diet going.?

Her: Not good, I had eggs for breakfast.

Guy: Scrambled.?

Her: No, Cadbury's.

A man picks up a woman from the bar and takes her home for the night. They have a great night together. In the morning, he's getting off the bed and asks her, "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"

The woman says, "Unfertilized".

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Overheard

This guy is in a restaurant and he hears another dude w a thick accent talking in the next booth.

He stares down into his plate of eggs and the guy behind him goes

"Emma cum first, then I cum"

And he reaches for the pepper and the guy is still talking

"Then the two asses...

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