UPJOKE
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If a mother chicken is called a hen, what is a father chicken called?

Henry

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A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets home it fucks all of his 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens. Next day it's fucking the ducks and the geese too

Sadly, later in the day the farmer finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling over its head. Farmer yells , "You deserve it, you horny bastard!"

The cock slowly opens one eye, looks up at the sky and whispers , " Shhhhhh, They're about to land!!!"

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A guy and a hen enter a bar together

They sit down at the table. The hen has extraordinarily long legs.

The waiter asks the guy what he wants.

The guy, with a sad and tired expression asks for a black coffee and a slice of applepie.

The hen promptly says: "I'll have the same, thanks".

The waiter is amazed by...

I had a hen who could count her own eggs..

She was a mathmachicken.

What do you call someone who looks after hens?

A chicken tender.

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A m‌‌other w‌‌as w‌‌alking d‌‌own t‌‌he h‌‌all w‌‌hen s‌‌he h‌‌eard a‌‌ h‌‌umming s‌‌ound c‌‌oming f‌‌rom h‌‌er d‌‌aughter's b‌‌edroom. W‌‌hen s‌‌he o‌‌pened t‌‌he d‌‌oor s‌‌he f‌‌ound h‌‌er d‌‌aughter n‌‌aked o‌‌n t‌‌he b‌‌ed w‌‌ith a‌‌ v‌‌ibrator.

What a‌‌re y‌‌ou d‌‌oing?", s‌‌he e‌‌xclaimed.

The d‌‌aughter r‌‌eplied, "‌‌I'm 3‌‌5 a‌‌nd s‌‌till l‌‌iving a‌‌t h‌‌ome w‌‌ith m‌‌y p‌‌arents a‌‌nd t‌‌his i‌‌s t‌‌he c‌‌losest I‌‌'ll e‌‌ver g‌‌et t‌‌o a‌‌ h‌‌usband."

Later t‌‌hat w‌‌eek t‌‌he f‌‌ather w‌‌as i‌‌n t‌‌he k‌‌itchen a‌‌nd h...

There are usually a hundred hens on a farm...

... and only one rooster. After all the rooster is just meant for mating, and useless apart from that.

One day, the farmer decided that the current rooster is getting old, and bought a new younger rooster in.

The old rooster, upon seeing the new, younger rooster, got angry.

"Wh...

how did the chicken take over the hen house?

in a coop d’etat

A horse and a hen are playing in a field...

One day a horse and a hen are playing in a field. The horse gets stuck in a puddle of mud, and starts to sink. The hen is frantically searching for anything to help her friend, so she decides to go back to the barn. There, she grabs the keys to the farmer’s Mercedes and drives to where the horse is ...

The coincidences

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said,

\- “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”

\- “What a coincidence,” the farmer said.

\- “This is a special day for me; I am cel...

‌‌I w‌‌as f‌‌ucking m‌‌y s‌‌ecretary u‌‌p t‌‌he a‌‌rse w‌‌hen m‌‌y w‌‌ife w‌‌alked i‌‌n

She s‌‌aid, "‌‌You c‌‌an't d‌‌o t‌‌his t‌‌o m‌‌e!"

I s‌‌aid, "‌‌I k‌‌now... t‌‌hat's w‌‌hy I‌‌'m d‌‌oing i‌‌t t‌‌o h‌‌er.

A New Zealand Farmer gets a knock on his door, it's a man in his mid-thirties who looks like he's been traveling a while.

The man asks if he could earn a meal and a place to stay for the night.

"Do you have any skills?" The farmer asks.

"Well, I do have a rare gift -- I can communicate with animals."

"...sure you can," the farmer says. "But I like your style. I'll put you to work."

So the ma...

John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
...

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What do you call a hen with a shield?

A cock blocker

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When I walked into my kitchen in the middle of the night, I caught my pet hen masturbating in front of the open fridge.

I guess the chicken came before the eggs.

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What did the horny hen say?

Any cock’ll doodle do!!

*courtesy of my 62 year old roommate*

What do you call a hen looking at lettuce?

A chicken sees her salad

There was a hen that had fever

she laid boiled eggs

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No one expects it!

A guy was traveling in the Spanish countryside, and after driving all day he stopped for the night at a tiny inn. The innkeeper, upon giving him his key, asked him if he would like to participate in a battle of wits with his special chicken. "If you stump him, you get a wish, any wish you like!" he ...

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What do you call a rooster watching his hen get fucked by another rooster?

A cluckold.

I bought some french hens recently, but it’s very frustrating that so far they’ve only laid a single egg

Un oeuf is enough.

What does an evil hen lay?

Deviled eggs!

This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barny...

A‌‌ m‌‌an w‌‌as s‌‌hopping i‌‌n a‌‌ n‌‌earby s‌‌upermarket w‌‌hen h‌‌e n‌‌oticed a‌‌ p‌‌ackage t‌‌hat s‌‌aid "‌‌Olympic C‌‌ondoms". H‌‌e b‌‌ought i‌‌t, a‌‌nd t‌‌old h‌‌is w‌‌ife a‌‌bout i‌‌t.

Wife: "Olympic Condoms? What's so special about them?"

Man: "They have 3 colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze."

Wife: "And what color are you going to wear tonight?"

Man: "Gold, obviously!"

Wife: "W‌‌hy n‌‌ot S‌‌ilver? I‌‌t'd b‌‌e g‌‌reat i‌‌f y‌‌ou c‌‌ame s‌‌econd, f‌‌or a‌‌ ...

When is a hen following the letter W

That’s it

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3 mothers are talking: a hen, a cow, and a bitch

They’re bragging about how important they are to humanity.

The hen says “I give people eggs, the most popular breakfast ever, and when I die I can feed a family for a night.”

The cow says “that’s nothing, my milk gets drank at any meal, humans make it into yogurt and all sorts of bak...

A hen lays a shockingly huge egg.

News reporters visit the hen for an interview. “This is amazing,” they tell the hen, “a two pound egg, that’s unheard of!

Do you have any goals for the future?”

“Yes, I’m really aiming for a four pounder!” says the hen proudly.

“And you, sir, congratulations,” the reporters app...

What do you call it when all the hens in the coup resign the same day from their jobs laying eggs?

Chicken tenders.

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What kind of porn do roosters watch?

Hen-tai

A joke just for Scots.

A woman walks into a butchers in Glasgow on a cold winter day. The butcher is standing with his hands behind his back, warming them on a heater.

“Is that you’re Ayrshire bacon?” says the woman.

The butcher replies “Naw hen, ma hauns are cold.”

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A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed.

At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster screwing the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow. Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, l...

Two farmers, One hen.

There once was a farmer who owned a hen, this hen would occasionally wander over to his neighbour's property.

One day the hen laid an egg along the property line and , right in front of the farmer, the neighbour walked over and picked up the egg. A battle of words ensues.

Farmer: why a...

I started a Tinder app for chickens.

It’s not full time or anything. I just do it to make hens meet.

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Dedicated to Amber Heard

After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and ...

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A hen and an egg had just had sex.

Afterwards when they were lying in bed when the hen said:
"Well, now we know the answer to that old question."

I w‌‌as d‌‌igging i‌‌n o‌‌ur g‌‌arden w‌‌hen I‌‌ f‌‌ound a‌‌ c‌‌hest f‌‌ull o‌‌f g‌‌old c‌‌oins.

I‌‌ w‌‌as a‌‌bout t‌‌o r‌‌un s‌‌traight h‌‌ome t‌‌o t‌‌ell m‌‌y w‌‌ife a‌‌bout i‌‌t, b‌‌ut t‌‌hen I‌‌ r‌‌emembered w‌‌hy I‌‌ w‌‌as d‌‌igging i‌‌n o‌‌ur g‌‌arden.

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Dave's wife is out for the night and he decides to eat some shrooms.

Dave's wife is out for the night and he decides to eat some shrooms. He passes out and wakes up at the pearly gates of heaven.

St Peter greets him and explains that he's actually died from eating some bad shrooms. However, if he makes dinner for Jesus and his 12 disciples *AND* they happen to...

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Why did the hen share her crayons with the rooster?

So the cock could doodle too

Two women are on their way home smashed after a hen night

Stumbling around, as they wander home they become desperate for a wee. They pass a graveyard, and deciding its the only place they can be sure nobody will see them, they go in.

They go for a whizz, and woman one used her panties to clean up before discarding them behind a bush. Woman 2, worri...

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The town drunkard gets berated by his wife for drinking with the money she gave him to get chicken.

With his ego hurt he promptly gets drunk again, steals a live hen from a nearby farm and tries to scramble back home before getting caught. In a bid to not get caught, he sneaks into a shabby cinema hall after somehow calming the hen down enough to stick it down his pants.
It was an adult film ...

I once had a hen that could count her own eggs... (BPI)

She was a **mathema-chicken.**



\- Brought to you by the Bad Puns Initiative (BPI)

What award is given to the best young hen?

The Pullet-zer Prize.

cheating wife

A man asks his wife, how many times have you cheated on me?

His wife answered: 3 times.

husband: What? When was the the first time?

\_Do you remember when you were a football player, but nobody hired you, but then someone did?

husband: When was the the second time?
...

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A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster.

He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that would service all of his many hens.
When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, "I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"
So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before set...

You know, we've had it wrong all along, when it comes to the question of what came first, the chicken or the egg

The answer has always been the rooster.

A hen walks into a library

Walks up to the librarian and says “book”, the librarian looks a little confused but gets a book and gives to the hen, who tucks it under her wing and then walks out.

The hen comes back in the next day, walks up to the librarian and goes “book book book” the librarian is amazed and hands over...

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A man goes into a brothel one day...

He walks in and asks the madame "How much for 30 minutes with a woman?" The madame replies "$200." The man says "I don't have that kind of money, what can I do with $20?" The madame replies "You can do in that room and fuck a chicken."

The man is disgusted and leaves. Fuck a chicken? What...

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a Male Hen

It was Passover and the priest had lost his Rooster and didn't know where to find it. So at the sermon on Good Friday he asked, "Has anybody got the cock?" All the men stood up. "No! no! I mean has anybody seen the cock?" All the women folk stood up. "No! no! I mean has anybody seen my cock?"
...

Why did the hen fall in the well?

she couldn't see that well

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A man’s grandfather dies

A man’s grandfather dies and leaves him a farm. But he doesn’t have any animals. He goes for a walk and sees a sign that says animals for sale. He walks up and says I’d like a hen. The guy says alright we don’t call them hens we call em pullets. What else do you need? I need a donkey he says ok but ...

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A farmer buys a cock to breed his hens...

The first day the cock fucks every hen of the farmer.
Needless to say the farmer is amazed.
The second day the cock fucks every hen plus the geese.
Needless to say the farmer is impressed and a bit worried about the cock...
Then, at the evening of the third day the cock is laying motio...

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Caribbean hens are so rude

Damn jerk chickens

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“When the male genetalia is called cock, then why female genetalia is not called as hen ?”

“Sir, just one advice before you leave . Next time in interview , when they ask if you have any questions . It’s about the company or your potential role in it “

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What do you call it when two Japanese hens finish a race at the same time?

A hen-tie

How did the rooster meet the hen?

Chicken tinder....

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Did you hear about the man with a rooster, a hen and a donkey?

He asked a guy on the street, "Hey, can you hold my cock and pullet, while I scratch my ass?"

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What do you call a hen that acts like an asshole?

Jerk chicken

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A dirty Easter Joke,,,

A rooster wakes up early Easter Sunday morning. He sticks his head out of the chicken coop, and sees all these multicolored eggs all over the barnyard. He takes a look at the eggs, takes a look at the hens, ta...

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A farmer buys a rooster for his hens but with a warning from the seller...

A farmer needs to buy a rooster for his hens but the seller warns him that the rooster is unusually amorous and will attempt to copulate with any living creature.

Since the farmer is in dire need after a few foxes have made off with his previous roosters, he takes the risk as part of the bar...

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The Hen Joke

Sorry if this is a retread, but I've always liked this one...

Dave comes home after a long night of drinking at his favorite bar. His wife is asleep, so he tiptoes into the dark bedroom, undresses, puts on his pajamas, and slips into bed beside her. Moments later, he becomes aware of a tall...

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Why don't hens have boobs

Because roosters don't have hands

A farmer bought a rooster to service his hens.

So, this farmer went out and bought a new rooster as a stud rooster. Every day, the farmer watched the rooster go service all the hens, then the rooster would start in on the pigs, the sheep, the cows, it would mate with them all. The farmer always shook his head and said, "One of these days.. one o...

A hen is having a talk with its chick

Chick: Why do humans get names but we don't? We are only called hens, or chickens or roosters.

Hen: Well, WE might not get names but when we die, we have many names. Humans on the other hand, are only called zombies or ghosts.

Chick: What are we called when we die then?

Hen: ...

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Between a hen and an egg, which came first?

Nonw, it was the cock

What do you call a hen that can add, subtract, and multiply?

A mathamachicken.

Asked a hen how many eggs it lays daily?

It said: two eggs

I said: Oh strange!

It said: what's strange? the fact that I lay two eggs?

I said: no, the fact that you talk

A man decided to open a farm.

He went to the store and asked for a hen. The store owner said "Sure! They're called pullets around here." The man also asked for a goose. The owner said "Sure, but we call those peckers here!" Lastly, the man asked for a donkey. The owner said "They're called asses around here. I'll sell you mine, ...

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A man goes to an animal market

He goes up to a rooster seller and buys a rooster.

The seller hands it to him and says, "Oh, in this business, we call it a cock".

The man takes note and goes to buy a hen from a seller.

The seller hands it to him after paying and tells him "By the way, in this business, we call...

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The parrot on the piano

(Not my own)

A parrot developed the bad habit of fucking the farmer's hens, making them quit laying. The farmer tells the parrot if he does it again he will pull out every feather in the parrot's head. The next day, the farmer again catches the parrot humping a hen, and snatches the parrot ba...

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A farmer went to the market to buy a rooster to mate with his hens

Another farmer sold him one and warned him how horny the rooster was.

The farmer took the rooster home and as soon as he put it into the pen, it has sex with every chicken. 10 minutes later it then had sex with every chicken again. Out of fear for the health of his chickens, he put it in a se...

What did the hen wear to the office?

A hentai

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?



Neither. **The rooster came, and got the hen laid in the process.**



*(Biologist's answer: At some point a distant relative of the chicken laid an egg, and the mutations expressed in the chick's DNA would have it hatch as the first modern chicken - so the egg had to come first ...

Why did the French Hen give up her job?

One day she'd just had un œuf.

What do you call an abusive mother hen?

An egg beater

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An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman…..

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman took their wives to play a round of golf…
The Englishman’s wife stepped up to the tee first and as she bent over to place her ball, a sudden gust of wind blew up her skirt, revealing she wasn't wearing any panties.

“Good God, my sweet pet! What e...

What sound does a French hen make when it lays an egg?

Oeuf.

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Joke I heard in middle school [1990] and is still funny

A man gets sick of the rat race and decides to retire to farming. Goes to farmer's market to buy livestock. Goes to buy a hen. Seller says, 'Here ya go but here in the country, we call that a poullette (pullit). Man says, 'Okay.'

Man Goes to buy a rooster. Seller says, 'Here in the country...

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Kellyanne Conway walks into the Red Hen for dinner

She's about to butter her bread when she summons over the waiter. She asks, "Do you have any margarine?" The waiter replies, "Sorry, we don't serve alternative fats"

What happens when you cross a bull with a hen?

A dead hen.

A hen walks into Subway

The sandwich artist says, "Sorry, we don't serve chicken."

Why are hens so good at fire drills?

They always know where to egg sit.

One day mother hen laid an orange.

When they saw it all the other chickens said, "Look what marmalade."

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Did you hear about the Rooster who walked into the hen-house on Easter morning?

He saw all the colored eggs, then went over and beat the hell out of the Peacock.

A gaggle of geese, a brood of hens, what do you call a group of turkeys?

A corporation.

Why did the Hen make her Rooster cross the road?

Because he was using fowl language.

Brother Hen!

A guy goes to the Doctors and he says "Doctor, I'm really worried about my brother, he thinks he's a Hen "
The Doctor says "well have you taken him to see a psychiatrist?", and the guy says "Don't be stupid, we need the eggs "

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A farmer was having an issue with his parrot

His parrot was getting into the chicken coop and having sex with all the hens. It was happening so much that they stopped laying eggs. The angry farmer told the parrot "if you have sex with any of my chickens again, I'm going to pluck every last feather out of your head!"

The next day the fa...

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One day, a business man realizes he's tired of urban life and decides to buy a farm...

After he buys the farm, he figures he should buy some animals and equipment. He goes to the local supply store and talks to the man working there and asks, "What would I need to get started on my new farm? I've never done this before and would love any advice you can offer!"

The man looks him...

A couple of hens were discussing the days events...

... One of the hens is flustered and worried, so she tells the other hen, "I think one of us is gonna get it! I heard Farmer Brown tell Neighbour Jones that he was gonna stay home and choke the chicken tonight!"

I buy chicks but not hens.

A chick's a little cheeper

A hen walks into a library...

...and says, *"Book!"*. The librarian finds this odd, but gives the hen a book of their choice anyway, and the hen leaves.

The next day, the hen comes back and says, *"Bookbookbook!"*. The librarian, still dumbfounded, gives the hen three books and the hen leaves again.

The next day,...

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Horny Rooster

A farmer is in dire straights as his only rooster died. Desperate, he went to his neighbors farm to see if he might be able to purchase one of his.

The neighbor said he only had one for sale, but warned the farmer, this is one horny rooster. He'll screw pretty much anything!

With no ...

A new supermarket opened near my house.

A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing, and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay....

Due to the current economic situation in the world, I’ve started a dating site for chickens.

It’s not my full-time job, I’m just doing it...
...to make hens meet.

Littl‌‌e J‌‌ohnn‌‌y w‌‌a‌‌s t‌‌ol‌‌d b‌‌‌‌y h‌‌i‌‌s f‌‌riend‌‌s t‌‌ha‌‌t a‌‌dult‌‌s h‌‌av‌‌e a‌‌‌‌ d‌‌ee‌‌p d‌‌ar‌‌k s‌‌ecre‌‌t a‌‌n‌‌d c‌‌a‌‌n b‌‌‌‌e e‌‌asil‌‌y m‌‌anipulated.

Johnn‌‌y d‌‌ecide‌‌s t‌‌‌‌o t‌‌es‌‌t i‌‌t‌‌. H‌‌‌‌e c‌‌ome‌‌s h‌‌ome‌‌, g‌‌oe‌‌s u‌‌‌‌p t‌‌‌‌o h‌‌i‌‌s m‌‌othe‌‌r a‌‌n‌‌d s‌‌ays‌‌, "‌‌Mom‌‌, I‌‌‌‌ k‌‌no‌‌w e‌‌verything.‌‌" M‌‌o‌‌m s‌‌hushe‌‌s h‌‌i‌‌m a‌‌n‌‌d g‌‌ive‌‌s h‌‌i‌‌m $‌‌10.

"Jus‌‌t d‌‌on'‌‌t t‌‌el‌‌l D‌‌ad‌‌" s‌‌h‌‌e s‌‌ays.
...

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