My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens o...

A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."

The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture -- soon, he's b...

What do you call a hen looking at lettuce?

Chicken sees her salad

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A chicken farmer goes into a bar, takes a seat next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

He turns to her and says,

"What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman.

"What a c...

I had a hen who could count her own eggs

She was a mathamachicken

A horse and a hen are playing in a field...

One day a horse and a hen are playing in a field. The horse gets stuck in a puddle of mud, and starts to sink. The hen is frantically searching for anything to help her friend, so she decides to go back to the barn. There, she grabs the keys to the farmer’s Mercedes and drives to where the horse is ...

What did the father cow say to his daughter, when she came home late yet again?

You are an UDDER disappointment to this family young lady!

(I hit the spoiler on my last post, so just decided to remake it, sorry for the double post).

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What do you call it when two Japanese hens finish a race at the same time?

A hen-tie

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."

Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."

Third B...

What do you call a hen that counts its own eggs?

A mathemachicken.

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Lost in Costco a young man and an old man

Lost in Costco

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Costco when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
"The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a ...

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Why don't hens have boobs

Because roosters don't have hands

What do you call a hen that can add, subtract, and multiply?

A mathamachicken.

Terrorist holding dad at gunpoint-

Terrorist: "Say your last words!"

Dad: "Your last words!"

Terrorist: "What? ugh, you Americans. Be serious!"

Dad: "Okay, I'll be Sirius. Who are you going to be?"

Terrorist: "Stop. Why isn't this scaring your?"

Dad: "Nothing really scares me anymore; not since I sa...

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Dave's wife is out for the night and he decides to eat some shrooms. He passes out and wakes up at the pearly gates of heaven.

St Peter greets him and explains that he's actually died from eating some bad shrooms. However, if he makes dinner for Jesus and his 12 disciples *AND* they happen to like it, he'll be revived back on earth.

He enters a huge kitchen, packed with every kind of ingredient imaginable. Dave coul...

When I'm single I go straight to the farm and collect eggs

It's the best place to pick up chicks.

A hen is having a talk with its chick

Chick: Why do humans get names but we don't? We are only called hens, or chickens or roosters.

Hen: Well, WE might not get names but when we die, we have many names. Humans on the other hand, are only called zombies or ghosts.

Chick: What are we called when we die then?

Hen: ...

How did the rooster meet the hen?

Chicken tinder....

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The horny rooster.

A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmer’s hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore, he is worried. Next morning,...

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A farmer buys a new cock

A farmer buys a new young cock. As soon as he gets it home, the cock rushes and fucks all 150 hens.

The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock screws all 150 hens again. Now, the farmer starts getting worried. The next day, he finds the cock fucking the ducks, the geese, and the lone parrot...

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So a farmer wakes up one morning and looks out the window and sees his prize rooster laying in the middle of the barnyard stiff as a board with buzzards circling overhead.

With his only rooster dead, he decides to go to the market to buy a new rooster. At the market he sees a stall with a very nice looking rooster and he asks the seller how much he wants for the rooster and the seller tells him $1000. The farmer is absolutely shocked at this price, but the seller tell...

What does a hen wear to work.

A hen tie

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Kellyanne Conway walks into the Red Hen for dinner

She's about to butter her bread when she summons over the waiter. She asks, "Do you have any margarine?" The waiter replies, "Sorry, we don't serve alternative fats"

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What do you call a hen that acts like an asshole?

Jerk chicken

I buy chicks but not hens.

A chick's a little cheeper

A hen walks into a library

Walks up to the librarian and says “book”, the librarian looks a little confused but gets a book and gives to the hen, who tucks it under her wing and then walks out.

The hen comes back in the next day, walks up to the librarian and goes “book book book” the librarian is amazed and hands over...

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Appolcolypse

A zombie apocalypse had enveloped the earth. 99.9% of the world’s population had been annihilated and Carl, lone survivor, was venturing the land looking for somewhere to take shelter.

One day, he came across a prison. The place was full of people armed with swords, spears, axes and all kin...

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What do you call an orgy in the hen house?

A cluckster fuck.

One day mother hen laid an orange.

When they saw it all the other chickens said, "Look what marmalade."

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Did you hear about the Rooster who walked into the hen-house on Easter morning?

He saw all the colored eggs, then went over and beat the hell out of the Peacock.

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“When the male genetalia is called cock, then why female genetalia is not called as hen ?”

“Sir, just one advice before you leave . Next time in interview , when they ask if you have any questions . It’s about the company or your potential role in it “

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A farmer buys a cock to breed his hens...

The first day the cock fucks every hen of the farmer.
Needless to say the farmer is amazed.
The second day the cock fucks every hen plus the geese.
Needless to say the farmer is impressed and a bit worried about the cock...
Then, at the evening of the third day the cock is laying motio...

What do you call an abusive mother hen?

An egg beater

What kind of eggs do evil hens lay?

Deviled eggs!

What's the difference between a hen and a rooster?

Hens lay eggs. Roosters lay hens.

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A man walks into his kitchen with a sheep under his arm when he looks at his wife and says...

"This is the pig I've been fucking when you're not around."

His wife rolls her eyes and replies "that's a sheep, not a pig, idiot."

"I wasn't taking to you."

Asked a hen how many eggs it lays daily?

It said: two eggs

I said: Oh strange!

It said: what's strange? the fact that I lay two eggs?

I said: no, the fact that you talk

Why did the hen fall in the well?

she couldn't see that well

What sound does a French hen make when it lays an egg?

Oeuf.

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Brian and the Hen

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell fast asleep.
When Brian awoke a few hours later he found a strange man was standing at the end of his bed weari...

Why are hens so good at fire drills?

They always know where to egg sit.

A couple of hens were discussing the days events...

... One of the hens is flustered and worried, so she tells the other hen, "I think one of us is gonna get it! I heard Farmer Brown tell Neighbour Jones that he was gonna stay home and choke the chicken tonight!"

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After a long winter, a mountain lion, a wolf, and a fox...

After a long winter, a mountain lion, a wolf, and a fox get together and each tells how they spent the winter.

The mountain lion says, "I spent my winter in a pigpen, and each day I ate a pig. The owner counted the pigs, saw that some were missing, and set a trap from which I barely escaped."...

What's a baby hen called?

A chic hen

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Dirty Easter Joke

This rooster wakes up early Easter Sunday morning. He sticks his head out of the chicken coop, and sees all these multicolored eggs all over the barnyard. He takes a look at the eggs, takes a look at the hens, takes another look at the eggs, takes one more look at the hens, he thinks about it for a ...

Brother Hen!

A guy goes to the Doctors and he says "Doctor, I'm really worried about my brother, he thinks he's a Hen "
The Doctor says "well have you taken him to see a psychiatrist?", and the guy says "Don't be stupid, we need the eggs "

What came first, the hen or the egg?

The rooster. ;)

Why did the Hen make her Rooster cross the road?

Because he was using fowl language.

A hen walks into Subway

The sandwich artist says, "Sorry, we don't serve chicken."

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A farmer buys a rooster for his hens but with a warning from the seller...

A farmer needs to buy a rooster for his hens but the seller warns him that the rooster is unusually amorous and will attempt to copulate with any living creature.

Since the farmer is in dire need after a few foxes have made off with his previous roosters, he takes the risk as part of the bar...

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The Horny Rooster

Horny Rooster

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that would service all of his many hens.

When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, "I have just the rooster for ...

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A priest had lost his male hen and didn't know where to find it.

So at the sermon next day he queried "Has anybody got the cock ?"
All the men stood up.

No no I mean has anybody seen the cock?
All the women folk stood up.

No no i mean has anybody seen my cock?
All the nuns stood up.!!!!

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The Hen Joke

Sorry if this is a retread, but I've always liked this one...

Dave comes home after a long night of drinking at his favorite bar. His wife is asleep, so he tiptoes into the dark bedroom, undresses, puts on his pajamas, and slips into bed beside her. Moments later, he becomes aware of a tall...

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Hens.

The Priest of a small village was very fond of his flock of ten hens and a cockerel.

He kept them in a hen house behind the parish, but one Saturday night, the cockerel was missing.

The priest, suspecting fowl play decided to say something about it at church the next morning.

At...

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An old farmer decided that it was time to get a new rooster for his hens.

The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting old, so the farmer figured that getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So, he gets a young rooster and lets it loose in the barn yard.

The old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. "...

A gaggle of geese, a brood of hens, what do you call a group of turkeys?

A corporation.

Why did the French Hen give up her job?

One day she'd just had un œuf.

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Little Johnny gets on the pubic bus and sits right behind the bus driver.

He keeps saying," If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a calf. If my mom was a hen and my dad was a rooster, I'd be a chick. If my mom was a doe and my dad was a buck, I'd be a fawn."

The annoyed bus driver stops the bus and turns to Little Johnny, saying, "What if your mom was a...

I’m thinking of starting a social media network for chickens.

But not as my full time job, just a way to make hens meet.

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A young lady had just visited her doctor and he informed her that she was pregnant..

the young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share the good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with.


Sir, she said, I...

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[NSFW] The rooster decided to enroll in a foreign language class down on the farm...

Should I learn to speak horse, or cow, he wondered. Or pig? Finally, he decided he would learn to speak turkey.

When he came home from class, however he was crying. Mama hen asked him, " did something happen at school today?"

"Yes Mama, I had to file a sexual harassment claim against m...

The Coolidge Effect

President Coolidge and Mrs. Coolidge were being shown [separately] around an experimental government farm.

When [Mrs. Coolidge] came to the chicken yard she noticed that a rooster was mating very frequently. She asked the attendant how often that happened and was told, "Dozens of times each d...

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Farmer Brown goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken.

The cocky young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says, “OK, old fellow, time to retire.”


The old rooster says, “You can’t handle all these chickens. Look what it did to me!”


The young rooster replies, “Now, don’t give me a hassle about this old man. It’s time for the o...

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What do roosters watch when they're horny?

Hen-tai.

A hen walks into a library...

...and says, *"Book!"*. The librarian finds this odd, but gives the hen a book of their choice anyway, and the hen leaves.

The next day, the hen comes back and says, *"Bookbookbook!"*. The librarian, still dumbfounded, gives the hen three books and the hen leaves again.

The next day,...

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Practice!!!

A farmer sees an advertisement for a virile rooster and immediately buys it. Upon returning home it puts him into the hen pen and goes for his noon siesta.
Upon returning he finds that the roster has fucked every single one of the 50 hens. The farmer is shocked but satisfied that he'll have a ric...

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A farmer buys a young cock

A farmers cock is getting old, so he decides to buy another younger one.

When the new cock is put into the pen with the other chickens, the old cock says to him "I own all these hens, they all will only sleep with me, but I am old, I will give them to you if you grant my last wish before I di...

Three prisoners

Three prisoners escape from a chain gang and run off towards a farm. They can hear the guards and the dogs behind them. They stop at the fence and agree to split up to increase the odds of escaping.

One prisoner runs towards the barn, one hides in the hen house, and the third guy heads toward...

A chicken farmer and his son went out to gather eggs one morning

They went in the hen house but couldn't find a single egg. As they left the hen house they saw several sets of footprints leading away from the roost.

Following them up and over a hill they found an abandoned campsite with a still smoldering fire.

Next to the fire was an old pot and a ...

What do you call the binding of female chickens?

Hen-tai

Listen now to the story of the two brothers Hing and Ming

Listen now to the story of the two brothers Hing and Ming. Each was devoted to the search for ultimate wisdom, but they differed greatly on how it was to be found. One day their pet chicken fell ill, began to molt, and soon lost all of its feathers! The brothers decided that this would be an ideal t...

Little Johnny is in 1st grade, but extremely smart.

One day his friend asks him how he’s so clever.

Little Johnny answers: Simple, I use association.

During this, their teacher is listening and thinks this is a big word for a first grader so the teacher decided to test him.

Teacher: Johnny I heard you telling your friend about...

A girl dares a scottish boy to climb up a flagpole.

He bets her five dollars that he can and she agrees. He climbs all the way to the top and gets his five bucks.

He tells his mom after school, feeling proud of his accomplishment.

“Och honey, she jist wanted ye tae climb th' pole sae she coods see up yer kilt.” She says, shaking her hea...

A new high-tech, fully automated supermarket opened recently in town.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.


When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.


In the meat departmen...

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A Misbehaving Farmboy

One morning, on a farm in rural Kansas, a boy named Henry went into the kitchen. Mama said "Henry!!! You cain't have no breakfast 'til you do yer chores. So, go on, milk the cow, feed them pigs and clean that chicken coop."

So, an angry Henry storms outta the house and milks the cow and sla...

Choosing what happens in reincarnation

Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep.
All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl standing in front of his bed.
"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?......and who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom,"...

Once upon a time there was an egg...

This egg was very smart, even at a very young age he decided to be the most successful chicken in the world! During his chick years he was so hardworking and competitive that he was always top of the class and graduated a couple of months younger than his peers. Of course, naturally he was accepted ...

Tough business

“I started a business breeding chickens, but I'm struggling to make hens meet.”

What is a Mexican Roosters' favorite meal?

Hen-chiladas

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Mick, Seamus and Paddy are chatting about how stupid their wives are

Mick says *“women are so stupid, my wife is on some stupid diet but she’s not even fat”*
 

Seamus goes *“you think that’s stupid, my wife has gone and bought a car, she hasn’t even got a licence”*
 

So Paddy pipes up *“fellas that’s fucking nothing, my wife is t...

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A man decided he was sick of city life and moved to the country.

After getting situated, he decided he needed some animals on the farm. He searched the local ads and found a farmer willing to relinquish some livestock for a fee.

He promptly goes to the farmers home and begins his inquiry.

First is the chicken coop and he finds the most beautiful roo...

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A farmer needs to replace his aging rooster.

A farm needs to replace his rooster so he goes to a local breeder and buys a young rooster to keep his business going.

After placing the young rooster in the pen the older one approaches.

Older rooster says, “look I’m old and don’t have much fight in me, you can have these hens but let...

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Old Rooster

In the farm, all the chickens gathered around the new rooster. He had arrived on the farm in the morning, and was looking at himself proudly as the old rooster of the farm - the only other male of the species in the vicinity - came to him.

The old rooster said, "See, boy, this is my farm. I c...

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A Farmer and married lady were sitting at a bar

While chatting, the Farmer explained to the married lady how being a Farmer has been quite the struggle.

"Just this month 10 of my 12 hens haven't laid a single egg!" The lady then replies "You think that's tough? Try being married to a man and not being able to bear him any children..." The...

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One day johnny brought a horny cock to his farmhouse

Next day it fucked all the hen of the farmhouse.
Next day it got bored with the hens then it fucked all the goat.
Next day it fucked all the cow.
Every animal was afraid of the cock.Johnny was also worried for the other animals but he couldn't stop the cock.
After someday there was no ot...

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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is alternative?"

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is alternative?"

Dad says, “It may be difficult for you to understand, so let me give you an example.

Imagine that you work at a factory. You work hard, struggle year after year and you finally save up enough money to purchase a small farm. ...